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 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 44
Taking things slowly vs. wasting timePage 2 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

^^^ If the guy has a problem in that too few women "go all wild" on him, it's because he is chasing women a good deal more attractive than he is, rather than chasing women a good less attractive.

Biology works that way.

For all you know this man could be in the stunning-in-appearance category ~ meeting women who are above-average-in-appearance but are simply NOT wild in the bedroom. (That's about the silliest statement I've read here, and I've read a LOT of silly statements.)

~OT~ There's a fine line between "taking my time" and wasting time. I've jumped in, I've lingered for a year in a perpetual dating mode with one man and the results have been the same. Rarely a relationship is built. I believe I know when it's time to move from one stage to the next and if I'm not on the same page with the man in my life ~ that's fine, we can both go our own ways and meet people who we are more in sync with. I think when two people are seeking the same thing (whether sex, dating, relationship) it's just wise to at least try to meet/date those of like-minds and if when you do so and all the other components are intact, there really isn't much need to put time-lines on things. But that's just how I do it.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 45
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/17/2010 10:41:02 AM
Well, I don't consider myself in a relationship if all that has happened is phone calls and e-mails, so its probably just a matter of different interpretations of the words being used.

While I am quite conscious of the need to PROTECT oneself where sexual interactions are concerned, I have a very fine child that was the direct result of one of many condom failures that have happened to me over the years, and just to put the squash to the many who would think otherwise, I have no regrets about it at all. It does tell me, however, that the only absolute protection available is to abstain from sex. Everything else is just varying degrees of risk.

As far as testing is concerned, even that is no guarantee. It can take many months and repeated tests for something like AIDS to show up, and by then its far too late. This aside from the fact that people lie, especially where sex and sexual history is concerned.

In my mind, it all comes down to judgment, and that is far from infallible. Yes, be careful. Yes ask about diseases and tests. Yes ask about sexual history and current behaviour. However, in the end, its always a risk, regardless of the answers, and regardless of the protection applied.

As to your question, sorry, I don't quite get what the question is...
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 46
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/17/2010 10:57:48 AM
I don't really understand what this thread is about at all.
Taking things slowly vs wasting time?
I don't mind taking relationships slowly because I figure I
have time for that. What I don't really have time for is meeting
people I'm not really interested in and then hoping something
will work out if I take my time in getting to know them. While I
realize you can't always judge a book by it's cover and first
impressions aren't always correct, I've rarely been wrong in my
impressions of a person when meeting them for the first time.
(my assessment of new management at work is notoriously on track,
but I digress)

So, I can tell within within say 10 or 15 minutes of meeting someone
if I can see any sort of future relationship wise with them. I pretty
much decide that yes, I'm willing to see where it goes or no, this just
isn't going anywhere. If I'm willing to see where it goes, I do just that,
sort of taking my time, but not always ignoring impulses.

Seems pretty simple to me, because if you're both on the same page,
things sort of just happen naturally. It's when one or the other has
reservations you run into problems. I'm not really interested in
convincing someone I'm worth getting to know and if I don't like you
when I first meet you, there's no sense in trying to convince me either.
Color me bad.

*shrug*

 JP1111
Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 47
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/17/2010 11:01:53 AM
It sure seems that you have already answered your own question!

You have by merely explaining that you feel that you are wasting your ime with her so you can choose to keep on doing that or, have a talk with her explaining how you feel and wither or not she shares the same ambition as you.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 48
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/17/2010 1:05:04 PM

What is the investment you speak of?


It takes time and money and emotional investment to investigate any relationship. All that is an investment, and that of time is the most precious. Spending months to find out someone has some kind of deal breaker is a big loss, to my mind, and any way you look at it, is an expensive loss.

Of course you would not be with someone who would sleep with someone after 3 dates. In the case of AIDS, who you slept with 10 years ago is relevant. Some people are herpes II carriers without any symptoms, ever. They may have picked it up in High School without knowing it. I am sure there are lots of other diseases with similar possible situations. HPV in females can go undetected for decades.

The big trouble with testing is you have to know what to look for, otherwise, things could get to the stage that everyone has to get a full battery of tests before every date, and sit in guarded isolation from the time of the test until the date happens. Even then, tests are just about never 100% accurate.

Again, you have to be careful, and you have to avoid the obvious dangers, but there is no time line that will guard you against disease completely. Whatever rules you establish for yourself are just your rules. If they work for you, that is great, but they are not a guarantee nor are they necessarily any better than anybody else's rules.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 49
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/17/2010 1:14:10 PM
I am old. I don't have time to waste.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 51
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/18/2010 2:07:52 AM
^^^ if it takes more than 10 minutes to respond, it's a sure sign of a player, plus he has AIDS that he got from all his gay lovers. the HIV virus slows down muscular contractions needed to tap out text messages.
 WaywardWynde
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 53
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/18/2010 3:52:32 AM
^^^ "too quickly"?? 10 years ... 16 years ... 10 years .... 4 years ... Yup, I confess I'm a real Minute-Man.

What's your point? They would have lasted longer if they had taken forever to begin??
 daffie
Joined: 5/21/2010
Msg: 54
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/18/2010 4:42:10 AM
we're not teenagers.
taking things slowly IS wasting time...

i know if i want a relationship of any type with a man as soon as i meet him. if a guy ever told me he wanted to "take things slowly" i'd know immediately that he's not that into me...and i'd be gone.

who wants to hang around until something better comes along?
not i...rolleyes:
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 55
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/18/2010 5:14:03 AM

I guess what I'm trying to say is: if you're looking for a serious long term relationship, but are also a guy with 'urges' how do you determine the cut off point when dating someone who you click with, but haven't been 'physical' with. Sure getting to know other people is a plus, but playing games isn't...


I had 2 dates with a girl recently & I had to say 'no thank-you' & I'm not sure why. We clicked, but I didn't feel we had a 'future', maybe I acted to quickly, but I followed my instincts.

It seems like you were able to determine that point yourself with the above statement---that's exactly how you do it. To do otherwise, to wait for something that is unlikely to ever ignite, is not likely to develop much further.

Why? Because even with those types that want to take things very slowly, there should already be enough attention and interest shown/felt that demonstrates their interest in you clearly. If you don't feel it early, it's unlikely to manifest.

Now that whole part about some wanting a relationship to progress slowly, is really a secondary concern to understanding first if they feel as you do...engaged and interested, and that there is real potential there.

When you are certain of this palpable interest and feel similarly, you likely won't see this part of dating as a waste of time. The notion of a 'waste of time' only becomes a factor when one or both aren't being upfront as they should.

EVERY important to me relationship has started quickly...

^^^For me as well. IMO, there is no right or wrong way here...it's simply about dating in a manner where you are most comfortable. There is no moral high ground for waiting. This board and many others on POF have equal representation that prescribes to each side, with similar success / failure rates.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 56
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/18/2010 8:17:52 AM
^^^ This is way to far on the opposite extreme. I an happy to cough for a single date for the purposes of deciding if there is any interest, and then any mutual interest. If there is mutual interest, then a second date, perhaps. Months of dates? Not a chance. I am in the dating business to find a compatible friend and sexual partner, and that never takes me more than one date. Others are different, perhaps, and that is fine if it all works for them. No matter how I look at it, there is no upside to spending time and money on endless dates that may, in the end, go nowhere. Dating itself is about the most horrible way to spend time I can think of, but obviously you have to do some of it to find someone.

Of course, I never go on a date with the expectation that sex is the result, but I do go on a date with the expectation that I will find out the level of mutual interest. If its there, how and when sex happens is usually not much of a concern. It just happens and pretty quickly in my own experience.

Ideas like dating for months until one or the other is "comfortable" with the "relationship" are to me absurd. Who wants to date someone who is not comfortable in your presence? What possible qualities could a woman have that would justify spending time with her trying to develop a romantic relationship while she debates things in her own mind? There is a lot of competition for partners out there, and the number of compatible partners is huge.

No, I am not saying that you need to jump into bed following the first coffee date. There is no schedule, but there is a need to define a "relationship" in fairly short order. I have, and enjoy, lots of sexless relationships with fine and interesting women, but to me they are not "dates", they are my friends. In short, if you go on a "date" and you don't get a sexual response at some level, she isn't interested and the vibrations are not happening. If you want to wait it out, that is fine for you, but when that happens to me I just define the "relationship" as possible friend, and move on.

To me, its pretty clear that if you have not found a connection by even the first date, it means that she either has issues or she is not all that interested, and its best all around to not waste her time or mine. If a 50 odd year old does not know what she wants when she sees it, then I can't see where any relationship with her could go. I certainly have no trouble knowing what I want when I see it. This is, as they say, far from being my first rodeo....
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 58
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/18/2010 8:55:59 AM
Of course it can always be that I am not interested. My comments only refer to the case where I am interested and get nothing back. That has to be her issue. Yes, I have been on dates of the first meet type where I realized pretty quickly that I had no interest, and in that kind of situation its definitely my "fault" as to the outcome.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 59
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/18/2010 9:19:14 AM

For me, I can get a pretty good feel really soon if I want things to continue. I will be the first to admit most times I meet a guy , I am not interested. I like a really different type. However, shame on these women who keep letting a man take them out and feed them, and these guys need to stop taking these women out so much !!! How hard is it to tell if there is a connection or not????

I have to agree with this, right down to the fact that most guys I meet aren't my type. If they aren't, there's no way I'm sitting and eating a meal with them - I don't care what's on the plate or who's paying. Then again I prefer my own company to guys I'm not into...I'd rather take myself out to eat - at least then I don't have to make conversation.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 61
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/18/2010 1:18:33 PM

A lot of this 'wasting time' stuff comes from guys who either are desperate for sex or they're like a salesman trying to make the sale before the customer realises it's a bad deal... Or they just want to 'score' and move on...
Men who are comfortable, not desperate or not worried about the woman seeing through the facade... can take their time. - m_church


I have to agree with this.

I have found that the men you go out with are very quick to wine and dine you and then off to the bedroom.
I don't see the purpose for this. So yes, I do agree with what you said.

I am finding that if a man takes his time to "get to know me", understand who I am and then try to please me in simple ways (like bringing me a "hot chai latte", cause he knows that I really, really love them), will get further ahead.

In the end, he, we will begin to mesh and understand what the other person likes and dislikes. Then ... when the intimacy portion finally happens, it will be wonderful, as the foundation has already been set.

So ... Don't waste your time trying to bed me, go slowly and take the time to get to know me first. Otherwise... move on.
 *topchef*
Joined: 8/2/2008
Msg: 62
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/18/2010 3:15:16 PM

So ... Don't waste your time trying to bed me, go slowly and take the time to get to know me first. Otherwise... move on.


OK, so you spend the requisite weeks or months "getting to know each other".....and now you are ready to have him "bed you". And what if....he just doesnt ring your bell in the sack?? You have spent weeks and months getting to know someone who is not compatible sexually.

Part of the "getting to know" is getting to know if there is sexual compatability. Maybe you dont necessarily want to jump in the sack on the first date, but once you have some understanding that your are both eager to get to know each other better, part of that has to take place between the sheets, IMO
 *topchef*
Joined: 8/2/2008
Msg: 63
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/18/2010 5:28:32 PM
If they are not comfortable enough, they shouldnt be having sex. You seem to be saying you are having sex with these women when they are not ready, or comfortable, as you put it. My point is, you dont need to know a person inside and out before sex can be part of the relationship. Ideally, the discovering is continuous, sex just adds to the evolution of the relationship.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 65
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/18/2010 9:54:14 PM

Is there some reason you can't get to know someone while also having sex with him/her?

For me, there is. I tend to not use my objectivity when the sex starts. So if the guy's not for me, it's easier for me to find out before all that starts going on.

If you feel the attraction, and you feel comfortable with the person, what's the big hold up here?

For me attraction starts physically, but really takes off when a guy's personality beyond what I can see is a bonus of that physical attraction. Good looking is ok, but a guy who's looks are just the beginning of who he is is what makes him hot to me and irresisitable - while finding out there's nothing else going on but looks is a turn off. Most of that isn't something I find out right away.

That said, I'm not one to go months in the beginning either.
 DemonLeather
Joined: 8/10/2007
Msg: 66
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/18/2010 10:25:49 PM
Ok.. here's the deal.. you want to play the "I have to get to know you" game, get out the way,. yoiu bare NOT all that .. believe me. I don't have time to wast on your behind,.. If you think it's gold,. go try & cash it in & see how far you get with that.. I'm not playing that victorian crap.. You know what you want,, fine tell me about it,. if I have to prove MY worth you YOU?! MOVE on,. You're too wrapped up in yourself for me or anyone to try to know...Go make out with a mirror, at least you'll be with your favorite persom,, be it alone.. Life's too short and I may die any day,.. waiting on YOUR behind to make up it's mind,. is not an option how pomp- as$ & rediculous! Geeeze!
 DemonLeather
Joined: 8/10/2007
Msg: 67
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/18/2010 10:34:12 PM
There you Go! Desperate attempts (be they desperate)are at least in real-time (give up the bad poetry though..)
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 68
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/18/2010 11:28:11 PM
^^^Thanks. LOL...I was going to say "if he's hot but stupid or ignorant and doesn't speak I can hang in there, but if he talks I then can't unhear what he's saying and I'd have to dodge his calls" but I thought that'd be too blunt, even for me.

: )
 Twilightslove
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 69
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/19/2010 12:17:42 AM
I've just read five pages of this thread. It seemed that you were speaking of wasting your time in the matter of dating/relationships and wondering what point in investing your time, efforts, and money was worth your conquest. I guess that is where the sexual part came in. If you want sex with another person yet still want a good relationship with them then it is a matter of when you both feel the urge. If that person does not reciprocate your feelings in a timely manner though I would assume that they are not the perfect match that you are hoping for.

Every time I have felt the relationship was worth it nothing could have stopped me from reciprocating and any time I felt that the date was not someone I felt compatible with I knew it pretty fast.

When everything is said and done sex plays a large part in most relationships so it is definitely something that both partners usually want to know about when they feel that the relationship is going good.

I agree with women in progress. Having sex tends to make a person lose objectivity so it is best to know the person well enough first to know if you want to go there or not.
 DemonLeather
Joined: 8/10/2007
Msg: 71
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/19/2010 5:45:08 AM
"I will write bad poetry until the day that I die
when you gonna come get me to tie
me up?
my love
por favor... lol"

I didn't say desperate attempts would WORK,.. just they're in real=time.You need to concentrate on the latino..no hable espaniole~
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 76
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/19/2010 11:14:33 AM

some people are flat out trolls. Yet, most of us continue to feed em.

Exactly.
 WaywardWynde
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 77
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/19/2010 11:22:03 AM

Comments like these prove time, and time again that some people are flat out trolls.


WHICH comment is that?


Yet, most of us continue to feed em.


Yeah, maybe I should have let it pass.
 WaywardWynde
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 78
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/19/2010 11:33:39 AM

Some men are insecure and they gauge a woman's interest in them (and therefore their "value" as a man) by how quickly she puts out. These are men with fragile egos and a poor sense of self / self-esteem.


Gee, I didn't know that a man wants a woman because he is "insecure" and has "a fragile ego and poor sense of self." Thanks for sharing your special insight.

Now, if you would please tell us what it means when a woman wants a man?
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