Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 1776or1984
Joined: 12/25/2009
Msg: 17
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
Long repy, yada, yada, yada, so skip it if you don’t like to read. : )

Thanks all for the excellent feedback on this. Let me see if I can shine some more light on specific issues that were brought up. I did leave a lot out, seemed redundant in part and I wanted to focus on whether age made a difference rather than her issues (don’t we all have some?). This was a strange deal, I've been dumped and I've been kept at arm's length before but never by someone that I got along with as well as I did with this person.

Ran into her at the state convention, I had been asked to meet a group at a restaurant after the convention, she honked at me in the parking lot, so I asked her if she wanted to attend. She did, then asked me to buy her dinner in joking sort of way. Later I asked if I could come see her, she agreed. Next morning she showed up at one of our precinct walks, thumping on a bad politician by dropping flyers on door steps in his district, we rode around together a few hours doing that. End of the activity, I asked again if she was still up to me coming to visit. Got a yes and a smile.

So then I get put off for three weeks, phone calls not returned but she did respond via email saying she was super busy. Okay, be patient. We started emailing a lot, long emails.

Next outing our group went about 75 miles south, about ten of us made the trip, another bad boy politician getting some voter education. The day before, she emails asking if she can carpool with anyone, emails me privately, not on the main email list. Texts me a half dozen times that day, asks me to call her, gives me her new home phone number, mentions ATT Friends & Family and cheap ways to talk (uh cell phone, no long distance charges?), like we are going to be doing some long talks.

She leaves her town at 4 am, gets to OKC, we leave around 6:30 am. Great time all day long, dumping lots of info on each other, our pasts, a bit about relationships in the past (not all the info, onion peeling time), goals, all intensely personal, little about what we are doing or politics. So around five or so, we were out of flyers and signs so I asked if she wanted to drive up Mt. Scott. She did. Went through a small resort town and, walked a bit, went up the mountain to watch the sunset, then drove back to the city and had dinner. Pretty much turned it into a date at the end. She agrees to another date, a planned date in a couple of weeks.

Puts me off for another three weeks, I did the Hell yes or Hell no thing (play me or trade me)after about a week and a half , she admitted that she was attracted to me or she wouldn’t be talking to me. Set out some pretty clear expectations, no dates unless I was serious, didn’t like touching, holding hands, kissing till she was comfortable with me, then we set the date, she did the break the date deal, then settled down the last week before the date. Still not talking on the phone except short calls, very short calls.

Picked her up at her house, she showed me around including the bedroom of all places, she had gone to a lot of effort to look good (and she did), toured the Marlow Mansion, had dinner, went for a drive through the Tall Grass Prairie and watched the sun set (very, very isolated, saw three cars in three hours). Took her home, talked sitting in the car for about an hour with her making no move to get out. Long date, nearly 10 ½ hours.

And while talking she admitted that she didn’t like talking on the phone because it was scary for her… Says she doesn’t quite trust that I am sincere. That we would continue to date but not regularly. Talked about it again via email the next day and she said she believed I was one to trust but couples take time to become comfortable with each other and she needed time. She needed to know how I live, how I am when I am tired, how I treat her as time goes along. I asked for regular dates, like once a week, and more phone calls, trying to be considerate if she needed to go slow. Nope, not going to happen…

By this time my mind is screaming at me to walk away, stress like I’ve not experienced, migraine headache the next day, so I say screw it and tell her to use me or lose me. She replies that she just doesn’t have enough experience with me to make that choice so I made it for her.

Shutterfly57 nailed it in my opinion, the older I get the easier it is to see the flakes coming and recognize a decent person. I hadn’t seen this sort of behavior from this lady before so I assumed it was from the change in our relationship from acquaintance to dating, menopause related, or age related.

Helen suggested a great explanation for the 2 am break the date thing. Something changed, it sure wasn’t me between 2 am and 9 am. I read her email breaking the date around 8 am but decided not to respond, to just move on. I was more than surprised when she emailed back at 9 am apologizing. Was I one on a string?

Ohenryx made a good observation, to me it is weird not to kiss after a date, it is the traditional ending, kind of expected I think if you accept a date, expect it to happen if things go well. But our first “date” wasn’t really planned as a “date” so I asked for and got a hug. I’m a pretty direct guy, I told her early on that I wanted to kiss her on that first dinner that we had together, got the message that she was reserved that way. I understand that, I really like personal contact but at the same time it is intensely personal for me, she was the same way. Some of us are like that, high standards, doesn’t mean we are prudes or anything. Quality not quantity thing. She also suggested early on of being “friends” for a while and I shot that down immediately, “friends” is the kiss of death. Don’t get me wrong, you can be best friends as you date but going from “friends” to dating is pretty rare. Besides, we had been friends for months. Went to a movie together with another lady from our group, met several times to pass signs, did a couple of events together with the group, emailed regularly privately, I helped her on projects over the phone. Even her brother told her that “friends” was an insult if a guy was asking a lady out. She got that part early on, no friends wanted, dating relationship wanted.

Igor wrote;
“It's like any other human activity in that way. When I'm going to buy a big ticket item, I'm LESS likely to jump at the one with the biggest flash, and the most sex appeal, or the best advertising, as I did when I was younger. But I am ALSO likely to plunk down my cash much more decisively and quickly once I DO see what I want, because I know myself well enough to recognize what will and wont work for me.”

Exactly, which is why I thought it was time to walk away. She had been through three bad relationships in her life and pretty much only three relationships. A cheater revealed right before she married him and she married him anyway, second husband was remote and non supportive, wouldn’t eat at the table with her cause her chewing food grossed him out (no, I didn't get that at all), third dating relationship guy got caught emailing three other women while in a long distance relationship with her. She actually asked why the guy was emailing the other women if he loved her. Duh? Didn’t find this out till the last date, sitting in the driveway. Which is why Igor’s reply rang so true.

What I do know about her after the last date:
She is bad seed, stay away. Her Christian values are suspect if she married a cheater and put up with a second bad marriage. She has little self respect if she put up with three bad relationships She either absolutely sucks at picking men or she picks exactly the type that will “challenge” her or refight an old battle. I pick the latter as more true. I am indeed lucky to have gotten out when I did. Things seem a lot clearer today than on Sunday morning.

What I didn’t have any perspective on was whether or not my opinion was valid, the point that Shutterfly57 and Igor made, that the older we get, the wiser we should be on these things. Yet her bad experiences would have made most people cautious so I thought I would get some imput. I’m hearing that age makes little difference, people do get more cautious and wiser but they should also recognize a good person when they meet them. I read up some on menopause and dating on this forum a few weeks ago to see if that could have an effect, some say it does, others said it didn’t.

Thanks to everyone that took the time to offer their input. Made it easier to decide to put this behind me and look forward. Good lord though, dating seems to be predator and prey, with a handful of insanity, stress, and uncertainty mixed in. I have not missed it the last ten years.
 1776or1984
Joined: 12/25/2009
Msg: 18
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/6/2011 12:30:04 AM
Either a mess or I was one on a string which is sounding more and more likely. And I agree, not automatic on kissing but if the date is going well one usually knows when an attempt is going to be welcomed.

Thanks for the input. I didn't want to regret not trying a little longer because I was ignorant about something.
 madlady777
Joined: 6/7/2011
Msg: 19
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/6/2011 9:40:12 AM
You are a wise man. I am over 60 and want more than I did at 20, Wiser, more patient, not time for silly stuff. Give us women of age a chance. More wonderful than you could ever know, Tahe the time to stop by and say "HELLO" I will always respond back. It is not not I am needy but a lady

Maryanne
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 20
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/7/2011 12:17:56 AM

Either a mess or I was one on a string which is sounding more and more likely.

Does it matter? Either way, surely you can do better.

Even the worst person - and you come across as a pretty good, honorable person - deserves better than to be strung along, for whatever reason.

The effect upon you is what matters. And that was very seriously Not Good.

I'm glad to see you made the call, and I am sure you will find better prospects in future.
 Annea1
Joined: 4/5/2009
Msg: 21
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/7/2011 1:48:18 PM
Why are you asking everyone else about this? Ask her. Stereotypes and generalizations suck. Get to know her or any woman rather than assumptions and second hand opinions. It isn't about her age. Maybe she just doesn't want to come right out and say she isn't sexually attracted to you. Are you ready for a direct and honest answer from her if that is the case or would you rather have your ego preserved?
 1776or1984
Joined: 12/25/2009
Msg: 22
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/7/2011 7:58:13 PM
Thank you Holly and Helen, I try to be although dealing with people like her makes one want to be otherwise.

Annea, read the posts, we got past the physical attraction thing several weeks before I walked. I told her to pick one, hell yes or hell no. Her response was “what the hell?” but she finished up the email by listing all the things that caused her to be attracted to me. Body language told me that she was more than attractive to me on the two dates, even the first dinner she sat close and stayed close. The puzzle was the hot and cold on seeing each other in person. And I hate to break this to you, most people aren’t going to be upfront, most are going to try to be “nice” and avoid answering an ego bruising question, especially if she was keeping me around on a shelf till she figured out what she wanted. Heck she had two stories about why we weren't talking on the phone, first she was too busy, later she found it "scary". Yeah, she would go on a long drive in a very isolated part of the state with no worry but talking on the phone is scary? More like keep him away so you don't get attached.

Another thing about here that bothered me after I allowed it to (yeah, sometimes you just don’t want to follow your gut feeling) was her unusual divorce about three years earlier. She actually lived in the same house with the ex for 2 ½ years, living in the basement so her daughter could finish high school without moving. Yeah I know, lots of questions there, seems her ex brought a new girlfriend around about a year into it. The point is that what kind of person can do things slow motion like that? It would drive me nuts to live in the same house with an ex. Then the long distance relationship she was in during that period, she catches the guy emailing three other women around Thanksgiving (they traded passwords on their email accounts), waits till April to tell the guy she needed to be alone. Either trying to “fix” him, thinking she can’t do any better, or insanely slow to make up her mind.

So after putting away the age related issue, I am putting it down to one of three things, she wasn’t that into me, she was going to take months to make up her mind, or she had me on a string till she decided what to do with me. No matter, I’m gone. No one is treating me that way for long. One of her last emails she talked about how me being considerate of her made her happy… yeah, while it lasts if it isn’t a two way street.

Such is life. Hope the next one is normal.
 Sirenne
Joined: 6/3/2011
Msg: 23
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/9/2011 2:54:25 AM
Just not really into you. That is the bottom line. She may like you but is not sexually attracted to you, Christian values or not...... She may have had other men around and they disappointed her.... A 2 am call is unnatural and she may have been drunk or just had a date that she felt was going somewhere. To call again at 9 am is not acceptable. She cant make up her mind, best to let her go. Who wants a lukewarm relationship or just being a convenience. She may not be into sex or have hang ups. Religion can do that.. Dont get me started.
 Sirenne
Joined: 6/3/2011
Msg: 24
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/9/2011 2:58:59 AM
I am sure she would not appreciate you citing chapter and verse your experiences with her, on this forum....So much detail. I wouldnt be bothered to read it all quite frankly.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 25
view profile
History
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/9/2011 3:43:34 AM

My question here is this: What differences are there when dating again after 50? Do you require more time than you did when you were younger?


Well, age wise, there isn't any difference. Why would you ask? You are your age, and you are dating (usually) someone the same (near) age. Our age group is just that.

Dating..now that's something different. Only because, speaking for me, I have not "dated" in a very, very long while. Rusty, a bit apprehensive, but..go do the things I think, or talk about, we (date and I) would like to do.

As far as the woman you mentioned..you were her option, she was your choice. They don't match up..move on.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 26
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/9/2011 8:16:28 AM
The age part of the question is velly velly, well, *odd.* Unless the OPie's going to use it as an excuse to date younger, lol!

The case, as presented, would seem to be someone who *wanted* to like you, but at some level didn't. Kept trying to make it work and it just wouldn't. Been there, on both sides, but it surely isn't age related.

The sour grapes forming (why I didn't *really* want her anyways. . . . ) is kinda cute. And all too predictable. OPie, learning to be a grown up (before or after 50) is generally a *good* thang.

Cheers!
 1776or1984
Joined: 12/25/2009
Msg: 27
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/9/2011 8:56:55 PM
Well, after about four days she emails back to rip the scab off things. Says I have the wrong impression of her. Wants three months alone time, making some promises if I’m still around at that time. I tell her that I’ve lost all faith in her promises and that I’m beginning to get pissed off over the entire mess, she says I should be pissed off. The four days distance helped me to see things clearer and it seemed to get her attention so against my gut instinct I told her I’d give her three weeks to think things over. I asked three things of her, was she completely over her last relationship (yes), demanded absolutely no contact of any kind for three weeks (not feeding this monster any more), and IF she had her head on straight and wanted to try again after three weeks she would need to do it in person, no phone calls, no email. I’m making it difficult on purpose, I really don’t believe it is going to happen.

In the meantime, I don’t owe her jack. I’m not waiting around, going on with my life.

Sirenne, I could care less if she was concerned about the details. I’ve been on the other side many times in life, if you yank on people’s chain enough at some point they have the right to do as they wish. You just don’t treat human beings like that, say no if you need to but don’t keep them on a string. I started off with very little detail, asking one question, if dating was different for women after 50, if they needed more time to decide.

Wooby, I don’t need an excuse to date a younger woman, I did for years because the women my age made it darned difficult to date them. The last one was twenty years younger and it lasted for almost nine years, but the age difference is tougher the older people get I found out. A great analogy is when someone asks why so many of the shops in Oklahoma have predominately Hispanic workers, because the Hispanics apply for the jobs and show up every day, they want to work. At 35 the younger women were more available than women my age and the same is true now, if I wanted younger I’d settle for it but now I find myself attracted more to women closer to my age. It just makes sense at 53, time to settle down. I do think that you might be right, wanting to make it work is different than being able to make it work.

Sour grapes? Yeah, we need to talk ourselves out of things just like we talked ourselves into them. As far as growing up, you told more about yourself than you did about me with that comment. Careful, cynical isn't attractive in a woman of any age in my opinion.
 Annea1
Joined: 4/5/2009
Msg: 28
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/11/2011 9:38:39 AM
As far as dating younger goes a lot of women in their 30's and 40's, especially if they are fit, attractive, and financially secure, aren't in to daddy figures anymore than men in their 50's are attracted to women over 5 years older than they are. Dating sites give that illusion, but it isn't true. And men who post a preference that cuts off at their age are advertising that they have a rather narrow stereotypical view of women that may turn off an attractive compatible woman their age.
 Betterthanblond1331
Joined: 5/29/2011
Msg: 29
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/11/2011 9:54:45 AM
Annea:
I agree with you on your last statement. It's amazing how many men cut off the age at either their age or a couple years younger. They usually use the excuse "women my age and older don't take care of themselves", "women my age look too old" or some similar complaint. I wonder if any of these men look in the mirror? And guys..yes, there are women that do the same...so don't jump on me for this one!
 mateo45
Joined: 1/17/2008
Msg: 30
view profile
History
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/11/2011 5:30:17 PM
Well, then again perhaps you haven't seen all the posts by women who don't even look in the mirror, and insist they're gonna smoke and drink and bake in the sun 'til the cows come home, and if the guys don't like the way they look, "F. 'em!" (hey, "old" AND "cranky".... a 2-fer)!
 johnnyj218
Joined: 4/16/2010
Msg: 31
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/12/2011 10:20:16 AM

They usually use the excuse "women my age and older don't take care of themselves", "women my age look too old" or some similar complaint.


Well when 90% of ones messages are from women 45 to 55, 3+ kids and 200+ pounds, it's difficult not to come to that conclusion (especially online) and you have to draw the line somewhere. Yes there are many beautiful 40+ women that look great and take care of themselves but they are looking for the same, younger and hard bodied.
 RichenLosAngeles
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 32
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/12/2011 11:01:47 AM
I have dated women plus or minus my own age, and recently I met a cute gal +5 on me.
She's energetic, helpful, has a great body, and my Mom even likes her.
Yes, she has some lines on her face, but so do I.
 shakeitupbaby2012
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 33
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/12/2011 11:55:01 AM

And while talking she admitted that she didn’t like talking on the phone because it was scary for her… Says she doesn’t quite trust that I am sincere. That we would continue to date but not regularly. Talked about it again via email the next day and she said she believed I was one to trust but couples take time to become comfortable with each other and she needed time. She needed to know how I live, how I am when I am tired, how I treat her as time goes along. I asked for regular dates, like once a week, and more phone calls, trying to be considerate if she needed to go slow. Nope, not going to happen…

By this time my mind is screaming at me to walk away, stress like I’ve not experienced, migraine headache the next day, so I say screw it and tell her to use me or lose me. She replies that she just doesn’t have enough experience with me to make that choice so I made it for her.


She told you just how she felt and what she both needed and wanted - clear as a bell.
And all you've gotten out of this is to sum it up and say she's a flake. I don't believe she is.
Based on your words I would say that she liked you but wanted to get to know you as an individual
very well, date every few weeks, and take it slowly.
I feel that, even though it was spelled out for you, that you jumped to many conclusions and finally took
a defensive action because you didn't understand it, didn't accept what she told you, and didn't want to have the plugged pulled on you as you did to her.
Dating is about learning. Unless you just didn't want to see her anymore- with no agenda and no expectations or over thinking it etc- then what would it have hurt to continue to see her? I don't see anywhere in your posts that you told het what you wanted other than to date more often. People hold this stuff back when the rubber meets the road and then wonder why things didn't work. You didn't communicate fully IMO and made snap judgments about her without clarifying or discussing what she was beginning to open up about further. Emotional smackdown.
 1776or1984
Joined: 12/25/2009
Msg: 34
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/12/2011 8:19:18 PM
Sowrite,
You have a gift you know, getting right to the point without coming across as negative, saying tough things gently. Thank you.

If I needed to know more about a person I'd make it a priority to spend time with them to learn what I needed to know, after all that was one of her questions, how would I treat her after knowing her for a while. It is true that she has said she needed time but if that is the case, she shouldn't have accepted the date at all much less initiate going past the friend zone a few months earlier nor do I talk about intimate details of my life via email for weeks on end with "friends".

As for knowing me, after a year? I'm what is called a public person, well known in the state for my involvement in legislative politics, there is very little about me that isn't very public. A couple of state representatives tried to recruit me to run for state senate a few weeks back (I turned them down) and one of them made the comment that I was one of the handful of people in the history of the state that had a GOP legislative caucus called for the purpose of deciding how to deal with me. With that kind of heat my life has been under a microscope for a couple of years now. And by the time the third date rolled around (admittedly the first "planned" date), we had already talked for maybe twenty hours on personal issues, wants, and needs. She has read hundreds if not thousands of emails off our group email list every day for the last year, watched me take hits and hit back (politics is not a "nice" business), knows dozens of my friends.

Would you date someone for long if they wouldn't talk to you on the phone and they would see you once in three weeks? Lived only an hour away and in town often? Sure plenty of email contact, but doesn't that behaviour raise any red flags? Is the person afraid of intimacy (not sex, but getting closer)? Got a stable of men on a string so she needs to keep them at a distance? Maybe in a relationship already? Maybe unstable emotionaly? Maybe not over the last guy? Or maybe I was an option for her ? Lonely enough that I would "do" but not attracted enough to treat me with respect? Hell with that...

What would it hurt to continue seeing her? I suppose if I was a sociopath without feelings I could do it okay, but Sowrite, most men tend to get attached if they have found someone they like. If it wasn't going anywhere, get the heck out of there! If I wanted to hang out with a friend, I'd go out with one rather than spend time and money dating her. Dating is about learning about that person and how you feel about them which is why a lot of people expect a kiss on the first date to show that there is some spark or connection. When you don't get that confirmation and are told you aren't getting regular dates or phone calls returned, most guys are going to wonder what is under all those layers.

Did I tell her what I wanted? Yeah, after knowing her for over a year, talking dozens of hours (by the end of the third date) I told her I wanted her in my life, that I would respect her need to go slow but that I wanted regular phone calls and regular dates. We were long past the talk where she made it clear that she wouldn't be going out with me if I wasn't looking for a committed relationship.

To me this is about just how much she respected me and liked me and if she was capable of returning interest and affection. I can guarantee that I'd not put a person on the back burner if I respected them and was attracted to them, I'd make the time to see them. And I wouldn't be there to start with if I wasn't ready to do something.
 Betterthanblond1331
Joined: 5/29/2011
Msg: 35
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/13/2011 8:55:07 AM
Johnny

That is so sad! So women like me...have to suffer for what many other women of my age are doing! Yes, it's nice to have a younger, hard bodied man .. but in real life, I'm not younger any more and although I think I have a decent body, it's not the body of a 25 year old. There are many women over 40 who like men their own age. Personally, I prefer men 5+/-.

So I guess I should hang it up or settle for a 70 year old...thanks for the insite.
 Floramac
Joined: 7/7/2011
Msg: 36
Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?
Posted: 7/14/2011 2:32:24 AM
you'll probably have to deal w/ the same crap (eventually ) that you saw when you were 35
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Is there any differnce when dating a woman my own age after 50?