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 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 176
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!Page 8 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

A single man cannot start a dating revolution. You know what happens if *I* decide not to pursue women? Abso-freaking-lutely nothing happens.

You are so consistently negative that you might as well just work extra hours and pay for escorts. You manage to twist everything into self-pity (despite your protest to the contrary).
 CMonster
Joined: 12/4/2004
Msg: 177
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 2/14/2011 10:49:19 PM

But regardless, you're talking about trying to undo 10,000+ years of human evolution and socialization. That's not a one man job.

Perhaps, but realistically, how many women does 'one man' really need to influence for himself?
 Captain_Random
Joined: 8/19/2010
Msg: 178
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Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 2/15/2011 2:46:59 AM

Having children, it appears, changes your outlook on life. What was important before isn't important now, and what's important now wasn't important before. You become much more open-minded and liberal about things that are to my advantage, and far more conservative about some other things.


You're gonna have to be more specific. Are you saying that having kids causes women to lower their standards? Or change their standards due to an emotional maturity that accompanies motherhood?
 HawkingJr
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 179
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Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 2/15/2011 7:39:57 AM
"You are so consistently negative that you might as well just work extra hours and pay for escorts. You manage to twist everything into self-pity (despite your protest to the contrary)."

I don't necessarily disagree with that characterization, but I don't understand how the quote from me that preceded this statement relates to it. I used myself as an example because WIP was talking to me, but it doesn't matter WHAT guy it is, nothing will change. If YOU suddenly decided to stop pursuing women (ignoring your engagement), the world would just keep going as it is. That was my only point, that her advice on men pursuing women was highly unrealistic, given the history of humanity. Speaking of which:

"Perhaps, but realistically, how many women does 'one man' really need to influence for himself?"

I don't get that either. Stopping pursuit of one particular woman will almost inevitably just leave her relieved. It won't mean anything to anyone else. I'm honestly not sure what you're getting at. I mean, that statement in-and-of-itself is understandable, but, again, not in relation to my quote.

"You're gonna have to be more specific. Are you saying that having kids causes women to lower their standards? Or change their standards due to an emotional maturity that accompanies motherhood?"

I think becoming a parent instills in MOST people (more so mothers than fathers) a sense of unconditional love that either previously didn't exist or was lost after childhood. Once you discover you can love someone so unconditionally (again?), then it becomes easier to accept other flawed people in other circumstances. But that's just my theory. I seriously can't imagine that woman who was bombarded with emails having any interest in me at any other point in her life. And I didn't meet my best friend until after she had already had a kid -- knowing what I do about her high school and college years, I doubt she would have been friends with me had she known me back then. Of course, my other best friend also doesn't seem like someone who would be my friend and she's still childless, but that's a much more complex and actually quite perplexing friendship. (I recently mentioned her in another thread about creepy behavior.)

I wouldn't go so far as to say "emotional maturity" is involved, but becoming a mother seems to make women more open-minded (and, oddly, men more close-minded). Definitely NOT standard-lowering. I think there's a pretty good argument that women who make it into their late 30s and 40s childless (by choice) and unmarried have boxed themselves into a corner when it comes to who they will love and who they won't. My overall response ratio on POF might be 5%, but my response ratio for women in that category is more like 0.1%. Or maybe it's 0.0%. I really can't remember any women like that ever responding, yet women with children in the same age bracket, with the same socio-economic and educational backgrounds, with the same level of attractiveness, is apparently close to 50%. So frankly, if I think it's tough now to get childless women to respond to me on POF, wait until I get in my 40s!

"Mostly my point is why do something that's not fun for you or causes you aggravation?"

The end result has, on occasion, been fun. Not for 4 years, yes, but I've had a lot of fun dates that I met through online in the past (that eventually went terribly wrong, but that's beside the point). Has the world really changed that much in so little time that it can't be accomplished again? I certainly agree with the definition of insanity, but problem is, in addition to repeating the same things over and over again that haven't worked in a while, I am also repeating the same things over and over again that did work a bunch of times. The real insanity comes in trying to understand why it worked then but not now.

I have "stepped away" from attempting to date a number of times, and unless I'm absurdly busy like I was this past summer/fall when I was shooting/editing a movie in every second of my supposed spare time (to the point of getting almost no sleep, which is not particularly healthy), I will just get depressed over not having any possibility of dating, which is worse than failing at dating. You live in a much different world. Even when you decide to "step away" from dating, men are still trying to get you to date them -- you always know you can slip right back into that game on a moment's notice and you're always getting your ego stroked, whether in the game or not.

"And who's paying that much attention to you that they would notice whether or not you're chasing women?"

I don't think anyone's paying any attention to this. What they are paying attention to is the fact that I've never been married and almost never have a girlfriend. Ironically, my ex-girlfriend found herself in the same situation while dating me, as she couldn't tell her parents because they were racist psychos. So in their minds, she went several years without dating -- and they started asking her friends if she was gay. (Hard to say which would have been worse to them: her being gay or her dating a man who was not purely white. I imagine a couple weeks ago was a beautiful moment for them when they saw her exchange rings with her very white groom.)
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 180
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 2/15/2011 3:36:30 PM

I used myself as an example because WIP was talking to me, but it doesn't matter WHAT guy it is, nothing will change. If YOU suddenly decided to stop pursuing women (ignoring your engagement), the world would just keep going as it is. That was my only point, that her advice on men pursuing women was highly unrealistic, given the history of humanity.

How you took my advice as a way to pursue women is beyond me. What I said is if it sucks, don't do it. When you don't do it something changes. What changes is that you no longer subject yourself to it. If you're taking a break from dating hoping to get a date, then you're not really taking a break, are you?

The end result has, on occasion, been fun. Not for 4 years, yes, but I've had a lot of fun dates that I met through online in the past (that eventually went terribly wrong, but that's beside the point). Has the world really changed that much in so little time that it can't be accomplished again? I certainly agree with the definition of insanity, but problem is, in addition to repeating the same things over and over again that haven't worked in a while, I am also repeating the same things over and over again that did work a bunch of times. The real insanity comes in trying to understand why it worked then but not now.

Your vibe is different? You're focusing on the end result and ignoring the moment? Finding a date or relationship has become the hopeful outcome of most things you do rather than something that happens IF it happens and you go with it IF it's good? You care too much about making a connection happen? You feel that not being paired off is a terrible thing? Just a few guesses.

I have "stepped away" from attempting to date a number of times, and unless I'm absurdly busy like I was this past summer/fall when I was shooting/editing a movie in every second of my supposed spare time (to the point of getting almost no sleep, which is not particularly healthy), I will just get depressed over not having any possibility of dating, which is worse than failing at dating. You live in a much different world. Even when you decide to "step away" from dating, men are still trying to get you to date them -- you always know you can slip right back into that game on a moment's notice and you're always getting your ego stroked, whether in the game or not.

Don't assume you know what world anyone lives in, first of all. Secondly, when I don't care, I don't care - I don't step away comfortably because I know men will approach me - in fact, most if not all men who approach me aren't my type so it's not applicable.
Third, my ego isn't affected by men who hit on me because I'm not dead and I'm not male - men hit on everyone. I'd be kind of stupid to assume that's about me instead of half the population. Lastly, when I step away, which is almost constantly, it's because I'm too busy to worry about it, and it's extra curricular to me. For me, work, school, my health/fitness and my friends and family (all things I consider important to my survival) come before thoughts of whether or not I'm single and if I should change it.

Stepping away from dating means giving it a rest and finding something more productive to do. Why be so preoccupied with every waking minute you're not part of a couple. It's not uncommon for this to happen, so why put so much emphasis on it? During downtime from a movie, go work on another one. Do side work. Call friends and catch up from the times you never get to see them.

I don't think anyone's paying any attention to this. What they are paying attention to is the fact that I've never been married and almost never have a girlfriend.

Again, I ask you - how is this groundbreaking to people with their own lives?

Ironically, my ex-girlfriend found herself in the same situation while dating me, as she couldn't tell her parents because they were racist psychos. So in their minds, she went several years without dating -- and they started asking her friends if she was gay. (Hard to say which would have been worse to them: her being gay or her dating a man who was not purely white. I imagine a couple weeks ago was a beautiful moment for them when they saw her exchange rings with her very white groom.) .

My mom probably wonders why I don't scour the planet looking for my soulmate - but she should instead look back at her unsuccessful attempts at finding the wrong guys and be happy I don't drop everything when a guy walks by. Bottom line is my mother isn't in charge of my dating life - I am. So how I handle it or not is my business. I can see when I was in my teens people's opinions bothering me - but as an adult why would it still bother me?
 CMonster
Joined: 12/4/2004
Msg: 181
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 2/15/2011 4:46:24 PM
I don't get that either. Stopping pursuit of one particular woman will almost inevitably just leave her relieved. It won't mean anything to anyone else. I'm honestly not sure what you're getting at. I mean, that statement in-and-of-itself is understandable, but, again, not in relation to my quote.

What I meant was that you shouldn't be concerned about whether it takes one man or a million because there's no need to start a revolution, especially if all you need just one woman for yourself. The "Brotherhood" will be able to survive without a revolution, just be concerned about finding the type of woman that you want and the rest of us will do the same. And if you're too busy and decide it's not worth the effort, that's fine too; it'll just leave more opportunities for the rest of us.
 bozosonthisbus
Joined: 1/27/2011
Msg: 182
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 2/20/2011 3:08:14 PM
I disagree that most of us women on here are only interested
in guys with the "best looks." I've been talking with someone for almost a month
and never saw a picture of him. Unfortunately, I have not heard back since I last called him. I WOULD go out with him if he asked and this is because of how much TIME we spent talking and E-mailing each other. And yet, I still don't know what he looks like!!
I'm sure there's plenty of guys on here that pass up girls who don't have a photo or aren't their idea of good looking.
 standoutboy
Joined: 12/7/2009
Msg: 183
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Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 2/20/2011 4:32:32 PM
Online dating more difficult than real life.

This depends on the people involved. If you have got certain desirable characteristics, then it would not be difficult at all. Just make sure you are tall or rich enough and everything will be alright.
 Captain_Random
Joined: 8/19/2010
Msg: 184
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Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 2/24/2011 12:23:02 AM
It's the shopping mentality. When you meet someone in person, you aren't in that shopping mode. You're just having a friendly conversation. But online, it's "OMG I HAVE TO FIND THE PERFECT MAN/WOMAN." And then they meet the person and get disappointed by imperfection.

And before you hate on me and tell me I'm clueless, it's been proven that the shopping mentality causes people to increase their standards when it comes to online dating. Really, they should be lowering their standards, but, amazingly, they go in the opposite direction.

The result is that superficial, petty things like height and job title take center stage.

It's one thing for a jackass like myself to come on here and say "waah people are too picky," it's another for brainiac university professors with PhD's who've spent thousands of hours studying this crap to conclude "yes, people on the internet are indeed too picky."
 fastdogphotog
Joined: 5/27/2008
Msg: 185
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Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 2/24/2011 4:45:44 AM

It's one thing for a jackass like myself to come on here and say "waah people are too picky," it's another for brainiac university professors with PhD's who've spent thousands of hours studying this crap to conclude "yes, people on the internet are indeed too picky."


Not being snarky or disagreeing, but can you provide links or references to support this?
That would be interesting reading . . .
 Captain_Random
Joined: 8/19/2010
Msg: 186
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Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 2/24/2011 4:44:34 PM

Not being snarky or disagreeing, but can you provide links or references to support this?
That would be interesting reading . . .


Sure.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/29/science/29tier.html
 Here_In_Florida
Joined: 4/4/2011
Msg: 187
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 6/4/2011 10:07:09 AM
I would have to say there are additional hurdles when it comes to online dating.

You have to be able to bypass additional hurdles. In a lot of cases, I find it like pulling teeth to even get a lunch or drink meet for 30 mins. It's as if some of these (or a lot) enjoy the online pen-pal correspondence, but when you try to get them to meet you in person...they clam up or find an excuse not to.

I think it's better to have met someone through a circle of friends, through socialization, where people become familiar and comfortable with you over time.
 Janet_Always
Joined: 12/7/2010
Msg: 188
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 6/4/2011 11:44:51 AM
There is no such thing as online dating. ALL dating is done in real life.

It's as if some of these (or a lot) enjoy the online pen-pal correspondence, but when you try to get them to meet you in person...they clam up or find an excuse not to.

I've had that same experience as well. I think they are in the camp that think online IS dating, and they prefer it to IRL.
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 189
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 6/4/2011 8:54:15 PM
"So frankly, if I think it's tough now to get childless women to respond to me on POF, wait until I get in my 40s!"

Um no. 1) everybody that is behaving the way they are now, will continue to do so, they will just be older with you - 2) as someone in their 40's everything that you complain about now, changes not one wit when you reach 4o. (if you doubt it cruise over to the 45+ section and see the same played topics)
1 Man cant start a revolution . Meh. Who cares what the happy F the rest of the dating pool does. go find your bliss where you can, And everything that you think is 'hard wired' by 'biology and 1000000 years of 'evolution' CHANGES the moment you leave this hemisphere.
Visa-> Passport-> Plane Ticket -> Get Abroad. Bonus points for learning the language and an understanding of the culture.
beat the rush ;)
 sand_water
Joined: 5/27/2011
Msg: 190
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 6/6/2011 1:11:47 PM
Online dating can increase your potential dating pool. But I think real life is better. I think most first dates with someone from a dating site don't lead to a relationship or perhaps even a second date. Sometimes you end never meeting the other person face to face. You may discussing going out on a date. But when you try to confirm / finalize plans, the other person does the disappearing act or keeps making excuses about why they can't go out on a date.
 Here_In_Florida
Joined: 4/4/2011
Msg: 191
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 6/6/2011 2:27:59 PM

Online dating can increase your potential dating pool. But I think real life is better. I think most first dates with someone from a dating site don't lead to a relationship or perhaps even a second date. Sometimes you end never meeting the other person face to face. You may discussing going out on a date. But when you try to confirm / finalize plans, the other person does the disappearing act or keeps making excuses about why they can't go out on a date.


Sand_Water, I don't see how anyone would not want to meet you face-to-face, you're smile is intoxicating and I would think anyone would look forward to seeing that. :)
 sportsgirl7700
Joined: 5/22/2009
Msg: 192
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 7/20/2011 10:47:52 AM
I agree with the OP that "real life" is much easier-(for me at least) in attracting attention. I use POF as a supplement and I do not get many messages from people that I would be interested in getting to know. If I do send someone a message(which rarely happens), it is about 50/50 that I will even get a reply...

In real life I am out and about all the time and I generate alot of attention(from men I am in turn attracted to)...perhaps my pictures are not very good on here, or it is just the mentality of online dating that there is always someone better etc. I like to think it is because in real life I am out having fun and my personality along with my confidence and body posture is all working for me.(I tend to meet men in social situations like sporting events, concerts and festivals etc).
Problem is that both in real life, where I get tons of attention and online, where I don't get much attention men turn out to be the same in that they are not on the same page as me. Which is why I continue to keep my profile up and I continue to keep active socially.

Just my 2 cents.
 sportsgirl7700
Joined: 5/22/2009
Msg: 193
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 7/21/2011 3:23:53 PM
3 more things that i wanted to comment on:

With regards to my statement above: It wasn't always this way- when I first became single 2 years ago(for the first time in my adult life), I didn't know how to approach or respond to men when I was out and about...I also didn't have too much self esteem after my last relationship ended- so it took a little while for me to build my confidence back up.

"The vibe I get is that most women would be fine with dating single fathers. I've only seen a few profiles where women say they refuse to date a man who has kids. And even then, it's not because they hate kids, it's because they've had prior dating relationships with single fathers, and became attached to the kids. And when the relationship didn't work out, it was hard to say goodbye to the kids."

I am one of those who has the "I do not date men who are fathers" in my profile and I assure you my reasons are not because I had a relationship in the past with a single dad and became attached to his kids...

"A lot of the dating books that I have read usually indicate that meeting people through friends or groups is the best method. This of course requires an active social life and at least a significant number of acquaintences so you can get invited to parties,etc. As we get older though and are out of school focusing on careers it gets harder for the average man to keep a wide social network on hand, unless he's got a sense of charm about him. A lot of us guys just like to do our own thing and we don't socialize as much for whatever reason. This is where women have an advantage in that they maintain more numerous social relationships throughout their lives. They bond over their emotions,etc. That's probably another reason why a lot of the women can afford to be more selective on internet dating sites (they have more options in general irregardless of the venue)."

This is SUPER true!! I have a huge group of friends and in turn those that have husbands and boyfriends have introduced me to their friends etc. I have dated from this pool of people as well. In having such a large group of friends single and non single, I am out and about quite a bit doing social things and therefore I meet more people. Again- just my 2 cents :) Happy fishing!
 Naadirah
Joined: 6/3/2011
Msg: 194
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 8/6/2011 11:28:53 AM
Sportsgirl,

You are single, no children, and live in an area (my home town) where there are a lot of opportunities to meet people. You really shouldn't need POF at all. I never had a problem with dating back home, unless you are attracted to tall men.

Not everyone is an extrovert, nor do we live in happening cities. My social circle is pretty much void of single men. It's this or nothing. Although nothing looks better every day.
 sportsgirl7700
Joined: 5/22/2009
Msg: 195
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 8/6/2011 11:50:12 AM
Well, hello to another Buffalo gal (former Buffalo gal)! Very true about the tall men thing!

I think POF is a great avenue to meet people! I hope I'm not coming off as "anti online"!
 sportsgirl7700
Joined: 5/22/2009
Msg: 196
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 8/7/2011 4:58:40 AM
First of all, Becks- this is NOT my thread. I do appreciate the attention though! Secondly, I have a ton of confidence and dating is not hard for me- I have no clue where you are getting that idea from. You lost me when you started talking about children...who is it you agree with?
 Virgo1055
Joined: 11/20/2010
Msg: 197
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 2/29/2012 8:00:03 AM
This post may be old but it still caught my atention. I dont know why you guys have to treat the man so bad hes just speaking his mind.....freakin trolls.
 damsel19
Joined: 2/22/2012
Msg: 198
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 3/1/2012 2:43:35 AM
Yeah if you were all that successful in the real world why are you here?
It is the way it is on dating sites, women are wary and picky. You outnumber us by about 30-1 they say. So go back to where you are successful, or so you say.
 Darkbutcomely
Joined: 4/20/2011
Msg: 199
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 3/1/2012 5:36:41 AM
I think a great many of the men on here think the women are desperate and looking to take advantage of that situation. Now when they learn the women aren't near as thirsty as they hope they start to complain and whine about women getting too much attention. They send out 30 emails a day hoping he will be the only one emailing a pretty woman let lone an average woman, upon, he learn he is on of maybe 30 other guys who did the same thing he gets mad. Now a lot of guys state they are looking for a relationship, but few want that relationship to last longer than three dates. That is a limit before they expect sex.
 --Zen--
Joined: 6/29/2011
Msg: 200
Online dating more difficult than real life!!!
Posted: 3/1/2012 6:59:56 AM
I really don't see why extroverted, social and confident people would need online dating sites.


You outnumber us by about 30-1 they say.

a common misconception. actual gap is much lower.
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