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Show ALL Forums  > Sex and Dating  > Friends with Benefits... WHY!?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 eightbitzero
Joined: 4/28/2011
Msg: 26
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?Page 2 of 14    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)
MsMicki


how anyone is raised....whether in a religous household or not.......has nothing to do with individual choices. and you......Mr. "Non Religous".....can't throw around proper religious "morals" when you don't claim any religion.

Im going to have to say this is wrong, statistically if a child is raised in an abusive household, he will just as likely be as abusive as his father/mother or whom ever he witnessed. YES they are his individual choices to lead down that road, BUT! it is the event witnessed as a child that opened the door to those choices. They didnt invent Child Services for nothing.

I've also tasted many religions and beliefs in my small amount of time on this planet, and its come to my conclusion that its merely a tool used for war, thusly i dont take part or believe in any religion. We are here, we live, we experience, we die, and cease to exist any more.


so your bar life friends have no bearing on what real, honest people do in their lives.

Define honest and real? its unfortunately subjective.... Its along the same lines as normality... Because what one person thinks is honest and real another could perceive it as... immaturity or blasphemy. Terms like "Normal" are so utterly subjective that there is no normality. If we all were normal, we'd all be the same and boring.

Divine... Just because i didnt say im willing to listen, doesnt mean i am not.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 27
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/24/2011 11:41:50 AM

Im going to have to say this is wrong, statistically if a child is raised in an abusive household....BLAH BLAH BLAH......

And this WHAT to do with religion or FWB's?!

Back to the topic at hand........
the WHY is an individual choice.......some do it for the wrong reasons.....expecting "something" to come from it......
and others have a FWB because at that point in their lives......it is what works for them.
Who (or why) I've had sex with is none of a future partners business.......
I personally wouldn't be having sex with a FWB if I was to date.....but that's my personal choice for my own personal reasons. But I would still be their friend.
I don't end any of my friendships just because I'm dating or in a committed relationship.....a friend is a friend for life for me.
Any man that has issues with that.......is not the type of man I want in my life to start with.
 DJurg71
Joined: 6/21/2011
Msg: 28
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/24/2011 2:13:27 PM
I gotta agree with that, "even so-so sex beats porn".
 DJurg71
Joined: 6/21/2011
Msg: 29
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/24/2011 2:14:40 PM
LOL LOL good reply... cookies would be nice! lol
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 30
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/24/2011 6:05:07 PM

Why? I can promise you that 99.9% of the time when someone has a FWB you can bet that either the male or the female is allowing it to happen under the hopes that feelings will develop and a relationship will be the result. One of them always wants it to be more than FWB.


With FWB#1.. I had a crush on him, but kept it to myself. He knows now because I told him. When my feelings changed and I started to want more, was about the same time that he met and fell in love with someone. Being that we were FRIENDS first, I did the honorable thing and stepped back and let him follow the path he wanted.

With FWB#2.. he was far too odd to make a romantic relationship with. Actually.. the WB portion ended when he contracted and exposed me to HepB. He wasn't honest with me and it broke my trust in him.

With the FB.. sure.. eventually my feelings changed and I would have liked more, again, because I knew it wasn't what he wanted I stepped back.

So.. the OP saying there is a lack of control.. I say pffft. Speak for yourself.

Religion has nothing at all whatsoever to do with morals or values. If it did, why are there so many pedophiles within the priesthood? How a person was raised can have bearing on their life, or not if they choose to ignore the bad they may have known. I wasn't raised in a religious household, but was raised to respect people.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 31
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/24/2011 8:44:22 PM
I have to agree with ya on that one mchurch!
those are not examples of a a FWB working out for both parties!
 2sweetie4u2
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 32
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 2:38:25 AM
Exactly! I agree with Player Two
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 33
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 6:42:39 AM

Well, that seems like a ringing endorsement of why NOT to have a FWB.....


I have to agree with ya on that one mchurch!
those are not examples of a a FWB working out for both parties!

How did they not work? We had mutally satisfying sex and maintained a friendship afterwards?

The guy with HepB might be an example of why communication is necessary. I'm still not clear on how he contracted it considering he's told me a couple of conflicting stories.

No one got hurt.. we've maintained friendships... how is that not successful?
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 34
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 8:53:46 AM
Most of the women I dated with hopes for a relationship didn't work out. Sex was usually involved, too. So, it seems they barely made it past the FB stage, and most didn't become friends, so weren't even as commited as FWBs would be. No better than casual sex with illusions of potential relationship.

FWB seems like a good solution to me and DOES work for many people. Sure, many don't work out, but most relationships don't either! FWB seems like an ethical solution since there is clarity and informed consent, even if your particular brand of morality frowns on it.
 whytwater
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 35
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 8:56:52 AM

I'm not saying they don't work, but its just that I've never seen a successful FWB relationship turn out for the positive. I'm guessing because of the lack of maturity on the side of the one getting attached and hurt by the process.


How is it immature to begin to feel love for one who provides something you want, or need, or deeply enjoy, and repeatedly? Now, I love whitewater rafting, but I've never fallen in love with a raft, lol; but humans interacting intimately with each other is a whole different kinda thrill, way more complicated, just might be the most noble pursuit, imho. Besides, even if "billions" of FWB arrangements have not been "successful", all the official reports indicate that a similarly stupendous number of marriages likewise fail. Humans evolve, even individually over a lifetime, each at their own respective paces. That paths diverge should not surprise us.


I often think FWB is just a way to have sex whilst waiting for someone better to show up...



..In some cases that's EXACTLY what it is,,,what's wrong with that?

The only thing that makes ANY relationship not worthy is when the people involved aren't on the same page.


Precisely. And cogently put. How can anyone disagree?
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 36
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 12:25:13 PM

Why do people need them? Cause they have sexual appetites that need to be met? Thats why they invented toys and porn.

So you're willing to not have sex with a serious girlfriend -- or even a wife (unless for the sole purpose of having a kid), because there's porn? That will do it for ya, huh? That's not how virtually everyone else is, man. :)

Ive never had, never been offered in any form to be a friend with benefits.

Many times there's not an "offer on the table" -- many times they just flow into such a situation. FWB = you're considered "friends", you refer to them as "my friend [Sally]", but you have had sexual relations with them, and at the same time, no offer to be "dating". Many times, the offer's the other way around if you fool around with them.

While they are getting to know him they will still screw a friend on the side just because they are still single! and think the can do what they want... What a lack of respect!

I agree that's not cool -- and that's where FWB can cause problems. It -can- (but no, not always) get in the way of one's real dating scene if they have relationship thoughts on their mind.

Here's why people like FWB: No dating drama, no strings. You're not dating, you're not a couple, and nor is it expected to on either end. Most of the time, they don't last very long. Someone can (or will) end up being into the other, if they don't live by long distances, aren't opposite "types", etc. It's the person hurting themselves by getting into one if their emotions can't handle it -- not the other person hurting them -- because they knew what they were getting themselves into.

Many times, the FWB situation is fine -- at worst, no more feelings disappointed in the end than the dating scene, and at best -- hands free of expectations, drama, hands-tied, etc. Not something to do while seriously in the real dating circuit with real dating options floating around... but when you're not ready to really date and need time to clear your thoughts/feelings/etc? As long as you're on the same page with the other, no wrong is done and nothing anyone can call foul on.
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 37
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 5:36:48 PM

Transmission of hepatitis B virus results from exposure to infectious blood or body fluids such as semen and vaginal fluids.

I know this. As I said.. there were two explainations he gave for HIS contracting it. I'm not sure which is the truth. It doesn't matter because as soon as I found out, the WB portion of our relationship ended.

Ummm you got HepB out of it... That's a pretty good example of 'hurt'
The acute illness causes liver inflammation, vomiting, jaundice and rarely, death. Chronic hepatitis B may eventually cause liver cirrhosis and liver cancer—a fatal disease with very poor response to current chemotherapy.

WRONG. Not once did I say I had HepB. I said he exposed me to it. You are usally much better at reading comprehension than that.
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 38
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 6:34:04 PM

I stand corrected. By your comment of 'exposed' I got the impression that you meant you had been infected but saying it in a shall we say 'delicate way', but was lucky enough to throw it off... I had a friend who did get it sexually, and she had to go through a lot to avoid it becoming chronic...
I am glad for you that you didn't acquire it...

Me too.

So I'll say it again. No one got hurt... so how are they a failed example of FWB?

Each one of us entered into it fully informed. We each knew what the deal was. We each had control over our feelings and emotions and whether or not we wanted to be there and continue along that path. I chose to walk away when my feelings changed because I knew it wasn't what they wanted. I kept myself from getting hurt by doing that. On top of all that.. I'm still friends with each of them... after marriages and babies and divorces and 20 yrs.
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 39
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 7:34:22 PM
*Shrugs* Nothin wrong with believing in fairytales. Just remember there's usually a dark side to them as well as the fairy dust and happy endings.

A lot of men, for a lot of years, have been having unemotional sex with women. I simply made a decision when I was about 21-22 that I wasn't going to eliminate something from my life that I enjoyed. I wasn't going to allow a double standard to rule my life. I don't prescribe to the idea that a man can have multiple partners and be called a stud, while a woman who has had multiple partners is called a slut. That just doesn't work for me.

That being said.. between that age and 27 (5 years), I had 3 partners.. including the man I'd marry. So not like I was a big whore about it. I just didn't limit myself or feel guilt if I decided to have sex with someone I wasn't in an exclusive/romantic relationship with. It does take a little mental excercising to change thought patterns, and there are people who don't want to do that.

We've all heard that old adage about women needing a reason and men just need a place... Billy Crystal said it. Goes along with women having sex to feel love, and men love (loving) to have sex. *snicker*

So OP asked why... I'm simply sharing my reasons for it. I apparently have a rather liberated view of sex and an open mind where physical satisfaction is concerned. I don't expect to change everyone's view about FWB... that would be rather egotistical of me. I'd like to make you think about it tho... just so you see it from a different perspective. That it isn't a bad thing and it can be done without inflicting emotional damage on someone or losing a friendship.

I will say that while the FWB sex was good at that point in time, I do enjoy the sex life I have within the boundaries of my current relationship. What I did and how I lived 20 yrs ago is something I'm not interested in at this point in my life. My current and I started out as FWB because that is all I could offer him at that point. It's grown over the 3.5 yrs, and my feelings have changed along the way, and when they did it was thoroughly and openly discussed. I knew he wanted more, so I felt comfortable telling him things were changing for me. I actually think what I said was "you're stuck with me until you get bored." Apparently he doesn't bore easily.. hehe..
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 40
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 7:36:00 PM

I have personally had several FWB relationships over time. I was in the wedding party of one of my former FWB guys last summer and am good friends with both him and his wife - she is perfectly aware of my former status as an FWB and I'm very happy that they found each other.


One of mine was best friends with the ex and our best man and emcee when we got married!
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 41
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 7:55:04 PM
I just spent this past weekend with my exFWB (but still best friends) and his wife!
I was also in their wedding and her and I are great friends......probably because she has the same mentality as I do when it comes to ex's not being a threat to our relationships.
 LAgoodguy
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 42
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 8:38:41 PM
Some people are more sexual then others. It goes for both man and woman. Sometimes you meet someone that you find sexualy very similer to your self but maybe not in a BF/GF way... Its a great way for both people to enjoy life and physical connection. Now its not for everyone, some people have the religious brain wash.. so if someone dont think the way they do they must be wrong. Some just dont like sex as must as others do... So to answer the WHY, Its cause some of us do enjoy sex. We dont look down at others and it works for us. If you need to ask WHY then you would never understand it and you would think like you do. Everyone else is wrong and you are always right.
 eightbitzero
Joined: 4/28/2011
Msg: 43
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/26/2011 9:45:20 AM
Ok... To all the haters that's been hating on me for this thread.. Since there's to many to reply to ill do it as a whole, with just a simple opinion. Of course I'm "open" to suggestions

In my opinion... Any woman that has a fwb or fb in between relationships is in my opinion, suffering from a lack of respect and control... Like the one guy said.. A woman back in the day, that sleeps around would have been considered a slut or whore... But what's the difference between a slut, whore and the modern woman/teen with fb's... NOTHING!... Oh wait sorry.. I'm wrong.. A whore does strangers and gets paid, a slut does strangers and doesn't get paid... And a modern woman/teen... "IN MY OPINION"... Does randoms (strangers) and friends.. And still doesn't get paid... With what in return.. A good feeling of stress relief?...

I'm sorry but why should I respect someone whom obviously doesn't respect themselves... Old fashioned morals and values here lol
 jblack187
Joined: 8/28/2010
Msg: 44
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/26/2011 9:51:34 AM
In my experience, FWB usually works like this.

Guy wants to be with girl. They have sex, and are basically a couple...but the girl is still calling herself single. Hiding behind "we're not official".

I'm sure there's been situations where the FWB thing was mutually agreed on, but for the most part I think those types of relationships have one person that actually wants a relationship while the other one is not committing. I was FWB with a girl for several months before we started dating officially back in high school. It was totally just her being difficult. Not wanting to date me officially until I graduated for whatever reason.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 45
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/26/2011 10:16:16 AM
Any woman that has a fwb or fb in between relationships is in my opinion, suffering from a lack of respect and control

1. As a side note, there's a difference between a FWB and a FB. FWB are two people who are otherwise just friends, but have those benefits on the side. Being on the same page is key there. FB is someone is more like a bar-buddy... situation-oriented-only. That too can be a sexual outlet, as opposed to being a serial one-night-stander with strangers.

2. Lack of respect in reference to what? Lack of control of what? You're basically saying that having sex with someone knowingly outside a relationship is Wrong. That it's disrespectful to oneself (because it's Wrong), thus a lack of control from preventing oneself from doing something Wrong. Okay -- but the ball is in your court -- how is it Wrong, having sex outside of a relationship in and of itself? How is that disrespectful to oneself? You're not leading yourself on (like folks who get involved in LD relationships that have a 99.9% chance of not working), nor fooling yourself of anything.

If anything when one's in between relationships (on the rebound) and not ready for a new relationship, it would be "wrong" to jump into a relationship because one may be fooling themselves and/or the other person in doing so. But why do people do that? Because they have shame when it comes to anything that would be too casual or FWB-like while in that phase. At least with the latter, you definitely have potential to prevent leading folks on and being straight & on the same page.

I think it's just a cultural thing that's doling out disrespect toward others when it comes to knowingly engaging in sexual relations with someone they know, mutually without a relationship in mind. I think it could also be fueled by some bitter people who ended up wanting more with someone and shot themselves in the foot by doing so in yesteryear... or even someone they wanted to get, but found out they weren't ready to date and were blocked by finding out they had a FWB.
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 46
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/26/2011 10:50:35 AM
OP you ask why people did it. You apparently already had the answer before asking the question... so why did you bother asking?


In my opinion..

In my opinion.. your opinion doesn't affect me or my life one iota. You are entitled to it.

Also just my opinion, just because you don't agree with someone who's ideals and opinions don't coincide with your own, does not give you the right to be disrespectful and rude to them.

You asked, and many have taken their time to explain to you their reasons why, and you in turn call them names. Curious... does this opinion of yours also apply to men because I notice you are really only referring to the women who have or have had FWB/FB. There's some heavy psychology and sexism at work here.
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 47
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/26/2011 12:10:32 PM

im really shocked as to what i am reading and kinda amused. never heard of someone having fwbs and love them like a real friend. the fwbs i had in the past were just guys i met knew for a short while then became fwbs they were NOT friends

You yourself said they weren't friends. I would call them FB.. f*ck buddies.

My FWB were friends first... like 10 and 5 yrs before we got naked with one another. That's the difference... there was a mutual friendship between us. Sounds like those guys were only after one thing.

My FB is only ever just the FB. I have never deluded myself into thinking there was more to it other than the sex. He was clear when he approached me. I was equally as clear when I agreed. He's free to f*ck whomever he wants. So am I. There's always plenty of condoms around and it's never been an issue to use them.

People often miss the part where FWB means you are FRIENDS first.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 48
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/26/2011 12:43:27 PM

im really shocked as to what i am reading and kinda amused. never heard of someone having fwbs and love them like a real friend. the fwbs i had in the past were just guys i met knew for a short while then became fwbs they were NOT friends only when they wanted something. they only cared about themselves and were very selfish emotionally abusive

Why would you even consider classifying this as a FWB.
There isn't any friendship here at all.
This is strictly a FB........and not a good one at that!
Does calling it a FWB make you feel better about yourself?
I don't see the need personally......if a FB is what you want.....stand proud.

as no1bby stated...........a FWB is someone that was a friend first. someone you have already established a trusting,compassionate relationship with.
The reason FWB's can stay friends after the "B" ends......is because there is already an established friendship in place.
And yes, most FWB's do talk about the "rules" of their relationship....and respect each other enough to adhere to them.

mchurch likes to go on and on about his player friends having multiple FWB's.....and how they screw around on the side.
I really wonder if these players were truly "Friends" with these women.......or like blueceleste are using the FWB label when in fact it's really a FB situation.
My personal opinion.........these guys don't consider these girls friends......
because in my world.......a real friend would never disrespect another in that way nor would they put them at risk with such behavior.
I've said it before........I'll say it again.........I'm damn glad my friends are nothing like mchurch's friends! and yes, no matter how much you spout ......I do know my FWB is a true friend that respects our friendship.
 DivineBovine
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 49
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/26/2011 3:44:23 PM

Any woman that has a fwb or fb in between relationships is in my opinion, suffering from a lack of respect and control...


but it's okay for men to have a fwb?

got it.

my opinion is that you're a sexist pig who gets off on feeling morally superior to other people.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 50
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/26/2011 9:21:22 PM
fwb or fb is basically the same thing anyway

No.......they aren't the same.
One is a friend first.....and a friend after.
the other is someone you meet and decide to have sex with without strings....when the sex ends......they disappear from your life.

^^^ that might be your experience......but I've never had sex with any man expecting to exchange a relationship for it. Whether it be a man I'm dating.....or a FWB.
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