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 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 88
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality? Page 4 of 37    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37)
Precisely!! The extreme, out of control, chaotic, unstable, crisis creating whackos do so in order to draw attention to themselves. Anyone who thinks that such nutcases are "lovable" or "entertaining" are probably a bit on the imbalanced side too.


Really? I have a family member who is not BPD, yet gets angry and flies off the handle from time to time. Because I find this person loveable despite their temper, that somehow makes me imbalanced? I suppose I could give them the silent treatment for 20 years---but that would be neither compassionate, nor constructive.

My sister-in-law used to fly into rages. After she was diagnosed as Bipolar and put on medication to control her mood swings, she was fine. With people who throw tantrums and lash out at others, at least you know what you're dealing with, and can get them into treatment if need be.

It's the ones who, due to a perceived slight from someone, hold grudges and are hellbent on revenge---seething in quiet rage for protracted periods of time, who are the biggest whackos.
 Hazeleyes428
Joined: 10/9/2007
Msg: 89
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/22/2011 7:53:09 PM
I dated this guy who one minute was happy the next he wanted to get drunk to get away from his problems. Does obsessing over his hair and the way he dresses does that fall into that category?? He always was checking his hair and always worried if he looked nice and obsessed over how much he ate.
 matchlight
Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 90
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/22/2011 9:36:01 PM
"What i want to know is....who is counselling the counsellor who has labels firmly grasped in hand ready to classify....or do we automatically accept what they say because they have a strip of bark that says so?" @Vamperella

Good question. I understand there's quite a controversy about these diagnoses among the committees of doctors who are drawing up the DSM-V. They're concerned about several things that don't seem quite right:

"Borderline personality disorder" is a negative label--it says, in effect, "You're half-crazy, and that's just how you are." It also dates from the 1930's, when there were practically no medications for mental disorders.

Three-fourths of the people who receive that diagnosis are women. And yet there's no solid genetic evidence that this disorder is sex-linked. That suggests the possibility of misdiagnosis.

Some of the world's leading researchers in this field believe there is no such thing as "borderline personality disorder," but that it's just a type of bipolar disorder. The symptoms are almost the same as in people with very-rapid-cycling bipolar.

Many psychiatrists, apparently, view "borderline" patients as a royal PITA. That means that if you receive that diagnosis, you're not likely to get medications which might help.

There's a good chance a person diagnosed as "borderline" will be more or less warehoused in some sort of facility. "Borderlines" make up more than one-fifth of all psychiatric inpatients.

More than a few psychiatrists resent that these people--who they probably don't much care for anyway--tie up resources which could be better used on other patients.

A few studies suggest that medications used in bipolar disorder are useful for "borderline personality disorder." But just the fact this problem is viewed as a built-in, relatively unchangeable part of someone's personality discourages research on treating it with drugs.

And yet it's happened before that a drug developed for one purpose was already available, but no one knew yet that it was also had other uses. For example, some antidepressants had been used as such for many years before experiments showed they also worked against anxiety disorders.

I've read that this is a very hot area of research right now, with new drugs being evaluated. So there is hope. But all the while, about a tenth of the people diagnosed as "borderline" will be taking their own lives. However obnoxious or impossible these people are, and however miserable they make other people's lives, it's worth remembering that they're suffering even more.
 Padawan61
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 91
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/22/2011 10:14:46 PM
I'm posting because i disagree with the whole "let's slap a label on and call it BPD" thang. It's easy for us to do that though isn't it? Because it helps us to deal with someone or something who dares to stand outside our perception of "normality". The latter being undefinable anyway, because we all have our own ideas of what is and isn't normal...do we not?

You may disagree with the labeling but your argument ... "Heck...i get a case of the "irritables" when i'm stuck behind somebody on the road doing 30 k's in an 80 kph zone" sounds pretty weak.

There are certain societal guidelines for being "normal" that is VERY definable whether or not you agree with such definitions.

You're one of these people who is trying to blur the dictionary meaning of "normal" to encompass everyone. And like your Einstein connection, the idea is flawed.

Fits of rage, running rampant with their other emotions, spewing hateful and vitriolic remarks at the unfortunate "victim" is very much "cut-and-dry" examples of what is NOT normal. You seem to want to give BPDs and bipolars the benefit of doubt that they don't deserve.

When we are the recipient of their poisonous toxicity ... we have every right to stand up for our own definitions of what is normal.

The lunatic whom I had the misfortunes of knowing (several years ago) makes the claim that their former friends are vindictive following the dissolution of said friendships (meaning more than just a friendship with me). But they cannot see how vindictive they (themselves) were afterwards ... with post after post in the forums showing their own spiteful and vengeful tendencies ... using the very words spoken in private.

Clearly they haven't heard of the adage ... "If the shoe fits, wear it".

I guess I forgot the identify this condition of PROJECTION (in my earlier post59) that such loonies have also mastered.

Precisely!! The extreme, out of control, chaotic, unstable, crisis creating whackos do so in order to draw attention to themselves. Anyone who thinks that such nutcases are "lovable" or "entertaining" are probably a bit on the imbalanced side too


Really? I have a family member who is not BPD, yet gets angry and flies off the handle from time to time. Because I find this person loveable despite their temper, that somehow makes me imbalanced? I suppose I could give them the silent treatment for 20 years---but that would be neither compassionate, nor constructive

Operative words are from "time to time". The lunatics we're talking about flies into fits of anger at the drop of a hat and switches to "sweetness" and back again ... all within a short span of time. You may have compassion because they're family members but I don't think you will have that level of compassion for a mere friend or even an acquaintance. I certainly would not.

With people who throw tantrums and lash out at others, at least you know what you're dealing with, and can get them into treatment if need be

I wouldn't even bother with trying to get them into treatment when the easiest way out is kicking them to the curb ... especially when they wrongly believe that they have no mental issues to resolve ... and that it is the world who is at fault, not them.

It's the ones who, due to a perceived slight from someone, hold grudges and are hellbent on revenge---seething in quiet rage for protracted periods of time, who are the biggest whackos

It can hardly be called a "perceived slight" when that person lowers themselves to name-calling and other insults ... then slamming the phone in your ear like a two year old. This was going on for more than a year ... longer with the person's other (former) friends. Therefore, since you weren't there ... you haven't the slightest clue as to what you're talking about.

Moreover, when others have had the same treatment from the person at different times and they all have their own stories to tell ... then there is definitely a common thread to the person's behavioral patterns. Thus, it's not as simple a matter as a "perceived slight".
 worknovertime
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 92
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/25/2011 9:51:07 AM
How in the world could a BP be in a healthy relationship? By being on medication. period.

This is the deal though... they quit taking them!

The one I was involved with thought he was the ONLY man in the world with any intelligence... therefore, the docs didn't know what they were talking about.

He quit his meds...and all hell broke lose!

The thing that you need to understand is that it isn't like an illness like say diabetes, or MS. This illness leads them to treat the people close to them like total sh*t! Until you have been on that ride you cannot even begin to guess how weird and awful it is. Imaging never holding a conversation. He twists and turns and throws so much drama ... you are walking on verbal eggshells... like doing a tip-toe thru conversation land mines....next thing you know..you aren't even talking about anything that makes sense! The conversation you tried to hold is so lost in the drama and mess... you learn to just give up. What sort of relationship is it when one person is ALWAYS left out of the equation? Everything must suit the BP... everything must revolve around the BP.

How can anyone have a healthy relationship (or any long term relationship with a normal person) when they cannot control themselves? I do not know a single person who has been involved with BP who has maintained that relationship once SO stops the meds.
 deepestdesire
Joined: 3/15/2011
Msg: 93
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/25/2011 12:05:34 PM
I'm a little crazy and have no intention of getting on medicine. Once you get on that stuff, you stay screwed up. You're one of those people who are on "anti depressants"...

Life is depressing and beautiful. People have trust issues, rage issues, and psychotic tendencies (or what about those people that can't confront anything and are total weasels).

I'm just saying, it takes a positive and a negative to balance the world.

Now, when people are actually hurting other people, that's a different story...

I have a bad mouth when I get upset, but usually it's because I've let stuff fester.

I'll walk away before confronting sometimes because I know I need time to chill. I don't have to be labeled as disabled or otherwise crazy to know I have issues, and I sure as hell don't need to stifle my creativity or other good works by being stoned on freaking pills.

Eat healthy, exercise the rage away and it's okay to be different.
 insightredux
Joined: 10/8/2010
Msg: 95
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/27/2011 6:46:50 PM
I always see stuff like this and shake my head. First off, how is it that we are supposed to not judge people on race, creed, etc, but we rush to label people based on some dsm bs. A book that put out by the a.p.a, that more or less keeps them gainfully employed. Are there real mental issues, sure. But what gave the a.p.a. the right to label people and create stigma's that as evidenced on this forum, really wreak havoc?When the kkk, black panthers, etc its bad, these guys do it, they get government funding and kick backs from big pharma. Or pump people full of drugs, when something like eating a balanced diet would fix the perceived problem. Shrug, its sad i suppose. But i know this, you can trust in your own issues more then you can in your fellow man.

What they need to do is get a site for all those who have these so called issues, so they don't have to deal with this judgmental foolishness..... And of course people love to accept a label on something instead of trying to understand it....
 Hazeleyes428
Joined: 10/9/2007
Msg: 96
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/27/2011 11:10:37 PM
This guy friend I know is up and down all the time. It's like a roller coaster I swear............ I called him today to see if he wanted to hang and he said he was too depressed to do anything. If I call him tommorrow he will be like yes sounds like a plan.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 97
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/28/2011 12:39:26 AM

but what if you truly loved them. Or are you saying they shouldnt be in relationships whatsoever?

Well, with the guy I dated who had this, as far as I could tell he was a great friend, he just wasn't good at getting really close romantically. He was very good to his friends as well as his pets, as best I could see.

But I definitely recommend against romantic involvement if you even suspect this disorder or anything like it.

The person may or may not be suffering what you have in mind, but if your instinct is telling you that something's wrong there, something's off, that's usually based in reality, and I think you should pay attention to it and stay away.

Basically, trust your instincts.
 albinosquirlz
Joined: 3/28/2010
Msg: 98
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/28/2011 1:02:46 AM

Upon reading all of your comments, without trying to sound negative, it seems that most of you wish to avoid people like him at all cost.


Well, what's so strange about wanting to avoid a dysfunctional relationship? Your odds aren't that good with a "normal" person...in the case of a cluster B, a dysfunctional relationship is 100% guaranteed.

Wishing to avoid them is usually not an option anyway, as they don't actually wear a sign. There will be "signs", but if you've already fallen in love with them, you're probably inclined to ignore them for the most part. The real question is how quickly you cut your losses when the honeymoon phase is over.




I sort of understand, but it is an illness.


You can call it an "illness" if you like, but you can't equate it with actual medical issues like cancer or diabetes. While the exact causes are not known, it certainly falls into the "character flaw" area. Everything they do is based on "choices", not some degenerative disease they have no control over.



If you do truly care you can help them.


The most you can do is be supportive...that's if you happen to be involved with a cluster B that is self aware and truly wants to change (which isn't common).

But trying to help some one with a serious problem with dysfunctional relationships...by being in a dysfunctional relationship with them...cannot possibly be "helping" anyone.

Anyone who sticks it out with a cluster B because they want to "help" them, is just not facing the fact that the pain of cutting them loose is temporary, while the pain of staying with them is permanent. Where's the equity in being a martyr?

Keep in mind, cluster B's aren't the only ones who have dysfunctional relationships...that's why lots of people are drawn to them like flies to honey. It's easier to forget about them if you're too busy trying to figure what major malfunction you have that got you into the mess.

Yep...love really is a cruel game. And the kicker is...getting dealt into the game is mostly involuntary. But if you remember the one simple goal of the game...having your feelings reciprocated...then you can cut your losses and fold when it is clear they won't.
 albinosquirlz
Joined: 3/28/2010
Msg: 100
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/28/2011 12:48:48 PM

The person may or may not be suffering what you have in mind, but if your instinct is telling you that something's wrong there, something's off, that's usually based in reality, and I think you should pay attention to it and stay away.

Basically, trust your instincts.


But that is to assume all instincts are good.

An abuser's instincts will tell them to get involved with the BPD, because they are easy (and often willing) targets.

A codependent's instinct will tell them to get involved with the BPD, because they are the perfect codependent partner.

Even if you are a so-called "healthy" person, your instincts will only protect you so far. Our instinct is to try and rescue those who are suffering, and the lure of the BPD is a strong one in that case. The BPD is also a master of illusion and manipulation...they can fool the best of us...at least initially.

I think finding yourself involved with these people is mostly a case of luck (lack of it). How quickly you recognize and get out of it is the test of how good your instincts are.
 albinosquirlz
Joined: 3/28/2010
Msg: 101
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/28/2011 1:06:20 PM

I agree that the most you can do is be supportive. I will befriend and support those with BPD or any disorder, up unto the point of abuse to myself.


By setting up, and maintaining healthy boundaries for yourself, you are not just protecting yourself...but it is the only thing you can actually do that will help the BPD in your life.

The BPD will never want to change unless they suffer the negative effects of trying to breach the boundaries of others. Even though it comes in the form of "tough love", it is a gift you are giving them. They may or may not ever recognize this gift, but that is something you have no control over...giving is all you can do...receiving is their call.

To allow someone to breach your personal boundaries doesn't just cause you harm...it enables their behaviour and allows the problem to perpetuate. The urge to think maintaining your boundaries is being mean or unkind can be strong, but this is a mistake you WILL pay for.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 102
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/30/2011 12:23:52 AM

But that is to assume all instincts are good.

No, that is assuming specifically that instincts that warn of danger, of something being off, are usually good. I believe that they generally are. Very few people are truly paranoid. For the vast majority, if it feels like something is wrong, it probably is.
 junipermoon
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 103
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/30/2011 4:57:56 PM

The BPD will never want to change unless they suffer the negative effects of trying to breach the boundaries of others.


i don't think that's enough to make the bpd want to change.

at least not in my experience.
 Seakytten
Joined: 10/2/2010
Msg: 104
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/30/2011 5:22:20 PM
^^^I see you still have an issue with me Junipermoon. If you can't let it go then I suggest you take it up with me via personal e-mail and STOP posting thinly veiled postings about me having BPD for 4 plus years. Are you a licensed psychologist?? How is it you can diagnose me on a public forum or anyone for that matter?? It just makes you look bad and we ALL know you need validation as you are SO superior to the rest of us. Again, if you have an issue with me then take it up with me via personal e-mail and not on a public forum. I always thought you were better than that but I was wrong. I don't reply to any of your postings on here because quite frankly, I'm over our friendship. Why aren't you? Why do you feel the need to 'nitpick' about your 'perceived experience with me' when someone starts a thread about BPD? Again, we all know you're smart and all but do you hold a license as a psychologist to diagnose an individual with BPD? Or NPD?? Or OCD?? Or ADHD?? Do you? I thought not..

Have a nice day and it's time to let it go. Please stop this. Please. I could go on and on and ON about your many 'issues' when I knew you as a friend but I'm not. I just don't care and I've moved on..I suggest you do the same and have a nice day. Also, I recall the topic stating: "Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality Disorder?" I don't recall us ever dating..

Kytten
 albinosquirlz
Joined: 3/28/2010
Msg: 105
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/30/2011 8:12:18 PM

No, that is assuming specifically that instincts that warn of danger, of something being off, are usually good. I believe that they generally are. Very few people are truly paranoid. For the vast majority, if it feels like something is wrong, it probably is.


Specifically talking about romantic endeavours, there's way too much going on to confidently think your "instincts" will protect you (in fact, some of your basic limbic system instincts will be working against you). The fact is, few initiate a romantic involvement anticipating it to fail...yet the vast majority do. And a very small percentage involve people with BPD.

Those with BPD are actually better equipped to bypass/over-ride/fool your "instincts". Their manipulative skills are extremely well honed. You won't be expecting it, as you will just assume they are "normal". Most people who've been involved with them, describe the initial 6-month "honeymoon" period as the most amazing time of their life.

I think it may have something to do with gender. Most dx'd BPD's are female (what is it...75% ). The dynamic going on between a BPD female and a male partner is probably a lot different than the other way around. Males tend to not get females in general anyway...they are just "different", and you accept that as a realty. So you are likely to pass off some red flags as just normal female neurotic behaviour, without getting too worried about them.

Initially, the BPD female will be on their best behaviour. There will actually be less problems than usual...they employ a technique called "mirroring", which fools you into thinking that this is the one person who really "gets you" like nobody ever has. It doesn't hurt that they are usually attractive and very seductive (perhaps normally the type who's "out of your league"). Throw in the most amazing sex of your life, and good luck trying to dodge this bullet.

But the BPD cannot keep this charade up forever, and this perfect girl starts becoming less perfect...to put it mildly. Welcome to the meat grinder. You'll waste a little time thinking you can get back to that period. This is where most people start listening to their survival "instincts".

A mature male (emotionally anyway), "MAY" have the ability to see through this charade. A young, immature male (or one who's too motivated by his carnal instincts)...might as well be shooting fish in a barrel.

I'm curious though...you stated you were dating someone when you were aware of their disorder. Why would you do that if you had the rare advantage of knowing this up front?
 kayla1963
Joined: 4/1/2011
Msg: 106
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 4/30/2011 8:13:06 PM
Again, if you have an issue with me then take it up with me via personal e-mail and not on a public forum.

Please take your own advice.


I don't reply to any of your postings on here


Ummm ... WTF is this, then?

Too bad you didn't heed the advice curlygrl and I tried to give you previously.

You aren't helping your cause.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 107
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 5/2/2011 10:09:54 AM

A mature male (emotionally anyway), "MAY" have the ability to see through this charade. A young, immature male (or one who's too motivated by his carnal instincts)...might as well be shooting fish in a barrel.


I guess I was not a mature male, since I feel for all of the above mentioned things. Almost exactly as it was described, including the "mirroring", and the mind boggling sex.
 albinosquirlz
Joined: 3/28/2010
Msg: 108
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 5/2/2011 12:47:19 PM

I guess I was not a mature male, since I feel for all of the above mentioned things. Almost exactly as it was described, including the "mirroring", and the mind boggling sex.


Well, that was a very big "MAY". The success rate for getting into...and out of a BPD relationship in under 6 months is probably ridiculously low...like 5%.

And of course you experienced it this way....the reason these people have labels, is because they follow a pattern, which means the "victim's" experiences are fairly textbook.

There are really only two kinds of BPD relationships...short term (less than 18 months), and long term. Both are dysfunctional.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 109
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 5/2/2011 12:51:20 PM
We started to have small issues of compulsiveness at her end probably around 6 months into the relationship. At about one year she accused me of being emotionally unavailable. By the time we reach the two year mark I know there was something majorly wrong.

You kind of ignore these things at first because they seem like the typical issues between men and women. But they were not.
 albinosquirlz
Joined: 3/28/2010
Msg: 110
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 5/2/2011 1:14:56 PM

We started to have small issues of compulsiveness at her end probably around 6 months into the relationship. At about one year she accused me of being emotionally unavailable.


And somewhere between those two points is where you likely started making it known you were not happy with this compulsive behaviour. And this is the pivotal point where she stopped idolizing you...and started devaluing you (it's always black or white).


By the time we reach the two year mark I know there was something majorly wrong.


Of course you are going to waste some time desperately trying to get it back to the honeymoon period.


You kind of ignore these things at first because they seem like the typical issues between men and women. But they were not.


Well...you probably fell in love with her. Our brains are chemically programmed to ignore shortcomings and enhance their good points when we fall in love. Between two healthy people, this is helpful. When it involves a BPD, it's a recipe for disaster.

And let's face it, for most men, the simple fact of amazing sex will make you put up with all kinds of shit....for a while.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 111
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 5/3/2011 1:44:26 AM

I'm curious though...you stated you were dating someone when you were aware of their disorder. Why would you do that if you had the rare advantage of knowing this up front?

I see you have not read the thread in full. I suggest you do so. That will answer your question.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 112
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 5/3/2011 6:11:39 AM

But in a "dating" situation there is no marriage, no obligation of any kind or expectations, so WHO DECIDES WHO IS BEING CHEATED ON, AND WHO IS BEING CHEATED WITH? Only a hopelessly biassed answer can be given to this about a person who has more than one lovers, because there is no fixed point in her world of lovers against whose existence all of her other relationships can be measured.



I totally disagree with this statement. The moment in a relationship when you tell the other person that you will be exclusive and both agree to that, and it doesn't matter if you are married, or whatever you want to call it, you have now a commitment to that other person. If at some point there after, both decide to have an open relationship and seek a third party or partners outside of the relationship it is fine because both are in agreement. But when one of the partners establishes a romantic connection with another person, without the knowledge of their partner, that is called cheating.

Back to subject.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 113
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 5/3/2011 7:58:01 AM

This sort of assertion always put me to think... who decides who is being cheated on, and who is being cheated with?

Obviously those involved.

But in a "dating" situation there is no marriage, no obligation of any kind or expectations,

In my relationships I spell out my expectations, so yes, there are obligations and expectations which are pretty easy for the average person to comprehend. Lack of comprehension is not an excuse, since I'll clarify anything that isn't clear. If other people fail to do that in their relationships, that isn't my problem.
 albinosquirlz
Joined: 3/28/2010
Msg: 114
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 5/3/2011 8:05:40 AM

I see you have not read the thread in full. I suggest you do so. That will answer your question.


Ok...so I read your other posts. But I still can't figure out if you knowingly dated someone with BPD because you were naive about BPD...or because you were actually more attracted to his pets.

In any event, you describe the event as "brief", which I suppose is a bit of a blessing (well...a HUGE blessing actually). It's a little odd that he dumped you so quickly, but BPD's all have different behaviours when faced with "closeness". And people with BPD, never just have BPD...it's usually comorbid with various other "disorders" as well, which complicate behaviour.

Since he was in treatment for this, it is highly likely he stopped seeing you at the request of his therapist. Treating people with this disorder is a very long and difficult process (for both the BPD and the therapist), and since it is a disorder that primarily affects relationships, it is preferable to not start one while in treatment.

How has this adjusted your thoughts on dating?
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