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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Tolerance-Second Time Around      Home login  
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 11
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Tolerance-Second Time AroundPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)
After a 20 year marriage my BS meter went into overdrive. I will never over look or forgive and forget mean nasty behavior.
I hold my relationships to a far higher standard now. No drama, no family squabbles and no endless arguments. If it is not peaceful I don't participate.
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 12
Tolerance-Second Time Around
Posted: 7/20/2011 6:50:29 PM
I dont find myself more or less tolerant, I have defined what I am looking for in a man and take it from there.

Tolerance could be viewed as "settling" and that is a bad thing, cause relationships don't last.

Personally I dont make assumptions or have huge expectations from the men I meet. A person can weed out the inappropriate matches and a match that might have a chance.

I think its all about what you are looking for, finding someone with similar traits and seeing if things will go in the right direction.
Joined: 10/12/2010
Msg: 13
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Tolerance-Second Time Around
Posted: 7/20/2011 6:56:15 PM
A little of both. I won't put up with crap but I also don't jump to conclusions..or at least don't act upon them until I have had a chance to speak to my partner. Sometimes there are things going on I am not aware of and I would have felt like crap if I gave him hell. I am glad I have stuck by a wonderful guy.
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 14
Tolerance-Second Time Around
Posted: 7/20/2011 7:27:47 PM

I'm less tolerant only about things that are crucial to me and more tolerant about day-to-day stuff.

That pretty much sums it up with me too. I might get peed off at something minor in every day life, but it's soon forgotten. But I have no patience to deal with bigger issues with someone. I realized a long time ago that if I don't like someone's behavior, I can't change the person and I don't tolerate someone trying to change me into their ideal.
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 15
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Tolerance-Second Time Around
Posted: 7/20/2011 8:26:32 PM
As a person I have become more laid back over the years, I don't sweat the small stuff,I've worked very hard to get to a place where I am happy in my personal and professional life, thou still under construction in the romance area. I've learned not to tolerate bad, rude or abusive behaviour from others in my current relationships, I know what I'm looking for and hope to find someone that compliments me as I do them, not always an easy thing these days. I try to avoid people who surround themselves in constant drama, I just don't have the time or energy to deal with it, bad things do happen but I try and deal with them in a positive and productive manner.
Joined: 2/7/2010
Msg: 16
Tolerance-Second Time Around
Posted: 7/20/2011 9:05:58 PM
I thought I would dial back the BS meter, since I thought it may have been too high and allowing me from finding a healthy relationship. I adopted tolerance....

"Tolerance" allows your mate/bf/gf/spouse to disrespect/cheat/abuse you with no consequences.

By golly, the above is so true. He continued to stay active a few on line dating sites, even after he asked me to move in with him, saying he loved me and so on and so on. I tolerated his behavior. It never really was okay, but I looked the other way. Well, long story short, I have the BS meter back to high.

Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 17
Tolerance-Second Time Around
Posted: 7/20/2011 10:02:53 PM
much less tolerant of BS and lies.
but more tolerant of the little day to day differences.
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 18
Tolerance-Second Time Around
Posted: 7/21/2011 5:10:18 AM
Do you think you have more or less tolerance in subsequent relationships from the first?

Neither. With each relationship, I've gotten better at picking my battles, so that I'm more tolerant of some things and less tolerant of other things.

Do you feel you were burnt in previous relationships and have set your BS meter to sensitive and will not tolerate any more BS from anyone?

I don't really feel like I've been ``burnt'' by anyone (although I'm sure it felt like that few times when the break up was happening). As far as tolerating BS goes, I'm probably much better at recognizing it, but the only thing I've actually made an effort to change is how I deal with it. Instead of ignoring it and figuring I'll deal with it later, I just don't even go there now. It's easier to start out dating the right women than try to change the wrong ones. I tolerate more bs but I don't get myself in a position where I have to deal with it.

Or were you sometimes a fire cracker before and blew up at things that in hind sight seem frivolous, and now will tolerate more differences in your vision of a perfect partner?

That's too complicated to answer in generality. All I could really say is that I used to be wound a lot tighter but becoming less tightly wound is more about becoming indifferent to things that seem like too much effort to change for what it's worth than it is about relationships I've been in.
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 19
Tolerance-Second Time Around
Posted: 7/21/2011 5:54:28 AM
I think I just have different priorities now, and my tolerance kind of moves with those prioritities.

I used to tolerate seeing people take advantage of 'the system' and say nothing when I saw it. I dont tolerate that now, as I know it affects every tax payer and I am one also. A younger version of me figured the well was endless and they were not hurting anyone but themselves.

When it comes to depends. I pick my battles alot more carefully now then I did before, yet when I do pick a battle Im less likely to back down because it was important enough for me to raise the issue in the first place.

I never did tolerate bad behaviour, I was just more naive as to what constituted bad behaviour when I was younger. For example-I didnt see the connection between disrepecting your elders , and being disrepectful to your mate. Now, if I were to date a man who openly called thier Mother a nasty name, Id not be having a second date...but as a young woman I figured maybe he had a valid reason to speak that way. I know now that you can have a valid reason to be angry at your parents, but it is not acceptable to walk around with all that hatred inside and it will spill to I am not tolerant of that type of thing anymore. I will listen to someone talk of thier issues with others but it needs to be respectull and not just a name calling session.

Basically, I can sniff out people who make excuses for thier behaviour far better now from aging and experience and I lean towards those who have 'come through the other side' of resentment and pain. I cannot tolerate those who wallow in it and make it thier whole life story and/or refuse to see the role they played in the past.

I am a choices person. Everything is about choices, including how we react to things beyond our own control. If I dont respect your choices, I guess you could call me intolerant. I openly admit I cannot tolerate being around people who cannot see they had a choice.
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 20
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Tolerance-Second Time Around
Posted: 7/21/2011 6:04:24 AM
Please my friend, my english is not so good i am from Brazil, but I would like to know any woman to a serios commitment. Say me any, thank you
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 21
Tolerance-Second Time Around
Posted: 7/21/2011 6:45:41 AM
I personally do not know yet.

I was in a relationship with a woman that went through breast cancer, yet was bipolar and severe issues about being previously physically abused.

So I hope the next time I can pick a person with "less" issues. I can say that in the next relationship I will be this or I will be that, but I do not know until I get there. One thing I leaned is that cancer humbles you to a degree you would have never seen possible. So I would approach another relationship with more empathy, with more attention to details.

Things that would to bother me, probably I would let them go.
Joined: 1/1/2011
Msg: 22
Tolerance-Second Time Around
Posted: 7/21/2011 6:58:37 AM
Relationships, or any specific person, thing or event haven't burnt me; for the most part, it's me who burnt my own self, figuratively and literally. Slowly coming out of the ashes (sorry I couldn't help myself:) has been a humbling experience to say the least. What's even more humbling is that I can't even claim to have emerged a better person, only a different one, or one with a new perspective maybe.

As for tolerance, which is a funny word to me because to my french ears, it means to put up with. But anyway, I guess it's become easier for me to ignore or dismiss the little things that in the end are not important but I am less likely to put up with or tolerate things that are unacceptable (to me) but which I might have overlooked or tried to make concession for in the past. Sort of a trade off I guess, like most everything else in life it seems.
Joined: 8/23/2010
Msg: 23
Tolerance-Second Time Around
Posted: 7/21/2011 6:39:35 PM
Totally traumatized, BS meter on overtime.
Joined: 2/12/2011
Msg: 24
Tolerance-Second Time Around
Posted: 7/21/2011 6:43:32 PM
i dunno. i think am still the same one from before. maybe i learned a couple of things along the way but generally how i was before, am still the same right now. how much BS i was able to take before is just how much BS i can take right now. i do not think my tolerance level has lengthen at all. i think it got shorter even. hey i dunno. i don't really think about it that much. all i know is that i still love this person with all of my damn stupid ****ing life and i wish that he could see that.
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 25
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Tolerance-Second Time Around
Posted: 7/21/2011 8:52:04 PM
I think I am one of the minority of women who keep of what they got like "till death do us part"..
I don't tolerate things that I am not comfortable, or BS, I am very upfront. But I am very patience , kind,and *forgiving that it "won't happen again."

I don't believe that there is such thing as perfect partner, but there is a perfect match
if the two of them will work it out to have a good relationship.. As the saying goes>> It takes two to TANGO..
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 26
Tolerance-Second Time Around
Posted: 7/22/2011 6:19:17 AM

...... caution generally forestalls the need to consider tolerance.


And if I find myself in situations where I feel I am having to be tolerant of (important)stuff around me? Nah.
I'm gettin' old.. why waste time on sittin' around doing that?
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 27
Tolerance-Second Time Around
Posted: 7/22/2011 10:41:41 AM
^^^^^^^^^ I like that one. Tolerance gives people an excuse to be ratarded without the burden of punishment.
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