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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Delusional Expecting to find "Love" at this age?      Home login  
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 treselle
Joined: 6/16/2005
Msg: 76
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Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?Page 4 of 15    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)
You wrote:"I'm looking to "be" loved and "to" love". I am sure that if you met a man who would love you but you did not feel any chemistry between the two of you, you would not love him and may be even would not want him to love you. You want to meet someone who you would be attracted to. You might be seduced by a man, but it does not mean that he loves you or ever will. Many men about your age can not get young girls they would prefer, so they go after mature women just because they:
- do not want to be lonely,
-want a woman for sex,
-want a woman for love,
-need a girlfriend because everyone else has one,
-all above.
You easily can find love. It could be a married man, a guy much much younger than you, someone on POF, but it's not easy to find a man who will love you back at this time of your life.
About that platonic friend you met on POF asking you that question, I bet he wants you to be his whatever, but you turned him into just a friend. So, what's missing in him?
 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 77
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 11/25/2010 7:50:50 PM

You easily can find love. It could be a married man, a guy much much younger than you,......,


That's something that would be totally out of the realm of possibility for me. I would never put myself in the position of contributing to,the break-up of someone else's relationship or heart ache. As for someone much younger....I've finished raising my kids. Niether option is included in my definition of a suitable partner.


About that platonic friend you met on POF asking you that question, I bet he wants you to be his whatever, but you turned him into just a friend. So, what's missing in him?


Perhaps it's that I see too much of my ex in him...someone who couldn't offer me the strength I need in a supportive partner. I spent 30 years giving in to someone else's needs without a shoulder to lean on; it drained me. I want an equal this time around.
He may see me as someone who can meet his needs, but he can't meet mine. I can be a caring friend; there can be more boundaries and limits to that kind of relationship.
 flyingstart
Joined: 5/15/2009
Msg: 78
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Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 11/26/2010 6:52:05 PM
If you put your energy into something and did not work too bad. You took a wrong decision. Now are you expecting somebody to fix it for you ? Like someone has to come up and suck up your bad stuff and make you happy ? Someone to come up and start dancing for you ? That is gone.
 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 79
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 11/27/2010 7:28:34 AM
You took a wrong decision. Now are you expecting somebody to fix it for you ? Like someone has to come up and suck up your bad stuff and make you happy ? Someone to come up and start dancing for you ? That is gone.


^^^^Proof that reading and comprehending are two different things ( regardless of education level:)!

Where from any of my posts did you conclude that I was looking for someone to "suck up my bad stuff" and make me happy? I simply said that that had been my role for 30 years and I didn't want to make the mistake of continuing in those dynamics in a new relationship. ( I don't repeat my mistakes!) I want someone who can give and take; someone who is an equal.

Why is that such a problem for some people? Asking for a balanced relationship would seem to be the most normal and functional thing a person could ask for or aspire to at any age!
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 80
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Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 11/27/2010 1:48:57 PM

Why is that such a problem for some people?


Its a problem because of experience. If you spend 30 years in a relationship that was one sided in some way, you have entrenched all kinds of habit, expectations, assumptions, reactions, recipes and behaviours. It will take many years to replace those things with new ways of living and interacting, and then only if something motivates you to do so. Generally, you can figure on at least 1/4 of the length of your previous LTR before you completely replace and behaviour patterns you had gotten used to, so 7 1/2 years before you become completely you again, assuming you stay single and get out there and explore who you really are. Even then, unless the exploration involves a few SOs, you stand a good chance or a relapse when you do connect, and the person you connect with will likely be somewhat like the original LTR partner.

Its even worse if the previous LTR was happy, satisfying, supportive and filled with mutual love. Then you are looking for the same thing again, not even trying to be you and find something different. Its really catch 22......

History repeats itself, no only when you flunk it......as they say.......

BTW: I do agree that many people here who read forum posts don't appear to be able to actually understand them. Many read only what they believe themselves to be true and happily impose their mind set on yours...
 StevieCashmere
Joined: 4/22/2009
Msg: 81
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Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 11/27/2010 2:58:28 PM
Never expect to find Love at Angy age
It isn't a commodity just sitting their & waiting for you
~Stevie
 safn1949
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 82
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Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/3/2010 4:53:34 PM
The young lady I am talking to on here is also looking for just that,she has never meet someone and went "wow".I have 3 or 4 times and it's a great feeling even if it doesn't work out.
Love can be found at any age,my father was proof of that as he married the love of his life at 72,she was 70.I had never seen him so happy with anyone and he was married to my mom till the day she died,he loved my mom and took care of her until that day.Over 40 years.

But not like that,he was like a little kid with his second wife and she adored him.It was a lot of fun to see.
 starlight334
Joined: 6/18/2010
Msg: 83
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Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/3/2010 7:00:05 PM
Yes but what you say is the exception not the rule. Life is not made by exceptions.
If you get lucky to have a women not to ask you marry her, that's perfect...that's the first sign that you matter as well.
 hemanmachostudlovegod
Joined: 11/28/2010
Msg: 84
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/3/2010 11:40:53 PM
Using a trick of perspective and some information about emotions, of which love is one, it is possible to gain an insight about falling in and being in love, at any age, that could be useful unlocking the puzzle confounding your dating life. One way to understand what love is and how it happens is the idea of emotion originating in the mind. This idea describes an emotional state as the result of thoughts. Briefly: As you think, so shall you feel. With this in mind you can see how love depends on what ideas you have at the time about the person of interest. The significance of this becomes apparent when comparing to other theories about the nature of love. The romantic notion of love being an external force and the syrupy notion of love arising from magic leave one hapless or enslaved. It is when love is known to come from your own mind that you can properly recognize its potential, its beginning, its onset and all with a choice in the matter; to cultivate the possibility into a full blown campaign of affection or to squelch it hastily out of some prudent sense of caution. Rather than approaching each next man as someone to be with when Cupid strikes, or not, you can assume responsibility for your authorship of your emotions and approach him instead as someone toward whom you choose to allow love to become engendered. He'll be wanting it from you, as you will be wanting to give it to him. Then the job for your mindful consciousness is to decide about the wisdom of making that love ti order in his particular case.

On second thought, it sounds like work.

I suggest flipping a coin and in the event you come up tails, resign yourself to the hand of fate destiny dealt and, conversely, if it's head then give him some whether or not long term potential exists, just because, after all, he did pay for dinner.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 85
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/5/2010 2:18:18 PM

In my humble opinion, on-line dating is a poor environment compared to meeting someone through friends/family/social organizations. Like a bar, it’s an unnatural environment where people are cloaked in their armor, only superficial traits show through, not good for meeting someone with long term possibilities.

What you're overlooking is the simple reality: the people online are the exact same people you'll meet in the off-line world.

In the non-virtual social world one has “certified” references, with the opportunity to observe another in natural settings over a period of time. In the virtual world one has a handful of photos (hopefully recent) and a few lines of verbiage.

If you are meet-n-greeting this is likely true. If you are, however, investing time/effort/energy in email, phone/texts, it's very likely you'll know a great deal about someone prior to the actually first date/meeting. If you meet someone through family/friends/etc., you'll know a LOT less about them then you'll know if you talk/listen to that person for yourself, versus what someone else tells you that person is about. Online is simply an OPTION for making a connection of some sort ~ after that? It's just like dating in the off-line world. Why is that? Because it becomes dating in the off-line world the moment you meet in person.

JMO
 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 86
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/5/2010 2:26:48 PM
Here is the problem as I see it.. My mother happened to clue me into this when she was my age. When I asked her about a particular man that seemed to like her, she would reply oh no he is tooo old for me.. After she said this about a few men I asked her about I wondered what was she talking about??? They were he age or a few years older????

Now I understand what she was talking about.. What she was talking about had little to do with age but everything to do with attraction..

To be honest dating quite a few from here in the past year and can say only felt attracted to one.. Still friends with him a year later and am sure he is still dating although I do not ask..

nativerock
 *Just Jim*
Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 87
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/5/2010 3:49:45 PM

Online is simply an OPTION for making a connection of some sort ~ after that? It's just like dating in the off-line world. Why is that? Because it becomes dating in the off-line world the moment you meet in person.


You make a great point vg as in what one does & the amount of the initiate commitment there is first,in knowing more about the other person. To just jump into it in a flash is folly & negative results will follow as we all have heard about internet dating.
And imo,myself includes at first, is just because we have all this first hand information here about the other person makes it easier to think it might be a good match. Wrong!
Yes,I think it is delusional to think you found a perfect match here or other wise unless you first meet & see which way it goes from there.
& when you find a common ground with another,then it is not delusional at all.
 4ums
Joined: 6/7/2010
Msg: 88
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/5/2010 3:52:29 PM
Men I met irl I got to know pretty much the same way as I have on line. Talking to them on the phone before we would go out. Now days we have emails and texting adding in.

There are never guarantees when you go out with anyone. No matter how much a friend may think they know about someone else, they aren't in a relationship with that person. You don't know someone until you are actually dating them.

Men and women in nursing homes get married. I think that pretty much says you can fall in love at any age, it is just a matter of meeting the right person...ok, you can fall in love with wrong person
 kari135
Joined: 9/1/2009
Msg: 89
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Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/5/2010 3:57:40 PM

While on-line dating is a viable alternative, there is much deception and role playing compared to the real world. Recent edition of Scientific American Mind quotes three independent, large scale studies indicating ~90% of those on-line practice deception. May be simply shaving a few years off their age or hiding illegal scams. The studies also indicate ~17% of on-line users are happy with the experience.

Less you believe I'm anti-on-line, two close friends met their mates on-line (at other sites) and I believe are happy married. I'm simply stating my belief that the odds of meeting someone special for a long term relationship on-line are lower than real world meetings.

It depends on where you live, too. I'd say my chances of meeting someone online are considerably less than .5%. However, if I go out into the 'real world' here, my chances of meeting anyone at all are a total zero.

So I mess around on the forums, look at the occasional profile, and that's all.
 Pilose_Wink
Joined: 11/2/2010
Msg: 90
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/7/2010 3:10:14 PM

The distinction is moving from: "We connect, so we're a couple" to "We connect, so we'll enjoy this and see where it grows". In other words, my cheap advice is focus on relating and not relationship; relating builds connection and compatibility builds enduring connections. Gosh, I've worked hard at relationships; it's very possible to have good relationships with people who are not deeply compatible. But I think the "real love" actually is a catch phrase for deep compatibility.


I like this!

Do I think it’s delusional to find love at this age? No, not at all! I think the hard part is living in love at this age. We know too much and I think we need to unlearn a few things before "We connect, so we'll enjoy this and see where it grows". Sometimes, I think it’s delusional to “think” you’re of an age, why be and think so limiting?
 arcticdude
Joined: 10/4/2008
Msg: 91
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/8/2010 8:48:18 AM
Define "love". Then I can answer the question...
It's super easy to mix up 'love' & 'delusion' at ANY age.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 92
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Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/9/2010 12:10:02 AM
Going with your definitions, which may not be the same for all, I say "no", you are not delusional. However, if you don't believe in it, you won't find it. If you do believe, you have to have patience and trust that the balls must all be in the air at the same time. If you met someone several years ago, that you might be meeting in your future, chances are the juggling act would not have worked back then. One or both of you was not ready yet. If you go by what has happened thus far, you will just give yourself an excuse to not believe.

Now, when you find that "feeling" of love, to love and be loved takes action, commitment, communication and time. Kind of like finding the right flavoring for the stew the two of you are cooking up. For some, it starts to taste awful, for others it savors just right. So, don't just stop at McDonalds. Go for the fine dine and I don't mean that literally. This is something you cook up between you. It doesn't need the right restaurant, nor do either of you have to be perfect. What you do need is that both of you, are willing to be willing.

Go girl! Don't let the sourpusses drag you backwards. Mistakes? Learn and grow from them.

ps Bless you Margot!
 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 93
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/9/2010 3:02:58 AM

Define "love". Then I can answer the question...
It's super easy to mix up 'love' & 'delusion' at ANY age


Well they do say that love is blind.. So let us define it as loving someone warts and all..Hardly a delusion just a different way of viewing them.. Like I happen to like men with long noses..

nativerock
 SouthBayNative
Joined: 10/15/2010
Msg: 94
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/9/2010 5:30:51 AM

The 'spark' simply indicates attraction, not compatibility. I suspect people relate to the spark as if it were real rather than an indicator of attraction and connection.

I think this sums it up for me at this point in my life. That spark was what I looked for in all my previous relationships which was why they died eventually. This time I saw the real person (and he saw me during one of the worst times of my life) and the relationship I have now is on a whole other level than any other relationship. I would wish that I knew this 25 years ago but I don't think it would have changed things. I wasn't ready. I'm a different person than I was then, looking for something different.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 95
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Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/9/2010 6:41:32 AM

Like I happen to like men with long noses


Hmmm... the lessons of the story of Pinocchio resonate in my mind......

Have you had a lot of encounters with men who are liars, players, cheats, etc? Is there a correlation?
 4ms4me
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 96
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Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/9/2010 12:55:36 PM
My sweetie and I met in Aug 2009, I was 51 and he was 53. It is different than when I was 25, but it feels like "real love", and more deliberate and thoughtful than my younger years.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 97
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/10/2010 3:01:42 PM
I think middle age men, simply don't know what they really want. Thus, they keep looking or have many reasons why not to be serious in a realtionship. What they might not realize is as you age it is always better to have that special person by
your side.

Why? Why as we age is it better to be with someone? It was much more important to me earlier in life to have someone by my side. I was raising a son, working, and all those other things some of us do in our 20/30s. I wanted someone to share that life with (through those stages.) Now? I'm happy in this stage without just one person in my personal life. In fact, it might be quite problematic for someone to fully join my life and for me to fully join his. I no longer view my life as "family" oriented and inevitably, LTRs turn into "family." I'm not saying your view isn't appropriate for you (or for many for that matter) it just doesn't make much sense to me.

~OT~ I don't think it's delusional to find love at any age. It's a matter of being open to being in love and loving in return.
 Pilose_Wink
Joined: 11/2/2010
Msg: 98
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/10/2010 3:15:00 PM

I'm happy in this stage without just one person in my personal life. In fact, it might be quite problematic for someone to fully join my life and for me to fully join his. I no longer view my life as "family" oriented and inevitably, LTRs turn into "family."


I can relate to this, it’s actually one of my biggest fears in a relationship; I don’t want to play house nor be absorbed into another’s family. I’ve had 25 years of it, what’s left of my life is about doing what I/we want, not what we’re supposed to do. It’s a hard mold to break for many and some prefer family, but it’s not for me any longer.

What I’ve noticed about love and delusion at this age is that few seem able to really dream, security seems more important. I prefer playing on the fringe, it may not be the safest, but it’s certainly more interesting and I think there’s room for love on the fringe too. .
 GingersnapWA2
Joined: 11/26/2009
Msg: 99
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/12/2010 11:28:24 PM
If hoping or expecting to find love at my age is delusional, then call me Miss Delusionelle!
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 100
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Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/13/2010 7:41:36 AM
In order to find love one must first love. Its only delusional to expect to find love if you know you are not prepared to take that first step, to expose yourself and to love another. If you search for someone to love you while holding yourself back, waiting to see the signs, waiting for proof, then you delusional.

It really has nothing to do with age. People who routinely love are loved in return. Think of those who you know love you. Don't you love them back? Does their age matter?
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