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 AUTHOR
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 101
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...Page 5 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
(lilcontrary) Do you really think it is over thinking and not trying to be considerate?


I know you asked igor, but I just had to say: Yes, you're overthinking this.


I just know I dont hide my relationships and finally my engagement from him.


He's not you. He handles his personal life his way. You're being a busy-body.

Arlo...
 poferette
Joined: 2/11/2011
Msg: 102
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/12/2011 5:12:54 PM
Geez, if he was in a relationship, don't you think he would have called her? I don't know what you found, but maybe he is considerate of anyone coming and spending the night and keeps spares or is a cross dresser. Who knows. It is his business, not yours. Finish whatever you feel you have to do to help him and gtfo.
 lilcontrary
Joined: 3/16/2010
Msg: 103
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/12/2011 9:04:25 PM
Update....
Today was surgery day... and it turns out yes there was someone who wanted called...after they got over their dislike of me being here. I suppose that when you have known someone close to 20 yrs, you realize when they are hedging or skirting the truth... which is what I thought was happening. Way back in msg 75 I said his body language said more then his mouth and I dropped the topic. It turns out I was right. He was silent because they did not want to hear anything from ME. C'mon.. really get over it.. if you can not step in and pony up then move over and let the next logical choice do it.

msg 75..

I would also like to clarify in particular is this whole "conversation" that some people think I dragged him kicking and screaming into was the total of 3-4 sentences long. His body language said way more then his mouth did... so yes I suppose I am curious why he feels the need to not say anything.. I did drop it but I get the feeling that he really would have liked to say more on the subject but I did drop it after I told him I didn't have a problem with him seeing someone.


BTW.. for those that said a broken clavicle was nothing.. think about a 2.5 hour surgery instead of the normal 1 hour for said simple fracture. Really? I know there are many Omnipotents out here but who the hell gets to define someone else's pain level? For the love of Mike....

Oh and for the really curious on what was in the dresser drawers.. it was my old dresser (now his) that had some of my old clothes in it and I was going to bag it up for the local charity shop... I found it had moved down a few drawers and had been replaced with something I didn't remember buying. Then I realized I was never that size... lol So much for the oh so exciting toy box..

Ah well.. so much for all the armchair psychology going on here.. btw.. some of you people make for some pretty good response team trolls... So glad I don't know you in irl.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 104
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/12/2011 9:11:43 PM
yes there was someone who wanted called...after they got over their dislike of me being here.


We're glad you enjoyed our objective analysis of the subjective delicate subject YOU brought up..
Now please fill us in on all the juicy details you gleaned about his new main squeeze..

Inquiring minds are panting waiting to know everything you found out!
 lilcontrary
Joined: 3/16/2010
Msg: 105
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/12/2011 9:29:23 PM
No info gleaned... contrary to popular belief.. I really don't care who he is seeing. I do wonder if I am the only one that thinks it odd that someone would not want information about another they care about, just because they don't like the source it is coming from (simply because they are an ex)? Very queer thinking in my book. I am not certain that I could date someone like that but to each their own.

M.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 106
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/12/2011 9:37:16 PM
^^^^^ Maybe because you're involved in an unhealthy manner!
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 107
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History
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/12/2011 9:45:03 PM
Well let's see.........still married after 5 years of seperation.....you still have stuff at his house.....
he asks his wife to help him out when in need.....

and you wonder why "She" might have a bit of an issue with his "wife" ???

Are you truly that clueless?
 lilcontrary
Joined: 3/16/2010
Msg: 108
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/12/2011 9:45:10 PM
I will stack up my unhealthy manner against your not so healthy "healthy" mannerisms any day. I know what is in my heart .. and that is to care for the people in my life the best way I know how. If that makes me unhealthy then so be it. Perhaps if people had more empathy, kindness and caring the world would not be so ugly?

M.
edit for msmicki... I still have stuff at my kids dad's house after being divorced for 20 some years.. That truly means nothing. I lost a lot of weight and the clothing was one of those things I did not need to bring with me and I just never got around to it as it wasnt a priority since I had a major renovation going on in my new home... I have time now. I think the thing that should really be in her mind is the frequency of how often we dont see each other or talk on the phone. That is far more telling then when we do see or talk to each other.

vvvv... Tall IQ
"mother mary " never wanted details. Just asked the question if she should notify someone after the surgery then reaffirmed I would not be offended if so.. I am not sure where you get the idea I wanted details??? Please point to where I said that specifically.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 109
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/12/2011 9:52:59 PM
Perhaps if people had more empathy, kindness and caring the world would not be so ugly?


Hey, most Forumites are all for more empathy in this world.. Also we appreciate privacy about our gonads business..
Sex just isn't as much fun if Mother knows or our soon to be Ex wants to be filled in as a vicarious partner to the nasty private activities.. Understand we have to exaggerate to get the points across to you ..
There are some things we just don't want to share, most people want personal control of their private lives and don't seek anyone's permission or assent... S
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 110
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The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/12/2011 9:56:47 PM
No.......what is "telling" is the one true simple fact here......
YOU are his WIFE.

and you have no clue what he has told her about you......or that fact.

This whole thread has been pointless........You got what you wanted.....
no matter how your "ex" or his new woman feels about it.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 111
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/12/2011 10:06:40 PM
^^^^^^ Got a feeling the OP is always that nosy and pushy.... I hope the new beau sees the light before its too late!
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 112
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The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/12/2011 10:11:09 PM

He was silent because they did not want to hear anything from ME. C'mon.. really get over it.. if you can not step in and pony up then move over and let the next logical choice do it.


Yes, you should really get over it..hopefully now that this person has come forward to rescue your ex from you..you WILL get over it and disappear from his life.

I think you volunteered and brow beat the poor bastage into 'allowing' you to help him in his time of need...gawd what a drama queen you are.

This thread isn't about your ex, how your ex has a woman..this is all about YOU.

Broken clavicle or not..he is dayum lucky to be getting rid of you.
 lilcontrary
Joined: 3/16/2010
Msg: 113
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/12/2011 10:19:42 PM
Ms Micki.. Respectfully.. what I wanted was to know how to handle a situation that I really did not want to deal with in addition to what I am already doing. It is/was fine he asked for help but, when it became obvious that someone is involved with him and that maybe they were not able to be there for him for some reason (and evidently there is from what I was told this morning) that maybe I should offer to make a call on his behalf or dial and hold the friggin phone up to his ear for him? You are right.. I have no idea what he has told about me.. I may be the witch that rode in on a broom in her eyes now... so what? I am doing and offering the same thing I would for anyone else.. nothing special because he is my ex. The fact that I am his legally separated wife (and that makes a clear difference up in Canada) is really kind of moot since there is a definite end in sight and it was agreed we should hold out a bit more for financial reasons and that agreement included input from my fiance' who agrees with the train of thought.

edit
^^^^ Ping... interesting but I don't recall volunteering.. just being called in the middle of the night and being asked to come and help. Evidently I must not be that bad of a character for him to ask. I find it very curious you don't even know me and yet you think he is lucky if he gets rid of me because I helped him??? Your logic leaves a lot to be desired.... remember my comment about response team trolls? Your comments are a classic example.

addendum... MsMicki VVVV
Um the clavicle IS the collar bone. I'm not sure how you react to anesthesia but quite frankly I do not do well with it and can not phone anyone and be coherent for a day afterwards. My family/spouse has always done that for me ie call family / friends. From the looks of the ex tonight.. I don't see him being able to manage it until tomorrow either. Oh and I broke my clavicle on both sides as a child.. it didn't slow me down either but then again, I didn't shatter the bone and require surgery either.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 114
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History
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/12/2011 10:36:29 PM
Oh give me a break!
I broke my clavical and collar bone.....and I was still able to pick up a phone and make phone calls...and obviously so is your Ex.....since he called you!
Go on and keep on denying......but I don't see one person here that you have conviced yet!
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 115
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/12/2011 10:48:31 PM
I'd help my ex out at the drop of a hat and he would do likewise; however, no matter his body language when responding to such a question, I wouldn't think it would give me license to press any further...and I've known him for 43 years.

Sounds to me that you haven't learned to develop boundaries or totally let go yet. It was such a burning issue for you that you had to write about it. You say you have no problem if he has a female friend/lover/whatever - how magnanimous of you. For whatever reason, his female friend couldn't attend to him, or she would be doing it instead of you. She doesn't want to interact with you - that's her prerogative. I'm sure she'll be happy to know that you're taking the rest of your clothing out of his drawers after all this time. Speaking of which, I find it rather curious that you mentioned this was an old dresser of "yours" - it sounds somewhat territorial, as does the fact you found something of another woman's in there. After the length of your split, I'd find it strange if there wasn't some remnants of a female presence. Drop the matter with him and drop it in your mind as well. Seriously, you don't need to know - you just think you do.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 116
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/12/2011 11:18:11 PM

It is/was fine he asked for help but, when it became obvious that someone is involved with him and that maybe they were not able to be there for him for some reason (and evidently there is from what I was told this morning)


You're obviously a MUCH better person than the other woman...after all YOU are the one going out of YOUR way to help this poor SAP and SHE won't or can't.
Can't he see what he's missing? How will he take care of himself once mommy is gone for good?
I think you should take it upon yourself to check up on him from time to time, perhaps fix him dinner and pack lunches for him too!
While you're at it bring in the mail for him too....offer to open and read it to him.

Oh, yeah, make sure you drop in at irregular times...just to make sure he's okay!
 gardenias2
Joined: 1/13/2011
Msg: 117
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/13/2011 12:43:11 AM
Sounds to me that you haven't learned to develop boundaries or totally let go yet.


that about sums it up. and you are in a bit of a sticky situation. however do your best and know that everyone handles divorce in their own way. you want to be "friends" that can talk about your other romances. he's not on that page now and may never be.

be grateful things are amicable and respect his boundaries. good luck!
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 118
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/13/2011 3:49:51 AM

what I wanted was to know how to handle a situation that I really did not want to deal with

you should hear yourself talk. he didn't ask you to deal with it. by your own account, he would like you to butt out but you won't shut up about what you found in his drawer and what you should do about it.
 ChillinChill
Joined: 10/2/2010
Msg: 119
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/13/2011 5:19:43 AM
^^^^ WTF was in that drawer? That's what I wanna know.
 ChrisD1957
Joined: 12/20/2010
Msg: 120
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/13/2011 6:27:37 AM
Once again it is pile on the OP time. Here is how I see it. The ex call you for help. You agreed. You know he is taking advantage of you but you do it because you feel sorry for him. It appears that he doesnt have anybody else to help, after all you dont hate him and he needs help. In helping out you see signs of "romantic interludes" and are wondering if you are preventing a SO from helping out and perhaps causing problems with a relationship he may be having. You approach him, ask and he denies.

There really is nothing else you can do but ask, if he denies it, leave it alone. If I were you I would leave (if you havent already) as soon as you feel he is somewhat self sufficent. In the future you need to make it clear that he needs to depend on someone else.

Regarding the posters here, if Florence Nightingale posted on here talking about a patient they would tell her she is really being self serving and trying to cop a feel, 90% should be ignored and 10% should be laughed at.....yes me included.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 121
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/13/2011 6:40:46 AM

Regarding the posters here, if Florence Nightingale posted on here talking about a patient they would tell her she is really being self serving

Everything people do is self serving. Altruism is only what appears to be self-sacrifice at the most superficial level. At a deeper level, it fills some psychological need. Even martyrs martyr themselves for self-serving reasons.
 kayla1963
Joined: 4/1/2011
Msg: 122
The Ex ... Pays for sex since it is more dignified than having your former wife nose around
Posted: 5/13/2011 6:58:11 AM
Jayzus, lady .... You just don't get it! Forget all the sideshow B.S. about why you are there or why you are still married or why you are looking in his drawers.

Your logic leaves a lot to be desired
Hahaha!

What makes you think you have the right to make any deductions about the "evidence" you found in his drawers?

Maybe he is collecting condoms to send to the troops overseas.
Maybe he loans his bachelor pad to a buddy who is having an illicit affair with a woman.
Maybe your marriage with him turned him gay and he is trying to throw you off the scent!

Your problem is twofold:
1) you think you have the right to make some sort of hypothesis and conclusion about his personal life based on his personal belongings.
2) you think that, when his "response" does not mesh with what you feel is "appropriate," you can essentially accuse him of lying.

That makes you one twisted unit. Do you get it?

Here are my credentials in case you choose to deflect by focusing on all the peripheral bullshit.:
1) I have taken care of an ex's family member during a time of need
2) I have broken my own collarbone when I went endo on my motorcycle.

Forget all the window dressing about why you are so wonderful to take care of people. NONE of it gives you the right to draw some conclusions that are obviously biased by your perspective and then, on top of it, csll him a LIAR.


In case yo mama missed it, here is how you conduct yourself in someone elses's space:
1) Treat their belongings with respect
2) if you come across something personal (regardless of the long rationalization about how, when and why it happened), you kerp it to your fawkin' self!

I know stuff I will tske to the grave. If you really must speculate, keep it in your own head!

Do you GET it? Seriously!!!???? You have NO RIGHT to ask him about sh1t you find in his personal space, regardless of your twisted justification for "calling someone who cares." None of us gives a rat's a$$ why you want to know whether he has someone. Everything you present is rationalization at best, and more likely a form of control and manipulation.

STOP IT!

If you can, stop painting yourself with all kinds of altruistic motivations when you have an obvious conflict of interest!!!

You are not entitled to act, comment or follow up on ANYTHING you find in his personal space.
The only exception to this fundamental rule of RESPECT for another person (which is what you claim to be using as your driver - what a load of krap!) is if it is illegal! Your choice then, is to distance yourself and/or notify the authorities about his child porn, plot to overthrow the government, etc.

Do you GET it ?!?!?

NONE OF YOUR TWISTED NOSEY BUSINESS!!!


what I wanted was to know how to handle a situation that I really did not want to deal with

You are one piece of work. I thought you were there to help him, but it seems to be all about you, doesn't it?
I'm with Motown on this one.

Now, quit dragging out all the red herrings about why you went there and went in his drawers. Trying to extract the "truth" about what you feel is so "obvious" (but then, we have seen how your mind works) is a VIOLATION of his boundaries and personal space! THAT is a sign of a person with low character (and a sign of possible personality disorder when you continually try to rationalize the bad behavior). < *what you will drive him to do*
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 123
The Ex ... Pays for sex since it is more dignified than having your former wife nose around
Posted: 5/13/2011 7:14:19 AM
This is just messed up OP.
No matter how hard you try, you are not going to be the
number one focus of your ex anymore. You're important to
him as a caretaker, but not as someone he needs to share his
life with.

You wanted to know about his current girlfriend, and you found
out she pretty much thinks of you with disdain. And why not? Your
husband has probably told her what a controlling, busy body box of
goods you are and they laugh behind your back.

It's sometimes a sad day when we find out our ex's actually are doing
well without us and don't pine for the good old days. Maybe you're there
because he doesn't want to pay for someone to come in and doesn't want
to put his current girlfriend out.

You're 50 years old and you're seriously messed up when it comes to
boundaries. While I might pat you on the back for wanting to help an
ex, it's clear you're mostly helping yourself and your needs.

We can't say this often enough on these forums.
I think you need professional help.

The worst thing about this thread is you can't let it go. You keep digging
deeper and deeper and proving again and again how seriously farked up
you are.
 kayla1963
Joined: 4/1/2011
Msg: 124
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/13/2011 7:27:43 AM
Hahahah! I just read in your previous post that you were "right!"


It turns out I was right. He was silent because they did not want to hear anything from ME. C'mon.. really get over it.. if you can not step in and pony up then move over and let the next logical choice do it.

Gee, can you blame him? You are still so twisted to think he should do it your way.

You still don't get it.
Is this the same OP that posted the following contention that we are supposed to believe?
anyways.. I want him to be happy.

You mean you want him to be happy as long as he does it in a way that makes you feel happy and included in his life.

What a tiresome, meddling freak. You are really something.

How can you blame him for keeping his new "love" as far away from you as possible?
 ChrisD1957
Joined: 12/20/2010
Msg: 125
The Ex ... Pays for sex since it is more dignified than having your former wife nose around
Posted: 5/13/2011 7:28:57 AM

Everything people do is self serving. Altruism is only what appears to be self-sacrifice at the most superficial level. At a deeper level, it fills some psychological need. Even martyrs martyr themselves for self-serving reasons
.....Why does it not surprise me that you feel this way.
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