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 MedallioN105
Joined: 7/13/2011
Msg: 26
thought she loved mePage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

first of all if your 24 and i assume she is a year or two younger. and you have been in a relationship for six years. therefore i would say you are HS lovers... and her sexual experiences are limited to you.
i would further venture to guess that the fighting started around the time of your fathers death. leading me to think that the possibility of your arguments are partly due to you inability to find acceptance... and also the reason for delaying the wedding...
therefore as you are a policeman... and peoples lives do depend on your CLARITY of judgment may i suggest you seek professional counseling...
you are wondering why your girlfriend/fiancee after six years would, as you say " turn the other corner"... sometimes the answer is simple!
let us assume(follow me with an open mind) society told you of the evils of strawberries. how they would change your life... how if you walked down the street people would shun you... told tales of their bitterness... and one day, alone with a strawberry, away from home. you taste it... just a little... and it tastes wonderful
and you taste a little more... and your body tingles
and you devour the rest... and your body is consumed with pleasure
and your mind is consumed in tranquility
and the next morning when you wake up you see the only thing that has changed is the way you feel....
now i am not saying she does not love you... but the chances are very good that she has found a whole new her... a whole new sexuality... a whole new world, and needs time to explore... and you need time to fix yourself


While I see your example it just mind blogging, and to answer some of your things is no she is not younger, in fact she is a few months older than I am. and the fighting started well after my fathers passing, she was the one that said we will take our time with marriage and such fourth but i see your reasoning to set an example. People do change and unfortunately it was not in my favor.
 Janet_Always
Joined: 12/7/2010
Msg: 27
thought she loved me
Posted: 7/21/2011 5:13:45 AM
I can understand your pain, because it's a very sad story... but, I would stop trying to figure her out. Whether she's gay, bi or into barnyard animals -- the fact is, she doesn't want you.

Your job now is to grieve the loss and move on with your life.

You're very fortunate you didn't get married and have a kid or two before all this happened.
 VacationGuy234
Joined: 8/1/2008
Msg: 28
thought she loved me
Posted: 7/21/2011 5:16:31 AM
Dude, you really can't hold it against her for liking women when you yourself like women, eh?

That aside, she sounds like she is very much into drama and it doesn't seem like you were so no matter how you look at it she was not the one for you.

Trust me, you'll live and things will get better.
 MedallioN105
Joined: 7/13/2011
Msg: 29
thought she loved me
Posted: 7/21/2011 5:19:34 AM

it's not a sudden turn and it didn't take her 6 years to realize anything. these are thoughts that were in her head for a very long time, she just didn't share them with you until she was ready to cut you loose.


That's what I was thinking recently that your love for someone just doesn't end on the spot, so she was sticking with me until she I guess found her partner, for she herself wouldn't feel heartache had she broke up with me beforehand.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 30
thought she loved me
Posted: 7/21/2011 5:45:53 AM

That's what I was thinking recently that your love for someone just doesn't end on the spot, so she was sticking with me until she I guess found her partner, for she herself wouldn't feel heartache had she broke up with me beforehand.

I don't think that's necessarily true. You're 24, so if you've been together 6 years, I assume that she was around 18 when you started dating. At that age, she may have been trying to figure her sexuality out and struggled with it for a long time before breaking up with you. I really don't think it would be easy for her to share that sort of thing with you since she probably wasn't really sure what was going on herself. She may not care for you in that way, but t doesn't mean she's not feeling any heartache over it.
 MedallioN105
Joined: 7/13/2011
Msg: 31
thought she loved me
Posted: 7/21/2011 6:42:19 AM

I don't think that's necessarily true. You're 24, so if you've been together 6 years, I assume that she was around 18 when you started dating. At that age, she may have been trying to figure her sexuality out and struggled with it for a long time before breaking up with you. I really don't think it would be easy for her to share that sort of thing with you since she probably wasn't really sure what was going on herself. She may not care for you in that way, but t doesn't mean she's not feeling any heartache over it.


Yes we where both 18 and actually met through a family friend. But lets say she figured out her sexuality when she turned 20, why hang on for so long to the point were me and her where engaged and planning our future out for the long haul? I understand people have relationships that last 20-30 years and then they come out or say they just dont love each other but I wouldn't get engaged unless I knew my future was going to be with that person.


But from what I know about being bi," very little" It is not about working out your sexuality, but about falling in love with either gender.
So you can have a relationship with a man, then a woman, and that can be equal.
In the same way as different relationships in your life, you love someone, then move on and love someone else.
Unless she is fully gay, then she may well have loved you in a sexual and partnership way for the whole 6 years.


from what I have heard in the past from her and surroundings' she loved me a lot and wanted a future with me but I guess her feelings changed a lot but im just shocked at why change after 6 years of a commitment. But I guess I learn from the mistakes and try to move on and hope for a new chapter with someone else.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 32
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History
thought she loved me
Posted: 7/21/2011 8:26:38 AM
6 years is an eternity when you are a teenager, it is why most adults advise kids against getting committed so young.
You have to accept its done, and try not to focus on why she stayed as long as she did. She absolutely loved you at one time and old good habits are hard to break. Why would she not stay? You treated her well, she always had a good friend around when she needed a someone and your families were supportive. But we all grow up, and that process is never more evident than when you are a young adult.
Take out of the relationship all the good that was there and learn from it.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 33
thought she loved me
Posted: 7/21/2011 8:42:09 AM
Yes we where both 18 and actually met through a family friend. But lets say she figured out her sexuality when she turned 20, why hang on for so long to the point were me and her where engaged and planning our future out for the long haul?

I've had lots of gay friends and the one thing I'm quite certain about is that none of them just suddenly figured out one day that they were gay and accepted it in an instant. Basically, your fiancee probably took several years to figure it out, accept it and think about what to do about it and her situation with you. That certainly sucks for you, but I can't imagine her doing something like just to be mean.

but I wouldn't get engaged unless I knew my future was going to be with that person.

Well I wouldn't either, but then again, I'm 47 and this is the first time I've gotten as far a buying an engagement ring. Most people, especially younger people, aren't as certain as they think they are.

It is not about working out your sexuality, but about falling in love with either gender.

Really? Most people grow up with the idea that a couple involves a man and a woman, so if you were attracted to the same sex, wouldn't you think it takes a little while to undo all that conditioning and accept it?
 gardenias2
Joined: 1/13/2011
Msg: 34
thought she loved me
Posted: 7/21/2011 12:26:43 PM

I think hiding who they are causes alot of
psychological problems for them which leave you in a
very real world of pain and not understanding.
I get your hurt.
-curlygirl

this makes the most sense to me.

sorry, you have been betrayed. and you will get over it. this is a growth opportunity for you in more ways than you know. feel the pain and grieve. and don't hesitate to get some counseling if you need it. supposedly getting therapy helps you process an abrupt relationship ending much faster than trying to sort it all out yourself. good luck and wishing you well!
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 35
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History
thought she loved me
Posted: 7/21/2011 12:40:39 PM

My question is why did it take her 6 years to realize that she might be gay/bi?


I know you are hurting..but the bottom line is this..no one but HER can answer the question you want answered, and I am not sure she can.

Accept the fact that you broke up, and stop beating yourself on questions that have no solid answers. If there were an answer, would it make the pain hurt any less? No.

You are centering in on something that doesn't make any difference...heal, and move on.
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 36
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History
thought she loved me
Posted: 7/21/2011 12:53:04 PM
^^^^^^^^^^

Why did it take her 6 years? The fact is that you both were pretty much children when you started dating 17-18yrs old, and apparently she has grown and changed in the past 6 years, much like you have done. When you are young and a teenager there are a lot of things that are confusing and you dont have the answers to. While it may seem to be more openly accepted to be bi or gay now, the reality is that it is still not that easily accepted by a lot of people and maybe she didnt want to admit it to her self. Hell maybe she isnt gay but feels some sort of affection for this woman and is acting it out sexually.

The bottom line is that you were both very young when you started to date and people do change especially in your late teens and early 20's. This isnt really about you, its is her and you didnt turn her gay.
 gardenias2
Joined: 1/13/2011
Msg: 37
thought she loved me
Posted: 7/21/2011 3:12:16 PM
Accept the fact that you broke up, and stop beating yourself on questions that have no solid answers. If there were an answer, would it make the pain hurt any less? No.

You are centering in on something that doesn't make any difference...heal, and move on.


i wish more posters understood that this type of advice is invalidating. and i know pingshooters intentions are good but to you the why's and how's are not significant when a relationship ends. to many it is essential to gain more understanding so the individual can let go of it, little by little. i'm this way. and i will ask the question to the ex, my friends, a therapist or to myself until i "get it". this may not appear to be logical, it just is what it is. people process grief differently. nobody is right or wrong.
 MedallioN105
Joined: 7/13/2011
Msg: 38
thought she loved me
Posted: 7/21/2011 4:08:39 PM

i wish more posters understood that this type of advice is invalidating. and i know pingshooters intentions are good but to you the why's and how's are not significant when a relationship ends. to many it is essential to gain more understanding so the individual can let go of it, little by little. i'm this way. and i will ask the question to the ex, my friends, a therapist or to myself until i "get it". this may not appear to be logical, it just is what it is. people process grief differently. nobody is right or wrong.


^^This, but like everyone has been saying the best I can do now is accept the fact that she has changed and unfortunately not for the best, I'll certainly cherish the good times, but I hope I can forget the worse time(now) much quicker. Thanks to everyone who has written feed back.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 39
view profile
History
thought she loved me
Posted: 7/21/2011 5:16:15 PM

to many it is essential to gain more understanding so the individual can let go of it, little by little. i'm this way. and i will ask the question to the ex, my friends, a therapist or to myself until i "get it". this may not appear to be logical, it just is what it is. people process grief differently. nobody is right or wrong.


There is no invalidating, just because you "don't get it".

The young man is a police officer, or says he is. I was one for over 30 years. We deal with reality. The reality is..she has left him, and he believes for a woman. That fvckin hurts in and of itself. To constantly ask why, and how this happened, from people who have no idea, and should not even be asked this..is not reality. But, it is part of the process.

You see..it isn't that you "don't get it", it is it takes people different lengths of time for the reality to really set in. There may never, ever, be an answer. And if he hangs onto the hope that there will be, it will only lengthen the time to heal.

I fully understand why he is asking, it's part of the process. However, he will reach the conclusion that his relationship is over, it was NOT his fault sooner or later. Hopefully sooner. And it is not his fault he is asking, that's just what happens in breakups. Someone always wonders..and someone moves on.

Time..is the only thing that is going to make this better. In time he will heal, and in time he will move on. To prolong that healing process is to offer him 10,000 different reasons as to why....that will only prolong this process.
 MedallioN105
Joined: 7/13/2011
Msg: 40
thought she loved me
Posted: 7/21/2011 5:59:33 PM

There is no invalidating, just because you "don't get it".

The young man is a police officer, or says he is. I was one for over 30 years. We deal with reality. The reality is..she has left him, and he believes for a woman. That fvckin hurts in and of itself. To constantly ask why, and how this happened, from people who have no idea, and should not even be asked this..is not reality. But, it is part of the process.

You see..it isn't that you "don't get it", it is it takes people different lengths of time for the reality to really set in. There may never, ever, be an answer. And if he hangs onto the hope that there will be, it will only lengthen the time to heal.

I fully understand why he is asking, it's part of the process. However, he will reach the conclusion that his relationship is over, it was NOT his fault sooner or later. Hopefully sooner. And it is not his fault he is asking, that's just what happens in breakups. Someone always wonders..and someone moves on.

Time..is the only thing that is going to make this better. In time he will heal, and in time he will move on. To prolong that healing process is to offer him 10,000 different reasons as to why....that will only prolong this process.


Your right I'm grieving more then I should it would seem, because im still caught up in this mess while she is off enjoying her new SO. Like you said im trying to get answer's (that I mostly likely will never get) and it is only going to make my time of getting over it harder. Yes its reality and I deal with a lot of reality in my job, but it is a much different case when it personally effects you.
 home_osorio
Joined: 2/12/2011
Msg: 41
thought she loved me
Posted: 7/21/2011 6:40:12 PM
forget about her. she's immature. she doesn't really know what she's doing.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 42
view profile
History
thought she loved me
Posted: 7/21/2011 6:46:32 PM

Yes its reality and I deal with a lot of reality in my job, but it is a much different case when it personally effects you.


Yes, it is..because it's you that's involved.

You're wondering what happened..what did you do wrong..where did it go wrong...why did it happen..and there may not be answers to satisfy you.

It's all part of the process that everyone goes through, suffers through. It will be okay, give it time, don't dwell on the things you can't change..easy to say, hard to do.

Get busy doing something to change something in your life..constructively change.
 ilovetodance1234
Joined: 4/5/2011
Msg: 43
thought she loved me
Posted: 7/21/2011 8:01:24 PM
I know it is a difficult thing to do but you have to stop thinking about her, worrying about what she is doing and with whom she is doing whatever with. Believe me, I know full well what you are going through. My heart has been broken (just recently). I know it is difficult to concentrate on anything else. So many of us have been there and our hearts are breaking for you because we all know how you feel and how difficult it is for you. Trust me (I know you don't know me) but trust me when I say this..you must move on for YOUR sake. You must stop thinking of her. You need some time to grieve of "what you felt could have been." Then you have to pull up your boot straps and move on. Be a better person, take a good look at yourself. Find and accept your wonderful qualities. It is difficult but be confident in who YOU are. When you least expect it some wonderful young lady is going to come into your life and you will know what true love is...because true love is given by both parties to one another. Take care.
 poisonbaby
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 44
thought she loved me
Posted: 7/21/2011 8:46:52 PM
"Supposedly she tried blaming me that I didn't trust her when she went away, mean while I never said anything about a trust problem or something to bring it up. She tried to blame me for stuff that I didn't even bring up. As far as I knew we where going strong as all could, like I mentioned in the first post that me and her the last month when we where together was by far the best."

So, you weren't the one initiating the arguments ... she was. Its called building a case against you. Historically, women are far more likely to use poison as a means to take someone's life than a man is (5% for males - 35% for females) whereas men are more likely to take someone's life instantly and violently ... "cold blooded" murder ... bang bang!!! but what's more cold blooded than causing someone to slowly suffer their way to their end?

Its my opinion that the same applies to our ways of ending the life of a relationship. If there's a way to poison the relationship and make you share a bit of the responsibility then she can walk away with a case for her future happiness and from the sounds of it, it sounds like since she's entering a same sex relationship she might need a good case for why ... what better than how "untrusting" you were and how she just couldn't take that anymore ... blah blah blah.

It takes time to recover from attempted poisoning like that ... hang in there ... you've gotten a lot of good advice here ... stay close to those who know you best and can help you separate reality from her fiction of you. You'll be good as new in time ... love triumphs over death! :)
 MedallioN105
Joined: 7/13/2011
Msg: 45
thought she loved me
Posted: 7/22/2011 6:46:56 AM

I know it is a difficult thing to do but you have to stop thinking about her, worrying about what she is doing and with whom she is doing whatever with. Believe me, I know full well what you are going through. My heart has been broken (just recently). I know it is difficult to concentrate on anything else. So many of us have been there and our hearts are breaking for you because we all know how you feel and how difficult it is for you. Trust me (I know you don't know me) but trust me when I say this..you must move on for YOUR sake. You must stop thinking of her. You need some time to grieve of "what you felt could have been." Then you have to pull up your boot straps and move on. Be a better person, take a good look at yourself. Find and accept your wonderful qualities. It is difficult but be confident in who YOU are. When you least expect it some wonderful young lady is going to come into your life and you will know what true love is...because true love is given by both parties to one another. Take care.


Sorry that something similar happened to you it is a painful process but you nailed it right on the nose we must move on for our own sake, yeah it hurts especially after a relationship you committed a lot of time and effort into.


"Supposedly she tried blaming me that I didn't trust her when she went away, mean while I never said anything about a trust problem or something to bring it up. She tried to blame me for stuff that I didn't even bring up. As far as I knew we where going strong as all could, like I mentioned in the first post that me and her the last month when we where together was by far the best."

So, you weren't the one initiating the arguments ... she was. Its called building a case against you. Historically, women are far more likely to use poison as a means to take someone's life than a man is (5% for males - 35% for females) whereas men are more likely to take someone's life instantly and violently ... "cold blooded" murder ... bang bang!!! but what's more cold blooded than causing someone to slowly suffer their way to their end?

Its my opinion that the same applies to our ways of ending the life of a relationship. If there's a way to poison the relationship and make you share a bit of the responsibility then she can walk away with a case for her future happiness and from the sounds of it, it sounds like since she's entering a same sex relationship she might need a good case for why ... what better than how "untrusting" you were and how she just couldn't take that anymore ... blah blah blah.

It takes time to recover from attempted poisoning like that ... hang in there ... you've gotten a lot of good advice here ... stay close to those who know you best and can help you separate reality from her fiction of you. You'll be good as new in time ... love triumphs over death! :)


The slow suffering hurts a lot more which for me it seems to be doing just that. I mean obviously a cold blooded murder im hoping that person never felt a thing, but you get my drift.
 ilovetodance1234
Joined: 4/5/2011
Msg: 46
thought she loved me
Posted: 7/22/2011 12:12:24 PM
You are correct the slow painful process is horrible. The memories, thinking of that special person first thing when you wake up, the last thing when you go to sleep. Seeing other couples together, going places you have been together, simple gestures, a song, the sunset, sunrise etc. It hurs like heck. You have to allow yourself to move on. Take it slow, easy, one moment at a time. It is hard. Believe me, I and many others have been there and we know what the pain is. It can devastate you. It can bring even the strongest person down to their knees. I know this sounds unkind but it is not meant to be. She has found another thus she is not worrying, thinking, etc. of your pain. Only YOU cann stop the pain. Don't let her continue to control your pain. Please don't use someone else as a rebound girl as it will just hurt them and you don't want to do that. I read that you are a police officer. Put your whole heart and mind into your work for now, your friends, and your family. You cannot think about her while on the job as it would put you and/or your partner at risk. My heartache was recent. It still hurts. I still don't know why it didn't work out but it didn't. Thus, I don't want to waste a moment of my life with regrets. At times I can think about the wonderful memories and cherish them, but it still hurts so I only allow myself to think about them for a moment. I still cry about the loss as to me it seemed so perfect. I felt the magic. He says he didn't. He will always be special to me. Always be my friend. But for now it hurts too much to dwell on it. Life is short. You as a police officer know how quickly one can be lost to you. Thus, make the most of your life. Don't waste it on regrets, what could of, should of been as you may become so imbedded in this pain you may miss the best thing in your life. . Get out there and live for today. Put a smile on your beautiful face. Truely, one day you will look back and wish you had not spent so many wasted tears, moments, pain, etc. on the one who was not meant to be for you. I have 3 sons and have gone through this process with them and their girlfriends (now their wives) and trust me I hurt for them when they hurt. I send out a big hug to you. I know it won't make it better but just knowing someone cares does help.
 gardenias2
Joined: 1/13/2011
Msg: 47
thought she loved me
Posted: 7/22/2011 1:34:20 PM
and i know pingshooters intentions are good.


given his rather rude and insulting response, for the record i retract the above statement.


Only YOU cann stop the pain. Don't let her continue to control your pain.


once again folks he doesn't NEED to do a thing. he isn't doing anything wrong. this is not the time to invalidate someone. he's hurting, he will get over it when he gets over it. stop blaming him for hurting, geez.

the more loving and caring the individual, usually the more they hurt. insensitive jerks seem to be able to just pick themselves right back up and forget about it all much more quickly.

the best advice any of you can give him is to feel his pain completely. not stop it or put it on a shelf. feel it, cry it out and don't put a time limit or conditions on how long you need to grieve. the only objective is to release the hurt.

 MedallioN105
Joined: 7/13/2011
Msg: 48
thought she loved me
Posted: 7/22/2011 5:20:18 PM

You are correct the slow painful process is horrible. The memories, thinking of that special person first thing when you wake up, the last thing when you go to sleep. Seeing other couples together, going places you have been together, simple gestures, a song, the sunset, sunrise etc. It hurs like heck. You have to allow yourself to move on. Take it slow, easy, one moment at a time. It is hard. Believe me, I and many others have been there and we know what the pain is. It can devastate you. It can bring even the strongest person down to their knees. I know this sounds unkind but it is not meant to be. She has found another thus she is not worrying, thinking, etc. of your pain. Only YOU cann stop the pain. Don't let her continue to control your pain. Please don't use someone else as a rebound girl as it will just hurt them and you don't want to do that. I read that you are a police officer. Put your whole heart and mind into your work for now, your friends, and your family. You cannot think about her while on the job as it would put you and/or your partner at risk. My heartache was recent. It still hurts. I still don't know why it didn't work out but it didn't. Thus, I don't want to waste a moment of my life with regrets. At times I can think about the wonderful memories and cherish them, but it still hurts so I only allow myself to think about them for a moment. I still cry about the loss as to me it seemed so perfect. I felt the magic. He says he didn't. He will always be special to me. Always be my friend. But for now it hurts too much to dwell on it. Life is short. You as a police officer know how quickly one can be lost to you. Thus, make the most of your life. Don't waste it on regrets, what could of, should of been as you may become so imbedded in this pain you may miss the best thing in your life. . Get out there and live for today. Put a smile on your beautiful face. Truely, one day you will look back and wish you had not spent so many wasted tears, moments, pain, etc. on the one who was not meant to be for you. I have 3 sons and have gone through this process with them and their girlfriends (now their wives) and trust me I hurt for them when they hurt. I send out a big hug to you. I know it won't make it better but just knowing someone cares does help.


Yeah it's very hard and yes your right I shouldn't let it effect me to the point where it puts me in danger with my job, like you said she will always have a place in my heart. Even though she didn't feel the same for me, she helped me in ways grow up and mature, and it seems everything I do..if im hanging with friends or listening to music the simplest lyric sometimes gets me upset...I just gotta develop the patience and time and hopefully I'll get the right one, and no im not going to just go on the rebound.
 curlygrl
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 49
view profile
History
thought she loved me
Posted: 7/22/2011 5:38:35 PM
I know it's really hard to understand
and I feel your pain. I really do.

How can someone be with me for so long
and now she is gay?
I know. It's messed up.

Like I explained to you before- this has nothing
to do with you, how you treated her or even that
you love her.

She knows you love her. She can't love you back
the way a woman loves a man.

It really has nothing to do with love.

It's sexuality. It's ingrained in her.

She now feels the need to follow that path-
the path she was born to feel.

Wish her well in your heart and move on.

Unfortunately if the situation arises when
she decides she likes guys again- don't be there.

Gay is not something that is the thing to do- gay
is what they are and hopefully with no contact an
healing you will be in a good place and strong
enough to just be her friend.

I know she treated you bad at the end. That's all
projection. That's her not being able to own that she
knows she is hurting you by putting the blame
of something- anything to ease her conscience.

I know this is really shitty but you have to know this
is all her. Her shitty character and integrity with
you is who she really is. Has nothing to do with her being
gay- she just isn't a nice person. Not for you.

 MedallioN105
Joined: 7/13/2011
Msg: 50
thought she loved me
Posted: 7/22/2011 6:11:54 PM

My theory is that she didn't love you. Move on


I dont think she would be with me for 6 years if she didn't have some sort of love for me. I mean would you stick around with someone you didn't love for 6 years? highly doubt that.
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