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 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 81
How long before you see the othersons TRUE side?Page 4 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
She tells me she has a 'heart of gold' on a coffee date.

She says her ex bf is a CEO of a 'Fortune 500' company. Wow.

What happened I ask?

"He wouldn't leave his wife and 3 kids"

Sweety, you ain't got a heart of gold, you've got deep pockets.

Took 30 minutes to see her true colors.

"I'm not high maintenance"...heard that a few times too, lmao
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 82
How long before you see the othersons TRUE side?
Posted: 10/2/2014 7:18:21 AM

On another note if I had a dime for every time I've heard 'I'm not like other men'....almost makes me gag now


At least I try to be honest. I am a man, I am a pig. I am shallow and like attractive women. I am shallow and love sex.

However I admit, I cry watching emotional movies. And I DO put the toilet seat down. Hehehe.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 83
How long before you see the othersons TRUE side?
Posted: 10/2/2014 7:40:54 AM

And I DO put the toilet seat down. Hehehe.


But do you replace the toilet paper when the roll runs out and make sure it unrolls the proper way?
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 84
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How long before you see the othersons TRUE side?
Posted: 10/2/2014 7:48:07 AM
I, personally have seen that usually within 3-6 months the "peacock feathers" come off and you get a better idea of who you're actually dealing with...That can happen even faster when living together...

While we all see what we want in the infatuated stage and tend to downplay any negatives, it's when that stops that you get a good look at who you're actually trying to "relate" to....and yes, it encompasses that person's reactions/behaviour in a variety of situations...
I think that if someone behaves consistently for a lengthy period of time, as in a year or more...you have a pretty good idea of who that person is...That's not to say that people don't change.
I've recently had a separation of sorts from my sister, whom I've known my whole life, when I realized that she has become a person that I don't really want close in my life, despite the fact that she's my sister...
Or maybe she really WAS that person and I just didn't see it...It can be difficult to know for sure what is you not wanting to see, and the other person not showing what they don't think will be acceptable.
Suffice it to say, as others have pointed out here already, there are NO guarantees, no matter how well you know someone that they won't wake up some day and decide that they want to be someone completely different and set out to do that...
I think that if you feel like someone is "hiding" things from you after a reasonable period of time, say a year, then you have to ask yourself some questions, and them, too!!!
 the_summerwind
Joined: 9/11/2014
Msg: 85
How long before you see the othersons TRUE side?
Posted: 10/2/2014 8:08:42 AM

imo, if your now older & much wiser, a year & a half or about two years or so together might be long enough in showing each others ups & downs, true colors or otherwise in picking "the keeper" and vise verse with you.


Ps, I also like to add to my earlier opinion here...... that for you, u don't have to live full time together with said person either in the beginning....as in the 1 1/2 to 2 years of first knowing each others particulars.

imo...... things will play out in each think each other would make a good union together or not.
Remember its between you both... that matters in the short to long term of it......alone or together. full time or part time...or not at all. good luck to those who still seek....
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 86
How long before you see the othersons TRUE side?
Posted: 10/2/2014 8:37:45 AM
"heart of gold" sometimes ends up meaning, "you know, worn on a chain around my neck?"

I liked the comment about building furniture from IKEA, did that once visiting people in NYC. the directions weren't clear about whether the top of cabinet went on top of the sides, or between the sides, and our first attempt resulted in a lean. it WAS a great view on who could problem-solve, and who sat back to drink white zin and offer advice from the sidelines. But she was hot, and to paraphrase the movie, "Uncle Buck", I wouldn't have minded putting a load in her washer (that's a fastener joke, and I wouldn't mind going fastener).

I still say, however, the more you want to see the truth, the sooner you'll see it. And if you want to find "Something", you'll "see" it even sooner than that. But if you don't want to find anything, you won't until it nips you in the ass.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 87
How long before you see the othersons TRUE side?
Posted: 10/2/2014 2:20:23 PM

But do you replace the toilet paper when the roll runs out and make sure it unrolls the proper way?


And by god, you better place the cap back on the toothpaste!!!!
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 88
How long before you see the othersons TRUE side?
Posted: 10/2/2014 3:34:39 PM
I think it is more a case of the rose coloured glasses come off, after the initial "falling in love" which can make us blind and deaf lol! It is that your perceive the person as they really are, but in some cases they may project a persona that is not their true selves,but how counter productive is that? Nothing like day to day living to bring you back down to earth. I would say most people co-habit for financial reasons and convenience but after a month???? Whoa....
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 89
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How long before you see the othersons TRUE side?
Posted: 10/2/2014 9:20:30 PM
Perhaps his/her behaviour changes because what 'they' discover about us. How long did it take for them to realize you were not all they thought you were?

Ive not had this issue but I have also only had 3 serious relationships in my life. The first two ran their course rather than some great change in the guy.

Perhaps the other person isn't so bad as much as we have built up expectations . We women are notorious for this. We know we can't change a man but still expect him to change. Men, of course, are notorious for not seeing past the physical attraction...wears thin after a while.

The 'other ' person doesn't dupe us as much as we willingly dupe ourselves. Then, nothing more pathetic than ranting on later about a partner's faults as if they are the devil incarnate. No, they are the exact same individual you were in love with. You didn't see it at all?...not too bright.

We just have realized that this is not the person we want as a partner...doesn't mean that 'they' have revealed anything...more that we, ourselves, have become less infatuated and more rational.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 90
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How long before you see the othersons TRUE side?
Posted: 10/3/2014 4:14:35 AM

Perhaps the other person isn't so bad as much as we have built up expectations . We women are notorious for this. We know we can't change a man but still expect him to change. Men, of course, are notorious for not seeing past the physical attraction...wears thin after a while.


Ummm...speak for yourself, there....I learned a LOOOONNNG time ago that trying to "change" ANYBODY is an exercise in futility...and am no longer interested in even ATTEMPTING it...I believe that's a young or inexperienced woman's "game"It also smacks of co-dependance...As for men not seeing past the physical attraction...Again,not ALL men do that either....As for expectations,yes, we all have to be careful not to get too carried away with what we want as opposed to what's really there.


The 'other ' person doesn't dupe us as much as we willingly dupe ourselves. Then, nothing more pathetic than ranting on later about a partner's faults as if they are the devil incarnate. No, they are the exact same individual you were in love with. You didn't see it at all?...not too bright.


Also not necessarily true...Some people are REALLY good at hiding who they really are for a LONG time...it has nothing to do with being "bright" or not...although I DO agree that we often participate in our own ignorance because we WANT to believe that they ARE the one for us...sometimes despite glaring red flags and/or unsavoury behaviours...

I think more importantly than knowing how long it takes to get to know someone is the belief that we can take care of ourselves if and when we find out that our prospective partner may have some flaws we're not willing to overlook, and remove ourselves from the situation...If you never take a chance, then you won't learn how to "see" things sooner and may even pass right on by the one that you are looking for...
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 91
How long before you see the othersons TRUE side?
Posted: 10/3/2014 5:28:34 AM
Othersons?

You mean to say "waiting for the other shoe to drop," there is no proverbial boot falling.

Uh, the honeymoon being over would translate to the infatuation (passion) being over. What you wrote doesn't make any sense.

Also in what context is the "honeymoon" over?

Because people aren't robots, vehicles, or buildings they don't come with any warranty.

"When do people stop being themselves and start being mean" <------------------ is the question you're asking. And its a question that could never be answered. You have to rely on what intelligence you have, good luck.
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 92
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How long before you see the othersons TRUE side?
Posted: 10/3/2014 7:01:04 AM
^^^ CTRL

True. Thus why this is a repeated experience for some in life. Hard to know if they seek out drama or aren't bright enough to avoid it.

The other person isn't an alien but human just like us. We develop social kills throughout life. When we meet the new partners of our siblings, friends, etc. is the immediate feeling - always 'what a great match?". No, it can be, but just as often is... "Hmmm...I wish them good luck but...." We can pick out a potential issue within 10 minutes of meeting a the new person, that our starry eyed friend hasn't picked up on after a half dozen dates.

Getting to know someone new is exciting and fun. My best feeling in the world is falling in love. We want to bond. Well adjusted adults recognize this natural high.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 93
How long before you see the othersons TRUE side?
Posted: 10/3/2014 7:20:02 AM
I'd rather focus on what I'm willing to accept rather then searching for issues. Slight difference in approach.

Compromising on good enough seems to be a more Mars specific trait:)

Notice how the thread was created by the Venus side of the world? Just saying...

Asked the guy grilling the steak where he got the steak? He responds, "Butcher on 12th street"

Asked the gal grilling the steak the same question. Her response, "Why? What's wrong with it?"
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 94
How long before you see the othersons TRUE side?
Posted: 10/3/2014 7:44:06 AM
There's also how people are compatible with each other. For instance. I was in a very tumultuous relationship with a woman for about 4 years. We fought all the time. She wanted to change me into something that I was not. So, could I say that I AM an argumentative guy that is picking battles all the time? When I look at that relationship, maybe.

Then I was with a woman that never argued, mainly because she was abused as a child by her mom and step father. Yet she was very passive aggressive. The moment we had one disagreement, she split with me. Now move forward to my current relationship. She is a rather calm woman, does not try to change me and loves to please. We've had however a couple of family crisis where we simply pulled together and worked like a team. At one point she indicated how controlling the previous relationship must had been, since I was expecting her to act like a previous one and she did not. We've also seen both of our dark sides, our moody sides, or pis sed off side and our angry sides and it's amazing to see that instead of ending up in fights, we understand each other and allowed the other one to work through whatever it was.

So, I don't think it's so much finally allowing yourself to come out, but how the chemistry of togetherness works, and how you complement each other during ups and downs.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 95
How long before you see the othersons TRUE side?
Posted: 10/3/2014 8:25:07 AM
four years? people get a diploma in that time :) hope you got a good education in return for that investment of time.

I don't think the choice is the deciding factor, so much as the length of time. We all make "wrong turns", what is a factor is how soon you turn around. either you wish to, or the "cost" isn't as high as the "return"
 Iam_RFSF2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 97
How long before you see the othersons TRUE side?
Posted: 10/3/2014 8:55:28 AM

I'd rather focus on what I'm willing to accept rather then searching for issues. Slight difference in approach.

Compromising on good enough seems to be a more Mars specific trait:)


I dunno. I have been labelled 'the Queen of Good Enough' before. And one thing that made my marriage 'work' for as long as it did was my ability to accept 'good enough' in many ways.

So I'm not sure it's ALWAYS a male vs female thing. I'm flexible about a lot of stuff in a relationship. And ... I've struggled a lot more with men who have done the:

"I love you, You're Perfect, Now Change!'

thing than me wanting to change them. I figure if there is something fundamental to both of us that we can't see eye to eye on, it doesn't make sense to pound that square peg in a round hole but instead find someone who IS compatible.

That being said, I also think that I've been burned by the guy who found me 'good enough' .. until someone else who was BETTER came along. I want to feel like the person I am involved with, sleep with, etc is a pretty good fit - and therefore I'm going to really be invested, try to make it work.

I was crazy about a man who (about 1.5 years in to our relationship) said to me ( we were talking about a nutty female friend of his landlord who kind of came on to him) "I'm not that selective about whose bed I get into, but even I wouldn't sleep with her..."

And wow. "Not that selective". That hurt, because I am selective -- he was incredibly special and special to me!

And, of course, in hindsight when I found out some of the things that were going on (I suspected but never had proof till he fessed up, 6 months after the fact, with the explanation that he just wanted me to know that I COULD trust my gut feelings after all, sigh) I guess he wasn't all that selective.
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 98
How long before you see the othersons TRUE side?
Posted: 10/3/2014 9:53:06 AM
I dunno. I have been labelled 'the Queen of Good Enough' before.


I've been labeled "The King of Anything." And as soon as I got that label, Sara Bareilles would come up to me just to start arguments. She would start by exclaiming that I didn't know her. I mean, all I was trying to do was drink my coffee, then she got in my face telling me that she didn't need me.

And honestly I never disagreed, I didn't even say anything. But that didn't stop her from posing this sarcastic, and rhetorical question - "who died, and made you king of anything?"

I mean she was crazy, telling me I was lost, and that I had no direction. Then she said she was making maps I think, and that I was using her name or something. I tried to be civil, but she snarled at me, telling me I had the talking down, but not the listening. And I think that was a little hypocritical, because I didn't even get to finish a single sentence.

Later that afternoon she was arrested for indecent exposure. In addition to twerking, in a no twerking zone.... pfft... pop artists these days. Am I right?
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 99
How long before you see the othersons TRUE side?
Posted: 10/3/2014 1:24:29 PM
ever consider why she wanted your attention so much?
 the_summerwind
Joined: 9/11/2014
Msg: 100
How long before you see the othersons TRUE side?
Posted: 10/3/2014 5:01:19 PM

Ive not had this issue but I have also only had 3 serious relationships in my life. The first two ran their course rather than some great change in the guy.


Me too....imo , its said u have 3 great & wonderful loves in your life............ as they run their course...... as the first one in the early years in life.........remembering him or her......then you have the one...in your rearing the family years...20 years for me, then then your over 50 years of age... the one last person to take your breath away S/O years .......

imo....... Activemelaney...... glad u have made it there.... one more & hopefully.... the very last, of times !!!!! cheers
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 101
How long before you see the othersons TRUE side?
Posted: 10/6/2014 1:31:07 PM
ClooneysTutor- I agree about focusing on what you are and aren't willing to accept. I'm not so sure about "good enough" or "compromising". How's that different from settling? I'm past the notion of star crossed lovers, fairy tales, prince charming, etc.
However, a relationship that's based on "good enough"?! I almost think I would rather be hated, at least there would be some passion in it.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 102
How long before you see the othersons TRUE side?
Posted: 10/7/2014 9:19:41 PM
I think, in general, men are more forgiving then women. We'll tolerate more so we're not alone. Yes, this is a generalization. Check.

I was mocking women in general when I said that I'd rather focus on what I'm 'ok with' rather then 'finding things'.

Ok, she doesn't make as much as me nor is as educated, but she adores me and is easy to talk to.

You know, women are also concerned about what a man has as much as who he IS. If he ain't got money, he better be good at providing something else!

It's all in jest, but...I do think there's some truth to that generalization:)

 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 103
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How long before you see the othersons TRUE side?
Posted: 10/19/2014 11:56:56 PM

How long before you see the other's TRUE side ?


When the reality kicks in, but some people are so desperate to have some one to be with, until they realize they are battered physically and emotionally that they can't take no longer..
 Worbug
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 104
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How long before you see the othersons TRUE side?
Posted: 10/20/2014 12:26:56 PM
Post #84 Nice Post

Kinda of funny, the OP claims she hides nothing concerning her personality. Yet she felt the need to start a thread wondering how long before her sig other reveals his true side. Cannot give him the benefit of the doubt, yet she is only half heart invested as she stated in one of her post.

There are things that change peoples views of others, and it's not necessaryily the "True Side" comming out, sometimes the person you are with evolve from external effects.

As far as the OP original question "How long before you see the othersons (?) True Side"?

When you prove you are not worthy of any effort.

I honestly think if I knew the woman I am dating had a predetrmination that I was something I was not and felt the need to go on a dating site to get adivce from a bunch of other bitter women, I would probably just move on. She is not showing her "True SIde"!! This shows a lack of trust and I would always have to prove myself instead of just being in a caring relationship.

As far as marriage goes, completely overated in this day and age. The only people marriage is good for are the Lawyers!!


Kinda sitting here wondering what the post would be like if the OP's man was to start a post "How Long before the girls I am seeing gets obese" or "How long before the girl I am dating becomes a controlling B#$ch" because the women he dated before her were like that.
 Iam_RFSF2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 105
How long before you see the othersons TRUE side?
Posted: 10/20/2014 12:43:06 PM

I honestly think if I knew the woman I am dating had a predetrmination that I was something I was not and felt the need to go on a dating site to get adivce from a bunch of other bitter women, I would probably just move on. She is not showing her "True SIde"!! This shows a lack of trust and I would always have to prove myself instead of just being in a caring relationship.


I've had the same reaction to this conversation - what is with all the 'waiting for the other shoe to drop'. Is that REALLY a good way to start?

I can see taking one's time in terms of making a big decision - marriage, living together, etc. Not because you are expecting the worst, but because it makes sense, but this thread seemed overly pessimistic.

I am just starting out with a guy who I'm becoming fonder and fonder towards. But this has been a bit of a stumbling block a bit for us. His last girlfriend was very 'volatile' (for lack of a nastier term) and things ended up pretty terribly for them/him. According to his telling, she didn't show this side for a good month+.

He's asked me multiple times if this is really who I am, when is he going to see the other side of me, etc. I'm not unsympathetic and I do get where he's coming from...... I've told him to just continue to get to know me (without jumping in with both feet too soon) Hopefully he'll see that the person he's gone out with so far really is the person I am (which isn't to say I'll never have a bad day, etc but I'm fairly conflict averse so all the fighting he did with her, he won't get with me, no way).

Less folks think I'm a total pushover - I've also told him that as much as I sympathize and hate that she was awful, I can't make up for that. He seems to be getting more comfortable with the concept that I might just be 'ok' (ha! teasing me a bit, of course I am) and this past weekend things definitely felt more like a moving forward vs a guarding against a repeat of the past.
 TerrieLynnC70
Joined: 6/22/2013
Msg: 106
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How long before you see the othersons TRUE side?
Posted: 10/20/2014 1:38:24 PM
I don't think you can set a time limit on this.............but you can't live your life wondering about all the what if's..................
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