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 Debra8512
Joined: 8/31/2009
Msg: 51
Shy Black men doomed to forced celibacyPage 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Amboyance has some good points about Black women. Clearly the OP is frustrated by his inability to attract the right kind of white women only. I would guarantee that there are thousands of single, well educated Black women in his city who he probably would never even glance at.
 AintNoDeal
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 52
Shy Black men doomed to forced celibacy
Posted: 11/12/2010 9:18:25 PM
"Do you think that because they feel they have made it to a certain level that they are setting their sites even higher? Maybe they feel they are so exceptional that in fact - they believe they are in demand by the "best" or at least the perception of who they think is the best?

I had a gf like that for a short while. Yeah, a SHORT while -- so what? We weren't a good match. She definitely had a very detailed plan for her ascent through class and financial strata, and was on the hunt for men that would take her there.

However...she didn't just ignore a brother because he didn't have "all that" the first time she met him. She gave a brother a chance (if only a few months), then moved on with her master plan.

It wasn't bad, but the bottom line is that we were not a match - we had different goals. I coulda' rode it out longer, but she had a definite timetable in her head and kept on rollin'.

I chalked it up to 'experience' and moved on. Better to date them and KNOW rather than simply have assumptions based on urban legends. She sure didn't force any kind of celibacy on me!
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 53
Shy Black men doomed to forced celibacy
Posted: 11/15/2010 3:59:34 PM
op,
you can also date offline as well. Try signing up for a cooking class or an activity that interests you. Online dating can suck at times but don't always be dependent on these dating sites.
 grandwiz34
Joined: 11/11/2010
Msg: 54
Shy Black men doomed to forced celibacy
Posted: 11/20/2010 4:38:08 AM
To "sweetlikesugarcane,"

-say you are non-religious but asking for a woman that is "spiritually fit" Outside of the realm of theology, and apparently your realm, spirituality, and religiousness are mutually exclusive.
-Some college at age 32? What are you trying to say here? Formal education doesn't dictate success, knowledge, intelligence, or even level of education. I'm going to have to agree with the OP. Are you sure you have a PhD? I have one too- my HP, All-in-one laser jet is spitting it out right now.


Wow, I'm not glad I found this thread at all. Most of the people who responded to the OP, before the thread got off track are completely off base. You've completely took what he was trying to say, and spun it into something that could be easily attacked. Clearly he's been doing this for a while, and what he's done hasn't worked out for him. The fact is, for some people, no matter what they do, Internet dating just isn't for them. As a shy Black male who doesn't exhibit the stereotypical characteristics of a sexually aggressive Black male, it's especially hard. He was not complaining about being Black, being a nice guy, or having bad luck with women- as so many of you accused him of. He was just stating his experience with Online dating, and how he came to it- nothing more.

OP- I can tell that you're an educated individual. You seem like you know what you want in a women. Unfortunately, the cards will be stacked against you online-especially on POF. You say you want an intelligent, attractive, physically fit, emotionally stable, non-ghetto woman. There are a lot of women out there like that- far less online, and even less that are going to be interested in you. That's just the way it is- especially living in suburban Minnesota. For you, being online makes you a target for women that are pretty much the polar opposite of what you're looking for. Maybe if you made 100k plus a year, or had a rock hard physique,(yours looks a little soft,) you might have a chance. As it stands, you're SOL. The type of women you're interested in is almost unrealistically picky online. She gets thousands of messages per week-, and you're at the bottom of the pecking order

Hey man, you're profile is great, despite what others had said. The best advice I have for you is this- Get off the Internet. You're just shooting yourself in the foot. Get that confidence! I assure you, you can have any woman your heart or penis desires; if you APPROACH them right.
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 55
Shy Black men doomed to forced celibacy
Posted: 11/20/2010 7:29:11 AM

My confidence gets a "needs improvement," rating, that's why I got online in the first place. Truth be told, I went online to try to circumvent the prerequisite of developing confidence in order to be successful in dating.


That lack of confidence comes out in messages on dating sites, I find. I like someone who can be both bold and respectful in his approach, with some humor and banter thrown in. That's what captures my attention.

For what it's worth, I'm happy to date black men; I target neither towards nor away from them. I'm sure there are others like me. But I'll also note that I get turned off by "Do you date black men?" messages that seem to assume that's the only relevant point.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 56
Shy Black men doomed to forced celibacy
Posted: 11/21/2010 9:22:09 AM

Race is a deal-breaker/red-flag for many women of all races and ethnicities. Black men learn that pretty early on, and I suppose some of us want to cut to the chase and avoid wasting our time, especially with those kind of odds stacked against


Don't you think there are better ways of finding out the answer you seek without actually asking it directly?

I mean- if you ask her out, and she says yes- they ya- she IS open to dating black men.

if you get her phone number and are talking to her (before a date)- it would be reasonable to assume that she'd be open to dating black men.

if you do NOT put all your eggs in one basket each time- then you aren't really wasting your time on one girl at a time are you?
 17outdoors
Joined: 11/13/2010
Msg: 57
Shy Black men doomed to forced celibacy
Posted: 11/21/2010 10:10:22 AM
There are dating websites where a person can list the types of people that they would date on a chart. Race, height, body type, age, distance, smoking and drinking habits, having and wanting kids or not, education level etc. Perhaps POF could add that. Therefore a person would not waste their time contacting someone that wouldn't date them. Provided that they actually read the chart. LOL.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 58
Shy Black men doomed to forced celibacy
Posted: 11/21/2010 10:51:37 AM

Well, that's not entirely true. A woman can be open to dating "black men", and not be open to dating ME in particular.


of course...lol....so would you be offended if she did not want to go out with you and then you saw her in town with another black man?

it really doesn't matter really.

either someone is interested in ya or they ain't.
 Ghost23232
Joined: 2/4/2010
Msg: 59
Shy Black men doomed to forced celibacy
Posted: 11/21/2010 1:54:01 PM
OP,

I just want to say that you seem like a pretty sincere, and honest guy, who is just looking for the right woman for him. You know what you want, and even though you might have what some consider to be "high-standards", you are on the right track.

In my experience, a lot of the women I come across are extremely indecisive and have no idea what they want in life (surprise surprise). Also, most of them are extremely shallow and keep leaving men for the next "better thing". This has been going on for thousands of years, it's just simply how human nature works. So here is my advice for you, and I have found that it works!

Just... stop caring. That's it. Stop thinking about finding that perfect woman, that fantasy, just focus on YOU, focus on living in the moment, and just release this burden of yours. I've learned this recently, and let me tell you, I've never been so relaxed and happy in my entire life. Don't act like you HAVE to have a woman, but be open to the possibility in case the right one does come along. In the end, we're all going to be dead anyways, so I think what's more important is being happy and treating your fellow man/woman with respect, and just doing your best to survive. I think our society has become a little too obsessed with relationships and sex. Maybe we should all take a step back and look at the bigger picture for once.

Also, I've noticed that when you stop caring about finding the perfect woman, women in general, seem to be more attracted to you because you're sending out a different kind of vibe. Anyways, good luck! and ignore the useless flame posts! =)
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 60
Shy Black men doomed to forced celibacy
Posted: 11/21/2010 9:36:19 PM
Honestly, you bring up some good points on how it's an uphill battle for a Black guy. But if you've got a decent job, intelligent, in good shape, and like you, are a good looking guy -- sorry, that's not excuse to say one is to be forced to celibacy. Maybe you're in the same boat as a guy who's 5'7" and not 5'10". You can say if you were the "white version" of yourself, yes, your stock price would rise in the white gals' eyes when it comes to relationship, most definitely. If you were the "Asian version" -- it'd be worse (maybe more accepting socially for a classic white gal; but sexual desire alone is a 'niche').

You're in sales, as your profile says. Okay. Sales is a #s game. And it depends on the leads you get, too. If you surround yourself in an environment with bad lead list providers, guess what? Things aren't going to go so well...

If you take a nerd who wants to stay a nerd in his demeanor & style, he's going to feel more forced to celibacy if he goes to rockin boom-boom clubs, rather than a hippie or retro bar which would be more his style anyway.

So I'd say change your environment in where you go out to. And check yourself, too. Maybe your attitude is off. Yeah, you'll have to burn through more leads to get an interested party. Fine. Happiness in the world doesn't depend on batting averages (of finding any potentials) when it comes to trying to find a relationship. Always facing right-handed pitchers when others face left-handers periodically? Fine -- just take more at-bats. If the goal is to clearly knock one out of the park, just take more at bats and make the best of the situation.

If you live in more of a small town, that's like having a bad lead list provider (you're 5'6", not 5'10"). Move to the big city, you won't have a problem, and the difference between your "white version" of yourself would be significantly smaller.
 djohn628
Joined: 11/21/2010
Msg: 61
Shy Black men doomed to forced celibacy
Posted: 6/23/2011 11:11:36 PM
honestly it's the same for any race. i live in an area where it's limited selection & the good ladies are all taken or aloof. you need to learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else. besides, if you have to try too hard to impress a girl your going to end up acting out of character & being fake which sucks ass. these points take a long time to fully understand & believe me, I KNOW! I've gone years without a decent woman so when i settle for less than good it doesn't feel like it's worth it. i've finally come to accept that i'm just going to have to enjoy life the best i can without a woman by my side for now. when it happens, it happens. i'm not rushing it & i'm sure as hell not waiting around for it either. in the meantime, just keep kicking ass & taking names. put the self pity aside, it's embarrassing.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 62
Shy Black men doomed to forced celibacy
Posted: 6/24/2011 4:28:58 PM
also, always remember this, because it's very, very important: for every person b1tching about how they don't have a relationship, there are at least 3 more b1tching about the one they've already got.
-----------------------------
Yeah motown cowgirl tell em!
----------------------

OP you whining and ****ing is not going to get you respect from a female, in fact a lot of the are slicing up you manhood right now. Grow some ball man, you're better than that.
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 63
Shy Black men doomed to forced celibacy
Posted: 6/24/2011 9:06:55 PM
good lord..... what is next? campfire girls on crack cant find a decent guy?
 2FunCoco
Joined: 5/26/2011
Msg: 64
Shy Black men doomed to forced celibacy
Posted: 12/5/2012 3:59:43 PM
I feel for you. This all happens. Black women are independent and this just puts them out there further from black successful men. Get social is all I can say. Do things you "normally" would NOT do. Racquetball, softball team, I know, it sucks but women are there and not looking at you while you are out of the social norm.
 L_LuuLuu
Joined: 8/2/2009
Msg: 65
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History
Shy Black men doomed to forced celibacy
Posted: 12/5/2012 5:59:51 PM
Find a white woman who will go out with you. Dress nice to look good on your date.

As soon as you get in public with the white woman, a hundred sisters will immediately be all over you. Take your pick.
 pescando75
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 66
Shy Black men doomed to forced celibacy
Posted: 12/9/2012 10:32:58 AM
Bah! I'm kinda shy and have black women contacting me on here. Educated, respectful women. I'd have gone out with a beautiful black woman recently if I didn't completely fail her in the area of religion with what she was seeking. LOL!

Don't know what to tell ya other than you are drastically over-thinking things and over-generalizing. You've just paralyzed your dating chances with all this superfluous analysis. People seem pretty open to inter-racial dating in MN from what I've experienced. I do see some women that seem to be trying to be something they are not, and agreed, not attractive.
 GeekyCrazyButCool
Joined: 11/21/2012
Msg: 67
Shy Black men doomed to forced celibacy
Posted: 12/11/2012 8:51:44 PM
Make as much money as possible.

Money and Status = Women
 sigungq
Joined: 10/6/2012
Msg: 68
Shy Black men doomed to forced celibacy
Posted: 12/11/2012 9:34:25 PM
OP, this doesn't just go for black men. It's ALL men. If a man is shy, he might as well hang it up, because no woman will ever approach first. Just how it is.
 GeekyCrazyButCool
Joined: 11/21/2012
Msg: 69
Shy Black men doomed to forced celibacy
Posted: 12/12/2012 11:20:20 AM
Solutions:

Accept the situation.

You raise some valid points however I fear that most here cannot possibly understand the "black experience" in north america.

Understand that most who are white/asian have indeed written you off as "ruthless woman beating, no job having, STD spreading, baby making, and ditching, uneducated, prison bound Neanderthal" Because you or any number of kind decent black men will NEVER change those individuals minds.

Just accept this....yes it sucks...but it's reality.

Now that you understand you will never change the world....continue to improve yourself and consider the women you have written of as undesirable....they may have value. At very least they see value in you.

Consider moving away from north america...finding love elsewhere (not Europe/mid-east) but in a black dominant country. In these countries the opposite situation is mostly true. Black people tend to be a lot less racist to their own people. (go figure) Also other races living there spend their lives around black people and usually won't mind relations at all.
 sddude
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 70
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Shy Black men doomed to forced celibacy
Posted: 12/12/2012 2:42:11 PM
I have coworkers that make over 120 k atre in their early 30's never had a GF, they are shy
been beat up and rejected by women so they do not try anymore, since the great deal of women of this world do not
initaite contact (yes I am generalizing , I can be at a bar every day of my life and never get approached, that is the way it is) anyhow. They lost hope and almost do not care , kind of the type of guys that would buy one of those hot sexy real dolls they make in my city mmmmmm....
Some guys are doomed being black is not bad alot of pwomen in dating sites only want black guys but no one wants a short ugly shy guy much less be seen with one, I have alot of female friends I record their conversations in my head.

Overcome your shyness, being black to women is a start to badboyism according to the stereo type, imagine you short asian skinny bald and unatractive generally to woman, being even talked to in flirtation is a fantasy to those coworkers.

They make a big deal if a female official calls them on the phone and even more so if there is an official face to face meeting, some would say gosh I wish I was you that was so cool, she is cute....

Secret life of one of those emotionally forgotten.
 sigungq
Joined: 10/6/2012
Msg: 71
Shy Black men doomed to forced celibacy
Posted: 12/12/2012 6:34:48 PM
sddude YOU NAILED IT!!
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 72
Shy Black men doomed to forced celibacy
Posted: 12/12/2012 6:48:14 PM
I guess we all have our cross to bear..I'm a 45 year old white gal and I'm embarrassed to say how long I've been celibate! And I live in LA where everyone dates everyone else and still it's been impossible to find something real, a real relationship. I can tell you one thing though, online dating is only going to make you feel worse, I'd suggest stopping now! It's nothin' but trouble! Trouble I tell ya!

Anyway, it's not just black guys, or shy black guys..alot of us have this "something" we seem to think is the reason for our trouble..for me, I chalk it up to being middle age and too down to earth for this superficial town..but I could be wrong, who knows. Once I stopped struggling to dissect it and moved ahead to create a happy life for myself I just don't think about it anymore.
 QuietFire92
Joined: 9/1/2013
Msg: 73
Shy Black men doomed to forced celibacy
Posted: 2/2/2014 10:41:48 PM
It's all true, unfortunately. But there are at least some parts of this situation that you can control and change.
 localRenoite12
Joined: 4/17/2013
Msg: 74
Shy Black men doomed to forced celibacy
Posted: 2/2/2014 11:45:04 PM
I'm a social white guy who is in a state of forced celibacy. It doesn't have to do with race, just how well you can approach or swipe a woman off her feet. I guess I'm fine with my life, it would be nice to have a partner in it but women are too picky these days.
 rod1919us
Joined: 11/3/2011
Msg: 75
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Shy Black men doomed to forced celibacy
Posted: 2/15/2014 10:33:26 PM
So basically what the author is depicting is a BETA male?

I'm short, black, in the military and even I get play from women from time to time. I have 3 strikes against me and that hasn't stopped me in the past. Today I live in Celibacy because I CHOOSE TO. I don't approach women nowadays because I don't want to deal with their BS. A lot of women come with a lot of baggage. As my conditioning coach told our football team one time "no matter how good she looks someone is tired of her ish." Besides, with a lot of women comes a lot of problems (ask T.O). I have no wife, no kids, no child support, no alimony, no nothin. It's almost like a badge of honor. My future is bright both in the civilian world and military. I have 100s of things on my mind pertaining to my future and things I want to accomplish in life (graduate school, advancing in the military, buying a couple houses, traveling, etc) And I'm sorry to say but finding a GF/wife isn't one. When it comes to women, I mainly do the hookup thing. Point is, to the author...mess around and get more than you bargain for. Outside of sex, you're not missing much by living in Celibacy. Trust me, there are a lot of guys paying child support wishing they were in your shoes.
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