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 ThePigOfYourDreams
Joined: 6/30/2017
Msg: 351
What stops a man from cheating?Page 15 of 17    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)
Even though I agree a woman who cuts off sex, but still expects to get everything SHE wants out of the marriage is a shithead of epic proportions, a guy still needs to do the right thing and end things first.

But of course, the guy should have known better than to get married to begin with.
 Manofsubstance1970
Joined: 7/8/2017
Msg: 352
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What stops a man from cheating?
Posted: 11/18/2017 1:33:57 PM
I have read so many comments from women, who say they can't understand why their man cheated and they always refuse to admit that they gave him any reason to cheat, but the reasons I just mentioned would be enough to temp a man, because if he is not getting any sex at home or the sex is lousy, then he may well consider other options.

If a woman withholds sex from her man completely, then she really can't expect him to go on and on without any sex and any romantic relationship needs the sex to keep it a healthy one, so if a woman denies him sex, then it is her fault for the relationship not being a healthy one and she would need to seek counselling to try to deal with a-sexual attitude or be prepared to lose him to another woman
 ThePigOfYourDreams
Joined: 6/30/2017
Msg: 353
What stops a man from cheating?
Posted: 11/18/2017 2:00:48 PM
But you see, if a man dares to complain about not getting sex from his wife, this is what he will very likely hear from society in response - "OMG!!! HER BODY/HER CHOICE!!!, you sex-crazed misogynistic embodiment of evil!!!" or "YOU must have done something to turn her off!!!"

"lmfao" @ marriage.
 Manofsubstance1970
Joined: 7/8/2017
Msg: 354
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What stops a man from cheating?
Posted: 11/18/2017 2:38:05 PM
Radical feminism has a massive hand in the destruction of the family unit, the divide between men and women, but also the double standards that exist across the board in society created to favour women.

Women are not held accountable for their actions, but men always have been and still are, so men have to always be responsible, while women can do anything they dam well like and get away with it, because society judges men for any bad behaviour or wrong choices, but never looks the other way at women

The SJW movement is very toxic and their feelings and thoughts seem to over ride facts, reason and sanity, so what do we expect from a brainwashed society, that caters to the mentally ill misandrists, who use their twisted ideas to change societies laws and create a fake rape culture to install fear into women.

Any woman who goes on about the patriarchy you know is going to be an SJW feminist and misandrist, so watch out for any women, who may use this terminology when describing men, because the brainwashed can't be saved from their fear and hate of all men, but they will try to make men's lives hell, because they can get away with hating on men
 9Pluto
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 355
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What stops a man from cheating?
Posted: 11/18/2017 3:01:24 PM

seek counselling to try to deal with a-sexual attitude or be prepared to lose him to another woman


Lose? Drive away?

If one purposely refuses to provide mental and physical intimacy over the long haul in a marriage, it is a reason for divorce and needs to be discussed by the couple. It is even better to seek divorce rather than cheat. If the divorce settlement is perceived to favor one over the other and you are getting the short end of the stick, that was the cost of getting married, and you knew the rules of the game, and everyone's sorry your partner was a dud, but you pay the escape clause and get out.

Cheating is a road to nowhere, or just kicking the can down the road inside a closet, at best. It will flip the tables on the cheater, making them the adulterer, which is grounds for divorce. Marriage is a contract, and one violation, legally, doesn't give rights to another. Once one is in default, it has to be settled or forgiven. So denying intimacy places the burden individually on both partners, the actor and the victim, to have counseling or a reckoning.

As gender roles are eliminated for whatever reason, any legal privileges either gender has naturally should evolve to be eliminated as the institution of marriage adapts or ceases to exist as the fabric of western society. Unfortunately nobody is absolutely entitled to anything without consent from the other partner. That includes withholding intimacy or cheating, married or not.
 from site to sight
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 356
What stops a man from cheating?
Posted: 11/18/2017 3:15:29 PM
As everybody knows, almost all women have kids. And when kids enter the picture, the marriage/relationship totally changes. Many women go into full mommy mode and put the marriage and the partner on the back burner, giving it low to no priority. The man's role is to be just the breadwinner to support the family. Many women feel no need to try to be attractive anymore, because they don't have to be attractive to raise kids. Many women can't or won't handle being a good mother as well as a good wife. It's too much trouble trying to be both. That's usually when some men start having wandering eyes, and try to find that spark that died in the marriage.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 357
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What stops a man from cheating?
Posted: 11/18/2017 3:52:01 PM
Wow,talk about missing the point.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 358
What stops a man from cheating?
Posted: 11/18/2017 4:04:05 PM
"Even though I agree a woman who cuts off sex, but still expects to get everything SHE wants out of the marriage is a shithead of epic proportions, a guy still needs to do the right thing and end things first."

>>>if the general statement, "men want sex, women want a relationship", has validity...then its easy to see a problem forming. Men (unless they are bad boys) figure a relationship will get them sex, so they offer one to someone...who may be far more interested in getting a relationship than in giving sex. the guy then decides that women don't like sex, since they're already getting the relationship and don't see a need to "Barter". then they grumble to whoever will listen, which can be younger men in their social circle who assume the older men know of what they speak.

then along comes the "other woman", who misses the human contact and offers...what the general man is looking for, in order to get some human contact or in order to get a sense of relationship. Still, as Pig provided, its up to the man, to man up and declare he's leaving the kids and the money behind to go out and get laid.
 ThePigOfYourDreams
Joined: 6/30/2017
Msg: 359
What stops a man from cheating?
Posted: 11/19/2017 6:25:00 AM

Men (unless they are bad boys) figure a relationship will get them sex, so they offer one to someone


The word "clueless" should have started this sentence. Sure, there are women who live and breathe lovey-dovey romance filled relationships, but there are those who don't, especially after just getting out of one, but they still have a libido.

Male or female, anyone who uses sex or relationships as a bargaining chip is a scumbag, and I have no respect for them. You can save yourself so much trouble in this world by not being a lying and manipulative sack of shit.


Still, as Pig provided, its up to the man, to man up and declare he's leaving the kids and the money behind to go out and get laid.


Yes. If you want women to treat you like a man, handle your business like one, and that includes being honest.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 6/16/2017
Msg: 360
What stops a man from cheating?
Posted: 11/19/2017 9:21:20 AM

(9Pluto) If one purposely refuses to provide mental and physical intimacy over the long haul in a marriage, it is a reason for divorce and needs to be discussed by the couple. It is even better to seek divorce rather than cheat.


Patently, self-evidently true. But, partners in a tempestuous relationship (such as one in which one partner is punitively withholding physical affection from the other, all the while refusing to see it as an issue) -- such people do not make rational decisions.
 9Pluto
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 361
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What stops a man from cheating?
Posted: 11/19/2017 10:50:44 AM

punitively withholding ... all the while refusing to see it as an issue

...and the other partner going along with this rather than insisting on therapy or a divorce reckoning rather than confronting the problem, seeks another outlet that makes them demonstrably the bad one of the couple.
The problem with this is the other partner is forgiving the withholding partner if they live with this. If you accept this as reasonable behavior for more time than a temporary low to work out differences together (maybe because the other sees no issue and belittles the needs of the victim), the goalposts of the marriage contract get moved. It is no different than a one knowingly letting the other cheat. If you allow it ... it becomes acceptable. Some people get this when they are cheated upon, and they don't wait to kick the cheater out and divorce.

While it may be seen as a screwy relationship if it is devoid of intimacy, there is nothing wrong with being upfront with your partner saying your need is not being met, you love them but require intimacy. At that point -gasp- getting a partner's consent for cheating in exchange for staying married, if that is in both's interests, and you have a valid new lifestyle with moved goalposts tolerable to both, not one unilaterally and without consent.

Rather than get into that position, the one who feels pressure to cheat, needs to drive the couple into therapy, and failing that, make a clean break based on 'constructive abandonment' if the withholder is doing it out of spite, manipulation, or malice. No one needs to put up with that BS. Or consent to the unilateral BS and live with the partner under their new offer of what the marriage is going to look like.

9
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 362
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What stops a man from cheating?
Posted: 11/19/2017 12:12:54 PM
No one is talking about people who are cheaters by nature. My ex was like that. Nothing was going to stop him. I didn't ask him for his "reason", because I knew it was about availability. I simply kicked him out and divorced him. No counseling necessary. Too many women think there's something to work on and seek couples counseling, which lengthens their upsetment. Then they lower themselves to play detective, because even if they stay, they'll never trust the guy.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 363
What stops a man from cheating?
Posted: 11/19/2017 2:15:38 PM
"No one is talking about people who are cheaters by nature"

>>>not to nitpick, but it might be more accurate to say, "We aren't talking about people who we know are natural cheaters." Sometimes, we look at a variety of behaviors from someone close to us, and we wonder WTF, and then someone tells us there's a word that describes that person--alcoholic, bipolar, narcissist, etc. We think they are different behaviors, but then we find there is a common cause. Like when my elderly mother was doing odd things from time to time, and then she was diagnosed with onset dementia...and it was like, a ha. and what a relief to finally understand WTF is going on, and now we can plot a course to work with what's going on, now we know its going on.

someone might think their cheating partner is a one-time Charlie, not realizing he or she has a pattern going on. Like the blind man who feels the tail of an elephant and thinks and elephant is just a thin snake.

some people will hope there's something to work on, b/c that's easier than throwing out the baby with the bath water and starting from scratch. Others will think there's something to work on, b/c their whole focus in relationships is to find the partner they have to win over. they want the "needs some work" starter kit relationship.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 364
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What stops a man from cheating?
Posted: 11/19/2017 4:26:50 PM
When a woman catches a guy cheating, unless she knows otherwise, she could think it's a one time thing. Comparing it to dementia would be appropriate, because you're not changing behavior, you're just looking to manage it.

Sure, there are a lot of reasons why both parties stay in bad marriages, though in the case of the career cheater, they could be happy at home, but it doesn't change their wanting to cheat. That's perfection to them, having a stable married life, while looking for who is available. I've seen it all my life, men that don't want to live alone, even though they know they shouldn't get married.
 ThePigOfYourDreams
Joined: 6/30/2017
Msg: 365
What stops a man from cheating?
Posted: 11/19/2017 4:30:56 PM

It is no different than a one knowingly letting the other cheat. If you allow it ... it becomes acceptable.


If your husband/wife allows you to have sex with others, I wouldn't be inclined to refer to it as "cheating". The sneaking, dishonesty and betrayal factors are what truly make it cheating.

I know a few poly couples, and some of them have made it work over the years, but one, in particular, had an agreement they could be with others as long as there was a face to face meeting with the new lovers. They adhered to this for 14 years until last year when the husband decided to mess around with a woman without introducing her to the wife first. He simply needed the rush of doing something sneaky, and now their marriage is over.
 9Pluto
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 366
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What stops a man from cheating?
Posted: 11/19/2017 5:22:08 PM
NYer:
No one is talking about people who are cheaters by nature. My ex was like that. Nothing was going to stop him. I didn't ask him for his "reason", because I knew it was about availability. I simply kicked him out and divorced him. No counseling necessary. Too many women think there's something to work on and seek couples counseling, which lengthens their upsetment. Then they lower themselves to play detective, because even if they stay, they'll never trust the guy.


GTO:
but it might be more accurate to say, "We aren't talking about people who we know are natural cheaters."


Welcome back NYer, you were greatly missed. "Upsetment"=assault on their dignity. In your case he brazenly left the clues for you to discover. A real winner, has his cake and doesn't give a crap. But, in my case I don't consider "cheaters by nature", because if you marry one of those the fault is your own for being careless, settling where you shouldn't have, making a contract while you're high (on lust). You know what to expect and if you choose to ignore that, it is nobody's fault but your own. Yours was a real winner since rather than hide it he was indiscreet. It is someone who at the onset you know will not respect the red line of cheating.

That to me is completely separate, called, being an a**, and better late than never I guess, though it all should have been avoided if you knew it, and just figured you'd go along for the ride until it became an issue. Some people are happy to marry under the assumption whatever they don't know won't hurt them, and there is a saying in various languages that is more appropriate than the ones in English like "Out of sight, out of mind."
In Italian it is:
Occhio non vede, cuore non duole.
(Spanish, Ojos que no ven, corazon que no siente."
which roughly translates to "Eyes that don't see, heart that doesn't hurt/feel.
It is almost exclusively used for describing discreet cheating, which vs getting your nose rubbed in it. It is about respecting one's dignity.

Many women in macho cultures consider this the red line: if he is brazen about cheating that she finds out without serious investigation, that is terrible insult. If not, jealousy, anger and depression are not worth it when all men are naturally cheaters as they believe, so it is best to simply not to open a can of worms where there will be only hurt and loss. While this is far from being fair, it can be practical because he does not strip her dignity.

Men frequently won't rat on a friend who cheats on his wife even when they are great friends with the wife. That is to preserve the peace and dignity the woman has, if they know it is simply a vice fulfilling urges without attachment. But if she finds out especially due to his brazen disregard to even hide it, or sloppiness, well then he clearly doesn't value the marriage, o equally if he were negligent to catch anything, the glass barrier instantly shatters, and he's toast.
Cheers

9
 npw7557
Joined: 7/20/2015
Msg: 367
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What stops a man from cheating?
Posted: 11/19/2017 9:59:47 PM
I never cheated on my ex wife until she did.
She left me for someone else and within 2 weeks I was in someone elses bed.

I guess cheating comes from being unhappy with your current partner.
Looking for some excitement in a boring relationship.
Thinking the grass is greener elsewhere.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 368
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What stops a man from cheating?
Posted: 11/20/2017 1:41:59 AM
Pluto, I was fine with the relationship as is. He wanted to get married. I had no reason to close my eyes to anything in order to proceed with marriage, since it wasn't an interest. How can you say I didn't see signs? Don't you think people are sneaky about what they do, just like everyone else that has something to hide?

For me, there was no assault on my dignity. If anything, I felt like giving myself a pat the back for quickly throwing him out. It was invigorating and liberatingā˜ŗ I could be the first divorced person in my extended family. You could call me a trailblazeršŸ¾
 ThePigOfYourDreams
Joined: 6/30/2017
Msg: 369
What stops a man from cheating?
Posted: 11/20/2017 3:57:47 AM


Men frequently won't rat on a friend who cheats on his wife even when they are great friends with the wife.


I've never been in the situation of knowing a male friend was cheating on his wife. If I ever am, I don't believe I would rat him out, but I would surely let him know what a scumbag I think he is. No matter how low my opinion of romantic relationships is, there's still a right and wrong way to handle things.

One of the main reasons why I wouldn't rat him out is because his wife could be the most undesirable woman on Earth, but if I told her he was cheating, he would undoubtedly think I was trying to bust them up to go after her myself. That's where a man's mind *always* goes in these situations.

On the flip side, about 2 years ago, I warned a female friend about a guy she started dating. I knew him and actually witnessed him out on the town with other women while he had a girlfriend. She immediately defended the guy, and I told her to not come crying on my shoulder when she got burned.

It took all of a month and a half of them dating before she discovered he was dating another woman and she saw texts of the woman sending nude pictures to him. She sent me a message on Facebook apologizing, and I sent her a sticker of The Joker laughing.
 Manofsubstance1970
Joined: 7/8/2017
Msg: 370
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What stops a man from cheating?
Posted: 11/20/2017 3:59:50 AM
Repeat - I would say a few factors are the main reason why some men cheat on women:

1.The menopause is obviously a significant change women go through and a large number of women go off sex during and after the change
2.Low libido ā€“ a large number of women suffer from this problem and 40+ is around the age this starts to happen, because their sex drive starts to decline
3.Pregnancy - a large number of women go off sex during pregnancy and after pregnancy
4.She no longer shows him any affection and no longer has sex with him, because she has lost all attraction for him

The answer to the question is to keep your men satisfied in the bedroom and you will considerably reduce the chances of him cheating.

If you have been a victim of a cheating man, then look at yourself first and think about the reasons why you may have pushed him into the arms of another woman

I have never seen any women admit that a man cheating could be down to them not giving him any sex in the relationship and never admitting that they had cheated on the man before he cheated, but I always see them shouting that they were a victim and not responsible for the failure of the relationship(denial)

Why does society treat women different if they cheat on men? Why do men always get the short end of the shit stick? Why is it always vengeful, angry, unforgiving women who complain about men, but never look at their own behaviour, take responsibility for their bad choices in life, take responsibility for the failure of their relationships or failed marriages?

I rarely see men complaining about cheating women and perhaps we are just more forgiving and more accepting of women's behaviour, because society does not hold women accountable for their actions or choices and treat them like small helpless children, who in societies eyes can do no wrong and they only highlight the positive contributions women display, but never the negative contributions

Double standards again - Men have to be responsible for every choice we make, but women never are, so the clear sexism in society highlights how demonised men are and how much hate the SWJ feminist spread and they are brainwashing other women into believing in their lies, their hatred and their fear of all men

 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 371
What stops a man from cheating?
Posted: 11/20/2017 6:29:25 AM
"When a person catches their spouse cheating, the first time they think its a one time thing"

>>>based on my observations, and Generally Speaking of course...I find that people having a problem in a relationship with someone they care about, work on keeping the relationship. Those who decide its not worth the work when they can just step out...either have a lot of opportunities, or they don't care as much about their partner as they used to. They may even think, their partner is too dumb or uncaring to catch them at it. I had an exgf a couple of years ago look me up to help her cheat on her emotionally abusive husband...claiming he wouldn't even care if he caught her.

I don't think someone who really cares about their partner, cheats. They go to counseling, they try to make it work inside the relationship. Generally Speaking again, someone who doesn't care about what you think enough to cheat on you...probably doesn't care what you think, on a lot of other issues as well. Unless they were immediately presented with an opportunity, I suspect the cheating partner showed their disdain in a lot of ways leading up to the event. Belittled feelings and opinions of the partner. played games with money. stopped providing a unified front to the children. et cetera. I don't think someone wakes up one day and begins looking to cheat, they have lost respect before then. Of course, there are examples where a spouse gets drunk on a business trip with the "office spouse" and such, I think those are the "one and done" bad choices made.

and then there's the serial cheater, i'm thinking (spoiler alert!) Vera Farminga's character in the movie "Up In The Air". Sometimes, we see an opportunist, and think that's a great quality--they won't pass up anything, they are a go-getter, they are an alpha. There was a study back when the Ashley Madison guest list was made public. they found a correlation between personal, and professional, ethics of the cheaters:

https://www.npr.org/2016/04/28/476060486/ashley-madison-hack-inspires-social-scientists-to-look-behind-the-names

we might pick a partner who doesn't judge us for our willingness to play in the grey area...b/c they are doing it behind our back :) or I could go far and ruminate that the type of guy who would tell a wife her husband, his friend, is cheating...is exactly the type of friend the cheater wouldn't have in his life. Or at least, would not be his confidant :) but in seriousness, my first gf cheated on me, and no one told me just b/c...they didn't want to get involved. They didn't know me well enough to care, and why stick their neck out. And I knew my gf was whacked in the head, I ignored her attempts to get me to date her b/c I knew she was whacked in the head, and my stubbornness made her more interested in me (b/c she was whacked in the head), until I decided not to pass up a silver platter-opportunity.

sometimes, when its too good to be true...:)
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 372
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What stops a man from cheating?
Posted: 11/20/2017 8:53:02 AM

gtomustang
and then there's the serial cheater, i'm thinking (spoiler alert!) Vera Farminga's character in the movie "Up In The Air". Sometimes, we see an opportunist, and think that's a great quality--they won't pass up anything, they are a go-getter, they are an alpha. There was a study back when the Ashley Madison guest list was made public. they found a correlation between personal, and professional, ethics of the cheaters:

https://www.npr.org/2016/04/28/476060486/ashley-madison-hack-inspires-social-scientists-to-look-behind-the-names

I have to admit that I really liked that movie, it appealed to me on many different levels. The very inhumanity of the job that George Clooney was performing. His lack of human interaction on any meaningful level. And then when he did let down the barriers, reach out to another human being ā€“ Bang! She wasnā€™t really there, she did not exist.

And I liked the ending, the way the director left it hanging. Was he or wasnā€™t he? My opinion, he was just going back to the same old same old. Others I have discussed this with believe that he was going to chuck it all and take off for parts unknown. What do YOU think?

Back on track, I went and read that interview on NPR. I had not seen that before, interesting. I tend to like risk-takers, I find them to be much more interesting people to know. Not necessarily cheaters, but people willing to take a chance, color outside the lines, ā€¦
 9Pluto
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 373
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What stops a man from cheating?
Posted: 11/20/2017 9:26:32 AM

If your husband/wife allows you to have sex with others, I wouldn't be inclined to refer to it as "cheating". The sneaking, dishonesty and betrayal factors are what truly make it cheating.

I know a few poly couples, and some of them have made it work over the years, but one, in particular, had an agreement they could be with others as long as there was a face to face meeting with the new lovers. They adhered to this for 14 years until last year when the husband decided to mess around with a woman without introducing her to the wife first. He simply needed the rush of doing something sneaky, and now their marriage is over.


By 'allows' I meant acquiesces, because they have no negotiating position, in other words, maybe they are smitten and can't imagine divorcing even though they strongly suspect he cheated and do nothing about it. If they are not willing to pull the plug, that's going along with it enough, establishing a new goalpost, whether you want it or not.

The open couple you mentioned is a great example of the institution of marriage in the Biblical tradition of "One Flesh", which pretty much sums up in two words what it is/was supposed to be about. If the individual puts themselves above the union in any way physically or emotionally it is a violation of "one flesh". In the case of lustful cheating, it is as if you took your partner's body and defiled it with the one you cheated with.


Pluto, I was fine with the relationship as is. He wanted to get married. I had no reason to close my eyes to anything in order to proceed with marriage, since it wasn't an interest. How can you say I didn't see signs? Don't you think people are sneaky about what they do, just like everyone else that has something to hide?

For me, there was no assault on my dignity. If anything, I felt like giving myself a pat the back for quickly throwing him out. It was invigorating and liberatingā˜ŗ I could be the first divorced person in my extended family. You could call me a trailblazeršŸ¾

How can I say we are all responsible for our actions without sounding like a critical meanie to anyone who has made a leap of faith? If you didn't want to get married, that was all you needed to know. Why would you get married simply because he wanted to, when you weren't looking for that life-changing step? It is hard to blame him for wanting to marry you and continue being the person he always was. Such a tragedy he may have led you on to believe, or you simply assumed, he wasn't going to put his wants and needs above the marriage he proposed.

He showed his true colors after the fact you mention. I can't know if you spent the time necessary to vet him as marriage material? If you just walked away happily, there sounds like there was no love lost and you knew well before the end that it was a mistake. That is a lot to go through to hang on to a good hiking companion ... It doesn't mean he wasn't an a** or justify in any way his fails, only that there are consequences and responsibilities for our decisions. I didn't get married because at the moment I should have, my parent became terminally sick and the situation was such that it was a fork in the road, and I chose to be a round the clock caregiver which was ten times longer than I ever imagined. So now face the consequences of what I did, and how much do I regret having no children like nobody ever will know. In your case all may be fine, Ms Trailblazer In mine, not so much, and if anyone understands the love and concern in my situation, it is you & Capri.

9
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 374
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What stops a man from cheating?
Posted: 11/20/2017 11:13:03 AM
As Pig had mentioned, it's not just the cheating, but all the lies and sneakiness that goes along with it. It's the person not caring that if they get caught, they don't care if it breaks your heart. Why on earth would someone sign up to stay with that kind of a person?

It's said that couples tend to go to counseling when it's too late. I like to know how many marriages were actually saved by counseling. I see counseling as browbeating a guy into a false submission. If a guy wants to "go his own way"?, I say let him. I don't believe in forcing a relationship.

Pluto, when someone cheats, they don't care enough about you. Counseling can't make someone be loyal if it's not a trait they possess. I simply have no problem letting go of someone that cheats. They broke a bond of trust and intimacy. If someone thinks they would be okay having sex with their partner that was having sex with other people, then they can have a go at it, but it is a deal-breaker for me. To stay means you have low self esteem, it doesn't mean you love the person.

 9Pluto
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 375
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What stops a man from cheating?
Posted: 11/20/2017 12:13:27 PM
NYer, counseling here was initially suggested for a relationship in which a woman was withholding intimacy they previously enjoyed together as a weapon to manipulate her husband, and did not understand this was an issue that could stimulate him to cheat. Counseling could help in a situation like that if that was the primary hangup, and it was carried along in the posts as an option.

I agree with you on all counts in your last post, and am not encouraging mandatory counseling in the Catholic sense when it is obvious it is a dead end, with the sole intent reconcile both partners, forgive, and continue to uphold their marital obligation to support each other's faith and savior. To me counseling is a good idea for people who are so passionately wound up they benefit by having a neutral arbitrator or authority to school them on what is right, wrong and equitable.

As Arlo commented, people frequently are irrational, but may still want to make the effort. In other cases, certainly in your case, it is better to have a reckoning = either a clear new leaf or a divorce. I think you did the right thing. If you did a good job vetting and accepting his proposal, there is nothing more.

Because you spoke of people who are "natural cheaters like him" and that you were pressured into marrying. Sounded to me like a reg flag requiring vetting - "Natural Cheaters" frequently are easy to spot. They rarely put the needs of the couple first.

Sticking together is not always motivated by low self esteem, some people stick together out of necessity, even after one has broken their vows by cheating. Economics. logistics, need for a companion at all costs, overwhelmed with life alone, and many other reasons people find. Some married people aren't even bothered mutually converting into roommates, there are all kinds out there.
Cheers
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