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 AUTHOR
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 144
What would you do if your significant other told you this?Page 5 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
"what would you do if...?" (OP asks)

Well, if I take out the "put you on a diet" part and keep in all the rest,
(and because I'm already trying to lose weight),
(and because I wouldn't be with a man for a year if we couldn't say whatever we felt we wanted to say),
I'd simply say to him "oh cool, working on that together could be fun, let's start with a long walk this morning (or some other suggestion)."

But "put you on a diet"?
If he was saying that with a silly smile on his face.. my answer remains as above,
(and I think that is the way it would go, because I wouldn't be with the following type of man for a full year).
If he was saying that with a smirk on his face.. I'd ask him to which weight-loss retreat/spa HE was going to pay for me to go.
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 150
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/30/2010 7:04:52 AM

That would be a great way to dig yourself into a hole. Be careful what ask for.
Hahahaha!! I'm aware of any holes around me, whether dug by me or by anyone else. Don't worry yourself about me.
In case you didn't notice, I first said: "I wouldn't be with the following type of man" ..
so again, don't worry yourself about me.
 jamie9562
Joined: 7/15/2007
Msg: 151
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/30/2010 7:14:07 AM
"Why is he taking her out for a greasy meal then criticizing her?"


sigh...............................didn't you read the message right before yours? you could not have because you did exactly what TDH said people are doing......

(It's always this way when a weight thread get started. When it comes to weight some people just refuse to see fact no matter how they are presented. They can't argue the message(being over weight is unhealthy)so they always without fail turn their attention to bashing the messenger.)

why are you attacking the guy? he did not,,,i repeat,,he did not CRITICIZE her! alright..not going to quibble semantics with you,,,but if you read the original message on this thread ..it is clear the guy presented it in the best,,least offensive way he could,,,and why did he have to be so careful......

BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO WILL THEN CLAIM IT IS DEROGATORY WHEN IT CLEARLY IS NOT!

sorry for the yelling,,,but how can you not see the guy was sensitive to the stigma
attached to discussing weight and may have indeed been thinking of himself foremost when he mentioned it....

i am someone who constantly is aware of what i eat and how much i eat ,,i control my eating by doing things in moderation,,,,but i see some of you!

you can't control your urges! this is the real problem,,,,,,,, "i want more mommy! gimme gimme!"

urge control for god sakes!!!!! moderation!!!!!! say no to the cookie! just say no! and don't get mad when the person you live with CAN control themselves and wonders why you can't.... so he has to ****foot around trying to tell you,,"listen,,hun,,you gotta slow down with the eating"

this is not and has never been about obesity,,,or ripping on fat people,,,it is all about self control.........being able to see that by saying no,,you will be healthier,,more attractive to a large percentage of the opposite sex,,you will fell better in the long run,,,,,,by slowing down in the short run...
you will probably live longer and feel better doing it......
just by practicing this one thing


moderation
 jamie9562
Joined: 7/15/2007
Msg: 155
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/30/2010 8:18:47 AM
"Well Jamie, I couldn't read your editorial so I may be wrong but I did scan it and your profile. So here's how it works: for women weight is an issue like penis size and income for men. So if your gf one day when you were pulling out your [small] wallet said something like "honey, I think you should go back to school and get some more education so you can get a better job than lab assistant and we can have a better lifestyle and I"m going to take a few classes too," you'd go ballistic. If someone posted it on here you'd be foaming at the mouth about it. So it's simply a matter of what pushes people's buttons. I'm sure you'd be pissed about someone complaining about your income (which is under your control-get more schooling or a second job) so weight pisses women off. My point was about sabotage, which some people do to each other."


why couldn't you read it? i could,,,penis size and income? i will give you income,,,income is something you can do something about,,,but penis size,,,,not the same thing,,,,,you can't eat something and make your penis bigger (if only!) so i don't get that analogy....

but the income one sure,,,,,,she could suggest that one day,,and i would be totally receptive to the thought,,,why wouldn't i be? of course making more money would be better and i admit i am unmotivated as i am...but i am motivated to be as healthy as i can be so i can be poor for years to come,,,

the bottom line is,,i would never ask someone to do something i myself was not willing to do,,period,,,
call it what you like....i'm a man,,,,this is what we do

so i'm sorry ,,i do not think like you do...i would not react to your scenario the way you would like me too,,because i wouldn't in real life

i'm not pissed,,,i live within my means,,i live with a code of moderation...i do not succumb to my basic urges........


mybad:)
 DudeistPriest
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 160
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/30/2010 8:43:31 AM
["So here's how it works: for women weight is an issue like penis size and income for men. So if your gf one day when you were pulling out your [small] wallet said something like "honey, I think you should go back to school and get some more education so you can get a better job than lab assistant and we can have a better lifestyle and I"m going to take a few classes too," you'd go ballistic. If someone posted it on here you'd be foaming at the mouth about it. So it's simply a matter of what pushes people's buttons. I'm sure you'd be pissed about someone complaining about your income (which is under your control-get more schooling or a second job) so weight pisses women off."]

amen!
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 161
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/30/2010 8:46:14 AM
I've been fat before, and while I can't speak for all fat people, I can
say that for me, no one had to tell me I was fat, no one needed to tell me
I needed to go on a diet.

I don't think the OP was upset about what her boyfriend said (she knew she
needed to lose weight), she was upset about HOW he said it and WHEN he
said it. Her boyfriend knew this was a sensitive subject for her and he chose
an insensitive way and an uncool time to tell her.

I also think her reaction was more of a hurt at the time reaction, and at some
point they will probably talk about it and work it out.

The OP wasn't asking should she lose weight, how she should lose weight, she
wasn't asking for other people's opinions on fat people, I believe she was asking
about her boyfriend's way of TELLING her she needed to lose weight.

So yeah, while the message was on target, the messenger was a bit off. I don't care
if he did sugar coat it with saying he needed to lose weight as well. That just doesn't
seem like a cool thing to say after sex while you're EATING. Maybe take her out for
a walk and say it then.

Yeah I know, everyone is so sensitive nowadays and whiney sacks...you'd think they
would appreciate a little brutal honesty since it's in their best interest and for their health. ahahahahahahahaha!



 jamie9562
Joined: 7/15/2007
Msg: 163
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/30/2010 9:08:50 AM
["So here's how it works: for women weight is an issue like penis size and income for men. So if your gf one day when you were pulling out your [small] wallet said something like "honey, I think you should go back to school and get some more education so you can get a better job than lab assistant and we can have a better lifestyle and I"m going to take a few classes too," you'd go ballistic. If someone posted it on here you'd be foaming at the mouth about it. So it's simply a matter of what pushes people's buttons. I'm sure you'd be pissed about someone complaining about your income (which is under your control-get more schooling or a second job) so weight pisses women off."]

amen!


Johhny!,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I think we have a match!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


c'mon southbay,,you know he is soooooooooooooooooooooooo cute ,,and he so just defended your honor,,,like,,,,,it was totally cool!

you should at least give him a handy!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 164
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/30/2010 9:27:08 AM

If I were with a woman who complained about my earning power (after a whole year of dating me), I would look at it rationally and determine whether she has a valid case and I have somehow allowed myself to slip to a point that she wouldn't have reasonably expected me to get to when we first started dating. If this was the case, then yes, she would have a point, and I should do something about it, for both our sakes.

I can't imagine ever telling a guy I was dating I was disappointed with his income and ability to earn money. Why? It's his business. I have a job and pay my bills - what he does is his business. We may not have the same mindset when it comes to working, and that may cause us to become mismatched. But I'd have a hell of a lot of nerve discussing his finances with him if they had no affect on me. And if they did, I'd adjust things so that they didn't affect me...it'd teach me not to blend stuff, frankly.

Therefore I'm not sure why his interest in being healthy would be something she should participate in unless she wanted to and mentioned it or it was an ongoing discussion about her initiated by her. Declaring that he wanted to start getting in shape and what changes he was making for himself and how THAT might affect their future activities is great. But we includes her, and she didn't ask.

That said, if she's been talking about it and openly discussing searching for a solution, THEN she can't complain when he makes a suggestion (which is still not set in stone until she's on board with it).
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 170
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/30/2010 10:53:01 AM

I don't think the OP was upset about what her boyfriend said (she knew she
needed to lose weight), she was upset about HOW he said it and WHEN he
said it.
Indeed! Sequence and timing.

Her boyfriend knew this was a sensitive subject for her and he chose
an insensitive way and an uncool time to tell her.

Indeed, and I STILL say,IMO-that the tacked-on disclaimer about him needing to lose weight too,and wanting to look good for her, was damage control. I'm going to presume that these are 2 adults that are peers as well as bf/gf, neither one of them should be talking about "putting" the other one on anything. I personally think she should have come back with "and I'm enrolling you in an interpersonal communications course."

The OP wasn't asking should she lose weight, how she should lose weight, she
wasn't asking for other people's opinions on fat people, I believe she was asking
about her boyfriend's way of TELLING her she needed to lose weight.

So yeah, while the message was on target, the messenger was a bit off. I don't care
if he did sugar coat it with saying he needed to lose weight as well. That just doesn't
seem like a cool thing to say after sex while you're EATING. Maybe take her out for
a walk and say it then.

Exactly!
The problem I have with the situation as outlined by the OP, is the patronizing " I'm going to put you on a diet". That is what bothers me, because it implies that he's somehow possessed of more authority-that his thoughts and feelings carry more "weight" than hers does, when it's supposed to be a partnership of equals, it isn't even really ABOUT the weight issue,it's the presumption that he is somehow entitled to run her life.
Had he simply said, "we need to find alternatives to eating as our main leisure activity" or that he was thinking that being less sedentary and making better nutrition decisions was something he plans to do and hopes that she would share that interest,it would have been more diplomatic. As it is, I personally think the tacked on comments about his OWN weight was a quick manuever to forestall a public scene. One COULD go so far as to suggest that he arranged this whole scenario to take another swipe at the OPs self-esteem with maximum impact, but is he really that smart? I guess MY question would be "Is he a headgamer or is he just a clueless dork?"
Cindy O
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 175
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/30/2010 11:39:53 AM

....the answer is to be attractive.....Guess it is only important when getting a guy.......It should matter when keeping a guy!

It should matter for HEALTH.
People often do tend to relax and become less concerned with their weight when they are in a relationship and content...and it's easy to cross over to being TOO indulgent and let the pounds sneak up . It happens to guys too. Not everyone experiences significant weight changes in a happy relationship,but it's a fairly common phenomenon.
The other factor is that the person who has recently left a relationship may be within the parameters of healthy body weight and fitness level,but feels that "healthy" doesn't cut it, she needs to get a movie star figure to be in the dating pool.
No, people should not "let themselves go", but it does tend to happen.
Actually, I don't recall the OP saying anything about having a significant weight gain, or giving any indication that she wasn't chubby when this relationship started. From what I've seen, usually that "contentment" weight gain happens quite quickly when a new relationship starts,not a year into it. IF she has in fact gained quite a bit of weight, although I still say he could have expressed his concerns better, I could understand the bf not wanting an upward spiral in weight to continue. But his timing and sense of tact in voicing the concerns, IMO, were actually counter-productive and I am not the only poster saying that.
Cindy O
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 181
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/30/2010 1:15:40 PM
And this is why some of them will die alone.

given the anger, damage, mind games, double standards that seem so prevalent here in PoF forums, I would call that a blessing!

Look, I know that the forums are a place for discussion and debate as well as sharing opinions/giving advice. I realize that it's a mix of idealists, inquiring minds and defeatists, not necessarily a truly representative sampling of the participant base of Adventures in Modern Dating.
It's also my considered opinion that this "they(you) will die alone " is simply the expression of the proclaimants biggest fear.

What I predict. is that some of the people who use "dying alone" as a a dire prediction upon people who don't agree with them-may live out their days in a marginal or even destructive/abusive relationship because that's "better" than 'dying alone'.

Yes, some people are bitter, angry, jaded,whatever.
But some who don't come along and buttkiss everybody, have simply decided that they'd rather die on their feet than live on their knees as that concept would apply to relationships.
Cindy O
Edit to add

Every single time a man has suggested anything to me and followed it up with "and I do too" he really thought it only applied to me. I can't really imagine it that these types of men only exist around me.
LOL, no, they exist all over the place. To be fair, this same scenario does occur with the genders reversed...but the "and I do too" tacked on is a dead giveaway.
Nobody here is applauding obesity or unhealthy lifestyles. Nobody is saying the OP deserves to be dumped because her bf is a tactless boob. Actually, I don't think she should dump HIM either, 'tactless boob' is not necessarily a relationship-ender. I still think she should have told him " Ok, and I'm enrolling you in an 'interpersonal communications' course."
Some of us have gone and at least skimmed some of the OPs other threads and posts, and believe that there is more beneath the surface of this seemingly small issue. We aren't just pulling it out of the air. Were I the OP, I'd be calling this little mindgame the 3rd strike.
He's got a sexual obsession that the OP finds a complete turn off, she isn't getting as much pleasure as she ought to in their sexual intimacy, and now he's taking a swipe at her self-esteem and presuming that he can make decisions FOR her.
I'd be sending his butt down the road...THEN, if warranted, develop a healthier lifestyle.
What he should have said if he REALLY meant they both needed to live healthier, was just exactly that. WE need to find other activities. WE need to eat healthier.WE need to be more physically active. NOT that "he" was gonna put "her" on a diet...where's the WE in that approach? And yes, the " I need to lose too" was just tacked on to prevent a hot coffee bath, or a kick in the nuts under the table.
Cindy O
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 183
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/30/2010 2:50:49 PM
(It's always this way when a weight thread get started. When it comes to weight some people just refuse to see fact no matter how they are presented. They can't argue the message(being over weight is unhealthy)so they always without fail turn their attention to bashing the messenger.)


jamie9562, great point---I've noticed this as well, however, I don't think this attitude is limited only to women. Personally, I've been called controlling and shallow more times than I can count, and have even had my own weight and eating habits bashed because I've never been interested in dating overweight men---and I alluded to that in my profile.


why are you attacking the guy? he did not,,,i repeat,,he did not CRITICIZE her! alright..not going to quibble semantics with you,,,but if you read the original message on this thread ..it is clear the guy presented it in the best,,least offensive way he could,,,and why did he have to be so careful......

BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO WILL THEN CLAIM IT IS DEROGATORY WHEN IT CLEARLY IS NOT!


I'm in full agreement with you on this point, too. I think the bf attempted to put it as delicately as possible when he presented weight loss as a goal for BOTH the OP and himself. I would have expressed myself in a similar fashion had I been in his position. I do believe he was simply trying to lighten the mood when he told the OP he was putting her on a diet.


i am someone who constantly is aware of what i eat and how much i eat ,,i control my eating by doing things in moderation,,,,but i see some of you!


Same here---I also CHOOSE to constantly monitor what I eat, and I keep my weight in check by consuming food and alcohol in MODERATION.


this is not and has never been about obesity,,,or ripping on fat people,,,it is all about self control.........being able to see that by saying no,,you will be healthier,,more attractive to a large percentage of the opposite sex,,you will fell better in the long run,,,,,,by slowing down in the short run...
you will probably live longer and feel better doing it......
just by practicing this one thing

moderation


I share your view that maintaining a healthy weight is a "self-control" issue, although I prefer to use the term, "self-discipline" issue---and I agree that MODERATION is the key. I also believe that maintaining a healthy weight is a LIFESTYLE CHOICE. People have a choice as to what and how much they eat, as well as whether or not they exercise.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 184
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/30/2010 3:17:58 PM

Next time "she" is trying on a dress and asks "do I look fat?"
I'm going to be honest about it.
When I say "no" I'm a liar and told I need to be honest.
When I say "yes" I'm an ***hole and have no compassion and/or understanding.

P.S. - I missed this earlier. If I am dumb enough to ask someone else if I look fat in a dress, you bet your a$$ I deserve the answer I get...I asked, for Pete's sake. If I can't determine for myself what I look like in a dress, I got worse problems than how I take an answer. If I'm fishing for compliments, I'm too high maintenance to deserve them. End of story. That's very different than a guy suggesting to me or volunteering me or anything else I haven't signed up for.

And this is why some of them will die alone.

Even in a room full of people, the most loved and cherished of us will die alone. You can't take anyone with you, so let's stop using this as a means to make anyone in particular feel bad, shall we?

I've always taken the tack that trying to pressure or "suggest" that people do something they haven't come up with on their own is futile. Either they're interested in it or not... it's not my place to try and change it. I can either live with the way he is or I can't.

This is the crux of it, really. It's up to each person to decide what they want to work on and what they're unhappy with/won't tolerate about themselves. In a case like this I don't think at all this guy is trying to make her feel bad, but may do so because of the presentation of it. It's not a good motivator. Some people may not like to hear that, but it is what it is. If I'm dating a guy who's losing his hair, I doubt my suggestion that he get hairplugs is going to go over well. I'd question him if it did, honestly.
 I-am-Rei
Joined: 9/11/2009
Msg: 186
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/30/2010 3:26:32 PM
And also what's up with the "penis size" comparisons ? Are people here getting dumber or what ? - How can you compare "something you have control over" vs "god given" ??!

That's correct!!!

I was told my penis was too small once. I just said, "hey, that's cool, we're not a match because that's something I can't change." We parted as friends.

Specific, you're a good man. You could have said: "My penis is not small, your vajayjay is just too big." Would that be a compliment?
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 188
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/30/2010 4:31:20 PM

I call bullsh*t on this one because I know what she's talking about. Why is he taking her out for a greasy meal then criticizing her? My bf makes oatmeal in the morning for me then we go on a bike ride (his choice after I said I was having trouble losing my goal of 15 lbs. even though I've been on a fat free diet/tiny portions for two years due to common bile duct problem) That's real support. I've had the other type plenty of times.


I highly doubt he took her to a greasy restaraunt...not too many greasy spoons serve crepes with artichokes....(If you had bothered to read the whole OP before getting offended, like the OP) sounds like a nice meal there, and possibly the menu had a good selection of healthy breakfasts...either way tho, we are all responsible for what we shove in our mouths...even rotten ronnies serves up a salad.

And I dont care what anyone says, all these medical problems we hear causing people to get fat are BS...you can only get fat if you put fat in your mouth. Glandular and such issues do NOT account for the number of obese people. No where close.

I smoke. I know it is bad...if someone points it out, I dont pout, I nod and say 'yes, I know I have a horrible habit and one day Ill kick it'...I dont run off and pout because someone pointed out my weakness. But it seems OK for a chubby woman to behave that way? Not in my book.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 191
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/30/2010 9:09:22 PM

Why do you assume that a statement made about a particular man or situation is an attack on all men?

Because calling someone a "hater" supposedly renders that person's opinion, suggestions,comments invalid? Because if they can exhibit what they think is some kind of "proof' that the dating pool is full of "man-haters", they have a defense against their unpartnered state? I'd ask a seemingly logical question,"why would a woman who actually hates men be on a dating site looking for men?" But,just as I have observed about SOME men, I also believe there are SOME women who are horrifically angry at men but feel compelled to leap into the dating pool anyway. For all I know, maybe it's actually a part of coming to terms with a relationships' demise.

So your main problem with this post is his delivery? I mean really you were not there and I can tell you she did not relay the conversation verbatim.
Oh, and you WERE there? You know that no woman gives an unbiased account of an incident because ONE woman did you dirt?? I don't get why your boxers are in a bunch over THIS topic, this topic involves a self-described chubby, not a woman who has or is planning to cheat. This topic really isn't about WEIGHT, it's about creating an effective dialogue for resolving-or at least starting to resolve- an issue.Somehow, I don't think that happened here with the OP and her bf.

Also I didn't see where he carried her to a gym and held a gun to her while she worked out. Heck he didn't even take her food she was eating.




And yes, the " I need to lose too" was just tacked on to prevent a hot coffee bath, or a kick in the nuts under the table.


Which we know is acceptable if doled out by a female....However if a male done the same he would need to be incarcerated.

Wow, somebody needs to file a "missing" report for their sense of humor.

I think the bf attempted to put it as delicately as possible when he presented weight loss as a goal for BOTH the OP and himself.
Perhaps, but I think it would have actually had a better outcome if he had presented it as a mutual HEALTH situation-not just tacked on ""the I need to lose, too!" as an afterthought, or if he had focused more on the topic of finding entertainment experiences that weren't about eating. Or instead of this " I'm going to put you on a diet" he could have just led by example,seeing as how he needs to lose,too?

Op, it doesnt really matter if i or anyone else think you should be hurt by his comments. Fact is they are your feelings and you are entitled to them.

Precisely, and that is what this topic is actually about! Effective communication,NOT weight.

I dont think you are being manipulative for not wanting to have sex with him. You are under no obligation to have sex with anyone least of all someone you are angry with or had your feelings hurt by. Your need to feel valued and loved is no less than his need to get his sausage wet.
that's an interesting way of looking at it. We could all hash this over until Hell freezes, but at the end of the day, her feelings were badly hurt and if that makes sex with him unappealing,what's she supposed to do? This again suggests that some people believe that we can all MAKE ourselves shut down an emotion, or force one into existence for someone else's gratification.

Even in a room full of people, the most loved and cherished of us will die alone. You can't take anyone with you, so let's stop using this as a means to make anyone in particular feel bad, shall we?

Someone-it may have been Oscar Wilde-said that dying alone would be fine. It would be dying yet having to entertain someone else while in the process, that would be dreadful.

And I dont care what anyone says, all these medical problems we hear causing people to get fat are BS...you can only get fat if you put fat in your mouth. Glandular and such issues do NOT account for the number of obese people. No where close.

Nobody said that ALL obesity was due to medical/medication issues. But they CAN change metabolism so that weight gain can occur much more easily. Crap, I see current TV ads for some Rx medications that come right out and state that weight gain and edema of the hands and feet are common side effects. Granted, this is not to blame medication/medical issues for all overweight/obesity cases. But it might be more prevalent than the average person realizes.

I smoke. I know it is bad...if someone points it out, I dont pout, I nod and say 'yes, I know I have a horrible habit and one day Ill kick it'...

Ah, I'm an ex-smoker, shall I start a diatribe about how the physical and psychological addictions factors in smoking are not the cause of all nicotine addictions, its CONTINUING TO SMOKE that causes the addiction? But I won't.
Besides, it's really not a good analogy, comparing someone making an unfavorable judgement/comment about what many see as an objectional behavior, to a romantic partner or SO making an unfavorable comment about your body/appearance. A better comparison would be a woman telling her balding SO that he better get some Rogaine or other baldness remedy.

On this we agree you and the OP should never give your soul to a man.....That would save us the trouble of returning it!
People should share their souls with their SO,not give it outright. That way nobody has to be troubled with returning anything, the owner just stops sharing-hopefully in an honest and forthright manner,but that would be in a perfect world.

I didn't see her lack of desire to get naked with the man as a form of punishment. If I knew someone didn't find my body attractive, the last thing I would want to to would be to show it to him to he could be taking my inventory

Yeah, it's about like someone coming to you, criticizing the hell out of your vehicle and then asking to use it.
Cindy O
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 194
view profile
History
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 11/30/2010 11:16:18 PM
It's in moments like these that you get to choose who you are. It sounds like he did try to frame it in a non-hurtful way, but frankly, it is very hard to say something like this in a way that doesn't hurt or sting. So, take the hit of being hurt.

Now what?

Who are you? Someone who wallows in hurt? Someone who faces their problems?

It doesn't sound like he was trying to be mean or hurtful. It sounds, to me, like he was trying to broach a touchy subject diplomatically.
 ~breathlesshush~
Joined: 4/25/2006
Msg: 196
view profile
History
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 12/1/2010 12:22:32 AM
I decided to respond to the OP before reading the responses from others (seeing as it 10 pages already; I came in the room late ), so if I'm repeating what others have said my apologies.


he casually mentions that he is going to have to "put me on a diet" and that "we need to find something to do other than eat." He said that he needs to lose a few pounds too, but he doesn't want me to "take him for granted" and he also said that "he wants to look good for me too."


First off Opie, I think it's important to take into account that a man said this. Men often say what's on their minds, and it probably didn't even occur to him that what he was saying would hurt your feelings, especially to the point where you are considering breaking up with him over it.

A lot of men are very matter-of-fact about these kinds of things. My brother for example, will be the first to tell you he's fat. He recently started fake baking and when I asked him why (it's winter fer crissake!), he said "because fat looks better tanned"...and he said it in a very matter-of-fact way. He wasn't looking for (false) compliments like most women would be who brought up their weight ("Do I look fat in this?"); he was stating a fact he believes to be true.

My ex gained about 30 pounds after we broke up. The first time I saw him I was stunned, because he gained most of it in his belly area. Very unattractive, in my opinion. He joked about it and even pulled up his shirt and squeezed his belly (shudders). I teased him good-naturedly; again, no big deal.

I only know ONE, yes, one woman who would joke about her weight gain openly and you could tell that it really didn't bother her to admit it, nor did it bother her when others pointed it out as well. She's a different kind of woman though...very confident and outgoing and she just doesn't give a sh!t what people think. That's why everyone likes her.


I know I need to lose some weight.


Try to step outside yourself and take his comment the way he intended it. I may be totally off the mark, but I don't think he was trying to be mean or insulting. I think it just occurred to him at that moment, and he said what he was thinking. No big deal, unless you allow it to be.


"he won't have to worry about seeing me naked for a very long long time."


Sex as weapon is never a good thing. I understand that your ego took a hit and you are likely very self-conscious about your body right now, but I truly think you are over thinking what he said, and finding insults where there are none. He obviously finds you attractive and wants to be with you or you wouldn't have had sex shortly before he said what he said. No?

Speaking as a woman who has struggled with my own body issues my entire life, I get where you're coming from. No doubt my initial reaction would be very similar. BUT; and this is important; you have to look at it from his point of view; not assume he meant it in the way a woman would if she said it to you. Because we all know how mean, catty and downright vicious we can be to each other; especially when it comes to weight; to try and make us feel better about ourselves. We don't need men to put us down, we do it to each other all the time. Any woman who denies making a disparaging remark about a beautiful woman (thick ankles!) behind her back is either a saint, or a liar. I think we all know what category most of us fit into.

Talk to him Opie; let him know how his words made you feel. Give him the opportunity to tell you where he was coming from and his motivations for saying what he did. Don't do something you may regret because your ego was bruised.

Self-confidence is amazingly sexy. Before you go on a crash diet, consider working on your confidence level first. Be proud of you, and he will be too. Yours is the only opinion that truly matters, and your reaction speaks volumes about how you feel about yourself.

Good luck Opie, I hope it all works out for you.
 KSCFish33
Joined: 8/26/2010
Msg: 197
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 12/1/2010 11:54:41 AM
As a note, I personally prefer women who have some weight to them. Not 'let herself go' weight, but anorexia-thin doesn't do it for me either. I think in the US, expecting women to look like a model is unrealistic.

As far as your boyfriend goes, I wouldn't say his comment would warrant an immediate breakup, but it would warrant a long discussion followed with a review of your relationship. If you doubled in weight since you met then, while I disagree with his approach, he may have a point. If you're in the 'healthy weight' category and not the 'let yourself go' category, then he shouldn't complain.

Some of us would be happy to be in a good relationship and don't expect perfection...
 WaywardWynde
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 200
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History
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 12/1/2010 3:44:23 PM
A different thought. Bear with me.

A long time ago, in my late 20's, I noticed that ALL women I had been close to for a period of time either stayed trim (were trim I when I met them) or over some time got trim (they were not appreciable trim when I met them).

"How come?" I asked myself, for I ___NEVER___ mentioned or complained about the weight of a woman I knew. Not once.

"Ahhhhhhhh" .....

...... "that's IT!!" I said. I didn't complain in the slightest.

What I DID do -- most assuredly -- that should perhaps a woman gain 4 pounds (and she would know that) was ***compliment her when she lost one or two of those pounds***.

NO complaints on my part, ONLY compliments on my part when she moved in the direction she wanted to move anyway. Nevermind, my personal preference has ALWAYS been for svelte women. ALWAYS, though I did have to accept I would have to also appreciate women a mite heavier as I grew into my late 40's and early 50's. (Alas and alack, I also weigh more now than when I graduated Marine Corps boot camp at age 20.)

Even as a young man, I knew men who appreciated "the bouncibility factor", to use the phrasing of one such man, but I liked what I liked, and a flat stomach is it.

To this day, there have been EXACTLY two women of import in my life who gained weight over our relationship. One -- who drank quite a bit too much -- put on 60+ pounds start to finish, and in the end it was too much for me. The other -- a friend of nearly two decades -- has gone from an incredible size 2 to a puffy "size 10". She is still an incredible friend and I am glad to have her beside me any morning in the year. There was a third woman long ago who started off pushing a size 14, but (involuntarily) trimmed off to a about a size 10 and was falling, who complained again and again about her weight loss. In the end, she continued to drop to a size 8 and dyed her hair a very weird orange color.

No conscious effort or thoughts on my part at all, but the women I've known trimmed down if they were not already trim. All I did was say, "Thank you."

Me, I generally exercise six days a week. I once had an acquaintence -- who played NFL football for fifteen years -- who lifted heavy weights until age 91. His wife of 66 years didn't complain.
 bt1976
Joined: 7/14/2010
Msg: 207
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What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 12/24/2010 1:49:37 PM
I think you should listen to what he is saying. He likes you enough to be with you so he is telling you what he needs. Alot of people put on weight during relationships over the years and dont really realize it. You should do it not only for him but also yourself. If my significant other told me I was packing on the pounds I would hit the gym the next day personally
 kari135
Joined: 9/1/2009
Msg: 209
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What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 12/24/2010 3:09:28 PM
Am I the only who took the "he won't have to worry about seeing me naked for a very long long time" to mean simply that the lights would be off, not a refusal to have sex? Is this some new code I haven't heard yet?
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 213
Struck a serious cord with me!
Posted: 12/27/2010 2:50:36 AM

Thus why the times have changed and it is NOW the men that get to sit back and be selected and the women that have to become the ones pursuing a relationship.

Not in my world - and that's just the way I like it.

Have you read the POF forums, much? We have thread after thread of men complaining that women never ask them out and won't even contact them or approach them on POF. We have 45+ page-long threads about "who pays for coffee," and the most prominent statement being made in those threads is that women seldom ask men out so it's very rare that they pay for the coffee date "since they hardly ever do the asking."

I'm not sure where this Utopian world exists where men sit back and the women compete for their attention, but alot of the guys on the POF forums will probably want to come spend some time there!
 sentback
Joined: 12/22/2010
Msg: 217
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History
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 1/1/2011 11:53:23 AM
I suggest you get a new boyfriend. Just make sure he is employed at one of the following establishments. Burger King, Mickey Dees,,, A/W, KFC or Arbys.
 I-am-Rei
Joined: 9/11/2009
Msg: 218
What would you do if your significant other told you this?
Posted: 1/1/2011 7:06:04 PM
To some of the posters from pages 10-11, please read message 235. Her problem has been resolved. If you want to start a new topic then start another thread about What is a vagina?.
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