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 AUTHOR
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 76
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...Page 4 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

Strange circumstances have led me to come back and help the person who I am divorcing.


OP, I see a bunch of issues that are deeper than you wanting to know whether he is seeing someone or not, whether he should tell you anything or not.

You guys are not divorced, and you have dragged this thing for a long time. And along are playing games, yes games. You are playing a game. He is playing a game.

What does your Fiance things of all this? Does he approves? If I was him I would tell you that is time to get over, that your ex is a grown up man and can find someone else that lives less than 7 hours away to take care of him.

I broke a collar bone cycling. I've had friends that had to have plates and screws to keep it together. He can function, he does not need you there. YOU both are doing this because you are both perpetuating some drama that is unresolved.

My advice is to move the h ell out of there and tend to your home 7 hours away. Finish what you have to do so you are REALLY divorced, instead of playing this drama.

If you want that relationship you have with your bf, start by completely closing the door on the past.
 Pinky189
Joined: 6/23/2010
Msg: 77
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 10:10:16 AM
Op lists her Profession as "Taking care of my family"........

even though she's 7 hours away and its her EX and there mustn't be anyone else in the whole wide World who could help.
Hmm...................
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 78
view profile
History
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 10:17:45 AM

Op lists her Profession as "Taking care of my family"........



Who is looking after the parent with dementia as mentioned in the OP profile while she is back living with her ex? I can't believe his entire family is too ill to help him that he has to ask an ex 7 hours away. I don't think either one of them should be dating others. They haven't let go of the past.
 Pinky189
Joined: 6/23/2010
Msg: 79
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 10:21:22 AM

Who is looking after the parent with dementia as mentioned in the OP profile while she is back living with her ex? I can't believe his entire family is too ill to help him that he has to ask an ex 7 hours away.


I wondered the same thing,but,then thought that possibly her current fiance was...
Maybe they should ALL move in together and all look after each other
 lilcontrary
Joined: 3/16/2010
Msg: 80
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 10:40:49 AM
pinky189^^^

Op lists her Profession as "Taking care of my family"........


What a sordid thing I do.... Really if you were going to quote my profile you should have posted the other relevant info that goes along with it. My profile is not that long.

BTW for those that are concerned about my "other" relationship.. I would not worry too much about him since he is a very caring and understanding man who agreed with and helped me make the decision to come here. He has called to check in with me and has spoke with my ex and make his inquiries as to how he is feeling since they both know each other.

Thanks to the posters who have contributed or just offered kind words.

I am off to run my "victim" to town to take care of some errands.

Mary
 ChrisD1957
Joined: 12/20/2010
Msg: 81
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 11:23:23 AM
Why is it that some people can't see any other reason for not wanting to have any involvement with an ex? What's wrong with the idea that exes are just that - exes and that they belong in the past and it's time to seperate and move on?


If I remember correctly you have voiced your opinion regarding this many times. I will say that at least it is consistant. However, you have never been married with children, so your opinion is formed with a complete lack of experience. So, I will ask, why is it that some people voice an opinion on something they have absolutely no knowledge or experience? Sometimes no contact with an ex is impossible, that is if you have children with that ex and you are both involved in those children's lives. Communication and cooperation is imperative in order to give those children the best chance at being happy.

This may be irrelevant in regards to the OP's situation. I dont know if they have children together but since a blanket statement was thrown out there I felt a blanket reply was justified.
 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 82
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 11:30:13 AM
If I remember correctly you have voiced your opinion regarding this many times.


^^Oh yeah.......you remembered correctly. ahahaha

What I find interesting is her current beau appears to not have issues with this (she's not hiding, etc.....from him), but everyone else does. Oh well...............


ADDENDUM: lil'contrary - I just read your profile. How do you manage to care for a parent w/dementia and your soon to be ex?
 ChrisD1957
Joined: 12/20/2010
Msg: 83
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 11:36:02 AM
Holly.....Bingo!!. Everyone wants to build some BS drama into every post. Throw up a shingle, buy a couch and tell them what they are really thinking. Sometimes an act of kindness is just an act of kindness and if I want to continue contact with someone that I shared a good part of my life and you dont like it, too damn bad.
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 84
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 12:52:36 PM
OP, i am going to assume you were a full time housewife in your younger years, and devoted your life to caring for your children and your spouse and the family unit as a whole. But now, the kids are grown and you are divorced, and have no idea how in the hell to cope with it since your role has been homemaker and nurturer for so long.

This is the opportune time to get back to YOU. Do all the things might not have had time for when you were a fulltime Wife and Mother. Get some hobbies, travel, go to the club, sleep in, go dancing, find stuff to do, enjoy your new freedoms, do whatever floats your boat, but leave that man alone for Gods sakes. Most of all, make the relationship you are in NOW your priority.

Im sorry, but i dont think that you will be able to have a succesful LTR or marriage with someone new if you are this far up your ex's rear-end. Unless your new guy is a doormat with no self respect to the nth degree, he will grow tired of this and find someone else not so enmeshed into their ex-spouses life.
What a buzz-kill. I wouldnt find it attractive in the slightest if someone was so hung up on their ex that they might as well still be with them.
You guys look really happy and cute together in your photo, so i would want to hang on to the new guy and make him my priority.

Why cant your adult children care for him? Are they ill as well? and if they are, shouldnt you be caring for them?
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 85
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 1:26:16 PM
However, you have never been married with children, so your opinion is formed with a complete lack of experience.

I've also never been divorced, so apparently the experience from getting married isn't a good indicator of staying married or even being able to maintain a relationship. On the other hand, my experience from being in a few long term relationships indicates than not having exes around never causes any problems. I have yet to hear a woman say to me, ``Gee, I wish you'd hang around with your ex and if she needs you for anything, feel free to stay with her for a few days or however long she wants you to help her out.'' I wonder why that is. My fiancee WAS married for 12 years and she doesn't keep in touch with her ex and she certainly wouldn't go take care of him, even if he lived 10 minutes away. Her divorce was very amicable, she holds no ill will towards her ex, but she wouldn't consider trading time with me to take care of him.

Sometimes an act of kindness is just an act of kindness and if I want to continue contact with someone that I shared a good part of my life and you dont like it, too damn bad.

My first priority is the person I'm with now. Telling her ``Too damn bad'' in response to her objecting to me spending time with an ex is not an act of kindness. It's act of indifference to the person who is my first priority to spend time with someone who is supposedly in my past.
 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 86
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 1:37:56 PM
I have yet to hear a woman say to me, ``Gee, I wish you'd hang around with your ex and if she needs you for anything, feel free to stay with her for a few days or however long she wants you to help her out.'' I wonder why that is.



^^^And you're not. Lets be realistic one's S.O. is not going to say "Gee, I wish you'd hang around with your ex........". However, they may support their S.O. in maintaining an amicable friendship for the sake of their respective children and/or any financial dealings (i.e. property, alimony, etc.........).

Now if one believes it is "taboo" to maintain exes as friends (not talking BFFs or Goombas), that is a whole another ball of wax, and we know how you stand on that topic. ;-)


ADDENDUM:
Telling her ``Too damn bad''
That wouldn't fly too well either, Chris. lol
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 87
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 1:49:25 PM
My question to him was is there anyone I should let know how you are doing after the surgery?


He has a broken collarbone---not a broken voicebox. If there were anyone else that needed to know his health status, he would have told you without being prompted.


Basically he called for help and I am trying to be considerate of his space/ ie relationships.


There is no "trying". You simply are----or in this case, aren't. You aren't respecting his right to privacy.


Sometimes there is no ulterior motive for helping someone.


Baloney---your motive is to satisfy your curiosity and compulsive need to feel needed.


Just wondering if I should ignore things or try and help him along in his relationship/s ?


It sounds more to me like you have control issues. That's probably why you two aren't still together. His relationships with others are no longer your concern---butt out.
 ChrisD1957
Joined: 12/20/2010
Msg: 88
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 2:07:28 PM

I've also never been divorced, so apparently the experience from getting married isn't a good indicator of staying married or even being able to maintain a relationship. On the other hand, my experience from being in a few long term relationships indicates than not having exes around never causes any problems
.

You just dont get it. Or maybe you do and it is just who you are. The number one priority in my life is not me or my relationship, it is my children. That means that I do what is in their best interest. It doesnt mean I am unreasonable or obsessive, what it means is that, for example, I will maintain a relationship with someone that I normally wouldnt because I feel they will benefit from the cooperation between me and my ex.


That wouldn't fly too well either, Chris. lol
. I know it wouldnt. The people I date would never have a problem with it in the first place. I would never have to say that.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 89
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 2:19:30 PM
Wow-this thread is taking off wildly in all directions,in'it?
As far as the comment to abelian, I think the point there is that sometimes,even though a marriage ends, there may be reasons( like children, business interests, long history,mutual friends,etc) that one cannot just slam the door shut and forget all about the "ex". This is certainly not the first time I've heard of exes helping one another or someone who is ill or injured turning to their ex because that was the most workable solution.
That said, the OP being so interested in prying into her ex's love life is more than a bit odd, IMO. If you are gonna help somebody, help them. Don't use the guise of helping somebody to pry into their business-or try to control their lives. Just as a general commentary, this is EXACTLY why I prefer NOT to call on friends or family for help, other than very minor things. There is a human tendency, I think, that when you help someone with anything other than minor/casual things, you feel like you are entitled to have input, to ask questions, to analyze. That is a difficult thing, to REFRAIN from examining, analyzing, and then trying to impose your own input. Probably the reason the OPs' ex is not discussing his love life with her is because he doesn't want unrequested input. And since she's helping him, the OP tends to feel entitled to have input. That's a fairly common human trait.
But what bothers me is that the OP is so invested in poking her beak into her ex's romantic life that she has to come here and start a thread about it. If he doesn't want to discuss his love life, that's his prerogative. He does not "owe" explanations and discussions of his social and romantic life, however much the OP may THINK he does, based on her rendering of assistance.
But lets face it, if the OP posted a topic that she wanted to help an ex who was incapacitated/partially incapacitated due to injury, and her current SO was pitching a fit, we'd all be calling the current SO "insecure, jealous, controlling".
OP, here's my 2 cents. Help the man, and if he doesn't care to discuss his current love life, respect that just as you would any other friend. If you stepped up to help BECAUSE you saw an opportunity to size up his current romantic status, maybe you ought to be thinking long and hard about why this knowledge is so important to you. It doesn't sound like there are dependent children that could be impacted by their fathers' dating practices.
To all intents and purposes, you have no standing to evaluate his romances, or lack thereof. However, I suspect that there is still some unfinished business between you and he. Otherwise his sex life would be of little concern to you.
Cindy O
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 90
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 2:21:58 PM

Or maybe you do and it is just who you are.

I do get it, so I guess it's who I am (whatever thqat means).

The number one priority in my life is not me or my relationship, it is my children.

I don't recall children being a part of anything in this thread. The children angle is just a red herring.

It doesnt mean I am unreasonable or obsessive, what it means is that, for example, I will maintain a relationship with someone that I normally wouldnt because I feel they will benefit from the cooperation between me and my ex.

When there's a thread in which children are involved, my opinion will reflect that.
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 91
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 2:26:32 PM
I think the reason you asked is PROBABLY out of good intentions.
At least consciously.

I certainly may have asked if I should "contact someone" for him.
But hopefully you didn't mention a GF...or ask questions.

Drop off groceries..maybe put some things in the freezer he can microwave.
Take a load of clothes home..whatever.
Friends/family can do the rest..JMO

No sponge baths..Men can go weeks and he won't die from lack of soap.
Gawd knows after a hurricane I actually lived 3 weeks no real bath or electricity.

I got through it.

Hell, canned beans and dry cereal/granola bars..
I am of the mind I would have my ex an ex forever and ever AMEN, but until wearing your bunny slippers..who knows.

Your SO must be a flipping saint.

I would be very careful OP.
The man won't die..this is not life threatening to him, but maybe to your current relationship.

If it is so "just the thing to do out of kindness" I don't get why the OP at all.

Are people questioning your motives?
Why the title of the thread? OBVIOUSLY has a lover?
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 92
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 3:08:12 PM
I, along with many here, don't understand this thread - its no business of yours whether he is seeing anyone else or not.

On the helping the ex thing - yeah, I've done it - she was going in for surgery and going under anesthesia, they wouldn't release her without someone picking her up, and she'd called several other people before me (in fact I was probably her "last option" or she wouldn't have called). I picked her up in the morning and dropped her off (she could have taken a cab...), and I picked her up that afternoon and drove her home, stopped and got take-out on the way back (she paid, since I was doing her a favor) and actually spent the night on the sofa after making sure she got upstairs and to bed... made sure she was ok in the morning (had a cup of coffee w/ her), and left (I did call that night to check up how she was doing). I only spent the night because they do (medically) recommend having someone around after anesthesia - but she was perfectly capable of doing things herself after - I certainly wouldn't be spending "days there" taking care of her like she's incapable of taking care of herself. I was single at the time, honestly if I hadn't been I wouldn't have spent the night (would've stuck around an hour maybe to make sure she was getting around ok and left - although I still would have called the next day just to make sure she was ok). I don't really have any contact with her (and haven't for years). It was just a 'nice' thing to do for someone who I'm sure wouldn't have called me if I wasn't otherwise the last option.

Honestly OP, you sound like you're treating him like he's helpless to take care of himself, which is *not* your problem. I certainly wouldn't have spent days there doing her laundry and other stuff, nor would I be prying through her dresser drawers. There's a big difference between just being 'nice' and doing something for someone who is out of other options, and 'caretaking' someone who is more than capable of taking care of themselves. You sound *way* too involved in this "ex's" life. Who cares if he "obviously has a lover" - geez, so do you! Is your sex life his business? His shouldn't be any of yours either.
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 93
view profile
History
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 3:23:25 PM
forums1

I, along with many here, don't understand this thread - its no business of yours whether he is seeing anyone else or not.

On the helping the ex thing - yeah, I've done it -



Although I can't imagine ever being asked to help my ex at his home, I have picked him up at the local airport when there was a delay and gave him a ride home, 1 hr away. I also let him spend a night on the couch for an early morning flight. I just tried to avoid him and let him interact with our children.


When first dating my SO, my ex wanted me to go to another state with him for a job interview. There is no way I wanted to ride in a car for hours and spend time away from home with my ex but the guy I had just started dating trusted me and was going to move our date to a later time if I wanted to go.


What most of us don't get is NOT the helping out an ex, even though 7 hrs away is a long way to go. It's being so concerned with his dating life that's odd. Sure you might be curious after finding something but once he said NO it's odd to assume he is hiding it afraid you won't approve. This OP is where the situation becomes absurd.


bigbadNirish

And when you got him home...did you offer to put his clothes away...and rifle his drawers looking for a new love interest???


Ha, ha, of course NOT! As stated in an earlier post of mine my ex was always asking questions about my love life. I have never asked him anything. It's of no concern to me unless a woman was mistreating my kids. Occasionally a pair of his underwear or socks gets in with the kids clothes he sends home dirty. When I returned them he asked if I washed them and didn't like it that I didn't, too bad.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 94
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 3:25:09 PM
Exactly...OP...I hate to say this...but...when someone gets a lawyer and files for divorce...usually it's over...just sayin'...try takin' care of "your" business.


I have picked him up at the local airport when there was a delay and gave him a ride home,


And when you got him home...did you offer to put his clothes away...and rifle his drawers looking for a new love interest???
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 95
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 3:35:09 PM

bviously involved with one or more people as evidenced in his dresser drawer contents...


God help ya if you were my ex going thru my drawers and find what's sliding around in there.You could probably write a damn novel with your (as someone has already stated) OVERTHINKING. And really, what type of "detective" skills do you really have to "conclude" that he OBVIOUSLY has "a" lover????? Notice you are only assuming he has one, and I'm betting you're thinking one of those "female ones" too.
 Janet_Always
Joined: 12/7/2010
Msg: 96
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 4:39:38 PM
I think what the OP was fishing for was reasons relating to *her* why he might be trying to hide his female companionship.

Even without her wanting him back she could be enticed by the idea that he wants to rekindle...

"he still loves me" is a nice stroke to the ego.
 lilcontrary
Joined: 3/16/2010
Msg: 97
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 7:17:16 PM
sweetnessinflorida..

sorry, but i dont think that you will be able to have a succesful LTR or marriage with someone new if you are this far up your ex's rear-end. Unless your new guy is a doormat with no self respect to the nth degree, he will grow tired of this and find someone else not so enmeshed into their ex-spouses life.
What a buzz-kill. I wouldnt find it attractive in the slightest if someone was so hung up on their ex that they might as well still be with them.
You guys look really happy and cute together in your photo, so i would want to hang on to the new guy and make him my priority.

Why cant your adult children care for him? Are they ill as well? and if they are, shouldnt you be caring for them?


To make it clear.. my kids are not my/this ex's.. They belong to their dad who is also supportive of me being here.... especially since I have acted in the same order for him in days gone by. I appreciate your candid perception.. idea? not sure what to call it but.. for what ever reason.. It is not a "buzz kill". For me and my friends, family, group, what ever you wish to call it.. We are still close emotionally. My new guy is anything but a door mat and if he ever thought I was trying to shove something up his asterisk.. he would smack me down in a moments time. Such is the life of a Mexican male.. lol Honestly.. he trusts what this whole thing is about and tonight.. he told me he misses me much and wants me to hurry home.. when things are good herre...If he didn't wish this of me I would be worried.. but he did and I told him how I wanted to be there. Which I do... *big sigh*

M.
 nicegirl1974
Joined: 7/25/2010
Msg: 98
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/11/2011 11:24:07 PM
Well your ex who u are divorcing knows how to push your buttons to make u feel sorry for him so he more less doesn't have to pay for a nurse,personal support worker,or any agency to come in and do it for him....plus he gets to see u also cus he probably still loves u deep down....
it don't matter what u found in his dresser drawer...u r the ex u shouldn't care as long as he is out of your life and happy ....move on in which u have u are engaged !
by asking him if someone is in his life more less told him u still have feelings for him..

from the beginning i would of said sorry I have my own life now I'm sure the doctor can set up agencies to come in and help u I've moved on I'm with a man and we are happy !!
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 99
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/12/2011 4:01:38 AM
You asked him a question and he answered it..... if you want ego stroking, go talk to yourself in the mirror.
I have to second the statement from jackieangel^^^^^.... Your being used for your 'services' and it seems you like it.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 100
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/12/2011 9:30:15 AM
jackieangel does bring up some good points, there are LOTS of people who live by themselves and do not have family close by to take care of them in a medical adversity. I do realize that if someone is uninsured or under-insured it may take a little more research to connect with a solution.
I believe the OP made the statement in an earlier post that her ex "would rather have taken a beating than ask for help"-which makes me wonder if she did not just inject herself into the situation,with underlying motives that she herself may not be fully conscious of. Especially considering the distance, the needing to actually stay in the home with the "patient", and apparently having to have made SOME arrangement for the parent suffering from dementia, whilst she is away taking care of an ex with an injury that is limiting but not necessarily incapacitating.
And the very title of the topic "The Ex...Obviously has a lover.." SO WHAT? If the guy really needs a live-in helper due to having a broken collarbone, what does a lover have to do with anything? It might not be the type of involvement where the lover could be asked to be the live-in nurse, maybe the lovers' own schedule and obligations prohibit this, and maybe the ex doesn't want to give the OP an opportunity to meddle in his current involvement. Perhaps this has happened before?
I dunno-I can certainly appreciate how finances and medical issues could factor into the timeline of a divorce...but 5 years?
Somebody doesn't want to let go, do they?
Cindy O
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