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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore      Home login  
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 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 53
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymorePage 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
OP, you need to be the one to show stability, routine and boundaries to your child. That is every parents job. You cannot expect anyone else to do it for you.

If you need to take a hiatus from work to get this done, then do it now. If you wait until he is older before finally trying to do this, it will be too late and you will regret it.

The boy is acting out for a reason. Brats arent brats overnight....he has needs that are not being met. Your job is to meet them.

Once he is on solid ground and feels secure with your relationship with him, then you can try dating and introducing new friends...but until you have done the hard work of defining boundaries consistantly, you should not be dating. This job takes too much time to be dating. For every hour you spend with the ladies is an hour of guidnace and love taken away from your son who it TELLING you with his actions that he is not all right.

Put your nose to the grindstone for a couple of years, make your son the priority, read and implement strategies that work....and when you come up for air so to speak, and he is on the right path, you will enjoy dating that much more, as you wont be worried about the 'clash' that WILL keep happening if you dont stop the cycle right this minute.

You are the only one who can change the outcome-right now. Every choice you make daily (IE, leaving for road trips, leaving him with others regularly) sends a message to the child...that he doesnt matter. People who feel they dont matter, act out to get attention....kids will make it so they matter one way or another, it is thier instinct to make sure they are not forgotten. Survival depends on it.

Move out of the g/f's home. Tell her maybe in a year or two you will be ready for more with her...and get yourself into a situation where you are the hands on adult, and do your job. Play the hand dealt to the best. All your choice.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 54
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/14/2010 5:38:11 AM
OP- kids are kids, right? you'll never completely """"CURE"""" you're children being children...

If you are a good father, who does what he has to do to take care of his children...and you're not letting the children lead you....

then most likely she's not that into you....
 marybooksandmusic
Joined: 5/30/2010
Msg: 55
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/14/2010 7:32:11 AM
Son House, I agree with your basic concept, but think you spike off into a few extremes. Here's my opinion: Yes, a parent has the right to find love at any age. A human being of any age deserves the right to love, though that love takes different forms at different ages. Children need that love from their parents, and if they only have one parent in the picture, as sounds like OP's case, then that parent needs even more dedication to their child.

The problem here is that children show they aren't feeling loved by acting out. That's a clear sign to dad that his son is missing something important. And that's where CootieQueen and Iconoclast are trying to point out something I strongly agree with: Dad's Number One responsibility is to his son. Only after his son's need for love is met should he spend time on his romantic pursuits. This is because, as an adult, he is able to delay his own need fulfilment. That's what being a mature adult is.


Should parents also quit their jobs until their kids are 18 so that they can dedicate every second of their day to them?


Please remember that there IS a career in which a parent does just that, and although it seems very few families these days have a stay-at-home parent anymore, it doesn't mean it isn't a good thing. So far in my life I've seen our nation shift from most moms staying home with their children, to some moms working because the economy went bad and dad couldn't make enough money, to more moms working because of divorce and the need to become the breadwinner, to lots of moms working because of the satisfaction of it, to the majority of moms working now for all sorts of reasons, including but NOT limited to the fact that in many respects, working is easier than raising children. This shift in consciousness is good for our nation in many ways, but let's not take it so far that quitting your job and staying home to focus 100% on your children becomes something to look down on a person for. Raising your own child IS a valid career choice.

Thanks for 'listening' to a somewhat different opinion.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 56
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/14/2010 7:52:40 AM
^^^Agreed. Once you have a child, it's not about you anymore. Especially when you are the custodial parent. Sure, once your child is happy healthy and your relationship between you and your child or children is florishing and you actually meet someone you want to date - doing so when you have time to isn't a bad thing, but it isn't a right. This guy has no free time to SEEK dates. He's not spending a lot of time with his son as it is.

And furthermore, unless/until you're talking marriage and moving in together and a lot of time has passed - a single parent should separate romantic relationships from their kids. Kids have enough confusion going on in their lives without having to deal with people they didn't sign up for intruding on their immediate family dynamic.

As one of those kids - I never cared that my mom dated, only that I had to meet and hang around people she dated. I had no interest in it, and I think it was wrong that I was exposed to it. It simply had nothing to do with myself or my sister.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 57
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/14/2010 9:06:33 AM
I agree with Son House on this one. Yes, children should come first, and once individuals become parents their lives are no longer about them because they now have this major priority. However, they do have the right to find love again.

If there are people in this thread expecting parents to forget about finding love because children are now in the picture, well, I think that's absurd. Then again, I'm sure there are parents that put love aside for a while to focus on being a parent. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 58
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/14/2010 9:32:18 AM
^^^Let me be clear - I don't think children should come before everything else under the sun, nor did I say that. However when you have free time from work, I don't think it should be a question that you spend that free time with your children rather than planning/seeking a date, sorry. I believe that your kids should be more of a priority than your companionship and your (let's face it) sex drive.

I don't think any of us, parents or not have the "right" to find love. I think it's great when we do, but we're not entitled to a partner in life. That's the mentality these days though. What we are entitled to as humans is food, water, shelter, education, air - the basics. (Romantic) love is nice, but it's neither an entitlement or a right. It's a luxury. While being open to it is a good thing - seeking it in place of quality time with your kids is a poor use of time.

In a case where someone moves a young child who's already acting out based on his circumstances into a place that's not best for him because it's convenient for the parent - I believe the priorities are out of whack. I don't believe the child should deal with the girlfriend nor should the girlfriend be stuck with the child because it suits his dad, especially if it's obvious neither is happy with it. Sorry.

When I was in my early teens, she met the man that she would go on to marry. I'll admit I was a bit jealous at first of their relationship, but as I began to see how much happier and more complete she felt by having somebody she could trust in her life, it made all of us share in her joy.

P.S. This pretty much agrees with what I already said. If (or once, rather) two people are in a relationship they know will become serious and lead to marriage or a long term situation, then eventually the children should meet the SO. It's not something the child needs to be around previous to that, honestly. It's an unstable activity to parade casual dates through the house.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 59
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/14/2010 9:59:43 AM

A parent of a child ANY age has a right to find love. That doesn't change the fact that they have a responsibility to their child, but that also doesn't condemn them to a life dedicated only to being a parent and nothing else.

Nobody SAID that an unpartnered parent of a child must remain single and do nothing but focus on the child(ren)-but when the kid(s) are having significant troubles of one kind or another,then their kid(s) must become priority #1.
In this situation, for all any of us know, this "relationship"(aka 'live-in babysitter') is a PART OF THE PROBLEM.

Should parents also quit their jobs until their kids are 18 so that they can dedicate every second of their day to them?

No one is more aware of the absolutely vital importance of making a living than I-but in this case I'm wondering if a modification or change,at least until the OP can get things working better on the home front. MOTHERS do this all the time-changing careers, changing work locations and hours,even going on government assistance if there is no other option but being the child's primary caregiver. Why should it be any different for a single father if he is the only parent in a child's life?
Basically it sounds like what's going on here is a symbiosis that is not all that healthy...what the OP has is a stressed out "nanny with benefits" who has a child of her own and is trying to get a business off the ground-but apparently is forced by circumstances to depend on the OP for financial support-but they are living in HER house. It's my thinking that BOTH of these parents might get further in terms of "a hand up" if they are not living together.
Again, no one is saying that a single parent must deny themselves a social life and/or a loving pair-bond relationship, but when there is trouble then the parent role has to be the number one priority.
People make decisions ALL THE TIME to put dating and relationships aside for a time to deal with other issues- i.e. relocation, seeking, changing, or a new employment situation, medical/health issues(recovery,getting fitness back), to recover from a failed relationship, because a family member-or a child- needs their (mostly) undivided attention for a time...
No,I think the predominant trend of the advice here-to focus on the child because apparently his Dad is all this little boy has!-is spot on.
Cindy O
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 60
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/14/2010 10:00:03 AM
After reading more of this thread, it makes me glad I don't have children.


However when you have free time from work, I don't think it should be a question that you spend that free time with your children rather than planning/seeking a date, sorry.

I'm not a parent, but when it comes down to spending free time with children, and dates, I believe both can be evened out. It all depends.

In OP case, his son is apparently troubled and has issues that could stand to be resolved. In that case, he should definitely put the focus on his son and put dating aside for a while.

I believe a good parent has that right to get back into the dating world, and find love again. To those that disagree, to each its own.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 61
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/14/2010 9:33:15 PM
I find it very amusing how some of the folks on here who have no children propose to speak for other posters on here who have children and who are trying to date.

Kudos to you folks.

Bravo!

Seriously ... keep up the good valiant work.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 62
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/15/2010 8:14:40 AM
Saint, it's a question of PRIORITIES-not just all about" people who have children and are trying to date". There are threads here in the forums where posters whale on other posters for trying to date when they are unemployed/under-employed, when they are dealing with medical/health/functionality issues,etc-even ones that go after people who date without getting a sitter for PETS,fer pete's sake!
In this situation, as I understand it, the OP has placed his son in the home of a "nanny with benefits"-who is trying to get her OWN financial feet under herself. Apparently there is a great deal of dissension between the OP's son and his gf/nanny's teenage daughter. Apparently he is paying the bills even though it is the gf/nanny's home,because there is a cash flow issue related to the gf/nanny's start-up business. What it sounds like is a " I've got problems, you've got problems but if we get together maybe we'll get through it somehow". That's all admirable and even a workable strategy when the 2 people actually LOVE each other and that is the foundation of the bond. In this particular situation,as outlined in the OT, it certainly sounds like this relationship came into existence not because of love, but because it seemed like a solution to problems-a 'relationship of convenience',so to speak. Trust me, I GET how easy it is to sell oneself into one of these deals when it feels like your ass is in a sling! But all too often these crash and burn with enough collateral damage that one questions "what the hell was I THINKING!"
Even kids that are blood siblings and have been together all their lives can be in conflict and have frequent fights. Some of this is not abnormal, but if it gets out of hand, the stress can have a negative impact on everyone involved.

My thinking is that the OP should get his own place and then hire a nanny if there is no way he can amend his work schedule. This should NOT be a close relative or a girlfriend-in fact it doesn't necessarily HAVE to be a young woman or even a woman at all just a reasonably qualified person of good character who loves children,and gets PAID for their services. However, I do agree that perhaps the OP's son needs to be evaluated, if he has ADD/ADHD, an autism-spectrum disorder,or some other significant issue, the caregiver needs to know this and everybody needs to get on the same page as much as possible.
The problem with the OP moving in on his mother or sister, is that there may well be significant conflict over the child...and the OP might find himself unable to date because HIS mom won't let him-if SHE believes that her son's social life is detrimental to her grandsons' well-being.
I still wonder about the boy's mother-if she is deceased or totally abandoned the OP and the child, the boy could be experiencing some significant emotional issues.
Yes, I GET that the OP needs to earn a living. I also get that he's entitled to a social life and the pursuit of romantic happiness but since he's already fathered a child and has sole responsibility for that child, the kid's well-being HAS TO COME FIRST.
Some people who don't have children made that choice because they were very cognizant of the fact that children are a HUGE responsibility...one can't just stick them someplace, or foist them off on someone else, when they have other things they'd rather be doing. When you bring a child into the world, it AIN'T ABOUT YOU anymore.
Cindy O
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 63
Girlfriend says she can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/16/2010 11:47:26 AM
I take it you're a widower, or his mother is incompetent in some very severe way?

Because if his mother's alive and able to care for him, maybe he should be with her. This is a really unstable situation and overall lifestyle, with you going away all the time. An older kid maybe could handle it, but at 5, all he knows is his world gets turned upside down every few days (or however often it is), and he gets left with two people he didn't choose, barely knew when he started staying with them, and quite possibly doesn't like. Sounds scary to the point of nightmarish, to me. The one constant in his life - you - isn't constant at all. I'd be terrified, in his place! There's no security.

Assuming his mother either is not alive or is unable to care for him, if you're able to support an entire household, I would guess that after you move out (I agree that you should), you could probably afford a trained professional in child behavior to look after your son while you're gone. This might be a better option than family, who have their own lives and responsibilities after all.

There are several nanny services in your area which offer many people with specialized training - and it's really true that the majority who go into the field do it because they genuinely love children and want to take care of them and help them. Sure, they get paid, too, but relatively, it isn't all that much, and a person's gotta eat after all. My point is, they'd be able to give him more individualized attention than anyone who's taking him on purely out of a sense of obligation to you. It isn't as expensive as you might imagine, either.

Might be worth considering.
 jezebellpgh
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 64
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/16/2010 2:49:43 PM
Son:

A 5 yr old will never act like its a 16 yr old. You are living in a fantasy world. I didn't breed and don't believe other people's children are not acting age appropriate. A 5 yr old doesn't have the mental capacity to act any better than it does. It's a very dumb human until it gradually over time ages and comprehends a more higher level of thought process.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 65
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/16/2010 3:11:45 PM
concentrate on raising your child and tell the GF to bug off. She told you leave, leave. Don't go kissing her ass wanting her back. Raise your child first and be there for him. When he's all grown up then think about dating or a relationship with someone else. but till then Handle your child.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 66
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/16/2010 10:03:51 PM
Heya, truck$4usa? Care to give us an update? I'm worried about your son and would really appreciate knowing what's happening.
 BentonHarbor
Joined: 3/2/2010
Msg: 67
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/18/2010 5:29:13 AM

Common courtesy and compassion are dissappearing. I was taught if you don't have anything nice to say, can't improve someones outlook, add some kind of value, or can't offer them a sensible solution, keep your mouth shut.


No they’re really not disappearing although reading too much in these forums might give someone that impression. Fact is many many people come here to dump insane and foolish “problems” that just a modicum of common sense could/would fix. Yes this OP has been a bit lambasted but honestly its from those who are here most frequently and have seen these same sort of threads exhibit over and over how an OP just won’t accept any good sound advice offered. Sad to say but it’s not courtesy and compassion disappearing---its patience for that which has become stock in trade for much of what’s posted these days. Keep the mouth shut? Why---because those who disagree aren't allow to express that? Get real!!


Poor coomunication ruins relationships, and I am never surprised to see terminally dating challenged people repeat over and over the same bad communication habits. If you can post so meanly and cavileierly here, what do do at home?


If “they” weren’t dating challenged would they be so present on these forums? No—probably not! However some people fast forward through all the flowery language thinking getting to the point is more helpful. Yes it might come across as mean spirited but if we’re concentrating on HOW things are expressed rather than the content we’re missing more than we should. Not everyone who short cuts to a reply intends to bash or be mean. It seems just as easy to assume or claim dissenting remarks speak of someone’s dating situation---I sincerely doubt that if my own real life status or ‘success’ is any indication.

OP may have bolted from this thread because it didn’t go his way but that doesn’t erase the thread---there will be contributions here as long as POF allows this to continue. Honestly if someone has a kid that turns out to be in conflict with a 4-5 month relationship priorities need to be considered and heeded when necessary. OP didn’t seem to be doing that at first which brought out the bashers and parenting advice. Most were probably confused why a parent couldn’t/wouldn’t set their priorities for the child, be less concerned for an iffy relationship. Look at those profiles----you’ll tend to see other parents therefore somewhat understandable all that “bashing”

In general anyone taking these forums so seriously might want to reconsider why that is---could be the “terminally dating challenged” are the only ones with issues surrounding their participation here huh??
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 68
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/18/2010 10:01:29 AM
I too felt that "that's why I don't date single parents" was a pointless commentary in this particular topic. But calling people on it, we would just be pulling the thread further off topic.

My thinking was along the lines of the OP forming and maintaining this relationship more as a matter of expediency,providing a roof over the head and adult supervision for his 5 yr old son, so that he didn't have to make some sort of drastic change to his occupation. This is UNDERSTANDABLE...but as the OP is finding out, it won't work well as a solution of any longevity. Some here have offered suggestions for different approaches to the problem.
Here's MY "worst case scenario fear";
That some time when the OP is like 1000 miles away the gf will get thoroughly fed up, and dump the OP's son into the Child Protective system. Another concern I have is that the little boy will be abused by the gf-why the hell do you suppose that they have "child abuse hotlines" where a parent" at the end of their rope" can call? Many of the posters who were harsh to the OP may well have done so out of a concern for the safety of the little boy-perhaps they OVER reacted, but at least they CARE.
Cindy O
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 69
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/18/2010 10:11:07 AM
^^^I too, agree that people that are cutting to the chase and seem to be mean spirited are just reacting to a situation where they feel a child may be at risk, especially when it seems to have been made clear that the gf isn't happy with it. I don't think they mean to insult the OP for the sake of it.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 70
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/19/2010 11:11:45 PM
::Sigh::
Those hit and run posters. It would have been cool to get an update on the situation.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 71
Girlfriend says she is can't take my kid anymore
Posted: 11/20/2010 1:13:22 AM
The OP's account is still open... sir, I wish you would please reply, if you are reading.

Many respondents are at least as concerned about your child as we are about you.

It would be much appreciated if you would give us an update on how things are going.
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