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 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 36
Instant chemistryPage 4 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

usually sooner -- turns into a "men are too horny", "not able, or at least not willing, to think of anything but sex".

If it's not that, it's "women deserve to be recompensed for their time spent with a man".

I don't think anyone here has said these things.

Some Q-tips are scared to death that someone, somewhere is having fun.

Why would that scare anybody? And dating someone is not the only "fun" there is in life, not IMO. I suspect that some nimrods may be MAD, that they aren't getting the results they THINK they deserve.

That "chemistry" -- or "instant chemistry" as it has been degraded -- is nothing more than
the physical "I'm safe" signals sent and accepted and sent in return and accepted that a man and woman exchange when they like each other and want to build something greater. Those signals are so strongly associated in the human subcortex with "safety to move forward" that they can be, and most usually are, displayed before two people ever talk to each other.
I agree, I think people are misunderstanding chemistry to be nothing but "lust". Real chemistry is so much more than that. Unless a person is incredibly desperate and will force themselves to be with anyone that doesn't actively run away, I do think the basis for that chemistry/connection begins at first meeting. How 2 people go about developing that sense of connection can take various forms.

If I decide I don't like you, it's not an issue. I just don't meet you again.
Exactly.There are lots of meetings with people who have absolutely nothing wrong with them but you just do not feel any sense of connection, of resonating with each other.Even when there is a mutual attraction/connection/interest, it's not always going to turn into a fairy-tale romance.Regardless of what 2 people's subcortexes are saying, there are other factors that play into the development of a sustainable relationship.

but it might be more accurate to say that you sometimes know within a few minutes of meeting someone that you NEVER want to see them again.
Yes..the "this is SO not gonna happen" running through your mind. If you are a reasonably civilized person,you may have a cup of coffee and chat with the person. Sometimes that gets more read into it than is realy there. Just because someone doesn't take one look at you,turn around and walk away,is NOT an indication of "connection".

TV syndrome meaning if you have a TV and only airwaves to pick up channels on an antenna you usually only get 3-4 stations within your range. People with those limitations always seem to manage to find something on to watch. There is not much channel surfing going on.

I understand what you are saying, but when you shift that over to PEOPLE,where does "realistic" leave off and "settling" begin? We are coming into times now where finding a pair-bond is no longer nearly a matter of survival.If it was a matter of controlling yourself by having limited choices, why would anybody even bother with online dating? They would simply get with someone based on their being local and single.

No silly most guys do not try to get INTO a womans pants.... they try to get the women OUT of their pants...lol

sorry couldnt resist

I think everybody got my drift,lol.

I've sometimes had incredible "chemistry" with people I knew were a really bad choice.
I think we've ALL been there and done that...but again that supposes that 'chemistry' is simply hormones calling out to one another. What some of us mean by chemistry is MUCH more than just physical attraction. If you know the person is a bad choice, that's NOT the kind of chemistry I'm talking about. I do not demand "instant chemistry", but there has to be a MUTUAL feeling that there could be a buildable foundation there.

I believe in chemistry, but I don't believe it HAS to be there "instantly" and in fact, I suggest that the chemistry that is created between two people over a period of time can turn a relationship quite "hot"(for the lack of a better word). Watch a good sports team that has been together a couple of years and the relationships between certain players. That "chemistry" between players took more than a minute or two to evolve,but there is no denying that it's there.
This is PRECISELY the "chemistry" I'm talking about...it is not just about physical/sexual attraction.
But there are a lot of people who are looking for that immediate "wow- I'm looking at my next ex!" feeling...and quite often if they go by just the hormones giving a standing ovation, that is exactly what DOES happen.
Cindy O
 Buckets_of_Sky
Joined: 2/7/2010
Msg: 37
Instant chemistry
Posted: 1/18/2011 8:49:40 PM
Perhaps it should called 'lust at first sight' and then it turns into love. How often does it actually happen, who knows, let's to to go to wikiedia and find out!

I am of the mind that yes, if I am not attracted to them for whatever reason then I might not stay around, but if there is a glimmer of interest, not necessarily that instant chemistry rift that seems to be all the rage, I might go on a second date just to double check. I would hate to write someone off just because they were nervous or off their feed that day. That would be a real shame.
 colt8301
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 39
Instant chemistry
Posted: 1/19/2011 3:45:50 AM

I've met guys who I've had fabulous email and conversations with, only to meet and if the earth didn't shake the second our eyes met they weren't interested in taking it any further. What's up with that?



Nothing that's just the "microwave" generation and their"instant" tomfoolery. lol.
 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 40
Instant chemistry
Posted: 1/19/2011 7:29:24 AM
^^^^ Any reaction whether chemistry, lust or horniness can be one-sided. A "relationship" of any kind by definition involves more than one person. Obviously the feelings must be mutual for any growth and development.
 WaywardWynde
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 42
view profile
History
Instant chemistry
Posted: 1/20/2011 2:59:17 PM

Agreed, but it's not the case if the guy (or the girl) just wants to get laid...
In that case it's even easier to set up a false chemistry to seduce the other person...


Most people have no idea how chemistry is set up, let alone how to set up a false chemistry.

"Sexiness" and "chemistry" are not the same things at all. Not even close.

Seduction, on the other hand, when it is the goal, relies on talking about nothing at all but the other person. That's not chemisty, but rather gratitude.
 damassteel
Joined: 7/22/2009
Msg: 44
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History
Instant chemistry
Posted: 1/20/2011 3:30:12 PM
Listen to the Igorfrankensteen, as usual he's talking some very serious good sense.
 WalksOnWater2
Joined: 5/19/2009
Msg: 45
Instant chemistry
Posted: 1/20/2011 3:31:01 PM
Yes there is such a thing as 'instant chemistry'
However, it is so rare, that many people think that it doesn't exist (mainly the ones who never experienced it.)
The others, the ones who know that it does exist, also know that does not a guarantee a successful relationship, it is just a very strong indicator that things are about to get very interesting in the bedroom.

 WalksOnWater2
Joined: 5/19/2009
Msg: 46
Instant chemistry
Posted: 1/20/2011 3:37:05 PM
Yes there is such a thing as 'instant chemistry'
However, it is so rare, that many people think that it doesn't exist (mainly the ones who never experienced it.)
The others, the ones who know that it does exist, also know that does not a guarantee a successful relationship, it is just a very strong indicator that things are about to get very interesting in the bedroom.

 KickboxingCuteGuy
Joined: 11/26/2010
Msg: 48
Instant chemistry
Posted: 1/21/2011 2:11:07 AM
I know. Today's dating scene is horrible. I miss the good old days when two people actually liked each other and really showed it and didn't care about what society thought.
 WaywardWynde
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 49
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History
Instant chemistry
Posted: 1/21/2011 7:30:26 AM
I would have found it difficult to imagine people would deliberately and specifically RUN FROM A PERSON who happens to closely resemble their subconsicous vision of a fantastic mate AND which person is giving off "I'm safe" signals at a very rapid rate .... all because they are afraid of achiving their subconscious vision.

No, no, no! Run away, run, run, run away! The subconscious, the gut feel, the intuitive count for nothing.

Chemistry does not exist, and when it looks like it might, discount it, ignore it, deny it, condemn it. If chemistry does not exist, instant chemisty can not possibly exist and if it did it would be even worse than the regular chemistry which doesn't exist.

Forming a relationship is all about logic, like buying a box of laundry detergent in the grocery store. Which detergent will get the clothes the cleanest with the least effort? That's the one!
 WaywardWynde
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 50
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History
Instant chemistry
Posted: 1/21/2011 8:29:07 AM
There is no such thing as instant Chemistry. Just look at all the continued failed relationships by many who claimed chemistry.


That's absolutely true, no such thing. And, to expand on that theme ...

... There is no such thing as attractiveness or shared backgrounds or shared goals or love or Love. Just look at all the continued failed relationships by many who claimed attractiveness or shared backgrounds or shared goals or love or Love.

Like laundry detergents in the grocery store, one is smart to only take the detergent which gets the clothes the cleanest with the least effort. Some also consider lowest price, but they are wrong. Price should never matter.

It's ALL logic, nothing but logic. NO emotion whatsoever. None.
 WaywardWynde
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 52
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History
Instant chemistry
Posted: 1/21/2011 9:53:03 AM
those who walk the instant chemistry are a defintive failure. Those who do not have a larger success rate.


"Definitive"?? Instant chemistry is THE _definition_ of failure?

My goodness, me oh my.

May I suggest "I'm safe" signals are required for any boy/girl relationship to start? No "I'm safe" signals sent, or none accepted, MEANS the relationship WILL NOT START. "I'm safe" signals sent and accepted and returned in kind are a requirement.

Some people, when they happen upon a person who just happens to be rather close to their subconscious vision of the perfect mate, send and accept "I'm safe" signals at a rapid rate indeed. Other people stumble along, some taking years to get to the same "I'm/you're safe" point others found while standing in a grocery line, their ice cream still frozen.

To deny -- by "definition" or not -- that someone out there is close to one's subconscious vision of a perfect mate, OR to deny that person could give off and accept "I'm safe" signals, OR to deny one themselves can give off and accept "I'm safe" signals, paints one into a lonely corner.

Some people like that corner. Others find a hoped-for-vision of a partner to be rather dandy. Does it work better or worse than those who take eons to get to Point B? The corner-painters say it is worse. On the other hand, those who have been there, applaud The Nector Of The Gods.

Keep in mind that Instant Chemistry is NOT one-side, unrequitted desire and interest. It IS mutual. That's why it moves so fast.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 53
Instant chemistry
Posted: 1/21/2011 10:23:47 AM

Like laundry detergents in the grocery store, one is smart to only take the detergent which gets the clothes the cleanest with the least effort.

I don't know what happens at YOUR house, but at my house there is a MACHINE that washes the clothes.Whether I buy a premium brand or a discount brand, the effort of putting the clothes in the machine and taking them out is pretty much the same.

As for instant chemistry, there are failed relationships from that, from beginnings where the chemistry was not quite instant but definitely a factor, and there are failed relationships that started with chemistry/attraction on one side and desperation on the other. There are failed relationships that seem to have been figured out with ledgers, "pro &con" lists, and calculators. There are also relationships in every one of those categories that don't fail.
As for the "I'm safe" thing-safe from WHAT? If it was being 'safe' from being harmed, then no one would ever be lured into a date with someone who subsequently did them harm.
People are going to chose their dating and relationship partners by whatever standards feel right to that individual. Lecturing that someone's standards are "wrong" because someone else doesn't understand them, is an exercise in futility.
I can relate to what the OP is saying...especially doing 'first meetings' with online contacts can feel like nobody is interested in anything less that an instant recognition of their next ex! But you aren't going to convince anybody to do anything different...we all have our own paradigms and will stick with them even when they don't seem to be working very well. Because trying to do something different than the way you are used to doing it, sets up its' own feeling of being "off" and contrived,and that feeling will hinder the development of even a relationship that looks absolutely perfect "on paper".
Cindy O
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 54
Instant chemistry
Posted: 1/21/2011 10:58:55 AM
If there are sooo many people who dont think 'that pull' or chemistry even exists, then why dont you all date anyone who emails you or who doesnt do it for you, then report back and tell us how much you enjoy that.

If this reaction was not needed in order for people to proceed with trying to mate, then no one would be lonely or single...ever. Get real folks. I guess some just cant take it that the person THEY were feeling 'that pull' towards didnt feel it back. Thats part of life, we've all wanted someone who didnt want us back.
 ICtheLite
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 56
view profile
History
Instant chemistry
Posted: 1/21/2011 11:05:02 AM
OP - Statistically, its said that you will form an opinion, right or wrong, within 6 seconds of meeting someone. So in that 6 seconds what will you presume, what will you take note of; their car ( old, new, clean, dirty), what they wear ( old, new, clean, dirty..lol), appearance, how they greet you. If you don't go Ewwww, after that, it may be a go.

Of course, whatever that first 6 seconds involves, that initial smile on your face can turn to the 'deer in the headlights' look the minute they open their mouth.
 ICtheLite
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 57
view profile
History
Instant chemistry
Posted: 1/21/2011 11:27:00 AM

Igor: I suggest for consideration, that it is MY generation that has a greater desire for "INSTANT" relationship chemistry, more than the younger generation, and that this is NOT because the internet has presented the illusion of more choice, it is because we have been through relationships that failed utterly to fulfill our expectations and dreams, and we WANT those "payoffs" that we THOUGHT we were getting the first time around. Men and women alike, have become convinced by direct experience, that investing time in someone does NOT pay off..... we go on a demanding search for exactly what we want, NOT because we actually EXPECT to find it, at least not easily, but because we are certain that we DON'T want to lose any more of our lives to "maybe's"
.

You nailed it. I think that is what people mean when they say "I won't settle". To me that is a red flag to run... their expectations are so high they will never be realized.
 eddee shaw
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 61
view profile
History
Instant chemistry
Posted: 1/22/2011 4:33:39 PM
Well the instant chemistry is just that. I can scientifically explain that. We have certain pheromones that are released when we meet people. It depends on the compatibility of each other. In Males there is a pheromone known as Andiostodienone it is released in sweat. Well you meet a man and of course he is a bit nervous, which in turn releases a bit of sweat. Andiostodienone is relased and you pic it up through these little glands known as Othologous receptors, in turn your brain releases a neurotransmitter known as phenlethylamine also known as P E A. When that neurotransmitter is released. That give you the feeling of instant chemistry the "fireworks" Unfortunately it is short lived and after some time it wares off, and then its up to you to push forward. It use to be that you only met people in your town or close by or back in the ancient time from your tribe. This process insure a good match. I think that is why on the internet we seem to have a good connection in conversation but when you meet in person well no fireworks. The PEA and the Andiostodienone do not match. Just some thoughts from a scientist that once studied this physiology
 WalksOnWater2
Joined: 5/19/2009
Msg: 62
Instant chemistry
Posted: 1/22/2011 11:46:09 PM
I'm with Abelian and Xlr8ingMargo.
Instant chemistry is either there, or it is not.
You don't CHOOSE it. It chooses you.

Yes, there is no guarantee for everlasting love whether it is instant, or well calculated as some others prefer.
But as many know from experience, the ultimate happiness is worth risking the ultimate pain, and they become vulnerable willingly, because they are not afraid to pay the price.
And once you have been there, you always want to go back.


 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 63
Instant chemistry
Posted: 1/23/2011 5:07:49 PM
I differentiate between feeling attraction for a man and feeling instant chemistry, a.k.a. fireworks. I will usually know within the first 30 seconds of meeting a man whether or not I'm attracted to him enough to want to go out on a second date with him. While I could picture us together at some future point, these men didn't exactly blow my skirt up. Instead, my relationships with them would heat up slowly over time---like an oven. For me, this type of relationship has been the most successful.

Fireworks can be dangerous in my opinion, and are usually mostly hormonally-fueled. With these men, we ended up getting physical very soon after meeting. I've only met a few men in my lifetime that I had those intense instant fireworks with. Unfortunately, my relationships with them never lasted very long---and were over soon after the lust hormones leveled off. Things would suddenly ignite, only to burn out just as quickly---like a blowtorch.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 65
Instant chemistry
Posted: 1/23/2011 7:36:51 PM
What instant chemistry is to a woman is when she meets a guy and says to herself: "He's hot and I'm horny. He will do." Women are told from birth that good women don't have sex. Sex is a disgusting, horrible, animalistic act. It must be avoided at all cost, and women buy into it. Only bad women have sex. So women make up a term that sounds more pure and proper to disguise how they feel. That term is Instant Chemistry. Whereas guys don't play silly, stupid word games. If a guy is horny, he will say so. Guys don't need flowery, goofy names to disguise the true meaning of what they say and feel.
 Daisyrose73
Joined: 9/23/2010
Msg: 66
Instant chemistry
Posted: 1/23/2011 7:45:32 PM
I usually know pretty quickly if the person is it for me or not. I tried once to develop this past that point of no instant chemistry. He was my ex husband. We had been friends and everyone was telling me to go out with him that he liked me. My response, ugh I don't really see him that way. He is a great guy, treated me decent. We were together 13 years and in the end the relationship was no more than a good friendship and we coexisted. While 13 yrs is certainly not a total failure, we didn't last the long haul and we are still friends. I think there is something to be said for that gut feeling about a person.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 69
Instant chemistry
Posted: 1/24/2011 8:33:57 AM
I tried dating men who I didnt have any pull towards. Because 'on paper' they were a good match...well guess what? All I did was waste thier time because when it came to us finally getting close enough to smooch or anything, I cringed. These men now likely think I was trying to get a few free meals out of them, but I was following a few peoples advise to 'see what happens, let it grow over time'. They were nice looking, had good jobs, treated poeple with respect, and we had alot of other things in common. I was not physically attracted. I tried to make myself be attracted, it did not work.

I am pretty sure men enjoy dating a woman who is compatible, as well as physically attracted to them. I dont know any man who would be pleased to know the woman he was spending his efforts/time/money on was not interested in at least smooching with him.

No one is saying that people ONLY date based on attraction, we are saying it HAS to be PART of the equation. I am not broke or hungry enough to force myself to share meals with men I cannot even imagine wanting to kiss. This component is AS important as the mental attraction.

The relationsip Im in now is the best so far-we are attracted to one another and admire one anothers morals, efforts, work ethic....we agree on life philosophies and long term goals. Throw in the fact we are nuts for one another and it is the best. Id rather go it alone than not have it this way. It took a long time to get here, soooo worth the wait.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 70
Instant chemistry
Posted: 1/24/2011 8:38:43 AM

There is no such thing as instant Chemistry. Just look at all the continued failed relationships by many who claimed chemistry.


I think it all depends on your definition of chemistry.
My "instant chemistry" tends to rule people out as opposed to ruling them in.
If I feel an instant like for someone, I'm willing to see where things go. If not,
I don't care to waste my time or theirs hoping that I'll like them some where down
the road.

Frankly, I'd rather jump into something with full on enthusiasm if I'm attracted
to someone, rather than go through the dull and boring make me like you scenarios.

And what the heck is up with people trying to rain on happy people's parade?
Since when is it cool to suggest someone's relationship won't last simply because
they didn't abide by rules you've made for yourself?

Tacky tacky.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 71
Instant chemistry
Posted: 1/24/2011 6:45:45 PM

sweetness-one wrote:
For me, if I don't feel any initial attraction then it's not likely to ever be there. None of this 'let's see if we can make it grow' crapola...it's either there, or it's not, IMO. And that includes the total package.


Let's turn the tables. Let's say a guy has a meet-and-greet with a woman and she ends up being fat and/or ugly. No physical attraction there. How many women here would say the guy is shallow, a player, worthless, etc. and the guy should only be interested in her "inner" beauty? But it's alright for a woman to only seek out Mr. Perfect and not settle for anything less?

sweetness-one: How is the hunt gong, looking for Mr. Perfect, the knight in shining armor who will sweep you off your feet, the flawless one? Having trouble finding someone who is as perfect as you? Keep looking-there's about 2 billion more men out there to check out.
 CheezyChick
Joined: 9/23/2009
Msg: 72
Instant chemistry
Posted: 1/24/2011 7:29:55 PM

Both the men I loved in life I had that instant unexplainable connection with.
It was like we were meant to be together. Maybe I was lucky to find it twice.
I kinda hope I am able to find it again. I know I will keep trying until I do.
Its not a matter of expectations so much as it is keeping the spark lit.
Thats a natural connection; I dont think we can always choose that.
If wanting that is having expectations then so be it.
I expect to have a spark for a relationship to last


^^This is exactly what I believe in...I've felt that spark. It happens, and only those that have felt it, can know it...

I believe in instant chemistry...because it's happend to me...simple
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