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Show ALL Forums  > Sex and Dating  > Friends with Benefits... WHY!?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 SC67
Joined: 6/21/2009
Msg: 104
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?Page 5 of 14    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)
You are 100% correct, MutedEnthusiasm. Your observations & the comments by...I think it's m_church...are why many people have a negative view of FWB. It's why I can't let myself get into that situation. It's not because I am judging anyone & think it's morally wrong. It's because my past experiences have been so bad. I know myself. It is not for me.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 105
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 10:26:22 AM

Your observations & the comments by...I think it's m_church...are why many people have a negative view of FWB. It's why I can't let myself get into that situation. It's not because I am judging anyone & think it's morally wrong. It's because my past experiences have been so bad. I know myself. It is not for me.

I respect this post. This is really what this thread comes down to. A combination of having a bad experience with FWB, or something someone told you was FWB, and knowing it's not your thing. Know yourself.

If it's not for you, it's perfectly healthy to be aware of it and choose not to participate. What's bad for you isn't bad for everyone. If others choose to - let them. It doesn't make them wrong, it just makes them capable of dealing with it. Don't worry about what others do. Live your own life.
 whiteboyrick
Joined: 10/1/2006
Msg: 106
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 4:12:00 PM
I see nothing wrong with having a FWB. Sometimes some people just don't have time for a serious relationship, but still want the benefits. *Raises hand*
 whiteboyrick
Joined: 10/1/2006
Msg: 107
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 4:29:06 PM
You worked 16 hour shifts all week and still have time for a serious relationship?
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 108
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 7:06:41 PM

You worked 16 hour shifts all week and still have time for a serious relationship?

If it's important enough to you, you can make the time and find the energy for anything.
 canonshooter
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 109
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/3/2011 1:15:41 PM
I know alot of threads have been coasting down this track but i have yet to see a WHY thread. So my question is ... why friends with benefits?
---------------------------------
"alot" is not a word!
 sexypunkgirl
Joined: 1/16/2011
Msg: 110
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/4/2011 1:16:07 AM
I never had friends with benefits of the opposite sex. just a couple long term relationships. How ever my BF used to be a manwhore. His reason. He never found a girl he wanted a relationship with, so why bother starting one. But like any guy they all have needs. So I guess makes sense. And after hearing stories from his other friends and finding out how crazy some of these women are, i dont blame him for not wanting a relationship with them.

Now for me.. I have had friends with benefits of the same sex. Thats the whole point of my profile on here, thats mostly what im looking for. WHY. Because i dont want to date and marry another woman. How ever I find women a whole lot of fun. So i guess technically we are FWB.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 112
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/29/2011 9:36:11 AM

The fact is, it's only safer if you absolutely can trust your FWB to be monogmaous and honest... If your FWB has other FWB's then you could be at a higher risk...

The point of the "F" in FWB is established friendship. The point of FWB is to enjoy sex in a safe arrangement to avoid sleeping with strangers or multiple people, with someone else you know and trust that wants the SAME arrangement. Both should agree they don't want more than that for whatever reason. 16 hour work days, for example.

If people followed the true sense of the word, they wouldn't wonder about trust. If you're already friends with someone and have some interest in their well being before the sex comes in, that's an actual FWB. If you're sleeping with someone that's sleeping with others, that's just random sex. There's nothing FWB about it.

What most are worried about here is a different arrangement - perhaps NSA, or FB or just causal sex. The point of FWB is to eliminate the casual aspect of sex between relationships. Many people have started to use FWB for things that aren't, and that's what causes all this debate.
 christyis4real
Joined: 7/6/2011
Msg: 113
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/29/2011 9:55:27 AM
Porn and toys are great temporarily, but people crave human touch. At least I do. I have a friend with benefits, and I never thought that I would EVER go that route in a million years. It's worked good for me. I work a lot and I am tired a lot. Not a lot of time to date in between, so that's when the FWB comes to play. He's a VERY good friend who happens to be very good in the bedroom and I get the human touch and affection that I crave. Then I go home and do my thing. I don't screw around and he doesn't screw around but if we found that special someone we would both understand and the FWB "relationship" would seize. It takes a strong minded individual to have this kind of relationship in order to not get too confused with your emotions ;)
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 114
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/29/2011 11:03:41 AM

It takes a strong minded individual to have this kind of relationship in order to not get too confused with your emotions ;)

Agreed here. There are some people that cannot compartmentalize something like this and cannot have sex without attachment. We all have emotions, but some cannot separate those from romantic feelings.

Those people are not wrong or weak, rather they are just not wired for it. Knowing this and avoiding it if you are that person is the right thing to do.

Telling people who cannot or don't want to do what you do or do something you can't do in the same way that they are bad, or anything else negative is the wrong thing to do.
 christyis4real
Joined: 7/6/2011
Msg: 115
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/29/2011 11:08:43 AM
If that's what they see when they read my response, then they must possess some kind of self esteem issue. The ones who have actually had a FWB understand what I am talking about regarding being strong minded. That is all that matters.
 anazdaddy
Joined: 1/6/2009
Msg: 116
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/29/2011 11:16:14 AM
FWB have their time and place. It is not up to me nor anyone else to judge what 2 people want to do behind closed doors. Like so much else in life, we have choices. If you don't want a FWB type relationship, then don't have one.
 anazdaddy
Joined: 1/6/2009
Msg: 117
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/29/2011 11:16:25 AM
FWB have their time and place. It is not up to me nor anyone else to judge what 2 people want to do behind closed doors. Like so much else in life, we have choices. If you don't want a FWB type relationship, then don't have one.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 118
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/29/2011 8:47:09 PM
^^^^ exactly!!

every time he posts that crap I tell my friends how much I adore them....because my friends are sure a helluva lot different than his!
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 119
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/30/2011 2:50:58 AM
I've never done it myself. I'd only do it with one specific person. The reason? Well, it's gonna sound weird. She's a sweet, wonderful woman, and I have very strong feelings for her, but I have absolutely no physical attraction to her. And without it, I'd find it very difficult to have a romantic relationship with her. At the same time though, I want her to know my feelings for her, and I want her to feel loved and wanted, as well as pleasured. So, since we're both single anyway, I'd like to make love to her now and then, or even just cuddle with her, but only want to maintain our current friendship.

I don't expect that's the reason most people do it, but that's my reason.

Oops, just remembered I did do it once...for a coupla years around age 12-14 or so...with another guy...experimenting, but basically just friends having sex. I'm straight (unless you count trans) so it was never more than that. But at that age, we hardly even considered the distinction.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 120
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/30/2011 5:45:38 AM
Firstly from the initial header, if you cant discern the difference between sex with not just "a" person, but with a person you know well and masturbation porn and toys then I really do feel sorry for you. And believe youre really missing the entire concept of "sex" if those are "equal" to you

Secondly, the women you mention werent "contradicting" themselves

Sex with "randoms" and booty calls are JUST sex, which I'm not saying cant be good, but its a very functional act and is far closer to masturbation using porn than and FWB as the person might as well be a hooker or an escort.

Theres also the "unknown" quantities with "randoms" relating to sexual history, sexual health and physical safety

So theres a very VERY big difference between the things you mention and having sex with someone who is a FRIEND with benefits (friend is the important word there) because to be an FWB its someone you know, socialise with and get on with well enough to have formed a friendship, but where the missing ingredient that meant it could develop into an LTR just wasnt there

So not only do you have that better knowledge of each other, mutual respect and know;edge of each others sexual past already thrown in, but the actual intimacy and sex itself is usually far better than any of the other alternatives you mention as you have the underpinnings of the more important aspects of an actual relationship there too like actually being friends, getting on, similar personalities, sense of humour, outlook, values etc etc

Although as you say theres a LOT of threads about this on here there really isnt, most of them seem to be confusing an FB with a FWB and the two are quite different things
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 121
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/30/2011 9:32:15 AM

The difference between sex with a friend and sex with a lover is that all the projections and assumptions about each other (so very common in so-called lover relationships) are absent.

That’s a good point, one I’ve seldom seen made here. We see our friends through such different eyes – absent of the fuzzy Hallmark glow and romantic notions of endless devotion. And sex with them has different meanings too, comes from different motivations, plays a different role in the relationship, and in our lives.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 122
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/30/2011 1:01:16 PM

I could be wrong...but I think people who want a 'friends with benefits' experience is because they want sex without an actual relationship.

yes, this is "mostly" correct.......it isn't always just "sex", but can also be about sharing intimacy or just feeling the need to be touched and held closely.

so it's better to do it with someone they kinda know.

Personally.....I don't consider someone I "kinda" know as a friend...I would consider them an acquaintance. Everyone has different opinions on what is a FWB and what a FB is.......but...for me.....a FWB is someone that was already a friend with established trust, compassion and respect in place.

I do feel many women think that by entering one of these F.W.B....that the guy will somehow want to have a relationship with them and fall in love with them

Ya know, I've seen this thrown out in these these threads soooo many times that I can only giggle about it. Many times it's also stated that the women will automatically fall in love because of the sex.
It is a scientific fact that men fall in love quicker than women.
(Don't believe me.....google it!)
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 123
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/30/2011 1:02:19 PM
Most actual relationships tend to collapse because of communication problems too, so do many "just" friendships

So I cant really see the overshadowing relevance there tbh

Most of ANY type of interpersonal relationships tend to fall down if communication is bad, expectations dont match, one person is dishonest, or personalities or values dont match


Its not something thats unique ONLY to FWBs you know
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 124
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/30/2011 1:50:58 PM

but I think people who want a 'friends with benefits' experience is because they want sex without an actual relationship.

Well, a friendship relationship, but yes, no drama of a romantic (deeper, personal, complex, etc) relationship, when:
- They or the other person is not ready for a relationship
- Distance or other issues would prevent a healthy relationship
- One or both isn't fully attracted to the other enough as a match, but are sexually compatible

But I don't think it's JUST about sex -- that'd be a booty call. It's a friendship with sex on the side. It's kind of like someone at work you bond well with, hang out with sometimes, but you have an affair with -- without it being an affair of someone cheating on someone.... and just keeping it on that level.

That is something that goes against my personal values

I've always thought -- why, tho? I can see in most FWB situations it carries potential emotional-related problems, but then again, so do many dating situations, and in either type of situation, it's a case by case basis where it's a wise thing or not. Having sex when not in a relationship doesn't mean sleeping around....

I think people who have a bad taste in their mouth about FWB, aside from a personal experience of getting burned from one, stems from wanting to be wanted. Too commonly in this world, guys are at jerks and women are b!tches if they don't have full/entire interest in and the other person does. I think people see a FWB as the other person not wanting them "enough" -- and wanting sex? Oh, heck no!, right? Well, yeah, don't.... don't even be (close) friends w/o benefits! :) It doesn't take "benefits" to end up feeling hurt and disappointed.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 125
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/30/2011 2:31:39 PM

I haven't and wouldn't try a 'friend with benefits' arrangement because it doesn't seem correct to me.

Agreed. "To me" being the key in that sentence.

I could be wrong...but I think people who want a 'friends with benefits' experience is because they want sex without an actual relationship.

That's exactly right. Too much going on, not emotionally healthy, not finding someone they want a relationship with. Sure.

That is something that goes against my personal values.

Not being in the right place for a relationship but wishing you still had the sex? OK, to each their own. I get not acting on it, but I don't get not agreeing with the feeling.

However, they don't want to have sex with a perfect stranger, so it's better to do it with someone they kinda know (hence the friends).

This is right, except for the "kinda" part. The person is better off being someone you know pretty well.

I do feel many women think that by entering one of these F.W.B....that the guy will somehow want to have a relationship with them and fall in love with them, which is incorrect.

Perhaps. Sometimes the guy thinks more will happen. Sometimes the woman does.

Sometimes it happens to men too, that's why many F.W.B. arrangements don't work, and someone ends up getting hurt emotionally. I'm sure some of these do work, but you have to make sure both people understand the rules and the expectations.

Exactly. Simply enough - both people agree on the terms and stick to them - ending the arrangement if their feelings change or they meet someone. Or...they don't make the arrangement in the first place if it's not for them. Easy easy.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 126
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/30/2011 3:34:16 PM

Exactly. Simply enough - both people agree on the terms and stick to them - ending the arrangement if their feelings change or they meet someone


I guess really what you could kind of boil it down to is

Two people meet, find they have a connection and a friendship develops

The realise theres a mutual physical attraction there too

They (should) discuss their views, values and morals, and agree on what is or isnt permissable within the bounds of the "interaction"

Then during it they (should) be honest and open with each other, treat each other with respect and respect their boundaries and values as per discussed prior to it starting

Then if it either stops working for one of them, one of their priorities and needs change to something that cant be accomodated within the framework of the agreement or they fall for someone else they end it as amicably and as respectfully as possible


Which is different to any other type of "real" relationship how exactly?

Hell, marriages are (or should be) based on the same basic constituent parts
 Della D
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 127
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/30/2011 4:27:22 PM
Wow, interesting to see how strongly people here feel about the FWB issue!

Please, to each their own, and I personally do not see anything wrong with a FWB thingy, as long as both parties involved are honest and agree about the terms and what it entails.

As for the OP's perceived contradictions in profiles:
If someone states in their profile they are "Not looking for booty call and/or random" but let you know that they are currently having a FWB means just that: They are not looking for another one. Where is the contradiction?
 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 128
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/30/2011 5:55:17 PM
Very long thread which I won't go through.Women have had FWB's for decades.They would seek a guy who wouldn't be clingy.Then they can cruise the cosmos without worry.They felt that the guy should be understanding of this.Never been part of this scenario,but if the roles are reversed...what will we hear?
 Deadflower
Joined: 10/25/2011
Msg: 129
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 10/30/2011 6:25:23 PM
I just joined and I want sex and not a platonic relationship. I have close female and gay male friends. However this does not mean I want to be bent over by random strangers and that is exactly the kind of replies I have been getting. I am 50 and I don't want to wait for Mr Right any longer. I want an intimate relationship that includes time spent together holding hands and doing things. I may never want to live with this person. I definitely need mutual respect.
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