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 kayla1963
Joined: 4/1/2011
Msg: 26
The Ex ... Pays for sex since it is more dignified than having your former wife nose aroundPage 2 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
Holy Krap, OP ...



Just wondering if I should ignore things or try and help him along in his relationship/s ?


Do you even GET how pompous you sound?


Most of your posts state "I want ... Blah blah." Umm ... Is that YOUR idea of being a friend and "being respectful?"
Do you plan to club him over the head with "being respectful" (since that is what you claim it's all about)?

Jayzus!!! He would have been better off hiring a hooker to nurse him. At least it would have been based on what HE wants.

B U T T O U T !!!!!

EDIT: I realize you have a very bent outlook on life, based on your previous posts, to think you are doing this guy a favor when you are reading sh1t into something to make you feel "relieved." Go back and read your posts. It isn't about your ex, it is about you wanting to know something that makes YOU feel better.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 27
The Ex ... Pays for sex since it is more dignified than having your former wife nose around
Posted: 5/10/2011 8:22:34 PM
Kayla...
Are you for real?

I hope she is. It's nice to know there are other sane people in the world.

Seriously.. the why and where of the question is.. do I ignore his obvious relationship with one or more or ignore it which he seems fine to let me do..

No, that isn't really the question. The real question is why the hell are you creating the drama that led to you even being able to pose that question. I feel like I'm reading the script for a Twighlight Zone version of Dallas.

Yes my fiance knows why I am here helping my ex.. it is because I do care about those I love and have loved in the past.

Does the back of his shirt say, ``Welcome?''

If he is dating someone they would surely want to know and that is my way of thinking and feeling.

They might want to know, but I seriously doubt they would want to find that out through you. If I was dating someone and the news came by way of one of her exes, my first thought would be, ``This is way too weird for me. Beam me up, Scotty.''
 sukkatash
Joined: 3/27/2011
Msg: 28
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/10/2011 8:32:01 PM

So.. any suggestions?

If he is having such problems that he needed to call you to help him out, maybe wait until at least the surgery and recuperation and any physical therapy is over and done with before working on the relationship between him, you, and whomever else he is seeing?

Broken collar bones are generally really really painful. Why add stress to his life.

He called you to help him, not them. Obviously whomever they are, they aren't that special and that relationship can wait.


do I pretend he is not seeing someone / some people or pretend he is celibate?

Treat it like you would his bowel movements? Realize he has them, they don't affect you, and they aren't really important or relevant unless he comes to you about a problem with them?
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 29
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The Ex ... Pays for sex since it is more dignified than having your former wife nose around
Posted: 5/10/2011 8:40:19 PM

Do you even GET how pompous you sound?



Pompous, a word that describes my ex perfectly. My ex just couldn't get it in his head I had found some one new. After all, no man would be nicer to me than him and they would only want sex and dump me. He told me this.



Does OP not believe she can be replaced either? Relieved her ex is no longer pining for her and moved on. OP, Do you really think your ex needs your help in HIS relationships?
 kayla1963
Joined: 4/1/2011
Msg: 30
The Ex ... Pays for sex since it is more dignified than having your former wife nose around
Posted: 5/10/2011 8:42:42 PM

I assured him that I understood he was dating and he denied it... So my question is ... do I pretend he is not seeing someone / some people or pretend he is celibate?


Why don't YOU try to pretend that YOU believe him?

I guess you are still married to a fawkin' liar if you can't be respectful enough to take him at his word and quit worrying about "helping" his weenie feel like you really care about its status.

Once you have warmed up your "pretending skills," perhaps you can pretend you are behaving normally.

P.S. Your name should be Florence Frightengale!
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 31
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/10/2011 8:48:35 PM
Why do you care? What business is it of yours?
Either help him or not...but you have no right to know his business.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 32
The Ex ... Pays for sex since it is more dignified than having your former wife nose around
Posted: 5/10/2011 8:57:53 PM

Seriously.. the why and where of the question is.. do I ignore his obvious relationship with one or more or ignore it which he seems fine to let me do.. Somehow.. that seems so wrong to me.. If he is dating someone they would surely want to know and that is my way of thinking and feeling.


Holy shit, OP... you could be my ex.

I made it clear years ago that I have zero interest in her personal life and I want to keep my personal life to myself, yet if I leave any evidence around my place that may even remotely be evidence of a woman being around, my ex wants to make conversation about it....

... fvcking bugs the hell out of me.

I fvcking hate it when she makes a point of telling me which woman she knows is single now or wants to know why I did something different around the house or bought a new pair of pants.

It also bugs the fvck out of me that she always wants to make sure I meet her latest guy or knows that she's seeing someone.

Her personal life and mine are completely separate. I don't want to know anything about hers and I don't want to share mine with her. We share kids. That's the only thing we share, but she doesn't get that.

Sounds like you don't get what your ex wants either.

Leave your ex alone. He doesn't want you in his personal space.

Sheesh.

 Pinky189
Joined: 6/23/2010
Msg: 33
The Ex ... Pays for sex since it is more dignified than having your former wife nose around
Posted: 5/10/2011 9:03:11 PM
Op,its commendable that you want to help your ex but that doesnt give you the green light to pry into his private life.

If he is seeing someone,so what?
If he wanted to tell you,he would.

Just do your nursing and go home.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 34
The Ex.... Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/10/2011 9:19:46 PM
do I ignore his obvious relationship with one or more or ignore it which he seems fine to let me do.. Somehow.. that seems so wrong to me..


You are obviously a caretaker "Need to be Needed Personality".. When some of your clients pay you for your listening and interpreting skills, you may stay within professional boundaries as expected..

But apparently NOT when it is someone you have had a relationship with that you say has asked for your "help"..
Understand that until he is declared incompetent or 5150, and even if you are still on his living will or named executor in his estate, you have NO business interfering or even KNOWing about his current love life or lack thereof..
If you are investigating for your own legal interests, please don't call it HELPing him..
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 35
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/10/2011 9:26:52 PM
Perhaps.........

He had a one night (or few nights) stand
He has a FWB
He is seeing someone but doesnt want to discuss his romantic life with his ex-wife
Or, he was seeing someone, it didnt work out, and he doesnt care to speak about it.

Whatever the case may be, it is his business.

In my opinion, you should focus on your new husband-to-be.
If you are all wrapped up in caretaking your ex and worrying about his personal life, where is your NEW man going to fit into your life?
I realise you are trying to do a good deed, but dont risk your own relationship and your own chance of happiness with a new man for people from your past.
I would just hire a caretaker, pitch in some of the cost if he is tight on money, and go about your own life.
 lilcontrary
Joined: 3/16/2010
Msg: 36
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/10/2011 10:16:56 PM
JCO.. despite what others have read into it.. what I feel and want is for him to be happy and to be happy with whomever he is with. It does not matter to me who he is with or not.. I just find it odd that he is in denial about his dating world.. Sorry to most of the posters here but I dont care if he is dating someon or many others and yes I know he is here on pof too... No he does not know I know... anyways.. I want him to be happy. I am good and happy in my life but Ido not need someone to help me if I am hurt or ill.. Because of his family make up there are a number of ill people in his life who care and I do love them and keep in contact with if needed. I consider any one he is dating, seeing, fawking to be the same ones who care so maybe my job as a care giver is to give care? Novel idea eh? lol

To those who are crasz and crude... it was a question of weather I acknowledge the obvious or the absurd denial.. If he is dates.. that is fine and I am happy for that..

My question was simply do I acknoledge or deny certain things, or do I make a point which may have merit in the mdorn day world of now?
 forumfishie
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 37
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/10/2011 10:20:38 PM
"Do you really think it is over thinking and not trying to be considerate?"
Me thinks you just want info and to take a gander at the new squeeze

Nothing wrong with that, it's normal to be curious
You know you weren't going to stop at a simple "yes, I am seeing someone" from him.

Maybe he knows that?
The poor guy is in pain and has nobody else to take care of him.
He is not about to antagonize the cook who is going to grill him the only burger he can eat. he doesn't want any buggers on the bun. Smart man.

Where you went wrong
is trying to pretend you were asking about her for his own good and wellness

Almost nobody here believed you
and we don't even know you
Your ex Knows you and
Obviously he decided NOT to let you in it
Just wait until the collar bone heals for you to start drilling him about her

"My question was simply do I acknoledge or deny certain things"

You already asked him
You got your answer
He does NOT want to talk about it

"and yes I know he is here on pof too... No he does not know I know"

Could we change the name of this thread
to
The Ex...............Obviously has a ..............stalker?



 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 38
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The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/10/2011 10:24:37 PM

It does not matter to me who he is with or not.. I just find it odd that he is in denial about his dating world..



Speaking for the majority posting here, we find it odd you think it is your business to know if your ex is dating anyone. He may of told you NO so you wouldn't ask anymore NOYB questions. When I did that my ex would assume I was lying just like you are. Maybe he is dating, maybe not. If it doesn't matter to you then don't ask.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 39
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The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/10/2011 10:47:35 PM
I didn't read most of this, I'm just going with my first thoughts.

My first thought was that you would like to know if he is seeing someone so they could come over and take care of him because really I can't imagine you want to do this if you don't have to.

My second thought is that he's a cross dresser or likes to wear women's underwear, some such thing like that and wishes you would stop asking him about the items.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 40
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/10/2011 11:15:03 PM
~OP~ Like daynadaze above me here, I didn't read the majority. I KNOW what most of the posts say simply to noting who posted. I think it's nice you are helping, I think it's great your new love likes your ex. I don't think it matters at all who your ex is or is not involved with in any capacity. I doubt you really care, either, since it's fairly obvious that you have long since moved on. Why would one deny a personal life? I dunno, people deny stuff all the time for their own reasons. I think you should just shelf this topic. JMO
 Island home
Joined: 7/5/2009
Msg: 41
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/10/2011 11:22:27 PM
>/b>^^^ Seems alternatives to what the OP believes are not possible to the OP
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 42
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/10/2011 11:25:22 PM
OP, please dont taske this as an insult or personal attack, i am just trying to give you my perspective........

I HATE people who interrogate me about stuff, even if it innocous stuff. I absolutely loathe it. People who act like it is their business to know my business get dropped from my life so fast their head spins. Once i tell someone to mind their own business, or i give them an answer that clearly says "drop it", i expect them to do so.
Even as a young child i hated it, as far back as i can remember, which is why i highly value my independance and having my own home and being the alpha-female of my household; i dont like people up my rear.
The day I moved out of my parents home was the day i stopped answering to anybody.

To me, it crosses the boundary of being caring and concerned. I find it nosy, insulting, repulsive, and condescening for anyone to know they have a God given right to know my personal matters.Your ex husband isnt a child or wayward teensger. LET HIM BE.

If i open up on my own accord, thats one thing. Being pushed is another.

I like to be helpful to other people. I like my family and friends to be able to count on me as a shoulder to lean on if they need one. But i too will show respect for someone if i ask something and they dont care to discuss it.
 Dare to
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 43
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/10/2011 11:41:35 PM

If he is dating someone they would surely want to know
OP this is this bit i don't get. He has a broken collar bone does he not? He's not totally incapacitated? If that is the case i am sure he is more than capable of making his own phone calls ...
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 44
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 12:30:46 AM

it was a question of weather I acknowledge the obvious or the absurd denial.. If he is dates.. that is fine and I am happy for that..


The denial isn't the absurd.....your insistence on knowing his business is what's absurd!
BUTT OUT!

IF he wants you to know he'll tell you.

He probably already knows that if you knew, it would open up the gates for your other thousand questions about it...then your trying to meet and talk to her.... he doesn't need you to be his mommy, therapist or matchmaker!

I Know you.... you're the nosy neighbor too huh?

"Oh, I see your mailbox is full and I haven't seen you in a few days....go on vacation? Maybe business trip? Perhaps a family issue? Were you ill? Out of town rendezvous? Visiting family? Hmm? Whacha say? Maybe? Hmm? Hmm?".
 Passioncrazy
Joined: 4/5/2009
Msg: 45
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 1:36:34 AM
To be honest with you. I have been in your shoes. Live your life. To your heart felt feeling. Take each day one day at a time. Be strong. Pray. Have faith in yourself. It may be a long journey for you. Smile. The sun will rise. Your pal D
 I-am-Rei
Joined: 9/11/2009
Msg: 46
The Ex ... Pays for sex since it is more dignified than having your former wife nose around
Posted: 5/11/2011 2:57:31 AM

do I ignore his obvious relationship with one or more or ignore it

Seems you have no choice in here so ignore it because it doesn't matter one way or the other.


that seems so wrong to me.. If he is dating someone they would surely want to know and that is my way of thinking and feeling.

It maybe wrong for you but obviously not wrong for him. That is your way of thinking and feeling but it's not his way of thinking and feeling. Why not try to acknowledge his thinking and feeling?


I tried to discreetly ask if there was someone I should contact after his surgery and he said no. I assured him that I understood he was dating and he denied it...

Acknowledge his answer.


it was a question of weather [whether] I acknowledge the obvious or the absurd denial..

Obviously, you have already acknowledge the obvious and I guess nothing wrong with that because that's how you felt but then You must acknowledge too that he doesn't want to talk.



By the way, did you asked whose female undies were in the drawers and did he said to whom they belong?
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 47
The Ex ... Pays for sex since it is more dignified than having your former wife nose around
Posted: 5/11/2011 3:16:50 AM

My question was simply do I acknoledge or deny certain things, or do I make a point which may have merit in the mdorn day world of now?


OP, you have no choice in the matter. You have asked him twice accodring to this thread about a relationship, he has declined to indulge you. You then make an assumption that there is a woman out there and that he is hiding her from you.

Stop it!

By him clamming up on the topic is his way of saying this is not a line he wants to cross with you, you now it is your turn to process and accept this news....not twist it into something that suits what you found in his private drawres. He may have been seeing someone and maybe it ended...maybe he is a little sad over it...but the last woman he wants to discuss this with is the one who left 'by her own desires'. Get it yet? You cannot leave a marriage and expect them to want to include you in the same ways you included him afterwards. You shared your personal life with him...great! But he is not beholden to do the same. This is what YOU need to accept. Every relationship has boundaries, he has shown his...if you truly respected him, you would accept those boundaries.
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 48
The Ex....leave a box of rubbers and a tube of lube in the sock drawer!! then he will know it is OKAY
Posted: 5/11/2011 3:38:53 AM
do I pretend he is not seeing someone / some people or pretend he is celibate?

hon, if pretending is what you have to do to accomplish something that's a reasonable facsimile of "mind your own business", then by all means... PRETEND.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 49
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The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 4:06:59 AM
"Do you really think it is over thinking and not trying to be considerate?"

Yes, absolutely. The only OTHER description that fits what you are doing, involves a psychological need on your part, for your sake, to meddle in his life and run it. "Trying to BE considerate," when the person you are "being considerate OF," tells you to butt out and stop, isn't "being considerate."

One of the most tragic and annoying things that happens in life here, occurs when people who are out to make THEMSELVES look good or feel better about themselves, start meddling in the lives of others "for their own good." That is unquestionably what you are doing. It is either simple over-think, or it is a self-serving desire to continue to run his life to serve your own ego, or it is a result of you feeling GUILTY about your own relationship, and so wanting HIM to do what you are doing so that you can at least pretend you are both doing the same thing.

Work out your psychological self-block that is keeping you from seeing what you are really doing.
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 50
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The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 5:00:21 AM
OK, so he's seeing someone. He either is not close enough to whomever it is to warrant a follow up call from a third party following his surgery, or he simply doesn't want to share that information with you. You're divorcing him, right? Stop questioning him and let his business be his business.

I think the very fact that you started this thread shows you do have some issue with him seeing someone, though you claim you don't.
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