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 MarriedMommy
Joined: 10/3/2010
Msg: 51
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...Page 3 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
Maybe he is just sleeping around with a lot of different people and none of them really mean enough to him to warrant a phone call.
Maybe his relationship didn't work out and he has condoms and things just left over
Maybe he wears women s clothing

No matter the reason OP you have asked him more than once if he is in a relationship or of you need to contact someone.
Obviously he is either not in a relationship or he thinks it is none of your business.
 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 52
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 6:07:54 AM
lilcontrary: I don't see an issue here. It is very commendable that you have taken the role of caretaker during his re-cooperation. However, if he said there is no one who he'd like you to contact with regards to his condition, then let it be.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 53
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 6:22:06 AM
I have instead a couple of questions for you. Are you staying at his place while you are taking care of him? Do you just come over a few times a week and do his laundry? Or do you take care of other things around, such as meals?

Also, very important. Who divorced whom? (Or did the formal separation) Why is the divorce not final?

I think these questions are important for two reasons. One, you two still have unresolved issues, issues of control, issues of letting go, and if you want your next marriage to work, you need to resolve and close the book on that one. Second, I still feel that BOOTH of you are still playing emotional games of attachment.

And my advice.

Let go. Stop rationalizing the reasons why you prod into his personal dealings. If he wants to offer that information, fine, if he doesn't, it's none of your business. And completely break the umbilical cord ASAP.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 54
The Ex ... Pays for sex since it is more dignified than having your former wife nose around
Posted: 5/11/2011 7:00:57 AM
Talk about CONTROL issues! OP reminds me of my ex-wife! After we got divorced she was to refinance the house and give me half the equity....she DID, but wanted to put the money in one of HER accounts for me! WTF? I laughed so hard and said; "And you don't think you have control issues?" With a straight face she said; "I'm not gonna tellyou what to do with it, when you need some just call me and I'll withdraw it for you!"

Seriously? She couldn't see HOW messed up that was!
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 55
The Ex ... Pays for sex since it is more dignified than having your former wife nose around
Posted: 5/11/2011 7:07:55 AM

I laughed so hard and said; "And you don't think you have control issues?" With a straight face she said; "I'm not gonna tellyou what to do with it, when you need some just call me and I'll withdraw it for you!"

That is one of the strangest (and funniest) things I've ever heard. I'm trying to picture you calling up your ex and asking her for your allowance to go on a date.
 FyrKrakn
Joined: 2/21/2010
Msg: 56
The Ex ... Pays for sex since it is more dignified than having your former wife nose around
Posted: 5/11/2011 7:11:32 AM
There's always more to the story and other points of view, but I think that OP is a caretaker and got suckered in and would really like to share the burden or pass it all on to a current GF of the ex. The ex may not have that solid of a relationship yet, or may not want them to meet for fear of losing OP's help.

I've actually been in exactly this situation. It isn't the OP with control issues, it's the ex. There may be any number of resources available to the ex, including independence, but with opportunity, he's found a way to keep OP close for a little while longer.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 57
The Ex ... Pays for sex since it is more dignified than having your former wife nose around
Posted: 5/11/2011 7:13:36 AM

"I'm not gonna tellyou what to do with it, when you need some just call me and I'll withdraw it for you!"

Seriously? She couldn't see HOW messed up that was!


Wait a second. Were you married to my ex?
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 58
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 7:17:34 AM
I am not sure why you care, or what business it is of yours.
If you want to help than do if you are looking for someone else to feel your shoes than give him your boundries and ask him to plan accordingly.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 59
The Ex ... Pays for sex since it is more dignified than having your former wife nose around
Posted: 5/11/2011 7:24:42 AM
but I think that OP is a caretaker and got suckered in and would really like to share the burden or pass it all on to a current GF of the ex.

I MIGHT be able to buy that except she's going through his drawers and won't accept his answers, plus she doesn't mention wanting/needing help. Besides there are adult children for that first...

OP is a nosy little busy body!



Wait a second. Were you married to my ex?



LOL...maybe...
 Janet_Always
Joined: 12/7/2010
Msg: 60
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 7:28:09 AM
OP, you are disrespecting your ex by not taking his answer at face value.

For you to try and squirm information from him under the guise of "helping" is belittling.

He is perfectly capable of keeping in touch with whomever he chooses. He obviously contacted you and he could do the same for some other woman if he sees fit.

I think you owe him an apology as well as your new fiance. You are out of line in my book.
 FyrKrakn
Joined: 2/21/2010
Msg: 61
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 8:01:29 AM
Well, extreme caretakers are controlling, actually, it's why two controling people, one who uses the care and one who does all the caring, end up in conflict.

Caretakers never ever ever admit that they cannot do the job or that they would like help.

And I didn't see her confess to going through the drawers, I understood that she did laundry and put it away. If you've ever cared for an invalid or a quasi-one, one that you have fuzzy boundaries with, anyway, not only would you feel free to open a drawer to put clothes in or take them out, but the person you are caring for won't think twice about the contents.

I think the Ex is hoping for her to come back. I have a lover mystery is a ploy, the need is a ploy. OP's fiance is onto it but letting it play out. OP is trapped by her own compassion, and yeah, controlling nature.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 62
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 8:11:22 AM
OP- have you pretended that you don't have a lover/fiance?

it seems as though you have dumped off on your own fiance to go and hope to rekindle an old flame.


worry about your own house first...

so what if he is screwing someone else....he's a grown man.

he has a right and doesn't have to be held to the fire by you.


if you wanna help him out, then do so- but don't make a pest of yourself due to your own agenda.
 ChillinChill
Joined: 10/2/2010
Msg: 63
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 8:15:02 AM
The guy broke his collar bone. He isn't brain dead. WTF????
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 64
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 8:23:46 AM

The guy broke his collar bone. He isn't brain dead. WTF????


Breaking a collar bone can be as difficult and hard to handle as cancer of the elbow or the thumb.

The patient can complaint bitterly, thus not able to do their laundry, push the correct button on the microwave oven, or even clean their own butts.

The problem with such conditions is that they can spread fast, to nagging about job, nagging about life, and nagging about the spread of such malady to the exact, but opposite side of their body.
 rocketship51
Joined: 3/15/2010
Msg: 65
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 8:30:08 AM
OP...this is quite a rarity in the forums, in that it seems there is 100% consensus in the responses~ if you almost-ex husband is dating, or not...if he wishes to contact someone about his health, or not...if he doesn't wish to discuss any of this with you: it's none of your business. Can't be any clearer than that.

It's nice that you have stepped up to the plate to help him in his "hour of need." Whatever you observe, or overhear, or imagine while doing so....keep it to yourself. There isn't a single good reason for your insisting that he tell you about his dating life....none.

Your refusal to see what is so plain to such a varied group as us "forumites" is a bit odd.
 ChrisD1957
Joined: 12/20/2010
Msg: 66
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 8:33:28 AM
I will not assume you have a hidden agenda. If my ex asked for my help. I would accomodate if I could and have no interest in rekindling anything. Why is that no matter what the situation that some people believe there can be no other motive than rekindling, getting back with or trying to get in somebodies pants? Some people do nice things because they are nice people and want to help. Not everybody's motives are self surving. That being said, if he is or isnt it shouldnt really matter. Either way he doesnt wish to discuss it so leave it alone.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 67
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 8:40:16 AM
The person I pity the most in this whole mess is the OP's fiance. If the ex is getting this much crap because of one answer to a question that the OP refuses to accept as the truth, imagine what it would be like on a daily basis. At least the ex will be rid of her once he's better-unless he enjoys the drama.

If the OP is so upset at not hearing what she wants to hear, why is she still sticking it out? I think her new mission in life is to make the ex say: "Yes. I am seeing someone." She won't be happy until she hears that, and then will go nuts on the ex for lying. Even if the ex was seeing someone, he's not going to say because it would lead to 10,000 more question by the OP, wanting to know every detail, short of demanding a DNA profile and blood test from any love interest.
 lilcontrary
Joined: 3/16/2010
Msg: 68
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 8:54:34 AM
Outmind

I have instead a couple of questions for you. Are you staying at his place while you are taking care of him? Do you just come over a few times a week and do his laundry? Or do you take care of other things around, such as meals?

Also, very important. Who divorced whom? (Or did the formal separation) Why is the divorce not final?

I think these questions are important for two reasons. One, you two still have unresolved issues, issues of control, issues of letting go, and if you want your next marriage to work, you need to resolve and close the book on that one. Second, I still feel that BOOTH of you are still playing emotional games of attachment.


Fair enough questions.... I am staying at his place aka formerly our common residence. My own home is 7 hours away in another country so no I am not running back and forth. I am doing all the homemaking duties right now while he waits for the hospital to fit him in for the surgery which has been cancelled and rescheduled the last 3 days.

I left him because he had a long term relationship while we were married. We waited a year to see if we could work things out before deciding if we would split up so that was one year of the 5. I went through issues with cancer... that took more time. I moved out of country to my own home 2 years ago. One of those years is the required wait time by the court system in Canada before you can file for your divorce. The rest of the time we delayed due to some financial considerations that would behoove us both to hold off the final proceedings for a while. Sometimes things just make common sense to do.

The last time I had seen him was in Feb. for 3 days when I came back to pack some more of my things, see some old friends and go to the dentist. The total amount of times we have talked on the phone since last Oct has been 5x due to insurance information needed.

I would also like to clarify in particular is this whole "conversation" that some people think I dragged him kicking and screaming into was the total of 3-4 sentences long. His body language said way more then his mouth did... so yes I suppose I am curious why he feels the need to not say anything.. I did drop it but I get the feeling that he really would have liked to say more on the subject but I did drop it after I told him I didn't have a problem with him seeing someone.

Finally... I think he would have rather taken a beating then to ask anyone for help.

M.
 ComplekCity
Joined: 1/17/2011
Msg: 69
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 9:02:19 AM

His body language said way more then his mouth did... so yes I suppose I am curious why he feels the need to not say anything.. I did drop it but I get the feeling that he really would have liked to say more on the subject


Holy Toledo !

If he decides to say more he will.

He's a big boy isn't he ?

Otherwise, it's HIS business and justifying WHY you want to know doesn't change that.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 70
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 9:14:18 AM
Why is that no matter what the situation that some people believe there can be no other motive than rekindling, getting back with or trying to get in somebodies pants?

Why is it that some people can't see any other reason for not wanting to have any involvement with an ex? What's wrong with the idea that exes are just that - exes and that they belong in the past and it's time to seperate and move on?

Some people do nice things because they are nice people and want to help.

I do nice thing for people, but there are 6 billion people in the world, so I have to limit myself to helping a small subset of those 6 billion people and set some priorities among those I do help. In particular, my fiancee is at the top of that list, my family, her family and my best friend are next, the other people who are currently important to me are next and so on. My exes are not just some people - they're my exes, as in past tense. Doing nice things for people is not synonymous with doing nice things for exes.



but I did drop it after I told him I didn't have a problem with him seeing someone.


In that case, I'm COMPLETELY confused by the reasoning behind this thread.

Yeah, really. I wonder what gave her the idea that he needed her permission or even cared if she had a problem with him seeing someone.
 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 71
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 9:15:56 AM

I am engaged through out this 5 yr divorce process to another man and agreed to come back and help him as he has no family that can help him.


What is this divorce, the "Endless Story"? A 5yr divorce process? Talk about not being able to resolve issues and hanging on! But that's a different issue all together!



Seriously.. the why and where of the question is.. do I ignore his obvious relationship with one or more or ignore it which he seems fine to let me do.. Somehow.. that seems so wrong to me.. If he is dating someone they would surely want to know and that is my way of thinking and feeling.


Yes you ignore your concerns and respect his wishes. "One" or "more" is an indication of "no relationship". If he were in a relationship with another woman who ment something to him and he ment something to her, then you obviously wouldn't be the one taking care of him.


<div class="quote"> I tried to discreetly ask if there was someone I should contact after his surgery and he said no.
<div class="quote">

"NO" You have your answer in plain simple English, if you'll listen.

He's not going to be a total invalid after this surgery. My youngest broke his collar bone while playing for his school Hockey team, during a brutal check, 3 years ago and although he was in pain and a sling for 6 weeks, he could still do alot for himself. Still went to school et. Your ex won't likely be in bed or in the hospital for any length of time. The operation is day surgery here. He'll need some help dressing and undressing at the most, and all he has to do is wear clothing/pants with elastic around the waist for operational ease.

I think you're the type that feeds on being needed, and that's OK as long as it's filling your needs and those around you. He's a grown man, treat him like one.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 72
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 9:17:12 AM

I left him because he had a long term relationship while we were married. We waited a year to see if we could work things out before deciding if we would split up so that was one year of the 5. I went through issues with cancer..


You were married to him only 5 years? Seems like you both have enough codependency issues for a lifetime or from a 20 year marriage..

We understand the financial connection for both your insurance issues, but PLEASE leave his current dating life alone,
even though that may seem impossible for you since you will forever carry that resentment...
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 73
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 9:25:16 AM
He's not going to be a total invalid after this surgery.

No kidding. I had shoulder surgery in which they sawed off a piece of bone which then got srewed into a different place along with cutting some muscles and reattaching them in different places. Even though I had a girlfriend at the time, she didn't need to do anything for me even though I couldn't even raise my arm arm above my head or write for several weeks. In fact, I didn't want her to do anything for me. I learned to write on the chalk board left handed and I drove my car a few days after getting out of the hospital (shifting with my left hand was difficult, but doable.) A broken collar bone is just not a big deal. It's a minor (in my opinion) inconvenience that can easily be offset by a few pain pills.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 74
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 9:31:50 AM
Let me ask a couple of possibly dumb questions...
he has a broken collarbone, right? Is he in a body cast, iron lung, coma? Did you ever stop to think that if there was someone who needed to be contacted, he could do it himself-even if he had to ask you to dial the phone for him?
Somehow or other my impression of a broken collarbone is that it is painful and difficult to cope with some things,and there may be things that are just impossible-but I don't recall ever hearing that it rendered someone completely helpless.
Why do I get the feeling that you stepped up to help the guy, not just out of the goodness of your heart, but so you could investigate his life? He's your EX. I can understand that if you were not available, other arrangements for assistance might have been more complex,but I still think that you seized an opportunity to poke your beak into his life-and I wonder, why is that???
Cindy O
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 75
view profile
History
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 9:58:01 AM
abelian



Yeah, really. I wonder what gave her the idea that he needed her permission or even cared if she had a problem with him seeing someone.



Exactly! Why would she think he needed to get her ok when she is engaged for most of this time. She must have a really understanding fiancee to not be bothered by her staying at her ex's house 7 hours away. The only ABSURD part is her NOT getting it's NONE OF HER BUSINESS and he doesn't want to discuss it with her. Actually it's also ABSURD that she would pack up and temporarily move in with an ex 7 hours away who cheated on her and her fiancee supposedly doesn't mind.


Tall-IQ2

You were married to him only 5 years? Seems like you both have enough codependency issues for a lifetime or from a 20 year marriage..


I took it as the OP was referring to the 5 year divorce process but either way her obsession with his dating life is odd. The subject is not completely dropped or this thread wouldn't exist.
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