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Show ALL Forums  > Sex and Dating  > Friends with Benefits... WHY!?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 poker_fan_in_nyc
Joined: 4/6/2007
Msg: 76
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?Page 4 of 14    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)

i hope you have stock in flour company cause you need alot to even find your wet spot



Well this never would've happened if you hadn't lost that bet...will you wonder if your grand-kids will ask you how you met?
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 77
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 8/29/2011 6:00:54 PM
To me it seems very much like unpaid escort, especially if one person is making all the decisions about when/where/etc.

Well, that's not any default rule in any situation -- except maybe actual Dating, in the beginning stages. With that aside, a FWB isn't an escort -- they're not even a FB.... they're a friend, albeit probably not a close one or maybe a pen-pal type who lives away, but they're someone you shoot the sh!t with, hang out in groups with, or talk with and hang out with when both are single whether you "get busy" or not on each occasion. Of course, sometimes they can evolve into FB... which is like house-calls... but they aren't an escort any more than you are. An escort is about a one-sided affair, not a two-sided one, to be fair. It isn't any "escort-like" than being on a Spring break after a breakup and hooking up with someone you met at the bar that night, on the beach later that night.

Why not? If two mature adults want to have intercourse in a safe manor without all the relationship red tape than have at it.

Exactly... of course, the answer to 'why not' would be when it'd be replaced with other red-tape... ie, someone wanting more, settling for a FWB thinking they can handle it, it getting to them, then causing drama with the other person about it when it does get to them... but if two people can set it up the right way, which has been done before -- then there's no integrity lost, no harm done.
 shiftedbeef1
Joined: 5/6/2007
Msg: 78
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 8/30/2011 2:16:17 AM
This is a great topic. Very controversial. It definitely made me sit back and think to myself why do we need to define ourselves as being in a relationship? I agree with whoever posted that getting a relationship is equally as tough as finding a FWB. I think it's more natural for us to have FWB than to have a relationship. Seems less forced.
 bobbijo35
Joined: 7/4/2009
Msg: 79
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 8/30/2011 5:11:45 AM
Right on abelian!!!! I totally agree!
 jsdominant
Joined: 8/2/2011
Msg: 80
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 8/30/2011 6:32:03 AM
From my stand point, too many people take sex way too seriously and have too many hang ups. It is part of the human condition to have sexual desires and urges. To suppress these is totally unnatural. Sex to me is casual and fun. If I am in a marriage where these needs are not being met, they must be met some where else. Meeting these needs with others who are in the situation to me is the common sense thing to do. It does not mean you do not love your spouse, it simply is a way to meet your needs and not go crazy. With some open minded thinking 2 reasonable people can make each other happy without intruding into their "other life."
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 81
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 8/30/2011 8:31:29 PM
and what makes you think that having a boyfriend is less sexually risky than having a FWB?
Do you not think that adults that engage in FWB aren't smart enough to have STD tests and use protection?
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 82
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 8/30/2011 8:44:10 PM

I love sex as much as the next person, but friends with benefits takes anything special out of an actual relationship.

Well, it's not supposed to be a relationship, that's the point. If you don't wish to be or are not ready to be or are not able to be in a lasting relationship with people or a particular person, it actually takes sure-drama out of it if one were to force otherwise.... not everyone is in relationship-or-bust mode in all phases of their lives.

Too much risk of me getting my little heart broken.

No, I hear ya. Nobody should get into a FWB situation... or even a casual-dating-level relationship for too long with someone if they can't emotionally handle it well.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 83
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 8/31/2011 7:47:20 AM

An exclusive FWB? Likely? I think it'd be more likely they'd have several FWB/FB situations going on. I could currently be in 4-5 of these mixed up situations


Just because you could......doesn't mean others would!!

FWB can sound like anything you want it to sound like.....what it "is" to the 2 adults involved is a FRIENDSHIP that includes sex. Period.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 84
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 8/31/2011 9:19:18 AM

An exclusive FWB? Likely? I think it'd be more likely they'd have several FWB/FB situations going on.

Without trust and communication ANY relationship could wind up like that.

Very well said in response. I think some people visualize all FWB the same, as if all relationships are the same as well. With a FWB situation, you know the person well enough to know if they'd be sleeping around or would juggle many others alongside you. Heck, many times to decide to go out on a 3rd or 4th date with someone, you have to decide whether if you sleep with them, that they'd still be hooking up with others. A FWB situation is something you definitely have to be comfortable in....
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 85
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 8/31/2011 12:49:59 PM
most of us have a FWB because we don't want a relationship......it isn't about having a daily dose of sex.......but having our sexual and intimacy needs met every once in awhile to keep us sane.
Most people not in a relationship are either not getting laid at all......or are dating as many people as possible to get laid as often as possible.
Me.....I prefer hooking up with my friend every now and then...instead of either of those possibilities.
 goodkindacrazy
Joined: 3/3/2009
Msg: 86
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 8/31/2011 3:01:00 PM
At this point in my life I am not ready for a committed relationship. I have some leftover financial baggage from my marriage I am trying to clean up plus I have three teenagers living at home. I don't think its fair to ask a man to take on this kind of situation, nor do I actually want a man to. I spent most of my life in a committed relationship and now I just want to enjoy some me time. I am not bitter against men, quite the opposite. I enjoy a mans company and I enjoy the intimacy of sex. I like FWB because I can spend time with someone that I care about, someone that cares about me in some small way and know that neither of us is expecting more than that.
 gentleplus
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 87
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 8/31/2011 8:40:01 PM
As men mature and hormone levels drop slightly we discover relationship is deeper than Mr Happy..... And FWB is not an easy thing to do for anyone of either gender..... we are all preprogrammed to make pair bonds..... thats the end of it
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 88
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 8/31/2011 9:30:19 PM

and if hey have a fwb i can assure you they have more than one.

Wow, it must be really cool to know exactly what every person in this world is doing or not doing!!


it makes us few good woman look bad.

prove to me that I'm bad because I have a FWB, and try doing it with facts instead of your personal judgements.
 DivineBovine
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 89
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 4:07:11 AM

it makes us few good woman look bad...


you think you're "good" because you're on a moral high horse?

the simple answer is - if you don't want one, don't have one - or many, since you seem to think that "you can't have just one".

 jsdominant
Joined: 8/2/2011
Msg: 90
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 6:35:58 AM
I am with you sister!
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 91
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 7:17:45 AM

try doing it with facts instead of your personal judgements.

Ummm isn't that almost impossible..?

actually it is quite easy.......you can offer your opinion without the judgements or name calling.
But an opinion isn't always a fact, so blanket demeaning statements about those that have different views on a topic just make the poster sound ignorant and judgemental.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 92
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 7:28:29 AM
Msg: 202: At this point in my life I am not ready for a committed relationship. I have some leftover financial baggage from my marriage I am trying to clean up plus I have three teenagers living at home. I don't think its fair to ask a man to take on this kind of situation, nor do I actually want a man to.
I spent most of my life in a committed relationship and now I just want to enjoy some me time. I am not bitter against men, quite the opposite. I enjoy a mans company and I enjoy the intimacy of sex. I like FWB because I can spend time with someone that I care about, someone that cares about me in some small way and know that neither of us is expecting more than that.

If I may, goodkindacrazy, I would point to your post as an example of an FWB (or candidate for one) that I would seek if I were considering a Friend with Benefits.

Someone who…

already has much experience in committed relationships and enjoys men

is not bitter and confused, or emotionally unavailable

has circumstances in her life that preclude a traditional relationship at this time

wants a limited but caring partnership – for good company and friendship, and intimate sex

…and (my addition) is content with monogamy.


My usual definition of FWB in the past (to be literal about it) meant having a friendship already in place to which the benefits of sex were added

or a romantic relationship already in place, from which certain expectations of each other have been reduced or removed, but the sex remained.

But I am revising my view… I don't see why the “Friend” component couldn't be in the “FWB” anytime a genuine friendship is established, from the time sexual intimacy begins or even after. Who's to say Fcuk Buddies couldn't become genuine friends?

But I notice in discussions about FWB (and there’ve been many), about 95% of the participants describe a relationship that doesn't include “Friendship” at all.

It seems that FWB is now a euphemism for Fcuk Buddy or Bootie Call or almost any casual sex, or even a convenient “come-on” for various predatory sexual practices.

So I think when FWB is being offered or discussed it’s wise to look past the label and consider the actual relationship under consideration.

In my view, for a FWB relationship to be genuine and successful, the people in it must be willing and able to be friends. They must want to be friends. They must be capable of being friends. And they must be able to conduct themselves responsibly in that friendship.

If those requirements were met, then 95% of the real problems would be addressed. And about 95% of the imaginary criticisms here would be dismissed.

They’re not about FWB or a friendly relationship. They’re about some other kind of sexual arrangement or exploitive agenda that's crept in under the umbrella.

Be wise. When considering arguments here, for or against, or when fielding offers from abroad – Look Past The Label!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 93
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 10:26:22 AM

Your observations & the comments by...I think it's m_church...are why many people have a negative view of FWB. It's why I can't let myself get into that situation. It's not because I am judging anyone & think it's morally wrong. It's because my past experiences have been so bad. I know myself. It is not for me.

I respect this post. This is really what this thread comes down to. A combination of having a bad experience with FWB, or something someone told you was FWB, and knowing it's not your thing. Know yourself.

If it's not for you, it's perfectly healthy to be aware of it and choose not to participate. What's bad for you isn't bad for everyone. If others choose to - let them. It doesn't make them wrong, it just makes them capable of dealing with it. Don't worry about what others do. Live your own life.
 whiteboyrick
Joined: 10/1/2006
Msg: 94
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 4:12:00 PM
I see nothing wrong with having a FWB. Sometimes some people just don't have time for a serious relationship, but still want the benefits. *Raises hand*
 whiteboyrick
Joined: 10/1/2006
Msg: 95
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 4:29:06 PM
You worked 16 hour shifts all week and still have time for a serious relationship?
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 96
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 7:06:41 PM

You worked 16 hour shifts all week and still have time for a serious relationship?

If it's important enough to you, you can make the time and find the energy for anything.
 canonshooter
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 97
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/3/2011 1:15:41 PM
I know alot of threads have been coasting down this track but i have yet to see a WHY thread. So my question is ... why friends with benefits?
---------------------------------
"alot" is not a word!
 sexypunkgirl
Joined: 1/16/2011
Msg: 98
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/4/2011 1:16:07 AM
I never had friends with benefits of the opposite sex. just a couple long term relationships. How ever my BF used to be a manwhore. His reason. He never found a girl he wanted a relationship with, so why bother starting one. But like any guy they all have needs. So I guess makes sense. And after hearing stories from his other friends and finding out how crazy some of these women are, i dont blame him for not wanting a relationship with them.

Now for me.. I have had friends with benefits of the same sex. Thats the whole point of my profile on here, thats mostly what im looking for. WHY. Because i dont want to date and marry another woman. How ever I find women a whole lot of fun. So i guess technically we are FWB.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 99
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/29/2011 9:36:11 AM

The fact is, it's only safer if you absolutely can trust your FWB to be monogmaous and honest... If your FWB has other FWB's then you could be at a higher risk...

The point of the "F" in FWB is established friendship. The point of FWB is to enjoy sex in a safe arrangement to avoid sleeping with strangers or multiple people, with someone else you know and trust that wants the SAME arrangement. Both should agree they don't want more than that for whatever reason. 16 hour work days, for example.

If people followed the true sense of the word, they wouldn't wonder about trust. If you're already friends with someone and have some interest in their well being before the sex comes in, that's an actual FWB. If you're sleeping with someone that's sleeping with others, that's just random sex. There's nothing FWB about it.

What most are worried about here is a different arrangement - perhaps NSA, or FB or just causal sex. The point of FWB is to eliminate the casual aspect of sex between relationships. Many people have started to use FWB for things that aren't, and that's what causes all this debate.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 100
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/29/2011 11:03:41 AM

It takes a strong minded individual to have this kind of relationship in order to not get too confused with your emotions ;)

Agreed here. There are some people that cannot compartmentalize something like this and cannot have sex without attachment. We all have emotions, but some cannot separate those from romantic feelings.

Those people are not wrong or weak, rather they are just not wired for it. Knowing this and avoiding it if you are that person is the right thing to do.

Telling people who cannot or don't want to do what you do or do something you can't do in the same way that they are bad, or anything else negative is the wrong thing to do.
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