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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore      Home login  
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 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 26
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymorePage 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
^^^ Great post vannili.

Get your son help. You didnt state wheather he was a special needs child or just a brat. Even special needs children have to have boundaries and behaviour expectations, so either way, focus on him. If he is too much for her to be around, by all means let her go, she shouldnt have to stay/be around people where she is miserable, and he doesnt need someone who doesnt like him and treats him bad around. Not a good familial match. (if her kid is 14 and picking on your son, sounds like she has a bully brat also, be GLAD to leave that crapola behind) but thats a whole other topic).
As for money, i am pretty sure she is an adult woman, who will know what to do to support herself if you leave.

Be strong Dad, it will be ok. Children are challenging sometimes. Let her go her own way, then get some help for your son, and work on building a new way of living with your son.
 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 27
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/10/2010 10:02:13 AM
A child will either train you or you'll train the child. I've raised 3 of my own and I can observe my 4 yr old grandson's behaviour when he's in the presence of his paternal grandparents and when we're alone, or when he's with my daughter, his mother. With the other grandparents he runs the show; with me he's calmer and more interactive simply because I won't put up with bad behaviour from him. I talk to him and let him know what is expected. If he starts a tantrum I walk away, turn my back and tell him we'll continue talking when he's under control. It's not the response he wants so he quickly stops.

His paternal grandparents cater to him and will bend over backwards when he's angry. I know they love him dearly, but he's running them. I tell them constantly not to reward his bad behaviour. A teacher at school, who has 25 other children, or another adult won't see him as being as 'cute' as we think he is, nor will they tolerate him.

It's so vital at this stage for an adult to be the adult. A screaming and bratty child is begging for guidance. You as a father have to learn to parent. No need for raised voices or spankings. Just a firm no nonsence, but loving tone, that gets the message through that "yes I love you dearly but I won't put up with bad behaviour, nor is anyone else required to do so". A time out is sometimes necessary. If a child is tired, or over-stimulated, you have to be able to recognize that as well. An earlier bedtime may be in order. At 5 he still requires 10-12 hours of sleep.

He needs structure and a calming environment. If you're working and not able to give him the time, and he doesn't have a constant adult caregiver, the child is reacting to the upheaval in his life. If your girlfriend is trying to help you and is being affective and she loves your child, make sure you present a unified front and you ensure that you're both expecting the same behaviour from him. When you're home give him one on one time, and do things together so that he's not acting up as a way of getting attention even if it's in a negative way.

It really is about being firm calm and loving as a parent. There's really no other secret.

Some excellent points from Mistress Chill!
 lordzod
Joined: 9/28/2010
Msg: 28
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/10/2010 10:08:00 AM

my girlfriend who asks herself why she is putting up with this when its not her kid.

This is your girlfriend telling you that she doesn't believe you have any skin in the game.


I'm not the best father

Stop right here. Time to take ownership of this issue and become a better father. Agree with everyone else...counseling or parenting classes. See if your girlfriend is willing to attend with you. If she is not, then this problem has probably festered far too long and it's time to go.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 29
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Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/10/2010 10:48:55 AM
Thank you Mistress Chill, that you did not see the 5 years old boy as a brat. He needs love,care and guidance ..

What bugs me is this 38 years old woman defeated by a 5 years boy rebellion, I wonder the upbringing of her 14 years old daughter ,if she doesn't know how to be a mother to a 5 years old boy..
 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 30
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Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/10/2010 11:44:00 AM

What bugs me is this 38 years old woman defeated by a 5 years boy rebellion, I wonder the upbringing of her 14 years old daughter ,if she doesn't know how to be a mother to a 5 years old boy..
I’m looking at this from a different point of view… the relationship that she is in appears to be relatively new so she could still be trying to find her sea legs in guiding the child.

I was in a relationship in the past where the man had a young daughter, the girl was six at the time we started dating. I was completely floored when the things I had taught my children had never been shown to this child by either the mother or the father. The child had an issue with pulling at her hair and worrying it so much that she was left with bald spots…

There are instances of just not wanting to deal with another person’s mess.
 Twilightslove
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 31
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Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/10/2010 11:53:48 AM

I've been living with this woman for since June. The way we met wasn't the best situation, but I thought it could work.[/quote

June isn't much time for two families to get used to each other. I'm not sure why you don't feel like the situation in which you met was not so good from such little information.


My son is 5 years old and requires constant attention. He whines and cries when he doesn't get his way.


Where is your son's mom in all of this? Has he been whining and crying for 5 years or did this just start recently? Sometimes when a child has been raised by one person exclusively they are upset by the integrating of new people. Could it be that your son feels that you are not paying as much attention to him now that you have moved in with this woman and her 14 year old daughter? If it has been happening longer you need to pinpoint when it started and why it might have started. Actually even if it just started you need to try to recognize why he is doing it and how you might be able to make him feel better about this new situation. Sometimes you need to seek counseling for children when there is a divorce and/or a new family created.


Her daughter and my son torment each other. Her only daughter at home is 14.


It sounds like the 14 year old could use some counseling too.


I'm 35 and she is 38. She says she can't take it anymore with my son. We aren't at each other's throat or anything, but she gets upset about things like my son's behavior that we can work on, but can't completely cure.


If she cannot understand your son yet would like to work this out then it sounds like it might take some family counseling as well. Children of divorce have a hard time understanding the changes that happen and as parent's we do not always understand why they are behaving the way they are.


I'm basically providing all the $$$ and I don't want to be a jerk, but I think its just time to leave. She has told me to leave before, but not in a mean nasty way. She kinda has a job, but I'm reluctant to leave since she doesn't earn any money at the present time.


If this relationship cannot be worked on and you need to leave it the fact that she isn't making money is not your fault, however, if you feel that is a reason that you are reluctant to leave perhaps you could offer to help her out financially for a specific amount of time. You need to stipulate that it is only for that time period and that she needs to find other ways of supporting herself and her child by that time.

I hope you all choose counseling. It is such a shame when things do not work out and it is hardest on the children.
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 32
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Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/10/2010 12:15:22 PM

What bugs me is this 38 years old woman defeated by a 5 years boy rebellion, I wonder the upbringing of her 14 years old daughter ,if she doesn't know how to be a mother to a 5 years old boy..


I am not too sure that is a fair description of what is going on here, The OP doesnt seem to himself really have a handle on what going on with his kid, let alone a woman who has only lived with him for 5 months. He also mentions that if he has to move out he will ask his mother or sister to take on the responsibility of raising his child, that doesnt sound like a Dad that is concerned about his son and making sure he is getting the help he needs to deal with his issues. That sounds like a man who is unwilling to deal with his responsibilities and is happy to pawn them off to whoever is willing.
 DudeistPriest
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 33
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/10/2010 12:20:24 PM
Dude, it didn't start well, it isn't going well, and she has asked you to leave. So what are you hanging around for? Leave.
I would say something about how you're trying to save her and all but it appears that you just might be more worried about losing the roof over your head, since it appears to be her roof.....
 ThinkPink
Joined: 11/7/2008
Msg: 34
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/10/2010 1:13:38 PM
First things first... You need to grow a backbone and USE IT! WTH Dude??

Your kid doesn't listen and behave to the extent he is getting into trouble at school, YET you still feel he 1) is manageable and 2) is a brat. Should we hold a contradiction counting session here?...

Then you say she's asked you to move out because she can't handle your son anymore. Uhmm, WTH are you still doing there?? Are you really THAT co-dependent?

Please, for everyone involved... step up and be more assertive with your role as a parent and as a man.
 bmore_goat
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 35
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Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/10/2010 2:52:17 PM
Let look at this with another perspective.
You moved in another woman house, that has a teen-age daughter, with your 5 year-old son.
You have admitted that your son requires a lot of attention.
You have a job that requires you to be away from home a great deal (I take it you are a truck driver). This leads me to believe she does a lot of the childcare.
You provide most of the financial support, but because she does a lot of the childcare, you believe that should compensate for her "kinda job".

I know moving in with this woman seem like a good idea, but it was really just an ideal situation FOR YOU. You got to work your long work hours, bring in good cash and your GF gets to "kinda have a job" and look after your son.

You need to find somewhere else to live. You also need to find a job that will allow you to be a parent instead of leaving it up to the girlfriend to do the brunt of the childcare.

It sucks but, NO ONE else is happy about the living situation.

FWIW. I've seen your situation over a dozen times. Single dads with a young child.
The smart ones DON'T move in with girlfriends and have jobs that take them out of the home for long hours.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 36
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/10/2010 4:33:47 PM
Reason #9456732 why dating and getting involved with someone with kids is never a good idea. Relationships are hard enough to maintain without adding kiddy problems to the mix. I don't understand why the woman hung around for as long as she did if she felt the kid was a monster from Hell from the get-go. Was she so desperate for a guy and hoped the gods would strike and magically turn the kid into a well behaved human?

By the way, OP never mentioned where the biological mother was in the grand scheme of things. Did they share custody of the kid, or is she AWOL, and does the guy have sole custody of the kid? There isn't enough info to get a clear picture of this mess.

I totally agree with the others who said that if you're living in another person's home and they ask you to leave, your best option is to leave. If you don't get that OP, you might come "home" and find your stuff on the street, or she can call the cops and have you physically removed.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 37
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/10/2010 5:38:27 PM

Here's a thought- attend parenting classes together so that you both learn from it and can both hear and apply the same techniques


This suggestion just makes someone else a little richer. "Parenting" is not a course or subject that can be "taught". It's there or it isn't. Kinda like teaching "leadership" course to adults,,,,or how about those "life" coaches??????
Some people should NEVER have children and they only have to look back at their younger years to figure out which ones. If people don't understand the "value" of a child when they are given the gift,,,,they will never get it,,,no matter how many times ya tell em.
 Irish Eyez
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 38
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/10/2010 5:44:55 PM
Another reason why I will not date a man with young children...
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 39
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/10/2010 5:57:57 PM

This is exactly why I won't date a man with small children. Sorry OP, but to allow that behaviour from a five year old is wrong...

That is exactly why I refused to date men with young children also.

~OP~ You may wish to be single, go to parenting classes, get your own household in order than THEN meet/date someone. JMO
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 40
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Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/10/2010 7:07:17 PM
You don't owe it to her to support her. She doesn't owe it to you to take care of your kid or put up with difficult behavior.

It doesn't sound like a good situation for you, for your son, for her, or for her daughter. Sounds like it's time to go.

Your son is your responsibility. Sounds like you and he both need help. Find out what resources are available and make use of them.

Don't worry about her. She's an adult. Worry about your son.
 jezebellpgh
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 41
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/10/2010 7:08:45 PM
When does a 5 yr old always act appropriately? What kid doesn't whine and carry on when it doesn't get what it wants? I work a 2nd job at Wallyworld part time as a Cashier. Kids come in their daily screaming and acting up, it's called being a kid. If it's your own offspring you don't notice it much if at all. There are so many hissy fits from kids in the store that I drowned it out after 4 years. If I can do this for 20-24 hours a week your girlfriend should be able to put up with it.
 ThinkPink
Joined: 11/7/2008
Msg: 42
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/10/2010 7:34:33 PM
Had I acted up in the store my Momma woulda busted my ass! ... And to follow suit, my 2 knew better too. Not caring about behavior ( or ignoring the problem) because some people can't or won't discipline their kids only perpetuates the matter. Some kids are 'easy', others are not. Step up your (#%€£!) game and be the parent *your* kid needs.
 marybooksandmusic
Joined: 5/30/2010
Msg: 43
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/10/2010 8:26:42 PM
I think the most important question is, "how do I help my son?", not "should I live with this woman?"

Maybe your five-year-old is a brat. Maybe he has some special needs that require medical attention.

Or maybe he's a perfectly fine little boy who misses his old bedroom in his old home/friends/mother and doesn't know why he's been moved into this strange woman's house where they order him around and yet he'd never heard of this woman and her daughter a year ago. Maybe he doesn't feel loved, safe, wanted at all.

Maybe he feels like he's in the way and doesn't belong and that people just wished he would go away. I hope he can't hear your girlfriend telling you she doesn't want him.

If you are gone a lot, and he's being raised by a woman who is aggravated by him, and he is lonely, scared, and feeling unloved, just exactly how do you suggest a five-year-old cry out for some help? Acting bratty and causing a fuss are just about his only communication tools at his young age.

I just don't think you should automatically assume that the answer is to get stricter. Structure is good, but there has to be caring that the child can feel also. If you truly can't spend enough time with your son, and your mother is a good mother willing to raise another child, I think you should see if she'll take in your son so he can have a stable home with someone who loves him.

My bottom line: do what you know is best for your son, not what makes you look good, not what helps out your girlfriend.
 Island home
Joined: 7/5/2009
Msg: 44
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/10/2010 8:50:54 PM
This suggestion just makes someone else a little richer. "Parenting" is not a course or subject that can be "taught". It's there or it isn't. Kinda like teaching "leadership" course to adults,,,,or how about those "life" coaches??????
Some people should NEVER have children and they only have to look back at their younger years to figure out which ones. If people don't understand the "value" of a child when they are given the gift,,,,they will never get it,,,no matter how many times ya tell em.

Sounds like the perfect excuse to not learn another thing about raising a child or taking control of your life.

Put aside that excuse and the possibilities can turn into realities
 smalltowngirl0
Joined: 6/13/2008
Msg: 45
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/11/2010 5:16:28 AM
CHIL is one smart lady.
you should should print out her suggestions, and actually DO some out of each paragraph each day.
when he is grown, do it still. he will still need da in his life.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 46
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Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/11/2010 9:16:16 AM
Thank you grizzelda : This is my point of view > Dad (OP) is a single parent who is working to earn a living, that he can not take care of his son, at the same time... I think it was a good move for him to find a woman who needs a man to support her and her daughter and become a happy family. We have to think that there is no free ride and free dinner ,that she have to do her part of the bargain... Be a mother to his child and a good woman for the man who brings the bacon.. We Asian believes that most men are good financial supporter but not good on mothering children. That is my defense for him.

5 months is a long time to guide a 5 years old boy to be comfortable and contented in his surrounding and with people around him. I know it is a challenge to deal with a difficult child for others . But you can not threaten a wo/man >>"your child/ren or me"???

I work as a volunteer aid in Elementary school, for 3 weeks now and there is a girl in first grade , she is a problem child that teachers, pupils/and others are not happy with her... I learned from her that her mom doesn't stay with her and her full time working dad, she was left to a babysitter. I tried to get her confidence, well, I made a little progress and I hope on the long run I can make a big difference on her attitude.
The moral of my story is if an adult can train a vicious beast what more of a precious child . Just my 2 cents.
 Blue-Eyes-Shine
Joined: 11/26/2008
Msg: 47
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Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/11/2010 9:45:57 AM
Did you miss where her "kinda job" is starting her own retail store. I imagine she is putting in many hours to get this store going. She isn't just sitting at home waiting for him to bring the "bacon".

He has been given a lot of good advice. At the end of the day the boy is his and his responsibility, he may need to change jobs to be there for his child at this important time of a child's development.
 clockwork lime
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 48
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/11/2010 11:39:45 AM
This situation sounds messy, and it's pretty much the reason why I never considered dating single moms.

Ultimately the parent ofthe child is responsible for the child, and nothing should take priority over the child. He's only 5, and this is a crucial time in his life when he's becoming cognizant of what should pass for normal behaviour.

Girlfriends may come and go, and one way or another they will get by with or without you. The same can't be said for your son.
 Proventus
Joined: 11/7/2010
Msg: 49
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/11/2010 2:59:34 PM
Just leave already and foget about it or you'll end up paying alimony and child support for hers.
 Hands of gold
Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 50
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Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/11/2010 8:12:02 PM
I am sure you have been given much advice, but I offer mine as well. It is not unusual for a 5 year old boy to not be ready for school yet. Most aren't at that age. Just make sure you read to him often and keep him away from video games for as long as you can.

Be sure to exercise him often. Take him to the park or playground and make him run. Throw footballs, kick soccer balls, whatever gets him to burn some energy. You will find that he will be much less bratty once he is a little worn down. Bring that 14 year old along to get her some exercise too.
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