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 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 68
Taking things slowly vs. wasting timePage 6 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
^^^Thanks. LOL...I was going to say "if he's hot but stupid or ignorant and doesn't speak I can hang in there, but if he talks I then can't unhear what he's saying and I'd have to dodge his calls" but I thought that'd be too blunt, even for me.

: )
 Twilightslove
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 69
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/19/2010 12:17:42 AM
I've just read five pages of this thread. It seemed that you were speaking of wasting your time in the matter of dating/relationships and wondering what point in investing your time, efforts, and money was worth your conquest. I guess that is where the sexual part came in. If you want sex with another person yet still want a good relationship with them then it is a matter of when you both feel the urge. If that person does not reciprocate your feelings in a timely manner though I would assume that they are not the perfect match that you are hoping for.

Every time I have felt the relationship was worth it nothing could have stopped me from reciprocating and any time I felt that the date was not someone I felt compatible with I knew it pretty fast.

When everything is said and done sex plays a large part in most relationships so it is definitely something that both partners usually want to know about when they feel that the relationship is going good.

I agree with women in progress. Having sex tends to make a person lose objectivity so it is best to know the person well enough first to know if you want to go there or not.
 DemonLeather
Joined: 8/10/2007
Msg: 71
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/19/2010 5:45:08 AM
"I will write bad poetry until the day that I die
when you gonna come get me to tie
me up?
my love
por favor... lol"

I didn't say desperate attempts would WORK,.. just they're in real=time.You need to concentrate on the latino..no hable espaniole~
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 76
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/19/2010 11:14:33 AM

some people are flat out trolls. Yet, most of us continue to feed em.

Exactly.
 WaywardWynde
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 77
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/19/2010 11:22:03 AM

Comments like these prove time, and time again that some people are flat out trolls.


WHICH comment is that?


Yet, most of us continue to feed em.


Yeah, maybe I should have let it pass.
 WaywardWynde
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 78
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/19/2010 11:33:39 AM

Some men are insecure and they gauge a woman's interest in them (and therefore their "value" as a man) by how quickly she puts out. These are men with fragile egos and a poor sense of self / self-esteem.


Gee, I didn't know that a man wants a woman because he is "insecure" and has "a fragile ego and poor sense of self." Thanks for sharing your special insight.

Now, if you would please tell us what it means when a woman wants a man?
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 79
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/19/2010 12:05:56 PM
Eh, I've gone fast and I've gone slow. The only time any scenario/experience was a waste of time was when I *knew* the outcome and hung around anyways to ride the trajectory. Even then, some of that wasn't a waste of time because I got to observe what I thought I knew with what was - and learned some stuff about me and others and life.
 VivaciousVixen2010
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 83
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/19/2010 9:59:22 PM
wasting time~ it is not going anywhere quickly and there are NOT intentions of anything with this person's amusement
taking thing slowly-investing energy to listen and get to know somebody while developing real feelings

i have learned to put a wall up to protect myself from AN INSINCERE MAN

wolves in sheeps' clothing
 WaywardWynde
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 86
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/20/2010 7:07:42 AM
People have more excuses than Carter has Liver Pills as to why they will never again have sex in their lives and why NO ONE ELSE should either.

If the goal is NO SEX!!! -- except if everything, everything, everything, everything is absolutely perfect AND 24 (not 23, not 25) angels are singing in the background -- one excuse is as good as any other.

Most people lead lives of quiet desparation. They are desparately afraid somebody, somewhere is having fun.

If you like someone, you like someone. If you don't like someone, don't date them. If you can't figure out one from the other, don't date at all until you can learn the difference. That's your responsibility as an ethical human being.

Someone somewhere might be having fun.
 matchlight
Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 93
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/20/2010 5:03:59 PM
It's usually the woman who has more control over the pace of things. I can understand how some women would be reluctant to start off too fast with a man--and not always just to protect themselves. Maybe they really like him, and are trying to see that neither of you gets hurt. They may have had very fast starts lead to quick affairs, where they developed feelings for the man and then got rejected.

Or, vice versa, they may regret that they had sex right away with a man they didn't feel much for, and then had to reject him after he'd developed feelings for them. Most of us feel pretty lousy about hurting people's feelings when they really didn't deserve it, even if we convinced ourselves at the time that they did.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 95
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/20/2010 7:09:43 PM

I can understand how some women would be reluctant to start off too fast with a man--and not always just to protect themselves. Maybe they really like him, and are trying to see that neither of you gets hurt. They may have had very fast starts lead to quick affairs, where they developed feelings for the man and then got rejected.

Or, vice versa, they may regret that they had sex right away with a man they didn't feel much for, and then had to reject him after he'd developed feelings for them. Most of us feel pretty lousy about hurting people's feelings when they really didn't deserve it

Good post Matchlight. This is why I went into things slower this last time around. I really, really liked him, but I'd seen the debris of my life. The body count of perfectly lovely men, who I'd hurt by casting aside like the fickle woman I am, was mounting to very uncomfortable levels.
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 98
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/20/2010 8:53:35 PM
I don't think any relationship is a waste of time. Who knows where it will lead? The journey is just as, and sometimes even more important than the destination. I think a lot of people lose out because they demand to know what the final result will be before they even get started. I met up with two women I met online, who at the first meet wanted to know if I was 'serious' because they didn't want to waste time with someone who wasn't interested in getting married to them! How the hell can you know at that point? And guys, if all you want is sex, then go to a hooker and leave the normal women alone. That way you won't be 'wasting your time'.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 101
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/20/2010 10:38:01 PM
You are neglecting the paradox of being confident through acknowledging ones weakness.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 108
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/21/2010 8:13:50 AM

This is very true, but, what do you designate as careful? What is that “careful’ based on? If your treat sex as the prize, the goal, a separate issue that needs to be achieved and verified for your labors, by all means use that measuring stick. For some, there is no reason to assume that sex somehow has a different emphasis in a relationship, it’s part of the whole package and is on one’s mind from the moment they lay eyes on the other for the first time.

What I designate as careful is calling what we are sharing a committed, exclusive relationship. Sex, at least for me, doesn't enter into the equation. It is entirely possible to have a sexual relationship that is slowly growing into something more, or not.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 115
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/21/2010 12:18:41 PM
Whats a few dates wasting? Do we have open heart surgery to preform on anyone?

A few dates takes time. Usually money on the guy's side. Emotional investment to some degree for someone, and getting in the way of other options, passively or actively to at least some degree. Why waste your time with someone you're not into but maybe there's a 2% chance a "spark" could occur if you kept "trying" (what, is this a job?)? Crunch the numbers -- waste of time.

Most of us have probably had sex with someone who lied and maipulated us and after it was all said and done they vanished.

I'm sure that's the ONLY way a gal could hop into bed with a guy quickly, right? lol I don't even believe it's the Common way (but yes, it does happen).

but for me sex is not going to happen quickly

Yeah, that's fine. But that doesn't mean you're taking it slow, though. "It" in terms of speed between a guy and a gal is not the bedroom, really... although the LACK of it can be an indicator given some time. Otherwise one would be well on their way to an LTR after a drunken one-night stand or a rendezvous with an "escort".

They want you to meet their parents after a weekend excursion in another state? That's the universal way of speeding things, regardless of how many bases have been crossed.

One shouldn't sit there, floating in limbo with someone out of fear of being hurt. One shouldn't speed things along out of fear of the other person floating away, either ("Hey, let's meet my parents on the 2nd date! I want to mesh lives ASAP so we'll be closer!").

If one's idea of Dating means seeing each other on average 1.33 times a week for several months with nothing more than short-lived makeout sessions, and always being isolated from anyone's peers -- yeah, that's not good. That means the person has issues with the opposite sex or dating or themselves. If that's more or less their comfort zone, they can't expect the rest of society to be cool with that... just like someone who wants to spend every day together with someone after the first date shouldn't either.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 117
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/22/2010 6:02:42 AM
In all of these laments, its the underlying idea that some women have that they are doing us men a big favour by engaging in sexual activity. For me, sex is a mutual exchange of pleasures, not about someone "being nice" to me, or "giving in to my urges" or any of the other concepts that make the entire exchange some kind of a business deal. I have sex with a woman because she gets off on the act, and because I get pleasure from the act. If that isn't the situation, then its just not enjoyable. If it is the situation, then both parties have enjoyed the moment, and nothing is lost and nothing is gained. True, its nice if things evolve emotionally, but even if they don't, I have neither stolen anything not been robbed of anything.

What I find hard to fathom is that it appears that many people don't quite grasp the idea that sexual response is an expression of mutual enjoyment, and that where it is lacking, its an indication that mutual enjoyment is not happening for some reason. If you are both not into each other, any sex will be crappy, regardless of your reasons for engaging, and unless your partner is a completely inexperienced dolt, will be completely aware of the fact that you are not into it.

If you are a religious enthusiast or a moral glutton of a self absorbed egotist, you may well have your own rules about when and how sex can and should occur, and if you seek out those who share your views, you can happily follow your chosen route. Nothing wrong at all with all of that. At its essence, however, in the dating world, if there are no sexual vibs on the first date, my view is that any further dates are simply a waste of time and energy. People know within minutes what they will pursue with each other, and that is a phenomenon you have probably been familiar with since early childhood. Some people you like right away, some you just don't, and it does not appear to have much to do with any objective measures.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 119
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/22/2010 6:25:41 AM
What was it about the "Nothing wrong at all about that." that you failed to understand, and translated into condescension?

Where did I say anything about not letting others lead the lives they wish? Where was I condescending? To me, its those that disparage those who do lead lives that involve free sexual expression that are the ones that exude negative attitudes along the lines of "I don't know anyone in a LTR that started with quick sexual activity", or "They all end up with STDs", or any of the other self-justifying myths you can read in this thread.

You want to wait a year and for a ring before you get laid? Go for it! If you don't get laid and don't get a ring, that is something you create. Nothing condescending about any of that.

Personally, I think it would have been nice to marry my High School sweetheart and lived happily ever after in a white house on a hill with a picket fence, 2 kids named****and Jane, a dog named Spot and a tabby cat. Unfortunately, it just turned out to be impossible......
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 122
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/22/2010 9:52:32 AM
I try not to tell others how to live their lives or what is wrong with them as far as relationships are concerned

If you judge yourself as doing 'better' than others, then you are judging others. If you're judging others, you are telling people how they should best live their lives (in that situation).

I basically resent someone saying those things about those of us who might wait longer or do not engage in sex before marriage

If those who wish to "wait" for so long are also saying it's not just isolated to themselves, but it's best for the masses, then yes, they will get criticism or applause.

I don't think you're being a glutton for punishment Fifi, but I think you are taking the I-am-a-better-person-than-others stance on it. Nothing wrong with having that stance on a particular subject, but you best be ready to show how it does make one a better person than others by choosing to do A instead of B (that others do).

In the end, it's a lot like kissing. If someone wants to be "friends first" (virtually literally) and not kiss until having known each other for 2 months -- they're in the same boat as those not wanting to have any intimate sexual relations until an LTR (or more) has formed. If someone were to say "Yeah, may be odd, but that's JUST -my- comfort zone", that's one thing... they'll still be reminded that they'll get no sympathy for things not working out for them and that they are on another planet and of quirks to have, that's an unfortunate one, etc... but if they were to say in not so many words "This is the better thing for people to do", then they're judging and there will be no pulling punches in responses.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 126
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/23/2010 2:55:41 PM
Lotsa ways to go slow. . . . I do, like it, and most of my slow is upfront -- before meeting. The couple of times (from the nets, not meat life) I let it get pushed into early meet/greet: *those* times were the waste. And I learned from them: if there is a "squinchy" feeling that it's being pushed a bit too fast, that is generally because it IS being pushed too fast, for whatever reasons.

Because I live rurally, and meets are actually going to be BIG undertakings, it only makes sense to know ahead of time that you actually LIKE the mind and soul of the peep you are undertaking to meet. That you DO know them pretty well. And yes, it IS possible to know someone very well before meeting. Since I got on the internet in '03, I have had two great relationships with great men (the first died); two *horrible* first meets; and three very good friendships. That's just on the romantic front. I have met and bonded with dozens of political friends from the Howard Dean blog. My best friend in the world is a woman from that blog. I've driven over twelve hours, 16 hours, five hours, one way, for a first meet, and none of them were a waste of time in any sense of that phrase. The one from Canada, we couldn't work out the glitches caused by the laws of the two countries, but the other two took. As I'd had every reason to believe they would. And, ya, if something were to happen to the relationship I'm in now, I *would* try again, along the same lines. . . .

Finally, prolly *nothing* is a real waste of time if you learn something from it. And, Lord, may we never cease learning!

 Grrl NextDoor
Joined: 11/9/2009
Msg: 128
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/26/2010 12:43:40 AM
If I keep dating a guy, that means I am attracted enough to him to have sex with him, and he shouldn't worry that I am still deciding. However, I want more than sex. I want friendship, trust, and loyalty, and those things take longer to assess. If a guy just wants sex, he should drop a girl who is taking "too long." She wants more out of the relationship than he does.

Also, for me personally, I know the minute I start kissing someone who is making me feel good, that clouds my ability to judge if this person can be a good, trustworthy mate. I want a good sex life as much as the next person, but I don't want to get physical with someone then wake up a month later and wonder who they are. Here is the thing; I know that I get emotionally invested once I start getting physical. Maybe lots of people can experiment and then walk away, but for me, it starts some kind of bonding thing, so I have to take my time.

Not that I don't love $100 dinners or anything, but I don't think all of these initial dates should be that costly. Maybe one...lol! But seriously, I would just like to see a slice of the other person's life, not some expensive fake show.
 CheezyChick
Joined: 9/23/2009
Msg: 130
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/27/2010 8:26:34 PM
I wouldn't consider it wasting time if we are enjoying each other? That being said, you would know how I'm feeling about you before the first date ended...
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 133
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Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/28/2010 7:06:18 AM

Instead of looking at someone with the judgmental wariness of a careful shopper, wanting value, avoiding the rip-off, you can claim each moment's supply of love, such as it can be had on the way into knowing someone better. Like a flame you light to see the path, love is what you start with, and then by its light you see where it leads you as you keep loving the person.

^^^Love that.

For some, there is no reason to assume that sex somehow has a different emphasis in a relationship, it’s part of the whole package and is on one’s mind from the moment they lay eyes on the other for the first time.

^^^This will never change for me---completely agree.

I have said it before, when you use sex as a prize, something to be earned or held at bay for another motive, someone is going to hold resentment and someone is going to hold power, to me, that’s an insane way to start a relationship. What it comes down to is, two compatible adults who find each other will do whatever the heck they want to do.


Most of us have probably had sex with someone who lied and maipulated us and after it was all said and done they vanished.

^^^I have never experienced this and tend to think that there is much more of likelihood of this happening if one tends to hold views of sex in dating similar to what you and others who share this view have described, or as Wink has described in the third quote I've listed above.

When you don't tend to see sex in dating this way, or you see sex has as something that can happen fairly early on without a lot of hoops...then one imo, would be far less likely to ever be manipulated because it's something that is equally sought and desired in order to understand compatibility early on---as opposed to something offered up 'finally'...and only after all the hoops have been jumped, the t's crossed and i's dotted. As RG writes,

True, its nice if things evolve emotionally, but even if they don't, I have neither stolen anything not been robbed of anything.

^^^Agree.

Lotsa ways to go slow. . . . I do, like it, and most of my slow is upfront -- before meeting. The couple of times (from the nets, not meat life) I let it get pushed into early meet/greet: *those* times were the waste.

^^^This is exactly my approach. I am always, always slow upfront before meeting---taking time with emails and calls until I want to meet. Once I agree to meet, there is inherent understanding on my part anyway, that I'm interested enough to see where things might take us---and that road sometimes may be to sex fairly early on, because for me sex is part of the compatibility fit with a partner, not separate from it.

Every person is unique in how I will relate to their particular energy and their interest level in me, and vice versa. It's this 'understanding' that will largely determine what happens next between us---Following some script of circumspect dating behavior 'dos and don'ts' which some feel needs to be uniformly applied by rote, has never been part of my MO and never will. For those still counting...I'm #4.

A self-confident and decisive person who is looking for a relationship would trust his/her judgment about someone without wanting to keep his/her options open, in which case, you're going to have sex. If you aren't interested in a relationship, then those two things would imply something else.

^^^Agree.

edited
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 135
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/28/2010 11:54:49 AM
And your time and money will never be wasted so long as you spend it willingly and take it for what it is.

I would say spend it wisely not necessarily just willingly. If you're going to Vegas, there are some games you shouldn't play because the odds are bad (like Keno, ie 'taking it too slow'), and there are some games you can play where the odds are in the best area (like Blackjack, ie going at a normal pace).

I like to take things slowly, meaning at my own pace

That's soo relative, though, and the earth doesn't revolve around you, though. A guy or gal could want sex on the second date -- and think that's taking it slow by always refusing never to do it on the first date. Someone could do that and think "yeah, I go pretty quick". In essence, it should be gauged against what the normal mode of operations are for something good -- that doesn't hinder or hastily squash some potential. Many times that depends on the situation. You may know the person pretty well even before your first 'date', or not at all... or be in particular situations in life where the same process could be seen as 'too quick' or 'too slow' when it'd commonly be within a normal pace.

If the sexual attraction is there I will pursue things further and get to know what kind of man he is. I don't think that's a waste of time.

That has nothing to do with a waste of time or good use of time. That's just the decision to continue things. Something's a waste of time if you are going at a snail pace compared to the rest of the population -- or prevent anything from really forming in most people's minds.

It only takes one kiss figure out if you have chemistry

I disagree. You can figure out if you have chemistry apart from that, and very possibly beforehand. Now, a kiss can help MAIM that chemistry... or enhance it. Same goes with beyond-5th-grade sexual relations.

A lot of times people want to "figure out the person", but really, it's just about their own comfort zone. They've been burned, screwed over, or just hurt by nobody's fault (but still will blame the other person). As a result they take "things" SLLOOOOWWW. Hey, someone should at particular periods of their life, ie when they aren't ready to really date, and they're not really dating... but to be one's Standard Operating Procedure is quite lame.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 136
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/29/2010 1:03:20 PM
Normal pace according to you?

No, as I said -- according to normal human behavior that doesn't hinder things between people in normal states or hastily squash it. It's alot like "normal weight" or "normal shape". Just because people are in different weight classes does not mean they're all acceptable & good.

I think you are missing the point and I don't compare myself to the rest of the population...

And that's what I'm criticizing you about. You don't care about other people or what other people do in this dept. You do in others. You want to know if you have egg on your face, if you're screwing over other people without consciously knowing it, unnecessarily annoying people, or more importantly, holding yourself back. So comparing your wants & desires & results to others & what to expect (what to expect requires observing people in general & general psychology, etc) is good for YOU.

Live life at your own pace and see who wants to come along for the ride.

Pretty self-centered and short-changing yourself at the same time, if your ride totally sucks and you don't care to know how or why. We all change in life -- you mine as well not become addicted to your own present comfort-zone and do things to become aware of things that may or may not be outlandish and potentially holding you back. You may substitute "going about things that way is not right for me" with "I don't feel like doing anything different right now, whether it is good for me or not".

I've been intellectually and emotionally attracted to a man via e-mail and then met him in person and nothing.

I'm not talking about never meeting -- I'm talking about KISSING. Having chemistry doesn't require kissing. Chemistry is a vague term and operates on different levels -- like meshability. Kissing horribly can kill some chemistry -- a deal breaker even though other important levels of chemistry have been proven. Same with fooling around beyond kissing. For some people it doesn't play as much of a role than for others (or different levels of chemistry have different weights). In the end, no, it's not all about just kissing that resolves everything on chemistry. People can be great kissers and a total wife-beater.... a guy could eat you out where you flow like a waterfall at moments notice but be dumb as a doornail that just kills ya in the opposite way (or substitute that with kissing if that grosses ya out). :)

I do agree it's all about the comfort zone.

Exactly. Some folks REALLY take it slow (again in comparison to how humans generally interact in roughly the same environment), because their comfort zone has been shot, but will use excuses like "I want to know them better" -- when really, they just want to be more comfortable around them. A (dating) player is good at making a guy or girl feel comfortable rather quickly, where one who is not a good player at the dating game takes a long while.

Everyone has different temperaments and some like to jump in quickly and some don't...doesn't necessarily make one or the other lame...

Yes, it most certainly can. :) People who take it too slow are lame. Lame, lame, lame. They are taking a lame approach to it all. Now, I'm not going to split hairs or anything, but all in all, if one's 4th date is just a replica of the 1st -- yeah, they're lame. They can cry all night about how "that's just how I am" -- okay, fine. They're lame. :)

If nobody can take a lame approach to their approach, then I guess someone who decides to kiss only after their 10th or 100th date in a normal typical environment is going about things just as healthy & effectively as someone who kisses on the 1st or 2nd evening date.
 CheezyChick
Joined: 9/23/2009
Msg: 138
Taking things slowly vs. wasting time
Posted: 12/29/2010 10:29:13 PM
Wow, bonus...(3) Three of whom I enjoy and belive to be the most smartypant'est men in these forums, on the same page? ! Woot!

On topic: I still don't understand how one can be wasting their time? Ultimately we all choose where and with whom we want to be? If in fact we are wasting our time, then it is our's to waste and our choice to do so...
As far as taking it slow...this is very subjective. Taking it slow to one may be only a kiss on the first date, where to another it may mean refraining from doing the funky chicken....
I personally tend to take the fast lane and hardly ever waste my time in getting there...

edit: wait?! (4) Four!
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