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 DiveBomber
Joined: 9/17/2010
Msg: 25
looking for answersPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)
Zeppelinette...Im not going to chastize you for wanting someone else....it is natural human behavior to want to be with someone. I sense that you feel overwhealmed by your motherly responsibilities, and that may be true, but just be very slow and cautious about who you meet.

There IS someone perfect for you out there!!

You will probably encounter lots of men who are perverts, low-lifes, sicko's, and scumbags....but yet you will meet the right one eventually....one who will accept you the way you are, and who will love and respect you....not all men are bad...just most of them!!

But NEVER neglect your children for anyone.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 26
view profile
History
looking for answers
Posted: 6/20/2011 10:19:37 PM
You were a teenager and now he's dating another teenager, was the one before you a teenager? Do you see a pattern? You think maybe he can't relate to anyone who isn't too young for him? And why did you keep getting pregnant? Yes, he's an azz, but you picked him and stayed with him and why did you keep having children with him? It boggles the mind. Now you keep saying you are going to use birth control, how can you not have before? When you are telling your 3 year old that her daddy doesn't plan on being a father, could you also wonder why you kept having children in a bad relationship with a crappy boyfriend? I know I'm being harsh but we pick who fathers our children and we hold the responsibility for that choice. Stop blaming him for everything, you kept right in there, having baby after baby with an immature, cheating, jerk....why???

And you love him? Are you kidding? He's a jerk, he's mean, he treats you and your kids like disposable nothings, just what in the heck do you love about him? I do think you need good counseling, and you have to work hard to make therapy work. The first thing you need to do is stop with the pretending to love someone who is worthless, and stop thinking him being around would solve anything. You are just going to rinse & repeat with some other guy, then another, with the same lousy qualities as this guy, unless you get your head on straight and stop acting like this is all about him leaving. It's about both of you and the whole bad relationship.

Your children deserve better.
 FlyyinSolo87
Joined: 6/15/2011
Msg: 27
looking for answers
Posted: 6/21/2011 9:08:36 AM
Ummm, why is everyone saying how immature she is for even thinking about wanting to stay with the man who fathered her children? Forty years ago, a woman was considered immature if she didn't marry the man when she got pregnant, and then was considered even more immature if she tried to divorce, as apposed to work through it, when he turned out to be an abusive, immature, jerk. In all honesty, you cannot expect centuries of female conditioning to be washed out in a few decades. Now unless she was lucky like me, and had a neurotic feminist biotch for a mom(don't get me wrong, for that reason my mother is my idol), she may have very well been one of those who saw her parents stick it out even through terrible times. What is so wrong for her wanting to do that? Is it simply because she didn't marry him? It's not any easier to leave someone you're not married to, especially when you have children and years of history together. Of course, you could also chalk it up to pride. I mean, who wants to admit they made a mistake five years and 3 kids later? Hell, I didn't want to admit that 4 months and one trimester later.

Final thought, I blame that darn sexual revolution for the current state of things.
 zeppelinette
Joined: 5/18/2009
Msg: 28
looking for answers
Posted: 6/21/2011 1:35:48 PM
@ Walts: like I said, I have not gone on any dates nor do I have the time for that either.. supervised visitation between my children and their father is scheduled now for mondays between 2:30 and 5:30 so if I could find a time slot to talk to a counselor then that would work out for sure.
 zeppelinette
Joined: 5/18/2009
Msg: 29
looking for answers
Posted: 6/21/2011 1:38:32 PM
@ DiveBomber: eventually I would like to find someone else.. selfishly I think if someone comes along now they will help me forget about my ex. I really don't know.. currently I am still in love with him and can't see myself with anyone else, although I'd really like to get over this because it's very hard to miss someone and think of them almost all day every day and know they have already moved on and forgotten about you and your children. don't worry I'd never neglect my children :)
 zeppelinette
Joined: 5/18/2009
Msg: 30
looking for answers
Posted: 6/21/2011 1:44:15 PM
@ daynadaze: when we met I was 18 and he was 22. when he met his ex before me he was 18 and she was 16. now he's 27 and dating a 19 year old. I think he needs to find younger women because he is very immature and a woman his age would never ever stay with him. and actually, I was not on birth control at all when we got pregnant with our first child, I was stupid and thought oh that's not going to happen to me.. with our second, it was actually planned because we didn't want our daughter to be an only child. with the third, I was actually on birth control but forgot to take the pill a couple times and that's why I got pregnant (I'm pretty sure we conceived on new year's eve...) I'm not blaming him for everything... I know I could have acted differently, not complained as much, been more sensitive to his needs... I guess we need to go through these things in life to learn for the next time around :(
also, he never cheated on me.. at least I don't believe he did, it wouldn't make any sense for him to be complaining about lack of sex if he was getting it somewhere else. he did leave me to go sleep with other people though which is what is happening right now.
I do love him.. don't know why.. wish I didn't.. there were bad times but there were also good, maybe I'm in love with who I thought he was I don't really know I'm very confused, this was my first long term relationship and there are children involved, I didn't want them to grow up without a father like I did but I can't control anyone but myself and yes I do need some kind of therapy because obviously feeling this way isn't totally normal...
 zeppelinette
Joined: 5/18/2009
Msg: 31
looking for answers
Posted: 6/21/2011 1:48:13 PM
@ FlyyinSolo87: I really really really wanted things to work out between us so badly because I grew up without my father and never wanted that for my kids. my mom has 4 kids by 4 different men and I never wanted that either, I wanted to find a guy I loved and stay with him forever no matter what. realistically though we should have gone to therapy together when things got rough and tried to save the relationship. he also needs therapy on his own for a lot of issues in his past, which I also should have pushed for. I'd like to say I don't have any regrets but I have very many, but none of which include having my children they are the best things to ever happen to me
 FlyyinSolo87
Joined: 6/15/2011
Msg: 32
looking for answers
Posted: 6/21/2011 2:36:42 PM
Zeppelinette: You could always wish for it, but that's doesn't mean it will happen. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be with the father of your children. Sometimes, it may be best when they leave. Even if he had gone to counseling for you, there is no guarantee it would have worked. I also think that if people tell you they don't have any regrets, they're in some serious denial. There will always be something you will regret. It just shows you are human. The human condition, no matter how sad and pathetic it is(sorry my mom speaking), is what humans live best in. We need our hearts broken so we know how to heal, we need people to hurt us and lie to us so we don't do it to others. We need pain and heart ache so that we can appreciate what is truly beautiful in our lives.
 zeppelinette
Joined: 5/18/2009
Msg: 33
looking for answers
Posted: 6/21/2011 6:01:20 PM
@ FlyyinSolo87: very true... thanks for all of the advice. I found out today from a mutual friend that he is doing ecstacy now and partying all the time... that has helped me a LOT on top of everything else, he has money to party but nothing to send for his kids? hope he has fun until everything goes through court...
 DiveBomber
Joined: 9/17/2010
Msg: 34
looking for answers
Posted: 6/21/2011 8:02:12 PM
If he's doing drugs, he must be kept away from the kids, period!!
 zeppelinette
Joined: 5/18/2009
Msg: 35
looking for answers
Posted: 6/21/2011 8:14:46 PM
@ DiveBomber: I agree 100%... hopefully the court will order him to take a drug test otherwise I can't prove it..
 FlyyinSolo87
Joined: 6/15/2011
Msg: 36
looking for answers
Posted: 6/21/2011 8:17:01 PM
Agreeing with divebomber. If I ever found out that my son's father was doing drugs, I would never let him around the kid. I wouldn't even expect him to pay child support. I would make sure that he had absolutely nothing to do with the kid until he was sober. Understand if he wanted to be a father, he would be there. He obviously needs to hit rock bottom before he can get his life straight. You can push that along a little bit by taking some proactive steps to ensure he's not in the kids life in his current condition. It's sounds harsh, but it needs to be done. Wash your hands of him honey.
 bbinpa1220
Joined: 6/11/2011
Msg: 37
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History
looking for answers
Posted: 8/9/2011 12:19:48 PM
"He is doing ecstasty and partying all the time."

Yet you are still in love with him? You have 2 kids and 1 on the way. Somebody has to GROW UP here. Who is there for the kids?

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start taking care of your kids. Worry about an education, getting a job, the future happiness of your children. Don't rely on your grandparents.

If you wanted to have kids by this man because you thought you would be together forever, why didn't you get married first?

Actions speak volumes.
 FlyyinSolo87
Joined: 6/15/2011
Msg: 38
looking for answers
Posted: 8/9/2011 1:24:03 PM

If you wanted to have kids by this man because you thought you would be together forever, why didn't you get married first?


Mainly because marriage means less than the paper the certificate is printed on to quite a few people. Marriage doesn't guarantee that people will be together forever. Have you checked the divorce statistics.
 moblu
Joined: 8/1/2010
Msg: 39
looking for answers
Posted: 8/14/2011 4:12:07 AM
Love your children, join a support group......work on yourself as a person, keep yourself busy with positive things and in time all the pain will fade......as for your kids there are good ways and bad ways to approach the subject before you consider saying anything talk to a relationship expert trust me it helps......And what ever you do don't let the kids see you arguing with the other parent, don't bad mouth them etc.....Love your children and in time love will find you...............
 unclezeus
Joined: 5/12/2011
Msg: 40
looking for answers
Posted: 8/15/2011 5:06:07 PM

1. what can I do to help myself get over this?
....Seek therapy. Too bad you couldn't take a more proactive approach in getting over the idea of mating with him in the first place.


I'm very depressed and think about him constantly and am very upset that he's already moved on.
....oh well.


2. is it normal for someone to move onto new relationships so quickly? especially after a longterm relationship involving children.
...Yes, normal for some.


3. how can I help our 3 year old daughter understand that her dad doesn't want to be with us anymore?
.....Tell her mommy was stupid and too young, and picked the wrong father.


she asks for him every single day and it breaks my heart...
.....Get use to it. Some mistakes are with you for life. Lets see what your daughter does in 18 years.
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