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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Delusional Expecting to find "Love" at this age?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 101
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?Page 5 of 15    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)
The love and relationship we experienced with former spouses when we were younger, and raising families was different than what we're looking for now. When I had 3 kids with my ex, we were consumed with working to "build" and raise a family. Looking back , and watching my own child, now a wife and mother, I've realized how easy it is to lose each other somewhere along the way. Our parents and family made us feel selfish if we wanted time to ourselves, as a couple, once the kids came along.
The kids ended up accompanying us everywhere and as a result we sacrificed our 'coupledom'. He wasn't strong enough to be an equal partner and ended up being another needy adult child. It drained me and resentments were bourne.

Today I encourage my daughter and son-in-law to take week-ends and evenings for themselves. I point out that they shouldn't stop being the couple and lovers they were before the kids came along.

The relationship I'm looking for from a man, at this stage, has nothing to do with raising a family. Been there done that! It's more about satisfying each others' needs. It's won't be a relationship geared towards starting a family, it will be a relationship centred on each other. Our children are all adults at this stage.

In that respect, shouldn't that kind of relationship be easier and more enjoyable to build and maintain? Wouldn't it be easier to love and maintain that love?
 hemanmachostudlovegod
Joined: 11/28/2010
Msg: 102
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/13/2010 10:57:01 AM
No, because nothing has changed in the basic ideas behind it. The circumstances that have changed were just the ones at work making the problem appear in the way it would under those particular circumstances. In new circumstances, the same old problem will have a new way to appear. People tend to act out whatever principles they hold. Unless the principles change, the outcomes don't. To get along is about compatibility of underlying ideas. When you find someone who is in that way suited for you, you get along with them no matter what circumstances. Until then you meet people and clash and try again.
 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 103
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/14/2010 6:47:10 AM

Have you had a lot of encounters with men who are liars, players, cheats, etc? Is there a correlation?


No I haven's have you???

nativerock
 Civilized Rebel
Joined: 11/14/2009
Msg: 104
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/14/2010 12:57:03 PM

The relationship I'm looking for from a man, at this stage, has nothing to do with raising a family. Been there done that! It's more about satisfying each others' needs. It's won't be a relationship geared towards starting a family, it will be a relationship centred on each other. Our children are all adults at this stage.

In that respect, shouldn't that kind of relationship be easier and more enjoyable to build and maintain? Wouldn't it be easier to love and maintain that love?


It should be but it isn't. The older you get the quicker you are to find fault and resort to incivility. It comes out sooner and for less reason. Think about it... when was the first time you told your first husband to stick it in a mean way. I'd be willing to bet that it took as much as a year. By that time you had built up a reserve of emotional credit deep enough that it wouldn't do any real damage. Older people tend to start right in with caustic excoriation without the benefit of letting a measure of good will accumulate.

Of course, there are exceptions but not very many. Look around you. People are starting off, even here before they even meet, with loads of detrimental false accusations. Whenever some guy starts out thinking that every woman is a gold digger and out to exploit him or any woman starts out on the assumption that every man only wants to date her to get access to her daughter, it is a biting insult that may never be overcome. Not that they care. Old people call aggressive nastiness wisdom and are smug about how rude and unfeeling they are.
 Dave of Indiana
Joined: 3/18/2009
Msg: 105
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History
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/14/2010 5:49:14 PM

It should be but it isn't. The older you get the quicker you are to find fault and resort to incivility. It comes out sooner and for less reason. Think about it... when was the first time you told your first husband to stick it in a mean way. I'd be willing to bet that it took as much as a year. By that time you had built up a reserve of emotional credit deep enough that it wouldn't do any real damage. Older people tend to start right in with caustic excoriation without the benefit of letting a measure of good will accumulate.

Of course, there are exceptions but not very many. Look around you. People are starting off, even here before they even meet, with loads of detrimental false accusations. Whenever some guy starts out thinking that every woman is a gold digger and out to exploit him or any woman starts out on the assumption that every man only wants to date her to get access to her daughter, it is a biting insult that may never be overcome. Not that they care. Old people call aggressive nastiness wisdom and are smug about how rude and unfeeling they are.


Something I've stated many times. Especially relabeling "agressive nastiness" as wisdom. In looking back at my parents and grandparents generation of divorced people (men and women) they all came acrossed as bitter and negative, but, they didn't hide behind it by relabeling it. Maybe just my opinion but many of us seem to be acting/reacting just as I remember my parents and grandparents generation of divorced people . They all died single, bitter and grouchy.
 ALMOSTABLONDE
Joined: 9/30/2010
Msg: 106
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/14/2010 6:18:32 PM
I know some old, grouchy, single people who never got married or even lived together...but they were previous to the baby boomers...our generation, we have a higher divorce rate BUT we also have people living together & remarrying. let's face it, some of us are to blame for our singleness: too high standards, fears, refusal to compromise, etc.

I have found love a few times since my marriage ended, & had some men pursue me who I rebuffed

I have made poor choices & wasted my time w/ men who were NOT right for me, maybe causing me to pass up Mr Right. And all this internet stuff, maybe if we got involved w/ local interests etc, we'd meet the right person THAT way, instead of through our in box
 frienddougie
Joined: 10/10/2010
Msg: 107
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/15/2010 7:41:33 PM
almostablonde wrote:


<div class='quote'>maybe if we got involved w/ local interests etc, we'd meet the right person THAT way, instead of through our in box

... and I agree with you completely. I'm convinced that I might find someone, when I'm actually looking, if and when I step outside of my door and into the world and maybe trust again. Because it won't be here on PoF.
 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 108
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/15/2010 8:58:07 PM

and I agree with you completely. I'm convinced that I might find someone, when I'm actually looking, if and when I step outside of my door and into the world and maybe trust again. Because it won't be here on PoF.


Frienddougie....There are a myriad number of people on POF, as there are outside your door. Don't discount everyone on here completely. There are numerous people who are honest and are who they say they are. You just have to become discerning.

The only thing holding you back at this moment is your fear and your trust issues. Everyone has gone through something or other in their lives. Take comfort in the fact that you're not alone. When you're ready you'll find that there's someone out there for everyone. Using these sites as a tool and not making them one's only life line to the outside world is the key .
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 109
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/16/2010 6:16:38 AM
You can find love at any age IMO, but if one uses online dating as the only avenue instead of a tool, you might be setting your self up for disappointments .

I think the problem with online dating is most people has unrealistic expectations and you end up attracting the people you who plays games or too has unrealistic expectations.
 hemanmachostudlovegod
Joined: 11/28/2010
Msg: 110
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/16/2010 7:06:06 AM
I think the problem with online dating is that it gives people a forum to postulate their theories about what is wrong with it. They do that, then show up for dates thinking it's OK to explain their theory about what is wrong with online dating. That wrecks the date while confirming the theory, whatever it may have been, including this one of mine. Nobody reading this has to meet me to know that I have a lame theory and I'm not afraid to use it, not even when I could be using the occasion to incite romance, strut my stuff, or offer a glimmer of my considerable capacity for affection. This age and all ages it's hopeless except when it does work, and when it does, what is to be done with the theory explaining why it can't work???
 Max Schnell
Joined: 10/11/2010
Msg: 111
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/16/2010 7:54:44 AM
It depends on you define the phrase "find love". This is not an insignificant task.

If by "find love" you mean, "find somebody who is willing to have sex with me", then that's basically a linear function where the independent variable is "age" and the dependent variable is "find".

If by "find love" you mean, "find somebody who is willing to have sex with me AND put up with me for an extended period", then that depends on variables that are much harder to graph. It's more like calculus, because it has to consider both the rate and the magnitude of change in the variables with respect to each other, and also more slippery concepts like subconscious motivation. I haven't found a reliable way yet to plot "id", but I'm working on it.
 Crabby_McCrabberson
Joined: 8/11/2010
Msg: 112
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/16/2010 1:07:18 PM
Stop it Max, you know how hot I get when you talk like that.
 jackfouru
Joined: 9/10/2010
Msg: 113
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/16/2010 2:35:38 PM
Not delusional at all in knowing I could fall in love again at my age (assuming I were not already married of course), but real questionable I could fall in love with a women my age. Yesterday I had a meeting with a woman at least 25 years my junior. Sweet, warm, beautiful and intelligent. Heck yea . . I would have NO PROBLEM falling in love again.
 frienddougie
Joined: 10/10/2010
Msg: 114
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/16/2010 3:50:53 PM
smarts and heart wrote:


The only thing holding you back at this moment is your fear and your trust issues.


Miss Smart and Heart, trust might not have been the correct word. When the words, whether written or spoken, and actions are not the same, it's disappointment. Too many people, men and women, who need to either s**t or get off the pot.
 4ums
Joined: 6/7/2010
Msg: 115
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/16/2010 4:13:31 PM

You can find love at any age IMO, but if one uses online dating as the only avenue instead of a tool, you might be setting your self up for disappointments .

I think the problem with online dating is most people has unrealistic expectations and you end up attracting the people you who plays games or too has unrealistic expectations.
Since my divorce, this was the only way I dated. This is the only way I could meet single men. If you think you can walk into a party, a bar, a grocery store, etc. etc. you could be setting yourself up for disappointment. Seriously, if you can do more activities where you can meet single people great, otherwise, I see online dating as wonderful.

History does repeat itself and it is up to you to learn from it. Some things I don't think I can learn, why I fall for one man and yet another I could care less about. Both have equally wonderful jobs, both are fit and attractive, both are very nice, but for whatever reason I can't learn from history is why exactly I will gravitate towards the one and not the other. I don't think matters of the heart can ever fully be understood. I don't think we choose who we fall in love with. I think we can prevent falling in love with someone by ditching them, but if you don't ditch them soon enough, it can happen.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 116
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Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 12/23/2010 9:41:09 AM
Ohhhh, I certainly don't think that everyone over 45 who's "looking for love" is dillusional...not at all; and I think that some of them have as good a chance of finding that as anyone who's 20something. LOL! it's just that the 20somethings will take 20 years to realize that it wasn't "love"...it was....whatever the hell else it was! LOL!

So, even as cynical as I am....in that I totally don't believe that anyone will ever "love" me....yeah...I DO believe that it's completely possible for older people to find someone to love.
 Fierysunlvr
Joined: 1/14/2010
Msg: 117
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Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 1/1/2011 1:47:49 PM
Finding love isn't so hard, but what is harder is trying to merge your life with someone else as an older person with a life that's already defined.

5 years ago, I would've left everything behind and followed a man anywhere he went.
Now I've got a great job and a house on the beach, so giving that up for someone else's agenda is hard to do.
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 118
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 1/1/2011 2:44:39 PM

Since my divorce, this was the only way I dated. This is the only way I could meet single men. If you think you can walk into a party, a bar, a grocery store, etc. etc. you could be setting yourself up for disappointment. Seriously, if you can do more activities where you can meet single people great, otherwise, I see online dating as wonderful.
because you are attractive woman of course it easier for you, but look at the other threads where the woman is " below average" in looks, or Obese or a woman with 6 kids, does online dating work for them? for most no, Those that ( online dating) works for are usually attractive, articulate or just sometimes Mother luck plays a role.

For the self proclaimed " nice guy" online dating is torture to some of them and none of these saps can figure out why. Especially the men over 50 years of age.
 Northern Lights Chick
Joined: 10/7/2008
Msg: 119
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 1/7/2011 6:53:44 PM
And you know what else....the same men are on other online dating sites too....so where does it all end? or when?
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 120
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 1/7/2011 10:26:37 PM
I don't think it is delusional, I just think that maybe, someone who is new to the dating world and is over 35, maybe delusional about what it looks like at 35-and beyond.
It doesn't look the same as it did when we were 20. So if someone has been with there childhood sweetheart, and then suddenly winds up single, they may be a little confused.
You know when I was 20 it was good enough to know, that I was physically attracted to someone, they were attentive, and they were dependable.
These same traits while good, would not make me fall in love with someone today.
Today I fall in love with people who can be more open about who they are and are willing to show me who they are. This very rarely happens.
What I have found missing is the ingredients to the recipe, not necessarily traits in men.
I know that they possess these ingredients, I just think they are well hidden by defensiveness and fear.
To cut to the chase ........I think it is still possible I know that I have come very close and I have faith that it will happen, hopefully soon.
 rustytraveler
Joined: 4/30/2007
Msg: 121
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Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 1/8/2011 2:10:52 AM

because you are attractive woman of course it easier for you, but look at the other threads where the woman is " below average" in looks, or Obese or a woman with 6 kids, does online dating work for them? for most no, Those that ( online dating) works for are usually attractive, articulate or just sometimes Mother luck plays a role.

For the self proclaimed " nice guy" online dating is torture to some of them and none of these saps can figure out why. Especially the men over 50 years of age.


Lust isn't that hard to come by.... but what the Iceman said is pretty much right on.

As far as the nice guys go... haven't seen all that many, but if they do appear they too are homely as posts, poor as church mice or looking for someone to cook and bottle wash and push their wheelchair.... ANY female will do, personality not required.

All the rest of the 'studlies' of a certain age are dipping in a different dating pool.

But I'm sure this subject has been worked to death.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 122
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Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 1/8/2011 12:30:31 PM
^^^^^^I resemble those remarks......
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 123
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 1/10/2011 12:45:01 AM
Whew! I guess I just made it! I won't be 45 for four more months, but I recently found love! I had no idea that 45 was the magic cut-off date...somehow I missed that memo!

Seriously though, I found that the elusive instant connection can be had on purpose!
The key is to just be yourself and open/honest all the time....especially on first meets.
I can't tell you how many women have told me they felt like we've known each other for years after 20 minutes.
It's because I'm relaxed and totally myself. That helps others relax too. I can't stand that whole best behavior BS. Why try to BE what you THINK they want when ultimately what you want is to love and be loved for who/what each of us is?

Of course, you'll have to be ready to be rejected for it too!

That honesty for me started with my profile.... some women write to tell me I'm an ass..so be it, I wouldn't want them anyway...others write and tell me they totally "get" me.
Same thing with the forums....I don't hold back here either! same thing happens....I get emails and comments about how awful I am, yet others write and are interested based on stuff I've posted.

There really is no right or wrong, inside the law of course.... a flaw to one may be a asset to another!

The trick is to be comfortable and happy with yourself!
 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 124
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 1/10/2011 10:08:06 AM
Real Story! I've been dating a gentleman I met from here about 2 months ago; around the time I started this thread. Yesterday his father and his father's wife invited us over for tea. They're both 86 years old and they've been married 21 years! They are one of the most inspiring examples of two people finding love at a later age, I've met! They were laughng and telling us stories of who chased who when they first met. They still go dancing together weekly and his dad just bought a new car and is now looking for his next new computer! They're both mentally and physically healthy and spry! They were simply inspiring!

That's how I want to be with a partner, as I grow older! Lol!
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 125
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 1/10/2011 10:49:40 AM
^^^I love stories like that. Love can be found at any age. It's when we stop believing that we stop being open to it. My Great-Auntie is in her late 70s. After my Great-Uncle died, I was thrilled to know she met a man who liked to dance and took her dancing every weekend. I'm sure she sill misses my G-Uncle, but she's found commonality and fun with someone else. Bless her heart, she didn't die with him, part of her likely did, but she knows that life doesn't end when someone leaves us. JMO
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