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 motownmaniax
Joined: 8/13/2006
Msg: 163
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!Page 6 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
All threads like this have a very serious flaw. We can only go by information the OP supplies and the “interpretation” of their behavior. What does “real world” successes mean to him? Is it how many women he’s bedded? How many relationships survived more than a handful of dates? He sent “respectful and polite” emails…maybe to him. Unless we can see how he’s using sites like these we’re all pretty much in the dark regarding suitable advice.

My take on Internet dating is very simple. It’s not a guarantee you’ll find someone. It doesn’t even guarantee you’ll get a date. All this does is supply a portal to unlimited potentials and the possibility for a connection. The rest is up to us. If people can’t find success then they need to reexamine how they’re using this medium, how they’re seen by others, and whether their expectations match reality.

And what’s the deal with people that start threads and vanish?? The OP only joined this site about four months ago?
 Captain_Random
Joined: 8/19/2010
Msg: 164
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History
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 2/11/2011 8:35:54 PM

Maybe he's expecting me to say I will have sex on such and such date, like the guy on here actually said he wanted to know from his first meets how quickly the woman would have sex.


That's classy. "How about we just cut to the chase and you tell me how long before I can get into your pants. 2 dates?"

you: *gasp*

him: "Ok, fine. 3 dates."
 Hillaryhope
Joined: 2/20/2006
Msg: 166
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 2/13/2011 3:49:04 PM
I believe on line dating can be harder than dating in real life. I think sometimes when you are communicating on line there can be a lot of things that don't come thru bc your not getting the non verbal clues that you get in face to face communication. One of my male friends has told me that he has been disappointed when he met woman bc he thought there was chemistry bw them but found out otherwise when he met them. Also a lot of times we don't really know that much about the person so we will fill in the blanks and when we meet them we are often disappointed that they don't live up to what we imagined. For example I imagined a date a lot taller and was disappointed when we met in person. He was very short. Also as we all know some people misrepresent themselves on here, post fake pics and ect.
 SeductiveBeauty82
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 167
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 2/14/2011 8:51:48 AM
I think they both can be hard...alot of people can express their feelings better in type and you can sort of get to know someone from the inside outward...but on the other hand its very easy to lie on the net....you just have to weed through them and use your instincts and watch for the infamous red flags of doom.
 HawkingJr
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 168
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Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 2/14/2011 3:36:07 PM
After a few emails, I think I have some understanding as to why it's much easier for ME to get a response from an attractive woman with children than an attractive childless woman. I would not consider it desperation at all. Indeed, one of the women (the hottest one of the bunch and very freakin' hot by any standard) told me that she is "bombarded" by emails all day long and suggested it was best we move this to the phone so my "delightful" emails won't get lost in her daily barrage. But all of these women seem to have something in common beyond merely children, but it's because of the children that they have this thing in common, and I hadn't given much thought to it prior to this "experiment." Having children, it appears, changes your outlook on life. What was important before isn't important now, and what's important now wasn't important before. You become much more open-minded and liberal about things that are to my advantage, and far more conservative about some other things.

But knowing this now is obviously not particularly helpful. I must bow out and go back to my 5%-ers.

WIP: A single man cannot start a dating revolution. You know what happens if *I* decide not to pursue women? Abso-freaking-lutely nothing happens. The world does not change. MY situation certainly doesn't improve. Now granted, if ALL men were to stop pursuing women, then indeed, women might change. But if one man stops pursuing women, everyone just assumes that he's gay. Trust me, because I go dateless for years at a time (whether I'm pursuing or not), I have been accused of being gay plenty of times. So it's sort of silly advice to tell us men to stop pursuing and see what women's reactions will be, because a few men not pursuing is not going to change anything (the guys still in the chase will just get women piling up on top of them!). Now if we could all get together on Facebook and Twitter and do some sort of Egypt-like thing en masse...

But regardless, you're talking about trying to undo 10,000+ years of human evolution and socialization. That's not a one man job.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 169
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 2/14/2011 4:38:09 PM
Now I've read WIP's views on men and on-line-dating (OLD) for some time now...and not much has changed...she sits back and dates or doesn't based on what rolls into her mailbox or doesn't...Friends...if that's the case then someones initiating contact....and it ain't her...

But, I suggest that what Junior says is true...there won't be a revolution in the near future (several lifetimes away-I guess)...men will continue to contact women...women will try to weed out the chaffe...and life will go on...

What I do think WIP has right is: if you, as the writer/initiator feel like in doing so you've taken on a part-time job...it's time to step away from the puter and take a pause...a deep breath...take 10...big sigh...and return when your batteries are re-charged...because internet dating isn't for the faint of heart...it takes some brass ones to keep writing (without harrassing)
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 170
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 2/14/2011 7:01:07 PM

WIP: A single man cannot start a dating revolution. You know what happens if *I* decide not to pursue women? Abso-freaking-lutely nothing happens. The world does not change. MY situation certainly doesn't improve. Now granted, if ALL men were to stop pursuing women, then indeed, women might change. But if one man stops pursuing women, everyone just assumes that he's gay. Trust me, because I go dateless for years at a time (whether I'm pursuing or not), I have been accused of being gay plenty of times. So it's sort of silly advice to tell us men to stop pursuing and see what women's reactions will be, because a few men not pursuing is not going to change anything (the guys still in the chase will just get women piling up on top of them!). Now if we could all get together on Facebook and Twitter and do some sort of Egypt-like thing en masse...

Mostly my point is why do something that's not fun for you or causes you aggravation? There is no reason to do that. If you WANT to do this, knowing it sucks, then do it and accept it. It just drives me crazy when someone doesn't want to stop doing something they don't like, but don't want to accept the process of it. Who cares what people think? At some point it's GOTTA be more peaceful to step away and do something else when a person's so unhappy with the way things are they're starting/posting in threads to complain about it. And who's paying that much attention to you that they would notice whether or not you're chasing women? If people are doing this, they have to be pretty bored with their own lives.

And women tend to be better at banding together and getting something accomplished than men do.

But regardless, you're talking about trying to undo 10,000+ years of human evolution and socialization. That's not a one man job.

Well, head down to the weekly man board meeting and bring it up for discussion.

Now I've read WIP's views on men and on-line-dating (OLD) for some time now...and not much has changed...she sits back and dates or doesn't based on what rolls into her mailbox or doesn't...Friends...if that's the case then someones initiating contact....and it ain't her...

Actually it is me, if/when I see someone I want to contact/approach (I prefer offline, mostly). I'd rather men who don't contact me realize I haven't messaged them for a reason and keep on moving, but hey, you can't have everything.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 171
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 2/14/2011 8:18:22 PM

A single man cannot start a dating revolution. You know what happens if *I* decide not to pursue women? Abso-freaking-lutely nothing happens.

You are so consistently negative that you might as well just work extra hours and pay for escorts. You manage to twist everything into self-pity (despite your protest to the contrary).
 CMonster
Joined: 12/4/2004
Msg: 172
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 2/14/2011 10:49:19 PM

But regardless, you're talking about trying to undo 10,000+ years of human evolution and socialization. That's not a one man job.

Perhaps, but realistically, how many women does 'one man' really need to influence for himself?
 Captain_Random
Joined: 8/19/2010
Msg: 173
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Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 2/15/2011 2:46:59 AM

Having children, it appears, changes your outlook on life. What was important before isn't important now, and what's important now wasn't important before. You become much more open-minded and liberal about things that are to my advantage, and far more conservative about some other things.


You're gonna have to be more specific. Are you saying that having kids causes women to lower their standards? Or change their standards due to an emotional maturity that accompanies motherhood?
 HawkingJr
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 174
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Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 2/15/2011 7:39:57 AM
"You are so consistently negative that you might as well just work extra hours and pay for escorts. You manage to twist everything into self-pity (despite your protest to the contrary)."

I don't necessarily disagree with that characterization, but I don't understand how the quote from me that preceded this statement relates to it. I used myself as an example because WIP was talking to me, but it doesn't matter WHAT guy it is, nothing will change. If YOU suddenly decided to stop pursuing women (ignoring your engagement), the world would just keep going as it is. That was my only point, that her advice on men pursuing women was highly unrealistic, given the history of humanity. Speaking of which:

"Perhaps, but realistically, how many women does 'one man' really need to influence for himself?"

I don't get that either. Stopping pursuit of one particular woman will almost inevitably just leave her relieved. It won't mean anything to anyone else. I'm honestly not sure what you're getting at. I mean, that statement in-and-of-itself is understandable, but, again, not in relation to my quote.

"You're gonna have to be more specific. Are you saying that having kids causes women to lower their standards? Or change their standards due to an emotional maturity that accompanies motherhood?"

I think becoming a parent instills in MOST people (more so mothers than fathers) a sense of unconditional love that either previously didn't exist or was lost after childhood. Once you discover you can love someone so unconditionally (again?), then it becomes easier to accept other flawed people in other circumstances. But that's just my theory. I seriously can't imagine that woman who was bombarded with emails having any interest in me at any other point in her life. And I didn't meet my best friend until after she had already had a kid -- knowing what I do about her high school and college years, I doubt she would have been friends with me had she known me back then. Of course, my other best friend also doesn't seem like someone who would be my friend and she's still childless, but that's a much more complex and actually quite perplexing friendship. (I recently mentioned her in another thread about creepy behavior.)

I wouldn't go so far as to say "emotional maturity" is involved, but becoming a mother seems to make women more open-minded (and, oddly, men more close-minded). Definitely NOT standard-lowering. I think there's a pretty good argument that women who make it into their late 30s and 40s childless (by choice) and unmarried have boxed themselves into a corner when it comes to who they will love and who they won't. My overall response ratio on POF might be 5%, but my response ratio for women in that category is more like 0.1%. Or maybe it's 0.0%. I really can't remember any women like that ever responding, yet women with children in the same age bracket, with the same socio-economic and educational backgrounds, with the same level of attractiveness, is apparently close to 50%. So frankly, if I think it's tough now to get childless women to respond to me on POF, wait until I get in my 40s!

"Mostly my point is why do something that's not fun for you or causes you aggravation?"

The end result has, on occasion, been fun. Not for 4 years, yes, but I've had a lot of fun dates that I met through online in the past (that eventually went terribly wrong, but that's beside the point). Has the world really changed that much in so little time that it can't be accomplished again? I certainly agree with the definition of insanity, but problem is, in addition to repeating the same things over and over again that haven't worked in a while, I am also repeating the same things over and over again that did work a bunch of times. The real insanity comes in trying to understand why it worked then but not now.

I have "stepped away" from attempting to date a number of times, and unless I'm absurdly busy like I was this past summer/fall when I was shooting/editing a movie in every second of my supposed spare time (to the point of getting almost no sleep, which is not particularly healthy), I will just get depressed over not having any possibility of dating, which is worse than failing at dating. You live in a much different world. Even when you decide to "step away" from dating, men are still trying to get you to date them -- you always know you can slip right back into that game on a moment's notice and you're always getting your ego stroked, whether in the game or not.

"And who's paying that much attention to you that they would notice whether or not you're chasing women?"

I don't think anyone's paying any attention to this. What they are paying attention to is the fact that I've never been married and almost never have a girlfriend. Ironically, my ex-girlfriend found herself in the same situation while dating me, as she couldn't tell her parents because they were racist psychos. So in their minds, she went several years without dating -- and they started asking her friends if she was gay. (Hard to say which would have been worse to them: her being gay or her dating a man who was not purely white. I imagine a couple weeks ago was a beautiful moment for them when they saw her exchange rings with her very white groom.)
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 175
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 2/15/2011 3:36:30 PM

I used myself as an example because WIP was talking to me, but it doesn't matter WHAT guy it is, nothing will change. If YOU suddenly decided to stop pursuing women (ignoring your engagement), the world would just keep going as it is. That was my only point, that her advice on men pursuing women was highly unrealistic, given the history of humanity.

How you took my advice as a way to pursue women is beyond me. What I said is if it sucks, don't do it. When you don't do it something changes. What changes is that you no longer subject yourself to it. If you're taking a break from dating hoping to get a date, then you're not really taking a break, are you?

The end result has, on occasion, been fun. Not for 4 years, yes, but I've had a lot of fun dates that I met through online in the past (that eventually went terribly wrong, but that's beside the point). Has the world really changed that much in so little time that it can't be accomplished again? I certainly agree with the definition of insanity, but problem is, in addition to repeating the same things over and over again that haven't worked in a while, I am also repeating the same things over and over again that did work a bunch of times. The real insanity comes in trying to understand why it worked then but not now.

Your vibe is different? You're focusing on the end result and ignoring the moment? Finding a date or relationship has become the hopeful outcome of most things you do rather than something that happens IF it happens and you go with it IF it's good? You care too much about making a connection happen? You feel that not being paired off is a terrible thing? Just a few guesses.

I have "stepped away" from attempting to date a number of times, and unless I'm absurdly busy like I was this past summer/fall when I was shooting/editing a movie in every second of my supposed spare time (to the point of getting almost no sleep, which is not particularly healthy), I will just get depressed over not having any possibility of dating, which is worse than failing at dating. You live in a much different world. Even when you decide to "step away" from dating, men are still trying to get you to date them -- you always know you can slip right back into that game on a moment's notice and you're always getting your ego stroked, whether in the game or not.

Don't assume you know what world anyone lives in, first of all. Secondly, when I don't care, I don't care - I don't step away comfortably because I know men will approach me - in fact, most if not all men who approach me aren't my type so it's not applicable.
Third, my ego isn't affected by men who hit on me because I'm not dead and I'm not male - men hit on everyone. I'd be kind of stupid to assume that's about me instead of half the population. Lastly, when I step away, which is almost constantly, it's because I'm too busy to worry about it, and it's extra curricular to me. For me, work, school, my health/fitness and my friends and family (all things I consider important to my survival) come before thoughts of whether or not I'm single and if I should change it.

Stepping away from dating means giving it a rest and finding something more productive to do. Why be so preoccupied with every waking minute you're not part of a couple. It's not uncommon for this to happen, so why put so much emphasis on it? During downtime from a movie, go work on another one. Do side work. Call friends and catch up from the times you never get to see them.

I don't think anyone's paying any attention to this. What they are paying attention to is the fact that I've never been married and almost never have a girlfriend.

Again, I ask you - how is this groundbreaking to people with their own lives?

Ironically, my ex-girlfriend found herself in the same situation while dating me, as she couldn't tell her parents because they were racist psychos. So in their minds, she went several years without dating -- and they started asking her friends if she was gay. (Hard to say which would have been worse to them: her being gay or her dating a man who was not purely white. I imagine a couple weeks ago was a beautiful moment for them when they saw her exchange rings with her very white groom.) .

My mom probably wonders why I don't scour the planet looking for my soulmate - but she should instead look back at her unsuccessful attempts at finding the wrong guys and be happy I don't drop everything when a guy walks by. Bottom line is my mother isn't in charge of my dating life - I am. So how I handle it or not is my business. I can see when I was in my teens people's opinions bothering me - but as an adult why would it still bother me?
 CMonster
Joined: 12/4/2004
Msg: 176
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 2/15/2011 4:46:24 PM
I don't get that either. Stopping pursuit of one particular woman will almost inevitably just leave her relieved. It won't mean anything to anyone else. I'm honestly not sure what you're getting at. I mean, that statement in-and-of-itself is understandable, but, again, not in relation to my quote.

What I meant was that you shouldn't be concerned about whether it takes one man or a million because there's no need to start a revolution, especially if all you need just one woman for yourself. The "Brotherhood" will be able to survive without a revolution, just be concerned about finding the type of woman that you want and the rest of us will do the same. And if you're too busy and decide it's not worth the effort, that's fine too; it'll just leave more opportunities for the rest of us.
 standoutboy
Joined: 12/7/2009
Msg: 178
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History
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 2/20/2011 4:32:32 PM
Online dating more difficult than real life.

This depends on the people involved. If you have got certain desirable characteristics, then it would not be difficult at all. Just make sure you are tall or rich enough and everything will be alright.
 Captain_Random
Joined: 8/19/2010
Msg: 179
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History
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 2/24/2011 12:23:02 AM
It's the shopping mentality. When you meet someone in person, you aren't in that shopping mode. You're just having a friendly conversation. But online, it's "OMG I HAVE TO FIND THE PERFECT MAN/WOMAN." And then they meet the person and get disappointed by imperfection.

And before you hate on me and tell me I'm clueless, it's been proven that the shopping mentality causes people to increase their standards when it comes to online dating. Really, they should be lowering their standards, but, amazingly, they go in the opposite direction.

The result is that superficial, petty things like height and job title take center stage.

It's one thing for a jackass like myself to come on here and say "waah people are too picky," it's another for brainiac university professors with PhD's who've spent thousands of hours studying this crap to conclude "yes, people on the internet are indeed too picky."
 fastdogphotog
Joined: 5/27/2008
Msg: 180
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History
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 2/24/2011 4:45:44 AM

It's one thing for a jackass like myself to come on here and say "waah people are too picky," it's another for brainiac university professors with PhD's who've spent thousands of hours studying this crap to conclude "yes, people on the internet are indeed too picky."


Not being snarky or disagreeing, but can you provide links or references to support this?
That would be interesting reading . . .
 Captain_Random
Joined: 8/19/2010
Msg: 181
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History
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 2/24/2011 4:44:34 PM

Not being snarky or disagreeing, but can you provide links or references to support this?
That would be interesting reading . . .


Sure.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/29/science/29tier.html
 Virgo1055
Joined: 11/20/2010
Msg: 192
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 2/29/2012 8:00:03 AM
This post may be old but it still caught my atention. I dont know why you guys have to treat the man so bad hes just speaking his mind.....freakin trolls.
 damsel19
Joined: 2/22/2012
Msg: 193
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 3/1/2012 2:43:35 AM
Yeah if you were all that successful in the real world why are you here?
It is the way it is on dating sites, women are wary and picky. You outnumber us by about 30-1 they say. So go back to where you are successful, or so you say.
 Darkbutcomely
Joined: 4/20/2011
Msg: 194
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 3/1/2012 5:36:41 AM
I think a great many of the men on here think the women are desperate and looking to take advantage of that situation. Now when they learn the women aren't near as thirsty as they hope they start to complain and whine about women getting too much attention. They send out 30 emails a day hoping he will be the only one emailing a pretty woman let lone an average woman, upon, he learn he is on of maybe 30 other guys who did the same thing he gets mad. Now a lot of guys state they are looking for a relationship, but few want that relationship to last longer than three dates. That is a limit before they expect sex.
 --Zen--
Joined: 6/29/2011
Msg: 195
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 3/1/2012 6:59:56 AM
I really don't see why extroverted, social and confident people would need online dating sites.


You outnumber us by about 30-1 they say.

a common misconception. actual gap is much lower.
 N2H20
Joined: 11/30/2008
Msg: 196
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 3/2/2012 7:29:34 PM

And women tend to be better at banding together and getting something accomplished than men do.


Tell that to the women's team on Survivor.
 What_He_Said
Joined: 1/11/2012
Msg: 197
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 3/7/2012 8:04:23 PM
For some yes, for some no.

here is Makus Frind's take about success on the issue....

http://www.onlinepersonalswatch.com/news/pofcom-the-business-of-finding-love.html

As with all things, you may interpret it as you want.
 Kissfromarose77
Joined: 4/2/2018
Msg: 198
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 4/22/2018 4:22:10 AM

Take an average guy, have him make a profile and message the kind of women he finds attractive for a few hours. Odds are he'll get zip. Now take that guy, dress him up and send him out to clubs or bars with a smile on his face and a few dollars in his pocket. I will bet that he has a lot more fun that way even if he doesn't close escrow.


Spot on. You sir, win the internet!
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 199
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History
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 4/22/2018 6:18:22 AM
It works, if a guy can make a stunning profile, and back it up with thoughtful opening messages.

IRL, it takes the ability to talk to anyone. To dress well, be entertaining, and to ooze confidence.

Do none of those things, you have a guy that learned to be self entertaining, pursues his own interests, and can live a life free of the petty annoyances that irritate most people.
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