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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Great date then............ nothing      Home login  
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 ChrisD1957
Joined: 12/20/2010
Msg: 26
Great date then............ nothingPage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Sandy, this is more common than you would think and really a waste of time to try and figure out what goes through the mind of others. There are so many different reasons why they didnt call back and...who cares. From what I have seen and read in your profile you will not have a problem. In the near future you will be hard pressed to even remember going on these dates.
 Dreamer_in_SC
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 27
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 3:06:32 PM

every guy on this site is so shady!!!


gee thanks for lumping ALL of us guys together under one stereotype.


i cant tell you how many times..vie been screwed over like this


sure you could but the threads would likely get deleted.

However, OP ending a date with a hug is NOT a good ending. The hug and the feeling of being on the spot to say something like see you again is the exit and then later comes the reflection and thinking back to what was said during the date.

IMO it is not the first impressions that matter the most, it is what they remember about you during the time spent with you that matters more because those are the thoughts that will be associated with you to decide if they should call you again.

Try it yourself. Think back to the things that took place during the date... do you remember what they first looked like or do you remember something funny said, something they did, or a feeling you felt?

It is more than likely if all there was at the end is a hug then they are either shy or not interested. For myself at least I reserve the hugs for being nice, being interested includes a lip check to test for fit and functionality.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 28
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 3:12:41 PM
My point was....his lack of kissing until date 3 was no indication of where the relationship was going to go past that point.

I understand that, butwe aren't talking about situations that are anywhere close to equivalent. In your case, no one initiated a kiss, so I agree that no kiss means nothing. The situation I'm talking about is completely diffierent. I didn't expect a woman to initiate a kiss. I was initiating a kiss, so she didn't have the option to do nothing. She could either deflect the kiss or kiss me back, so no kiss in that stuation does mean something. If she didn't kiss me that wasn't necessarily the end of the line. It meat that I wasn't going to call her for a second date. She was always free to call me and say something that convinced me I was too hasty. I didn't expect that to happen and in practice, it didn't happen.

You do have to understand that not all men think and act the way you do. In my experience, very FEW seem to think the way you do.

Well, I don't really see the results that most people get from thinking the way most people think to be very satisfactory, so that isn't really a valid objection.

Maybe women are easier to read then men are.

If women were the least bit easy to read, I would never have thought to base any judgment about a woman's interest on a first date kiss, since I could have just read her instead. I did judge a woman's interest by a first date kiss precisely because women are impossible to read and seem to have turned that into an art form. I became disenchanted with relying on optimism that wasn't justified by any evidence I could divine though clairvoyance or a Ouija board, so I found an alternative I can read. If I expected sex on a first date as an indicator of interest, that would have been over the top. But women kissed on first dates as far back as high school or even juniot high, so I didn't think it was over the top to expect a first date kiss from a woman of at least legal age in 2011.

Mr. Ultimo is a prime example of what I am talking about. This man doesn't even hug at the end of the date....and would probably think negatively if a girl tried. A girl is not going to know how he is, in the long run.

After reading a number of his posts, I'd agree with you. However, I don't think the women I want to date are the type to put up with that sort of game playing and indifference. Those who don't want to put up wuth that have choices. He may be a prime example of what you are talking about, but I don't think he's representative of very many men.
 KAT4EVR
Joined: 1/23/2005
Msg: 29
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History
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 3:22:20 PM
Just continue dating, eventually you will find that man who won't want to let you go. He will call you the next day and say what a great time he had. It does happen. Don't waste your time on these two men. They are not good enough for you. Just keep saying that.
Read the book, He's Just Not That Into You, it is good and dispels a lot of the myths of dating and why men do what they do or don't do.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 30
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 4:16:40 PM

..but sex on the second date was pretty much expected or else she failed test #2 regarding strength of her character. I tried to boil it down a bit.

I've never said any such thing. What I have said is that I expect sex on the second date because that is what has always happened for the last 25 years. That's the same as expecting the sun to rise in the morning because it always does. I've also said that if it dodn't happen by the second date, that I'd wait a few dates, although I'm not really sure how man, since I've never had to find out. I'm sure it wouldn't be very many, though I don't think many other people would wait all that long either.

I do find you to be at one extreme end of the spectrum where judgments and expectations

I've always thought my expectations were rather typical although expressing them may not be.
 safebetinvegas
Joined: 7/26/2007
Msg: 31
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History
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 4:27:43 PM
OP,

Just saw your msg #25 and I had to chime in.

First, PLENTY of not only good advice but "pearls" of wisdom from many posters thus far.

My main point is this, several gals have contacted me first, phone chats were great and the first, second and sometimes third dates were non-stop fun.

Then, as you said...crickets.

At first it bothered me (you called it rude behavior), but not for long as I came to realize years and years ago that things have drastically changed since people like us started dating as youngsters.

Do your best not to be fooled by people's words these days...wait for them to confirm what they say and go from there (Reagan said: "Trust but verify"). Be positive, yet don't "expect" another date (or a third, forth).

"An ounce of performance is worth a pound of promises". I believe Mae West said this.

Lastly, be open and live in the moment every once in awhile to give YOURSELF a change of pace.
 FatBottomGirI
Joined: 6/28/2011
Msg: 32
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 5:55:48 PM
Some people are incapable of being honest. I had a date a couple weeks ago with a nice guy from POF. He was a complete gentleman and called after the date to ask me out again. What I learned on the date is that he wants kids (he's a couple years younger). I have yet at thist point to have any interest in having children. I like them better when they belong to other people. I don't mind if he already has one, but I do not personally want my own.
I explained that to him and told him we're not compatible for that reason. Nice guy, going to make a woman that wants children, a good man. People need to learn to be honest and stop trying to lead people on.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 33
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 6:59:21 PM
OP....I have to ask...How old your pictures are...

Basically if YOU experience the same thing over and over...it's YOU, or something you're doing!


Talking too much?
Not talking enough?
Annoying voice, laugh phrase etc.?
Chances are it's something you're not even aware of but it's turning men off.


I often get women, during the chat/email/text stage "invite" me to FIX something or HELP with something at their house rather than just say they're comfortable enough to meet. That is when I stop contact...If they inquire as to why then I tell them....otherwise I just let it go...

Thing is...if they had just invited me over and during the course of conversation I picked up that they could use the help...90% of the time I'd offer. The 10% is when I detect that they were fishing for the offer...then it never comes... It's called playing games instead of saying what you want....I don't play well!
 FatBottomGirI
Joined: 6/28/2011
Msg: 34
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 7:02:56 PM
No, it was merely an example of what I feel is an appropriate way to be respectful of a date, even if you discover incompatibility. Rather than choosing to be rude and blow him off, be honest and move on.
 Sandy4779
Joined: 4/11/2011
Msg: 35
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 7:35:52 PM
Don't let them hug me? So many different opinions here on this board.
Actually, I hug every date hello as soon as I greet them. Breaks the ice.
 Sandy4779
Joined: 4/11/2011
Msg: 37
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 8:14:56 PM
My pictures are two months old. I had a 6 year relationship that ended last October.

When I approach my date and see that I am attracted to him, I get nervous and I think they sense that.

Every date I've been on where I am not attracted to the guy but enjoy him as a "friend", my personality shines through. They want to see me again but I don't....no need to lead anyone on.

I guess I've got to practice more.
 Diancarock1976
Joined: 11/23/2010
Msg: 38
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History
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 8:17:57 PM
Wow!! I learned alot from this thread, but dating to me is fun, I usually never have that chemistry from meeting a guy online, like OMIGOD I HAVE TO HAVE THIS MAN!! It's never happened. We go out we laugh we have a good time, and then I go home to my life, and I guess he goes home to his. That usually comes from talking on the phone alot, where I get my most connections from, so if I meet a guy online and he ask me out to quickly, I'll go, and have a good time, but he'll be more remembered from me, by us having good phone conversations!!!!
 nicol3y
Joined: 6/10/2011
Msg: 39
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 8:18:21 PM
[qupte] Is this a common occurrence?
Perhaps they were looking for a physical connection (hook-up) and you didn't put out.
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 40
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 8:20:05 PM

I agree. It just is something that happens when dating. Either you didn't feel it, or they didn't. This is why I like to meet as soon as possible. Its pointless to click online, on the phone, etc, then in real life there just is no chemistry. I have had a ton of dates that seemed to turn to vapor after the second date. Oh well, Next! You get used to it, it's dating..
+1
 Dreamer_in_SC
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 41
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/20/2011 8:54:12 PM
I have kissed someone and knew instantly that we were not a match. Not even the same kissing style. I always figured get that part out of the way and if it was a good kiss then that is the last thing on the mind about the date.

We are humans and in most cases it is the last bit of information that will be remembered the most. No better way to figure out if there will be a second date than to hang onto that kiss.

Shoot most of the times in the getting to know her stages that first kiss is the ice breaker...

Kissing someone is high school behavior?

I can imagine what kind of relationship you would have... affection is a major part of any relationship. Why shouldn't it also be a part of relationship formation?

My thought is if you are doing online dating just for hookups why are you online? To me at least online has a benefit of not wasting time meeting the wrong people because you can get to know the mind of the person first. You can get the mundane stuff out of the way before ever meeting them. With that information discussed prior to even meeting them it leaves the worry of not being mentally compatible reduced. That leaves physical and mannerisms.

I guess we are all different and that is a good thing. The huggers can find huggers and the kissers can find kissers.

As i said by offering my opinion it is that compatible affection should be important and if she didn't get a kiss and only got a hug only she is able to figure out if they were confident men or shy men.

Do you really think a confident man that knows how to kiss a woman and make it memorable to get a second date would miss that opportunity?...

NOPE.... you have to give them something to remember you by and think about you to have any chance of something more developing...

For me at least, if i reach that stage of meeting then that means i already know a great deal about her and nothing thus far clashes. Add physical attraction and nothing repulsive discovered during the first meet and greet and you have 1 chance to make sure there is a second date.

Unless you are 100% sure your chances for a second date are locked in (which is not always evident) might as well add that extra little bit.

As I think back I have never had an online date that didn't turn into something more that lasted at least a few months. That is mostly due to not wasting time running around meeting women that I know are not what I am looking for.

I guess I am not really the correct person to respond, since as far as the women that I have met online goes, the second dates were the next day after the first one. If things are clicking, keep going and let it take on its own form ("it" being the interactions between)

Just my perspective and observations.

You said Great date then nothing.. but was that a great date for both of you or a great date for you?

Did you communicate with them about what a great date would be?

Did you discuss with them if the activity you were on was something that they too enjoyed?

;) Did you treat them like they were one of your students? I know some teachers have an issue with that and being able to take that teacher hat off. You talk a certain way, you act a certain way, and you listen a certain way for most of your days all day long. When you are back in the real world and interacting with people that are not your students, think it might be hard to change modes?

Maybe that was the issue. Maybe they felt like they were back in school instead of on a date.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 42
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/21/2011 4:13:10 AM

Don't let them hug me? So many different opinions here on this board.
Actually, I hug every date hello as soon as I greet them. Breaks the ice.

Geez. I guess it never occured to you that a hug at the beginning of date might not be seen as an icebreaker except by guys with whom the ice might be better off left unbroken. Why do you assume every guy wants to hug you, just because you think hugging every guy you meet is like shaking hands? If you're going to hug your date, save it for the ones you want to see again and do it when you want to let them know you're interested in a way that makes your interest clear.

When I approach my date and see that I am attracted to him, I get nervous and I think they sense that.

Well, there's nothing like that hello hug to make your nervousness loud and clear to the person you're hugging. That nervousness can easily be interpreted as ``let's get this over with, so I can go home.''

Every date I've been on where I am not attracted to the guy but enjoy him as a "friend", my personality shines through. They want to see me again but I don't....no need to lead anyone on.

Too late for that. When you hugged him, you gave him a way to talk himself into believing you wanted to see him again if he wanted to see you again. That optimism may be unwarranted, but you fed the delusion or even created it. Did you ever stop to think that it might be a good idea to not break the ice with guys you don't want to encourage to call you for a second date?

I guess I've got to practice more.

I would think exercising a little common sense with regard to physical contact would go a long way toward avoiding any confusion.

have to disagree pretty much here, most times, esp when it came to meeting women online, well....women generally have a policy of not kissing on a first date anyhow, esp. if it was an online date.

If a woman is interested in you enough, she'll let you kiss her. Policies are a way of telling you not to expect a kiss, so that you don't just take it for granted that she'll kiss you because she agreed to go on a date with you. There are some women who probably would not kiss on a first date no matter what, but I think those are few, far between and not kissing on a first date is more about them being very indecisive or wary than it is about not kissing. Women in high school 30 years ago kissed on a first date. Society hasn't become more conservative since then.

So kissing on a first date or not, doesn't make much of a difference

I've had the exact opposite experience. I've always found that once a woman kisses me, it's clear sailing from that point on.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 43
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/21/2011 4:42:11 AM

I guess I am not really the correct person to respond, since as far as the women that I have met online goes, the second dates were the next day after the first one. If things are clicking, keep going and let it take on its own form ("it" being the interactions between)

Well, if you aren't the correct person to respond, at least your experience mirrors mine. If I hit it off with a woman on the first date, (meaning some real kissing takes place), there's no question about the second date and we'd be seeing each other the next day unless some unbreakable previous plans ruled it out. I'm not sure I've ever had to formally ask for a second date when I've hit it off on a first date, because, as you say, when you're clicking it just takes care of itself.
 Greatcatch12345
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 44
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/21/2011 5:08:47 AM
wow..ur gorgeous..if only u lived closer!!! LOL..
seriously though..it does happen quite often...there may have been something you said that turned them off...what was their body language like?/ was there any flirting? did they ask you alot of questions or talk about themselves?/ there's lots of sublimial messages that you have to look real hard at. I would have to know alot more..(or be a fly on the wall) to ascertain what exactly happened.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 45
view profile
History
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/21/2011 7:38:39 AM
I'm guilty of this behavior, and I'm sure many others are as well. It just seems "expected" that you say something at the end of the initial meeting about calling them later. Sometimes when I say that, I know I won't be calling. Sometimes, I have not yet made up my mind.

I think the biggest problem in this thread is the lack of differentiation between short, initial meetings, and actual first dates. Women usually prefer the initial meeting to take place in daylight, in a very public place. This does not lend itself to kissing. When I do ask a woman out on a real date, dinner or movie or whatever, then I expect to do some kissing. And I do not mean a single quick peck when saying good night.

I have been on many initial meetings. More than I would care to count. On most of those occasions, I find the lady attractive and would like to pursue her. But if she does not act like she finds me attractive, then I will not pursue. There are a myriad of ways for a woman to do this, Outmind talks quite well about "pinging". If I ping a woman by touching her hand or arm, and she pulls away, then I will NOT be calling her back for a real date.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 46
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/21/2011 8:31:51 AM

Women usually prefer the initial meeting to take place in daylight, in a very public place.

Other than one first meeting in which I was invited to the woman's home, I think every first meeting I had was either dinner or at least drinks in the evening, so I'd call my first meetings, first dates. I didn't run into any women who weren't comfortable with that or who expressed a preference for a shorter daytime meeting.

On most of those occasions, I find the lady attractive and would like to pursue her. But if she does not act like she finds me attractive, then I will not pursue.

Like the song says: You love her, but she loves him and he loves somebody else, you just can't win...

Outmind talks quite well about "pinging".

That's an interesting idea, but by the time I first read a post in which he mentioned it, I no longer had any opportunity to try it - at least not if I wanted to keep on living.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 47
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/21/2011 8:43:35 AM
To avoid that nervousness on a first fate...I talk with everyone as if we have been friends for years. I friend zone them in my mind...if they can step above the friend zone GREAT. If they don't then, I had some good conversation for a half an hour. Hopefully I learned something new or interesting too.
 Genni218
Joined: 5/11/2011
Msg: 48
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/21/2011 10:00:52 AM
OP, I’ve had this happen more times than I’d like. And YES, I look like my pics, my personality matches that of the words that are written in my profile /emails. So there should be “no surprises” on my part that is… but that’s ANOTHER THREAD! Lol

However, I find that people don’t say what they mean, or mean what they say… That is the time that we are living in. Where the here and now, is valued over the longevity and we are summed up over a cup of coffee and a hug.  I call it the” Hug-a-meter.” Lol Now, I’m learning that there’s a first date “kiss-a-meter” as well! Boy, am I missing the mark! lol

I know this is a dating site with Plenty of Fish, but I have yet to see a fisherman leave a fish hanging on his rod, while he goes and gets another rod to continue fishing. I’m no avid fisher, but I’ve seen Andy Griffin and On Golden Pond. I kinda remember that they usually “throw the fish back” if they don’t want it, or put it in the cooler if it’s a keeper. HEY! Maybe that’s it… WE’RE IN THE COOLER when they don’t call. Lol And YES, I will call a guy, especially if I sensed a connection and HE SAID that he did too.

By the way, why does chemistry on a first date have to equate to a kiss. I tend to think of chemistry as meshing with someone’s personality, not just their mouth! Think about it, do we really wanna kiss a person who’s dating multiple people and exchange saliva with them as well. They could’ve just came from a date, or got out of somebody’s bed. If I kissed every person I felt a physical attraction for BEFORE I got to know “something” about their character (like do they return phone calls. : ) I’d end up with nothing more than Mono! lol

OP, I too have been out of the dating world for a while and I know I don’t fit this generation’s idea of dating. That’s probably why I’m still searching. LOL Yet it seems like our generation has yielded to the “young folk’s” way of doing it, and here we all are…. SINGLE. ; ) lol

For me, when guys come on too strong on the first date, I relate that to him NOT wanting anything more than the physical. I guess I could be considered to be shy based on today’s standards, but as far as being passionate… it’s in there like “Prego.”
I just don’t choose to share it with every Tom,****and Harry on a first date in a parking lot…. My BAD lol Call me old fashioned, just don’t booty-call me. : )

Bottom line is… The Houdini act happens a lot, especially on a dating site. I think we just need to learn how to “multitask” do a little “triage” and be honest (yeah right…sad huh!) How’s the song go…. Say what you need to say, say what you mean to say….

I use to be thrown for a loop… lately I haven’t put too much stock into it. As another forum poster put it, “It’s not real, till it’s real.” I still believe with all the fish in the sea, there should be somebody for everybody.

I’m learning lot from these forum threads, they bring more insight. They also help me to tweak my approach and outlook, but I stay true to who I am, and what I’m looking for.

This was a good question, one I’ve been wondering about myself. 
So thanks OP and good luck with your search, from a fellow “cricket hearer” ^.~
 IcarusWings
Joined: 6/21/2011
Msg: 49
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History
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/21/2011 10:33:43 AM
All you have to do is pick up the phone and text or call them and find out how they are doing...women always expect men to chase after them. Men nowadays would like to be chased a little bit too, not saying you have to go all out assault chase mode on them, but let them know you are interested by picking up the phone and calling or texting them. If you dont get a response after that, THEN you know whether they are interested or not, and then you could move on.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 50
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/21/2011 10:47:00 AM
However, I find that people don’t say what they mean, or mean what they say… That is the time that we are living in.

Then get better at evaluating people accurately and quickly. The reality is that you are living in this time and you just have deal with the reality you're stuck with.

Think about it, do we really wanna kiss a person who’s dating multiple people and exchange saliva with them as well.

I didn't date women who wanted to date other people. Problem solved.

If I kissed every person I felt a physical attraction for BEFORE I got to know “something” about their character (like do they return phone calls. : ) I’d end up with nothing more than Mono! lol

Talk more before the date and weed people out on the front end. You're failing to take advantage of the way online dating works. If you don't like talking to someone before a the date, why would you want to meet him?

By the way, why does chemistry on a first date have to equate to a kiss.

If a woman didn't want to kiss me, how could you say there's any chemistry? If she does want to kiss me, but won't kiss me, then she's either playing a game or she isn't self-confident and decisive, in which case we wouldn't be a good match. I don't want to play ``guess whether I like you'' and I like women who are self-confident and decisive.

Bottom line is… The Houdini act happens a lot, especially on a dating site. I think we just need to learn how to “multitask” do a little “triage” and be honest (yeah right…sad huh!) How’s the song go…. Say what you need to say, say what you mean to say….

Right and a kiss says a lot that can't be hidden behind words. Kissing is great for triage.
 Genni218
Joined: 5/11/2011
Msg: 51
Great date then............ nothing
Posted: 7/21/2011 2:17:48 PM
[Talk more before the date and weed people out on the front end. You're failing to take advantage of the way online dating works. If you don't like talking to someone before a the date, why would you want to meet him?]

Wow, seems like some people are just waiting for you to post something so they can pick it apart. lol

Personally, I do take time to exchange dialogue and weed people out before meeting. That is the beauty of online dating. : ) That doesn't stop the socially awkward when who can type a good email, or the players from getting past my radar. It happens, and now I'd rather meet, sooner than later to see what's "really happening."

[I didn't date women who wanted to date other people. Problem solved.]

BTW how would you know on a first date, if a woman wanted to date other people or not? I'm just asking... esp perhaps? lol ET phone home? Don't get mad.... you started it. : p

I'm sorry, I just don't see lack of physical contact on a first date as a sign of an insecure or indecisive person. I consider it more the trait of a person with a bit of self control, one who doesn't make "rash" decisions and end up with one. lol But that's just me. ^.~

It takes time in the "here and now" to get to know a person outside of emails and phone calls. Chemistry is more than a kiss.... when you're looking for someone to share you life with, character counts a bit more. I'm sure somewhere online they have tutorials on kissing. (which I don't need BTW ^.~)

My point is, people should be allowed to date at their own comfort level. When you try to do it like someone else, you get someone's mate and not someone that meshes with you. Maybe some could stand to open up a bit more, and others can learn to be more patient. But if I don't "tongue a man down" or give him a "dutty wine" hug on the first date and he doesn't call me.... then I didn't NEED a second date with him.

The reality is "he wasn't for me." Whether or not that was the reason, the deal is, he's gone and I'm moving on... dignity in tact!

Again, It's not real... till it's real!
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