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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > I know I should be running away but.....      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Malley
Joined: 5/12/2007
Msg: 26
I know I should be running away but.....Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Ryan, I too am sorry for what you are going through.

Be grateful you found out what she's really like sooner rather than later.

The fact both of you are still paying off your wedding leads me to question whether she had more interest in putting on a display for a day than she had in the marriage aspect.

Based on the fact that you still care deeply for her, my suggestion would be to steer clear of her, once this wedding is over. Why would you want to remain friends with someone who obviously lacks basic communication skills who also knowingly and callously hurt you? For her to be discussing other men with you is nothing shy of cruel. You're being a sucker for punishment by allowing her to repeatedly do this.

It appears to me she has a passive-aggressive disorder, of some sort.

Run Forest Run!!
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 27
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 11:41:56 AM
OP, I have no doubt you were ready for marriage and you are still holding up more than your end of love by being the person she can trust when she needs someone.

Hopefully this example can help you understand life:
When my daughter turned 18 her boyfriend of 2 years started to insist that they get married; they had dated for over 2 1/2 years at this point. He had traveled across the United States with his band and believed she was the best thing there was out there. She loved him but she wasn't ready to get married. He stopped acting like her boyfriend and started pouting; silent and moody. When he got some money he spent it all on himself in six weeks times so that when their anniversary came he had none to buy her a gift or take her out. I realized he was angry about the situation. His pressure caused her to withdrawal totally from him and they broke up.

For a year she didn't date anyone else, he moved in with the next girl and is still with her. They are no longer friends after he verbally attacked her on formspring when someone asked how could he go from being with a girl who was a ten to seeing a zero. He thought her friends that had asked it but ends up all of his friends hated the new girl.

My daughter went thru so much to be TRUE to herself and what she wanted in life, giving up someone she loved who was trying to manipulate her into doing only what would satisfy him. He changed when he didn't get his way. This was a very important thing for her to have learned about his true character; something only time would have taught her.

The point is when you are young who you are one day isn't who you might be the next day. You are constantly evolving, making decisions, regretting those decisions and making new ones. It is easy for older people to point and say ...ok this was your first mistake and this is your second. The bottom line is you have to be TRUE to yourself and what your heart tells you to do balanced by the reason from your brain.

If you know you love this girl and want to spend your life with her and feels she might have made a bad decision then you owe it to yourself to find out WHY she feels it would work this time. I am not saying allow her to play on your emotions and use you so she isnt lonely. In the end you will have to live with the decision you make and if you chose to *run away make sure that it isnt with looking over your shoulder wondering what might have been for the rest of your life.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 28
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I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 11:42:46 AM
You've heard people say children shouldn't be having children? This is like that only very young adults shouldn't be getting into marriages. I have no idea how old she is, she's sounds very immature, but if you were married three years ago and you are only 23 now, then you got married way too young. It sounds like high school dating, she's likes you because you are there but she likes that other guy too but she not sure he really likes her much or just for sex or whatever, so keeping you on a string so she can count on you to be there if the other guy doesn't ask her to the dances...

She has no idea what she wants, she hasn't experienced enough life to be doing anything more than casually dating, and she should not be trying to be in exclusive relationships at all. Stop wasting your youth trying to make something out of thin air. Date, have fun, meet lots of people and get a good idea of the kind of person you'd like to be with later, when you are mature and ready to settle down. Right now, you should be having fun.

Obviously she was not ready for marriage, and while you are so sure you were, you were not at all aware that you were with someone who was not ready. So your view that you were good at this marriage stuff is shown to be not true when your marriage broke up after only 4.5 months. You are living in a dream world, neither of you were at all ready to be married. She for the obvious reason of leaving you for someone else (that you refuse to see) and you for marrying someone so unready for marriage. It's not just about one person, you married someone who couldn't make it half a year, and you did not even recognize it, in fact you are still thinking it's all going to work out, while she's floundering in this mess, you are looking to catch her again. You would do this all over again! You are blindly living in a bubble and you will again be surprised when it pops, when in reality it's going to.
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 29
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 11:51:16 AM

I need to take some time and see what happens with things not involving her


If you were younger...I'd adopt you.

Mowtown...you know I'm not a pusher of "cut and run"...but Ryan...what I would have needed to see from her is "I am so sorry and I made a terrible mistake and regret it. And, even though I was scared by the marriage thing...I would really like to work this out and see what happens down the road". Not...BTW...my guy might be here at the wedding. You even told her she could come back if she chose. That was her sh1t or get off the pot wake-up call. She let it go to voicemail.

What I see is a grass is greener than yours. Sorry. And...it turns out that her first attempt might be artificial turf. She will most likely...if allowed...graze in your pasture until she spots another.

Imagine the life you'd have for the next 18 years and beyond if there was a child(ren) involved. You are both young. You have your sh1t together...it seems and she needs to gather hers...on her own.
 ryeguy1988
Joined: 3/8/2011
Msg: 30
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I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 12:14:29 PM
daynadaze, I think you misunderstood, we were dating for about 3.5 years until we got married last september, im currently 23, she is 22.

I appreciate you taking your time to comment, however, I do not appreciate you claiming I was not prepared for such a thing, yes I was(and still am) young, if everything is seemingly going great and within a turn of a month or so where there is stress beyond our controls(within our families) things begin to go downhill, I tried to communicate with her but unfortunately that was one of her weak spots, that we had been working on.

and also while I can speculate and you can speculate, neither of us have a real knowing on if there was someone else she left me for or not, the only reason I suspect not is because shortly after we split up we had some "heated conversations" and both of us said some hurtful things at the time(heat of the moment on my behalf anyhow) and I think she would have said then, maybe not but who knows.

Did I say it would work out in my posts? No, I did not, do I think I could ever forgive her if she did try to come back? Most likely not. Am I disappointed how this all ended? Of course, why wouldn't I be.

The type of person I am is that I try to be helpful to everyone, this can be very difficult sometimes especially with her, that is one of the things I need to work on.

again I appreciate you taking your time but I'd also appreciate you don't make presumptions like you know all about my life and my previous marriage.

Thank you,
Ryan
 foreverstacey
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 31
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 12:25:47 PM
Ryan, YOU don't get it. If you were ready for marriage, you would have recognized in her that she wasnt. I can tell she wasn't and I don't even know her.

Now, I don't even think you're ready for a commitment, let alone to even start dating. Why are you in such a rush??? Why are you wanting to settle down so quickly?? SLOW DOWN. Like I said before, I think theres more wrong in not being nervous about getting married at all VS being a little nervous.
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 32
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 12:32:02 PM

does it sound like she is maybe interested again, or is it all just head games and should I run away? I have told her that as long as I am not in a committed relationship I would always try again, emphasis on try as it would be very difficult to fully forgive her for all she has put me through especially when she could not give me a suitable reason as to why she was ending things.


Yea OP...you did say you're up for "trying again"...

Let me paraphrase you OP, the way you're posting in this thread:

Thank you for your opinions everyone...now STFU.

Basically, OP...what I see is a low level of maturity...a poor picker of a mate...and someone who asks an opinion, yet, doesn't wanna hear it.
 Skotch
Joined: 5/12/2010
Msg: 33
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I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 12:36:01 PM
This is how I see it.

This "other" guy, she sees probably once a week. They do something that might qualify as a date but really is just pretense to go screw like rabbits. He gets up and leaves afterwards. He doesn't want a relationship and she knows it, hence why she keeps sleeping with him.

You are there to fulfill her subconscious desire to have a relationship. She doesn't want you. She doesn't see you romantically other than a children's book relationship. You're not her type she's thinking. You're nice though, and she feels good about talking to you about stuff. She doesn't want to hurt you and say she's been screwing this other guy three different ways from Monday, and its not entirely a lie that she's saying they have some issues and may not exactly be a couple (or that she's pretty sure he won't show for the friend's wedding).

So she's got her girlfriend, pillow talk person (you) and her **** buddy (the other guy).
Its your call, but I don't think you're going to be more than a friend anymore and she's just using you to soothe her guild about sleeping with this guy who has no intentions of ever having a relationship with her.
 ryeguy1988
Joined: 3/8/2011
Msg: 34
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I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 12:45:01 PM
I appreciate all the words of wisdom and the majority of them do make sense to me, I told her when we split up(because of course I didnt want the split up to happen) that as long as im not in a commited relationship that I would try again, I realize that in hindsight I picked "poorly" but what most don't understand is that, and she admits to this completely everything was excellent until about a month before we split up, I mean maybe other people can see through things not being great and take them as being horrible, I call that being very negative.

big bad nirish I don't see how im saying anything along the lines of STFU, i really do appreciate the feedback im getting, however, I don't necessarily appreciate the criticism im getting, as my question was not did I marry to young or am I to immature.

at 21-22 I was attending class, working two jobs, I am now finished my post secondary schooling, I am working at what I fully expect to be my career job as a Network Administrator for a good sized corporation. I've(well we did) been able to save up most of enough to pay for a wedding and had we been still together it would have been paid off by now.

i think that would be quite unheard of for someone at the age of 23, most people I know are still working at call centres or going to school.
 ryeguy1988
Joined: 3/8/2011
Msg: 35
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I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 12:48:58 PM
Skotch that is very possible, which is one of the reasons why after the wedding were attending(after because I dont want any more ackwardness there then there will be)

I will be telling her straight up, hey its been great but I would prefer not to carry on the friendship thing leave it at that.

Thanks
 gardenias2
Joined: 1/13/2011
Msg: 36
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 12:56:48 PM
The part that is so confusing to me and keeping me in a bit of a cycle is that we were together for just over 3 years when we got married, I was very comfortable with everything, on my wedding day I was not nervous at all, I was just so sure of everything. Well fast forward 4.5 months from the wedding day and she left me, she couldn't give me much of a reason, everyone suggested maybe someone else but I don't think that was the case, but I will never really know.


ryan, i think you need to move to italy for 6 months and learn a few things. there is no way an italian in italy would not know the reason his wife of 4.5 months left him. he would be at her door demanding an explanation. if she called the police they would probably help him and ask her what the problem is so the poor guy can get a good nights sleep.

when a partner of mine walks outs without reason for whatever amount of time, even a day, i don't talk to him until he tells me what the heck is going on. there is no other convo until that point.

i've never had someone walk out for good, without explanation, however if i was in your shoes, she would be explaining it all within a few hours of me asking. you deserve to know.
 ryeguy1988
Joined: 3/8/2011
Msg: 37
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I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 1:02:27 PM
lol I have tried to get an explanation, best I could get was, she lost that feeling, but she could never go into further detail as to how or why or anything.......she genuinly seemed like she felt bad but, lol, yeah, thats a load of crap, for a lack of being able to think of a better way to explain it.


EDIT to respond to a couple of posts down. thats enough of a reason if your jsut in a relationship, but during a marriage when it happens so quickly, Im a strong beleive in you dont just fall out of love, and well if you do then there should be more of a story behind it, maybe it was just the immaturity but I dont know.
 gardenias2
Joined: 1/13/2011
Msg: 38
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 1:06:14 PM
at this point tell her you need to talk to her or just show up at her place. say you can't sleep well and need to get over this depression. you loved her and you deserve closure. you need her to explain things in a way that you can understand and get on with your life.
 foreverstacey
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 39
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 1:07:11 PM
She lost that feeling IS enough of an explanation. What more does he need??? Holy cow

Edit to above:

Maybe she never loved you, maybe she was using you. Maybe you were a phase in her life... people use people ALL the time. Even more when you get married so young, she didn't have an opportunity to date others.. you were maybe her first or one of her firsts. She probably realized she just committed to somebody for the rest of her life before even experiencing anything else.And you were still "just in a relationship" .. you were married 4 and a half months, which is nothing. Stop acting like you were married 12 years with 3 kids.

and why are you lying in your profile? I assume you're still married... not "single"
 ryeguy1988
Joined: 3/8/2011
Msg: 40
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I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 1:22:54 PM
regardless of the length of a marriage when its over it can still affect someone greatly, I obviously realize the difference between a marriage with children would be messier of a break and am thankful that was not the case, maybe she never did love me, I can only assume at this point, but I mean I would assume that if not she would not have married me and agreed to throw the money out the window. I wasn't her first I know that, shes dated for awhile before we went out. Im sure she did realize she wasn't ready to settle down for the rest of her life.

I am technically seperated, but am obviously embarrassed by the fact a little bit and that is discussed with anyone I chat with before we even think about meeting up at all.
 foreverstacey
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 41
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 1:28:09 PM
Not trying to take away from your hurt, but I think she gave you an explanation. I think you dont accept it, which is your choice, but it is what it is. She couldn't have been dating much before you though... since she would have been 19 or so when you started dating. Not much dating can be done in that time, at least not enough to get married. As you grow older, you'll understand that and probably will realize you weren't ready either, as much as you felt like you were. Again, you were likely a phase she was going through. Its unfortunate, but it happens in young marriages the most... most people don't realize it until later on, so be thankful she discovered early on in your marriage.
 ryeguy1988
Joined: 3/8/2011
Msg: 42
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I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 1:33:23 PM
I hear what your saying, and in the future I will prolly look back and say what the **** were you thinking, I know that she wasnt ready as its obvious in her actions. the main reason I think it is that I deserved more of an explanation was because of how she told me, she didn't sound so sure herself, how am I supposed to beleive that she just lost those feelings if she doesn't seem to portray that, I mean she did portray it in how she acted, its just kind of hard to explain what I mean in terms of when she told me she wasn't overly convincing. but hey maybe that was just be being in denial but I don't know.


Edit:
really KreweOf2, im just asking for advice, no need to try to be harsh.
 KreweOf2
Joined: 7/15/2010
Msg: 43
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 1:34:52 PM
Who cares if she is interested again?? She is only wanting you because things aren't working out with the guy she cheated on you with!!

If you can live with someone that flops like a crappie... have at her! But we'll see you in the forums again, crying how she left you.... again!


ETA: don't for a minute think that just because she didn't blurt out she had an affair (which, I'm positive she did) in the "heat of the moment" that it means she didn't. People have, will, and will continue to deny cheating to their very last breath.
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 44
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 1:44:53 PM
Holy fvckin' crap OP.
STOP..... just STOP.
You've said thank you's a plenty! Why not just try using some of that useful information instead of wasting time making excuses, making yourself out to be wonderful and understanding and do something about it.
Your upset we get that... It's normal. Reach down and make sure you still have balls left and move on.
 ryeguy1988
Joined: 3/8/2011
Msg: 45
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I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 1:51:48 PM
..... I am actually if you felt the need to comment then im sure you read my response above about planning to cut ties with her after the wedding of our mutual friends, yes if someone gives me advice I will thank them for it, that would be the polite way to do things. Ive also pointed out that obviously im not perfect since I was 50% of the relationship and not all on her if it didnt work out......my initial post was asking for advice on if people think she is trying to tell me she is interested in me basically, I didnt say that I wanted her to be, I didn't say I didn't want her to be, like I said if she did try to comeback theres a really good possibilty that I wouldn't be able to take her back due to all that has happened, if I had no balls then I would say "whatever it is she wanted to hear and be fully willing to take her back at any time" which i am not.

yeah I might have said when we split up that id be willingt o give it a shot in the future if I was not in a relationship, thats because I beleive in second chances if someone earns it and marriage is not something to be taken lightly, thats not saying the trying=success by any means
 gardenias2
Joined: 1/13/2011
Msg: 46
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 3:38:21 PM
ryan, some of the posters here have the sensitivity of a pile of rocks in the desert. i personally have enjoyed your good manners and thank you's. and yes everyone deserves closure, it's very cruel on her part to leave you hanging after saying so few words. sometimes it takes crying and yelling to get at the truth and someones genuine feelings. and sometimes quite a few conversations.

a decent person would seriously want you to understand to help you get on with your life. it can take twice as long to get over someone when this ending is emotionally traumatic from a quick break that is illogical and unexpected. i think she's leaving you confused to be able to keep you around when she wants you. expert manipulators know how to keep their victims off balance thru confusion. much easier to manipulate them that way.

don't go to the dam wedding unless she does everything in her power to help you get closure and peace from all the mess she caused.
 garvey14
Joined: 6/6/2011
Msg: 47
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 3:48:28 PM
Being at someone's beckon call does not make you a friend it makes you a lap dog. you sound like a decent guy so if you are being serious there are plenty of women out there that would appreciate that. Now in reality she is obviously taking advantage of that fact and using you. For some it is a sick game, for others, well they simply lack boundaries or common decency.
 ryeguy1988
Joined: 3/8/2011
Msg: 48
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I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 3:49:00 PM
lol I appreciate your kind words Gardenias2, im in the wedding as its my best friend and one of her best friends getting married so were both in it and happen to be paired up to leave the church together,m but thats not the fact. The sensitivity of other people is fine as im not looking for pity etc. was just asking for advice which you have all provided, whether it was advice i asked for or advice on something else the people decided to be experts on. its all good, I now know what my best course of action is , I knew what it was in the first place I guess i just needed some help into seeing that i wasnt be to near sighted on the matter
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 49
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 5:23:30 PM
"Ok well one of the reasons I am on POF is to get back into the dating world and too see what is out there."

You will learn young padawon that your failed logic starts from this statement alone
 gardenias2
Joined: 1/13/2011
Msg: 50
I know I should be running away but.....
Posted: 7/7/2011 6:24:43 PM
If she WAS cheating, then no, you're likely to never get that closure because cheaters aren't honest people, and she probably IS keeping you on the backburner in that case. If she wasn't cheating when she left you? Then perhaps once some time has passed, you might get the answer you are seeking.


why on earth would you steer him away from confrontation and getting closure? its extremely painful to many when there is no closure. have you ever experienced it? shoots i'd advise him to hire a private detective before i would tell him to suck it up.

and to the other posters who think they are too young to know anything. in my early twenties i was very clear with guys about how i felt in relationships. what made me happy and what made me leave them. very clear, no one was left remotely confused.
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