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Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 62
Mental Attitude and Dating Success or FailurePage 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

Some people, especially me will always get treated as if we are serial rapists

Don't wear a ski mask on a date.

The only thing close to "love" hideous people like myself will ever experience is in some brothel or prostitute's hotel suite.

Not even there if they think you're a serial rapist. You should work on your approach.
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 63
Mental Attitude and Dating Success or Failure
Posted: 1/21/2011 8:28:07 AM

How so... I cant change the way I look.

Paper bag.
Joined: 9/1/2006
Msg: 64
Mental Attitude and Dating Success or Failure
Posted: 1/22/2011 7:57:58 AM

I wish you were dead.

Dude. Get a grip. You are oozing negativity from every pore. You are not hideous. Your only problem is you. Don't tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. I've LIVED it. I've been that depressed, negative person who just wants to die. You can choose to do something about it or not. It's your life to do as you will with it.

Personally, when I was so depressed I wanted to die, nothing anyone said made a difference to me. I isolated myself for 4 YEARS! I tried several anti-depressants and counseling. Nothing helped. Granted. There was a very specific reason for my depression. One day I woke up and decided enough was enough. I have too many years left on this earth to feel this bad for all of them.

Anything you do for yourself will help you get started on a better path. If you don't care about you, nobody else is going to.
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 65
Mental Attitude and Dating Success or Failure
Posted: 1/23/2011 10:38:44 AM
I go out on each new date with a clean slate, totally open to the new person without any preconceived notions that "this guy will be just like the rest". It's really frustrating to find out the new date you have is already judging you or thinking you're not going to like him.

Either that, or they're thinking they're the best thing since sliced bread and you should be "honored" they chose to go on a date with you. Either extreme is unattractive. And the expectations - some people are full of just off the wall (to me) expectations.

They're just another person, as am I, both of us with our good points and flaws. The point of dating is to figure out if you can deal with their 'unique' (and we are all unique in our own ways) personality over time.
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 66
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Mental Attitude and Dating Success or Failure
Posted: 1/23/2011 10:58:24 AM
Another side to this:
Different people have to go through different experiences, to learn the SAME lessons as others. Therefore it's not really possible sometimes, to say that one path or another is the only way to go.
As for whether someone with a sour sense pervading them SHOULD get out of dating until they feel better...I expect that most of the time, they could benefit from that, but the trouble is, that many times we CAN'T learn to improve our outlook on life, while we are purposely isolating ourselves. Learning that others CAN be trusted, requires INTERACTING WITH OTHERS. It is true that by far, most attempts to keep dating while suffering depression about dating, will have less than stellar results, but like unpleasant exercise, it is also a necessary part of the healing.
I accept that we all will play parts in each others lives that are occasionally less than wonderful. Even though I try not to, I will sometimes be a bad experience for someone else, just as they will be for me. This is how we learn from each other.
I have been through bouts of sourness more than once. Coming out of it was EASIER when I was interacting with others, than when I was busy REINFORCING my erroneous ideas, while isolating myself. When I DID go off by myself, I tended to get MORE depressed from loneliness, and each deeper level of depression tended to convince me that I was getting LESS attractive, and LESS capable of dealing with others every day. Part of getting back to reality, was going out and failing again, but in each failure, finding that there was still something GOOD in me that the person who ended up rejecting me, found nice ENOUGH to let me get however close I did. Even as I DID fail, knowing that my own depression was part of why I was failing, I still managed to make incremental progress back again.
So again, either path has it's values, and it's problems.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 67
Mental Attitude and Dating Success or Failure
Posted: 1/23/2011 11:07:38 AM
^^^Igor, while I agree with you that isolating yourself when you're not in the best mindset is counterproductive (if you want to be social that is, some like isolation and don't care to socialize and aren't hurting anyone) in the way of dating, I don't agree that dating in particular is a form of socialization that is helpful in that situation.

There are a number of other ways to socialize while not in a great dating mindset that should be explored like activities, hobbies or community things that involve others, spending time with friends or family, or just getting out there with the intention ONLY of meeting and learning about other people in general. In fact, people who are soured on dating tend to believe that no other people in their lives are as important as someone they'd be dating, which only makes isolation from everyone more likely because they feel that everyone else is a waste of their time.

I don't agree that dating is the opposite of isolation, I guess. I always believed that romantic is only one of a ton of ways one can spend time with other people. And not looking at every other human being you cross paths with as someone who'd date you or not is sort of a narrow viewpoint, when there's so much more to life and the world.
Joined: 8/23/2010
Msg: 72
Mental Attitude and Dating Success or Failure
Posted: 1/28/2011 9:46:02 PM
What are you doin Friday?
Joined: 1/20/2009
Msg: 73
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Mental Attitude and Dating Success or Failure
Posted: 1/30/2011 5:37:18 PM
I feel as though I've endured an exercise in rhetorical questions.

I mean, I think the OP was asking questions she already knows the answers to.
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 75
Mental Attitude and Dating Success or Failure
Posted: 2/4/2011 11:53:15 AM
Yes, I do think that it hard to keep the fire and passion going after being unsuccessful for too long at this on-line-dating (OLD) stuff. There's so much rejection and disappointment to be had by all...

I see some of this as having the same expectations as real real life that spark is there almost before we ask for the date....we've talked verbally and non-verbally...our bodies already know we're interested...

On-line we're going by a picture and the written and verbal skills of the other...not necessarily are these things accurate fact they are very inaccurate measures of interest....yet we allow ourself to set up some sort of expectation that is based in fiction...a picture, a profile, a few words.

In real life...we probably are in contact (thru work, the grocery store, walking down the street...) with lots...hundreds...thousands??? of the opposite sex before we actually become interested in one enough to attempt the questiion of a date....on-line we see a picture and start to write a note of interest...yet, we still have some of the same expectations as we have IRL...

So, my suggestion on how to not become burnt out on this friggin OLD to not expect anything but to try and have fun...if it's a coffee...have a nice cup of joe and talk to the stranger in front of don't have to spill the horrors of your life story...but, keep it light and just laugh...especially at yourself...cause ya gotta laugh at yourself for doing something as foolish as internet dating...
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 77
Mental Attitude and Dating Success or Failure
Posted: 2/4/2011 6:30:05 PM

Mine was more just non expectation; and turns out I was pleasantly surprised when I least expected it.

Best frame of mind to be in, IMOf you expect nothing, you don't care if you get nothing - and it's nice if something happens, but you're not banking your fate or self worth on it, and since you don't expect anything, you're not paying much attention to it. It's really a win win.

Something will happen regardless if you are social,and enjoy people in general. When you focus and/or try too hard on finding a mate you can cause it to elude you, and cause you frustration because you're watching the clock - which means you not only notice each minute that goes by "the one" hasn't arrived yet, but everyone who you meet that isn't the one stands out. It makes no sense to look at things that way, but a lot do.
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