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 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 16
His wifePage 2 of 2    (1, 2)
I think if it just slips once in awhile it doent mean anything sinister, but if he always refers to the ex wife as 'wife' it is a huge red flag. Part of healing is accepting the new position the ex really plays in your life and if you cannot use the word ex at all when discussing them, you likely havent accepted that they really are an ex.

Ive slipped once in awhile as well when story telling, but it is far and few between. I dont regularly refer to my ex husband as my husband....cause I dont have a husband and have not since 1998. Even when talking about an old shared experience, I say 'I remember when me and my ex husband did..."
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 17
His wife
Posted: 4/20/2011 4:57:40 AM
I'm a simple man, and because of that, my life must be made a lot simplier so that I don't make such drastic bad life choices of which the OP speaks.

Soooooooooo, at the time, I decided I better not marry the mother of my child so I wouldn't have to face such a mindblowing choice of calling her my ex or my wife, or even my ex-wife. In fact my choice was so good I don't call her anything at all today,which seems to be very important.
 Island home
Joined: 7/5/2009
Msg: 19
His wife
Posted: 4/20/2011 6:52:06 AM
After 10 years I often refer to my ex as my wife simply because ex sounds harsh and implies bitterness.
My thinking is I had one wife ,
don't want another one,
any future relationship will be negotiated not rubber stamped
In other words, we will both know what we are in it for
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 20
view profile
History
His wife
Posted: 4/20/2011 7:03:53 AM
I think what you are dealing with, is something to do with the nature of how human minds operate, and not with any particular person's "hidden agendas." I would recommend you find your BEST answer, by reading up on psychology studies of how people reference things from their past. It's a fascinating subject area, and could help you to get along better with yourself, as well as others.
And the short answer is NO, it does NOT mean the person is still "emotionally married," it usually means simply that when they open the little drawer in their memory banks marked "refer to this/that one-time spouse," the first word listed there for the mouth to utter is WIFE.
It can require a bunch of conscious work for a person to rewrite all of their internal memories and speech patterns, about any subject area. It should be no surprise that most of us only put in that much work, when it's absolutely necessary.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 21
view profile
History
His wife
Posted: 4/20/2011 7:09:58 AM
Personally I don't ever want to hear about their Ex wives or GFs unless they are directly involved in the topic at hand. For example: "My Ex Wife is picking my son up after the baseball game" Period.
Lot's of newly divorced people think their rotten Ex is a viable social topic. It's not.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 22
view profile
History
His wife
Posted: 4/20/2011 7:29:30 AM
Question

If someone asks me if I have ever been up in the St Louis Arch.....would you expect me to just give a simple "Yes" as the answer - just because my ex was there too?
Or would it bother you if I said......"OMG Yes, we were in St Louis on a business trip and I was scared to death to go in that little elevator car to the top. My husband finally convinced me to get in.....and then he was the one that threw up all over the place!"
He was my husband at the time.......and he was there and it's damn funny!
If you are on a date with me.....you already know I've been divorced for 15 years. Would you really think I'm harboring lingering emotions for this man just because I said "husband" in my story?
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 25
His ex-wife
Posted: 4/20/2011 5:26:03 PM
Nope, she' s and Ex, and eventually will become a WHY

the real question is why he even talks about her at all ?
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 26
view profile
History
His wife
Posted: 4/20/2011 7:46:04 PM
My feeling is that if a guy is referring to his ex-wife as his wife, then he isn't over her. He's probably available for sex but not a lasting relationship. It would be a big red flag to me.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 27
His wife
Posted: 4/20/2011 7:56:17 PM
^^^^^Wow! That's a messed up assumption.....
 AintNoDeal
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 28
His wife
Posted: 4/20/2011 11:37:40 PM
WOW -- I guess I learned a thing or two from this thread. I'll have to watch how I talk about anything in the past I'm not connected to RIGHT NOW.

When I was in college, I made a spring-break trip to LA with my ex-friends, using my ex-car, and wearing my ex-light jacket with the ex-favorite team logo on it. I had ex-$100 in my ex-pockets, and my ex-shoes were worn thin enough to feel the gravel on the state ex-highway (destroyed 10 years back). I drank 20 ex-sodas on that trip, took a lot of pics (still have those) with my ex-camera. Good think I had an ex-map, or I would probably be ex-tinguished from life altogether.

Can I ex-hale now?
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 29
His wife
Posted: 4/21/2011 12:29:59 AM
^^^^^ No.... you talk about your EX's too much...you must still be hanging on!
Just let go man...just let go!
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 30
view profile
History
His wife
Posted: 4/21/2011 10:30:06 AM
Wow...just wow...

I think people have way too much time on their hands, and worry about stupid little things way too much. Over analyze much?

If she's the only topic of conversation - then I'd wonder.
 northwoods57
Joined: 7/17/2007
Msg: 31
His wife
Posted: 4/28/2011 5:22:47 PM
he has not let go yet, and he is still interested in her.
its baggage you dont need.
get on with your life.
 ItsJustCorey
Joined: 4/15/2011
Msg: 33
His wife
Posted: 5/2/2011 3:25:40 PM
Honestly, if you love him then show him that. Expressing your anger over something that has been burnt into his vocabulary is something you/a person can't change.

Think of when you hear a person cursing up a storm, now think; Can I get that person to stop cursing after he/she has been doing this for over 5, 10, 15 years? The answer is NO, absolutely not. Love is unconditional and in order for him to get over it you will have to be there for him, remind him (indirectly) who loves him and is there for him. Only time will stop him from blurting silly things out that have no real meaning.

Prime example:

Yo sup nigga!? (Im white but I have no racial meaning in that question.)
Does this mean every time a caucasion person is saying that it's a manifest of internal rage or anger over their personal feeling towards different ethnics groups?

What's up dog?(Silly but some people use this vocabulary)
Am I saying your my little puppy I raised for 10 years? No.

You feel me? (Another good example)
Do I want you to feel me, literally? No. It means do you understand.

I love you! (uh oh yup I went there)
After being with someone for several years you tend to say I love you more often than not; Before hanging up the phone, before bed, before heading out to work, whatever the case may be we have said it before and in an excessive amount.
Now let me ask you.. Do you say I love you and feel this feeling of " Oh my god he/she is the greatest thing that happened to my life since BLAH BLAH BLAH"? No. It means it's an almost instinctive nature to say "I love you" even though the feeling of butterflies aren't there every time you say it.

It was a big moment in his life and it may be he is still indirectly saying "wife instead of "ex-wife" but who is he with, who does he spend time with, who does he call, who does he say he loves; These are the question I feel you should be asking yourself.

Words are words, don't over analyze them and just give it time. Time and patience is an Arete(Virtue).
 DoubleParked
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 34
His wife
Posted: 5/2/2011 3:53:16 PM
A different slant...A 'friend of mine' who lost her husband to death, after it was not such a fresh wound, was talking to a colleague and referred to her late husband as 'my first husband'. This actually FREED her to contemplate the idea of a new love.

Sort of like the players who state, 'there goes my next ex-wife'? LOL
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 36
His wife
Posted: 5/9/2011 5:33:55 AM
I still refer to my ex stepdaughter as my stepdaughter..Hmmm

My dead mother as my mother .Not dead mother.

A dog I had at 10 years of age as my dog when relating a story.

I would think CONTEXT of how the ex is called the wife.

Is he relating a story or is he saying "I need to call my wife about blah blah"?

How often is he discussing his past life would be more of a flag..Those that lived their glory days and feel there are no glory days now or in the future.

Agree..WHY is she a topic of conversation if you are now his supposed interest?

I can't read his mind..I just know if it makes me feel there is something not RIGHT with the picture..I usually ask if I care enough to.
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 37
view profile
History
His wife
Posted: 5/10/2011 5:35:12 PM
MsMicki
If I'm talking about something that my ex and I did together.....I might very well say "My husband" did this or that. Because at the time it happened, he was my husband.
And I'm about as far from "emotionally married" to that man as one can be!!



When I met my boyfriend he was still going through his divorce. Yea, he was separated but his wife was already engaged. He was not still emotionally attached to his wife at all. It was a few dates before I knew her name. He referred to her as his EX or sometimes in emails, STBX. I always refer to my ex husband as The Ex unless I'm talking about something that happened while we were married. One time my older son was reading over my shoulder while I was writing to my boyfriend. He said it is less letters to type his name than The Ex.


I also had dated another man who was separated from his wife and the divorce became final while I was seeing him. He broke up with me within 2 months claiming to still have deep feeling for her even though she had a boyfriend and had moved on. He never that I recall referred to her as his wife. It was always his EX.
 Janet_Always
Joined: 12/7/2010
Msg: 38
His wife
Posted: 5/12/2011 8:06:28 AM
I don't think it matters at all if he still calls his ex his wife. What really matters (and what you should be concerned with) is how well you two get along in your relationship together NOW.

Don't be jealous of his past. If you want him to forget it, you should do the same.
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 39
view profile
History
His wife
Posted: 5/12/2011 4:28:53 PM
Maybe the OP realized how silly her post was, since she's left the building.
 CaptivateMyMind
Joined: 4/2/2011
Msg: 40
His wife
Posted: 5/12/2011 6:44:20 PM

When I was in college, I made a spring-break trip to LA with my ex-friends, using my ex-car, and wearing my ex-light jacket with the ex-favorite team logo on it. I had ex-$100 in my ex-pockets, and my ex-shoes were worn thin enough to feel the gravel on the state ex-highway (destroyed 10 years back). I drank 20 ex-sodas on that trip, took a lot of pics (still have those) with my ex-camera. Good think I had an ex-map, or I would probably be ex-tinguished from life altogether.
Can I ex-hale now?




I love it!!! Thanks for the laugh...and I totally agree with your train of thought! My God people! Get over yourselves! I don't know about you, but I'm not perfect, and there are times when I am guilty of saying "my husband" when I refer to my ex, and it's no big deal for crying out loud. I called him "husband" for years, and I usually say my "ex" or "ex-husband," but there are times I just say "husband," and believe me, I have absolutely NO emotional, mental, or any other sort of connection and/or feelings for him. I have more feelings for a rock.

And for those who may be wondering...no, it doesn't bother me in the least when a guy says "my wife." I don't analyze every breath and word that comes out of a person's mouth. I am very secure and comfortable in my own skin, so if someone says "my wife," I don't gasp, panic, and run for the hills because "he's still emotionally attached." Ugh. I just don't get that way of thinking. Everyone has a past, and I, for one, am not threatened by peoples' pasts. Here's an idea: If it bothers you when your date/friend/whatever calls his ex-wife "my wife," ask him her name and tell him to use that. Problem solved.
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 41
view profile
History
His wife
Posted: 5/12/2011 8:00:52 PM
RSS wrote:


I just discovered the guy who kept refering to his ex as his wife has only been divorced for 4, count them, four months.


So? How long was he separated? How long was the relationship over?

The finishing of the legal procedures and signing of the legal paperwork has close to ZERO correlation with the end of the relationship.

If you're not married, it's over when you break up.

If you're married, it is NOT over when you break up because the state has something to say on the matter.

RSS wrote:


... and yes, he's still in love with her.


Did he TELL you this? If so, then fine. He needs to think about things before he starts dating.

If not, then how did you come to this conclusion?
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 42
His wife
Posted: 5/14/2011 6:58:15 AM

Ex sounds funny to me sort of like excessive I guess.


This is a good point.

I dont use the word ex myself now that I think about it, unless Im speaking to someone that I know has no clue that I was ever married before.

I say my ex husbands name when story telling about those years. People who know me know he is my ex husband so I dont feel the need to reiterate that.

If someone slipped and referred to thier former as 'wife' only a few times I wouldnt even notice. But when they always refer to thier former wife as wife, it is noticable and it is weird to me. Everyone has thier own opinions and it boils down to what we are comfortable with in the early stages of getting to know someone. My experience has been that the men who refer to thier ex wife too often, or as 'wife' turned out to have real issues surrounding thie dissolution of the marriage, so I stear clear. We can only go on our own experiences with things and mine with men who still say 'wife' regulalrly have not been good, and I'll stick to this method of mine for weeding out going forward. Every time I have let it pass because I told myself I was being too judgmental it was a mistake. If it makes your gut react negatively, then listen to it is my motto.
 Bx2Mia
Joined: 2/7/2009
Msg: 43
view profile
History
His wife
Posted: 5/3/2012 1:53:46 PM
i agree.......
 starofgaia
Joined: 4/11/2012
Msg: 44
His wife
Posted: 5/3/2012 6:24:08 PM
Why is He talking about her, any way?
 Sabetha
Joined: 2/28/2012
Msg: 45
His wife
Posted: 5/3/2012 9:01:35 PM
i only got married once
I've had a few exes
if I say my husband
you know which one I'm talking about/approx time frame

it's just habit
we aren't together or married...
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