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 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 66
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When is it considered cheating?Page 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
If they did not have the "exclusive" conversation, where they BOTH agree that they are in an exclusive relationship and will not date other people, then it is not cheating.

No ASSUMING based on one person or another's own personal preferences or habits . . . did the "exclusive" conversation take place?

If so, then it's cheating.

If not, then it's not cheating.

If that conversation did not take place, then what you did was very wrong, but also, if your friend subsequently reacted as if the guy had done something wrong, then she isn't really any better.
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 67
When is it considered cheating?
Posted: 5/19/2011 6:52:13 AM
The problem with what you expect and did is this:
In a lot people's "tale of love" you will find that there are moments of indecision.
There are moments where one person gets cold feet and retracts some of themselves to feel balanced, this may come from fear of the unexpected or fear of success or failure.
It is not a commitment until you have discussed terms.
During the coarse of a relationship at some point, the person decides that the object of
their desire is worth the fear of the unknown.
Although he got your # it does not mean he would have called you.
He may have had a moment of cold feet and now you have made that worse.
YOur job as a freind is to support and nourish your freind, not try to dig up dirt on her partner to protect her.
I always say to people if you are looking for something wrong you will find it, no one is perfect .........
In the beginning strong desires can make a person feel out of balance, that does not mean that they don't have feelings.
 DivineBovine
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 70
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When is it considered cheating?
Posted: 5/20/2011 7:30:27 PM

...she would have an obligation to protect her friend.


i don't think so.

we were talking about supposed adults. there is no obligation to protect your friends from making bad decisions in relationships. if they ask for your honest opinion, sure, give away.

but setting traps for the "alleged" boyfriend?

that's not protection...
 valleyguyaz
Joined: 11/13/2008
Msg: 71
When is it considered cheating?
Posted: 5/21/2011 7:03:16 AM
if your eating its cheating

if your meeting its probally cheating

i don't know what is considered cheating or not cheating.
if you feel guity about it then its probally wrong.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 72
When is it considered cheating?
Posted: 5/21/2011 7:28:43 AM

When is it considered cheating?


When ya get caught, or the ref tells you to go to the penalty box.
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 73
When is it considered cheating?
Posted: 5/21/2011 8:10:05 AM

but setting traps for the "alleged" boyfriend?

that's not protection...


.....it's childish behavior.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 76
When is it considered cheating?
Posted: 5/21/2011 8:44:09 PM
unless they're exclusive. They're free to date who ever they want. Sounds like high school all over again.
 wvwaterfall
Joined: 1/17/2007
Msg: 77
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When is it considered cheating?
Posted: 5/23/2011 10:25:01 AM

Not saying she was expecting him to instantly attach himself but what ever happened to giving someone an "Honest Chance"? What's the purpose of online dating if your never going to give any one person an Honest Chance?


I know it's an old thread now and the OP has apparently moved on, but I think many who first try internet dating don't understand the differences in the dynamics compared to 'real life' dating.

I'm sure I'm not the only one here who has had multiple experiences with what seems like great potential in early online messages turning out to be a really lousy fit for one or both of us. And I'm also sure I'm not the only one who has gone weeks or longer without any substantive prospects only to suddenly find themselves engaged in multiple dialogues all at once.

Sure, once I'm involved with someone I have no interest in pursuing other options, but in the early going before committing to each other I agree with others here that there's nothing at all wrong with engaging in dialogue with others. I do my best to be honest, and have even on occasion told one woman I'm conversing with that I don't want to go very far exploring potential with her until I've sorted out what's happening with someone I'm already further along with, but honestly, that hasn't worked out all that well. None of us enjoy feeling like second banana or waiting in line.

Bottom line, as many here agree, is that while it's important to honor commitments made, it's unfair to infer commitment prematurely.

Dave
 OptimumTaurus
Joined: 10/26/2006
Msg: 79
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When is it considered cheating?
Posted: 5/24/2011 8:36:14 PM
I think the best rule to follow is that if you think the other person should be able to do what you are doing without it being called "cheating", it isn't cheating.

HOWEVER, that also suggests that you have some sort of understanding. If you don't, get that first.
 ohwhynot46
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 80
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When is it considered cheating?
Posted: 5/24/2011 8:57:42 PM
Interesting responses here. I know op is gone, but, did I miss the part where she stated that their friend & this man had actually even met?! Not cheating, for sure, but not entrapment, either. The suggestion that her friend acted as if it were "love at first sight" sans the sight might well indicate that she was indeed someone who needed to have a little help opening her eyes and quite likely a rather vulnerable woman who might benefit from having someone clue her in as to the real world. I wouldn't fault either the op or the man in this case. I may be in the minority here, but, unless you are really, really looking hard for a serious relationship, crave one, need one (which I confess I find indicative of a needy personality, often ending up with less than stellar partners) why would you assume that simply because someone speaks to you often, texts you, etc., that you are "exclusive"? I mean, exclusively what?, talking? chatting? texting?
 blueeyyes
Joined: 1/18/2009
Msg: 82
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When is it considered cheating?
Posted: 5/28/2011 7:55:13 PM
No ,if your not exclusive it's not cheating. After you have dated a while and you both decide you don't want to date anyone else but each other and you say that to each other he is not cheating. Sounds like you need to give the relationship time to grow and go out more and then you can tell if you are right for each other, that takes a while.
 JP1111
Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 83
When is it considered cheating?
Posted: 5/29/2011 11:58:06 PM
Why would interacting with others be considered cheating? From what you said, they hit it off but by NO means where they now exclusive.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 84
When is it considered cheating?
Posted: 5/30/2011 2:55:54 AM

I hope we still live in a world where dating one person at a time is the assumption and dating several people at once is the exception that everyone has to agree to up front...not the other way around.

In real life dating that was always a good assumption. If you assume that it works that way online, be prepared for a rude awakening. Get the agreement upfront and put it in your profile if you'd rather only meet like-minded women as potential dating material.
 drumsafrican12
Joined: 6/19/2012
Msg: 86
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When is it considered cheating?
Posted: 6/26/2012 4:24:41 PM
They don't have a real relationship, just sending messages and talking on the phone. If I were you, I wouldn't make any commitment to anyone in a romantic realm, until I knew the person a few months.

Judith
 Michael_Pro
Joined: 3/17/2012
Msg: 87
When is it considered cheating?
Posted: 6/26/2012 5:29:41 PM

So I go and email the guy with neither one of them knowing about it and he "being a guy" responds. Not only does he respond, but he also gets my number and calls me as well. At that point I contacted my friend immediately to let her know what was going on.


Wow OP... Just wow. This is a dating sight for people to see who they are compatible with. He did not cheat on her with you. He answered your email so he could see what his options are. On an online dating sight that might be considered smart since a lot of relationships never go anywhere. I'm talking to a nice young lady right now. I'm not going to change my status to taken though because of it. I have no plans to do any funny business ether. Also whats with the "Being a guy" crap. Are you implying "Well he's a guy so you all know what he's after." I find that ignorant comment both insulting and a sign of your immaturity.

Lets say he's keeping his options open because he's had to many heart breaks on this sight. However he's also hitting it off with your friend and will probably get together with her for keeps. Then you come along and basically tell her he's seeing other women ((which you don't know)) and ruin any chance of them both being happy.

I have to say your attempt at being a 'good friend' ((Playing with peoples relation ships like your own personal toys)) makes me sick and I'm glad I don't know you. I hope any perspective dates you might get see this board. If you ever wonder why guys are not biting. Don't worry it's not them being pigs... It's your personality and the drama you like to cause.


I'm glad that I did so she knows exactly what kind of guy he really is.


Please lets fix that sentence... How about this...


I'm glad that ((YOU)) did so ((WE)) know exactly what kind of ((GIRL)) ((YOU)) really ((ARE)).


Much better... My advice is stay the hell out of your friends business so she might find the happiness you just denied her.
 AprilGem
Joined: 3/27/2007
Msg: 88
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When is it considered cheating?
Posted: 7/24/2012 2:19:18 PM
And you call yourself a friend?? Oh my, glad you are no friend of mine.
 jeep1127girl
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 89
When is it considered cheating?
Posted: 7/24/2012 2:53:01 PM
Hmm..just because she met him doesnt mean she owns him..they werent exclusive,
He is free to meet whoever he wants too, just like she is
Too many women act like a man is off limits because they talked to him first
Personally if I liked someone I wouldnt care if my friend talked to him first.
The only thing that would stop me is if he was married to her.
No its not cheating..she was talking to him...and he was on dating site, clearly says he is available.
No you weren't wrong.
 TRESemme1
Joined: 6/4/2012
Msg: 90
When is it considered cheating?
Posted: 7/24/2012 3:00:54 PM
you are really creepy. you are interfering other people's relationship. good thing she didn't stop talking to you?

if he doesn't like her as much as she do him, so what? it's not your responsibility to interfere. i think you like this guy, too. and you don't want them two together. it's not right what you just did.
 Athletic-Habitus
Joined: 5/6/2012
Msg: 91
When is it considered cheating?
Posted: 7/24/2012 3:31:11 PM
Well...looks like you got your answer OP. If they were not exclusively dating and promised each other, then no it isn't cheating. Actually evolutionary psychologists say that mosy people practice polygamy until they find the right person, settle down and practice monogamy. If they break up, they are back to polygamy activity again until they find someone again and want monogamy. The guy sounds very quite normal and human...not infatuated or obsessive with your friend.
 Serephena
Joined: 4/17/2012
Msg: 92
When is it considered cheating?
Posted: 7/24/2012 6:37:18 PM
I say kuddos to you for showing her what she was in for. Of course if they hadn't had the exclusive talk yet-everything was fair game. But better that she know then have fantasies about where it was going. I would have done the same for my friends. Don't let em beat ya up over it. Who cares what anyone else thinks about you prying.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 93
When is it considered cheating?
Posted: 7/24/2012 7:23:43 PM
The OP said she gave the guy her number and he called her. I wonder what they talked about. Did she tell him the jig was up or did she play along as being an interested single woman? After hearing what a great guy he was according to her friend, maybe she was setting this up for her to be the back-up plan if it doesn't work out between the guy and her friend. If she wasn't interested in the guy, why did she give him her real number and chat with him instead of giving him phoney information?
 Jerilyn
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 94
When is it considered cheating?
Posted: 7/24/2012 8:07:00 PM
Some people think it isn't cheating until two people have talked about being exclusive, but on the other hand, I don't think there should be any assumptions made either way... Some people are old school... in fact, many people still are.... once they begin dating someone they assume it's already exclusive. Not everybody believes in dating several people at once and wouldn't want their new flame doing it, either. So it is something that should be discussed with no assumptions made on either side until it has been. What he's doing may not be wrong in his eyes, but if he hasn't discussed it with your friend then it is wrong for sure.

It's cheating if she feels cheated or if she feels that she's been lied to... in the end it's the way she feels about it that counts.
 mike215215
Joined: 2/15/2011
Msg: 95
When is it considered cheating?
Posted: 7/25/2012 9:43:07 AM
she's a c@ck blocker.... she is the Fugly friend to the Pretty woman....

The pretty woman needs her to go out with, so that the Fugly is not competing with her, and the Fugly is so happy to go out with Pretty, cuz no one else want to go out with her...

hence the reason to c@ck block Pretty.... cuz if Pretty woman, finds a boyfriend... Fugly does not have a friend anymore to go out with, cuz Pretty will spend most of her free time with BF...

Damm Fugly c@ck blocker... you have to go back to the endless evening in front of the tube...until you find another Pretty to go out with.... endless cycle!
 nitemonger
Joined: 4/7/2012
Msg: 96
When is it considered cheating?
Posted: 7/25/2012 5:15:14 PM
um.... i don't think the OP is among us anymore people....
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 97
When is it considered cheating?
Posted: 7/25/2012 5:29:58 PM
look, i am not going to get into the rightness or wrongness of what you did, but look at the result instead. what you exposed for your friend was the truth. what she thought was true love was obviously nothing more than a lie. what this man did was lead her to believe that he was crazy about her. he exaggerated his feelings for her to great effect. he escalated the relationship, so she thought it was safe for her to nurture the feelings she had for him. if he hadn't escalated the relationship, she might have held back a lot more. he led her to believe that he actually wanted a relationship with her, when it was really nothing more then a passing fancy for him. he is still keeping his options open, and he is most likely telling other women the same things he told her. because, let's be honest, if this man was really as crazy about her as he led her to believe, then he wouldn't be keeping his options open. if a man is in love with a woman, other women don't exist for him - especially in the beginning. he would also be fearful about screwing it up. so, yeah, this guy has been less then forthright about his true intentions and feelings towards her. i call it high warmth, low intention. did they have a commitment? were they exclusive? i dont know, you left that part out, but the fact of the matter is that there is a marked discrepancy between what he is telling her and how he truly feels. his actions illustrate this perfectly. a man that is really in love doesn't act this way.

honestly, i do not know why men do this! i've had this done to me, and it just pissed me off to no end. i mean, why string someone along and lie to them about being in love or actually wanting to be with them when ya don't? why? why hurt someone in this way? why do men DO this? (for the stupid people that need a qualification, no i am not saying that ALL men do this, but i am saying that some men do - and enough of them do so that it causes a lot of pain, hurt, and anger in many of us women and makes us suspicious of men and the things that they say- end of qualification for the stupid people that think everything is a flippen generalization and are too dumb to discuss things in the abstratct).

while we can argue ad infinitum about the rightness or wrongness of what you did, in the end you exposed the lie and the liar. your friend has been and is being played by a man that sees her as nothing more then a fluffer on his way to meeting a woman that he reallyyyyyyy wants to be with. i don't know about your friend, but i would thank you, gather what little i had left of my dignity, and simply make an exit. if your friend has a brain she will realize that this man is a) dishonest about his true feelings, b) sees her as a bookmark, a space filler, a fluffer, c) and she will top wasting her time.
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