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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > why do people in a LTR stop having sex with their partner?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 KSCFish33
Joined: 8/26/2010
Msg: 26
why do......Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
If you are the breadwinner in the family, that may be the issue. It's been an issue of interest to some psychologists, and in some cases men who aren't 'on top' per se tend to feel emasculated. I think that's crap, but I'm also a 'modern man' I guess.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 27
why do people in a LTR stop having sex with their partner?
Posted: 10/22/2010 12:14:43 PM
Okay, he doesn't work? Does he take care of your child? Does he do anything? Does he drink a lot? Smokes pot a lot?
What did he used to do? Has he finished college? Was he a motivated person before?

I hate to tell you this, but in a way, you are an enabler. Sounds to me the sex issue is just the tip of the iceberg and that there are other issues.

Does he suffers from depression? Addiction to porn, booze or even video games?
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 28
why do......
Posted: 10/22/2010 12:19:54 PM
People change, some others won't bend with out breaking.


internal injuries to the relationship.


How do you talk to each other?

Words can last..be careful.
Not enough interest in common or a common bond in the beginning other than sexual attraction.

Ask the other party..

We can only speculate.

I would say from personal experience .
Something else may be more important to that person right now.
Someone may have resentment..not sexy.



I hate to tell you this, but in a way, you are an enabler. Sounds to me the sex issue is just the tip of the iceberg and that there are other issues.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

By this time though.".no sex" is usually the end.IMO

Sounds like big issues.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 29
why do people in a LTR stop having sex with their partner?
Posted: 10/22/2010 12:26:32 PM
The guy is depressed and feels like a looser but can't bring himself to face up to it and do something about it. He may need a little tough love to get back on his feet - I recommend a steady diet of swift kicks in the azz for this fellow.
 justwant2no
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 30
why do people in a LTR stop having sex with their partner?
Posted: 10/22/2010 1:28:44 PM
It appears communication is not big in the relationship. I'm afraid without professional intervention, it appears doomed. Unless you like feeling frustrated and resentful. Then, whatever works.
 2fuzy
Joined: 3/12/2006
Msg: 31
why do......
Posted: 10/22/2010 2:26:00 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjkLf_X88WM
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 32
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History
why do people in a LTR stop having sex with their partner?
Posted: 10/22/2010 2:43:59 PM
Like most folks, I can only answer as to why I lost the desire to have sex with my ex. There are many possible reasons. Mine, was that she increasingly added SPECIFICATIONS to sexual contact, until it became more of a science project than a by-product of our love. She had specific TIMES when it was okay, specific PLACES, a list of specific BEHAVIORS that had to be exhibited first, and so forth. She too, complained as my interest declined, that other guys still found her attractive. My thinking is that had THOSE guys had to jump through the same hoops she made ME jump through, their interest would have gone away too.
Given the list of things you've given in your posts, I think it's possible in your situation, that he might be susceptible to feeling displaced by the fact that you are the better 'breadwinner.' Or it could be that he's just the kind of person who is only turned on by "new" flesh.
You could try counseling, but I spent thousands in that, to no avail.
 Annie was here
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 33
why do people in a LTR stop having sex with their partner?
Posted: 10/22/2010 2:49:02 PM
The only reason I can think of why two people stop having sex completely would be that they are not longer sexually attracted and that the relationship has deteriorated to the point of no return.It's natural for sex to not happen as often as it was in the beginning,but not stopping altogether.Normally it levels out to once or twice a week.
 Free-At-Last
Joined: 7/15/2009
Msg: 34
why do people in a LTR stop having sex with their partner?
Posted: 10/22/2010 3:18:00 PM
I'd say it's a "control" issue....
Sounds to me like YOU run the show girlfriend.
Withholding sex from you is probably the only thing that HE has any control over.
The guy has obviously lost his "man card"
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 35
why do people in a LTR stop having sex with their partner?
Posted: 10/22/2010 6:45:47 PM
Possible reasons:

1. Lazy lay - Got fed up with doing all of the work
2. The match went out - Sex became a bore
3. Infidelity - Sleeping around with others
4. Contracted STD's
5. Poor hygiene - Nobody likes funky armpits and swamp ass
6. Weight gain - A definite reason
7. Physical attraction - No longer attracted to his/her partner
8. Overworked - Too tired for sex
9. Decided to become celibate (yikes)
10. Porn addiction
11. Don't get along

My fingers are numb.
 Twilightslove
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 36
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History
why do people in a LTR stop having sex with their partner?
Posted: 10/22/2010 9:49:42 PM
You have been on this website since July of 2009. While I understand that you put that you are simply looking for friends your profile picture appears to be a web cam shot done in a darkened room. That indicates that perhaps you were creating this profile without wanting your man to know about it. That would create trust issues alone.

Then you have complained about his lack of sex, told him to quit smoking or no sex, and to move on so you could both be happy if he isn't happy with the situation.

I'm not trying to be harsh on you but did it occur to you that he might feel that he is less the man then you want him to be or that he wants to be?

So was it his idea to stay at home and raise the child or your idea? Does he feel that a parent should be home to raise the child or did you or perhaps both of you? Did he look for work and could not find work? Is his smoking something he has always done and you are just now showing how much it bothers you?

I think if he was smoking in the very beginning and you accepted him then you should let the fact that he smokes go. Perhaps you could just ask him to please smoke outside.......a compromise for you both.

Perhaps he needs to know that you appreciate him in spite of not having a job and being a smoker. If you are trying to rebuild this relationship you might need to show him some appreciation and delete your profile or profiles on dating sites.

If it is too late and the situation is beyond repairs then you need to set a time line for him to move on and stick to it. You can discuss how his rights to the child should be and once a fair agreement is established make sure it is in writing and witnesses have been present so you both feel good about the outcome. Might as well get on with your lives and be happy rather than continue to make each other miserable.
 VivaciousVixen2010
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 37
why do people in a LTR stop having sex with their partner?
Posted: 10/22/2010 11:35:13 PM
OPPIE
you can't can't control people, places or things ~quoted from the 12 step big book~
the only thing that you can control in life is you

you can't make him quit smoking. that is his choice. his life. you have been dating him as a smoker, why pick on it now?
if you had problems with his smoking then you should have said it in the beginning, not 7 years later.

You set the rules for sex. You obviously don't want to be with him OR you would be intimate. you don't sound into this man. Why are you hanging him on a string when you are looking to cheat?

Be honest with us, on POF, yourself and hm. Stop lying. You are looking for an excuse to get out. IF it wasn't smoking then it would be something else.

You have been actively looking for a man to replace him. I don't believe that you are looking for advice. I believe that you are putting out your fishing line and really want somebody to replace him.

it also sounds to me as if you can't be by yourself. You have to have a man. Do some introspective observation of yourself. stop the games. Grow up. You are 38 yrs old.
Stop pretending that his ciggs are why you don't want him.

Learn how to be by yourself, live with yourself, be alone for a long time . Focus on who you are and what do you really want in life. When you date again, please make sure that you don't carry your issues or baggage. Take time to know yourself.

date when you are not going to play power games~such as neither ciggs nor sex.

go into your next relationship with a clear head.

it is like looking in the mirror. You are walking thru a "house of mirrors" funny house.
your reflection of yourself and this man is all tainted.

Clear your head
and not by meeting new men
Look inside.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 38
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why do......
Posted: 10/22/2010 11:47:38 PM
In my own case, it was because my husband changed from being a decent lover to being selfish and controlling, both inside and outside of the bedroom. He stopped caring about my needs. He quit being affectionate, quit doing the things I liked, yet still expected me to take care of his needs, which I did for quite some time. Eventually, I lost interest. I began to believe it was my problem. However, ever since I got away from him I've had a good sex life. I maintained an interesting sex life with a woman with whom I lived for six years and later with a man with whom I did not live for four years, so I know I can maintain it for at least that long.

People get lazy or else they have unresolved problems that get in the way.

Myself, I wouldn't put up with it any more.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 39
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why do people in a LTR stop having sex with their partner?
Posted: 10/23/2010 12:22:40 AM
I don't know about people not wanting sex with their partner, if you are talking about yourself, you know the reasons you are no longer sexually attractive to your man.
 privat33r
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 40
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why do people in a LTR stop having sex with their partner?
Posted: 10/23/2010 1:15:26 AM
drifting in on this late,.. I've heard reports from hotties with this complaint before. A babe found that her formally keen guy just lost interest, except once in a while. He was one of those aligator type guys, thin, tall, biker, mostly a vegetarian but not whimpy. Tossing a football with him, the dude could tattoo the little x from the tip if it hit.

My guess is that he just has an intermittent sex drive, or something a little more off'n'on than most guys. It is sorta bizarre that guys are almost always ready whenever, - when someone's not willing to go for it on a backstaircase with 40 seconds warning they seem like freaks.
 luckyhot777s
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 41
why do......
Posted: 10/23/2010 3:32:18 AM
Didn't YOU tell him
YOU wouldn't have sex with him
UNLESS he quits smoking??


If this is the case...the question doesn't make a lot of sense. I mean it does as to why he lost interest, but why have an ultimatum, and not want to follow thru on it, or when it becomes the case...complain?

Well, it appears he chose to continue smoking, maybe when looking at the toss up, smoking was more enjoyable than the sex. Then maybe someone in the relation has a controlling way about them. Sometimes when one works, the other doesn't, even if they do take care of the child and housework this happens...they say some men were like that in the old days...I know my ex. and I strived for a 50/50 relation, it was that way while we earned a similar pay...but at a later point, she got promoted and earned a bit more than me, and then it became more like 75/25 despite I had the nest egg going into it, and made a few real estate deals that made a difference in our lives...goes to show you people are just people, no matter the gender.

But who knows for sure what goes on there, if we are not there to see...the bottom line op you have a lot of time invested in this relation, and a child involved....its best to try to save it if possible...instead of asking for advise here, or trying to get re assurance your the good guy here....set up a date with a qualified marriage/relation counselor, if nothing else comes from that you can say you tried everything.

I mean he could be the culprit here, but if it turns out its you...then if this ends and you get into another relation...the same thing will happen all over again....at first glance it would be easy to say...kick him to the curb, but adding everything up including old post profile and etc...one wonders on the credibility factors.
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 42
why do......
Posted: 10/23/2010 8:54:34 AM

...... I don't believe that you are looking for advice. I believe that you are putting out your fishing line and really want somebody to replace him. ...
Exactly the thought I had back (and typed) at beginning of the thread.
Starting a thread is a good way to advertise yourself.
I could see that from the start.. SHE knows the reasons there isn't any sex any longer, and yep, it came out later that she had told him there wouldn't be if he didn't cut back or off that smoking, and it came out later that she is very disatisfied with many things and hasn't been all that nice to him anymore because his not working is really bugging her.
So DUH.. there is no "oh me oh my why why?" here!
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 43
why do people in a LTR stop having sex with their partner?
Posted: 10/23/2010 3:42:56 PM
because no matter what bowl you put it in, no matter what toppings you dream up, and nomatter when you get it, Vanilla is still Vanilla
 ChillinChill
Joined: 10/2/2010
Msg: 44
why do people in a LTR stop having sex with their partner?
Posted: 10/23/2010 4:12:51 PM
""""I'd say it's a "control" issue....
Sounds to me like YOU run the show girlfriend.
Withholding sex from you is probably the only thing that HE has any control over.""""

^^^^^^ This, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this,

He has got NOTHING . No bargaining chip but his dyck. Sorry. But it's a POWER PLAY...
The only thing he has control over. You got the reigns on everything else, but his c*ck.

My second guess is not a nice one........ but he probably does more during the day while you are out earning the rent, than you think, and it's not with Judge Judy.
 kojaks488
Joined: 4/14/2009
Msg: 45
why do people in a LTR stop having sex with their partner?
Posted: 10/24/2010 5:58:31 PM
Out of the one LTR I've had this situation occurred. It may have been the same for her, but I know I definitely lost interest for a variety of reasons. The main reason was once I finally decided in my head that the relationship was over, which happened a long time before it actually ended (for reasons that shall remain private).
 _Icon_
Joined: 5/18/2008
Msg: 46
why do people in a LTR stop having sex with their partner?
Posted: 10/24/2010 6:00:16 PM
Communication breakdown.

Sex is just another form of communication.

If you want that part of me you have to deal with all of me.

I absolutely can not be sexually excited if I am resentful.
 _Icon_
Joined: 5/18/2008
Msg: 47
why do people in a LTR stop having sex with their partner?
Posted: 10/24/2010 7:30:55 PM
Well I understand that it's not fun for either partner, but telling me that I better sex him up so he wont cheat is simply not enough motivation if he is apathetic to everything else but sex.


If that's all you want, then go.
 PrinceCharmingsCousin
Joined: 9/1/2009
Msg: 48
why do people in a LTR stop having sex with their partner?
Posted: 10/24/2010 8:06:08 PM

On another note, OP - I think you need to set boundaries with this guy - perhaps he's lost respect for you, knows he's taking advantage and you're not calling him on it and that's what's killing his interest? Ironic, huh? I'd demand housework be done, food be prepared when you and your son want it, any errands or shopping to be done and sex on tap when requested if you're paying the bills - or give him the option to go find someone else who will take care of him


I don't know if this is sarcasm or not, but this seems damn close to what the mentality was for a long time in regards to men being bread winners and women doing chores, sex, etc...funny how a woman is advocating going back to this very idea that feminists have tried to banish to the past, and call chauvinistic.




and FYI I had a great sex drive when I met my ex hubby...and it dwindled to nothign thru the years, for one b/c the sex sucked, I was no longer attracted to him, he sucked in bed, and lastly HE had no sex drive either...having him turn me down made me just no longer want to bother. But Now? My sex drive is GREAT and I LOVE LOVE LOVE my sex life!!!!!!!! I've been so much happier in the last year years since I left him!!!! I will never settle for no or crappy sex again!

In fact, I dated a guy last year for 4 months. 2 months into it, he lost his drive. When we had sex, it was great. but he kept turning me down and it was getting worse and worse and talking about it didn't help. I finally told him that I liked him but I could not deal with it, I did not want to date exclusively anymore. So for the last 2 months we were together, but not exclusively and I was able to get my needs met. Strange, maybe. THing is, he could have argued against it, he could have tried to do better, but he did neither.


I'm not gonna lie, I have very little sympathy for you, as I personally have RARELY ever had a woman initiate sex 98.5% of the time so far in my life i'd say I initiated, and from my friends stories id say its about the same for them. Guess what men deal with getting shot down picking up women AND in the bedroom on a daily basis I would say. But it is very nice to see that at least some women can see how crappy it is and maybe sympathize or what not.

to the op, things sound SOOOOO messed up...but yes, i'd kick is azz out, ASAP.
 _Icon_
Joined: 5/18/2008
Msg: 49
why do people in a LTR stop having sex with their partner?
Posted: 10/24/2010 9:16:54 PM

I don't know if this is sarcasm or not, but this seems damn close to what the mentality was for a long time in regards to men being bread winners and women doing chores, sex, etc...funny how a woman is advocating going back to this very idea that feminists have tried to banish to the past, and call chauvinistic.


As a woman, I'd agree with you. That's just wrong on so many levels.


I personally have RARELY ever had a woman initiate sex 98.5% of the time so far in my life i'd say I initiated, and from my friends stories id say its about the same for them.


That's because you're 25. Many women have to grow into their sexuality, so if this is the case, I'd suggest to you that as these women mature, they will initiate.
 Minau
Joined: 9/2/2007
Msg: 50
why do people in a LTR stop having sex with their partner?
Posted: 10/24/2010 11:41:16 PM
From my experience they don't...if the chemistry is there...it's always there and that's what keeps things going not socially assigned gender matters...
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