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 AUTHOR
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 126
The Ex ... Pays for sex since it is more dignified than having your former wife nose aroundPage 6 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
There have been posts in the past where the roles were reversed and it's a man who is prying into the sex life of an ex (or in this case, still married) and doesn't believe the ex's answers to questioning. The responses are not as kind as in this case. People's immediate response is: "Call the cops. Get a restraining order. The guy is a psycho nut job. He is dangerous and is a threat", etc. But if it is a woman doing it, most people think she's just being too nosy. Talk about double standard.
 Janet_Always
Joined: 12/7/2010
Msg: 127
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/13/2011 8:25:43 AM
I don't understand wanting to stay married for financial reasons while being engaged to someone else. What possibly could be such a great selling point for this scenario that the new guy is all on board? Sounds fishy to me... and there may be much more to this arrangement than has been disclosed.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 128
The Ex ... Pays for sex since it is more dignified than having your former wife nose around
Posted: 5/13/2011 9:01:25 AM
.Why does it not surprise me that you feel this way.

Perhaps because you've never thought very deeply about what motivates you or other people to do what people do. Personally, I think it's obvious, but if it isn't, then you're easily manipulated by people who can push your buttons. The OP is pretty good example of that. She wants to think of herself as having such highly altruistic motives, yet is puzzled by her exes behaviour. Why do you suppose that is? I mean, who would not be open and honest with such a dedicated ex wife who just wants to let her ex know that she's ok with him dating? (The answer is, a person who refuses to understand her own motivation for what she does and prefers to remain deluded about her altruism.)
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 129
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/13/2011 9:01:43 AM

But if it is a woman doing it, most people think she's just being too nosy. Talk about double standard.


Nope...that's a stereotype.
 ChrisD1957
Joined: 12/20/2010
Msg: 130
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/13/2011 9:58:58 AM

Perhaps because you've never thought very deeply about what motivates you or other people to do what people do. Personally, I think it's obvious, but if it isn't, then you're easily manipulated by people who can push your buttons


I understand exactly what you are saying. It really isnt that deep. I just happen to not agree. You believe that every act is self-serving. Those acts that appear to be self-sacrificing in fact fulfill some inner need for gratitude or admiration. I would also suppose that the life sacrificing acts they have been documented satisify religious or spiritual requirements.

I just believe that some people will never understand self-sacrifice, doing for others for no other reason than to help or an act of kindness for kindness sake just as a person that is born blind can never understand what it is to see.
 kayla1963
Joined: 4/1/2011
Msg: 131
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/13/2011 10:23:02 AM

There have been posts in the past where the roles were reversed and it's a man who is prying into the sex life of an ex (or in this case, still married) and doesn't believe the ex's answers to questioning. The responses are not as kind as in this case. People's immediate response is: "Call the cops. Get a restraining order. The guy is a psycho nut job. He is dangerous and is a threat", etc. But if it is a woman doing it, most people think she's just being too nosy. Talk about double standard.


First of all, that is some serious arm waving. I would like to see the male equivalent thread. Feel free to post a link.
In this case:
1) She is in "his" house by invitation
2) they are not divorced. They are separated. It may be her house, too.
3) She was apparently looking through her old dresser and her old clothes when she found a dress-up costume that was not her size.

I think you are really reaching for the "double standard" card in this case. Sorry. Doesn't fly.



^^^^ WTF was in that drawer? That's what I wanna know.




MSG 116: Oh and for the really curious on what was in the dresser drawers.. it was my old dresser (now his) that had some of my old clothes in it and I was going to bag it up for the local charity shop... I found it had moved down a few drawers and had been replaced with something I didn't remember buying. Then I realized I was never that size


The OP found women's clothing that were not her size.
 ChillinChill
Joined: 10/2/2010
Msg: 132
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/13/2011 10:55:50 AM
"""The OP found women's clothing that were not her size. """

Oooops... FFS. Were they HIS SIZE???

Leave the poor guy alone he likes silky soft fabrics next to his cahones and his meat rod... just mind ur own beeswax Ms..... So what if he looks better in pink!!!

 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 133
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/13/2011 11:01:37 AM

I would also suppose that the life sacrificing acts they have been documented satisify religious or spiritual requirements.

Of course. You never see an athiest martyr him/herself to make a point.

I just believe that some people will never understand self-sacrifice, doing for others for no other reason than to help or an act of kindness for kindness sake just as a person that is born blind can never understand what it is to see.

Too bad we can't test that theory. Oh wait. We can. The OP is a pretty obvious example of what I just described.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 134
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/13/2011 11:21:22 AM

I really don't care who he is seeing.

Then why did you post this thread???

do wonder if I am the only one that thinks it odd that someone would not want information about another they care about, just because they don't like the source it is coming from (simply because they are an ex)?

Actually this is VERY telling-about YOU! Sounds to me like your ex is using you and your inability to let go, as some kind of a shield. I really begin to wonder-I think you two are still married and and that this ultra-prolonged divorce is some kind of "unfinished business" head game on BOTH your parts.

I will stack up my unhealthy manner against your not so healthy "healthy" mannerisms any day. I know what is in my heart .. and that is to care for the people in my life the best way I know how. If that makes me unhealthy then so be it. Perhaps if people had more empathy, kindness and caring the world would not be so ugly?

Why do you see the world as ugly? I don't.
It sounds to me like what we are gonna hear now is the rationalizations, justifications, defenses-for your being extremely all up in your exs' business.

gawd what a drama queen you are.

when Pingshooter has this kind of reaction, that's pretty clear evidence that the gist of what other posters are saying is NOT wrong!

what I wanted was to know how to handle a situation that I really did not want to deal with in addition to what I am already doing.
From what I can see, notification of your exs' current squeeze was not something that you had any real need to handle or deal with. Unless you were with your ex from the exact moment that he broke his collarbone, to KNOW what his actions were, I bet she was one of the first people he contacted-ever stop to think that he could have asked somebody else to contact her on his behalf? My guess would be that perhaps your exs' current squeeze has a life and could not just drop everything to come help him-and he had enough respect for HER to not put her on the spot.

there is a definite end in sight and it was agreed we should hold out a bit more for financial reasons

WTF??? Wait, no-I think I'm beginning to get some insight here, what that insight is would be off topic so I won't go into it. Lets' just say it DOES have to do with financial matters, and THAT is why your current fiance is going along with this extremely protracted divorce.

My family/spouse has always done that for me ie call family / friends.

I suspect that some other person connected to your ex did contact his current gf. You say he has family and friends in the area, right? You may not have been the first choice for a source of help, just the one that would be the most readily available.

Sounds to me that you haven't learned to develop boundaries or totally let go yet. It was such a burning issue for you that you had to write about it. You say you have no problem if he has a female friend/lover/whatever - how magnanimous of you. For whatever reason, his female friend couldn't attend to him, or she would be doing it instead of you.

precisely.

Everything people do is self serving. Altruism is only what appears to be self-sacrifice at the most superficial level. At a deeper level, it fills some psychological need. Even martyrs martyr themselves for self-serving reasons.


Why does it not surprise me that you feel this way.

doesn't surprise me, either.
Obviously in the situation under discussion, there is some degree of self serving going on.

I don't understand wanting to stay married for financial reasons while being engaged to someone else. What possibly could be such a great selling point for this scenario that the new guy is all on board? Sounds fishy to me... and there may be much more to this arrangement than has been disclosed.

yup.

I understand exactly what you are saying. It really isnt that deep. I just happen to not agree. You believe that every act is self-serving. Those acts that appear to be self-sacrificing in fact fulfill some inner need for gratitude or admiration. I would also suppose that the life sacrificing acts they have been documented satisify religious or spiritual requirements.

I just believe that some people will never understand self-sacrifice, doing for others for no other reason than to help or an act of kindness for kindness sake just as a person that is born blind can never understand what it is to see.

Indeed. Some persons are just so much all about themselves that the concept of selfless behavior is simply incomprehensible.

And yes, this situation is quite different from stalking. This situation is allegedly a mutually agreeable one to both people-at least fundamentally. In fact I wonder if the injured party isn't engaging in a little game of "play both ends against the middle"?
Isn't human nature and human behavior amazing sometimes?
Cindy O
 lilcontrary
Joined: 3/16/2010
Msg: 135
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/13/2011 1:10:10 PM
ChillinChill...

Oooops... FFS. Were they HIS SIZE???


Hate to disappoint but not in his size....those would be in my trunk in the spare bedroom.. Those are going this week too.. but maybe I should check if he still wants them before I pitch them??? Ya know just to make you guys happy?

BTW.. I shared the thread with him and he is getting a chuckle out of all of this and is singing.. I feel pretty.. oh so pretty....

Gotta love sense of humor.

... and speaking of a sense of humor...
Browneyesboo..

We can't say this often enough on these forums.
I think you need professional help.

He agrees but not for the same reasons.

He has made a few observations about the thread though.. one being that no one ever really asked any questions except for Outmind however, most were willing to jump on the lynching wagon. He was quite impressed with the way the whole thing took up epic proportions with each post.

Kayla.. he did have a few "special" comments and questions about you... I started to quote him but nah.. it wasn't very nice... but yup I found it funny. I do agree with him on your need for anger management sessions though since I showed him a number of your other thread posts and most if not all were equally vitrolic.

I think he plans to add a few lines to the thread when he feels a little better. We will see if he gets around to it and maybe you all can skewer him to.. you know.. just because you can.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 136
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/13/2011 1:39:53 PM
There weren't any real questions to ask.
Not sure why you think there is.
You said he was your ex husband, you are in the process
of a 5 year divorce, you are engaged to another man.
Your husband called and said he needed help, so you swooped
down to help him.
In the process of putting away his laundry, you went into YOUR dresser
which still has clothes in it after 5 years, and found something that suggested
to you he has a girlfriend/lover.
You asked him about it and he chose not to give you any information.
Now you have a thread with all sorts of comments, but bottom line you're
wondering why he's not comfortable sharing his personal life with you when
yours is obviously an open book.

Doesn't matter the whys or what ifs.

You have clearly stepped over a boundary that by anyone's standards would
be a personal one. When someone chooses NOT to share personal information
and you insist there must be some sort of underlying reason why not (and not
simply because its none of your business) you are no longer a caring friend looking
out for the best interests of someone you care about, you have now lumbered
into a snoopy, busy body, gossipy person no one really ever likes to have in
their life.

So now you're dragging your new significant other into the fray and he's offering
his opinions on the matter. Clearly he doesn't see the writing on the wall.

So yeah...I say again.
You need professional help to see why you are holding onto something that
isn't yours anymore, and why you're inviting someone else into your mess, and
why he finds it amusing that you see nothing wrong with all this.

So what if we're all wrong and "skewering" you. At the end of the day, you're
married, in the process of a divorce, rummaging through your husbands drawers
and gossiping with strangers and your new significant other about your husband's
business.

If you were a friend of mine and we were talking, I'd be seriously worried about you.

and that's no joke.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 137
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/13/2011 1:51:01 PM
Look at all this communicating going on suddenly, and so incredibly soon after him not even being in a position to talk on the phone to anyone to tell them personally how things went. It's a miracle!!! Sorry lady, but you skewered yourself without anyone having to ask any further questions of you. Your continued input gave plenty of insight. You're definitely a person who asks questions of people and doesn't like the responses unless they are in line with your thinking. You didn't like his answer and pushed. You didn't like forumite's responses that you are nosey and became testy. It's an understandable defence mechanism for some people. It's not a case of responders jumping on a bashing bandwagon so much as it's a concensus of the overwhelming majority that you're a pushy snoop, albeit with underlying good intentions thrown in the mix.
 ChillinChill
Joined: 10/2/2010
Msg: 138
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/13/2011 2:26:57 PM
"""Kayla.. he did have a few "special" comments and questions about you... """

Well who gives a ratz asssss what the moochin old fart thinks of any one of us. Give it a rest. Who is supposed to CARE?????

You got enough answers to your question. The consensus is "mind your own business."

A snoop and a mooch. OMG.
 Janet_Always
Joined: 12/7/2010
Msg: 139
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/13/2011 2:32:52 PM

I think he plans to add a few lines to the thread when he feels a little better.

That's fabulous! Let's get his new girlfriend and your fiance to chime in as well!

I just love a Jerry Springer moment :)
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 140
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/13/2011 2:36:07 PM
Jaysus tap dancing kerist.
I thought she shared this thread with her current significant
other. She showed the husband?
And he's laughing and singing and making comments about
posters.

Yeah...give it a rest. He obviously doesn't care, we don't care,
no one cares.

A snoop and a mooch...ahahahahahahahaha!


That's fabulous! Let's get his new girlfriend and your fiance to chime in as well!

I just love a Jerry Springer moment :)



ahahahahahahahahaha!
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 141
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/13/2011 2:39:04 PM
OP from late last night:

the clavicle IS the collar bone. I'm not sure how you react to anesthesia but quite frankly I do not do well with it and can not phone anyone and be coherent for a day afterwards. My family/spouse has always done that for me ie call family / friends. From the looks of the ex tonight.. I don't see him being able to manage it until tomorrow either. Oh and I broke my clavicle on both sides as a child.. it didn't slow me down either but then again, I didn't shatter the bone and require surgery either


Late last night the po ex couldn't even talk on the phone...sob...and now he's up and walking to the computer and reading...thru anesthesia goggles...

Gee...when I broke my clavical it was my shoulder blade...but hey if you say it's your collar bone...well...that jives with the rest of your tale...

Here's a thought...while you're using the ex's computer...just happen to look up his history, internet files, hack his email account...copy his hard drive onto a thumb-drive and have it analysed by a pro....and you may find proof of dating.
 DoubleParked
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 142
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/13/2011 2:44:42 PM

Well who gives a ratz asssss what the moochin old fart thinks of any one of us. Give it a rest. Who is supposed to CARE?????


Laugh Out Loud Funny! Good one, Chillinchill
 UglyFroggieCritter
Joined: 8/21/2010
Msg: 143
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/13/2011 3:00:12 PM
FYI: collar bone is the clavicle and the shoulder blade is the scapula.

Seems to me I need to read more of this thread. I'll be back.

Okay, so I cleared up the clavicle/scalpula issue, now to address the OP:

You have stuff in your two of your exes' drawers. I'd suggest getting that shit cleared out ASAP. They are no longer your "drawers" since you haven't been with them for five and the other for twenty years. Procrastinate much?

So his surgery is over and done with and lo and behold there is someone else to call. I'm sure she was rightly shocked that her beau asked his "ex" of five years to help out when obvioulsy she never heard hide nor hair of it.

I suggest you get you ass back to Canada, finish the divorce, and wish your exes the best.

Oh, and since the drawers haven't been yours for five to twenty years, ain't none of your business what they now contain.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 144
view profile
History
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/13/2011 3:41:40 PM
OP, this is what is called a troll post. First you give odd information about an even odder situation, then you defend yourself against comments that you set up to be given then you add little jabs at people while you and the ex you are living with while he heals from an uncomplicated injury, laugh and make fun of posters and yet you normally live with a someone you are engaged to, while still married to the ex you are staying with now....and you call it compassion and call out the people who are correctly seeing BS. Troll post. You would think a grown woman with two men to handle would not have so much time on her hands to come to a forum just to stir up crap for attention.

While you are both reading and laughing, why not make an appointment with a professional and work on yourselves. That is if any of this BS is really going on. Those who live deeply ingrained in denial are also quite self-deluded and defensive and protect themselves by attacking those they seek help from.

When I first read your original post, I thought you actually had a legitimate question, but now after reading your replies and attacks, it's quite obvious that you are just troll posting.
 NewToTN9
Joined: 11/12/2010
Msg: 145
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/13/2011 4:16:58 PM

So my question is ... do I pretend he is not seeing someone / some people or pretend he is celibate? Not sure how to handle things here despite the fact I am 50 yrs old. It is obvious to me there is someone at the minimum..So.. any suggestions?

Yes. Don't get MARRIED to your rebound guy! You are not over your EX as evidenced by your thread!
 lilcontrary
Joined: 3/16/2010
Msg: 146
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/13/2011 7:23:28 PM
daynadaze

When I first read your original post, I thought you actually had a legitimate question, but now after reading your replies and attacks, it's quite obvious that you are just troll posting.

First off.. you were right in your assumption that is was a legit question. 99% of what I have said is true.. It was just slanted...What people do not get is that sometimes you can ask a question sincerely and wonder if the person needs a bit of a nudge.. as happened in this case. When I saw it was going to be the usual POF Cluster Fawk and I was not going to get an answer ... just condemnation... oh hell ya.. I had fun with it. Call it a troll post if you wish.

The people here are waaay to fast to cast the first stone. In the same vein.. if they align with the question they give very good advice..Shame on those who didn't but, bless your heart daynadaze (and a few others) for not agreeing to crawl up on the sin wagon of hang her high. I really did ask him with respect, which no one asked for my exact verbal conversation with him.. which was limited. I even indicated his ball team, his bar buds et al.
He is one that has a very shy personality and he was terribly embarrassed that things were changed in my dresser... much more then I was confused when I was trying to figure out when I bought it... btw..(a true duh moment on my part lol) I liked the clothes that were in there and did'nt remember them.. just not my size so I cant even borrow them. lol (oh for Christ sake those that are arm chair analyzing this just take it as a joke).
Seriously.. do the people that have commented with venomous diatribe here really think that they really get it all? There are several people here that when my ex read what was printed had to question why I even stayed here to read.. My answer was that while not all of us agree.. a lot of us have some very good insights.. Kayla.. you are not one of them and you were a great source of speculation/mirth for my ex. In your next life you may not want to be the perfect... um er so on .. Tone it down.. it is ugly how you respond to people and not just me.. by the way.. JCO.. your answers do qualify as troll replies.. if it does not fit your perspective you act as a chit disturber and throw red herrings into the mix. Your replies did nothing but inflame the masses.. Good luck in your new career in politics. lmao

So.. all in all most of the people here behaved hideously.. and a few.. while not in agreement ... bravo. I am so glad you gave a heartfelt opinion.

I could go on and rant about how the forums here are being shoved down the drain because of threads like this but it would fall on the deaf ears out there in POF cyberland.

I just know I asked a sincere question because someone I have known hedged for no apparent reason.. in real life he came forward and corrected what was wrong and told me why (which some skipped in the text and responded in stupidity) it had happened. I did mention this in my posts. Too bad a few responded with out reading everything. I really hope that some see what issues I have with the response trolls here and maybe can give a rational response to the question which is moot at this point as it has already been set straight by the ex who really finds the comments here hilarious.
 Friendly widow
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 147
view profile
History
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/13/2011 7:33:04 PM
You deserve to be banned from the forums!!!
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 148
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/13/2011 7:43:33 PM

He is one that has a very shy personality and he was terribly embarrassed that things were changed in my dresser...


Why didn't "your dresser" come with you to your new location, 7 hours away, where you are living with another man? In *5 years* you haven't taken "your" dresser? You haven't even removed your clothes from it and taken them with you?

... that sounds a lot like someone who is "hanging on" to something.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 149
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/13/2011 8:06:54 PM

He is one that has a very shy personality and he was terribly embarrassed that things were changed in my dresser...

Incredible! It's going back to being your dresser again after having said it is his now; this after 5 years of separation and being engaged to someone else. By most people's standards it would be considered strange that, first, your clothing is even still in there with his and hasn't been boxed and either set aside or sent to you to do with as you please and, second, that he would be embarrassed that things were changed in what is his dresser which you have resorted to calling yours again. Sorry, but I can see where you would believe your initial question is innocent and normal because the bizarre appears to be your normal.

As for stating you've been having fun with the post because people didn't agree with your position and the fact you don't like being called nosey, it only serves to come across yet again as another attempt at manipulation to justify your responses. From beginning to end, you're very transparent.
 lilcontrary
Joined: 3/16/2010
Msg: 150
The Ex....Obviously has a lover...
Posted: 5/13/2011 8:09:09 PM
forums1


<div class="quote">
Why didn't "your dresser" come with you to your new location, 7 hours away, where you are living with another man? In *5 years* you haven't taken "your" dresser? You haven't even removed your clothes from it and taken them with you?

... that sounds a lot like someone who is "hanging on" to something.

Very simple answer. My new home in another country has been under a total gut and restoration I have done all of this with out any contractors much to my humor in this thread that said I should get a hobby. In the mean time my mom began to have problems with her health and most of my time was focused on her and her issues with a con man ie legal issues. Sometimes our lives are not our own. My ex was gracious enough to let me leave things there while I finished my home and cared for my mom since dry wall dust is very damaging to things.
M
Edit to reflect
Chameleon..
I agree that my clothes that I do not need any longer are probably in his way.. The bedroom outfit will eventually come with me to my new home but in the mean time.. yes they are free to be used by him (my ex) while I am in the States. I never asked to be in situation over my ex's relationship outside of our marriage for a year after I found out (actually more but we have moved past that) and then to have cancer, then a subsequent cancer scare after the fact. While things were stressed between us we came up with an understanding and eventually a forgiveness and again a friendship. Things were not always rosie but we always managed to give each other support through out the hurts. Legally in Canada as I said before, you need to have a legal agreement that shows you have lived apart for a year before you can file for a divorce. From what I understand it is different from what we do in the states. With all the life changing issues that have happened... time slipped away and then certain financial things came up that we decided along with my husband in waiting that it is beneficial to wait up to a year. Fortunately my fiance' does not put his heart before his brain especially when he has what he wants already... me. He was/is the voice of reason for what would have cost me thousand of dollars if I had pushed issues. We are impatient for things to end but they will happen by years end and yes we can celebrate what is worth waiting for.
M
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