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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Delusional Expecting to find "Love" at this age?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 johnny2down
Joined: 2/28/2011
Msg: 126
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Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?Page 6 of 15    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)
It is truly incredible how you read into things. You know nothing about my life or my expectations.

Anyway, what I am stating is that Mr. or Miss Perfect more than likely does not exist in this stage of our lives. When we were young, we had a vastly greater pool to select from. We could possibly find that ideal mate, plus we had time to spare looking for him/her.

The options have decreased dramatically and so has the window of opportunity. Yes, settling for less than ideal is realistic. Anything other than that is delusional.

And as for my experiences, the places I frequent, many of the guys whom I know are cheating on their wives. Most don't have a pot to piss in and still think that they are God's gift to women, which is equally delusional.

Since I think I'm going to take a stab at getting back into the dating scene (God knows why?), I am trying to decide what kind of armour I should be wearing and what my adversary is thinking..LOL.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 127
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 4/8/2011 11:20:12 AM

It is truly incredible how you read into things. You know nothing about my life or my expectations.


I didn't read beyond this, because obviously I'm just batting my head against a
wall here.

I don't know you or your life. I'm reading what you wrote, which
apparently you don't even believe because you've forgotten already.

Good luck with your search.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 128
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 4/8/2011 1:22:15 PM
I think you go into a new relationship with the good, the bad and the ugly that happened on your previous relationship and or people that you dated and got burned by.

Unfortunately many people, particularly women that are attractive, rather than look at the individual qualities of each man, then start racing the bar based on a combined idea of all the men that they have met. So yes they had men that were good looking, faithful, good providers, were responsible, this that and the other. But not ALL in one person.

The good looking guy cheated a lot, or treated you with disrespect. The bad boy was great in bed, but couldn't keep a job. The super rich guy bought you everything, but you just couldn't sleep with him. The nice guy you talked for hours and hours, but you couldn't even kiss him. The guy that broke your heart and was poetic and intense dumped you for a more exotic girl, or went back to his old girlfriend.

So by the time you are talking to this new person, this catalog of events, bias, fears create a wall in which you do not feel, you do not allow yourself to fall in love.

The problem is that you close the gate, nothing goes in, but nothing comes out.
And you live life the way most of these type of women do.

Pain avoidance.

You are afraid to get hurt again.

Unfortunately the is no way out of this predicament because, since it's created in YOUR mind. Only until your mind realizes what is doing can you come out of the Spill.
But you are so precondition to this, that you will fall back into this.

Thus most of the women that put in their profiles "no players" end up being played again.
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 129
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 4/8/2011 1:26:22 PM
^^^^^What does this have to do with a woman being attractive? I know some women who I think are dog ugly who have been involved with every kind of man in the world and they are not supposed to be cautious when they meet someone new?
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 130
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 4/8/2011 1:29:55 PM
^^^^Strike the word attractive, replace with words dog ugly, and apply.

Hehehehe
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 131
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 4/8/2011 1:36:08 PM
Why not just say women without using an adjective to describe their appearance...... I think it is common to raise the bar when looking at a potential new relationship. How often do you hear "He or she was not good enough for you", etc. when a relationship ends? Maybe these words are said to make people feel better, instead of both parties learning from the experience and doing a bit of introspection and growth before attempting to enter into another relationship.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 132
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 4/9/2011 4:41:35 PM

Yes, settling for less than ideal is realistic. Anything other than that is delusional.

There is such a thing as "ideal for me"-which has nothing to do with money, power,looks, status.
But there is a basic foundation that"ideal for me"- will not be indigent, married,and there will be a mutual attraction and interest.
And guess what? Many mature women have discovered the wonderful option of simply enjoying life as a single person, or one who just does dating and/or short term relationships.
Gawd, you make it sound like we women will be kicked off the planet if we don't acquire a resident penis,even if it's someone we don't even LIKE.
Dude-quit with the lectures already.We don't "have" to settle, "accept" or live our lives with men that are "better than nothing". We don't "have" to do ANYTHING except die and pay taxes.
Cindy O
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 133
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 4/12/2011 1:53:27 PM

We don't "have" to settle, "accept" or live our lives with men that are "better than nothing". We don't "have" to do ANYTHING except die and pay taxes.


I wish more people. particularly men, would adopt this attitude. I really don't understand why they have not. Men are more capable of it and there is more altruism in doing so than ever before.

After a certain age. it should be clear to you that women don't want you around and you will serve society better by your absence. Once the CS runs out, you are no longer of any use. Why not make everybody happy by going away and doing something out of sight rather than thrusting your attention at those who neither want or need it? If you really want to play Captain Save-A-Ho, then being a foster grandparent or Peace Corps volunteer would make a bigger and more important impact.
 mystic_64
Joined: 12/27/2010
Msg: 134
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 4/17/2011 9:41:49 AM
There is nothing delusional about finding love at "our age", but the one thing that always seems to stand in the way are all these ridiculous deal breakers. Love can have all the innocence and beauty it had when we were younger, but fear has to be left aside, and most importantly...expectations have to be dropped. I'm in this to find my last love, and will not stop until I find her.

Good luck to you :)
 mystic_64
Joined: 12/27/2010
Msg: 135
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 4/17/2011 9:46:14 AM
@ OutMind well said sir, well said.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 136
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 4/17/2011 2:47:38 PM

We don't "have" to settle, "accept" or live our lives with men that are "better than nothing". We don't "have" to do ANYTHING except die and pay taxes.
*******************************************************************

I wish more people. particularly men, would adopt this attitude. I really don't understand why they have not. Men are more capable of it and there is more altruism in doing so than ever before.


What prompted my comment is that so often in these threads discussing love at middle age or later- we see MEN "instructing" women that they HAVE TO "realize"this, they HAVE TO "accept" that, how women over 45 have such a reduced market value,we should be undyingly grateful if a broke-ass semi-literate drunk gives us a wave of the weiner...ah, you get the picture.
It's NOT that we do not appreciate men or that we don't enjoy their company, and I'm sure that most of us would be delighted to develop a meaningful( though not necessarily 'traditional') relationship with a man with whom we shared a mutual interest/attraction/chemistry-believe me, this is something that is about a helluva lot more than physical appearance, money, status ,power...all the things that guys who lecture women about" realizing", "accepting", and "settling", must believe they LACK. Yes it can be a valid bargaining/haggling tactic to subtly overplay the supposed faults in the object being bargained over-but gentlemen, we are human beings, NOT 2ndhand cars. Forming a pair-bond relationship is not a freaking exercise in horsetrading,where you try to make the other party feel like you are doing them a favor by buying what they offer!

As far as women not wanting men around post child-support obligations,GENERALLY SPEAKING, that's just ridiculous.
But most women do not care to deal with a man who is standing there with his #!*& d*ck in his hand , telling her to be grateful that an old,unattractive,used up wrinklebag hag, is being given an opportunity-no, the PRIVILEGE- to lay down and spread her legs for some marginal guy who believes the world owes him p*ssy just because he has testicles. THOSE are the kind of men we don't want around.
How would it be if a bunch of 45+ women started a lecture topic here telling 45+ men that their prowess and power are waning, so that they HAVE TO "accept/realize/settle" for any chubby, mentally&financially unstable harridan who will deign to allow him in her life in about 5th place behind her kids, grandkids, pets and social circle?

Hell, at the end of the day-it's the end of the day!(the wisdom of John Force,lol)-we are probably all somewhat delusional...but if that delusion keeps us from entering into a suckhood relationship only because we think we HAVE to be in one, I for one cast my vote in favor of delusional.
Cindy O
 jackfouru
Joined: 9/10/2010
Msg: 137
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 4/17/2011 3:11:43 PM
Its very often about money. I have been married for a long time. I love my wife, my wife loves me . . . BUT, speaking for myself and lots of other guys who I have discussed this with, after the kids come, one of our most important roles is being a provider for the family and fixing problems that come up that require our intervention. My wife hasn't worked since the youngest was born. She didn't have to, and honestly, I didn't want her to. With taxes and issues of who takes care of the kids, it wasn't worth it. So I guess I drifted into that role of provider very easily. And I'ms till providing. Dance lessons, and college tuition, etc. etc. etc.

So the question is, what happens when the kids are gone, and what if I am now single and looking for a relationship? Chances are most of the women who have lived the type of life my wife has lived will be conditioned that the guy is the provider. Sure they might contribute, but its the guy who takes on the problems of the world. That's probably what many of the more senior women around here are looking for. Sure many of you right now are independent and living on your own, but I suspect you would love to have a guy share your burdens with you or maybe relieve you of your burdens. It is the very rare women who does not consider money as a very significant part of the equation, especially older women when true romantic love and a strong sex drive is long behind them and they are more likely only looking for companionship.
 jackfouru
Joined: 9/10/2010
Msg: 138
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 4/17/2011 3:23:15 PM
Except, it was HER decision not my decision. She was the one who no longer wanted to work so she could be a full time mom. Her not working was NOT for me, but for the kids, so the kids had their mother undivided attention. That has helped them, I believe, to grow into happy, healthy human beings. Meaningful work? What does that mean? What is more meaningful than being a full time mom if that is what she wanted to do? She made good money by the way, but I was making well into several hundred K per year in my profession (true, whether you care to believe it or not), I worked long hours, she took care of the kids. Whatever she earned would have gone to taxes anyway. Why is it you have to attack everything I say.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 139
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 4/17/2011 3:49:24 PM

That's probably what many of the more senior women around here are looking for. Sure many of you right now are independent and living on your own, but I suspect you would love to have a guy share your burdens with you or maybe relieve you of your burdens.


I don't know about any other "senior women", but I don't feel as though I'm particularly burdened, and I'm more interested in sidestepping men who WOULD be...I'm not talking about a true act of fate-but of men who've handled themselves badly and are now looking for a woman to take care of them, based on the idea that women would just about sell their souls to have an (alleged) "man in her life"( and in her house, burning up HER money,etc).
There, we've exchanged stereo-types.

It's my belief that women who are truly desperate for a man to 'take care of her' , won't dink around with online dating sites, they'll look locally, and yes, there it may well be that money/material possessions are the #1 priority.

But many "senior women" these days not only raised a family, they also worked full time in a decently remunerative occupation or career. I really think that relying on being able to "buy" a relationship is an underinformed strategy, and the men who blame their lack of dating/relationship success on not having a high net worth ought to delve a little deeper into the matter , before they become solidified in their anger and bitterness.
As to why anybody attacks everything you say, I'm sure we could enlighten you, but it would be quite off topic.
Cindy O
 jackfouru
Joined: 9/10/2010
Msg: 140
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 4/17/2011 3:50:13 PM
Ruby, despite the contempt I may have generated by posting some of my opinions in this forum, the fact is that I am completely non-controlling with my wife. She has, for the years of our marriage, done exactly what she wanted to do.

Now, cowboy has limited my rights to only five posts per day. He has also prohibited me from starting new topics. I suppose I could use my anonymizer to hide my IP address and create a new Alias, but I like the reputation I have developed here.

So I am done for today :-)
 jackfouru
Joined: 9/10/2010
Msg: 141
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 4/17/2011 4:00:51 PM

As to why anybody attacks everything you say, I'm sure we could enlighten you, but it would be quite off topic.



"Beware the irrational, however seductive. Shun the 'transcendent' and all who invite you to subordinate or annihilate yourself. Distrust compassion; prefer dignity for yourself and others. Don't be afraid to be thought arrogant or selfish. Picture all experts as if they were mammals. Never be a spectator of unfairness or stupidity. Seek out argument and disputation for their own sake; the grave will supply plenty of time for silence. Suspect your own motives, and all excuses. Do not live for others any more than you would expect others to live for you."
— Christopher Hitchens
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 142
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 4/17/2011 4:06:19 PM
jack
I realize you may not be able to respond-today,anyway- but I think you put up the hackles of a lot of the women here because you are the epitome of the man we've already divorced, or avoided marrying in the first place.


She has, for the years of our marriage, done exactly what she wanted to do.

Really? I don't know the lady, so I can't say for sure, but I have encountered (and AVOIDED marrying) guys whose wives do exactly what their husbands ALLOW them to want to do.
However, the topic here is whether it is a delusional expectation,wanting to "find love" at "this age"???
HUH? You mean there's an age cut-off? Along with the senior discount you get limitations on your expectations of finding a partner you TRULY want to be with? Because of the date on your drivers' license?
People who believe that they had better 'settle' for whatever stumbles across their path, have lost something very important,IMO.
THEIR BACKBONE.
Cindy O


 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 143
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History
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 4/18/2011 7:40:02 AM
Oh, I find that its much easier to find love as one gets older, simply because you actually know and understand what is going on when it happens. That, however, gives you the ability to control its depth and impact, allows you to choose its direction and to qualify its importance. It does not carry you away in the same kind of open exploration of the unknown that is given to you in your youth. You are allowed, allow yourself, to stand apart to some degree and limit and channel it into an aspect of life that is no longer all encompassing as you think you know the outcomes.

Unfortunately, you don't know where truly unfettered love will lead, your theories and beliefs are always wrong. They do dictate your behaviour, however, and by your own acts you make the search for love difficult.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 144
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 4/18/2011 8:08:26 AM
but...here I am hoping that someone will fall from my ceiling.


Watch out for those roofing contractors..

Some suggestions are to look into local meetups, and maybe start a local tall club..

James Bond isn't going to knock on your door delivering packages, but when you regularly go out to local special interest group activities you can be in a more target-rich environment.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 145
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 4/19/2011 3:24:28 AM
You can expect to find love at any age unless your thinking gets old. Young people are idealistic, so it's easier to fall in love for idealistic reasons. People who ``think old'' fall in love for pragmatic reasons, so if your preferences reflect a lot of pragmatism, then you aren't likely to find the idealistic kind of love you are talking about. I didn't have a lot of difficulty finding love at my age because I live by the motto, ``I may have to grow old, but I don't have to grow up.''
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 146
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 4/19/2011 10:57:48 AM
Growing up has never even crossed my mind. Neither has giving up. There is such a thing as re-arranging priorities from time to time, but even kids do that.
Cindy O
 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 147
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 4/19/2011 12:40:30 PM
Well, I've not found it yet and am not really expecting to... but it sure would be nice, methinks :)
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 148
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 4/19/2011 12:44:27 PM

Well, I've not found it yet and am not really expecting to... but it sure would be nice, methinks :)


Henry Ford said Whether you think you CAN'T or you think you CAN, both are right.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 149
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 4/20/2011 6:06:22 AM
Growing up has never even crossed my mind.

I would beg to differ. The ideas you've expressed about the type relationship you think would be ideal is about as pragmatic as it gets with no trace of the romantic idealism that sparks relationships in young people. Young people throw caution to the wind and go for it. It's not until your thinking gets old that you become skeptical of doing that and fall back on pragmatism to define a relationship.

When I got back into the dating world, I chose to believe that I could find love at my age. It certainly "looks" different than it looked when I was 20, but I am a different person now than I was back then.

The real difference is that when people get older, they generally give up their dreams in favor of keeping what they have. They trade risk for stability and comfort. That includes dreams of falling in love.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 150
Delusional Expecting to find Love at this age?
Posted: 4/20/2011 7:28:12 AM

The real difference is that when people get older, they generally give up their dreams in favor of keeping what they have. They trade risk for stability and comfort. That includes dreams of falling in love.



Abelian, you are a sick puppy. Once again you hit the nail on the head.

I do see this all the time. What is love in the end but a dream, an emotion. When we start rationalizing what makes that emotion we reduce it to a formula that will NEVER ever be fulfilled. Why? Because nobody IS that perfect. And if you find that perfect person, guess what, YOU are not that perfect either so they will discard you.

To find love at an older age you do have to accept the Risk as well. If all you do is look at the four wall of comfort that surround you, you will find nothing but those four walls.

In the end you will get what you have Wished. If at some point you say, this is bullsh it, this will never happen. Guess what, that is your new wish and that is what will happen.

Your wishes are your commands.
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