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 AUTHOR
 REDDRAGON.
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 20
Is this the beginning to the end?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)

This morning I must admit I am all sad cause I sure missed our morning snuggling and now I'm feeling all paranoid wondering if I should start pulling back from this relationship preparing for the end. I feel really silly about being all worried but prior to last night it was just never a question as to whether he'd be over or not - at the very least coming over to hang out for a while before going home.



OP you are not alone there was a time I thought the world revolved around me too.
 likemyrock
Joined: 10/21/2010
Msg: 21
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 2:49:11 PM

Is this the beginning to the end?

Depends on what kind of people you are.

I mean

he texted he thinks he's just gonna crash at home tonight and am I okay with that.

He asks if you are okay with that?
He needs your permission to sleep at his own house?
So basically you are the mommy in the relationship and he has to make sure it's okay with you to have a sleep over at his own house, rather than make an adult decision and be accountable for it?

But as I said, it depends on the type of people you are. Maybe you like being the mommy. Maybe he likes being submissive and insecure. Maybe that works in your relationship.

It also depends on the whole

dating this guy for a few months - the last three weeks he's stayed over every night...he's been quite a bit more into me than I am to him.

That makes me wonder if he is really sub and insecure. So he has to give you constant contact and validation, stroke your solipsistic ego, basically make it all about you...put on the facade just to get what he wants from you, because he doesn't feel like he's a good enough person otherwise.
The problem with that is it gets tiring. No one has the strength to maintain a facade forever, no one gets the same high forever. Eventually it breaks down.

But there really isn't all that much information in the OP to really determine this.
I've just seen this happen time and time and time and time again, most especially with people that meet online...but nothing says you met online.

Plus you got to look at

am I okay with that...I have no problem giving him space

See? Solipsism.
You simply accept that he has to make sure his decisions are okay with you.
And you feel you are giving him space rather than accepting his decisions about himself.

So

Is this the beginning to the end?

Maybe. IME in these types of relationships this is about the start of it.
When one person begins regretting all that they had to socially pay and who they had to falsely become in order to get what they wanted. Then they slowly start asserting themselves, changing behavior to let out who they "really" are in order to try and get the relationship either equal or focused on them for a change.

It really just depends on how much passive weakness of his personality is real. If he is looking to be sub to you, have you kind of run things (assuming the OP is worded naturally) then it might mean nothing.

Of course it could all be the whole "communication in the relationship sucks" problem.
He seemed unsure whether it was all right with you whether he stayed home or not.
And it looked like you didn't offer or ask to go over to his house.
And you became paranoid about it, meaning you had no idea what was going on, just interpreted via your fear.

So basically, he doesn't know what's okay with you, and you don't know what he is doing.
Which basically means the whole last few months and spending 3 weeks in constant contact...well, you didn't really learn anything about each other that was important.
 xlr8ingmargo
Joined: 10/23/2010
Msg: 22
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 2:53:48 PM
Welcome to the DOM side. Find a guy that likes it and your good to go OP.
If not let the man be a man and not your slave.
 3prong
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 23
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 3:12:16 PM
Hmmm. You guys have given me a lot to think about here.

After that main ex, I've had a couple short relationships that I've gotten out of quite quickly because I felt I wasn't able to really give myself over to a relationship - thus my total desire to remain single - I was happy (comfortable) there. This new guy took me by surprise and I'm kind of in uncharted territory. He really is very wonderful! I know things have been moving fast but everything has just felt so right with him.

I feel I am pretty level headed and confident on most fronts but reflecting on a number of the comments made here I am starting to think that on the relationship front I have some pretty big fears to work through and some significant soul searching to do.

I do really appreciate all the candid comments. Thank you.
 Cuppey
Joined: 10/23/2010
Msg: 24
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 6:03:10 PM

Separated with kids? Didn't read that part. For gods sake lady, what were you thinking? You've known him 3 months and you let him crash at your place for 3 weeks and you've got kids in the house? I wonder how they felt about their new quasi-roommate? He may be the greatest guy in the world but you should finish one chapter of your life before you start worrying about the outcome of the second one. Going out to the wee hours and coming home trashed. Sounds like quite the mature romance.
Your priorities are totally fu*ked up.


Too funny...but yeah....I second what she said!!!
 UglyFroggieCritter
Joined: 8/21/2010
Msg: 25
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 6:13:00 PM
See messages 19 and 21 where the OP clarifies children/status.

OP

Just relax. Breathe in, breathe out. Don't freak out over the small stuff, and him wanting to spend a night at his place after three weeks at yours is, indeed, small stuff.

Enjoy the relationship as it unfolds.
 Cuppey
Joined: 10/23/2010
Msg: 26
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 6:28:25 PM
Thank you, uglyfroggiecritter, I appreciate that. Trying to delete my post.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 27
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 10:10:09 PM
I wouldn't worry about it, Cuppey, everybody misses stuff here and there sometimes.

3prong, thanks for the clarifications. I agree that your profile status should be "single," not that it matters much as you are involved at present and thus not looking.


This new guy took me by surprise and I'm kind of in uncharted territory.

Understandable, and, you know, so's he! He's never dated you before, after all.

That's all okay, it really sounds like things are going well overall. Just, like I said, maybe the two of you should clarify expectations. If that'll take a little soul-searching on your part to be sure what yours are, that's okay, too! Likely enough he's doing the same thing. But overall, it does seem quite positive so far.

Hope things continue to go well!
 HStro
Joined: 10/27/2010
Msg: 28
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 10:14:58 PM
he might be seeing someone else but dont jump to conclusions just yet
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 29
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 10:18:25 PM
Everyone needs down time.
You have 2 choices here: you can realize that one incident does not make a pattern, relax, or you will create this drama in your mind which will only make things worse. This will lead you down a path where your looking for things to go wrong.
If you do this by your sheer anxiety you will change the relationship you have with him right now.
This will inevitably, change the dynamics of your relationship by you playing the victim, due to your own anxiety.
You are not a victim, do not look for trouble!
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 30
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 10:30:51 PM
OP- maybe he wanted to go home and wash his clothes?

have you been washing his clothes for him?


gosh- you are way toooooo insecure in yourself.
 E_keys
Joined: 10/3/2009
Msg: 31
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 10:38:01 PM
When people have been alone for a while then really connect with someone, it's too delicious to have them to snuggle in the morning and you can get kind of heady with it, and crash on the day off. Emotionally, that's what I hear you saying happened.

In his case, he got that maybe but also got stretched and fatigued, too many nights away from his own house, that would have wiped me out much sooner than three weeks even if I was crazy about a guy.

You got good suggestions above to get yourself back into a more levelheaded frame of mind, to make sure the center of the universe is located somewhere more equally between you (that you acknowledge his feelings, not give permission for them), and to tell him " I like you so much. What do you think our regular routine can be?"

For the latter there might be little pieces you can break off. Options to work late? Evenings for a hobby that doesn't involve both of you? How often you both like to cook at home versus eat on the run?

I dated a seperated guy once who was living in a crash-space and he found it very nice to escape to my place once a week. Months later, he'd moved into a more permanent place requiring normal upkeep, and the routine changed - tacitly. I remember how upsetting it was to me to see that "date night" as I knew it had gone away, because there was no clear communication.

From his point of view, he was balancing what was necessary, what was pleasurable, and what was exhausting, for himself, in both cases. We both had to put some work in to start talking about it in a rational way instead of an off-kilter emotional way.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 32
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 10:55:21 PM
OP you are not alone there was a time I thought the world revolved around me too.

OMFG!!! It doesn't revolve around you? I missed the memo.

~OP~ I think you get the idea. I had a BF years ago and he was forever asking me if I missed him. Ummmmmm ~ NO, I didn't. He was never gone long enough to miss. I think everyone needs their space (some people need more than others of course.) Give him a break, and take one for yourself. JMO
 hereindixie
Joined: 10/23/2010
Msg: 33
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 10:57:33 PM
maybe you should have stayed at his house some.
 AintNoDeal
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 34
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 11:03:10 PM

Separated with kids? Didn't read that part. For gods sake lady, what were you thinking?
Whoa...whoa....slow down....!!! You ladies will give all the guys whiplash!

One is tearing the wallpaper down with her fingernails because some guy didn't come by ONE night in 90 days, then when the world "separated" is brought up, the femme pack is ready to beat down her doors and tear her limb from limb like a mob of zombies!

Can we stick to ONE ISSUE at a time?
...or is it "Is she healthy enough for us to kill her?" time????
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 35
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/1/2010 11:29:32 PM
Just chiming in to say, I love everything E_keys said, and I hope it may be helpful.

Editing:
ThNewDeal, there's a "femme pack"? Where the hell's my membership card, dammit?!?
*snerk*
 JRodriguez81
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 36
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/2/2010 1:04:27 AM
See, this is the issue that comes from two people spending WAYYYY too much time together, all the time...up eachother's asses. When one FINALLY breaks free for a moment to take some breathing room, the other generally panics because they have now been in the dreaded "routine".....
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 37
view profile
History
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/2/2010 6:26:49 AM
I totally agree Jrod.....
Why do people feel they need to spend every friggen day with someone they just met?
It puts unrealistic expectations on how their "future" should play out.
Maybe I've been single too long......but I would go running for the hills if a man
expected my attention every night. I have to have some "ME" time.
 3prong
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 38
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/2/2010 8:38:35 AM
Well all, you were right!

Last night was pretty good and we even started talking about a schedule for him staying - I never mentioned anything; he brought it up! Weekends will be a for sure but weekdays are going to need to be worked out - working tired all the time is starting to blow. I think some of my duress over the previous evening must have come through although I thought I was being normal because he also felt he needed to tell me again how glad he is I picked him up (inside joke) and how he can't remember when he was last this happy.

To further clarify though, we don't spend all our time together. We only eat together a couple times a week and both do separate things with our separate friends as well as going out together. In fact, the first time we spent a full 24 hours together was on Saturday. Bedtime though has been our for sure one on one time together and that's where we do most of our talking as well.

Prior to the last three weeks, I did actually stay at his place a few times but my pillow top queen size bed won out over his couch :) I would say it's likely I'll stay there again, just not as a regular thing.

I'm going to really be working hard at trying not to be so scared about losing this and just enjoy it for however long it lasts. I walk around so happy and content most of the time and then my fears get me all worked up over absolutely nothing!

Again, thanks all!
 bikeman1467
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 39
view profile
History
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/2/2010 8:56:47 PM
Is it possible that this dude was a little tired and wanted to give his weiner a break?? I don't see a big deal that a dude comes over to his girlfriends place to spend the night 95% of the nights in a three week period. That sounds like a pretty good percentage to me.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 40
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/3/2010 10:12:57 AM
Oh, good.

And I agree with the excellent insight that it sounds like what the two of you are doing is moving into "the middle." Which is a very nice place to be!

Thanks for updating, I'm glad this is getting resolved so comfortably.

 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 41
view profile
History
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/6/2010 12:55:32 PM

OP you are not alone there was a time I thought the world revolved around me too.
I'd like to know when this little bombshell hit your ivory tower...
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 42
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/6/2010 1:14:22 PM
OP, I did pick up on you typing this:
I have no problem giving him space it's just it was a bit of a surprise since he's been quite a bit more into me than I am to him.

I know you are happy/content again, now that you two have talked .. good!
But, something in you made you type that sentence up there.
So.. don't do anything too rash for awhile.
 CynthiaSMW
Joined: 9/20/2010
Msg: 43
Is this the beginning to the end?
Posted: 11/6/2010 2:12:02 PM
I'm with red dragon here.
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