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 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 62
Dumped again I cant take much more.Page 3 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
Boy, there's no room in today society for the John Wayne types anymore! Poor bastard is probably rolling in his grave right now!

Demon & diesel BOTH are correct...
Let me add: OP, put on your big boy pants, stop whining and straighten yourself out! Don't expect some woman to fix you...fix yourself!
You need to be able to stand up like a man...if going to a gym and losing weight will do that for you, by al means.... Git 'er Done!

Personally I struggle with weight too... yet, even when I'm heavy, like right now...I still can attract girls....its attitude! I will admit, awhile back last year even though I was in better physical shape, I was a bit depressed... over finances...I still attracted women....just the wrong kind!

Attitude IS 80% if not more of the game!

OP, if you're crushed after a third date, you're far beyond wearing your heart on your sleeve....you're putting your heart in the grinder and pointing to the handle and telling them to crank it!
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 63
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/2/2010 9:10:17 AM

OP, if you're crushed after a third date, you're far beyond wearing your heart on your sleeve....you're putting your heart in the grinder and pointing to the handle and telling them to crank it!

PFT!!! Maybe in your world. Doesn't mean your right (or wrong for that matter.) Probably means for you having feelings early on isn't an option. Some of us have been blessed with knowing sooner than the third date if it's going to work or not. And some of us have known in seconds it's not going anywhere at all. JMO
 DemonLeather
Joined: 8/10/2007
Msg: 64
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/2/2010 9:26:16 AM
I'm probably going to put my foot right in it here,.. admitting this..but I've got close to women just exchanging emails with them. Sometimes, things just "click" and when they do, there's really nothing you can do about it, but ride it out. (yeah,. I know,, Dweeby huh?.. I have NO idea WHY I'm even touching on this crap)But a lot of emotion can come through a variety of media,.. IF you mean what you say, when you say it...And Me,.. I'm honest as a brick in your face,.. I can be just as soft on the other side, but I have to keep that one hidden down and away,. it breaks easy,..hard to heal, and so far they haven't been able to pin, wire, or screw it,.. like the rest of me (I'm hoping for a stem cell break-through )
It's usually doomed to failure,. I'll p1ss them off by just being "me" (yup,. it's a talent ) and that will be that,. I'll become a host of different names,.."Pig" "Bonehead", Rat-Ba$tard" seem to come immediately to the forefront., But yeah,.. it still stings,.. I can relate to the OP's perdiciment,. Heh, at least he went out with them,.. all I got was writer's cramp & depression..from a thousand miles off..
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 65
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/2/2010 9:29:04 AM

Drew,
Please don`t take this the wrong way!

You`re 41 years old and overweight! You look 10 years older than your profile indicates.
A women is always seeking a man who is at least somewhat in decent physical condition and well kept!
Your not! The reason this keeps happening to you is simple! Truthfully, you know as well as i, you need to shed 15-20 pounds,by hitting the gym and gain some muscle tone.
Women aren`t into flabby bodes,no matter how nice a man you claim to be.
These women, are finding it next to impossible to get close to you and no matter how hard some of them are trying, the chemistry and sexual attraction isn`t there...
Im 42 this month and i have alot to give but i feel like i just cant do this anymore to much hurt.Im sorry all this is just self pity if im honest but im so hurt as i was falling for her..
You`re in denial! Take hold of your life, stop kidding yourself about your appearance and do something which will make you more appealing to a women! If you don`t, i`m sorry to tell you this will continue to happen. Heck you`re 0-4. Don`t you get it by now?!


This has nothing to do with the original op, but always, somehow it comes up that if
something happens in the relationship, it's because you weren't attractive enough,
you're too fat or whatever. We can't all be as hawt as some of us think we are, who
the heck would be left to put down?
jaysus.

The OP obviously attracts women as he's been on dates. I think sadly, you are attracting women that are giving off the same vibes as you are. You do seem
desperate for a relationship (and believe me, 40's is certainly not the age to give
up on having one) and I think the woman that recently dumped you was just as
desperate. She was hoping (as you were) that she would feel a connection with you
and she is no doubt feeling as disappointed as you. I agree with Chill, she shouldn't
have lead you on like that just to dump you, that was just mean.

Stop expecting everyone you meet to be "THE ONE". Just expect that you'll meet
someone nice and have a nice time. I think you're putting too much pressure on
yourself and your dates are feeling it as well.
 matchlight
Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 66
view profile
History
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/2/2010 10:25:32 AM

if you are putting your emotional well-being on the line after only 3 dates, something is probably seriously wrong with this picture.


That must mean the three-date rule, which we keep hearing so many guys follow, requires a woman either to risk having the man stop asking her out, or to have sex with him without letting her emotions get involved. Which many of them don't seem to find so easy to do.

I agree that's pretty soon to let yourself get deeply involved. But how many people would stay interested in someone who was still playing it cool after, say, six dates? If things are going to develop, it seems to me someone has to show they'd like to be more than just friends. And it's usually the man who's expected to lead the way.

There's obviously no formula for who shows how much interest, or when. But somehow, it has to be shown. If neither person stuck their neck out at all, I don't see how they'd ever get romantically involved with each other.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 67
view profile
History
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/2/2010 10:37:55 AM
Have you ever heard of CoDependents Anonymous? Find a meeting or the book CoDependent No More. Your self-esteem is way too dependent on someone else accepting or rejecting you. Create an interesting life for yourself that does not depend on having a partner. Then you won't be so dependent on someone else giving meaning to your life. You'll be in a better position to decide whether someone is right for you and not be crushed if, after a few dates, they decide not.


I'm not sure I understand that. Sounds to me like she sure did remove herself--but not before bringing over candles and spending the night kissing and cuddling on the sofa as they watched movies. Did she really need to do all that to decide he wasn't for her? Or maybe she led him on, possibly because the attention flattered her. Good for her, bad for him-- but maybe she didn't give a rip.

I do agree that's a pretty mixed signal.


I'm probably going to put my foot right in it here,.. admitting this..but I've got close to women just exchanging emails with them.

I have, too, over a period of time. But I'm also realistic.
 DemonLeather
Joined: 8/10/2007
Msg: 68
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/2/2010 11:07:21 AM
I'm probably going to put my foot right in it here,.. admitting this..but I've got close to women just exchanging emails with them.

"I have, too, over a period of time. But I'm also realistic."


Ahh My Sweet,.. as am I, but as I said sometimes that "click", can be like hancuffs..And sometimes reality is conseptual. There's a book that My Uncle in law (well ex Uncle in law) wrote that was umm "fiction to a point" He was ret Army intelligence, worked with the "remote viewing" project. The book was loosey based in that where the main character falls in love with a woman he psychically bonds with during a remote viewing, and becomes deeply emotionally involved with her, and attemps to find her in reality. But, the reality was, she died a hundred years before he was born..Reality, what a concept...
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 69
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/2/2010 11:31:59 AM
How can someone who hasn't even been in a relationship with a person, possibly get dumped? I thought people had to be going out to get dumped?

Threads like these make me glad I'm single. Seriously?? Emotionally attachment only after four dates?
 foreverstacey
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 70
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/2/2010 11:52:00 AM

It's kind of funny, people stating here that you only went out on 3 dates, according to these same people, they've had sex with someone on the 3rd. Does this mean you've all had a meaningless fling with a stranger?


Speaking as one of those people who was stumped by the three date thing.. I have never had sex with someone on the third date. I don't know who these "people" are, but I think thats not anyones business but their own.

I agree with above though.. to get dumped you have to be in a relationship with someone. After 3 dates, thats simply not the case. Again too, THIS IS NOT PUTTING YOUR HEART ON YOUR SLEEVE. Thats the most bogus excuse i've ever heard.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 72
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/2/2010 12:35:30 PM

That must mean the three-date rule, which we keep hearing so many guys follow, requires a woman either to risk having the man stop asking her out, or to have sex with him without letting her emotions get involved. Which many of them don't seem to find so easy to do.

When did the infamous 3-date rule include a clause that indicates no one is feeling anything by said third date? (And when did it include the concept that women who don't feel anything are "giving in"? Some women enjoy sex, just for sex. Not ALL women need warm/fuzzies in order to feel sex is appropriate for their own self.) SIGH!!! The longer I'm online, that happier I am to no longer be here for the suggested purpose of this site (i.e.: dating.)

Ahh My Sweet,.. as am I, but as I said sometimes that "click"

That "click" was the tool I used to determine who to actually meet or not to meet. My ration of one-n-done vs. the possibilities of future dates and/or relationship was turned completely upside down. I haven't had a dreaded first/last-date-combo in a VERY long time. JMO
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 73
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/2/2010 1:36:49 PM

This man`s issues revolve around his being overweight and unattractive to a women. His issues, are all about his lack of sensuality,which is his problem.
The text he received from this women, is proof positive,she was turned off by his sexuality and appearance.
If the OP had come in here and said, "I can't seem to get any women interested in me," then you'd have a valid reason to bring up his appearance. But that isn't what happened here. The woman had enough interest in him to make out with him so there must have been some attraction on her part. Every guy I've ever met off POF has been physically fit and reasonably attractive yet aside from one, I felt no romantic interest toward them. And the one I did feel a romantic interest toward, I went out with a few times and kissed on each date but didn't feel enough of a connection to sleep with him or continue seeing him-- the physical attraction was there quite strongly but not the emotional attraction. So perhaps you need to recognize that appearance wasn't necessarily the culprit in this instance because people don't usually make out with dates they think are unattractive.


I think" mtnlover" made a point that might make some sense....she expected things to go into the bedroom, they didn't....maybe to ad to that she saw him as clingy. So, she moved on.
You guys are thinking like men. Dumping someone because they haven't put out by the third date is the typical domain of men (and probably the men who are only after sex anyway). If she liked him enough that she wanted to have sex on the third date, she most likely would have gone out on a fourth date. My guesses for what happened are: she was ambivalent but gave it a fair shot but realized she didn't have enough interest OR something happened on that date that turned her off OR her interest was intercepted by another guy.
 matchlight
Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 75
view profile
History
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/2/2010 3:24:39 PM

When did the infamous 3-date rule include a clause that indicates no one is feeling anything by said third date? (And when did it include the concept that women who don't feel anything are "giving in"? Some women enjoy sex, just for sex. Not ALL women need warm/fuzzies in order to feel sex is appropriate for their own self.)


I'm sure I don't know. You may want to read more carefully. Unless, of course, you purposely misstated what I said as an excuse to show your exasperation at my supposed stupidity.

I never even implied any of the things you suggest. I was responding to someone who'd said there's something wrong, if you're feeling so much for someone after only 3 dates that you're very hurt if they break things off. I said that if that's true, it suggests that anyone who follows that 3-date rule should keep their emotions pretty much out of the sex. I said the problem is that many women say they don't find that so easy to do.

I never said, or even implied, that was true of *all* women--although I doubt the ones who keep their affections out of things often get a very big thrill out of the experience. Believe it or not, even some of us men find that's true.
 jezebellpgh
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 76
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/2/2010 4:36:04 PM
Aloo:

Not really, when you are older and more mature, appearance means less, it is who you are as a human that really matters. Actually, I can honestly say the people who bring up looks all the time, really aren't that hot as they think they are to be the ones to be critical of anyone.
 jezebellpgh
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 77
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/2/2010 4:37:16 PM
Its kind of funny, I've never done the 3rd date thing, it must be when people go into heat and want to be with a total stranger.
 bikeman1467
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 78
view profile
History
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/2/2010 9:33:36 PM
Not sure here if there is any sort of "three-date" violation here. The OP states that both she and he were not to bump and grind on the candle date at the OP's place. But who knows, she might have been looking for the OP to make some sort of move, even if she would rebuff it she might have still been looking for it. Hey lots of things don't make sense with dating.

This lady indeed might have been looking for Drew to make an amorous move on her that night. If I were in a scenario like this, I'd politely tell my lady that I'm real turned on but I want to wait just a bit longer before going all the way. I've done this in two of my relationships--relationships that ignited on the next date. Honesty is always the best policy--if the lady flips out that her dude isn't jumping her bones on the third date after a conversation like this, and she summarily dumps her dude--IMO it's not the dude with the problem, it's on the lady--and I wouldn't worry about the fact that a flighty ditzy flitty chick that I didn't really know that well just flaked out on me--that's her loss, not mine--and I'm not wasting my valuable free time with a woman who isn't accurately reflecting her true feelings for me when she's spending time with me.

Also, I'm not sure if the OP's weight and appearance has any sort of issue here with the outcome of this relationship. He's dated four women in less than a year, and went on three dates with this latest woman. I do recommend though that he work out--not to pick up chicks, but to feel better about himself. Working out builds up one's confidence and releases healthy endorphins--that reason enough to work out. Being more attractive to the opposite sex is a bonus and a great fringe benefit of maintaining one's health. I always say "take care of the body and the rest naturally follows"--that is, mental health and success in life and relationships.
 TravelingLight
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 79
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/2/2010 10:01:12 PM

Yes, he does seem to correspond being happy with having a partner and yes I am sure he himself would say there are improvements to be made but lets remember people have feelings.


Mrs Houseman (and a few others) you are a breath of fresh air.

Medicine sometimes goes down a bit better with some sugar
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 80
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/2/2010 10:47:55 PM



Medicine sometimes goes down a bit better with some sugar


Yeah, that helps with children....who really wants a full grown man/child?

Take your medicine like a man!
 TravelingLight
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 81
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/2/2010 11:01:17 PM
Ha ha ! funny as a joke but not something anybody can take seriously.

sometimes you need a bit of sympathy, not just being roughed up. ;)
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 83
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/3/2010 5:00:20 AM



It's not about being treated like a child I just think we should remember that people have feelings that's all.
Of the people who are not just here for the forums, the others are not successful in finding THE relationship, or else you wouldn't be on a dating website so lets remember we are actually all in the same boat here.Can we have some empathy?


True...but what we have here is a 42 year old man who is broken up and whiny over a three date loss.....this is the reaction of a 14 year old boy who is just learning about love and rejection.

Sure we've all felt that INSTANT connection....sometimes its not returned...oh well!
Sometimes it IS returned or so we think and we find ourselves doing stupid things because of it!
This is something the players and con artists try to perfect ...putting us in that stupid swooning state...be it for love or greed. Either way, we need to be able to snap out of it before we go too far...in the OP's case the mere thought of a connection puts himself in this fantasy state.
Someone who is NOT trying to take advantage of him will consciously or subconsciously recognize this and see it as the red flag of desperation.

Fact is, as some MEN here have pointed out, Op needs to toughen up...his outside aren't the only thing on the soft side!
Why does everyone focus on the physical? ...simple....because the cover very often indicates what's in the book!
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 85
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/3/2010 5:55:53 AM
All the complaints about not asking for the advice being given is like taking your car to a mechanic because its running poorly and complaining when the mechanic tells you the car needs everything because you haven't taken care of it.....do you want to avoid the problem in the future or do you just want someone to fix it for you so you can mess it up again?
 TravelingLight
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 86
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/3/2010 6:38:09 AM
Some of you don't get it. No one's against giving advice. But it's the way you give it (quit whining, you don't need relationships to be happy, 3 dates and you were in love with her? HA HA HA, you're a lovable loser, etc), that isn't exactly the way to talk to someone who has heartache and feels like giving in..
not a freaking word of sympathy, lots of assumptions (how do some of you know what he thinks or why he behaves certain way?), some mediocre advice that could pass as trolling, etc

I wouldn't let any of you counsel my cat
 ChillinChill
Joined: 10/2/2010
Msg: 88
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/3/2010 11:54:13 AM
Drew...

Looks are subjective. One man may find me gorgeous, another might want to put a bag over my head. One man may think I have an incredible body, another one might think I look like a toothpick. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

To the posters confused about the meaning of the phrase
" To wear my heart on my sleeve"
Just means to be open about your emotions, your feelings, you are not the type to bottle up your sentiments or be evasive about them.
The expression if my memory serves me right comes from Shakesphere, the 1600's.
Woman of the era would tie a token or "favor" onto a mans sleeve to show that she was betrothed or belonged to him. I'm not sure which play. I think in reference to one of King Lears daughters or it was in Othello.

Every other womans profile I read states this is a desirable trait. I personally would prefer it to playing guessing games about how a man feels about me.
How many threads have we read where an OP posts complaining about how she or he doesn't know how the other person feels about them? She can't guess. This man has the ability to express himself emotionally and some have put him down for it. Why?
It's not desperation. It is a good quality. It shows me that you Drew, are a man that is undaunted about expressing emotions. Good for you.

I am not in objection to Deisels advice.I truly believe that real confidence comes from self improvement and finding your weaknesses. Weight may not be your issue OP. You maybe completely happy with the way your body is. I don't know. I do know after two heart attacks that a healthy regimen of going to the gym, eating right, excercise and strength training has been a key to an over all feeling of well being and confidence.

The truth is and as trite as this may sound... YOU have to love yourself before someone else will love you. YOU have to fill the VOID you feel in your life with YOU.
Happiness is only something you can give to yourself, you can not find it through or with or from another. It is an INSIDE job. No one will hand you confidence on a silver platter. You have to find it within yourself.

For many years I thought that IF ONLY I had someone to love that my life would be complete. That if I had someones devotion, admiration and kindness that I would be happy. It was a lie. I was not happy with myself. In reality it didn't really amount to a hill of beans what another person thought or felt about me.

WHAT MATTERED WAS WHAT I FELT ABOUT ME.

So perhaps OP it is a time for you to do some soul searching. Some self scrutinizing. Ask yourself what it is that you TRULY want to do or NEED to do to build your confidence. It may not be loosing weight. It maybe something else. It may come as a shock to some men but there are woman that actually PREFER OP's body type.

Drew... it is not just about the body. It is about multi facets of a man, a connection on many levels. Physical is just one. I want to know a man intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, his personality, sence of humor, his nature, genreousity, kindness...
A connection for me goes far beyond the physical. I have had many gorgeous men approach me in the past years. GQ model types. Very handsome....and have rejected them because as soon as they open their mouth I find them materialistic, vain, conceited, selfish and narcissistic. Looks are not everything. I will admit this was the initial attraction... but even a handsome man with the personality of a doorknob leaves a lot to be desired.

Meister Eckhart in one of his sermons states something to the effect..
That it is within our weaknesses that we shall find our virtues.
2 Corinthians: (not sure of chap & verse) reads " power is perfected in weakness"

So Drew,
Look at this experience as a learning curve. Take something from this rejection and hurt that you are feeling and utilize it to find out why you are experiencing this feeling that you want to "give up" at such a young age. Find out what will fill the VOID for you.

For me, it is a close and personal relationship with God and MYSELF.
Blaise Pascal wrote:
"What else does this craving, and this helplessness, proclaim but that there was once in man a true happiness, of which all that now remains is the empty print and trace? This he tries in vain to fill with everything around him, seeking in things that are not there the help he cannot find in those that are, though none can help, since this infinite abyss can be filled only with an infinite and immutable object; in other words by God himself."

I believe this. That our primary relationship and source of true happiness can only come from a love of self. That the VOID within can only be filled by developing a relationship with oneself and one with our Maker.

Good luck... don't let people sideswipe you here. Take what you think will apply to you, your feelings and your predicament and try to make some positive changes FOR YOU.
Set some healthy boundaries for yourself and don't put yourself in a setting in the future where you are bordering intimacy with a woman that hasn't expressed her intentions with you or reciprocated like or mutual attraction .

Go back to fishing.... and pass off this last one as devine intervention. I think you dodged a bullet.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 89
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/3/2010 11:59:26 AM
Okay, first off, never saw anyone call the OP a loser....
Second, men generally are direct in their speak.
Third, OP...wearing your heart on your sleeve IS a crime for you since you've claimed you're the victim of it!
Personally I think you went far beyond wearing it on your sleeve but I digress.
Fourth, OP...I don't know about the whole stone thing...what that relates to in pounds, but my question to you is now that you're getting in better shape are you not beginning to feel more confident and like you deserve more than just the first person who will accept you?
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 90
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/3/2010 12:20:50 PM
Okay, some posters have said that you need to lose the weight, others that you need an attitude readjustment, that you need to stop being such a whimp and take rejection like a man.

Here are some odd thoughts. A good friend of man is fat as hell. His wife left him, he had his house foreclosure and he has some health issues. So he starts going out, and each week picks up a different girl under 27. These women are attractive.

He tells me that the whole idea of losing weight and working out may as well go out the window.

So, guys, everything is relative. What the OP does not have is ATTITUDE. So how do you get that? How do you gain CONFIDENCE?

Your mind controls the body, however, what is not known is that what happen in the body also affects the mind. Yes you start going to the gym because it increases your endorphins, your health and your attitude. Then start doing something that is more extreme. For instance, run a half marathon, or bike 100 miles, or even walk ten miles. When you achieve those goals you feel better about yourself. When you feel better about your self, you build confidence.

Then embrace rejection. Say to yourself that you are going to get rejected 100 times in one week. To do that, go talk to every single woman you can and see how long you last before she shoots you down. Have fun doing that.

As long as you are an emotional whimp, nothing will EVER change. So work on that.
My buddy, loves to go to a club or bar and he sits at the bar. He act like he does not want to talk to anyone and give you the look of "Leave me the f vck alone" when approached. Then throws a wise a ss remark that disarms women, and before you know it THEY are talking to him.

So go somewhere and talk. Learn to exchange banter, fun, wisecracks. Start with your guy friends, then include women friends, then approach women that are beautiful and tread them like you do not care that they are beautiful. Tread every single rejection as a victory, each victory will make you tougher, better. Laugh at yourself and enjoy.

Then and only then things will begin to work for you. And you are going to find out that life is not at the end but the beginning, that being your age is a blessing and that you have many years of fun ahead of you.

But you start with your head.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 92
Dumped again I cant take much more.
Posted: 11/3/2010 1:08:23 PM

Not a single one would consider going out with you?! How`s that?

It's wrong, is how it is. AAMOF he's just my type, to the extent that I have one. Except for the whole living 3000 miles away thing.
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