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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?      Home login  
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 sensualseekerns
Joined: 6/1/2010
Msg: 526
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?Page 22 of 37    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37)

In short he can play the victim to the hilt. He can use his disorder to control others. He can blame and rage and abuse and it is not his fault because he is "handicapped".


This is an issue I have commented on before. There needs to be specific legal definitions attached to people with this disorder when they are arrested or otherwise accused of criminal intent. They are completely aware of their intent, yet chose not to address it. This is a behavioral issue that often get misrepresented in legal cases. Thus the BPD afflicted person walks away from punishment.


Funny - he regularly accused me of playing the victim - in fact he screamed "victim, victim, victim" about a foot away from my face while I was gasping for breath and in pain due to a couple of broken ribs from an accident.


I have the same kind of problem with a friend with BPD. She yells at me and says "your not a therapist" when her destructive thoughts are challenged. The fact that I was, and have worked in the area of psychological counseling was lost on her chaotic mind. When confronted with a truth they cannot evade their way around, most BPDs go into tantrum mode.

This is a very common symptom of people with BPD. Judging by your other posts I would say you were indeed dealing with a man who has the more dangerous level of BPD. Stay away from him no matter what your heart may tell you.


That was when I began to think "sociopath" as well as BPD.


The rage that some BPD people carry out is very much sociopathic in practice, although they are not sociopaths. The difference is that a sociopath is a mimic that does not understand the emotional level of the actions, while an aggressive BPD person not only understands their action but craves the emotional trainwreck that can come afterwards. This will happen even when it makes both the innocents into victims and the BPD person a victim in their own mind. It is how they justify defending themselves or their insecurity based beliefs with violent reactions.
 LovingKittyCat123
Joined: 12/14/2011
Msg: 527
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/18/2011 12:33:17 AM
There were times I wondered about it. The rollercoaster was no fun. Quite tiresome for me exspecially when I just wanted to sleep. Then I got sick and it got even harder to tolerate. Till this day I will never know but I do know something wasn't right and it wasn't me. My only solution was to limit the time spent together. Thank GOd my dad was a social worker. He prepared me for this. He even referred to his himself as dr jekyll and mr hyde. That goodness he realizes that. I had to walk out the door many times. Bottom line it is the illness not the person. This person will always be dear to me like many others in my life. From what i heard like many other illnesses it only gets better with medicataion that is taken regularily and of course love and support from friends and family. You must be a very good person. Many people would have left and not returned. Your a strong woman!
 Majordork79
Joined: 10/24/2011
Msg: 528
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/18/2011 1:15:34 AM
So some of you women who have dated men with BPD, how does it feel like to deal with common issues men have to go through with just the average women?
 imacipher
Joined: 11/14/2011
Msg: 529
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/18/2011 1:21:12 AM
Does a Psychopathic Narcissist count?
*Narrator: You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's the signpost up ahead - your next stop, the Twilight Zone!*
*laughing*
 artskier
Joined: 12/12/2011
Msg: 530
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/18/2011 7:25:11 AM

The threats are classic BPD, but...in this context they're coming from feeling impending abandonment, and do actually reduce anxiety.

I guess this is something that will always be difficult for me to understand. The threats had the effect of either escalating the conflict or actually bringing on the abandonment that was so feared. He claimed to hate the conflict but he was the one who created it - but of course he was able to blame me. He would "have" to be conflictual because of something I had done, according to him.


I was brought up in such chaos, that I didn't realize that there was any other way. I didn't know "normal" or anything resembling it.

This I can understand. I think one of the reasons I stayed in this hellish relationship for as long as I did was that having been abused as a child it seemed normal to have abuse and "love" coming from the same person. But the difference is that I could see a difference by looking at the world and the other relationships around me. I could see that my relationship with this BPD man was not normal but my misery was. Talking to others about what was going on helped tremendously. I guess there are several reasons why a BPD person cannot do this. Denial is likely a huge factor.
 artskier
Joined: 12/12/2011
Msg: 531
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/18/2011 7:27:10 AM
Majordork,
Either I do not understand your question or you have no idea what some of us are talking about.
 Quazi 100
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 532
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History
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/18/2011 11:22:35 AM

And I suspect there are at least a couple of reasons why he would hang on to his "attachment anxiety". One is that it can serve to relieve him of any responsibility for his behavior - he can blame it on his "condition". The other reason might be that he can demand "special" treatment because of his "condition". If a partner is willing to give him that special treatment and take on the responsibility for being the "cause" of his bad behavior because he has this "condition"and the partner is not taking the proper actions to coddle him he can have it made in the shade.

In short he can play the victim to the hilt. He can use his disorder to control others. He can blame and rage and abuse and it is not his fault because he is "handicapped".


That's why it's on his profile.

Any woman who dates him has been "warned", and agrees to "deal" with any implications that may arise.....


Funny - he regularly accused me of playing the victim - in fact he screamed "victim, victim, victim" about a foot away from my face while I was gasping for breath and in pain due to a couple of broken ribs from an accident. Of course he first denied doing this and then found a way to justify his behavior as I had supposedly done something to set him off. That was pretty much the beginning of the end for me. That was when I began to think "sociopath" as well as BPD.


Believe it or not, again....anxiety. He was probably scared that his "responsible" person was in pain, and not in tip top condition to handle her responsibilities. He certainly didn't know how to handle them, but couldn't show it....so he became angry at you because he was frightened.

Not a sociopath....very messed up thinking.
 Quazi 100
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 533
view profile
History
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/18/2011 11:42:41 AM
This is an issue I have commented on before. There needs to be specific legal definitions attached to people with this disorder when they are arrested or otherwise accused of criminal intent. They are completely aware of their intent, yet chose not to address it. This is a behavioral issue that often get misrepresented in legal cases. Thus the BPD afflicted person walks away from punishment.


I think I've mentioned that I (and my boyfriend it was mutual) was arrested for assault a number of years ago.

Long story short, we both had significant mental health histories. We were placed on six months probation, and both had to see a Psychiatrist for six months. No criminal record.

Any trouble with the law after that....we would be treated like anyone else.

If someone wants to break the law, and keep breaking the law, and sees themselves as a perpetual victim....that's their choice. They get three squares, and a mattress in jail.


I have the same kind of problem with a friend with BPD. She yells at me and says "your not a therapist" when her destructive thoughts are challenged. The fact that I was, and have worked in the area of psychological counseling was lost on her chaotic mind. When confronted with a truth they cannot evade their way around, most BPDs go into tantrum mode.

This is a very common symptom of people with BPD. Judging by your other posts I would say you were indeed dealing with a man who has the more dangerous level of BPD. Stay away from him no matter what your heart may tell you.


I agree with this for the most part....

Your friend probably perceived that she was being attacked...yes verbally attacked. And had she actually been with a therapist, she may have felt the exact same way as when she was with you. If a BPD isn't ready to fix themselves, they aren't going to believe what ANYONE says.....because we don't trust anyone.

Unfortunately, the literature doesn't always get it 100% right. Usually the errors occur in the intent of behaviour. Again, unfortunately, BPD's lack identity, and sometimes we don't know why we do things ourselves, so it's hard to explain to others. One thing I can say for sure...the more identity, the easier the explanation.

I agree with artskier staying away from her ex no matter what.


The rage that some BPD people carry out is very much sociopathic in practice, although they are not sociopaths. The difference is that a sociopath is a mimic that does not understand the emotional level of the actions, while an aggressive BPD person not only understands their action but craves the emotional trainwreck that can come afterwards. This will happen even when it makes both the innocents into victims and the BPD person a victim in their own mind. It is how they justify defending themselves or their insecurity based beliefs with violent reactions.


This is one of those places where intent is incorrect "sociopathic" level rages come from one place.....EXTREME FEAR.
 artskier
Joined: 12/12/2011
Msg: 534
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/18/2011 3:27:13 PM

I agree with artskier staying away from her ex no matter what.

no worries there - I was a bit of a slow learner - tried to remain friends even after a divorce and the dynamic did not change even when the intimacy was removed - but I have not spoken with him in a month and have not been in his presence for a few weeks more. It just gets better and better every day!
 artskier
Joined: 12/12/2011
Msg: 535
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/18/2011 3:47:29 PM

That's why it's on his profile.

Any woman who dates him has been "warned", and agrees to "deal" with any implications that may arise.....


The only thing is that she can give his "condition" daily care and feeding and it will never be enough. The bar will keep being raised, there will be a never ending list of things that will piss him off. Then the verbal and emotional abuse will start up and unless she is willing to tolerate his cr** and give him whatever he wants he will leave. And then want to come back and start the whole thing over again. And don't forget a suicide threat or two thrown in when/if she tries to stand her ground.

No. He has not given a warning. Not anywhere near a real warning. But I guess he might weed out the ones who would not last more than a few minutes with him. Or he might end up with someone who is worse than he is.
 Quazi 100
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 536
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/18/2011 4:20:15 PM

no worries there - I was a bit of a slow learner - tried to remain friends even after a divorce and the dynamic did not change even when the intimacy was removed - but I have not spoken with him in a month and have not been in his presence for a few weeks more. It just gets better and better every day!


If he has as much trouble coping as you've suggested, I suspect that you haven't heard the last of him.

Forewarned is forearmed.
 artskier
Joined: 12/12/2011
Msg: 537
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/18/2011 4:53:24 PM

If he has as much trouble coping as you've suggested, I suspect that you haven't heard the last of him.

Forewarned is forearmed.


I figure it will occur on the same cycle of 7-10 days. Every conflict as well as every attempt at contact has been within that same range. I counted the days and that is why I did not answer the phone those two times it rang the other night.

What is also quite interesting is that he does not come up on my list of "matches" her on POF even though he lives not too far away. Then I realized that my account will filter out those who have messaged for sex/intimate encounters. Well, there you go.
 garvey14
Joined: 6/6/2011
Msg: 538
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/18/2011 5:42:58 PM
Dated, married, had a child with and divorced. The difficult part is accepting that while one aspect of their personality can be incredibly loving the other aspects are not so great. At some point it becomes too much to deal with and you come to the conclusion that you can not help this person. They are the only ones that can help themselves.
Medication can help but often times when they are feeling as though they no longer need it they slip back into old behavior and the roller coaster begins again.
 xfdrivenbogan
Joined: 3/29/2011
Msg: 539
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/29/2011 8:56:05 AM
Wow I just read some of this topic and all I can say is wow, I have Aspergers and was chringing when I read the title of this topic but now I realise I'm just a socially awkward ****, lol not really wanting a label that ends with "path"... But on the othewr hand reading this has explained the actions of some people close in my life..... thanks :)
 CptJohnSheridan
Joined: 11/23/2011
Msg: 540
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/29/2011 9:32:41 AM
Worse, then better, then worse, then better, then worse, then death. Wish I knew then what I know now.
 Randal5
Joined: 10/23/2009
Msg: 541
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/29/2011 2:39:40 PM
I believe that I have. The most frustrating aspect for me was dealing with their skewed reality and their changing the reality to fit their needs. Once the reality has changed there is absolutely nothing that will convince them that the event in question did not happen the way they viewed it at the time or their revision . Yes I know, it's because that is their reality. It gets worse if you can follow...Sometimes my description of what really took place was rejected only to become their reality later, but retold as if they were correcting me. I think I might have lost myself with that one. The really scary part is that they are so convinced that theirs is the true reality that you start to question your own . Maybe it was me all along and now I'm so confused I will never realize it? Help!I may never be able to post here again. Where are my meds?
 Quazi 100
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 542
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/29/2011 3:42:55 PM

I believe that I have. The most frustrating aspect for me was dealing with their skewed reality and their changing the reality to fit their needs. Once the reality has changed there is absolutely nothing that will convince them that the event in question did not happen the way they viewed it at the time or their revision . Yes I know, it's because that is their reality. It gets worse if you can follow...Sometimes my description of what really took place was rejected only to become their reality later, but retold as if they were correcting me. I think I might have lost myself with that one. The really scary part is that they are so convinced that theirs is the true reality that you start to question your own . Maybe it was me all along and now I'm so confused I will never realize it? Help!I may never be able to post here


Relax, randal5....

You're right.....or correct.............

I understand your post perfectly.

If I change the word "reality" to "perspective" your post is very accurate.

This also ties into the borderline "lying" debate. Sometimes our PERSPECTIVE is so skewed, that it appears that we're "lying" when in REALITY we are not only not lying, we believe wholeheartedly what we said to be true. That's why we can be so convincing when we explain our PERSPECTIVE to you.

If our perspective in an of itself is skewed, do you think that we heard your perspective correctly?

This comes under the heading of the instability of identity.....our "definitions" of things can change frequently, depending on how "stable" we are that day.



I once had a conversation with a badly paranoid schizophrenic woman. She was clearly on her own wavelength, and it was not one I'd ever seen before. Then she started talking about a topic which shared a small resemblance to a "conspiracy theory" but was different.

Even though what she was saying was not even close to being rational....I started to understand what she was saying.....when it started making sense, I begged off, and left the room....it frightened me.
 Randal5
Joined: 10/23/2009
Msg: 543
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/29/2011 4:54:11 PM
Quazi 100, Yes ,perspective or perception fits nicely. I also agree with the "not lying" reference. It makes it very difficult to tell if they are lying in the true sense. You also wonder what they are telling family and friends about you and how much was believed by them without question.
 johnnyvincent
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 544
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/29/2011 5:10:20 PM
i had a relationship with a woman tht had this same disease and obviously they need to work it out alone i tried for 6 years im sorry to tell you the rollercoaster must crash
 Quazi 100
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 545
view profile
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/29/2011 6:58:01 PM

Quazi 100, Yes ,perspective or perception fits nicely. I also agree with the "not lying" reference. It makes it very difficult to tell if they are lying in the true sense. You also wonder what they are telling family and friends about you and how much was believed by them without question.


Some families and friends will remain loyal to the borderline no matter how outlandish their claims are.

As I became more neurotic and overreactive, my family practically wanted me to produce documentation to prove whatever claim I was making. They came close to disowning me.

I had a physical health issue, that my Doctor wanted me to ask my family members about because he couldn't figure out how it would have originated. My sister did not believe me, and wanted to know if this diagnosis was in writing.....it was.
 ruspukin
Joined: 9/29/2010
Msg: 546
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 12/30/2011 12:55:58 PM
dated a woman with high end autism...she lacked any compassion in her heart (which is one of the symptoms of autism, depending on the degree), and a very unnatural and unhealthy sex drive.
 LarryGrover
Joined: 5/14/2011
Msg: 547
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 1/18/2012 5:17:42 PM
Well I'm reading these posts and I notice we have two camps going. The academic perspective folks,"back in college my Professor...." and then the one's who have experianced it first hand, we could refer to these as the shell shocked. If you are looking for stuff on Borderline here the chances are good you belong to the second camp or are in the process of getting initiated into the second camp. Read all you want, try as hard as you want, adjust your behaviour . Try to bring peace to this relationship. The more you do the worst it will get. The people who do best with borderlines are the ones who set strict bonderies. Like"if you do that again the beating you're going to get will be twice as bad as the one I just gave you". Now if you've really driven the element of fear into this pyschopath and she's more scared of you then anything in the whole world, you might have a working relationship. Of course you might also be trying to explain to the judge what she did that drove you to these extreems and it will all sound pretty silly because somehow it's crazy and doesn't make any sence. Now I certainly don't want to be in a relationship where fear is the glue that makes it work and nobody will understand because they don't know how borderlines behave. Borderlines move the target. This is where lets say you parked your car here and they had their spot one day your in deep shit. And somehow when they explain it to everyone you will sound like an ass. That's another thing my little borderline was always doing PR for me of course you don't know what she's saying but believe me everyone can't believe what a Saint she is for putting up with you. Enter a room where she's spread her poison it'll get real quite. She told her son I didn't like him. Where she got that is she was complaining about having to pay off his college loans and he makes all this money. I merely said it would be nice if he helped. That became I didn't like him. So that was why I was getting the silent treatment from him. This sounds somewhat crazy it is. Just run run run and let those intellectuals read about it in books and give there advice. They really don't understand run, run, run. Of course once you've taken this very good advice she'll be sweet as shit to you trying to intice you back into the web for one more round. This is not done on purpose this is how she's wired come here go away and one day you'll be as nuts as me.
 newlysingle31
Joined: 12/14/2011
Msg: 548
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 1/19/2012 3:55:12 AM
OMFG yes! My ex has (in the personal opinion of my addictions counsellor friend) BPD. The lies, and then the lies to cover the lies, all to cover doing whatever she wanted (cheating over and over) and then telling me it was all my fault and that I deserved it for abandoning her. This, despite the "abandonment" being me working my @$$ off because she was unemployed/in school/pregnant and I had to pay the bills for both of us.

We were engaged at one point, and then I found good reason to believe she was sleeping with a guy (I now know he was far from the first). I told her things needed to be fixed if she EVER even wanted to be engaged again. Did she fix it? No. She used the "Do you know how it feels to be engaged and then have someone take that away from you?" as an excuse to go shag more/other men...

I've been finding out that she's been trying to start relationships with these f***buddies the whole time so she could take my son away and go be with them, despite most of them being drug-users or alcoholics. But every time I had suggested going our separate ways, she'd flip out, insist we were made for each other ("lobsters" for the Friends fans), and demand we go to counselling.

Recently, she left me because she was dating another guy. The lies and the accusations she's now making about me to everyone we knew... The heavy drinking and the chain smoking... And I've got proof she's pulling the same stuff with the new bf...

If you even suspect someone has BPD, I would leave them. It needs some serious professional help before someone with BPD (or at least this case) can be healthy for themselves, much less for a relationship.
 Quazi 100
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 549
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 1/19/2012 9:22:00 AM

OMFG yes! My ex has (in the personal opinion of my addictions counsellor friend) BPD. The lies, and then the lies to cover the lies, all to cover doing whatever she wanted (cheating over and over) and then telling me it was all my fault and that I deserved it for abandoning her. This, despite the "abandonment" being me working my @$$ off because she was unemployed/in school/pregnant and I had to pay the bills for both of us.

We were engaged at one point, and then I found good reason to believe she was sleeping with a guy (I now know he was far from the first). I told her things needed to be fixed if she EVER even wanted to be engaged again. Did she fix it? No. She used the "Do you know how it feels to be engaged and then have someone take that away from you?" as an excuse to go shag more/other men...

I've been finding out that she's been trying to start relationships with these f***buddies the whole time so she could take my son away and go be with them, despite most of them being drug-users or alcoholics. But every time I had suggested going our separate ways, she'd flip out, insist we were made for each other ("lobsters" for the Friends fans), and demand we go to counselling.

Recently, she left me because she was dating another guy. The lies and the accusations she's now making about me to everyone we knew... The heavy drinking and the chain smoking... And I've got proof she's pulling the same stuff with the new bf...

If you even suspect someone has BPD, I would leave them. It needs some serious professional help before someone with BPD (or at least this case) can be healthy for themselves, much less for a relationship.


I'm re-stating this, because some people don't go back and read previous posts....I am BPD, and so was my Mother.

I read your profile, and you say that your son, and family are very important to you.

If your son is still with your ex, if you could get custody of him that would be a good thing. Even if he isn't BPD, he will probably grow up to be like her....monkey see, monkey do.

Don't be obvious about it, or she will go to great lengths to keep him from you. Sounds like she' out of control, and if you're very careful, you may be able to slowly get more control of your son, so that she can pursue her extracurricular activities. Don't divert her attention from that.

If I'm way off the mark, I apologize.
 Blueyes4youbabe
Joined: 11/19/2009
Msg: 550
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 1/19/2012 10:59:46 AM
Yes I dated a lady like that. When she was down she would not leave the house or speak to no one for three days. Not my cup of tea. She was a lot of fun to be around when up but I had to move on. These kind of people would require us to have a tremendous amount of patience and understanding. Best of luck.
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