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Show ALL Forums  > Sex and Dating  > Friends with Benefits... WHY!?      Home login  
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 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 51
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?Page 3 of 14    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)

Why? I can promise you that 99.9% of the time when someone has a FWB you can bet that either the male or the female is allowing it to happen under the hopes that feelings will develop and a relationship will be the result. One of them always wants it to be more than FWB.


With FWB#1.. I had a crush on him, but kept it to myself. He knows now because I told him. When my feelings changed and I started to want more, was about the same time that he met and fell in love with someone. Being that we were FRIENDS first, I did the honorable thing and stepped back and let him follow the path he wanted.

With FWB#2.. he was far too odd to make a romantic relationship with. Actually.. the WB portion ended when he contracted and exposed me to HepB. He wasn't honest with me and it broke my trust in him.

With the FB.. sure.. eventually my feelings changed and I would have liked more, again, because I knew it wasn't what he wanted I stepped back.

So.. the OP saying there is a lack of control.. I say pffft. Speak for yourself.

Religion has nothing at all whatsoever to do with morals or values. If it did, why are there so many pedophiles within the priesthood? How a person was raised can have bearing on their life, or not if they choose to ignore the bad they may have known. I wasn't raised in a religious household, but was raised to respect people.
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 52
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/24/2011 8:22:29 PM


With FWB#1.. I had a crush on him, but kept it to myself.
With FWB#2.. he was far too odd to make a romantic relationship with. Actually.. the WB portion ended when he contracted and exposed me to HepB. He wasn't honest with me and it broke my trust in him.

eventually my feelings changed and I would have liked more,

Well, that seems like a ringing endorsement of why NOT to have a FWB.....
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 53
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/24/2011 8:44:22 PM
I have to agree with ya on that one mchurch!
those are not examples of a a FWB working out for both parties!
 Dj6000
Joined: 8/8/2009
Msg: 54
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/24/2011 9:54:26 PM
Well with me to be honest.. i cant handle a girlfriend my sex drives too high. I like having sex with other women. i dont seem to find myself having sex with one person for a long period of time. usually 3 weeks stronge then someone new. its a bad happit.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 55
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/24/2011 10:23:52 PM
^^^^ One more time in English please...
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 56
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/24/2011 11:00:39 PM

WHAT IS THE POINT?



The point is...some of us enjoy and appreciate having a FWB.
 2sweetie4u2
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 57
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 2:38:25 AM
Exactly! I agree with Player Two
 SylvanSwan
Joined: 8/5/2008
Msg: 58
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 5:40:26 AM

...is that even so-so sex beats porn and self-service...


abelian, I'm sure it is like that for some but quite frankly I would prefer the porn/toys than so-so sex. If I am craving a steak, why have hamburger helper? lol.

I am not into FWB myself but I have never seen a FWB among any of my friends work out. Ever. They get so strongly attached (rather quickly too most of the time) and when the guy moves on, they are broken hearted and depressed by the experience.

I'm not saying they don't work, but its just that I've never seen a successful FWB relationship turn out for the positive. I'm guessing because of the lack of maturity on the side of the one getting attached and hurt by the process.
 pointoffact
Joined: 7/12/2011
Msg: 59
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 6:21:55 AM
Where can I get one?
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 60
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 6:42:39 AM

Well, that seems like a ringing endorsement of why NOT to have a FWB.....


I have to agree with ya on that one mchurch!
those are not examples of a a FWB working out for both parties!

How did they not work? We had mutally satisfying sex and maintained a friendship afterwards?

The guy with HepB might be an example of why communication is necessary. I'm still not clear on how he contracted it considering he's told me a couple of conflicting stories.

No one got hurt.. we've maintained friendships... how is that not successful?
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 61
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 6:55:14 AM

I often think FWB is just a way to have sex whilst waiting for someone better to show up...
Then again I haven't even had sex yet, so maybe I am biased...


..In some cases that's EXACTLY what it is,,,what's wrong with that?

The only thing that makes ANY relationship not worthy is when the people involved aren't on the same page.
 Lolita_LeBron
Joined: 1/12/2011
Msg: 62
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 7:14:30 AM
As far as toys and porn, people eventually get tired of that. There is no contact whatsoever, and they are not about to pay for sex. As for what people put down in their profiles, as to what they want or prefer, that is their business. It is everyone's business when those same people post in the forums with something that totally contradicts what their profiles put forth. Putting down not looking for a booty call in their profiles is just alerting the possible dates, that they are not on the down low for casual sex. There are people that see what is on profiles, as opposed to what they skim over, and ignore the things that are put down. They continue to email asking for dates, and pushing for sex on the first one.
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 63
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 7:50:49 AM

The guy with HepB might be an example of why communication is necessary. I'm still not clear on how he contracted it considering he's told me a couple of conflicting stories.

Transmission of hepatitis B virus results from exposure to infectious blood or body fluids such as semen and vaginal fluids.



No one got hurt..


Ummm you got HepB out of it... That's a pretty good example of 'hurt'
The acute illness causes liver inflammation, vomiting, jaundice and rarely, death. Chronic hepatitis B may eventually cause liver cirrhosis and liver cancer—a fatal disease with very poor response to current chemotherapy.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 64
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 8:53:46 AM
Most of the women I dated with hopes for a relationship didn't work out. Sex was usually involved, too. So, it seems they barely made it past the FB stage, and most didn't become friends, so weren't even as commited as FWBs would be. No better than casual sex with illusions of potential relationship.

FWB seems like a good solution to me and DOES work for many people. Sure, many don't work out, but most relationships don't either! FWB seems like an ethical solution since there is clarity and informed consent, even if your particular brand of morality frowns on it.
 whytwater
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 65
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 8:56:52 AM

I'm not saying they don't work, but its just that I've never seen a successful FWB relationship turn out for the positive. I'm guessing because of the lack of maturity on the side of the one getting attached and hurt by the process.


How is it immature to begin to feel love for one who provides something you want, or need, or deeply enjoy, and repeatedly? Now, I love whitewater rafting, but I've never fallen in love with a raft, lol; but humans interacting intimately with each other is a whole different kinda thrill, way more complicated, just might be the most noble pursuit, imho. Besides, even if "billions" of FWB arrangements have not been "successful", all the official reports indicate that a similarly stupendous number of marriages likewise fail. Humans evolve, even individually over a lifetime, each at their own respective paces. That paths diverge should not surprise us.


I often think FWB is just a way to have sex whilst waiting for someone better to show up...



..In some cases that's EXACTLY what it is,,,what's wrong with that?

The only thing that makes ANY relationship not worthy is when the people involved aren't on the same page.


Precisely. And cogently put. How can anyone disagree?
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 66
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 12:25:13 PM

Why do people need them? Cause they have sexual appetites that need to be met? Thats why they invented toys and porn.

So you're willing to not have sex with a serious girlfriend -- or even a wife (unless for the sole purpose of having a kid), because there's porn? That will do it for ya, huh? That's not how virtually everyone else is, man. :)

Ive never had, never been offered in any form to be a friend with benefits.

Many times there's not an "offer on the table" -- many times they just flow into such a situation. FWB = you're considered "friends", you refer to them as "my friend [Sally]", but you have had sexual relations with them, and at the same time, no offer to be "dating". Many times, the offer's the other way around if you fool around with them.

While they are getting to know him they will still screw a friend on the side just because they are still single! and think the can do what they want... What a lack of respect!

I agree that's not cool -- and that's where FWB can cause problems. It -can- (but no, not always) get in the way of one's real dating scene if they have relationship thoughts on their mind.

Here's why people like FWB: No dating drama, no strings. You're not dating, you're not a couple, and nor is it expected to on either end. Most of the time, they don't last very long. Someone can (or will) end up being into the other, if they don't live by long distances, aren't opposite "types", etc. It's the person hurting themselves by getting into one if their emotions can't handle it -- not the other person hurting them -- because they knew what they were getting themselves into.

Many times, the FWB situation is fine -- at worst, no more feelings disappointed in the end than the dating scene, and at best -- hands free of expectations, drama, hands-tied, etc. Not something to do while seriously in the real dating circuit with real dating options floating around... but when you're not ready to really date and need time to clear your thoughts/feelings/etc? As long as you're on the same page with the other, no wrong is done and nothing anyone can call foul on.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 67
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 1:19:39 PM
I've had a FWB where we've been friends for years...neither of us wants to date each other...we have different values and lifestyles but while we were both single, we were curious and decided to have a go...we've never had sex since...we have lunch, meet each others current dates and talk frequently...still.

Another one got kinda twisted and ended abruptly when she told me she loved me, yet in the morning told me she was IN a relationship with someone shed been chatting online with (Yet never met!) and considered the night before as cheating...we are not friends anymore. I chalk that one up to failing due to her flakiness.

Another turned into a LTR, then almost a year later ended... I guess by some of your definitions that WOULD have been a successful FWB yet turned into an unsuccessful LTR.

I have another FWB, we hang out....but never seem to have sex UNLESS one of us is IN a relationship...usually in the form of a threesome.

Any relationship is only as successful and fulfilling as the participants let them be...any shenanigans are attributed to individual integrity...the only reason FWB gets a bad rap is due to misuse of the term by people not being honest with each other or themselves. Of course THAT happens in ALL relationships too.
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 68
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 5:36:48 PM

Transmission of hepatitis B virus results from exposure to infectious blood or body fluids such as semen and vaginal fluids.

I know this. As I said.. there were two explainations he gave for HIS contracting it. I'm not sure which is the truth. It doesn't matter because as soon as I found out, the WB portion of our relationship ended.

Ummm you got HepB out of it... That's a pretty good example of 'hurt'
The acute illness causes liver inflammation, vomiting, jaundice and rarely, death. Chronic hepatitis B may eventually cause liver cirrhosis and liver cancer—a fatal disease with very poor response to current chemotherapy.

WRONG. Not once did I say I had HepB. I said he exposed me to it. You are usally much better at reading comprehension than that.
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 69
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 6:16:37 PM

WRONG. Not once did I say I had HepB. I said he exposed me to it. You are usally much better at reading comprehension than that.

I stand corrected. By your comment of 'exposed' I got the impression that you meant you had been infected but saying it in a shall we say 'delicate way', but was lucky enough to throw it off... I had a friend who did get it sexually, and she had to go through a lot to avoid it becoming chronic...
I am glad for you that you didn't acquire it...
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 70
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 6:34:04 PM

I stand corrected. By your comment of 'exposed' I got the impression that you meant you had been infected but saying it in a shall we say 'delicate way', but was lucky enough to throw it off... I had a friend who did get it sexually, and she had to go through a lot to avoid it becoming chronic...
I am glad for you that you didn't acquire it...

Me too.

So I'll say it again. No one got hurt... so how are they a failed example of FWB?

Each one of us entered into it fully informed. We each knew what the deal was. We each had control over our feelings and emotions and whether or not we wanted to be there and continue along that path. I chose to walk away when my feelings changed because I knew it wasn't what they wanted. I kept myself from getting hurt by doing that. On top of all that.. I'm still friends with each of them... after marriages and babies and divorces and 20 yrs.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 71
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 7:26:19 PM
^^^^ Actually FWB usually equals LESS sex partners....

And who ever said there were no feelings?

There's simply an understanding that the relationship is limited.
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 6/27/2009
Msg: 72
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 7:31:14 PM
Still cannot fathom how you can have Sex with someone you 'dont have feelings for'.


But you DO have some feelings for them - of friendship. Remember, the F in FWB stands for "friends".


Another reason why FWB doesn't make sense.... the more sex partners you have, the higher risk of STD's...


Precisely WHY an FWB relationship makes sense to many people. Instead of fvcking around with strangers, FWBs hook up with each other, as a way to blow off steam and enjoy some sexual fun without (a) humpin' and dumpin', (b) having totally meaningless sex with one night stands, (c) risking psychodramatic behavior...et cetera.

I have personally had several FWB relationships over time. I was in the wedding party of one of my former FWB guys last summer and am good friends with both him and his wife - she is perfectly aware of my former status as an FWB and I'm very happy that they found each other. I have other FWBs, all of whom I dearly love AS FRIENDS whether or not we are still lovers. We do stuff like help each other move (there's a true friend for you!), go to hockey games and baseball games together, hang out...just as friends do...and once in a while we get frisky. Or not. If one of us becomes involved with someone special, the other backs off on the benefits past, temporarily or (in the newlyweds' case) permanently.

Simply because someone doesn't agree that it's good or workable for them does not mean that it's not good nor workable for others. Live and let live
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 73
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 7:34:22 PM
*Shrugs* Nothin wrong with believing in fairytales. Just remember there's usually a dark side to them as well as the fairy dust and happy endings.

A lot of men, for a lot of years, have been having unemotional sex with women. I simply made a decision when I was about 21-22 that I wasn't going to eliminate something from my life that I enjoyed. I wasn't going to allow a double standard to rule my life. I don't prescribe to the idea that a man can have multiple partners and be called a stud, while a woman who has had multiple partners is called a slut. That just doesn't work for me.

That being said.. between that age and 27 (5 years), I had 3 partners.. including the man I'd marry. So not like I was a big whore about it. I just didn't limit myself or feel guilt if I decided to have sex with someone I wasn't in an exclusive/romantic relationship with. It does take a little mental excercising to change thought patterns, and there are people who don't want to do that.

We've all heard that old adage about women needing a reason and men just need a place... Billy Crystal said it. Goes along with women having sex to feel love, and men love (loving) to have sex. *snicker*

So OP asked why... I'm simply sharing my reasons for it. I apparently have a rather liberated view of sex and an open mind where physical satisfaction is concerned. I don't expect to change everyone's view about FWB... that would be rather egotistical of me. I'd like to make you think about it tho... just so you see it from a different perspective. That it isn't a bad thing and it can be done without inflicting emotional damage on someone or losing a friendship.

I will say that while the FWB sex was good at that point in time, I do enjoy the sex life I have within the boundaries of my current relationship. What I did and how I lived 20 yrs ago is something I'm not interested in at this point in my life. My current and I started out as FWB because that is all I could offer him at that point. It's grown over the 3.5 yrs, and my feelings have changed along the way, and when they did it was thoroughly and openly discussed. I knew he wanted more, so I felt comfortable telling him things were changing for me. I actually think what I said was "you're stuck with me until you get bored." Apparently he doesn't bore easily.. hehe..
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 74
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 7:36:00 PM

I have personally had several FWB relationships over time. I was in the wedding party of one of my former FWB guys last summer and am good friends with both him and his wife - she is perfectly aware of my former status as an FWB and I'm very happy that they found each other.


One of mine was best friends with the ex and our best man and emcee when we got married!
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 75
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 7/25/2011 7:55:04 PM
I just spent this past weekend with my exFWB (but still best friends) and his wife!
I was also in their wedding and her and I are great friends......probably because she has the same mentality as I do when it comes to ex's not being a threat to our relationships.
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