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 Simon4567
Joined: 10/9/2010
Msg: 36
Dumped again I cant take much more.Page 2 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
bitter roots make sweet fruits

i got that wisdom from a paper cup 11 years ago
 Cuppey
Joined: 10/23/2010
Msg: 37
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/1/2010 5:52:38 PM
Hi Drew! First - HAPPY BIRTHDAY (sometime this month)

OutMind, msg. 15 - So well said, what a wonderful response, can't even add to it !!!
 parsc1210
Joined: 10/27/2010
Msg: 39
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/1/2010 6:32:54 PM
Drew:

Thank you for showing your human nature. What I can tell you is this, a lucky woman one day will accept you for who you are. I too have been dumped and I fully agree it sucks! It seems like you have a romantic nature to you, candlelight and all! Best wishes in your search and good luck!

Try to remember this quote, since I tell it to myself often.

Instead of thinking about what you're missing, try thinking what you have that others are missing.
 five-marie
Joined: 2/9/2010
Msg: 40
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/1/2010 6:58:28 PM
Nice to see someone innocent to the rules of pof dating posting. You sound like a man who trusts that if someone spends a weekend with you, cuddling, kissing, that they like you. I think that's normal. However you will get hurt again if you don't learn to hold back. That's the reality of dating now. People become jaded to protect themselves, kinda sad.
As to the comments about his weight/education/career, I know a lot of people. None of these things determine who will end up finding someone.
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 41
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/1/2010 7:02:59 PM
What are you most upset about-- that you were rejected or that you can no longer be with someone you like? If it's the rejection, you have to learn to not take that too personally. When someone rejects you, it's because you're not what THEY want, it doesn't mean you don't have great things to offer someone else. What's important is that you feel good about what you have to offer and in the areas where you think you may be deficient, try to improve those. But don't let someone else's preference dictate your own self-worth.

If you're upset about no longer being with someone you like, that's all the more reason to not give up on trying to find someone. In your 40's, it's a tough task to find someone who's single AND interests you AND who you interest. Going nine months without finding a new special someone is nothing-- I don't think you'll get much pity from the people who may have gone years without being in a relationship.
 TravelingLight
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 42
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/1/2010 7:06:07 PM
^^^^Still I think Mistress Chill has a point about the lady over the course of a weekend kissing, cuddling, etc and finally telling him she had no romantic feelings for him.

I understand he's hurt, and he's not the only one going too fast.. that woman got his hopes up.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 43
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/1/2010 8:30:44 PM
It sounds like you have some holes in your life that you're trying to find someone to fill for you...the problem is that most people will recognize that's what you're doing and it makes them feel like DIRT! Beware the woman who goes along with this and fills your holes......chances are she has bigger/more holes and is using YOU as the dirt to fill hers!
Your best bet is to fix yourself, become emotionally independent...THEN set yourself up to become interdependent.
 bikeman1467
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 44
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History
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/1/2010 9:20:43 PM
Lots of harsh comments here. I've felt this way before--but I was 20 years old in college. After I got hurt a half a dozen times like this, I've built up a veneer now--and learned that it isn't realistic to have ultra-high expectations after three dates.

Drew, would you rather had dated her for months and REALLY fall for her and then find out she's a deceptive flaky ditz? Look at it as her doing you a favor by freeing you up to find someone better.

The OP isn't a hard-core single like most of the forum-ites here. I cut him some slack. Now Drew, get your ass out there and look for your 5th woman to date since January. Good luck.
 foreverstacey
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 45
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/1/2010 9:22:19 PM
This isn't wearing your heart on your sleeve. This is being desperate. A lot of people get the two confused.
Edit: That came out mean.. and I didnt really mean for it to. Wearing your heart on your sleeve is NOT being heartbroken when someone doesnt want to see you anymore after 3 dates. 3 DATES.. wtf. So you kissed?? I generally have to kiss someone before I really know how I feel about them.. then you're not going to be like THAT KISS WAS TERRIBLE, I am leaving now. Thats mean... you're going to wait until after and say you didnt feel it. Or maybe she thought she felt something during, and then after with some thought, realized she didnt. At least she tried.
 VivaciousVixen2010
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 46
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/1/2010 9:42:15 PM
what is wrong with the OP wanting real love NOT casual flings. Down here where I live in FL, I have found that most people want friends with benefits. to play with other while in a relationship, and there are many swingers. Honey, I think that you have just gotten involved with some loser ****es. Why don't you take time for yourself and not put yourself out there until you can handle meeting "just plain ole bad women". They are out there unfortunately and it will take time until you meet a woman who will stick by your side.
When you finally meet somebody, then you won't have to search anymore and you will have a partner. I wish there was a miracle solution to losers but you sometimes meet them until you find a winner.
 Fierysunlvr
Joined: 1/14/2010
Msg: 47
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History
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/1/2010 10:00:19 PM
I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm in the same boat you are. Wish I had words of wisdom to share with you, but if I had wisdom I'd be with someone right now instead of on an internet forum at 1am.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 48
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/1/2010 10:09:59 PM

This isn't wearing your heart on your sleeve. This is being desperate. A lot of people get the two confused.


So true!
 Secondhand_Lion
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 49
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History
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/1/2010 10:45:23 PM
Whoa....hold on a minute. Did I read right?.....she brought the candles, you spent the weekend together, but you didn't have sex because it was too soon? Too soon for who....YOU or her? Partner, if a woman brings romantic candles to spend the weekend, she was ready for you to make your move......but you didn't. Sounds to me like you were waiting for her to take you. Damn....she gave you the green light....that means go...not sit at the intersection all weekend. I didn't read anything about her pushing you away during all this hugging and smooching. Unless I'm missing something here, I surprised she didn't leave early and dump you on her way out the door. You know better than to have someone overnight when you think it's too soon. I think she was the one who was mislead,..not you.
 E_keys
Joined: 10/3/2009
Msg: 50
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/1/2010 11:15:21 PM
Whatever the scenario about that particular woman, I agree with folks who said OP's distress isn't about her. It's about OP's own self, particularly, his mounting feeling of panic that life is over at 42 and he's doomed to loneliness. She wasn't removing "herself" from him. She was removing his hope then his near-certainty that he'd found the end to loneliness. That's why he can be so nuts after only three dates.

When you see it for what it is, you forgive yourself for being nuts, you like yourself a little better, and you move forward. Lots of us have been dead in our 30s and/or 40s, but reports of our deaths were greatly exaggerated.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 51
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/1/2010 11:24:29 PM
~OP~ Nothing wrong with wearing your heart on your sleeve, you just have to be tough enough to deal with the after-math if things fall apart.

~OT~ No one knows why she opted out but her. I've been opted out, I've opted out and most everyone I know has also been left for an unknown reason (or 20) and in the end, it doesn't really matter. It's over, that's really all that matters. JMO
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 52
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/1/2010 11:27:37 PM

It's about OP's own self, particularly, his mounting feeling of panic that life is over at 42 and he's doomed to loneliness. She wasn't removing "herself" from him. She was removing his hope then his near-certainty that he'd found the end to loneliness. That's why he can be so nuts after only three dates.

Oooo. That has the ring of truth to it. I think you're on a roll tonight...

When you see it for what it is, you forgive yourself for being nuts, you like yourself a little better, and you move forward. Lots of us have been dead in our 30s and/or 40s, but reports of our deaths were greatly exaggerated.

Wonderful! So true.

I hope this lovely observation may be a bit of comfort to anyone who feels that way, or has felt that way. Nicely done!

 matchlight
Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 53
view profile
History
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/2/2010 2:01:49 AM

She wasn't removing "herself" from him. She was removing his hope then his near-certainty that he'd found the end to loneliness. That's why he can be so nuts after only three dates.


I'm not sure I understand that. Sounds to me like she sure did remove herself--but not before bringing over candles and spending the night kissing and cuddling on the sofa as they watched movies. Did she really need to do all that to decide he wasn't for her? Or maybe she led him on, possibly because the attention flattered her. Good for her, bad for him-- but maybe she didn't give a rip.

What if it were the other way around, and we were talking about a guy who'd done that? I suspect the same women who have focused on all the things they think the OP did wrong here would be talking, instead, about how the poor woman had been led on. Yet only one (rightly I think) really tore into her for doing that in this case.

Imagine if on their third date, this man had not only brought over candles, and kissed and cuddled, but had ended up spending the night in bed with her. And then said that was that. I don't think many of the women who've posted here would be advising her not to be so unrealistic in the future, or trying to use pop psychology to analyze what inner need had compelled her to get her feelings hurt.

And it's hard to imagine many of them saying she shouldn't have hoped for anything more. Or how about the idea that he needed to do all that to know she really wasn't what he was looking for? Come on. No--we'd be hearing what an SOB he was to lead her on that way, just so he could use her for sex.

It's easy to lecture other people about falling too fast for someone, but how much you let yourself feel depends a lot on what you're seeing from the other person. If they know how to use people and don't mind doing it, and you're attracted to them, no one's immune to being fooled.
 TravelingLight
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 54
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/2/2010 2:28:26 AM
^^^^Nice to add some balance in this.

I'm also not sure where these people came up with the 'he's 42 and afraid he's losing it' I didn't read everything but that sounds like a simple guess

But apparently you don't come to pof to get sympathy, only kicks in the butt. Plus a lot of speculative, off base comments.
 luckyhot777s
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 55
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/2/2010 4:39:25 AM
I think" mtnlover" made a point that might make some sense....she expected things to go into the bedroom, they didn't....maybe to ad to that she saw him as clingy. So, she moved on.

But Drew said this has happened before and he can't take it anymore....It my opinion and I might be wrong, but he seems to be real needy to have someone and it comes out early in the dating...some are taking that as a red flag, because most people want to be wanted for who they are, not because they are anyone who fills the need to have someone..anyone. It also spells clingy and possible issues.

Drew...kudo's for having the guts to post this, men are supposed to be gods of strength and confidence, unwavering...but the truth is we are just people and subject to anything anyone else goes thru...but there is something causing you to need someone desperately, you probably need some help thru counseling or whatever to over come it or come to terms with it...then you would be more ready, stronger and not in need, but want...there is a difference.

Matchlight....you make a strong point in your responces, I won't elaborate...someone might not like what I say...lets just be glad the responces got more caring as they went along...kudo's to those who show they care, no matter who or what gender posted the question.
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 56
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/2/2010 4:45:32 AM
I'm not sure I understand that. Sounds to me like she sure did remove herself--but not before bringing over candles and spending the night kissing and cuddling on the sofa as they watched movies. Did she really need to do all that to decide he wasn't for her? Or maybe she led him on, possibly because the attention flattered her. Good for her, bad for him-- but maybe she didn't give a rip.

Maybe this, maybe that. We don’t know, because we only have his side of the story, so why speculate about what her reasons were? What is the purpose for your speculation besides indulging in a desire to justify your own presuppositions about gender bias, how she done him wrong, and/or what would have happened/should have happened if the roles had been reversed? Oh here it comes... Wait for it....

What if it were the other way around, and we were talking about a guy who'd done that? I suspect the same women who have focused on all the things they think the OP did wrong here would be talking, instead, about how the poor woman had been led on. Yet only one (rightly I think) really tore into her for doing that in this case.

That would be your "suspicion", as separate and distinct from "fact". (And in your world, it's correct that the woman was criticized for that situation but not the OP in this instance? Interesting.) You seem unduly consumed with your own suspicions rather than addressing the simple facts as they were presented. It's a little strange. But at least you can console yourself with the fact that there is at least one woman whose answer to the OP would have been exactly the same independent of gender. I can’t speak for anybody else’s internal frame of reference though. We all have our little biases. The first step in preventing their undue influence on our actions is admitting to ourselves that they actually exist. That would be at least an attempt at something resembling intellectual honesty.

Imagine if on their third date, this man had not only brought over candles, and kissed and cuddled, but had ended up spending the night in bed with her. And then said that was that. I don't think many of the women who've posted here would be advising her not to be so unrealistic in the future, or trying to use pop psychology to analyze what inner need had compelled her to get her feelings hurt.

I don’t need pop psychology to explain foolish choices.... Jesus H Christ man, it doesn't take the combined forces of Dr. Ruth and Deepak Chopra to figure this out! At the very least, anybody who is eager enough to get that emotionally invested with another person that quickly should recognize the inherent risks associated with making that kind of choice on that kind of time frame. It's called setting yourself up for bitter disappointment in direct proportion to the unreal pedestal you used to prop up the other person. This ain’t rocket science, dude. Duuuude.

And it's hard to imagine many of them saying she shouldn't have hoped for anything more. Or how about the idea that he needed to do all that to know she really wasn't what he was looking for? Come on. No--we'd be hearing what an SOB he was to lead her on that way, just so he could use her for sex.

Here’s something else that might be difficult for you to grasp: there are certain gender-based differences in behavior. Don't blame me, I didn't make the rules. One of them is that men really don’t feel any angst about “using” a woman for sex (generally speaking, of course)…. So I wonder what your point is except to lend support to some strange theory that the OP was treated unfairly just because he’s a man.

It's easy to lecture other people about falling too fast for someone, but how much you let yourself feel depends a lot on what you're seeing from the other person. If they know how to use people and don't mind doing it, and you're attracted to them, no one's immune to being fooled.

Let's be more direct: how much you let yourself feel depends a lot on what you deliberately imagine being able to gain from the deal, because no sexual relationship between adults is without its conditions and quid pro quo. The bottom line is that if you are putting your emotional well-being on the line after only 3 dates, something is probably seriously wrong with this picture. (That one is completely independent of gender, BTW.) As Richard Feynman said, “The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool.”
 jezebellpgh
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 57
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/2/2010 5:16:01 AM
It's kind of funny, people stating here that you only went out on 3 dates, according to these same people, they've had sex with someone on the 3rd. Does this mean you've all had a meaningless fling with a stranger?
 jezebellpgh
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 58
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/2/2010 5:17:51 AM
S. Diesel:

Just because someone is not overweight doesn't mean they have alot to give to anyone. Weight is irrelevant really, its a nice little dig that make you "believe" you are superior.
 five-marie
Joined: 2/9/2010
Msg: 59
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/2/2010 5:39:53 AM
Saying the op resembles the Pillsbury Doughboy is not the truth. It's simply an insult. If his date returned 3 times, spent a weekend, made out with him I'm thinking it wasn't his weight that was the problem.
Truth is we (and probably him) will never know why she decided not to pursue this. I see many fit attractive people in here looking for someone for years. Fitness is not a guarantee.
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 60
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/2/2010 5:42:44 AM
^^^could you be any more transparent, diesel? do you really think you're doing OP a favor by insisting he's physically unattractive? taken at face value your comments aren't so bad, because yes who can say that being in shape is a terrible thing, but in context, they suck. because you missed the point. i am not sure if that's because relevance actually escaped your attention, or because you merely ignored it since you saw this as your next best opportunity to promote your personal version of physical culture, primal attraction, and sexual conquest. meanwhile, why didn't you notice that the OP's appearance one way or the other certainly didn't prevent him from meeting this lady and going out on 3 really nice dates with her, or having any other relationship he's ever had? or is this the point where you insist that she must have left him because he totally sucks at cuddling or because he is hung like a squirrel?
 DemonLeather
Joined: 8/10/2007
Msg: 61
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/2/2010 6:04:19 AM
Look,. being fat, skinny, butt ugly or even "Fugly" has nothing to do with it,. It's ATTITUDE.. pure & simple.. I've seen guys that resemble crosses between pit bulls & English buldogs with hot babes that make me twinge & throb just watching them walk by (the GIRLS, not the Pit/English Bull mix ) Every time they put me in a cast or put in a new pin I gain between 15-30 lbs. decause I eat like I'm still working/active, and it can take me a year or more to get back to where I used to be. I haven't seen my "6-pack" since I was 26..(those 12 packs & cases replaced it ) But I can go to a bar & drag out a quite respectable hunny. (she MAY even still be SOBER! ) It's attitude, projection and how you hold & carry yourself.. Otherwise,. you get that "I'M DESPERATE" look and they can even smell it like adrenalin... So OP,. hold yer head up, yer stomach in and Show em you could care less what they think,.. they'll love ya for it.
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