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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Am I wrong not to have anything to do with my mother?      Home login  
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 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 14
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Am I wrong not to have anything to do with my mother?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)

...This is just a tip of the iceberg, no point telling the whole bio here. Point is, I will not have anything to do with her, and neither will my siblings, a decision made my adults who were hurt once too often by her.

So why do we still hear that "...but she's your mother, she deserves unconditional love and respect..." speech from people? Isn't respect earned? Do I have to?


You can like/respect/dislike/abhor whomever you want, you're an adult..but why post those personal problems here? This obviously bothers you a great deal, perhaps professional help is needed over posting here.
 BlueTeaPot
Joined: 6/25/2011
Msg: 15
Am I wrong not to have anything to do with my mother?
Posted: 7/5/2011 1:48:47 AM
I guess I would have to say - why did you pick PoF to get it all out 'on'? What are you looking for from us here?
And the (reporter in me) wants to know how many other places you have been to do the same....

 WalksOnWater2
Joined: 5/19/2009
Msg: 16
Am I wrong not to have anything to do with my mother?
Posted: 7/5/2011 1:53:34 AM
I hope you don't rag at your girlfriend or wife like this about your mother.
You have too much bagged up if you find release in talking in a forum about it.
So you hate her. Fine, you got your reasons.
But that was then, and this is now.
Grow out of it already. She can not reject you any more.

 leadpipe1958
Joined: 6/19/2009
Msg: 17
Am I wrong not to have anything to do with my mother?
Posted: 7/5/2011 5:37:01 AM
Kid you will change when you get older and you will have a lot of crow to eat.
You only get 2 parents.They will be missed when they are gone.It will be to late to make up the years.
 Kitten189
Joined: 5/25/2011
Msg: 18
Am I wrong not to have anything to do with my mother?
Posted: 7/5/2011 6:15:22 AM
^^ I disagree with this as i think the Op will be relieved.

Its very sad to read all that and i understand that therapy hasn't helped you and that's why you're here looking for answers/understanding.
But,honestly,Op,live your life as happily as you can sans your mother.
Though the fact you're even talking about her is worrisome - shows you "care" to some degree.
I would've thought anyone you had such disdain for would NEVER rate a mention :(
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 19
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Am I wrong not to have anything to do with my mother?
Posted: 7/5/2011 7:06:12 AM
OP - it's natural that we love our parents, and we want them to love us. I am thinking your mother's behavior towards you is eating away at you - because it ate away at your sense of self-worth. That's the real issue, isn't it? The 5 year old who thought - why doesn't mommy love me?

Deal with that, and you will find the hate toward your mother will become less consuming.

She sounds like my grandmother. Once I understood HER, I was able to forgive her. I actually feel sorry for her now...
 Vamperella
Joined: 4/27/2010
Msg: 20
Am I wrong not to have anything to do with my mother?
Posted: 7/5/2011 7:57:02 AM
You can choose your friends but you can't choose your relatives. I agree with the general masses here...focus on those who do matter to you and give the rest of the shite the ole kerby kick...ummm..preferably before history repeats itself and your poor excuse for a mother has a chance to create more havoc with 'grandkids'??
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 21
Am I wrong not to have anything to do with my mother?
Posted: 7/5/2011 8:06:58 AM

And why can't I?

Because hating people takes a toll on you. Why can't you just have little or nothing to do with her and just be civil if and when you have to interact with her for some reason?

So why do we still hear that "...but she's your mother, she deserves unconditional love and respect..." speech from people?

Probably because many people who believe love is unconditional have never found themselves in conditions that would show them there is no such thing. Lots of people buy into slogans.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 22
Am I wrong not to have anything to do with my mother?
Posted: 7/5/2011 8:23:01 AM
OP,
My father did a run and dash on my Mother and I when I was a child. There were times I hated him for it. At the age of 16 my Mom and I found his name thru Canada 411 and my Mom asked me if I ever wanted to talk to my Dad again, I forgave him and let him back in my life but when he came back into my life he didn't run and dash this time around, he stayed it out till he passed away of diabetes.

You have your reasons for hating your mother but you gotta let that hatred go or else it's going to consume you to hate even more. There's a reason why toxic people are cut off just like ex's they do damage and the more you hang on to that hurt, the more they have power over your life.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 23
Am I wrong not to have anything to do with my mother?
Posted: 7/5/2011 8:59:30 AM

I hate, detest abhor etc my mother.

And why can't I? Every time someone finds out my feelings towards her, I get the "....but she's your mother!" response.


You can if you want too.
Individuals who tell you " ...but she's your mother!", have no understanding what you have lived through.
So best to ignore them.
The only flaw with hating your mother, is that ...
that hate is consuming you.
Not her.
You are not punishing her, you are punishing yourself.
That is sad.


So? By virtue of being someones mother, having carried and given birth, does that really give someone the automatic right to a lifetime of love and respect from her offspring?


No it doesn't.


Isn't respect earned? Do I have to?


Yes respect is earned.
And No you don't have to love your mother.

There... now I answered all of your questions, however I would like to provide some personal input.
I looked at your profile as I wanted to address this so it was age appropriate.
However 105 years old!
I don't know if I can do that now. lol

I have had an issue with my mom my entire life.
Do I love her?
I'm working on it.
Do I like her?
No.

Unfortunately we cannot choose our families like we choose our friends, otherwise we would have not chosen them. Right?

I could give you a long list of what my mother is.
How about you just guess, as it is not really pleasant.
I realize that my issues in life have stemmed from how I was raised.
And it has taken me a lifetime to retrain my thinking.

Through this LONG drawn out process, I realized that she did the best she could with the tools she had.
War does that people.
They come out damaged, and then they try to raise children.
However, I cannot keep dwelling on that.
I have had to accept that she was damaged goods, and could only create more damaged goods.

Now she is 86 and in a nursing home with Alzheimer's.
She has only me, to take care of her.
So I do what is expected of me.
And each time I see her, my anger becomes less and less.
Because I am beginning to understand what I am trying to tell you.

She did the best she could with what she had.

I think I am near the mark where I can honestly hug and hold her tight, while saying:
It's OK mom.
You did your best.
And I love you for trying.

'Cause soon she'll be gone, and then I will have to live with it.
And I don't want to live with hate or anger any more.
I want peace.

I hope you find your peace.
 foreverstacey
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 24
Am I wrong not to have anything to do with my mother?
Posted: 7/5/2011 9:03:23 AM
Holy bitter and angry... now I know how everyone used to feel around me about my dad when I would talk about him.

THIS isn't healthy. You either accept people as they are, or you don't. I found I liked my dad a bit more when I accepted him as he was and didnt put any expectations on him. Sad that I didnt put expectations on him.. yes, but Im telling you he's a lot easier to deal with now. I also feel like he's quite sick... been smoking and drinking HEAVILY since he was 12, and I would hate to be so angry with him before he passed away. I'm not sure I could ever really forgive myself.
 cap_n_mORGAN
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 25
Am I wrong not to have anything to do with my mother?
Posted: 7/5/2011 9:19:26 AM
Let the hate go for yourself it will eat you up.

My mother and I have a shaky relationship at best. I was adopted my parents had adopted my sister a couple of years before I was born.

Dad wanted a boy she didn't this played out as me being substandard to my sister in her eyes.

My sister was killed in a car wreak when she was 19 I was 17 I hoped she would change. That didn't happen.

Worse yet she carried this out to my children. My daughter could do no wrong my son could do no right.

Funny thing is my son was much better behaved than my daughter. She was constantly in trouble with the law through her teen years, he never had one problem that needed outside intervention.

My mother started having health issues I made sure she got to every Dr.'s appointment and surgery. My thanks......She told me that the wrong child was taken from her.

Mother is now in a nursing home with hardened arteries in her brain. I still stop by to see her and love her mostly through the love of my father.

She doesn't deserve my respect or love but because of the love and respect for my father I treat her with dignity.

Just because your mother was not a nice person doesn't mean you have to follow in her example.

I hope this helps....Just wanted you to know you are not alone in your quagmire.

Good luck this is a tough balance to maintain... However if you can let go of the hate and at least find a way to treat her with dignity you will find this will set you free.
 4ms4me
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 26
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Am I wrong not to have anything to do with my mother?
Posted: 7/5/2011 9:50:19 AM

Worse yet she carried this out to my children. My daughter could do no wrong my son could do no right.
Funny thing is my son was much better behaved than my daughter. She was constantly in trouble with the law through her teen years, he never had one problem that needed outside intervention.

My mother was just the opposite, as was her mother - the boys were favored over the girls. I didn't realize it, but when I had my kids my feelings for my daughter and son differed; not that I didn't love them both, but I felt that my daughter needed extra love from me, because nobody else would really care about her. I believed my son had all the love and support he would need from me, and from people other than myself. It wasn't until they were adults that I realized how my mother's and grandmother's behavior had affected me as a parent. I've been lucky in that while both my kids have had some trouble, both have turned out pretty good and they are good parents. Its a shame what parents do to their kids, often all unknowing, but I tell my kids that the majority of parents do the best they can with the tools they have and hopefully, each generation of parents improves on the last. I can see where both of them have learned from the mistakes I've made.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 27
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Am I wrong not to have anything to do with my mother?
Posted: 7/5/2011 11:04:47 AM
Well for one, I'm not giving your father any points for bailing and leaving his children with someone who was mentally ill, mean, abusive and unloving. Where the hell was he all those years you were abused? I wouldn't be giving him so much slack. I'm sick of men leaving their helpless, innocent children with psychos while they complain about how badly they were treated.

The mother, I don't believe someone getting pregnant and giving birth gives someone some special rights. If your mother was a lousy parent then someone should have stepped in and made sure the children were in a safe place getting a loving home. If your mother is toxic, stay far away from her. You don't have to allow that in your life and you don't have to ruin your life too just because you were born to parents who did not step up and be good parents.


Lots of people buy into slogans.


This is so true! Life is not about slogans and cliches, you must find your grounding and enjoy your life, if that means cutting out people who make you miserable, so be it. You may feel you missed out on a good relationship with your parents because that's what we hope for, but if you do not have that, you will not be missing that parent when they are gone, you will be missing what you never had. Just make sure of the facts, sometimes we put things on our parents that aren't true.
 MsWinter
Joined: 9/18/2010
Msg: 28
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Am I wrong not to have anything to do with my mother?
Posted: 7/5/2011 12:36:13 PM
In every situation in life you must understand that you can not change people-relatives or not.You can only change yourself.
I have been on my own since 13.I .was bitter for years until I came to understand that my place in my family was "unwanted".
Ibecame to understand that my hateret was really destroying me .
I have gone home few times and each time I left with a broken heart.I kept on going back to give them one more chance to make it right by me-it never came, therefore I had to go on without them
Don't look back.......but if you do ,make sure that you will be strong enough not to fall into same trap as your parents. Have courage to make changes and not repeat the same mistakes.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 29
Am I wrong not to have anything to do with my mother?
Posted: 7/5/2011 5:08:15 PM
Buddy ...

After that email I can see that you are one very angry and disturbed individual.

Holy $hit .... get yourself some help before you go off the deep end.
 Theophannia
Joined: 5/7/2010
Msg: 30
Am I wrong not to have anything to do with my mother?
Posted: 7/5/2011 6:00:23 PM
Ok I just did a user search and OP seems to have deleted their account so discussion is over I guess. Though I would like to agree with the general masses that toxic people should NOT stay in people's lives. For those of you who did not have terrible experiences growing up, please don't assume you know crap about how to deal with them, as you never learned to. Be happy for that but don't tell those of us who have experience with these things how to deal with it.
 FlameNFire
Joined: 7/11/2009
Msg: 31
Am I wrong not to have anything to do with my mother?
Posted: 7/5/2011 7:20:11 PM
Dear OP! I sooo feel your pain. My mother was a divorced mother of 2 (40 years ago) and was dating my dad, who owned his own successful business, owned an airplane, was a pilot, was stunningly handsome, etc and she decided she wanted him to marry her and take care of her two young children. So, she deliberately, behind my dads back, got pregnant with me. My dad had already figured out that she was quite troubled so he refused to marry her. At that point, I was nothing more than the plan that backfired. Lord knows, she really didn't want a 3rd child! This lead to years of serious physical abuse, years of her allowing her "new" husband to molest me in front of her, years of her telling me she hated me, she wished she had had an abortion, I was the worst thing in her life, etc...the list is long. I ended up in foster care, thank God, my foster family was and is amazing! As an adult she has tried to have this mother/daughter relationship with me (although she still takes every chance she can to be hurtful in a denial type of way). She refuses to admit that she did anything wrong when I was a child, her story is that I was a "problem child". How so is beyond me since I was petrified of her and spent all my at home hours hiding? I have tried on and off to forgive her, get over it, forget about it and just let her be the best mother she can be. I finally grew up enough to face the reality that I some very deep emotional wounds that had to be dealt with, and as long as she remained in my life, I was continuing to dig deeper wounds and create new ones at the same time. I was very ashamed for a while to let anyone know that I had anything less than a perfect relationship with my mother. However, now that I am in a place of healing, I am also in a place of honesty. I didn't have a good mother and nothing will ever change that, and to keep her in my life only hurts me more! OP, only you can know how much or how little your mother should be in your life, but be true to yourself, don't make decisions out of guilt or fear of what someone else may think. Those people haven't walked in your shoes! Do what is healthy for you! Good Luck Friend!
 the_better_one
Joined: 6/3/2011
Msg: 32
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Am I wrong not to have anything to do with my mother?
Posted: 7/6/2011 6:58:13 AM
OP....being a mother i pray everyday that my children will never hate me or feel as you do or as i do toward my mother. I live to do best by them even when i fail i am doing my best. my mother wont have nothing to do with my or my kids bc i am gay, actually sd would accept me as a murderer before a gay daughter. i love my kids unconditionally and dont have that frommy mom...just be you and move on..let go of it before it destroys you...
 OSB202
Joined: 1/9/2011
Msg: 33
Am I wrong not to have anything to do with my mother?
Posted: 7/6/2011 7:14:16 AM
Yes she gave birth to you but you have a right to feel the way you feel. I am not a counselor or PhD but in my opinion there are a few things that are very important for you.

1) You gotta have closure. It seems like you are still mad about this. That's ok but if you FORGIVE her ... not for her, but for YOU. You will feel relieved and no longer mad. Understand that it was probably her upbringing and she doesn't know better or chose not to know better. Learn from that and show your kids/wife how life SHOULD be. Keep your family distant from her if she is a bad influence. In my opinion there is nothing wrong with that. The most important thing is keeping your children AWAY from negativity (you don't want them growing up the same way). Don't tell your family that your mom is horrible. Tell your family that your mom has always had some problems to face in life.

2) yes, people will always judge without knowing ALL data or logic. Ignor that. You do what YOU think is right.

3) Your mom will not always be around. If she were to pass away tomorrow, will you have any regrets? That's all you have to ask yourself. So just make sure that you ask yourself that.

My mom was a good mom but I disagreed with the way she thought sometimes. She suddenly passed away without warning (overian cancer) however, in the hospital, she waited for me to travel to chicago to see her. I actually had the chance to hug her and tell her I love her so much. Then she passed. I was grateful for that.

Good luck.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 34
Am I wrong not to have anything to do with my mother?
Posted: 7/6/2011 7:24:48 AM

I was very ashamed for a while to let anyone know that I had anything less than a perfect relationship with my mother.


Wow, Flame & fire. That is intense. I hope you are healing. But I also hope that whatever happened there will not interfere with your own relationships with men. My ex gf had a mother that was abusive towards her father and sister, was an alcoholic and was bipolar. The abusive mother actually concentrated all the abuse on the sister, and treated my ex like a little princess. Guess what happened? She became like her mother.

The reason I say this and this applies to the OP as well is to try to let it go. Try to create a life that does not have the toxicity of those people and that we are aware, so we do not rub what happened to us into others. Hate is a self destructive emotion, it will destroy you before it will destroy the other person. Indifference may work better, but there you may just brush under the rug all those deep traumas that then will keep pooping up over and over in different areas of our relationships. Probably the best thing to do would be to do some family of origin therapy, be able understand the behavior, but better yet, understand how it affects our own emotions and actions and then set yourself free.
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