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 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 45
First meet, am I being unrealistic?Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
One of the biggest problem I see with pof, is that some people continue to look for bigger & better fish & never leave the pond. I don't want to be that person & yes I know that because I might connect with someone at a first meet it doesn't mean that he is necessarily 'the one' but I think focusing on one person that there is a mutual attraction with isn't a bad thing either.

One thing I figured out quickly was that if you want to meet people who have a mindset similar to your own and you want to know that everyone's on the same page about what dating means, you need to spell it out before you ever meet, preferrably in your profile. People on the forums have said my expectations were a little strange, but when it came to actually meeting people and dating, I found lots of women who expected the same thing and it worked for me. I was never confused about what was going on with someone I met, unlike the people who start the zillions of threads here about that very thing, so I disagree with any notion that one should just hang loose and leave things to fate or whimsy.

In real life, I've never had to deal with women wanting to date other guys and it was always clear that dating was exclusive from the start without having to say anything, by virtue of the situation and knowing the person. Here, you have to spell that sort of expectation out if that's what you're used to. Despite protestations to the contrary, people have sex fairly quickly. You may not, but the guys you meet (or gals for the guys) probably are if you aren't the only person they're dating. If that bothers you, you need to straighten that out up front, not cut people slack, accept what you get and get over it.

Tell people who you are and what you want in your profile and you'll attract the right people. By that, I don't mean telling people you like skiing and you're looking for an honest guy with a big heart or whatever. I mean put some thought into writing something that's interesting to read, gives people a sense of who you are by how you write and skip the cliche bullshit. Make sure the people you meet are clear about what you expect if there's going to be a second date before you ever get to the first.

I didn't have a grass is greener mentality and I made it clear that I wasn't insterested in a relationship with one of those people because I forced women to be decisive and date me on my terms. My terms also seemed to terms lots of women expected, but perhaps were hesitant to state in their profiles. Just because other people feel helpless in getting any assurance about what's going on with people they meet and date when dating online, doesn't mean you have to settle for being at the mercy and whims of anyone who wants to meet you or date you.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 47
view profile
History
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/15/2011 10:50:31 AM
Yes, you are being a drama queen. And insecure. Both are real relationship killers.

You've met one time and already you want to get exclusive?

You're already threatened by him meeting another woman?

Why did he even tell you? I don't tell guys I just met what I'm up to. What I do when they aren't around is not their business and vice versa. It just doesn't make sense. I do not get exclusive after only a first meeting. If I met someone who knocked my socks off (which hasn't happened) I might lose interest in seeing anyone else. Would I follow through with another, already planned date with someone else? I don't know, it hasn't happened, but I don't think it's bad or good either way.

I disagree with those who said it was big of him to be honest with you. I think it was unnecessary though I won't condemn him for it. He doesn't owe you his Saturday night after one meeting. He can just say, "I'm busy over the weekend but how about we get together again next Monday evening?" 'Nuf said.

I don't equate "dating" with "sleeping with." If I meet someone or go out on a few dates, I'm checking them out to see if I want to know them further and I assume that's what they're doing with me. It's not about sleeping around.

Chill out, girl. Relax. You'll live longer and so will your relationships.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 48
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/15/2011 11:00:09 AM
^^^Agreed.

Why did he even tell you? I don't even tell guys what I'm up to. What I do when they aren't around is not their business and vice versa. It just doesn't make sense.

Specifically, I was thinking the same thing. It's a given that in the beginning both are probably talking to and/or meeting others. Mentioning it doesn't change much. I'm not sure either why he felt the need to volunteer information that's not out of the ordinary.
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 49
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/15/2011 1:43:44 PM
Maybe he was feeding his ego by telling her that he had someone else on a string or bragging. It would not have impressed me a bit.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 52
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/15/2011 11:46:31 PM
I guess I would have to say you're just being a 'drama queen' OP.

Several people have noted you are 'separated' - so you seemingly aren't motivated to make a decision to *end* your own marriage, yet you want *him* to be committing to you right away. Pot, meet kettle?

Quite honestly, I'd look at is at: He told you the truth, he's been talking with someone else - he's not trying to hide it from you... *and*, since he already made plans with her he wants to keep that plan and meet her, rather than just blowing her off - to me a good sign that he follows through on what he says, honors his commitments if you will.

You sound like you're putting too many expectations after just a first meet. You felt some chemistry, chances are if *he* didn't feel some of the same he wouldn't have told you about this other 'meet' and you wouldn't have a chance of another date.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 53
view profile
History
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/16/2011 12:33:18 AM

I think probably we all do this at first, I know I did. I'd just seperated from my 4th husband, when I came across an ad for a dating site, in my email. I am so shy that I knew meeting people was going to be a HUGE problem, so I decided to give it a try. My first weekend after joining POF, I went on 8 dates! But I soon realized that I needed to slow down & take more time in determining what/who I was really looking for.


4 husbands, then 8 dates in one weekend, and now engaged...that's being a shy person?
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 57
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/17/2011 10:54:08 AM
I don't equate "dating" with "sleeping with."

That doesn't mean you can assume that someone you're dating won't be sleeping with everyone but you. You're missing the point if you think that assumption is based on what you do personally. That is what you should assume about people you date, since you really have no idea what the person you are dating does except on your dates with him.

I totally disagree with you on this one. Unless of course you mean in your own life, then it is not my place to agree or disagree.

I do mean in my own life and as I also stated, the reason for that is because without some assurance of exclusivity, I have no reason to believe anyone I'd date is not sleeping with everyone else she's dating. If you don't have a problem ending up in a relationship with a guy who is sleeping with other women (or even everyone but you) while you're dating him up until you have some awkward chit-chat about exclusivity, then ok. I can understand why you'd disagree with me.

This is why I go out on many dates and every single guy knows that I am keeping my options open and so should he.

So, if you both are keeping your options open and he's sleeping with his options, does that matter to you? The rules you've laid out for dating leave you totally in the dark about that.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 58
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/17/2011 11:40:13 AM

That doesn't mean you can assume that someone you're dating won't be sleeping with everyone but you. You're missing the point if you think that assumption is based on what you do personally. That is what you should assume about people you date, since you really have no idea what the person you are dating does except on your dates with him.

Agreed. Always assume that anyone you meet and date early on is probably sleeping with someone, as they are single. That's their right and that's their business. Agreed also that the fact that a person chooses celibacy between relationships is a personal choice that shouldn't be projected onto others.

So, if you both are keeping your options open and he's sleeping with his options, does that matter to you? The rules you've laid out for dating leave you totally in the dark about that.

Exactly. It shouldn't matter, as people are free to do what they want between exclusive relationships so long as it doesn't affect anyone else. It shouldn't be a shock that someone who's single, talking to people and dating may be sleeping with someone they are in an arrangement with, or with someone they are casually dating. Once you are dating them seriously and are exclusive, that's the time what you and what they do matters.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 59
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/17/2011 1:48:52 PM

Exactly. It shouldn't matter, as people are free to do what they want between exclusive relationships so long as it doesn't affect anyone else.

I'm sure you and a couple of others on here understand that and accept it as part of the deal, but I also think quite a few others think that because they want to keep their options open and because they remain celibate while doing so, means that they expect those they date to do the same, by default. I'm not sure what you mean by ``as long as it doesn't affect anyone else.'' If I'm single and I have no obligation to tell my dates what I'm doing with any other dates, then what I'm doing is irrelevant to anyone but me and the person with whom I'm doing it. If I'm dating 5 women, sleeping with 3 of them and none of the 5 women think it's their business to ask me about anyone else I'm dating (probably because they think it's none of my business to ask them about anyone they may be dating), what I'm doing doesn't affect them by virtue of their wishes.

On the other hand, if I had to do it over again, most of the women (you not being one of them) who prefer to keep their options open would also have no valid complaint about me deciding in advance that a relationship was out with anyone who would date me while keeping her options open, but not actually mentioning that fact until they brought up the subject of a relationship. If they aren't obligated to tell me anything and don't want to know anything, I can't see why not telling them they aren't candidates for a relationship, until they bring it up, is unethical.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 60
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/17/2011 10:10:04 PM
My rules on mutiple dating and dating exclusively from the start were that dating women who were multiple daters was strictly about sex and by default, excluded any possibility of committment. The possibility for a committed relationship meant dating exclusively from the start. As of today, my fiancee and I have been together 1 year and 8 months and this relationship is the second longest I've ever had and it's the only relationship I've had in which I've gotten as far as buying an engagement ring.


Entering into an immediate exclusive relationship with the first promising prospect that comes along without also dating others makes about as much sense to me as buying the first new car I test drive---without test driving a few other cars as well. No matter how beautiful the car is, or how smooth the ride, or how great its features, I wouldn't buy it until I compared it with other similar models. The relationship you enjoy with your fiancee is due to nothing more than sheer luck. It doesn't serve as any kind of testament to the idea of immediate exclusivity being more successful than multi-dating prior to exclusivity.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 61
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/18/2011 2:44:19 AM
Entering into an immediate exclusive relationship with the first promising prospect that comes along without also dating others makes about as much sense to me as buying the first new car I test drive---without test driving a few other cars as well.

I'm not sure why that analogy makes any sense at all. Agreeing to date exclusively doesn't mean agreeing to date even until next week. It means if one of us bails out next week, we haven't dated anyone else for a week. In terms of your car analogy, it's equivalent to taking a car home and promising the dealer you won't shop for another car unless you don't like the one you took home and you bring it back.

The relationship you enjoy with your fiancee is due to nothing more than sheer luck.

Meeting my fiancee was luck. The relationship I enjoy with her is because I ensured that we started dating in a way that eliminated an absolute deal breaker for a relationship. I won't get into a relationship with a woman who is sleeping with anyone else once we meet. If it happens even once, it's a deal breaker. If a woman wants to multi-date, then I'm going to assume she's sleeping with at least one person she's dating. I really don't care if she is or isn't because I have no way of knowing and it's not my business to ask. Assuming she's not is just wishful thinking. My fiancee had been on pof less than 1 month before she contacted me, she listed herself under Talk/Email and had met one person who she had no interest in seeing again, much less dating. She wasn't dating anyone else, so what did she have to lose by dating me a few times and not dating anyone else for a week or two?

It doesn't serve as any kind of testament to the idea of immediate exclusivity being more successful than multi-dating prior to exclusivity.

That's true if you have no objection to getting into a relationship with someone who might be sleeping with other people up until you agree to an exclusive relationship and who has no obligation to tell you anything about it. In that case, I wouldn't assert that immediate exclusivity is more successful than multi-dating. If getting into a relationship with someone who might be sleeping with other people and not telling you about it bothers you, then multi-dating isn't the way to go. My impression is that a lot of people want it both ways. In my opinion, wanting to keep your options open AND expecting any of your options to remain celibate until agreeing to an exclusive relationship is the only strategy that makes no sense. If you are likely to sleep with someone in fewer than about 4 dates and aren't going to sleep with several of the people you're dating, I can't really see any advantage at all to multi-dating at all.
 MarriedMommy
Joined: 10/3/2010
Msg: 62
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/18/2011 7:24:04 AM
If you are still married then you need to get your divorce finalized before moving forward with another man is my opinion.

What happens if you and this guy do end up really hitting it off and one day you decide to get married? You need to make your divorce final.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 63
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/18/2011 7:55:20 AM
Entering into an immediate exclusive relationship with the first promising prospect that comes along without also dating others makes about as much sense to me as buying the first new car I test drive---without test driving a few other cars as well.


I'm not sure why that analogy makes any sense at all. Agreeing to date exclusively doesn't mean agreeing to date even until next week. It means if one of us bails out next week, we haven't dated anyone else for a week.


That's precisely why one shouldn't put all their dating eggs in one basket. After one of you "bails out" there are no prospects around to take the person's place because once you've informed the others you've started seeing someone exclusively, they have already moved on.


In terms of your car analogy, it's equivalent to taking a car home and promising the dealer you won't shop for another car unless you don't like the one you took home and you bring it back.


I've never heard of a car dealership that allows that. It has always been my understanding that once you've purchased the car and driven it off the lot, it has already depreciated in value, and you're obligated to make the payments.


If a woman wants to multi-date, then I'm going to assume she's sleeping with at least one person she's dating.


That's an erroneous assumption to make. Many women don't sleep with a man until they are in an exclusive relationship with him. I didn't sleep with anyone while I was multi-dating, including the man I am now exclusive with.


I really don't care if she is or isn't because I have no way of knowing and it's not my business to ask.


It is your business and you have every right to ask someone you have been dating regularly if they are involved with anyone else.


If getting into a relationship with someone who might be sleeping with other people and not telling you about it bothers you, then multi-dating isn't the way to go.


I don't base my dating decisions on assumptions as to what someone might be doing---I ask them first. If one is that suspicious about what other people might be doing, then maybe that person shouldn't be dating at all. There are no guarantees in life.


My impression is that a lot of people want it both ways. In my opinion, wanting to keep your options open AND expecting any of your options to remain celibate until agreeing to an exclusive relationship is the only strategy that makes no sense.


I agree that some people do want it both ways, but I wouldn't say that a lot of them do. Personally, I don't care who a man sleeps with until he makes the decision to be exclusive with me---because I'm not going to be sleeping with him.


If you are likely to sleep with someone in fewer than about 4 dates and aren't going to sleep with several of the people you're dating, I can't really see any advantage at all to multi-dating at all.


That's not going to be an issue with me because I don't sleep with someone in fewer than four dates. I've always had plenty of dating options and I've simply never been that needy for physical companionship.
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 64
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/18/2011 9:10:59 AM
First of all Max. Madara, and carol ann and a few others are spot on..


Just had a 'first meet' with someone i've been corresponding with & bang, seems to be a match. I have had a few first meets & have come to realize that the chance of both parties having so much in common, as well as a mutual attraction is rare. So as the night came to an end, we discussed getting together on Sat night. He hesitated, so I suggested he get back to me the next day about it.


It "seemed" to be a match to you, not so much with him or he would have asked you out again right then."he hesitated" So I assume YOU brought it up first or sounded SO available he may as well check his options..
Just tell a guy you meet and really like that you enjoyed meeting him and had a great time and hopes he will "call again".PERIOD.


When we arrived home, we chatted on the phone a bit & he told me that the reason he hesitated, was because he was chatting with another gal & had planned to meet with her on Sat


You pushed. Did you call him?
OP..People talk to more than one person at a time in most cases online and some even IRL...
Don't shove yourself down their throat or put them on the spot to meet again so soon..Let the man take the initiative , just let him know you are open to it.


I can't help but feel that if he follows through with the meet, then I become one of two things...
1) I'm the gal that gets tossed to the curb because he likes her better or,
2) I'm the consolation prize because the other meet didn't go as well as he hoped.
So that's it. Am I being a 'drama queen'?


"If he follows through with the meet".Again sounds like you cornered him and pushed to me.

He can't toss someone to the curb that was never on it.

SO WHAT??I mean really..what have you invested in him?

You should not have pushed, and he should not have told you he had another date..
He could have just said.He had plans for whatever night you were asking about if he intended on giving you a second date .

So me thinks you are not THE ONE for him..Therefore he mentioned the other woman.


Forget about it. If he calls, he calls..if not..oh well.

Me thinks he already met her..They "shebanged " or impressed him more and got the upper hand.

Doesn't really matter though does it??
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 65
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/18/2011 12:02:14 PM

After one of you "bails out" there are no prospects around to take the person's place because once you've informed the others you've started seeing someone exclusively, they have already moved on.

In practice, that isn't a problem, unless it takes you six months to decide whether to go from casual dating to exclusive dating.

I've never heard of a car dealership that allows that.

It was your idea to use the car analogy. I'm sorry if the correct analogy doesn't actually exist in the car world, but since that seems to be a problem for you, just skip the analogies.

That's an erroneous assumption to make.

It's the only assumption that's logical, given that I have no agreement to be exclusive and in lieu of that, you have no obligation to not sleep with anyone else you're dating.

Many women don't sleep with a man until they are in an exclusive relationship with him.

I'm sorry, but I'm not clairvoyant. Is there a way less paranormal way to identify these many women?

I didn't sleep with anyone while I was multi-dating, including the man I am now exclusive with.

And? If either of you did sleep around while you still ``multi-dating,'' you weren't promising to date each other exclusively and I assume you didn't agree to anything that might be construed as exclusivity, like telling your options what options they had with their options.

If one is that suspicious about what other people might be doing, then maybe that person shouldn't be dating at all.

Right. That's why I imposed the constraints I imposed. That eliminated the deal breakers that would bother me.

There are no guarantees in life.

Also correct, but you'll never get anything you don't ask for, either.

It is your business and you have every right to ask someone you have been dating regularly if they are involved with anyone else.

It is? I thought multi dating meant something like dating several people at the same time and not being nosy about who does what with whom unless you're the who or whom. I guess I'd say, ``Why, I'm dating a few other women. You haven't said anything about dating exclusively.'' That doesn't seem like a very useful answer, but asking about the details would sort of be antithetical to the concept of multi-dating.

I agree that some people do want it both ways, but I wouldn't say that a lot of them do.

If by that, you mean the women posting to this thread, I'd say WIP is the only shoe-in for someone who doesn't expect to get it both ways. But, I knew that long before this thread was ever posted. Everyone who thinks that, ``But, I don't sleep with anyone outside of an exclusive relationship,'' seems to be missing the point. It doesn't matter. You haven't agreed to exclusivity and neither have the guys you're dating.

Personally, I don't care who a man sleeps with until he makes the decision to be exclusive with me---because I'm not going to be sleeping with him.

I'm not sure I understand. Do you mean to say you won't ever be in a relationship with a man who sleeps around or that you don't care if he does as long as he stops when you have a chat about not dating anyone else? The latter, I understand. The former is just bizarre.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 67
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/18/2011 6:28:52 PM

I'm sure you and a couple of others on here understand that and accept it as part of the deal, but I also think quite a few others think that because they want to keep their options open and because they remain celibate while doing so, means that they expect those they date to do the same, by default. I'm not sure what you mean by ``as long as it doesn't affect anyone else.'' If I'm single and I have no obligation to tell my dates what I'm doing with any other dates, then what I'm doing is irrelevant to anyone but me and the person with whom I'm doing it. If I'm dating 5 women, sleeping with 3 of them and none of the 5 women think it's their business to ask me about anyone else I'm dating (probably because they think it's none of my business to ask them about anyone they may be dating), what I'm doing doesn't affect them by virtue of their wishes.

What I mean is, will it someday affect them personally, as in, are you practicing safe sex? Will one of your exes someday cause her grief? That type thing where it becomes a physical hassle for a future SO. If you are careful, safe, drama free about your stuff and it won't cause a very real threat to a future SO, then it's totally your business and not something a girl you're not that serious with needs to know.

On the other hand, if I had to do it over again, most of the women (you not being one of them) who prefer to keep their options open would also have no valid complaint about me deciding in advance that a relationship was out with anyone who would date me while keeping her options open, but not actually mentioning that fact until they brought up the subject of a relationship. If they aren't obligated to tell me anything and don't want to know anything, I can't see why not telling them they aren't candidates for a relationship, until they bring it up, is unethical.

Unless/until a relationship is a possibility all that goes on before it IS personal business for each person unless they choose to share it, so if one is not considering the other for a relationship regardless of the reason - then I agree everything is pretty much on a need to know basis for both involved.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 68
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/18/2011 6:34:47 PM
In practice, that isn't a problem, unless it takes you six months to decide whether to go from casual dating to exclusive dating.


In practice, losing other prospects wasn't a problem for me simply because I didn't tell them to get lost in my haste to enter into exclusivity with one person after only a few dates---where the likelihood of the person bailing out would have been much higher. It took me over four months before I became exclusive with my current partner. By that time there was no doubt in my mind that he was planning to stick around. Sex? Yes, I could easily wait six months or even longer.


It was your idea to use the car analogy. I'm sorry if the correct analogy doesn't actually exist in the car world, but since that seems to be a problem for you, just skip the analogies.


No, you deliberately chose to miss the point I was attempting to make with my car analogy---which was that I don't invest in anything big---whether it's a car or a long-term exclusive relationship, without seeing how it stacks up against the competition.


I'm sorry, but I'm not clairvoyant. Is there a way less paranormal way to identify these many women?


Yes, you simply ask the woman directly if she's involved with any others and if any other man considers her to be his girlfriend. If you've already gotten far enough with the woman to get past date one, then you've no doubt already pre-screened her to be a reasonably straightforward person.


And? If either of you did sleep around while you still ``multi-dating,'' you weren't promising to date each other exclusively and I assume you didn't agree to anything that might be construed as exclusivity, like telling your options what options they had with their options.


I let the men that I was multi-dating know that I was casually seeing others, and that I didn't believe in sex outside of an exclusive relationship---however, since I wasn't bothered by what they were doing, I didn't need to ask them. All voluntarily told me what their dating situation and goals were.


I thought multi dating meant something like dating several people at the same time and not being nosy about who does what with whom unless you're the who or whom.


Where did you ever get that rule? If I had more than a couple of dates with the same man, the question was invariably raised by him. I've never thought a guy was nosy for politely asking me if I was involved with anyone else, nor have I ever been accused of being nosy for asking him in return.


If by that, you mean the women posting to this thread, I'd say WIP is the only shoe-in for someone who doesn't expect to get it both ways. But, I knew that long before this thread was ever posted. Everyone who thinks that, ``But, I don't sleep with anyone outside of an exclusive relationship,'' seems to be missing the point. It doesn't matter. You haven't agreed to exclusivity and neither have the guys you're dating.


While I disagree with the stance of the OP, I'm not speaking for other women in this thread. Personally, I've never cared if the men I was multi-dating were sleeping with other women because I wasn't sleeping with them---therefore, with me your point is moot.


I'm not sure I understand. Do you mean to say you won't ever be in a relationship with a man who sleeps around or that you don't care if he does as long as he stops when you have a chat about not dating anyone else? The latter, I understand. The former is just bizarre.


I will continue to date a man that sleeps with other women for as long as he keeps asking me out, however, I won't sleep with him unless we become exclusive. Thankfully, the men that I encountered that weren't looking for an exclusive relationship and were only interested in sleeping around always self-eliminated---usually sooner rather than later.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 69
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/19/2011 3:40:08 AM

While I agree with you WomanInProgress , that every person has the right to make those choices, for me it would come down to incompatibility on the grounds of not sharing common values/morals. While they have the right to chose to sleep with someone to whom they are not committed, I have the right to not chose a partner whose values are that different than mine.

Well, that would obviously fall under every person having the right to make their own choices, assuming that's information someone wants to give you to make a decision based on. And vice versa...with your information, which is your choice to share or not yourself.

I do agree with the poster above that said it makes no sense to continually date someone you're not really that into for months. Why would you want to, really? However some people like to get to know someone they ARE into naturally and take their time before getting really serious, or may in the first month of dating meet, talk to and date more than one person before making a choice.

A person may also be sleeping with someone they know and trust but are not ever planning to date; in that case meeting someone new and dating can happen with someone you do have interest in, and in that case your interest would naturally turn in the direction of that person.

I don't think someone who chooses to have sex safely between serious relationships is a sign of anything they might do within a relationship. For those who don't have sex between relationships, it's agreed that dating those who are of the same mindset is probably best personality wise...but I don't agree that it's doomed otherwise.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 70
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/19/2011 8:53:48 AM
In practice, losing other prospects wasn't a problem for me simply because I didn't tell them to get lost in my haste to enter into exclusivity with one person after only a few dates---where the likelihood of the person bailing out would have been much higher.

I wasn't looking for a long term relationship or a wife (you can see that from what I wrote in my profile). I was happy being single. I've never in my life had to deal with dating women who wanted to multi-date and I've never had to have a discussion about exclusivity. So, I had zero incentive to do that online. If it takes a woman months to figure out whether or not she likes me enough to date me exclusively, she's not for me. I find self-confidence and decisiveness an attractive trait and my personality is such that there's not much middle ground. If I hit it off on a first date, I never have really needed to ask for a second date. If I don't hit it off, going on several more dates has always been a waste of time. Getting into a relationship just because I outlasted everyone else is not very appealing.

No, you deliberately chose to miss the point I was attempting to make with my car analogy.

Don't resort to analogies which don't fit to make a point. Analogies are analogies. They serve no purpose other than to provide a parallel situation which is more familiar. You deliberately chose an analogy which is nothing like the issue at hand and what you're complaining about is what I added to make the analogy fit. It's not my fault if you try to make points by using analogies which ONLY fit the point you want to make. That isn't even a good reason to use an analogy as it obscures rather than clarifies all of the points being made.

whether it's a car or a long-term exclusive relationship, without seeing how it stacks up against the competition.

Some people know what they want and don't have much difficulty figuring out whether something is or isn't what they want when they see it. Give me a $ figure and I could tell you what car I'd buy inside of 24 hours and why I'd buy it. It would almost certainly not be your choice nor what many would choose, but I'm quite sure I'd be satisfied.

Where did you ever get that rule? If I had more than a couple of dates with the same man, the question was invariably raised by him. I've never thought a guy was nosy for politely asking me if I was involved with anyone else, nor have I ever been accused of being nosy for asking him in return.

I deduced it from reading the forums. Lots of people do think asking that is being nosy. As a matter of principle, as soon as you start making decisions based on who someone is dating, how many or anything else about dates with other people, you're starting to require some sort of committment to continue dating, except that you're pretending you aren't because you did't actually say it. I consider that game playing. You're just fishing for information.

All voluntarily told me what their dating situation and goals were.

I guess my answer would have been, ``I'm dating other people and whatever happens, happens,'' if I were a multi-dater. It's the truth, no matter how you slice it.

Personally, I've never cared if the men I was multi-dating were sleeping with other women because I wasn't sleeping with them---therefore, with me your point is moot.

No, it isn't. It's the main reason you multi-date and I don't. It's also something anyone who prefers keeping his/her options open ought to be aware of and accept. I have no problem with having sex between relationships or even casual sex, but for me ``between relationships'' means up until the time I meet someone where sex is concerned. Dating exclusively isn't a committment to marriage. It's an agreement to date exclusively because of how I feel about sex, dating and relationships. I thought it was only fair to point that out up front and risk turning off a few women. However, threads like these make me wonder if I went overboard, since I could have easily made that decision without saying anything without affecting anything anyone is entitled to expect.

I will continue to date a man that sleeps with other women for as long as he keeps asking me out, however, I won't sleep with him unless we become exclusive.

Well, I will sleep with a woman I date, but I won't get into a relationship with her if she's sleeping with anyone else. Since the longest span of time between first date and sex in my life has been 2 weeks (and she was an 18 year old college freshman who had never had sex), and apart from that, about 2 dates, I expect sex to happen soon enough to not differentiate between dating and sex. At this point in my life, I'm not going to be meeting any virgins and if sex was of no interest, I'd just go have dinner with my best friend.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 71
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/19/2011 12:12:48 PM
Don't resort to analogies which don't fit to make a point. Analogies are analogies. They serve no purpose other than to provide a parallel situation which is more familiar. You deliberately chose an analogy which is nothing like the issue at hand and what you're complaining about is what I added to make the analogy fit. It's not my fault if you try to make points by using analogies which ONLY fit the point you want to make. That isn't even a good reason to use an analogy as it obscures rather than clarifies all of the points being made.


Not every analogy applies to everyone, but when it fits the majority of people, I'll use it. Most people who buy cars consider them to be a long-term investment rather than something they can return in a week's time. By the same token, most people who enter into an exclusive relationship go into it with the intent of it being a long-term relationship that could lead to marriage. You agree to date exclusively only because of your feelings about sex, dating and relationships rather than viewing it as a long-term commitment.


Some people know what they want and don't have much difficulty figuring out whether something is or isn't what they want when they see it.


Or rather, some people jump at the first thing that comes along that has the potential to fulfill their needs simply because they have a mentality of scarcity rather than abundance. Those are the people who are most apt to be afflicted with "the grass is always greener" syndrome, and view everything as disposable, including relationships.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 72
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/19/2011 1:19:11 PM
Or rather, some people jump at the first thing that comes along that has the potential to fulfill their needs simply because they have a mentality of scarcity rather than abundance.

Some people do. I certainly didn't wait until age 47 to get married because I jumped at the first thing that came along, though.

Those are the people who are most apt to be afflicted with "the grass is always greener" syndrome, and view everything as disposable, including relationships.

That has to be one of the most logically inconsistent statements I've seen. Could you explain how anyone who would ``jump at the first thing to come along'' could possibly have a ``grass is greener mentality?'' A ``grass is greener'' mentality is the epitome of indecisiveness and you're trying to apply that to a comment I made, which describes the exact opposite of indecisiveness:

Some people know what they want and don't have much difficulty figuring out whether something is or isn't what they want when they see it.

Also, what about that suggests anything about not being satisfied with what I have or that relationships are disposable?
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 73
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/19/2011 2:26:23 PM
That has to be one of the most logically inconsistent statements I've seen. Could you explain how anyone who would ``jump at the first thing to come along'' could possibly have a ``grass is greener mentality?'' A ``grass is greener'' mentality is the epitome of indecisiveness and you're trying to apply that to a comment I made, which describes the exact opposite of indecisiveness:

Some people know what they want and don't have much difficulty figuring out whether something is or isn't what they want when they see it.


The logic behind the statement is that someone who jumps at the first thing that comes along is acting impulsively and is more likely to make a wrong decision. As people get older, their dating pools grow smaller. Consequently, some people get lonely or anxious and are more apt to become exclusive with the first promising prospect that comes along---rather than keeping their options open. When they get involved too quickly, they are more likely to pick the wrong person, and as soon as they spot greener pastures, they bail out.


Also, what about that suggests anything about not being satisfied with what I have or that relationships are disposable?


I don't see anywhere in my post where I suggested that you were not satisfied with what you have. The "relationships are disposable" comment was made in reference to your statement: "Dating exclusively isn't a committment to marriage. It's an agreement to date exclusively because of how I feel about sex, dating and relationships." which suggests that you view exclusive relationships as temporary rather than long-term.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 74
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/19/2011 7:13:35 PM
^^^I hear ya, and I totally hear those who factor their egos into their choices, but for me (outside of protecting myself from danger perhaps) I try to leave my ego out of most of my decision making. I find that any emotional decisions I make - well, just aren't typically wise ones, so I do my best to avoid that.

And unless we're all still dating the first person we ever got involved with today, or the person we're dating has never dated anyone before us - we're all second choice to someone, no matter how much we'd like to think otherwise.

YMMV.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 75
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/19/2011 9:29:36 PM
The logic behind the statement is that someone who jumps at the first thing that comes along is acting impulsively and is more likely to make a wrong decision. As people get older, their dating pools grow smaller. Consequently, some people get lonely or anxious and are more apt to become exclusive with the first promising prospect that comes along---rather than keeping their options open. When they get involved too quickly, they are more likely to pick the wrong person, and as soon as they spot greener pastures, they bail out.

That's really a stretch, especially given the number of threads in which people complain about everyone being too picky and people (especially guys) who are unwilling to make a committment. I'm also not talking about people who are impulsive. (Impulsive and descisive are not synonymous.)


The "relationships are disposable" comment was made in reference to your statement: "Dating exclusively isn't a committment to marriage. It's an agreement to date exclusively because of how I feel about sex, dating and relationships." which suggests that you view exclusive relationships as temporary rather than long-term.

You are prevaricating. Dating exclusively is not an exclusive relationship except by abuse of the word ``relationship'' to fit some tortured logic. Where in my statement does ``dating exclusively'' transform into ``exclusive relationship?'' Have you been married and divorced? If so, apply that logic to your divorce.


I find that any emotional decisions I make - well, just aren't typically wise ones, so I do my best to avoid that.

Actually, despite the fact that you and I take opposite views on a whole lot about dating, I always understand your reasoning, as it applies to you, perfectly. You always understand the all of the pros and cons. We differ in what we consider pros and cons, but that's about it.

 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 76
First meet, am I being unrealistic?
Posted: 1/20/2011 8:04:06 AM
That's really a stretch, especially given the number of threads in which people complain about everyone being too picky and people (especially guys) who are unwilling to make a committment. I'm also not talking about people who are impulsive. (Impulsive and descisive are not synonymous.


It's curious that most of the people in the threads complaining about folks being too picky just happen to be men. In regards to making a commitment---if your regular MO before you got lucky and met your fiancee, was to convince a woman to remove herself from the dating pool by promising her exclusivity, and then bailing out a week later, as you gave in your example when refuting my car-buying analogy, then that is the epitome of someone unwilling to make a commitment. And yes, impulsive and decisive can be synonymous when the decision made is an impulsive one.


You are prevaricating. Dating exclusively is not an exclusive relationship except by abuse of the word ``relationship'' to fit some tortured logic. Where in my statement does ``dating exclusively'' transform into ``exclusive relationship?'' Have you been married and divorced? If so, apply that logic to your divorce.


Oh c'mon Abelian, THAT is what I'd call a stretch. You're just quibbling over semantics. Dating someone exclusively is by definition, an "exclusive relationship". If you're dating and sleeping with each other, you are "relating" to each other, as well as "excluding" others, thus you're in an exclusive relationship.


I find that any emotional decisions I make - well, just aren't typically wise ones, so I do my best to avoid that.


I also happen to agree with WIP with this statement, and one of the ways I avoid making an unwise emotional decision is to not have sex with a man until we are in an exclusive, committed relationship. A chemical change often takes place when women have sex, and they get emotionally bonded to the man.
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