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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 bobdoor
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 18
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?Page 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Sorry, I shouldn't have lashed out at the people who insulted me. I wasn't trying to start a guessing game, I just didn't think that I had to spell it out for this discussion.

I don't want to put anything about sex in my profile, because I don't want to send the wrong message. Sex isn't the most important thing I'm after, but my situation does offer the only dealbreaker that isn't obvious.

Of course I have more important dealbreakers. I don't date women who do hard illegal drugs. I don't date women who have poor hygeine(yes this has come up, but not on this site, thankfully.) I like to be physically attracted to a woman, but that's pretty flexible, and my tastes are quite eclectic, so its never been an issue.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 19
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/29/2011 2:38:10 PM
OPie, I'm not going to even try to guess. Except to assume that it is something *about* you that you think/believe/know will cause some women to run, and not something about them, and what you want from them, that would cause the same.

Another place I forumize, there was a guy who had prostate cancer, surgery, radiation, and in exchange for his life is now (in his words) "impotent" ~~ my advice there was on the order of: Don't use *that* word -- it's not science, and is loaded. Has yet to be determined if he simply has ED with a functioning libido, or whether he's simply not interested. He also wanted to know *when* to talk about it.

The answer is always: SOON. As you seem to know. But the distance between a first contact and a first "date" is as long as YOU wish it to be. Those with a hurry up we gotta meet agenda/attitude, are likely not those who should be on your radar. Clearly, this is an issue where they need to be informed, and then have time to think it through. The "rush to face to face" types are in the mode to dismiss as as fast as possible. That *isn't* a mode YOU need to be in. Take it at YOUR pace. If someone else is pushing you, you are allowed to assume that they don't care enough about your needs. . . . Let 'em go. No matter how good they look/seem, they aren't going to be a match. And this is about finding that elusive match, eh? You are allowed (invited, encouraged) to take a bit of time to get to know someone well enough so that spilling your guts is as easy as it CAN be. Take the time -- the end product's likely to be better. . . .

 bobdoor
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 20
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/29/2011 2:54:37 PM
You are right of course, woobytoodsday. My disappointment stems from having found a fair number of women who are very desireable, friendly, and otherwise great, but who turn out to cross my "dealbreaker" line. They either have to admit they aren't right for me, or they stop responding, or even worse, they try to be what I need and end up disappointing us both.

I know there are women out there who I can be good together with, but I don't want to scare any of them away by making it seem that this dealbreaker is all I care about when it is not.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 21
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/29/2011 6:27:54 PM
I know.....I know...I know....Mr. Kar Tar...said like Arnold Horshack...

OP has alzheimers and cannot remember what the dealbreaker is...
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 22
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/29/2011 8:34:53 PM

I think he's looking for a virgin in his age range. That's just scary......


Not so scary if HE is also.. Starting to get that impression..

If he's trolling he is learning the ropes.. Got one of our sweetest-seeming ladies to go overboard on her speculations..
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 23
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/29/2011 9:15:59 PM
Not so scary if HE is also.. Starting to get that impression..


I'm starting to get that same impression---especially since the OP refuted my other theory and mentioned that he didn't want to bring up sexual matters in his profile. Moreover, I can't think of too many other biological facts that women might find to be either exciting or a dealbreaker that aren't visible.

If we're correct in our speculations, I can certainly understand why he wouldn't want to include that tidbit in his profile.
 I-am-Rei
Joined: 9/11/2009
Msg: 24
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 4/30/2011 10:08:33 AM

Don't tell.. I guessed it. You have a 12"penis. It is no longer a penis, it is now a foot.

Lol, this was also my first guess...but this

This isn't about penis size or anything visible.
and this

I don't want to put anything about sex in my profile, because I don't want to send the wrong message.

So I'll join the guessing bandwagon:
- Are you into BDSM?
- threesomes/foursomes?
- loves oral but no penetration?
- You have it in your genes to procreate triplets, quadruplets, quintuplets?
 L_LuuLuu
Joined: 8/2/2009
Msg: 25
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History
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 5/1/2011 4:15:34 PM
My guess is that the OP is trying to tell us that he is "long lasting" or a "repeater".

Is that the case OP?

Into "tantric sex"?
 Dare to
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 26
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 5/2/2011 5:54:08 PM

My disappointment stems from having found a fair number of women who are very desireable, friendly, and otherwise great, but who turn out to cross my "dealbreaker" line.

I know there are women out there who I can be good together with, but I don't want to scare any of them away by making it seem that this dealbreaker is all I care about when it is not.

If you have met a "fair number" of women who you find desirable etc but they all cross your dealbreaker line, then i think you'll have to concede that your dealbreaker IS all you care about..... If they can be the most fabulous woman in the world but have the thing you see as your dealbreaker then it IS the most important thing to you and you should have it in your profile.

If it is going to scare them off if you have it in your profile then there's a good chance it will scare them off in real life too....
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 27
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 5/2/2011 6:23:36 PM
OK here's my opinion on "potential" dealbreakers:

If it is something you can't deny on sight...on a first date....
like you're really 4 feet tall or something like that...then put it in your profile.
You'll get less responses but the ones you get will at least be interested.

If it is something that doesn't affect your appearance...
like a medical condition.....then you can mention it in email...or over the phone.
Generally 3rd or 4th email or 2nd or 3rd phone chat. Whenever you feel comfortable doing so.

The reason I say that is often folks will overlook stuff if
they have an initial good first impression of you.

And as the first few emails or phone talks are more about flirting and feeling each other out, I think it is premature to put out personal problems(issues) to someone unless they seem genuinely interested.
It is not being deceptive.
Just you are not obligated to blurt out whatever to complete strangers unless there is a potential to meet. If there is.... best lay out whatever could be an issue.


If it is a kink or fetish.....best surf sites specific to what you like.
You would have better luck than here.

Hope this helps.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 28
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 5/3/2011 11:04:51 AM
My thinking is that if it's such a big deal dealbreaker, then perhaps online dating is NOT for you, OP. People who use online dating sites tend to screen stringently,and finding out about some important issue, regardless of WHEN you reveal it, makes people start expecting the other shoe to drop/wonder whether your dealbreaker is just "the tip of the iceberg" in a cascade of problems, issues, difficulties,sensitive matters,caveats, flags of many colors(mostly yellow, red and black)-
If you do continue to use online dating, rather than focusing more effort towards meeting women in real life venues, I would suggest that you build some rapport via email and phone, before you reveal it. Do not drag this out forever...
Anyway we know one thing nobody has to worry about anymore...you aren't Osama Bin Laden.
Go Navy SEALS!
Cindy O
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 29
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 6/12/2011 4:45:02 PM
My god we have not killed this thread. This is the most amount of drama and mystery about something that nobody knows yet. Perhaps the OP should try to get a job as TV Producer and write some show about the deal breaker that we will never knew what it really was. This intensity, this amount of melodrama, for me would be the deal breaker and be done with.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 30
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 6/14/2011 6:25:01 AM

Bobdoor has a tail. It's quite obvious by now.


and horns
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 31
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 1/26/2017 10:22:45 AM
So what is it.......... does he have a tail?!
 browneyesboo
Joined: 7/1/2016
Msg: 32
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 1/26/2017 10:59:06 AM
I'm going to assume the guy was monstrously over endowed.
And not with brains.
 Nestaron
Joined: 3/22/2016
Msg: 33
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 1/26/2017 11:21:15 AM
You worry about feelings seriously I stood right in front of a fast food restaurant in middle of bar closing rush, and told a woman I would never love her... She lied so I felt it was appropriate and you worry about something like a piece of biological issue might offend someone. You know I heard girls and ladies talking about their men's equipment and the guys were like so what I dont care if she said it to my face I would just say hey if your going to complain I can take it elsewhere. You dont hurt a guys feelings by saying something about his junk most men really dont care. If I guy had it and you wanted a woman well than I could understand that I mean seriously why did the guy pretend to be a woman to begin with.

My deal breakers I am blunt if they cant handle here's a tissue there is the door.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 7/1/2016
Msg: 34
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 1/26/2017 11:55:48 AM
^^^^^What the heck are you babbling about?
Calm down.
Geez.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 35
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 1/26/2017 12:56:58 PM
I don't get the question. If something is a deal breaker, then it should be the end of any further contact-no matter how sensitive or not sensitive it is. Isn't that what a deal breaker is?
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 36
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 1/26/2017 2:11:45 PM

If something is a deal breaker, then it should be the end of any further contact-no matter how sensitive or not sensitive it is. Isn't that what a deal breaker is?


Those are real dealbreakers.

There are also "alternate" dealbreakers- dealbreakers which would cause one to simply walk away in normal circumstances, but in certain instances, the other person is just so hot that the aggrieved party puts up with the dealbreaker if it's unchangeable, or until they can get the other person to change it somehow if it is changeable.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 37
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Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 1/26/2017 3:34:00 PM
nestaron

I dont agree that men dont care about comments on size of equipment etc. It can be a real issue when a man is less than impressive, I can tell you. Some dont like it when you even infer they are overweight despite looking 12 months pregnant with twins. Mens' egos are very frail in the main. You can be honest but there is a line between that and rudeness.
 sun___flower
Joined: 5/8/2015
Msg: 38
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History
But was it a grow-er or a show-er?
Posted: 1/26/2017 7:23:56 PM
BrownEyesBoo
I'm going to assume the guy was monstrously over endowed.
And not with brains.

 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 39
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 1/27/2017 8:16:50 AM

I'm going to assume the guy was monstrously over endowed.
And not with brains.


- Well, that's not a big problem!
 aintnodeal
Joined: 4/10/2016
Msg: 40
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Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 1/27/2017 12:02:54 PM
You will never see the person at all, or never see them again, so the timing doesn't matter. It's a deal-breaker. All contact will be over.
Spit it out and let people get on with their lives. Witholding a deal-breaker item only makes you a drama queen.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 41
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Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 1/30/2017 9:20:26 PM

I've already found out that for me the first email is too early, and the first date is too late.

Yes, I know OP's gone, but I'll respond anyway: OBVIOUSLY in-between. Due to you saying it's not penis but the Part is sexual, not visible, well accepted or event Exciting to Most women, I was guessing Testicles (too big, too small, dysfunctional, fake). BUT OP, you finally did admit what it was in response to this post:

there was a guy who had prostate cancer, surgery, radiation, and in exchange for his life is now (in his words) "impotent" ~~ my advice there was on the order of: Don't use *that* word -- it's not science, and is loaded. Has yet to be determined if he simply has ED with a functioning libido, or whether he's simply not interested.

... where you immediately called it the right answer, where she didn't officially guess (but seemingly knowing it was at least in range of his concern):

You are right of course, woobytoodsday. ..... They either have to admit they aren't right for me, or they stop responding, or even worse, they try to be what I need and end up disappointing us both.

Yeah, basically Bob had prostate issues -- and it does match his posts and denial of the penial. He didn't need to make it a gameshow guessing game. :) Kind of shot himself in the foot.

I would say that 1st date isn't too late. But of course putting "Other Relationship" as others pointed out in OP's profile does seem to indicate that OP was looking to c0ck back and "fire" Early. But, maybe not -- maybe just casual for a while until taking off some clothes.

My advice would be: 1st date isn't too late. Get some cheap off-brand Cialis or Viagra overseas or something -- or even first experiment with homemade conC0cktions to see how that works with self-help time. I understand it'd be a bummber to run into (another) gal who's disappointed as you pointed out... but if you're having sexual relations on some level Early, I'd just say when she's reaching for Mr Wiggles, you just smile and warn her that he is shy. But I would first build up your confidence (mental affects it) + at least natural preparation to have yourself at least near an A-game.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 42
Best ways to bring up sensitive dealbreakers?
Posted: 2/2/2017 9:20:11 AM
I do what women do.

I inquire about finances asap.

I tell them that I own a home, live alone and have employer provided health insurance.

I expect the same.

I bring a Louisville Slugger to the game but I don't expect that from her...
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