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 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 70
What would you do if your significant other told you this?Page 2 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

I will work on losing the weight and make myself pretty again.


So, a woman can't be overweight and pretty? Someone forgot to tell me this.


Don't let your ego get in the way of your health. It hurts because
You know you are chubby like I know I am. Its hard getting started.

He also admits he is too. I too don't mind his extra pounds- what I mind
Is how it affects his health.

That's the bottom line. Your health. Not your ego.


With all due respect, you contradict yourself! You will lose weight to be "pretty" again--pure ego--but the most important aspect is health, not ego?

Again, having once weighed 250 pounds, nagging someone--or even pointing out weight issues--will most likely NOT help that person lose weight! In fact, it could have the opposite effect. People who are fat know it: no one needs to tell them.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 71
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/28/2010 8:14:24 AM
I have a question for all of the women who think the guy is a scumbag because of the way he said it and the timing of his comments. In your opinion, women, if your guy sees you gaining a lot of weight, what is the proper way and time to mention his concerns about the excessive weight gain?

Hmm, Just as I thought. For women, there is no proper time and situation. Men are expected to ignore it. That's where men and women differ. If a guy is gaining weight, women can tell men about their concern anytime, anywhere, and it doesn't matter to guys. But every word spoken to a woman has to be thought out 6 months in advanced and rehearsed to avoid world war 3. No wonder there is a lack of communication in so many relationships. How can you have communication when every word a guy mentions can and will be used as a weapon against him forever?

Telling the guy the he won't be seeing her naked ever again is just going to provoke the guy into maybe seeking sexual pleasure elsewhere and probably divorce. The OP is an idiot for playing the "he hurt my feelings, so I will use my body to hurt his feelings" game. It's about time she enters the world of adulthood-it's very difficult to remain 4 years old for your entire life.
 curlygrl
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 77
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/28/2010 8:52:43 AM
To feel pretty again was about feeling good about myself.

I didn't say it to get ripped up.

Looking nicer and feeling healthy is what matters to me. If you feel
Its my ego talking then yeah I guess it is.

My ego also says I am not comfortable when I am a few pounds over.

I do it for me. Not to get a man.

If I didn't care about my health at this point then I would keep eating so
On some level it applies to both my health and ego.

Ok. I'm done explaining myself.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 81
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/28/2010 9:34:22 AM

I have a question for all of the women who think the guy is a scumbag because of the way he said it and the timing of his comments. In your opinion, women, if your guy sees you gaining a lot of weight, what is the proper way and time to mention his concerns about the excessive weight gain?

To me? Never, as that's MY issue not his. However, no one I was dating would see excessive weight gain as I have such strict standards for myself that I'd see myself as out of shape long before anyone else noticed. Once I don't feel good about myself whether it's body image, finances, whatever, I go on haitus anyway and improve it as a priority so there'd probably be no relationship to worry about.

But that's just me. I don't assume others should think or act like I do. If a guy I was dating was gaining weight? I wouldn't put him on a diet, nor would I tell him how to live if he wasn't unhappy with it. We would probably grow apart due to different lifestyles at some point, but that'd be beneficial to both of us if we were both content with our way of life.

 DoubleParked
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 84
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/28/2010 10:05:16 AM
When people first start dating, oftentimes this involves 'going out to eat'. ( All those free meals we gals finagle don't ya know). Men in general have a higher metabolism than women (all that muscle tissue) and so maybe those extra 'dating'calories don't appear as extra pounds on them. (Lucky Ducks) It was poor timing on his part to bring up dieting right when you are starting to enjoy your breakfast, though. Would have put me off my feed right then and there. I think you just need to change your dating habits. Put down the fork, get off the couch and find something that isn't food related to do with your time together.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 87
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/28/2010 10:32:55 AM

From the OP, it would seem that the OP's boyfriend also prefers thinner women. I would think that should be obvious.


Then he should find a thinner woman! Or he should learn some tact.

In addition, did the OP weigh as much when he started dating her a year ago? And again, how "fat" is she?

As far as your remark about overweight women being sexually limited and contributing to boredom in a sexual relationship, I can only go by my own experience (unlike the generalizations you are making about ALL overweight women)--and my experience is that no man has ever claimed boredom in a sexual relationship with me. I don't know of a position that would be impossible or even difficult because of my weight.

However, this is all off-topic, so I shall return to the issue at hand.



Yes. In all kinds of relationships ( parent/child, employer/employee, friend/friend) the message can get lost if it is not communicated effectively. Once someone is hurt or offended, he or she is much less likely to be receptive to the intended message.


I agree that we must sometimes teach others how to treat us! If we allow ourselves to treated badly, then we need to change ourselves.

Back to the "tact" issue. My boyfriend has given me necklaces but I rarely wear them because I am not fond jewelry in general. He lives in another state and I don't see him often enough, but when he was here a few weeks ago, I wore one of the necklaces. He was pleased and made the comment that he liked for me to wear necklaces because they draw attention to my neck and cleavage--both attributes that he "admires."

I didn't know that was why he liked the jewelry, so it changed my attitude toward wearing it for a couple of reasons.

He COULD have said, "Why the hell don't you wear the stuff that I give to you more often? Don't you appreciate my gifts? Maybe I should just stop giving gifts to you." If he had, it is likely that another necklace would have never hung on THIS neck in his presence.

Will I wear necklaces more often? Yes--because I get pleasure from pleasing someone who is important to me.
 a_lonewolf
Joined: 5/21/2010
Msg: 88
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/28/2010 10:56:01 AM
Ah yes, communication or is it tactfulness being the key ?.....

My boyfriend has given me necklaces but I rarely wear them because I am not fond jewelry in general.

Why not tell your boyfriend that you are not fond of jewelery instead of hiding the fact?

I can almost see you using this as fuel to a fire if you two get into an argument......."You've always just bought me crappy jewelery when I've gotten you things you like.....no consideration about my tastes....etc. etc."
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 89
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/28/2010 11:12:15 AM
These 2 people are simply in a relationship, and not a very long one at that,I don't think it was the guy's place to comment about the lady's weight. If he wants them to adopt a healthier life style, he should simply shut his pie-hole and start looking after his own backyard. If they live together and the OP is the chief cook, there is nothing wrong with asking her to do more salads, fruits,veggies, reduce the amount she cooks so that there isn't the guilt of "letting food go to waste".
If he wants to start walking or join a gym or buy a treadmill, he should ask her to join him. He can request or even just plain BRING healthier snacks.
If HE can't put his money where his mouth is, then yeah, he's controlling or maybe he's trying to engineer a break-up.
It sounds like the guy MEANS well, he just isn't very adept at expressing it.
Cindy O
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 90
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/28/2010 12:24:30 PM


does anyone watch Biggest Loser ? Being overweight is a damn epidemic .. and most who end up huge/obese say " it just happened.. before i knew it, i was 300 lbs & couldnt breath proper, got diabetes etc "...
how about " im not happy with my body anymore, i dont know what happened or where the extra 30 lbs came from * cry cry sob sob * "...
how can one expect others to be happy with their body if they themselves arent ?
to have someoen who cares point the fact out b4 it gets too bad, isnt controling.. not in my world anyways. LOL


Obesity is an epidemic, but again, speaking from experience, telling people that they are fat will not accomplish much.

Incidentally, I find that semi-literacy is an epidemic, as well. People simply do not know how to spell or, apparently, use spell-check. They don't know how to use correct grammar or compose a sentence/paragraph that is clear and easy to read and understand.

When I mention this to people who suffer from these semi-literate traits, they have almost always responded huffily, calling me a "smart ass" and even a "bitch."

Go figure! You would think that they would appreciate some guidance!


Why not tell your boyfriend that you are not fond of jewelery instead of hiding the fact?

I can almost see you using this as fuel to a fire if you two get into an argument......."You've always just bought me crappy jewelery when I've gotten you things you like.....no consideration about my tastes....etc. etc."


Um, he came to understand that I was not fond of jewelry and do not wear much without me having to tell him. Believe it or not, some people are quite observant and pick up on things fairly easily. However, he was not remiss in complimenting me when I did wear the necklace, and when he expressed his thoughts, I saw and appreciated his stance.

Why can you see ME using this to fuel a fire? What makes you think that we argue--or would argue--about inconsequential aspects? In fact, though we disagree on some things, we have not argued about anything. Rational adults discuss matters: they don't argue. Rational adults also do not surprise their mates with out of the blue statements AND they also use tact.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 94
view profile
History
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/28/2010 10:50:13 PM
Have you gained weight since you started going together? If you have, you aren't the person he was originally attracted to and he's warning you you're turning into a person he will not find attractive. If you haven't changed, then you can let him know this is how you are, he knew that when he signed up.

I once met a guy that I found interesting but he was seriously overweight, which I found a real turn-off. I was discussing this with a guy friend who told me that when he met his (now) wife, she told him she wouldn't go with him unless he lost weight. And he wanted her enough that he did it. He found it attractive that she had some standards and stuck to them. In my case with the guy, there were other problems so it never got to that.

You kmow, we women want guys to communicate about how they feel but then when they do, we're often upset by it.

You've got a choice. Listen to what he's saying. Decide for yourself if the relationship means enough to you to keep your weight within certain boundaries. He may be doing you a favor. Instead of being hurt, why don't you guys commit to going to the gym together or take up some activity like bicycling?

We don't always like what people tell us, but in the end, if they are people who care about us and are telling the truth, they are doing us a favor. The way you describe how he said it wasn't hurtful, it sounds like he was trying to be nice about it. Appreciate it. I'll bet it wasn't easy for him. Congratulate him for being willing to be honest. A guy like that sounds like a keeper.
 I-am-Rei
Joined: 9/11/2009
Msg: 95
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/29/2010 2:15:43 AM
I don't understand why some people call it controlling when two people in a relationship would voice an opinion about their partner.

Wouldn't you tell an S.O. that his/her clothes doesn't suit them or the color doesn't complement them? Wouldn't you tell them to chew a gum before talking to people because their breath sucks after an spicy meal? Would you rather let them be humiliated in public because you didn't tell them?

If your sex life sucks, wouldn't you talk to them and tell them you didn't enjoy a particular act or position?

If you can see they are eating like a pig, why is it wrong telling them they need to tone down? If you can wear jewelry to please your S.O. even if it makes you uncomfortable, what is wrong with losing weight to please an S.O. and at the same time will benefit you more?

Just because you don't want to be controlled, are you going to defy them and continue your eating habits just to show them they have no right to tell you what to do because you are not stupid? Even if you lose weight and dump him, you still prove him right. JMO.

 jamie9562
Joined: 7/15/2007
Msg: 96
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/29/2010 3:41:07 AM

Obesity is an epidemic, but again, speaking from experience, telling people that they are fat will not accomplish much.


how do you get someone into AA or Narcotics A,,,,or any of the other rehab type places...how do you get someone to face their addictions and actually do something about it....

don't they hold interventions where people sit around and tell you how your addiction has affected the people in your life,,,and don't they do this by making the person actually vocalize the problem,....

"my name is billy and i'm an alchoholic" etc.

so why is obesity any different,,,i think we can agree since it has become an epidemic the cause must have something to do with food ADDICTION...

and since when was making someone confront their addiction by making them say it a bad thing? why do we need to rewrite how we handle addictions just because this one is food?

i disagree with the original statement .....i think it is beneficial for someone to make you face the thing that most of us are afraid to say......

"honey,,,your fat and you need help" how do you get someone to seek help for something when you refuse to tell them what the problem is? your reasoning is absurd.....

"you have a problem,,,we just can't say what it is for fear of being politically incorrect,,,so,,,sorry,,guess you will just have to die from diabetes or some other obesity related condition .....sorry we couldn't get you any help...but we didn't want to mention that you were fat,,,so....

constantly berrating someone about their weight,,,,won't accomplish much but resentment
telling them that they are fat and need help before they become unhealthy and a burden on the health care system,,,,,


is no different in my mind then telling a heroin addict his personal hygiene could use some work....
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 97
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/29/2010 6:15:18 AM
Is it to the point that nowadays we are not permitted to state what we want, what our goals are, in fear it is not sugar coated enough? Cant a man assume that he is sitting at the table with an adult, willing to discuss adult issues, such as long term health goals?

The OP's man said THEY BOTH need to stop eating all the time. He stated he wanted to look good for her as well.

If the OP is chubby, and fully accepts it, she would not have gotten so offended...she would have joked back to that affect and carried on eating ...

When offended, look in the mirror and figure out WHY. Sometimes it is simply the case of the truth hurts...get over it, accept it, and make a plan to do better. Thats what winners in life do.

Intent is important-I dont belive this was a maliscious comment, meant to offend. If someone cannot take someones motives and apply them to what is being said, then maybe they are not mature enough to be in a relationship. The first thing OP goes for is to deprive her man of seeing her naked body? OK, thats a solution thats viable to a healthy relationship. NOT.
 barebobby1960
Joined: 4/9/2010
Msg: 98
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/29/2010 6:28:47 AM
yeah it does not help the ego one bit ,i came back from hospital and just as an aside they weighed me.the boiler said you lost 12 kg must have been out of your pocket
 damassteel
Joined: 7/22/2009
Msg: 101
view profile
History
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/29/2010 7:24:24 AM
I agree with many others who have said that his language was not insulting or even insensitive. This highlights once again, the difference between the guys and the gals.
From the responses I can see a distinct split between a lot of the female opinions(not all)
And most of the guys(not all). That is; the women prefer the kind of talk style that emphasizes feel good messages. The guys; truth and accuracy.
I agree as well that While women say they want an honest guy, topics like this make one wonder just what it is some women view as "honest".
 jamie9562
Joined: 7/15/2007
Msg: 103
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/29/2010 7:57:50 AM

I agree with many others who have said that his language was not insulting or even insensitive. This highlights once again, the difference between the guys and the gals.
From the responses I can see a distinct split between a lot of the female opinions(not all)
And most of the guys(not all). That is; the women prefer the kind of talk style that emphasizes feel good messages. The guys; truth and accuracy.
I agree as well that While women say they want an honest guy, topics like this make one wonder just what it is some women view as "honest".



and then there was light,,,


i have actually taken the liberty of supplying the women who claim they want an honest guy with what they seek,,,the truth,,,,,
i read their profiles and then i tell them the truth about either something they have written somewhere in their profile or just a general truth about men,,the world,,,you name it..
and i provide the correct answer..
i tell them the truth,,,,

they never respond by thanking me??????? why is that? i was being honest to a fault,,,
i don't get it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,unless............................
they see the truth differently then men do.......but,,,,,how can that be,,,,,

of course,,,,you have to consider,,they are the mothers of us all,,,,,and if you have that burden ,,perhaps it is better that you don't see the real truth that is out there....
perhaps it is better you sugarcoat the horrific things your offspring do....perhaps it is better you live in denial when your children commit acts of violence and horror...

perhaps you see the truth in a different way,,because if you didn't.......you would have to hate your own children,,,
Charles Manson,,,,,Hitler,,,,,Stalin,,,Mao......Dahmer.......they all have mothers....
and all their mothers say the same thing when asked about their sons.....

"not my baby!" "my baby would never do such a thing!"

"but......there are mountains of evidence! signed confession! video! go ask him he will tell you he did it!"


"not my baby!"

thus is the truth averted......
truth is for men,truth is cold and ugly and brutal,there is no room for "feel good" messages when you deal with the truth,,

compassion,empathy and understanding ,and huge fake smiles,these are the things women use to fight the horrible ugliness of truth....
or they just hide from it,,ignore it..........."hey mom guess what i did at the party last night!"
"i don't want to know!"

h0w many times has your mother said that to you? how many times have you heard "i don't want to know" from women in general?

fascinating :)
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 104
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/29/2010 7:59:04 AM

Obesity is an epidemic, but again, speaking from experience, telling people that they are fat will not accomplish much.

Maybe that should be, "...speaking from my own[/] experience..." The day someone told me I was fat, I realized I was. I was 155#, at 5'1" (normal weight 100-105) when someone told me their thoughts on the subject. He wasn't nearly as nice as this OP indicates her BF was. He was right. I was fat. I did something about it. I not only lost 50 pounds (that I've kept it off 20+ years ~ I also lost 175 pounds of azzhole when I moved own with my thin self.) Guess that would mean not everyone is going to respond to basic criticism/observations the same way.

Incidentally, I find that semi-literacy is an epidemic, as well. People simply do not know how to spell or, apparently, use spell-check. They don't know how to use correct grammar or compose a sentence/paragraph that is clear and easy to read and understand.

When I mention this to people who suffer from these semi-literate traits, they have almost always responded huffily, calling me a "smart ass" and even a "****."

Maybe people respond that way because what you are doing, in essence, is exactly what this OP's BF did. Except you aren't usually very kind or tactful (rather snide, most of the time) when you say these things to complete strangers. My question always is (when I read your comments of this nature) "Why does it matter to her how someone writes?" Seems to me it's just a reason to berate/belittle. But that's just how I view it.

Go figure! You would think that they would appreciate some guidance!

From a complete stranger in forums on a free-dating site? Pretty self-explanatory why most don't care about your guidance: they don' t know you. What's here doesn't matter in their everyday lives. And they likely take your verbiage (guidance as you call it) as sarcastic/glib. I don't know many that would take that very seriously, here or in the offline world. Maybe that's just those I know ~ maybe you've had success in changing others ~ I somehow doubt that, however. JMO

~OT~ Personally? This OP's rendition of the events that day, in my opinion from the limited information, speak much more loudly of her insecurities than the actual words that he reportedly said to her. He thinks they BOTH should lose weight. Her knee-jerk reaction is to post a thread here and withhold sex. I don't think that had much to do with what he said, much more that she's unhappy with her body and now believes he is also. JMO
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 105
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/29/2010 9:29:51 AM
Wow-just wow.
Where to start?
OK, in the grand scheme of things, this is NOT a long-term relationship. I really do not think that the OP's bf really had much business jumping on her( however much he tried to gloss it over) about her weight. Nothing in the OT indicates that the OP is blind-or stupid. Her bf is NOT a husband, parent or family member(even family members should consider carefully when admonishing another adult family member).

The fact that AFTER he makes the comment about putting the OP on a diet, he tacks on a comment about his own weight really means nothing except "sugar coating".

He had taken her out to breakfast,FFS! If he's REALLY that flippin-ass worried about their weight problems, then he should have fixed her and himself protein shakes for breakfast and suggested they go for a walk. I would say that the OP's more effective response, rather than withhold sex, would be to refuse any excursions that involved eating and propose an exercise based date instead. She should pick up his challenge and run with it, and I guarandamntee that it will soon become clear whether he spoke out of genuine concern or whether there's something else going on.

You'll get no argument from me about the 'obesity epidemic',but I don't think that gives every freakin' anorectic with the power of speech an entitlement to be "fat police".

Not directly on topic, but apparently there was a comment about "damage" in a post and another poster responded back "yet here you are". Guess what? We all pick up SOME emotional damage, unless we exist under an emotional glass dome . But there are some people who land in the dating pool due to things they couldn't help. Since they didn't come out of a big fat angry war with an ex, they actually have a different perspective, at least at first. Many explore online dating because ,obviously, for someone in their 40s &50s, the dating pool just isn't that large and not everyone cares to relocate or conduct long-distance relationships . Many are shocked to find that even though they are more than willing to accept some wear&tear,dents&dings, mostly what's out here, is emotionally speaking, battered wrecks barely held together by baling wire and spit. It ain't a dating pool, it looks more like the cleanup after all of NASCAR was allowed to participate in a PLANNED demolition derby.
I think that the OPs bf should be good and damn grateful that he can find a reasonably decent woman willing to f*ck him on a regular basis,and if he is genuinely worried about appearance and health he should steer in that direction and take the initiative in "finding things to do other than eating". Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.
All I can advise the OP to do, IF she wants to work on this relationship and see where this is REALLY going-is to start refusing food-related dates, insist on healthy snacks when cosied up in front of the DVD player, getting more exercise and eating healthier. That way, if what this "you-oops! I mean WE-need to lose weight" really is about control, or engineering an exit strategy-the OP will be slimmer and fitter and won't have to "settle" for fatheaded boyfriends.
Cindy O
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 107
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/29/2010 9:53:07 AM
I don't think he was insulting, I think he worded in such a way that he spoke for her. It's her choice to lose weight, eat healthy, work out. Only she can be happy or not with herself. He can hope she wants what he does, but he can't do much else. I guess it was a bit presumptuous. He didn't ask her what she wanted to do, he sort of told her what she was doing...since "she" is a part of "they" that still applies.

It seemed less like a discussion and more like an individual concern disguised as a team effort.

I'm all for honest, if it's solicited and relevant. If I ask someone what they think of how I look, then I can't complain about the answer I get. If I only worry about how I feel about myself and don't ask - why would someone randomly tell me?

Tell me you want to lose weight and that you want to start exercising more and why. And then hope I jump in and agree and want to join you. THEN you can throw around all the stuff you want about what we should both do to achieve it.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 108
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/29/2010 9:57:27 AM
People don't always know how to approach sticky subjects with perfect finesse. If my partner's weight were creeping up to the point that my feelings of sexual attraction for him were starting to diminish, I would probably say something to him along similar lines. The breakfast table is just as good a place as any to broach the subject.

Blunt honesty can sting, however I believe it is sometimes necessary in order to motivate someone enough to enact a positive change. Sorry your feelings got hurt, OP, but isn't it better that he was upfront about the weight issue rather than turning to thinner women for companionship? If you penalize him for that comment, he may be hesitant to be honest with you in the future.
 damassteel
Joined: 7/22/2009
Msg: 109
view profile
History
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/29/2010 10:18:52 AM
I think one of the key things in their interaction was intent. Unfortunately, we have no way of accurately assessing this from her account alone. Notably missing are sense of timing, tone of voice, general mood at the time etc. Soooo...It's kind of difficult to get an accurate read on this without more specifics, some of which are quite intangible in the print media.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 111
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/29/2010 11:36:42 AM

the bottom line, in my opinion... He noticed they are in a rut and its effecting them both, so he brought it up to discuss it to see if they could both come up with new activities. She took offence to it & took it as an insult

He could have handled it differently and gotten better results.
I don't know about anybody else, but I'm a grown woman that is perfectly capable of making decisions about priorities, issues, and how to handle them. A guy who comes at me and tells me he's going to "put" me on a diet, a budget, an allowance, a schedule-is going to get "put" on the curb. If he has a legit concern there are ways to create a dialogue that doesn't imply I need a supervisor "putting" me on a diet.
Actually, I've seen it written both ways "anorectic" and "anorexic".

not all skinny/slim people are anorexic or do not have to worry about their weight.
I know that. I used the word for effect.
Many slim people were over weight at one time but changed their lifestyle to lose that extra weight yes and slim people can experience medical situations,rx medications or other factors that force lifestyle alterations and cause weight gain. I know of very slim people who stay that way with a regime of caffiene and nicotine, that couldn't fight or run their way out of a wet paper bag.

But that isnt what this thread is supposed to be about.. LOL

No, it's not.
I understand that the bf was not incorrect to voice a concern about weight gain. But to take the OP out to breakfast and then say he was going to PUT her on a diet? Why didn't he say what he said later, about a concern that food was becoming too big a part of their relationship and he was concerned about taking care of HEALTH,rather than about body weight alone?
No, IMO he did intend to insult her in a CONTRIVED 'subtle' manner. If the OP is concerned about her weight she should consult her physician and put herself on the path to a healthier lifestyle. Then find a bf that sees a relationship as something that occurs between 2 ADULTS who discuss potential issues, not one "putting" the other on a regimen to correct something that (s)he views as an issue.
Cindy O
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 112
view profile
History
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/29/2010 11:43:10 AM
Entering into conversations about weight with women will often be minefields for men. The bf as depicted in this brief post seems to have in my opinion, acted without malice or intent to harm--that's important to understand. Of course the timing might have been better, but there's no way of understanding from the OP if there had been other more subtle attempts on his part to address this previously.

A relationship of over a year is long enough to have conversations on issues that are important to one or both, or that address what one partner feels or is experiencing as something of a material change which could in turn, put the relationship in jeopardy.

It's easy to understand how the Op feels here and why. However she asked how we'd react. There's not one woman that I know who wouldn't have been aware of those changes in herself first---well in advance of the man realizing it or having it get to the point where it would be 'an issue'. Further, it's been my experience that most men tend to be very unconcerned with a true and accurate, 'few extra pounds'.

When weight becomes an issue, it's often because there is a crossing over from that area into this new foreign territory....where weight is mounting, attitudes about body image and intimate interaction is changing between the two, and maintaining that initial attraction is becoming inconstant and challenging.

It's not to suggest that people won't ever change...of course they do, but there is that one part of the Op's post that plays in here..which she indicated that it was important to not "take him for granted" and he also said that "he wants to look good for me too." I have to wonder why the Op has allowed herself to keep gaining. Sometimes people partake in activities on one level that inadvertently sabotage what they suggest they want.

That said, the Op's bf has indicated a strong investment and commitment to her and the relationship, but his passion for her is being challenged. What would I do? I'd definitely take him up on those offers and make sure that our future activity/food choices are ones that are supportive of us getting back into fighting form. It needed to be said, and he stepped up said it. I'd not be holding on as close to the hurt and using this as 'ammo' which imo, will only work against a long term positive outcome for them.

This event, has the possibility of becoming the issue that from this point forward creates this 'unevenness'...this 'breach' from which it is almost impossible for him to recover and regain ground with her. He is therefore banished to this place where he is now constantly trying to appease her for this 'breach'. After a while that activity grows tiresome....as does the imbalance.

There are always going to be some hard truths that come to light in course of any relationship, along with people who won't want to hear them.

edited
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 113
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/29/2010 12:00:32 PM

Does he know you have an visible profile on a dating site?
Should he be trusting YOU??

why should he worry about his chubby girlfriend that he feels he is obligated to "put on a diet?"
Hell, she probably comes here for some intelligent adult conversation.

Oh yeah. Oh HELL yeah, let's take the woman who has just had her intelligence and ability to make decisions for herself, and question her relationship ethics as well.

I guess I never noticed that the OP has a huge tendency to come and post questions about various problems with her "great relationship". There are many people who frequent the forums who credibly profess to being in committed relationships.
But yeah, if the OP has been posting for advice about problems quite often, I would question the soundness of her perception of what a 'great relationship' is.
Cindy O
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 119
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/29/2010 3:52:17 PM

Sometimes we get really 'nervy' and think our happiness matters as well.

of course it matters and many posters here are totally in support of the OP's bf and the way he handled the issue.
I think he's entitled to be happy and if a chubby gf isn't his cuppa tea, why doesn't he get his ass out there and find something more to his taste? If he honestly wants to stay he could have handled this better. If he REALLY meant what he said about his own weight, why didn't he just start doing something about THAT, and encourage the OP to join him in a healthier lifestyle? Why didn't he just INITIATE that their activities be something OTHER than eating?
No, I think that while his intentions might be good, the way he handled it was not. And since he approached it from a "looks' standpoint rather than a health standpoint, I cannot help but think he's building an escape hatch into the relationship.
The OP should certainly try to take good care of her health and if losing weight makes her feel better, makes it easier to move, breathe, results in better control of cardiovascular and metabolic factors, that's excellent. But after reading some of her other posts, I'd have to suggest that she needs to lose this boyfriend as much, if not more, than she needs to lose weight. I think he has a screw loose...I'm not going to deflect this thread by bringing over commentary from other threads to support my statement...but that is my opinion.
Cindy O
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