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 Padawan61
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 59
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality? Page 3 of 37    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37)
the swings can be lightning-rapid. You really are walking on eggshells, and the name of the book I'm currently reading, to help me and the rest of my family deal, is "Stop Walking on Eggshells". The author started the website BPD Central

You may choose to invest the time in reading a book because you're dealing with family member(s) with the condition. However, if they were just friends or acquaintances ... reading a book on how to deal with such craziness is more trouble than they're worth. I certainly would not even bother spending the $19.99 for such a book. It's better to just kick them to the curb. Who wants to to walk on eggshells for the rest of their lives in a relationship with them ... not knowing if they gonna hug you or axe you to death?? Gives new meaning to the phrase ... "the bigger the smile, the sharper the knife". You have to watch your back around these whackjobs.

BPD Central?? Is that related to Comedy Central??
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 60
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/15/2011 6:21:32 AM

Furthermore, some of these nutbars exhibit rapid swings between seeing others as monsters and saints ... depending on their moment to moment mood. They could praise you one minute and condemn you the very next minute.


This is one of the reasons why they are so intoxicating. When they are on the nice side, wow, they are incredible, they are connected to you. But when the disconnect happens it so drastic that it makes you question all that they did, said, said they felt before.

Now on the Gray statement above. My experience is that they only see in extremes, not grays, and they judge everyone of that extreme. However, their extreme way of judging others do not apply to them, they themselves are tones of gray because in their mind, they have an excuse for every one of their actions. They do not behave irrationally in their mind. You caused it. The boss caused it. The "look at what you made me do" script plays with them all the time.

On the walking on eggshells point, that is so true. You have no idea what is going to set them up. The interesting thing is that since my split, some people were friends of her have emailed me to tell me that now that I am not around, they have become the bad person to whom she has unleashed her wrath.
 NewToTN9
Joined: 11/12/2010
Msg: 61
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/15/2011 11:02:08 AM

According to the fundamentals of statistical collection, drawing a specious conclusion designed to cast negative light on the legitimacy of dates experienced by females such as: "Yet, by virtue of this thread, it appears that more women has experience dating someone with BPD than men" is inherently flawed when basing it on a population sample consisting of approximately 3x as many women responding as men.

So I went back and validated your claim and it appears the respondents are pretty evenly distributed by gender. To that end, how exactly did you derive your 3x figure?

Note: Personal attacks are against forum rules. Something for you to consider after seeing some of your responses to various posters on this thread.
 elkcall
Joined: 1/4/2011
Msg: 62
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/18/2011 11:08:40 AM
Originally posted by Padawan61:

Judging from all the testimonial posts on people's past experience with BPDs, bipolars ... and whatever other catchy, cool labels out there ... I'm beginning to think that the mentally disturbed was somehow short-changed by God when he was handing out brains. How else can we explain all the defective people in the world??

Some of these people were handed out normal brains, but something tragic happened in their first few years of life such as the death of a parent or a parent abandoning them which resulted in being 'mentally disturbed', as you put it.
 Padawan61
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 63
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/18/2011 10:24:42 PM
^^^^^"Short-changed by God" covers alotta ground. Those personal "tragedies" brought on by the Almighty could've side-tracked these people and they missed the brain-boat. So they had to settle for the factory-reject, demonstrator, bargain basement floor model. Therefore, my post still makes sense ... from a theological perspective.

This is one of the reasons why they are so intoxicating. When they are on the nice side, wow, they are incredible, they are connected to you

Connect to me like what?? Leeches?? After a while, their incredibly "nice" side kinda wears thin and a person goes pukey whenever they try to contact ya. No thanks.

But when the disconnect happens it so drastic that it makes you question all that they did, said, said they felt before

I conclude they were insincere in everything they said, did or felt ... and dismiss them on that basis.

Now on the Gray statement above. My experience is that they only see in extremes, not grays, and they judge everyone of that extreme. However, their extreme way of judging others do not apply to them, they themselves are tones of gray because in their mind, they have an excuse for every one of their actions

Completely in agreement!! From my personal experience, they condemn you for your earthly sins while quietly ignoring their own and declaring sainthood for themselves. Like Harvey Two-face from Batman.

The interesting thing is that since my split, some people were friends of her have emailed me to tell me that now that I am not around, they have become the bad person to whom she has unleashed her wrath

These unstable refugees from whacko asylums have to unleash their wrath on someone. If you're not the handy scapegoat, they'll choose a victim in closest proximity to them.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 64
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/19/2011 12:43:32 AM

You knew "something" was different. Like what? i.e. temperament, behavior towards you, etc....

In retrospect, I think it was that his body language was very closed, while he was verbally very open. I didn't notice it as such at the time.

P.S. I meant "scary" in that one would not know how to approach this person from one second to the next. Like "walking on eggshells".

Over the course of a few weeks or so, I did grow to have that feeling with this person. Because I was so in love with his pets, and because he was in therapy and thus I didn't think it'd get any worse (I wasn't expecting improvement, but 'not worse' was okay with me), I was willing to deal with a certain amount of this kind of, well, crap.

But it was getting worse, and to his credit, he realized that and called it off.

Which was a weird experience in itself. He had no interest in how I felt about it. It was just over. I never even had the opportunity to ask to visit the pets, he cut me off so quickly. He didn't even ask for me to return the turnpike transponder he'd given me (I did mail it, of course - though he never returned my Dexter DVD, dammit). As far as he was concerned, all he had to do was tell me he couldn't do this right now, and his job was done.

And this was someone who had said, and I believe really meant, that he could see a future with me. That's the thing about people who have this. They mean it at the time, they really do, so it's easy to get sucked in. But they mean something else, that's mutually exclusive with the original thing, equally strongly, about what feels like five minutes from then.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 65
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/19/2011 12:48:35 AM
Addendum: He was an absolutely fantastic pet owner. I don't know whether or not this is associated with the disorder. I think it might be, like, either they're terrible at it, or great at it. He was great at it.

I still miss his two dogs and two cats. And they liked me, too. Darnit.
 junipermoon
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 66
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/19/2011 5:14:13 PM

though he never returned my Dexter DVD, dammit


now, that's truly evil.

do whatever else you want, but don't touch dexter.
 Padawan61
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 67
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/19/2011 6:39:09 PM
We don't want them psychos getting a hold of Dexter DVDs now ... do we, juniper?? There should be a law against BPDs, bipolars, etc. viewing the Dexter series. We don't want them getting any new ideas. It's bad enough sane people must watch our backs ... letting borderlines watch Dexter would mean we have to sleep with one eye open.
 Vamperella
Joined: 4/27/2010
Msg: 68
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/20/2011 4:19:18 AM
Is cynicism a condition these days as well?? Because they (whoever they are) really ought to consider it to be worthy of a label as such.

They called Einstein a lunatic did they not? :)

 bipolarintense
Joined: 4/2/2011
Msg: 69
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/20/2011 4:47:21 AM
One post that's it? It would be helpful if you told us if it was diagnosed or not. If he's undiagnosed and says he has it, it could just be his excuse for being an asshole.
 Padawan61
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 70
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/20/2011 10:41:29 AM

They called Einstein a lunatic did they not?

Yes ... but Einstein was a major contributor to the scientific community with his many theories, including the famous Theory of Relativity ... divided into General Relativity and Special Relativity flavors. I highly doubt that the average BPD crackpot would even know of the two distinctions ... much less make any sort of scientific contribution.

Einstein was genius crazy. Regular BPDs are just stupid crazy. Nice try on the Einstein connection though ... but no dice.
 Vamperella
Joined: 4/27/2010
Msg: 71
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/20/2011 3:03:32 PM
tbh...i don't know if i've ever dated a person with BPD....i've dated a couple of people that would become angry over what i would consider trivial...but i don't know enough about the condition to call it BPD.

Heck...i get a case of the "irritables" when i'm stuck behind somebody on the road doing 30 k's in an 80 kph zone<<<---------<< should i whack a BPD label on myself for that?

 starzgirl72
Joined: 2/23/2011
Msg: 73
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/21/2011 10:22:08 AM

Upon reading all of your comments, without trying to sound negative, it seems that most of you wish to avoid people like him at all cost. I sort of understand, but it is an illness. If you do truly care you can help them. I sometimes think that some people would wish people with mental illness just went away.

No, not at all; I don't wish any ill will upon those that suffer from BPD and have no problem being a platonic friend or acquaintance. But that is very different from dating, marrying, and/or having children with a person who has a mental illness like BPD.
 starzgirl72
Joined: 2/23/2011
Msg: 75
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/21/2011 10:55:16 AM
but what if you truly loved them. Or are you saying they shouldnt be in relationships whatsoever?

No, not saying that they shouldn't be in relationships at all, but I think a lot of that depends upon how severe their illness is. Someone with a milder form may be able to handle being in a relationship as long as they're medicated properly and see their psychiatrist and therapist regularly but someone with moderate to severe would be very diffuicult to date let alone marry or have kids with since their behavior and moods tend to be all over the place and can be unpredictable.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 76
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/21/2011 12:59:25 PM

but what if you truly loved them. Or are you saying they shouldnt be in relationships whatsoever?


I can tell that you really love this person. That is admirable. I understand how you feel because I was in that boat as well. But the more you and your partner recognize the triggers, the more new triggers that they evolve. The other problem is that many times when they feel good, they stop taking their meds, and then enjoy those feelings, until the meds are off their system and they begin by picking small fights and simply viewing everything from a negative perspective. You invite them to some event, and little things happen that in the end they do not go. They are constantly sabotaging events, relationships and while you recognize it and you still love them, you let them get way with stuff. Before you know it, you can't see the forrest from the trees, and everything you do is colored by their moods, their negativity and the constant criticism they have of YOU and people that are around YOU. Consequently, eventually your friends, your family does not want to have contact with that person.

So at some point you are going to have to realize that you will never, ever be able to change them. They will change you instead and turn your whole outlook in life into one of being defensive.

Since you love this person, you will have to live through this. Just realize that if at some point you need to bail out, it's not your fault. You tried.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 78
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/21/2011 1:50:36 PM
The classic book on dealing with a BP is "Stop Walking on Eggshells." It's very good, and gives some idea of why BPs behave the way they do and how to address it. Another good book is "Breaking Free from Boomerang Love." The latter is a bit more religious than I'd care for, but the author lived it and has a number of good suggestions.

The BP I went out with is in the toughest spot of all--her case is not severe enough that she'd be forced to get help, but severe enough that she's incapable of having any kind of "normal" relationship. It started out as heaven, and progressed to hell after about 5 months or so.

You have to decide if you're willing to tolerate the abuse--there is no other appropriate word--from the BP. I finally realized what was going on and decided I was not willing--and cut the cord. It has been seven blissful weeks of silence since I've heard from her, though several people say she's very likely to reach out at least one more time.
 matchlight
Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 79
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/21/2011 2:23:24 PM
I don't know if I've ever dated anyone who had that disorder, but if so I didn't know it. Nor would I have been likely to, because she almost certainly wouldn't have told me she'd been diagnosed with it.

It's very controversial right now whether there even is such a thing as "borderline personality disorder." The fifth version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual--the DSM-V--is now being prepared. And I've read that it may eliminate some of the things (like borderline) that were first classified as "personality disorders" in the 1930's. The label is harsh; it was originally used to identify patients who were on the borderline between being just "neurotic" and outright "psychotic"--and who therefore had a poor prognosis.

Some of the world's top experts in this field now consider BPD as a variant of bipolar disorder. That's very important, because it suggests that medications which are usually effective for people diagnosed as bipolar may also work for those (about 75% of which are women) who have been diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder.

As evidence builds up that drugs can alleviate disorders that are usually considered "mental" or "emotional," it gets harder to maintain that people who suffer from them have some fixed, innate problem with their "personality." After all, if we knew pressure from a brain tumor was causing someone to hallucinate and show other symptoms of schizophrenia, we wouldn't say that behavior was just characteristic of him, that he had a schizoid personality, etc.

There are a couple things about bipolar/borderline disorder that are especially wicked. One is that it makes people who have it go into rages at times, and then they say and do very cruel, hurtful things. So they get shunned and condemned when they already feel unlovable. They don't even get much sympathy from psychiatrists, particularly if they've been diagnosed as "borderline." What must it be like to suffer so much from something you wish to God was not afflicting you, and to know it makes you do things which cause people to despise and distrust you?

Another cruel trick this disorder can play on people is to keep them from doing as much as they might to get rid of it, or even to make them deny they have it, and blame it on other people when things go wrong for them. The good times that the disorder brings on can be very pleasurable and exhilarating, and some people are reluctant to give them up. And because their highs and lows make life seem dramatic and exciting, these people don't want to follow the dull routines of eating, sleeping, etc. which seem to be a very important part of fixing the problem.

It's not a good idea to get involved with a person who suffers from this problem, unless they've shown they are absolutely committed to doing all they can to control the symptoms. But I think everyone should do their very best to treat them sympathetically, in any case, out of compassion and common decency.

Maybe if they felt more accepted, they wouldn't feel as ashamed of their disorder as they often do. They never should. I'm very sure that the intense depression and anxiety these people experience is often like a living hell that never seems to end. There's no excuse for making them even more miserable by treating them like pariahs.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 80
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/21/2011 4:45:39 PM

Furthermore, some of these nutbars exhibit rapid swings between seeing others as monsters and saints ... depending on their moment to moment mood. They could praise you one minute and condemn you the very next minute.


Interestingly enough, I've encountered a few of those loveable nutbars over the years. They can be very colorful, emotional people that are quite passionate about things that matter to them---however, that doesn't mean they have BPD.

In fact, I find them infinitely more entertaining than those boring, passive individuals that repeatedly prattle on and on about the same old topic. They're like a dial-tone ... forever monotonous.
 honeycognac
Joined: 11/22/2010
Msg: 81
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/21/2011 9:28:29 PM
Colorful and passionate is one thing - and I agree - for example, I love creative, artistic people - but it's all on a continuum - when it goes towards the extreme of very mentally unstable people who tend to create crises or live a chaotic life - who can be emotionally abusive and out of control - well then it's not so "entertaining" - instead, it can threaten your own sanity.

And matchlight - If you were involved with a person with BPD, you would have known it.
I know both bipolars and BPD's. Bipolars may suffer from the stigma of mental illness, but most of them will still get treatment, and will respond to it. BPD's all too often deny that there is anything wrong with them. They will project onto their loved ones - "you're the one who's crazy".
 Padawan61
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 82
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/22/2011 1:58:10 AM
Heck...i get a case of the "irritables" when i'm stuck behind somebody on the road doing 30 k's in an 80 kph zone<<<---------<< should i whack a BPD label on myself for that?

There's a BIG difference between ... being "irritable" over life's annoyances ... and flying into fits of rage (from moment to moment) depending on mood at any given time. If you can't see that difference, why are you posting??

The mental asylum escapee that I had to deal with has a fear of abandonment. Due to this fear, the person experiences constant disconnect from reality ... with perceptions based on that disconnection, where they perceive those who had abandoned them to be still thinking about them. They desperately cling to this notion to compensate for that abandonment feeling. The person cannot come to grips with the fact that their former friends simply don't care to have anything to do with them. We do ... however ... compare notes on the bizarre experience so that we may avoid such pitfalls in the future.

When all their past relationships had failed for one reason or another ... the only common denominator ... is THEM. But because of their denial, they can't accept the fact that they're mentally fukked up ... and was the cause of such relationship failures. Really pathetic if you ask me. They hate POF with a passion but simply can't stay away ... returning again and again with a new profile to post in the forums in order to affirm and validate their fragile egos. I should've known that such a forum poster has deep psychotic issues but they're able to hide their condition and draw you into their chaotic world with phoney (initial) sweetness.

The updated DSM-V is probably modeled after such a person. Sorta the poster child for research into psychiatric disorders. I wonder if they get a financial kickback for their cooperation into the research??

Furthermore, some of these nutbars exhibit rapid swings between seeing others as monsters and saints ... depending on their moment to moment mood. They could praise you one minute and condemn you the very next minute


Interestingly enough, I've encountered a few of those loveable nutbars over the years. They can be very colorful, emotional people that are quite passionate about things that matter to them---however, that doesn't mean they have BPD.

In fact, I find them infinitely more entertaining than those boring, passive individuals that repeatedly prattle on and on about the same old topic. They're like a dial-tone ... forever monotonous

I beg to differ. BPD or otherwise, these people can be quite montonous themselves as they repeatedly prattle ... as you said ... about their self-worth and perceived accomplishments. Once you hear for the hundredth time how they hoped to make a difference in someone's life by saving them ... you kinda start yawning when they go into this self-preoccupation for the ... one hundredth and one-th time. Overly emotional without any sort of control are the types that you have to "walk-on-eggshells" around.

when it goes towards the extreme of very mentally unstable people who tend to create crises or live a chaotic life - who can be emotionally abusive and out of control - well then it's not so "entertaining"

Precisely!! The extreme, out of control, chaotic, unstable, crisis creating whackos do so in order to draw attention to themselves. Anyone who thinks that such nutcases are "lovable" or "entertaining" are probably a bit on the imbalanced side too.
 Vamperella
Joined: 4/27/2010
Msg: 83
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/22/2011 2:32:54 PM
I'm posting because i disagree with the whole "let's slap a label on and call it BPD" thang. It's easy for us to do that though isn't it? Because it helps us to deal with someone or something who dares to stand outside our perception of "normality". The latter being undefinable anyway, because we all have our own ideas of what is and isn't normal...do we not? :) What i want to know is....who is counselling the counsellor who has labels firmly grasped in hand ready to classify....or do we automatically accept what they say because they have a strip of bark that says so?
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 84
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/22/2011 2:45:53 PM

What i want to know is....who is counselling the counsellor who has labels firmly grasped in hand ready to classify....or do we automatically accept what they say because they have a strip of bark that says so?


I don't know, but as is with everything you see a series of pattern and the recurrence of those patterns. There are some that are clean and pretty much black and white, but then there are those that are not. Like the guy saying here that the symptoms on this one person were not strong enough for medication, but strong enough to destroy relationships.
 hardbody60
Joined: 11/18/2009
Msg: 85
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/22/2011 3:41:54 PM
this is a battle you will never win cut your loses and run
 hardbody60
Joined: 11/18/2009
Msg: 86
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/22/2011 3:44:39 PM
then your going to get hurt even more mental ilness cant be fixed as a whole medicated yesthe promblem is still there just taken down a few steps
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