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 albinosquirlz
Joined: 3/28/2010
Msg: 115
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality? Page 5 of 37    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37)

This sort of assertion always put me to think... who decides who is being cheated on, and who is being cheated with?

I mean, it's all relative. You can say the rock is speeding away from you after you throw it, but a physicist knows and can convince you that you are also speeding away from the rock.

Unless there is a "fix point" in the universe, which serves as reference against which the speeds of all objects can be measured, there is no way of telling, without bias, who is moving and who is not, and in what direction and with what speed.

Same with the cheaters. We can consider in the western world that a marriage is such a similarly fixed point, and sexual activities with persons other than one's spouse, could be considered cheating, I s'pose.

But in a "dating" situation there is no marriage, no obligation of any kind or expectations, so WHO DECIDES WHO IS BEING CHEATED ON, AND WHO IS BEING CHEATED WITH? Only a hopelessly biassed answer can be given to this about a person who has more than one lovers, because there is no fixed point in her world of lovers against whose existence all of her other relationships can be measured.



When a BPD'er proposes a theory of "relativism" to the issue, you know it's really just a case for rationalizing their behaviour.

How do we know this?

Relativism states there is no privileged frame of reference. But in the case of the BPD, there is always a privileged frame of reference....theirs. ha ha
 LindsayPierce
Joined: 4/14/2011
Msg: 116
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 5/3/2011 8:22:22 PM
Does a person with depression count?? This one guy I went out on a date with this weekend was a hot mess. I was trying to enjoy my evening but every five minutes he said how awful his life is.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 117
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 5/4/2011 11:16:49 AM

And somewhere between those two points is where you likely started making it known you were not happy with this compulsive behaviour. And this is the pivotal point where she stopped idolizing you...and started devaluing you (it's always black or white).


Bingo. Everything was extreme, for one end to the other.
 albinosquirlz
Joined: 3/28/2010
Msg: 119
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 5/5/2011 6:40:01 AM

Alot depends on my sister's willingness to access the programs available, I guess.


Parents and siblings of BPD'ers need therapy as much as the BPD does, and are far more likely to be helped by it. Families trying to cope with an untreated BPD family member without professional help usually end up with a dynamic that perpetuates the problems.



Chances are in 10 to 15 years, without therapy, she will just go back to how she knew to survive before.


No...she'll be doing exactly what she is doing now. The "players" may change, but the game remains the same.
 honeycognac
Joined: 11/22/2010
Msg: 120
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 5/5/2011 11:42:32 AM

Parents and siblings of BPD'ers need therapy as much as the BPD does, and are far more likely to be helped by it. Families trying to cope with an untreated BPD family member without professional help usually end up with a dynamic that perpetuates the problems.


I agree with you there. I have very little to do with my BPD sister and have firm boundaries in place, but she's very enmeshed with my elderly mother and it's very much like an an enabler with an alcoholic, but neither one of them will get help. When my mother passes, I"m afraid my sister will turn to me and it will be a nightmare. Yes, I'll be the one needing therapy to keep myself sane.
 honeycognac
Joined: 11/22/2010
Msg: 122
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 5/5/2011 1:59:21 PM
^^^ Yes, we're in the same boat, Carpe. My sister is on provincial assistance as well, she pretends she has a physical ailment, which she doesn't, and my mother also tiptoes around her - same dynamics. We don't confront her because she goes ballistic. I have sent her letters telling her she needs help and she tells me she doesn't read them.

The personal attacks are very vicious. I can never tell her where I work, or who my friends are, because she will phone them, usually anonymously, and slander me with horrible lies. She tried to get me evicted from my apartment.

She will tell me that I'm the abusive one. The next day she will act as sweet as pie, as if nothing happened. Currently she thinks I'm a saint, but I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, and then I'll be a monster again.

You have to watch your back at all times.

Carpe, have you read "Walking on Eggshells"?
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 123
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 5/5/2011 7:28:01 PM
Well let's see: if you need an extra day off after spending a weekend with them,
chances are good.
Hmmm or if you hear yourself muttering WTF, under your breath a few times a day,
chances are good.
Or if you feel like you are continuously talking yourself into starting back at square one to figure out why your here in the first place,
chances are good.
Or let's see your hair is falling out, you are starting to wonder if you have a problem,lol
or you're so exhausted after a visit you can barely get out of bed.
just click your heals together and say take me to the otherside grasshopper.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 125
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 5/7/2011 1:56:59 AM

Ok...so I read your other posts. But I still can't figure out if you knowingly dated someone with BPD because you were naive about BPD...or because you were actually more attracted to his pets.

In any event, you describe the event as "brief", which I suppose is a bit of a blessing (well...a HUGE blessing actually). It's a little odd that he dumped you so quickly, but BPD's all have different behaviours when faced with "closeness". And people with BPD, never just have BPD...it's usually comorbid with various other "disorders" as well, which complicate behaviour.

Since he was in treatment for this, it is highly likely he stopped seeing you at the request of his therapist. Treating people with this disorder is a very long and difficult process (for both the BPD and the therapist), and since it is a disorder that primarily affects relationships, it is preferable to not start one while in treatment.

How has this adjusted your thoughts on dating?

Seriously?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Why would you attack me like this?

What did I ever do to you?

I spoke honestly and openly about my experience with someone who revealed that he had this condition, and you took the opportunity to make a series of cheap shots at me.

Well, I hope you feel good about it. It certainly reveals a lot about you.
 worknovertime
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 126
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 5/7/2011 8:18:00 AM
insightredux

I didn't see your post till now (from April 27)..but..I have to respond.

I can tell you this... bsm bp.. not like race, creed, etc... you bet! I can tell you for a fact that if you are dealing with an un-medicated BP you ARE going to suffer abuse! It is a mental illness, and the people who suffer at their hands are the ones closest to them.

You are so full of crap about "just eat a balanced diet". what bull. Spend some time and learn from the people who have been on the front lines. Baby... walk a mile in the shoes of ANYONE who has been down this road. Yes..you CAN discriminate against people who are violent and abusive, especially to the partners.

YES, you sure can label BP with the same brush....why? because it happens to be a condition that LEADS DIRECTLY TO THE ABUSE OF OTHERS.

Next you are going to be pleading the case of the "poor child abusers" ... Just fix their diet!

Tell you what... take your own advice..go learn enough so that you actually do understand it.

http://ehealthforum.com/health/bipolar_disorder.html
 kayla1963
Joined: 4/1/2011
Msg: 127
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 5/9/2011 7:11:07 AM

If, however, you live in the United States of America, like most of us


Odd ... Your "profile" claims you live in Ireland (Limerick). I suppose that's just another form of relativism!

*kawf* (troll)
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 128
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 5/11/2011 12:41:59 AM

Ha ha it sounds like the experiences I have had with internet dating, maybe I have been dating BPDs without knowing it

AFAIK, that's actually not a crazy idea. If my understanding is correct, people who don't yet know that they have this (and even some that do) tend to be highly social. That would definitely include venues such as this.
 junipermoon
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 130
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 5/25/2011 6:11:20 PM

Now that you have identified the person as having BPD traits, what is the next step?


ok. you need to realize that you have worth. he may have tried to make you feel otherwise.

first of all, if he refuses to admit the problem (many bpds have this denial thing going on), you need to dissociate. give yourself plenty of distance. you need perspective and objectivity. look at the experience as something you might read in a text book. fascinating, yes. but not something that has anything at all to do with you. you didn't cause the problem, you can't control it, and you sure as sh*t won't cure it.

once you get the distance, give yourself some nurturing. do things that bring you joy. do things that give you a sense of achievement. whose life is this, after all? you need to live it for yourself right now.

eventually, you will view the experience as merely a bump in the road, a detour on your path to whatever fulfillment you hope to find for yourself.

read through the forums as others have had experiences similar to yours and have had to deal with the residual slimy feeling left behind. but you will get through this. and you will find your own life again.

all the best to you.
 Quazi 100
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 132
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 5/31/2011 2:08:54 PM

Yes, and it was someone I met here. Yikes. Started very well and went downhill from there.

You can read about it a bit at automaticftp.wordpress.com





We don't call you "normals", we call you NON's.

Nice blog....describes the behaviour well, but obviously doesn't get into her "intent".

If a woman wants you...or any man....to help them with their weight, it's pure foolhardiness to try to accomodate her...Borderline or not.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 133
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 6/2/2011 6:58:06 AM
I can relate to the statement on that bog. That these people first become obsessed with you, they love you, they want you, they want to be with you as much as possible. When I started dating this person, she took one of my used t-shirts because she said she liked to smell it at night. She did tell me all the details about her life, yet when I told her mine, she used the information against me. And in her lows complained that I didn't get her, I didn't to this for her, the other for her. So it went from one extreme to the other.

The thing is, that if it wasn't for the forums I would have not understood what I was dealing with, now I do. All the patterns all the things that people have mentioned here are text book.
 Big_fun_wave
Joined: 2/28/2009
Msg: 134
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 6/2/2011 2:56:39 PM
Yes, as I heard a doctor once say it, there is a real "I love you I hate you don't leave me sentiment". It's different for every person who has it. Despite the fact, they have some illness, every person still retains an individual uniqueness. Just because they have this condition, does not mean they have no self control.
 Quazi 100
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 135
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 6/3/2011 10:52:48 AM

Parents and siblings of BPD'ers need therapy as much as the BPD does, and are far more likely to be helped by it. Families trying to cope with an untreated BPD family member without professional help usually end up with a dynamic that perpetuates the problems.


I should have known that this posting was yours, Albino.......

The fact is, Albino is 100% correct.

I'm not going to address SO's in this post, that's the most complicated dynamic...usually.

I'm going to talk about my sister.

I wasn't even close to being diagnosed BPD when this started...it was about five years prior. Both sis and I have been in therapy for years. Early on, we tried "couples" counselling, (for lack of a better word), and it was a disaster.

Again, before I was diagnosed, my sister set boundaries....didn't explain what she was doing or why....later on, I figured out that she will have brought my "neediness" up in therapy, and the therapist will have told her to set boundaries. Would I have honoured them, if I knew why she was doing what she was doing....I don't know.

Later, after I was diagnosed with BPD, and I knew what I was dealing with, I clued in to the boundaries thing, and started honouring her boundaries without question.

We still had problems. I was honouring her boundaries, but she was in a defensive stance, just waiting for me to break them.....she was anticipating it, and treating me as though I had already broken them.

I finally told her that "without prejudice" I've done what I needed to do, and now the problem was with her. She actually agreed with me.

It's been about 3 years since that conversation, and it's gotten to the point that she doesn't approach me with the sword and shield anymore.

If a person with BPD has made a long standing attempt to "conform", chances are that they're serious about changing, and it's safe to engage them with optimism.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 136
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 6/3/2011 11:27:41 AM

If a person with BPD has made a long standing attempt to "conform", chances are that they're serious about changing, and it's safe to engage them with optimism.


I understand what you are saying, but what happens when said such person agrees that something needs to be done, and they know how negative they can get and want you to correct them from that path, but when you actually do, they go into a deeper argument, and start picking fights not only about things that make no sense, but with people around the family that have done nothing to this person.

What is it required? Therapy? Meds? Both?
 Quazi 100
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 137
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 6/3/2011 12:49:30 PM

I understand what you are saying, but what happens when said such person agrees that something needs to be done, and they know how negative they can get and want you to correct them from that path, but when you actually do, they go into a deeper argument, and start picking fights not only about things that make no sense, but with people around the family that have done nothing to this person.

What is it required? Therapy? Meds? Both?


Because BPD's have emotional dysregulation, dealing with the family dynamic is a minefield for everyone involved.

Even now, a critical word from my sister, would cut deeper than anybody else.

I'm gonna say....family can't help. Like my post above about trying to help someone not eat chocolate, it won't work...no matter how the person asks for help.

Family needs to set boundaries, and include consequences for breaking the boundaries.... and be CONSISTENT...do not waver from the boundaries.....but I believe that is for the most part how far the family involvement should go.

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy was my saving grace. I didn't learn it, or do it on my own, I always had a therapist who would check my thinking, and if I was having difficulty, would offer alernate (Normal, more or less) perspectives to my thinking.

Medication for anxiety and depression can be helpful, but in small quantities, so as not to "block" distorted thoughts and thinking patterns.

I realized that I didn't like my thinking, and was an A student....I was very cooperative....but not until I was diagnosed, and took responsibility for changing.

There are lots of books out there about CBT....the one I used (and I never even read the whole book) was "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns.

I realize that for some families, setting boundaries, and consequences, and sticking to them is really difficult.

The only thing I can say, is that had I not been given boundaries, and not been allowed to cross them, I wouldn't have had any incentive to change my thinking and behaviour.
 Quazi 100
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 138
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 6/3/2011 8:53:41 PM
Now that you have identified the person as having BPD traits, what is the next step? Once you are completely burned out by an intense relationship with a person with BPD, how can you manage getting yourself back?

I noticed that some posts narrate a more Hollywood view of people with BPD, but as it turns out, this person I have been seeing was extremely charming and exhibited "passive BPD " behaviors, such as telling me how much he loved me and how he would do anything for me, yet he would not call for days or ignore me completely. I soon realized he was attempting to control the relationship by withdrawing affection, until I became depressed and blaming myself for not being good enough for him. At first, he was extremely clingy, and well, I thought he was "in love," but after a while he would make comments on the way I talk (I'm foreign) or dress, criticizing my male friends and confessing that he was incapable of having female friends because he would fall for them (corroding my self-esteem) . I didn't pay attention to this. I increasingly felt, however, more and more depressed. Do you have any advice on how to recover from this or ever felt the same way after being with a person with BPD?


I'm addressing this post to try to reassure you that HIS behaviour had nothing to do with YOU.

Because BPD have identity problems, at first, we can be any interpretation of ourselves that we want to be. As the relationship continues, and you get to know us better, it gets to a point where we're going to have to become the image we've portrayed, and if we are having a "low" (the only way I can describe it is extremely low self confidence, or self consciousness, to the point of being afraid of being in public ) identity period, we are sure (not true, but we believe it) that you will see the real "me"....and any kind of rejection, or even criticizm during this time would be a bad thing.

I have just not shown up for things like Dr. appts, Dentist appts....rather than take the chance of anyone seeing me that way.

Or he may have very simply been devaluing you. Again, nothing to do with you...this has to do with his distorted thinking.

I hope you can go through what I've said, and although it's hard for me to explain, and you to understand, try to lift yourself out of the depression, because what you describe is common for BPD....sometimes, we can't cope......and again, that has nothing to do with you.
 jasonsgt
Joined: 1/30/2011
Msg: 139
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 6/4/2011 10:45:56 PM
I havent dated someone with BP, but a good friend has PTSD from his military days. Im not sure if he is diagnosed with BP, but his behavior shows all the signs. Dramatic mood swings, heavy drinking, cant focus on the easiest of tasks, ect. He is a good man and Ive known him for 9 years, but it is so tiring just to be around him. He 'snapped' at me 3 times recently and Ive stopped communicating with him. Though, I feel bad...like Im giving up on the friendship...but its just too much to deal with.
 jasonsgt
Joined: 1/30/2011
Msg: 141
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 6/7/2011 3:01:25 PM

"BP" usually refers to Bi-Polar Disorder and "BPD" refers to Borderline Personality Disorder.

Do you think your friend has Bi-Polar or Borderline Personality Disorder?



I looked up both definitions to be clear, and from what I read, Id say he has BP...and thats only because it said BPD is more of a long term issue. My friends outbursts are short, yet explosive and can be triggered by the smallest of things. His other symptoms are noted in each article I read of the two disorders, so its hard to tell which he has.
 Quazi 100
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 142
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 6/7/2011 5:50:30 PM
I looked up both definitions to be clear, and from what I read, Id say he has BP...and thats only because it said BPD is more of a long term issue. My friends outbursts are short, yet explosive and can be triggered by the smallest of things. His other symptoms are noted in each article I read of the two disorders, so its hard to tell which he has.

He probably doesn't "have" either BP or BPD....he has PTSD, which can very much mimic BPD.

BP-bipolar is Charlie Sheen-Winning!
BPD-is more Mel Gibson-Raging Bull

I'm assuming your friend is a Veteran.

PTSD in Veterans, is tough. I actually did some research for a friend on TBI Traumatic Brain Injury.....which can occur when people are within close proximity to combat. TBI shakes the brain, in the skull, (like shaken baby syndrome) and can damage tissue in the brain. This can also mimic BPD to a point.

The Vets that I know, don't like admitting that anything is wrong....trying to help someone who won't talk, or skims the surface....is very difficult.

Unless treatment is mandated, it's his choice to get help or not.
 tatjana25
Joined: 2/15/2010
Msg: 143
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 6/7/2011 6:40:03 PM
It gets better with the proper treatment.

Which is a mood stabilizer (like resperidone) AND dialectical behavioural therapy.
 Sunshine-99
Joined: 7/14/2006
Msg: 144
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 6/8/2011 12:51:26 AM
Yes, dating a person with that diagnosis is really rough. I was impressed with the nice qualities: street smart, charming, intelligent, sexy, playful, chatty, but then the impulsiveness and drama can take its toll on your well-being. I read somewhere that people w/BPD have above average intelligence- very schrewd. Eventually, this relationship really affected me negatively at work and my boss pulled me aside and gave me some great advice: to leave the relationship. Hey, when bad outweighs the good, you have to save yourself.
 lisaann61
Joined: 4/30/2011
Msg: 146
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Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 6/11/2011 9:31:27 PM
OMG!!!!!Yes! He had several....It was a very long hard 8mos. I was getting tired of being his pushmepullme........I fell in love with his good side....and thats the memories I will keep....but he killed the good side, and gave in to the bottle......
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