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 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 19
backgrounds & compatibilityPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)
socio-economic would depend on a variety of things, I'd guess - would his parents/friends accept you, and would you be willing to put up with their disapproval if not, as just one of them... then of course there are the foundational things - outlook on life, life experiences, hopes for the future etc. are most of those shared? Are there enough things in common to make it work? While opposites may attract I don't believe that they are necessarily the best combination in the long run.

Whilst I've not had experience being with anyone long-term of a different socio-economic background to my own, I was married to someone from a foreign country (Canada, I'm English.) There were some differences just because of being brought up in our differing Countries, but the main problems between us lay in familial (not nationality) upbringing and outlook etc.

re. the phone relationship, I'd meet before planning anything long term, or even any romantic relationship with the other person - so much of who the other person is at the other end of the line is coloured by our own wants/ hopes and understandings - the other person can be a vastly different person 'in real life', even through no fault of their own... it's not impossible if a phone relationship is all you're hoping for... if you're looking for more than that, then you'll need to meet to find out
 Justmytypewriter
Joined: 2/8/2011
Msg: 20
view profile
History
backgrounds & compatibility
Posted: 2/23/2011 12:43:01 PM

A question for you: What experiences have you had dating or marrying someone from a very different socioeconomic background?
[...]
Does it matter? Can you still be compatible? I've been in a phone "relationship" with a guy for several years (never met), and we have great rapport, but so many differences - we are basically the polar opposites in terms of background and experiences regarding childhood, family, education, lifestyle, travel, everything. Is this an impossible match?


Well, it's sort of impossible to build a relationship with a person you've never met. But as far as different backgrounds are concerned, it is mainly a matter of open-mindedness along with ability and will to compromise.

I actually think that any socioeconomic differences should be relatively easy to overcome; it's different cultural and/or religious backgrounds that present much bigger differences, and couples overcome those successfully every day; often embracing the differences in their backgrounds as chances to broaden their horizons and actually enrich their lives.

In the end it comes down to the two people involved: If you really want to overcome those differences and if you really want to put in the extra effort, you might be in for an extraordinary relationship experience. If you'd rather stick with what you know and shy away from the related challenges, by all means, stick with what you know.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 21
view profile
History
backgrounds & compatibility
Posted: 2/23/2011 1:11:07 PM
Polar opposites? I don't worry as much about upbringing anymore. Once you are in your 40's I would hope to God that what your Daddy did for a living or what side of the tracks you grew up on has little to do with how you fare economically, socially or fiscally these days.
I couldn't handle a radical vegan anymore than I could a Rush Limbaugh wanna be these days
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 22
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History
backgrounds & compatibility
Posted: 2/23/2011 1:22:51 PM
You know your thread is a lot like the atheist vs. the Christian threads or the high vs. low libido threads, it will mostly depend on how important your culture and financial postilions are to you. If it's not a big deal then the differences usually don't matter, if you feel poor and resent the rich or the other way around, then you are going to have some big fights trying to convince or bring down the other person. If their families hate you or think you are evil, then there's probably going to be a big problem unless you both plan on cutting off the family members all together. When there's a huge purple elephant sitting in the middle of the room, it's going to be pretty hard to ignore...if you both love big purple elephants and use it as a positive then you just might beat the odds. If you resent the huge purple elephant you are going to build resentments against your partner, blaming them for the horrible decor.
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 23
backgrounds & compatibility
Posted: 2/23/2011 1:28:59 PM

It' been my choice not to meet


Then you are NOT compatible.


And Abelian - your sarcasm and meanness are not helpful. I respect the wisdom of elders - but that doesn't mean I blindly follow "rules". That's why I asked the question.


Grow up..YOU chose to pose a question and don't like the answer.


Why are you asking if you have no intention on meeting or can take what people have to say on the subject?

You are phone compatible only it seems.

A similar background so far as values is very important in my opinion.
I prefer they also know what a fork is..
 dare2c4yourself
Joined: 11/9/2010
Msg: 24
backgrounds & compatibility
Posted: 2/23/2011 1:44:14 PM
You never know what it's like without direct interaction so even if things look so good on the phone, online, don't go thinking this is IT. You need to be together to see how two persons are as a match, their goals, so paying attention to little things that feel like a red flag is very important ..... my own experience here, hard learned lesson sort of.

It's not always the bacground but what's happening between the two ears of each person and how two can mix. Some would prefer to stay within their financial level so they feel safer they don't meet someone after their money mainly.
 Twilightslove
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 26
view profile
History
backgrounds & compatibility
Posted: 2/23/2011 2:47:21 PM
A question for you: What experiences have you had dating or marrying someone from a very different socioeconomic background?


I married someone from a relatively different socio economic background twice. During the marriages I didn’t think of our difficulties or differences to be so much about our different background. Today, looking back at it all, I see how our different backgrounds played a part in the problems that occurred. I don’t necessarily blame my partners for that as it was something more important to me than I had realized so it would be more my aversion to the differences than theirs. Apart from that though, there were plenty of other reasons that the marriages did not work out. My parents sheltered me too much from the reality of other backgrounds and I felt like I was lost in OZ during most of my marriages. It was not a comfortable place to be for me. Today I think I could accept someone from another background better as now I have knowledge of what to expect.



A relative once told me (based on experience) "Never marry someone from a different background." In this case, it was a very long term relationship between a highly successful person from a difficult background, and a relatively privileged person, both educated.


Your relatives experience was probably the right thing for them yet it is not necessarily something that would affect you in the same negative way that it affected them. Although I suspect that you have clung to this advice for your own personal reasons and that it might be best to follow their lead if that is so.


Does it matter? Can you still be compatible? I've been in a phone "relationship" with a guy for several years (never met), and we have great rapport, but so many differences - we are basically the polar opposites in terms of background and experiences regarding childhood, family, education, lifestyle, travel, everything. Is this an impossible match?


You are not comfortable with this situation although the fantasy aspect has kept you involved with the phone conversation. You do not know the real person behind that phone and you have made him out to be things that he probably is not. That, plus the fact that you question the background differences is enough to feel that you are best not to meet him.


It' been my choice not to meet...we live in different cities, several hours apart, and based on past relationships I am very gun-shy. I wanted only friendship, but now we have gotten kind of emotionally involved, and I don't know what to do.


Same as above.


And Abelian - your sarcasm and meanness are not helpful. I respect the wisdom of elders - but that doesn't mean I blindly follow "rules". That's why I asked the question.


I didn’t note any meanness in his post. His post seemed like his usual comments.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 27
backgrounds & compatibility
Posted: 2/23/2011 2:55:06 PM

And Abelian - your sarcasm and meanness are not helpful.

I wasn't being sarcastic or mean. I was stating a fact.

I respect the wisdom of elders - but that doesn't mean I blindly follow "rules". That's why I asked the question.

I respect the wisdom of people who can explain what is wise about what they tell me in a way that makes sense. Being old doesn't make a person wise.

The bottom line is that all you have is a phone relationship. For me, that's enough to decide whether or not to meet someone. Everything else I decide was decided on a case by case basis in accordance with what I wanted without using some sort of weird conventional wisdom based on how things work for the 1 sigma crowd as a guideline. I have my own guidelines to determine whether or not someone was compatible. Then again, I met someone in person before deciding anything about someone I already hadn't easily ruled out.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 30
backgrounds & compatibility
Posted: 2/23/2011 4:43:25 PM
You can work out money, but you can't work out intelligence.
 WalksOnWater2
Joined: 5/19/2009
Msg: 33
backgrounds & compatibility
Posted: 2/23/2011 5:12:11 PM
I have dated people from different backgrounds.
Me, coming from a middle class upbringing and considering myself open-minded, mature and socially experienced, I thought I can relate to everyone no matter what their background.
It turns out that it is one more of these cases that it takes two to tango.

It is not enough to be able to see other people’s point of view, they have to be able to see where you come from, and that was not usually the case.

It time, I figured that I can better relate to people who come from similar to my own background (social, economic, educational etc.), or similar. Even if it is not always obvious at the beginning, there have been signs of either resentment, or superiority emerging overtime. Who needs that in a relationship….

 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 34
backgrounds & compatibility
Posted: 2/23/2011 7:53:43 PM
I think differences in background, money, culture, even religion can be overcome. I don't think it would work well if one person were significantly less intelligent than the other.


I have to agree with this sentiment. I also believe that one does have to be roughly equal in intelligence to the other person in order to be compatible with them. If two people are able to reason with each other and arrive at a meeting of the minds, no difference is insurmountable. They can more readily overcome such obstacles as differences in background, money, culture, education, and religion---even core values.
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 35
backgrounds & compatibility
Posted: 2/23/2011 7:58:55 PM

I don't think it would work well if one person were significantly less intelligent than the other.-niagara45
I dont know about that Niagara, I have some clients that has a spouse that is as dumb as a tree stump, mind you the person has the look, its amazing what people will put up with when their partner is blessed with good looks.

I have a teammate of mine and his Girlfriend is one smokin lady, but she is one nasty biotch, Ive seen her chew out a waitress for bringing water with ice, and he puts up with her, me I would of kicked her to the curb a long time ago
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 37
view profile
History
backgrounds & compatibility
Posted: 3/8/2011 6:13:54 AM

you two don't even know if you can stand how each other smells.

Interesting that someone put that out there; I once knew a wonderful, very beautiful woman, who's scent reminded me of my sister. The relationship was doomed before anything started. Sure, it was the only time for me that ever happened, but it is something we need to know before we contemplate anything more than friendship with someone.
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 38
view profile
History
backgrounds & compatibility
Posted: 5/2/2013 11:45:16 AM
Just like most questions people ask in the forum, it depends entirely on the people involved and the situation. This is not one answer fits all kind of thing.
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 39
backgrounds & compatibility
Posted: 5/2/2013 2:18:12 PM
One reason is that if the woman comes from higher society then her friends and family will look down upon you . They probably do a lot of talking behind you back as well . In my life experience I have found few if any well to do or those from the privileged class actually have what would be considered courage or honor . In this day and age there are a lot less people that have actually earned their wealth , most are what are termed , trust fund babies .
 lostnfoundluv
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 40
backgrounds & compatibility
Posted: 5/3/2013 11:48:59 AM
"Never marry someone from a different background." In this case, it was a very long term relationship between a highly successful person from a difficult background, and a relatively privileged person, both educated.

I've been in a phone "relationship" with a guy for several years (never met),
Is this an impossible match?

please let me know when you guys are having " phone marriage "
 sddude
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 41
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History
backgrounds & compatibility
Posted: 5/3/2013 12:41:29 PM
I married a woman who was a homeless orphan, very poor. I made 100k , she was almost starving, never had an issue , she was the most highest quality person I ever met in my life. The only thing I wanted was a nurturer that would love me and go to church with me, that was the only perquisite. She was cute too so she had things I liked.

Two people of quality with the same beliefs can overcome other things, bad quality humans no matter how much similarity's they have rarely work out, selfishness and issues break things.


Too bad my wife died years ago , even women who have alot in common with me , really do not cut it if they have really negative issues or beliefs in their life.
 theanswerguy2
Joined: 4/3/2013
Msg: 42
backgrounds & compatibility
Posted: 5/3/2013 1:29:17 PM

A relative once told me (based on experience) "Never marry someone from a different background."


Does it matter?


Most people in the US already tend to marry someone of a similar background and socio-economic status, and within 5 years of age, and it hasn't made all that much difference, if any difference, in the divorce statistics.
backgrounds & compatibility
Posted: 5/3/2013 10:23:03 PM
(haven't read through all posts)

Forgetting about this being a "phone" relationship, which means that it practically isn't quite any kind of real relationship...but otherwise, with things like this, OP, people make these things more complicated than they have to be. Try this two-component formula:

1 - Forget about "all of the differences" between the two of you, and forget all of the good things you could list. Instead, do something that few people do...ask yourself what are those 2 or 3 things that matter two you, as if this person didn't exist, what are the couple or so things that are the central, defining, important things that make a relationship, for you. What is it that really matters most, despite all conceivable details. Then see if they exist in your "relationship" with this person.

2 - Now run through all of the differences, and even commonalities, one by one, there are between you and this person. Ask yourself if there is any difference or commonality which either runs against what you established in #1 above, or is relevant in any way that affects this.

Think over what you come up with, and go from there.


In my life experience I have found few if any well to do or those from the privileged class actually have what would be considered courage or honor

I agree with this.
 tnt8
Joined: 4/22/2013
Msg: 44
backgrounds & compatibility
Posted: 5/4/2013 2:47:53 AM
Never marry someone who has not worked for a living. Having had a job is important - it demands results, and responsibility, and builds character.
backgrounds & compatibility
Posted: 5/4/2013 6:43:58 AM
Arg. I wrote 'two' instead of 'to' in my post. I'm such my own worse grammar nazi.
 marilynh77
Joined: 12/29/2012
Msg: 46
backgrounds & compatibility
Posted: 5/4/2013 7:13:14 AM
Phone relationship? What's that?
There was this guy on pof from Florida, he's still on, who have his profile on more than one dating sites and have a relationship with a lady from Lufkin. THEY NEVER MET. He have had real relationship with many women in the time he's friend with this poor soul. She knew about him and many women, she have cried over him many times. She's saving herself for this guy while he bangs every girls he can. Are y'all one of those?
A relationship, in my opinion, is face to face and needs time and personal connection one on one. A phone conversation is like a pen pal, lots of talk.
Background differences have different meaning~ cuture, economic, how one was raised, etc
Two people with different upbringing and culture can make it works out, but being phone buddies? How is that a relationship?
 fieryredhead77
Joined: 12/17/2012
Msg: 47
backgrounds & compatibility
Posted: 5/4/2013 8:30:40 PM
I have a sister who met a guy online. They talked for hours everyday. She took a trip to England and her layover stopped in a town near where they lived and they talked for 20 minutes IRL. After that they got engaged. They have been married for 10 years.

I have even heard stories about how a long time ago people wrote letters to each other and got married just from that. And they married and stayed together forever.

Just because our times are all about fast, now, perfect, whatever, doesn't mean it can't work. It depends on the people.

As to the backgrounds thing - I married someone from a different culture. I would say to anyone considering it to think long and hard. How similar are the cultures, how are women treated, that type of thing. But even marrying someone from your own culture doesn't mean it will be successful. Relationships are difficult and both people need to be willing to work on it all the time for it to work.
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