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 AintNoDeal
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 27
Can Men continue to be friends with Women if they are not dating?Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

A few women you know or the world over women are dumber than a box of rocks and think/say that all people they meet for a few mins and talk to a few seconds are their friends? I don't know about other women but for me that's quite the generalizing insult.


It's not about how smart the women are. It's about how men/women use the same words and mean different things. Women are more apt to say "my friend I met on the bus said such and such" whereas a man is more apt to say "some jerk I met on the bus had the nerve to say such and such".

When men hear "friend" we think "FRIEND", not someone we'd call a jerk that you only talked to for a moment. Similarly, a woman would wonder WHY you'd talk to a guy on a bus if you thought he was a jerk?

So when an Ex says "Let's be friends", by the guy is thinking "WTF are you talking about, because I know you don't mean FRIENDS, you mean something ELSE, you just like to say FRIEND because you think it sounds nice."

At this point the guy just says "No" and walk away because it's easier.
 LinuxD
Joined: 12/6/2008
Msg: 28
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Can Men continue to be friends with Women if they are not dating?
Posted: 12/24/2010 6:26:47 PM
I think it depends. if for instance it's just not working and there is openess and honesty in the communication,yes it is possible for men and women who have dated to remain friends,as the intentions are clear and well understood.
Has happened with me and I have no problem being her friend.

BUT. As was the case with the last SO.. She decided on her own that it wasn't working yet played a game of charades as she convinced herself that "You can't force love" and was mentally prepared to bail.She was alright with the choice she made and left my ass swinging in the breeze trying to figure out WTH happened. It caught me blindsided. She was good. There was NO "US".
SHE decided for ME what the outcome would be.
She never thought in a mutual way. It was about her.
In that scenario her offer of "friends" was a slap in the face.

No contact,get outta my life, buh bye.

I have many female friends ,some of whom are very nice looking women. I am not attracted to them in the least in a sexual manner.They are my friends and I have the utmost respect for them as individuals. It all depends on the dynamics of the relationship.

I'd no more be buddies with a man who was devious and out for his own best interest than i would the gal in scenario #2.

If it is NOT mutually beneficial and agreed upon with openess and honesty there is not a chance in hell.
 Dan99993
Joined: 11/29/2010
Msg: 29
Can Men continue to be friends with Women if they are not dating?
Posted: 12/24/2010 7:08:20 PM
Men can be friends with a lot of women, but if they started out wanting sex or romance, they may have, initially, difficulty changing to friends. But it can be done.

One thing though. Some say that men like to fvck any attractive woman they know, even friends. That may be true, and I don't know how that changes the fact that they can still be friends.
You can certainly find someone attractive, but not necessarily feel like being in a relationship with them, have sex now and then, and still be friends. It doesn't have to be 100% platonic. It may be easier for men to do...

I know I could go out with a girl, as in go to restaurants, movies, etc just to go out, we're friends, and there might be the odd or occasional sex.
I find it strange how people use the word friend to describe non-sexual relation, as if having sex negated friendship.
 mrnick30
Joined: 7/20/2009
Msg: 32
Can Men continue to be friends with Women if they are not dating?
Posted: 12/24/2010 11:10:39 PM
It is very possible...I have become really good friends with a girl I dated about two years ago...we went on 3 dates...realized there was nothing there as far as us being a couple...but we got along well...enjoyed hanging out...and we have become very good friends......I believe guys can be friends with women without a problem...I have 7 good friends that are females....I started seeing someone now...and I flatout told her I have female friends, and she doesn't need to feel threaten at all by them...I have bought her around them as well....with no issues...

-Nick
 inanna44
Joined: 11/22/2010
Msg: 33
Can Men continue to be friends with Women if they are not dating?
Posted: 12/25/2010 12:37:23 AM
sure, lots of people have poor gender boundaries and keep all types of inappropriate liasons. and t.v. shows like "friends" have clearly mislead the masses.

opposite sex friendships have sexual undercurrents whether you choose to acknowledge or deny that fact. i've yet to have a male friend that didn't want to date or have sex with me that wasn't gay.

is it fair to keep them around when i have a partner? only if my partner wants to hang out with them is my rule.
 Slim1023
Joined: 3/5/2010
Msg: 34
Can Men continue to be friends with Women if they are not dating?
Posted: 12/25/2010 4:23:38 AM
I don't completely agree with it, but the Ladder Theory has a lot of truth in it concerning the dynamics of relationships.

www.laddertheory.com
 Dan99993
Joined: 11/29/2010
Msg: 35
Can Men continue to be friends with Women if they are not dating?
Posted: 12/25/2010 6:00:35 AM

You wouldnt shag a friend the same sex as yourself so why the hell class a female fk buddie as just a friend ?


Because my definition of friendship is being trustworthy, loyal, someone you can depend on. A lot of people here when they say friends, they just mean a hang out buddy or a person you can meet just for conversation, etc....

Therefore, I can be friends with a woman and if she needs or wants, occasionally, sex, I'll give it to her. We're still friends.

The thing is I don't agree with making the odd (not in a relationship) sex acts such a big deal that it would require a special classification.
We're not **** buddies, we're friends who may occasionally have sex.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 36
Can Men continue to be friends with Women if they are not dating?
Posted: 12/25/2010 7:15:08 AM

but men & women as "friends" comes pre-loaded with a lot of caveats and there's no way around it.


This is the problem of taking a personal "truth" and applying it across the board to everyone. There doesn't have to be a "way around" what you call preloaded caveats: I have male friends and there are no caveats to our friendships. There have never been sexual overtures or undercurrents.



Therefore, I can be friends with a woman and if she needs or wants, occasionally, sex, I'll give it to her. We're still friends.


You make it sound like a duty to "give" sex to these women friends.

However, you establish a point: for some people, sex is sex. Many women, and men, consider sex more than just a physical act--it is a commitment. When people get over this idea and BOTH parties understand that sometimes, sex is just sex, there is no problem of sex between friends.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 37
Can Men continue to be friends with Women if they are not dating?
Posted: 12/25/2010 7:57:22 AM

What happens when she wont deliver ?

Sounds like he's the one delivering here. Not sure where you got a different impression. Sometimes women want and men put out, you know...it's not always the other way around.
 Dan99993
Joined: 11/29/2010
Msg: 38
Can Men continue to be friends with Women if they are not dating?
Posted: 12/25/2010 8:19:14 AM
You make it sound like a duty to "give" sex to these women friends.


That's not what I meant. Just that if they asked - assuming I'm single - I'd be happy to.



I am not going to bang my head against a wall as your definitions of trustworthy, loyalty and dependability are all very different to mine. I cant see how you could live up to those standards if you have more than one female friend.


Uhmm, first as one person put it, sex is just sex sometimes. What is this idea that I am not a friend if I had sex with more than one friend? We're not in relationships.
But my point was that sex - unattached - is not incompatible with being friends. It's like a service. Like if a woman needs me to water her plants. No big deal
If I had a girlfriend I'd stop at that. But otherwise, I'm there for a friend. Not always mind you. If I feel there's a reason to avoid sex with them, I'll avoid it but not simply on the basis that friendships with the opposite sex *have* to be platonic??

And no, I was the one servicing, and if the woman doesn't want to, I don't mind. I'm not with her for sex, I'm her friend.
Very simple.
But if one day - 6 months down the road - she comes up to me and says 'Dan, would you mind keeping me company tonight, I know you're single, and it's been a long time for me..." well, I'd oblige for a friend.
 mn400
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 39
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Can Men continue to be friends with Women if they are not dating?
Posted: 12/25/2010 11:01:04 AM
I had (emphasis on past tense) a guy that was my friend. We enjoyed several of the same activities.He wanted more and I wasn't interested-said so all along. He kept insisting I would change my mind-to the point of telling everyone in our social circle to stay away from me-he was in love with me.
I had a family tragedy/ emergency and as my friend he was there for me. While in a weakened state of mind I let the friendship become more-(Please don't blast me for that-being honest here). After 1 1/2 years of my trying to feel that lovin feelin, being honest about not feelin it all along, and essentially being told I needed therapy because there was something wrong with not feelin it, I left him. A year later I still miss my friend and our blended adult children/ combined family unit, especially around the holidays,but no way to be just friends.

I have other guy friends but as pointed out on other posts-more casual relationships. They have lasted years simply because no huge physical attraction on eithers part. They ebb and flow depending on if either of us are seriously dating someone-Serious Relationships take lots of time. If it's a romantic one it takes presidence over friendship as it should..

My thoughts now: Proceed with caution-if either has really strong romantic feelings someone or both are going to get hurt.
 builderific
Joined: 12/22/2010
Msg: 40
Can Men continue to be friends with Women if they are not dating?
Posted: 12/25/2010 3:21:56 PM
I agree that a lasting relationship must have great friendship. But my best friend is a very wonderful and beautiful woman! And we are COMPLETELY platonic! Sometimes two people can click as friends but have no other "chemistry".... Besides guys, here is a hint! A woman that is just your friend can be your greatest ally when searching for a relationship! They can tell you a lot you would completely miss otherwise!
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 41
Can Men continue to be friends with Women if they are not dating?
Posted: 12/25/2010 4:11:01 PM
sure people can be friends or whatever but if one has more feeling than the other the other might want more and sometimes you just to cut off the people that want more than a friendship after you told them you want just a mutual friendship.
 Dan99993
Joined: 11/29/2010
Msg: 42
Can Men continue to be friends with Women if they are not dating?
Posted: 12/25/2010 4:41:43 PM
@ V3ctra Wow, you don't get what I'm saying at all.

I don't know if it's worth re-explaining...



In your situation i wouldnt call them friends no matter if it was me or her or both of us wanting to screw.
(...)

WHY ? She's just a friend right ? So why dont you just explain it to your girlfriend like you do here ?
Of course ...you can ignore the questions you have no answer for again if you wish. But i assure you that it didnt go unnoticed. Your ommisions say more than your posts.

(...)

Sooo...Whats a stud muffin like yourself doing on a dating site anyway.?


1. What situation? I'm single, plus no FWB. I was stating my opinions. Not describing my life.
2. Again what girlfriend (was that just a hypothetical example) nor in a FWB either..
3. Ignore questions? Me? Where do you get that?
4. What omissions?
5. And yes, sex can be just sex. You have rigid ideas on the subject. But things aren't always that simple.....
6. Stud muffin? Thank you, but I'm single. Cheating on no one. And interested only in someone I would really like. If you get the impression I'm having sex with half the planet, or would love to, you didn't understand anything I talked about..
but withholding sex merely because we're 'friends' is... stupid. It may even be inconsiderate in certain circumstances.

You're awfully judgmental (read: wrong) and insulting.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 43
Can Men continue to be friends with Women if they are not dating?
Posted: 12/25/2010 5:11:10 PM
to V3ctra: First, you say that you are not into "casual" sex. To make sure that I understood the meaning of "casual," I looked it up on dictionary.com


1.
happening by chance; fortuitous: a casual meeting.
2.
without definite or serious intention; careless or offhand; passing: a casual remark.
3.
seeming or tending to be indifferent to what is happening; apathetic; unconcerned: a casual, nonchalant air.
4.
appropriate for wear or use on informal occasions; not dressy: casual clothes; casual wear.
5.
irregular; occasional: a casual visitor.
6.
accidental: a casual mishap.


I suppose that you have planned, formal, sex with serious and definite intentions.


Sex is never just sex. Sex is hot steamy sweaty and dirty if you do it right.


Now, you are telling other people what sex "is"--do you think we don't know that sex is hot, steamy, etc? To have sex for the sake of having sex doesn't take away the steamy aspects; in fact, it can add to it.

And dirty? How is sex dirty? Methinks you might have the Christianized idea that sex is only for married people and even then, it retains a bit of shame.

Dan99993 wrote to V3ctra:
You have rigid ideas on the subject. But things aren't always that simple.....
and
You're awfully judgmental (read: wrong) and insulting.


Many people have rigid ideas about sex that translates into missionary position.

To the second half of the quote I add: and condescending!
 tie_me_up81
Joined: 3/30/2010
Msg: 44
Can Men continue to be friends with Women if they are not dating?
Posted: 12/25/2010 9:44:20 PM
If many women stopped being bigots towards male sexuality, wouldn't things be less complicated? As much as female sexuality may be slammed as for using the label "slut" or whatever, I seem to think male sexuality is more so slammed at this day and age. Male sexuality has a more so dirty name than female sexuality
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 47
Can Men continue to be friends with Women if they are not dating?
Posted: 12/25/2010 11:27:26 PM

A buddy of mine stated to me that "Men can't be friends with Women if they're not dating one another... either one or the other is going to want more out of the friendship that the other won't be willing to give, because they've laid the friend card out".

My best friend is a very attractive escort. We've never had sex and neither of us would want to change that. Our relationship is more like brother and sister.

Now looking at this logic, doesn't a LASTING relationship start with being friends with one another??

Only by an abuse of the meaning of friends. My fiancee is different from a friend. I am sexually interested in my fiancee. We could have been friends if I had been in a relationship with someone else when we met, but I wasn't and in any case, once she became my girlfriend and then fiancee, ``going back'' is not an option. If she ceases to be my fiancee/wife, then she ceases to be anything.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 48
Can Men continue to be friends with Women if they are not dating?
Posted: 12/25/2010 11:41:34 PM
I think not. It makes no sense for a man and woman to part on friendly terms, because if they were on friendly terms they wouldn't part.
 nanj63
Joined: 5/7/2010
Msg: 49
Can Men continue to be friends with Women if they are not dating?
Posted: 12/26/2010 12:55:40 AM
I've been friends with lots of men with whom I've either had or not had a romantic relationship. BUT, when you get into the next serious relationship, those platonic 'friendships' just have to go. It's not fair to the man to whom you're truly dedicated to share your thoughts, fears, dreams, etc. with a "platonic" instead of sharing those intimate moments with your man. So, yeah. I do believe that men and women can be friends, but only to a certain point. When the "real one" comes along, the others need to fade. Right or wrong, it's just the way it is.
 kari135
Joined: 9/1/2009
Msg: 51
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Can Men continue to be friends with Women if they are not dating?
Posted: 12/26/2010 6:53:52 AM

I think not. It makes no sense for a man and woman to part on friendly terms, because if they were on friendly terms they wouldn't part.

There are a lot of reasons a man and woman can part that have no bearing on whether or not they are on friendly terms, and there'd be no reason for them not to stay friends. I will say, however, it's probably more likely that a pair who break up will not remain friends in a larger urban area than in a smaller, more isolated area. In a larger city, it's easy to be in other places never even running into each other. In a small place, if you don't remain on friendly terms to at least some extent, sooner or later you're going to run out of people to socialize with.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 52
Can Men continue to be friends with Women if they are not dating?
Posted: 12/26/2010 8:24:03 AM

I think not. It makes no sense for a man and woman to part on friendly terms, because if they were on friendly terms they wouldn't part.


This is a logical fallacy.

People in friendships might part on unfriendly terms because they had a fight, or perhaps they just drift away. The drift is not unfriendly, but often based on changing dynamics, physical moves, evolving interests going in different directions.

In a dating scenario, people can also part without without animosity. It can be the same reason why platonic friends part.

In one of my cases, I dated a man for three months. We enjoyed each other's company in many ways, but we both knew that it would turn into anything VERY serious for several reasons. When an old flame made contact with me, the man whom I was dating told me to "go for it" because he knew I still had feelings for the old boyfriend.

Today, the guy I was dating is in a happy relationship with a woman who is now my friend, as well. The old flame and I are back together for the fourth time. I think it will "stick" this time.

If it doesn't work out this time, I will not be friends with him, but the scenario is different. Each case, each relationship, each friendship is different. Few things are so simple that a "one size fits all" works.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 53
Can Men continue to be friends with Women if they are not dating?
Posted: 12/26/2010 8:45:11 AM

I think not. It makes no sense for a man and woman to part on friendly terms, because if they were on friendly terms they wouldn't part.

For some, life isn't this black and white. You CAN date someone, mutually decide that you enjoy each other's company but getting involved seriously isn't the best idea for either of you, discontinue dating and remain friends. Imagine!
 Dan99993
Joined: 11/29/2010
Msg: 54
Can Men continue to be friends with Women if they are not dating?
Posted: 12/26/2010 9:14:52 AM
^^^hey whoa, that's too many of you on one page saying it ain't black and white

we're on the road to perversion
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 55
Can Men continue to be friends with Women if they are not dating?
Posted: 12/26/2010 9:15:25 AM
For some, life isn't this black and white. You CAN date someone, mutually decide that you enjoy each other's company but getting involved seriously isn't the best idea for either of you, discontinue dating and remain friends. Imagine!


I'm not referring to people I dated and didn't get serious with. I'm with Abelian on this one---once they are no longer my husband/partner/fiancee, they are no longer anything. Once I close a door, I don't reopen it.

I believe keeping an ex around makes it difficult to move on and rebuild your life. Sometimes a clean break is needed, where you decide it's better to have the good memories---rather than getting angry with each other through the difficulties of trying to remain friends.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 56
Can Men continue to be friends with Women if they are not dating?
Posted: 12/26/2010 9:26:42 AM
^^^^Agreed that SOME cannot move on if talking to an ex. However I only believe it's really an issue if one or both haven't moved on and can't accept that...and that's a topic for another thread. Some break up and never speak again - that's their choice. It doesn't mean however, that those who break up, get past it and continue to talk can't do so and move on without a problem.

Again the world is full of people who are all very different about what they can and can't do or handle. So while I can stay friendly with an ex and still meet and date new people, some can't or won't - and I don't think they are wrong because they don't follow my way of doing things.
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