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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?      Home login  
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 Weevos
Joined: 5/12/2010
Msg: 76
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?Page 4 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
As a single father of three children who live with me, I can definately empathize with the original poster, but several of you have given great advice. Just going to throw a few more things out there:

First, a single father has the right and responsibility to his child(ren) to define what he is seeking in a mate as a potential step-parent, as well as defining what he himself wants in the future. Have you done this? Define whether a single mother is right for you... many parents are set in their ways regarding discipline, rules, even whether their kids are allowed candy. Two singles without kids get to gradually decide this together as their relationship matures, but single parents are like old dogs... new tricks don't come easy and differences in child-rearing techniques can cause friction. It can be difficult, so make certain that you are open-minded, or feel free to seek out women without kids.

If you do decide to seek out a woman without children, the first question you must answer honestly to yourself is whether you are willing to have MORE kids, because often they want kids of their own as well. The best policy here is honesty with yourself and with her. It can be more difficult to find a childless woman who is willing and able to take on the responsibility of parenthood while not starting from scratch, but if you do find one, just assure her that her involvement with your child can progress at a rate that makes her comfortable. All too often, a single parent push a potential mate away by placing too much emphasis on their role in the child's life too early in the relationship. They don't mean to do it, they just want to know that a potential mate will not only be a good fit for them, but also a good role model in their child's life.

I guess my main point is to be completely honest with yourself before attempting to be honest with others. YOU need to know where you are before others do, and this knowledge will not only make your search easier, but will also exude confidence to those you are attempting to woo. A single father can be a risk for a woman, but a single father who is confident in his manhood as well as his fatherhood is a fine catch.
 mikeoglesbee
Joined: 12/4/2010
Msg: 77
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being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 11/7/2011 5:24:26 PM
mommies lil sociapaths were raised that way.
That was rude but true
 mikeoglesbee
Joined: 12/4/2010
Msg: 78
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being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 11/7/2011 5:25:14 PM
LOL I even spelled it wrong!
I am, an idiot
 angel0056
Joined: 10/5/2011
Msg: 79
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being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 11/8/2011 3:29:39 PM
don't feel so bad i know i am going thru the same thing. i have a 14 yr old son and his father passed away six yrs ago, so my son doesn't know what it is like to have a father figure in his life. i am not out there looking for someone for him lol, i am looking for someone who can accept both my son and myself. the best i can say to you is to do what i am doing, hanging in there. good luck
 ForumFlashLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 80
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 11/9/2011 5:58:41 PM
Because you are not looking for ordinary qualities. That's why it's hard.

You are no longer strictly thinking about playtime sex.

If you were, you could find that anytime. It's a great big ol' promiscuous world out there. Just show up without your child.

Finding someone with a big heart and the flexibility to stop and tie your child's shoes and the loving fondness to pitch in and help them color in their Transformers coloring book is a big job because the person who will do it is SPECIAL.

Finding someone with the same heart and flexibility to help your teenager navigate the world of pimples and heartbreak is a big job for the same reason: such a person is SPECIAL.

So when you do FIND them, try to remember they are the truly rare diamond, not like those stupid rocks lying around everywhere in Africa.

You could also start raising your child to respect other adults and NOT to move over into the space where a partner should be, like being bossy and taking over as your best friend.

It's more than once I've sent mine to their room for interrupting grownups in my house. KIDS are KIDS, and they are NOT our romantic partners in life. My kid is NOT allowed to act like a little adult when it's just us, nor when there is company. My kid is required to obey all adults in whose charge I leave them....and the kid gets warned. Teachers, aunts, grandmother, sitter, girlfriends...all-inclusive.

I've seen single parents who just have noooooooooo boundaries for the kids....nooooooooooo separation........noooooooooo space for a partner in their life.

When the only thing you DON"T do with your kid is have sex, there is a lot going wrong, wrong WRONG.

So you need to demonstrate healthy parenting, read a lot of books about it and chuck the ones that don't fit but find one that works and KEEP it...then you could let a serious partner later on read it and discuss....

Seriously sit down and spend time thinking about who you are as a MAN and what you are like as a PARTNER and put that in your profile. Think about how you like to live and get along. Advertise that.

As much as we love our kids, they are just a disclaimer in our profiles. As in, we have them, and we're letting it be known so others can make their independent decisions about taking a chance on us.

Plus, plenty of single parents out there have done dating so badly, so poorly, and so stupidly, that they built a negative reputation in front of the rest of us.

So the rest of us have to de-mystify and dig the truth out of the ditch and prove that it's not horrible to date us. You pretty much need to make the case in your profile that you can have fun, you are available, you can and you will make time for a special person, and that you've still got poprocks in your blood and you're not dead yet!

Good luck!
 Aries_328
Joined: 10/16/2011
Msg: 81
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being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 11/10/2011 7:30:09 AM

It's more than once I've sent mine to their room for interrupting grownups in my house. KIDS are KIDS, and they are NOT our romantic partners in life. My kid is NOT allowed to act like a little adult when it's just us, nor when there is company. My kid is required to obey all adults in whose charge I leave them....and the kid gets warned. Teachers, aunts, grandmother, sitter, girlfriends...all-inclusive.

I've seen single parents who just have noooooooooo boundaries for the kids....nooooooooooo separation........noooooooooo space for a partner in their life.




You just made me remember why a good mom is sexy to me. All of that above is years worth of good advice.
 kyla_
Joined: 10/12/2011
Msg: 82
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 11/10/2011 11:39:08 AM
I have a son and have been a single mother for quite some time. He's 11 and I've raised him without is father for 6 years now. I understand where you are coming from with what you had in your profile, but as one guy pointed out, some women may be intimdated but if they don't understand then they aren't the right one for you and your daughter.

I actually would prefer to date a single dad. He would/should understand what I am experiencing to some degree and I wold be able to do the same with him. Sometimes when a person doesn't have kids...they don't understand what it feels like to be a parent. (Motherhood is AWESOME!) And I want to know that the guy that I date could understand that.

I wouldn't automatically dismiss a guy because he isn't a parent though, it depends on how we hit it off and if I feel that he'd be a good fit in both mine and my son's life.

Sorry for the book and the fact that it's months late. I just dicovered this forum today and I like it. :)
 kyla_
Joined: 10/12/2011
Msg: 83
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 11/10/2011 11:41:58 AM
My son is 11 and he father has been in jail for 6 years. It's so not fair to my son, he has no male role model at all, no uncles or grandfathers that have stepped in and tried to "be there". all his teachers have been females except one, the saving grace is that all of his sports coaches have been males so it gives him some exposure to positive males.

I'm with you, I feel like as a mother, it's my responsibility to give him a male role model but I have not been successful. :(
 RubberSouls
Joined: 2/2/2011
Msg: 84
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 11/10/2011 11:28:07 PM
Actually many reputable studies are indicating that two disciplinary figures, especially males, in a child's life has serious developmental consequences. So that idea should not be used on children; especially quite young ones. A biological Father's or Mother's scorn feels differently to a child than a non-biological. It's like psychobiochemistry that goes out-of-whack if you do it. Look it up :)
 Draegoneer
Joined: 10/17/2011
Msg: 85
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 11/12/2011 3:29:38 PM
barefootkitten( if she is even still on this site) has the absolute right idea. It doesn't matter if there is a mom and dad in the picture. Your joining in essence, 2 families together with children on both sides. Together when the children are there, you still have the regular functions of a household, decisions and updates about household affairs, family activities and schedules. She is right in the aspect that the intellect and responsibilities are joint as they should be. Disciplinary actions would most likely have been settled between the adults well before this point. The home over all would eventually function almost entirely like it was natural from the start. Even some of the dysfunctional things.

The hardest thing may be the time it takes for the children to gently and gradually adjust as both adults would have to fully be supportive of each other and the children in all aspects. Lots of time, patience, talks, activities. People that can't grasp the kind of growth and bonding required for such all around support and loving environment including the children, are indeed most likely more shallow than they realize.

It is a true give and take and yes, the children are still at the center of it but the adults are much more mature and open than most of what I've seen so far. The possible "dream match". But so allusive to obtain.
 aaj70301
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 86
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 11/13/2011 2:17:28 AM
single mothers feel the same way, just sayin. most men dont realize children usually stay with the mother, she doesnt get away like the father can. personally, i find a single father a very sexy thing; shows stregth. whats so hard to accept someone having a child? simply, they still childish and not ready. so dont stress it and move on :)
 cvm81
Joined: 8/29/2011
Msg: 87
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 11/13/2011 8:17:15 PM
Its hard to be a single mother and date because I have to fully trust a man to have them anywhere near my kids. Also, my kids come first and many men can't handle that. I'm sure u have issues for similar reasons. If a woman loves you she would love everything about you the whole package. Why settle for less?
 cmi30
Joined: 5/25/2010
Msg: 88
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 11/14/2011 7:52:21 AM
Woot!!! I am the same way with my girl. It is not up to my child to run charge of my life and nor will she. I gave her life not the pther way around...
 dad2stay
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 89
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 11/14/2011 8:31:55 AM
Being a single parent and dating does not mean you need to introduce your new partner to the kids ANY TIME soon

Date, have fun, establish a relationship get to know him/her and after you feel things are strong and this is not a fling then you should already trust them so introducing to the kids should not be an issue
 ThickNSweetGirl
Joined: 5/13/2010
Msg: 90
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 11/15/2011 7:01:00 PM
I prefer to date a guy with kids, since i am looking for something long term, Seems men without kids to raise, are more imature and just dont get it! So there aint anything wrong with being a single dad.
 cutiecaliente
Joined: 9/27/2010
Msg: 91
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 11/23/2011 8:13:15 PM
your daughter should be your world...so i disagree with other members here...
focus on yourself and your daughter... maybe you need a cougar
 angel0056
Joined: 10/5/2011
Msg: 92
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being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 11/24/2011 3:34:06 AM
i think some of us woman have the same problem and it boils down to there insecurities and jealousies. i have found that while my ex and i were thru i had certain expectations for him and his choice of woman. i feel as a single woman of one son to be honest and up front and if a man or woman feels to intimated by a child to move right along, there are plenty of sane men and women in the same boat and the sad part of it all is that my son is only 14yr and he wants me to meet someone. but i would not put up with selfish insecurities of the opposite sex. anyway, good luck to you and all of us in the same boat, looking for companionship while having kids.... frankie
 countrygirl3232
Joined: 12/11/2009
Msg: 93
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 11/24/2011 10:59:40 AM
i am a single mother of 4.. ive been divorced/single for 4 years now.and i always put my children first.,as i expect anyone to do while dating or in a relationship.i think its hard to date as a single parent period.and finding someone who understands kids come first isnt easy..but i would cut all ties from the mother..she is just going to cause your children heartache. they need stability , not a mom who comes and goes in there life.good luck ..
 singledadpa39
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 94
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 11/25/2011 1:57:20 PM
I think dating as single parent is very difficult. Just not the same as dating when we were all younger. Harder to find people to go out with. Have to figure distance I would never want to move my children from their schools and friends nor would I want someone else to do it either. Just because someone is a parent doesn't mean they are a good one. Just really feels like that haystack has gotten much bigger that you are trying to find the neddle in. Eventually it will all work out at least I hope it does. Just have to keep fishing and hope the right fish comes along
 CptJohnSheridan
Joined: 11/23/2011
Msg: 95
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 11/30/2011 9:50:39 AM
Seriously? I get hit on a lot when I have my little one with me.
 mdna71
Joined: 5/12/2011
Msg: 96
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 11/30/2011 12:44:34 PM
Being a single parent is very hard. I am a single to 3---21, 14, and 10. To top it off my 14 year old is a special needs child. I have had no problems dating it's just the choices I made in the men I dated and committed to :) I take full responsibility for that part of it.

I personally think it is harder for women to date someone with children because the mother role is so different from the father role. It's harder because the mother-child bond is just different. I was a step mom for many years before I divorced in 2002 and it was hard!!!

I know I am also unique w/ my children's ages that I now prefer men who do not have young kids below my son's age because of where I am in life. Most of my work is done. In 3 years my second one leaves the nest and in 7 years my baby is gone (and for the most part he has started his own life now with football, baseball and friends). My children will always need me but parenthood does not define who I am. I can leave the house now and not feel guilty (and that just started this year LOL). So, the last thing I want is to be at home with little kids. I know this so I seek men who have older children or an empty nest. That's my preference.

I think it comes down to the choices you make. If you choose someone who has similar interests (including your children) then you should be okay. If you don't, then you will continue down the same path.........
 ekw1234
Joined: 5/31/2011
Msg: 97
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 3/29/2012 8:19:01 PM
Some women, eg myself do not want to date single fathers.
You have to admit that there are a lot of things in your life that are different since you had your daughter. It is not that there is anything wrong with you, its just that dating a man with a child presents a whole host of problems that frankly some of us would rather be single for ever than deal with. I don't care if your kids are grown, or if they don't live with you, its just a deal breaker. I have done it before, I even married a man who had four children and it sucked every day. I feel that I have done my time. There are plenty of single moms out there, you can date them, but I have noticed that men do not want to date single moms. Well it goes both ways. There are also a lot of women who have no problem dating men with children, I used to be one of them. All you can do is ask a woman what her preferences are, and be forgiving in your own preference, I mean be sure and clear what you want, what you are flexible on and what you absolutely will not falter on. Good luck!!
 jeep1127girl
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 98
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 3/29/2012 9:39:03 PM
Do you have your daughter around constantly? I wouldnt want to date a man who has to have his kids around 24/7...tells me he cant balance his life. Women are looking to date you, not your kid. If it all works out and you decide you want to be in a relationship with this person than the kids are introduced. Babysitters, family members, your childs mom can watch your child so you can go out on a date. Balance is the key.
 LaneyLou
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 99
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 4/3/2012 8:23:50 PM
Hook up with sammi ;)
 Mr_dad_guy
Joined: 8/26/2011
Msg: 100
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 4/4/2012 10:02:43 AM
Great post, RIPTIDE! A lot of women on here would probably think I am undateable also, but in my area, most of the women are single moms too, so it's a two-way street. I live in an area where everyone knows everyone, so I'm hoping to find someone in the same boat as I am locally. It will probably be easier to do it on my own than though POF from what I am reading here.
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