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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?      Home login  
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 Aries_328
Joined: 10/16/2011
Msg: 166
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being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?Page 8 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

is if they willing to be selfless enough to "share" the person with their kids or not.


Terrible position to put someone in. Looking for a partner is life, romantic relationship, date, or fwb not a hero or savior. It is not selfless. Simple facts of life are enough. Jobs, family, friends, relationships all take effort and involvement and not being a passive observer. It isn't about their being selfless. It is about being a human being and generally understanding of how life works. it isn't a magic trick. It's basic human consideration and acceptance of another. All of this "selfless" and "wonderful" stuff is magic and creating confusion and establishing roles prior to a relationship even starting. It just confuses everything and when the third party notices that they do not have tingly feelings towards the little strangers then it’s all over because the 'magic' wasn’t there.
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 167
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 5/29/2012 5:30:52 AM
Ok Aries... we can use your wording. The point is the same.
 CuriousFantasyWriter
Joined: 4/5/2012
Msg: 168
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 5/29/2012 7:21:31 AM

Glad you found someone. I do hope you are aware that what you just described is like rule #1 in what never to do as a parent. Of course your child is going to like him. You didn't present him as a threat. It isn't a childlike sense of the other person’s soul that made it a pleasant experience. It was your projection of a non-threating enjoyable situation.

Also, a new high pressure dynamic was introduced by your daughter wanting him to come home. Basically, it was the open door to a relationship with a stranger. I have met many parents and children over the years. At parks, schools, malls, stores etc. Same rules of reality still apply. You do not know someone on first meeting them. It takes first meeting them to get the sense of their voice/face/mannerisms into perspective. The rest takes time.

So, I know you will continue to involve your child in this date because it was comfortable... however, I would strongly recommend a babysitter. Also, 6 years old is super highly romanticized in girls. That is when they want to be fairy princesses with fairy godmothers and Disney level princes will save the day. How she views healthy relationships pretty much gets formed right about now. Don't mess it up :)


Thanks Aries :) We are taking it very slowly. He's not coming to my house, I'm not going to his, and I wouldn't have introduced my 6 year old to him without already having a very high level of trust and comfort with him. We talked for a long time on the phone and online before the first meet which was at a fast food restaurant. And yes, a babysitter is highly desired but difficult because of my ex. (explaining that would take a book) Custody is joint with my ex, week off week on, and so coordinating dates with job schedules and children schedules often takes some creative thinking outside the box...which is why I like a lot of communication before that first meet/date.
 Aries_328
Joined: 10/16/2011
Msg: 169
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being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 5/29/2012 8:04:03 AM
Custody is joint with my ex, week off week on, and so coordinating dates with job schedules and children schedules often takes some creative thinking outside the box...which is why I like a lot of communication before that first meet/date.


Although week on week off sounds great to some it is pretty painful. I hope you didn't pick the weekends to make the transition. Only having one day for a weekend every weekend makes everything more stressful. Having a Monday transition could make it a pretty comfortable deal including for the child.

If you don't have the weekend schedule for transition it should be really easy and not require creative thinking. Baby sitter would not really be required because unless you joined at the hip early on you would have a full week to meet and do what you want than the next week could be date free if you wanted.

If you do have the weekend schedule I would try for a modification. It can be sold as a stabilizing thing even if you have a terrible relationship with a crazy psycho ex. You think it would be better for them and you to have a full weekend together so instead of trading over the weekend he or you take kid to school on Monday and you/he pick them up. Less chance of seeing the ex and it is all around more peaceful and stable. The break of school in between makes the transition between homes less apparent to the child.

Don't tell me... The ex lives too far away to take the kid to school in the morning or has to start work at like 5 am and can't do the 7:30am delivery to school. Someone always has to make it difficult.

I think one of the common points in this thread is that the guys that have run into the dating issue tend to be full time fathers and are not sharing custody. I think that alone is a bit threatening to some women. In the back of their head they may not feel they have the typical 'female advantage' of always winning. :)
 TallGuy_77
Joined: 7/14/2011
Msg: 170
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 5/31/2012 8:10:56 PM
I feel your pain. I am also a single father and just getting a woman to look at me as though I am a possible date in nearly impossible. I don't know if it is me or the fact I come with 2 kids...
 Lin321
Joined: 5/30/2012
Msg: 171
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being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 6/3/2012 6:37:45 AM
well said i agree totally
 LIVE4JESUS918
Joined: 5/9/2012
Msg: 172
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 6/3/2012 10:12:47 PM
Well personally I think its awesome to see men stepping up to the plate. I wouldn't mind dating a man who had his children throughout the week or on the weekends. Atleast the man is being a daddy!
 nightowl2004
Joined: 1/18/2011
Msg: 173
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 6/5/2012 11:09:52 PM
Butterfly is right on.
 nightowl2004
Joined: 1/18/2011
Msg: 174
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 6/5/2012 11:14:54 PM
I minded & NOT my cup of tea. My profile states man with no children. People just have to be upfront about what they want or don't want.
 nightowl2004
Joined: 1/18/2011
Msg: 175
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 6/5/2012 11:16:25 PM
In response to JESU4.
 AvidHuman
Joined: 10/26/2011
Msg: 176
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 6/6/2012 9:55:36 PM
I'm a single dad and I don't have ANY trouble finding a woman that WANTS to date me. Problem is I'm damn picky. :)

I find that alot of women look at a single dad as a prize because its not near as often that a guy winds up with physical/full custody.
 Redmjs
Joined: 1/10/2012
Msg: 177
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 6/11/2012 12:48:29 PM
I personally would rather date someone who had children and if he has custody even better. I know he understands what it takes to raise a kid on his own and not stand by watching someone else do it. Hey Domo, you can throw me all your single dad hits because I'll snatch one up in a second. Dads don't get discouraged. Dating is hard on all of us. Single moms, Single dads, Singles without kids everyone is in search of the one that fits them just right. key is to know what you're looking for or don't want. Domo knows she doesn't want to deal with his kids, fine, but at the same time be respectful that we're out here wanting the same thing you want, kids or no kids. And I promise you my kids aren't lacking for anything because their mother or father date. Does it make it more difficult for us all, yep but hey that's life. No one said it would be easy.
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 178
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 6/11/2012 7:10:05 PM
Striker01.
Wonderful post! That's the part many child free people don't understand. This COULD happen to them and then what? They going to walk out on their child? If their answer is anything other then a firm no then I don't think they are a good person and I'd want nothing to do with them. Male or female. Stay strong!
 KatarzynaS
Joined: 1/17/2012
Msg: 179
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 6/12/2012 12:50:50 PM
Message:
Single parents should date other single parents. Most women dont want the baggae that comes with kids. I know for me and my friends we dont want a guy who has to run around to find a sitter instead of a guy who can come and go as he pleases


Funny, this would seem logical but isn't reality either. When my daughter was younger it seemed to be easier to find a date. Single mother or not. Now that my daughter is older and doesn't need a sitter and I'm pretty free to do what I want it seems that it is even more difficult now. It never had anything to do with if the women were parents themselves or not. It is about competition. Women see competition in children. Even when it doesn't exist.


It is a competition u will never win so why even try n it does exist. It is aliways after soccer practice after homework after school after they in bed. N even when not around n u on a date u end up shopping for their graduation gift. It not even that kiddie food n Disney channel that got to me. But time with son considers of doing fun stuff I wouldn't mind being included in my time is looking at both of them beat from previous day.
 JoMama3
Joined: 11/25/2008
Msg: 180
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being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 6/12/2012 6:37:05 PM
Quite honestly, I prefer a single father. I am a single mother and realize that someone without kids just wouldn't understand the trials and tribulations of parenting. As a single mother, I am in the same boat.
 JoMama3
Joined: 11/25/2008
Msg: 181
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being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 6/12/2012 6:38:10 PM
Well said. People are so quick to judge.
 Indysweetpea2001_
Joined: 8/1/2008
Msg: 182
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 6/25/2012 8:52:36 PM
It is just as hard for the single Moms. I find alot of men want to date me, but not interested in being in a long term relationship because a lady with out kids or kids that are over 18, does not have all the responsibilities and time constraints that I currently have. I do not blame anyone because its their own life choice.
 uniquely_meh
Joined: 8/23/2009
Msg: 183
it is unfair for me to place tt is unfair for me to place that type of burden on someone who should
Posted: 6/26/2012 12:22:34 AM
I have been reading more forums just recently, and it is quite insightful. I don't have any children yet of my own, but I never doubted the idea to date a man w/ kids of his own. But you have made a comment that I have heard before from a man, "it is unfair for me to place that type of burden on someone who should otherwise deserve a shot at building a family of their own from the ground up " and while that was thoughtful, why would a man entertain the idea of dating at all with a women w/out kids if that is how he felt in the first place? It was a lesson learned, and to be honest I thought at my age how many men out in the dating scene are single without kids? It was to be expected that more men have kids than not. I haven't given up, its just the reality of men with kids. Either they want you to meet them, or not, and I choose not right away, just as if I had kids of my own, I would not introduce them to just anybody. Lucky we have choices!
 vancitygurl78
Joined: 7/6/2012
Msg: 184
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 8/22/2012 3:07:02 PM
There is nothing wrong with being a single dad. I think that's an admirable thing that a father is doing. Cuz really some fathers are just dead beat dads so when we see a single father raising a kid on their own it's truly worth saying that there are some decent men left in this world.

I haven't looked at ur profile or read it but all i have to say is this: u need to prioritize things in life and ask urself how serious are u to wanting to date and forming a relationship with someone?

I'm in the same situation rite now as well. I'm having a hard time trying to get with this guy whose also a single father with full custody of his child. The child and mother do not spend a whole lot of time together. So it's very difficult for the father to find time for dating. And I've recently told him that if he doesn't find the time to organize his life and including dating he's gonna miss out on a great girl cuz I only have so much patience to wait.

I am a single girl, never married nor have kids. And have no problem dating guys with or without kids. With that said, there are alot of girls out there who are exactly what ur looking for in a person. U just have to find her she may not be on this site
 JoseMadre
Joined: 1/9/2012
Msg: 185
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 8/24/2012 9:24:37 AM

being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?


Finding the right someone might be a challenge for each of us, but finding someone isn't.
 JALR_196349
Joined: 2/6/2012
Msg: 186
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 8/26/2012 1:09:59 PM
true being a single parent now days is hard and finding someone being a parent is harder. i guess some think that you want them just to look after the kid or kids while they go out and look for someone.
 guyfromri
Joined: 9/11/2011
Msg: 187
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 8/26/2012 5:19:08 PM
I have found that the women who complain the most about not being able to find a good guy anywhere are often the ones who dont want to date a guy who has kids. Its like they are trying NOT to find a good guy. And as we all know , there are a lot of single dads who are good guys
 vancitygurl78
Joined: 7/6/2012
Msg: 188
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 8/26/2012 7:56:32 PM
^^^^^ that's so not true. I want to find and date a good guy and in fact I have dated 2 guys in the past who have had kids. One flat out lied to me and didn't tell me he was separated and my recent ex bf, I knew him for 16 years and I knew he had 2 kids and I admired that he took the time to care for his kids every chance he could find.

So yeah, I'm complaining that I can't find a good guy, but I even dated a single father with 2 kids. Currently in the process of 'trying' to date a single father with full custody of his kid, but with full custody of a child is a bit more difficult to date versus a single parent who shares custody with their ex spouse. Single father's with full custody have no one to rely on or fall back on especially if the mother of the child is a lost cause in wanting to care of her own child. But I'm going to be patient with this guy, and when he finds the time to plan a date with me, I'm gonna make sure I hold on to him tight cuz any man who has full custody or shares any custody of his child, is a 'good, and honorable' man and deserves my utmost respect and hell yeah I would date them again and again.
 guyfromri
Joined: 9/11/2011
Msg: 189
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 8/28/2012 4:22:08 PM
Actually it is true, guys who lie about kids HAVE to lie because if they didnt, most women wouldnt date them. I am not saying that its right, or that I do it myself, but I have heard people tell me. The example that you give didnt really have anything to do with kids. It had to do with his ex, which is something entirely different.
 vancitygurl78
Joined: 7/6/2012
Msg: 190
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 8/28/2012 7:12:37 PM
^^^ at the time when I was dating the guy who didnt tell me he had a kid, was the time that I didn't want to date guys or have anything to do with guys who had kids cuz I was 19 at that time and I was a kid myself, let alone wanting to be involved with someone who had a kid, AT THAT TIME
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