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Joined: 6/10/2011
Msg: 64
Why do we sabotage relationships....Page 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
And anyway, how do you know how "normal" your friends are... just because they are telling you so? Many people who claim to be normal and say they haven`t been affected by their past are among the most effed up people I know. If you are around someone enough, and stand back and watch as an objective observer, you can see how these so-called "normal" people are running their lives into the ditch.. with no ability to connect the dots...

running their lives into the ditch.. good god, I sound like Dr. Phil.
Joined: 2/8/2011
Msg: 65
Why do we sabotage relationships....
Posted: 8/20/2011 11:25:58 PM
Your amazing that you reconized what you've got to change. I was the same way with my relatioships to tell you the truth. As soon as someone I believe is the right guy for me comes along well I pushed him away because I figured its a bit too good to be true. What I ended always was harsh but hey thats how I felt at the time. Although I learned why I did just that it was a defense mechanism thats tiggered to protect me from any hurt that might come after the starting to get to know stage. But I realized why I do just that and figured hey why not change because its really not doing me any good. Loss me alot of good relationships but gain me a few good friends who helped me realize my problem and helped me correct it. Life goes on honey if he didn't try to hold onto you then hey it was not worth you pining over. Just take some advice from everyone who posted on your thread and make a change :) ! It'll be hard but you can do it!!!
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 66
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Why do we sabotage relationships....
Posted: 8/20/2011 11:48:52 PM
this is a complex issue and i sure don't have any great insights but

when she said I want to be vulnerable, i don't think that was a victim statement

my instant take on it was that she wants to break down the walls she has built for protection and no longer be afraid and trust enough to allow vulnerability.

for what it's worth

Joined: 8/19/2011
Msg: 67
Why do we sabotage relationships....
Posted: 8/26/2011 10:40:27 PM
I used to think Jim Morrison was a conceited jerk, until I read the two following quotes as I was experiencing a situation where a woman who'd been really, really into me suddenly turned on a dime and started sabotaging

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain."

“Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.”

Everyone thinks love will be like something out of a movie where the rain will stop, the clouds will part, the sun will shine, and you'll skip through the meadow together.

The reality is that when two people really become emotionally close, you end up having to look at and feel things in yourself that you may not have remembered or even realized, and that you don't even like about yourself. It can be wrenching. The good news- just 'cause you're going through that wrenching experience, it does not necessarily need to represent "the ending that will happen" unless you let it turn into that. Look straight at the fear, and look right on through it and out the other side- not denying the size and severity of the fear, but believing that there _is_ indeed "another side beyond" that will be better even though you don't know exactly what that other side will look like. View the experience of the fear as the chance to finally face it- the more fully you experience the fear, without running from the fear, or letting the fear rule your emotions and actions, the more you defeat the fear. Only by facing it and actually grabbing it and walking in it and with it can you take away its power over you. You'll suddenly find that you've stared it down like a playground bully that cuts and runs as soon as he/ she realizes you aren't scared of them anymore. Whether that lets you make the particular relationship escape the sabotage pattern or not, you'll start to find yourself able to go places you may not even have envisioned possible before. Best wishes.
Joined: 8/19/2011
Msg: 68
Why do we sabotage relationships....
Posted: 8/26/2011 10:43:50 PM
And by the way, even though I tuned into the Morrison quotes and the incredible insight behind them when someone was sabotaging and running, I had the (priceless) opportunity to face, more fully and deeply than ever before, my own fears of abandonment and unworthiness- though they tick in different ways- which have now lost their power over me.
Joined: 2/2/2007
Msg: 69
Why do we sabotage relationships....
Posted: 8/26/2011 10:55:48 PM
I don't know how to fix your problem but I will say this: THANK YOU so much for realizing that is a problem that you have and not blaming it on men. There are so many other girls that have a problem like this, or very similar to it, and instead of asking themselves why they just continually blame it on the idea that there are "no good men left". It takes a really smart woman to be able to identify this, and you seem to be brilliant.

Good luck!
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 70
Why do we sabotage relationships....
Posted: 8/27/2011 11:32:32 AM
Were you adopted? Abandonment issues are very common with adoptees. People can also have issues for a number of reasons, because of divorce, death, or a chaotic dysfunctional family life. I've also sabotaged relationships, & pushed a few good ones away, putting up a wall. I think the first step is you're aware of it. Maybe you can catch yourself starting to go there, you can take a step back, realize that, and slowly things will start to change, It's a complex issue & I dont know what the answer is.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 71
Why do we sabotage relationships....
Posted: 8/27/2011 12:23:26 PM
I used to think I had a fear of abandonment - I guess I did when I was younger, but now it's more that I know I can't count on anyone 100% to be there for me when I need them (and realistically it's not their job to either), so I'd rather not put myself in a place where that's the case. If I'm capable of depending on myself for most things, why then start to depend on someone else which, to me is less of a sure thing?

Sometimes in life someone comes along and does things for you and wants to take care of's an easy trap to fall into to start liking and getting used to that. I don't see much good coming from that, for either person.

I have to be in a relationship where if it ends it doesn't upturn my life, so a person has to be able to walk away from me at any time without it phasing me or it can't continue (or I see it as unhealthy). No good comes from serious emotional dependency, at least as far as I'm concerned.

I enjoy people, I learn about them, I interact, and may even bond with and come to love them - but dependency is just a whole other thing.
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 72
Why do we sabotage relationships....
Posted: 8/27/2011 2:51:56 PM
Awareness that you are pushing away from a relationship due to inner emotional issues shows that you know you need to work out those issues lest the cycle keeps repeating. To be aware of your issues is the first step in resolving them.

However never discount instinct. I have found that whenever I instinctively push someone away it is a wise move. I don't always know completely why I want out at the time, but eventually it becomes clear. Sometimes we are smarter than we think!
Joined: 7/9/2011
Msg: 73
Why do we sabotage relationships....
Posted: 8/27/2011 4:08:22 PM
See a Behavioral counselor.
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