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Show ALL Forums  > Sex and Dating  > Friends with Benefits... WHY!?      Home login  
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 DivineBovine
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 201
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?Page 9 of 14    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)

it makes us few good woman look bad...


you think you're "good" because you're on a moral high horse?

the simple answer is - if you don't want one, don't have one - or many, since you seem to think that "you can't have just one".

 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 202
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 4:10:39 AM

try doing it with facts instead of your personal judgements.

Ummm isn't that almost impossible..? I mean, isn't "good" or "bad" really a matter of personal judgement anyways... facts or no facts....?
At least that's how I see it...LOL
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 203
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 4:21:35 AM

In fact, people like you are what gives FWB's a bad name...

Considering I've never had a FWB that's a pretty strange thing to say... There's a reason I don't do FWB, and a big part of that is because I wouldn't use a friend for just sex... But then, neither have I had a need to do so either....


I'm embarrassed for you...

That's your personal opinion...


actually it's men like you that give men a bad stereotype!

Ahh, there you go again, insults... and little digs... See, I'd insult you, but then I'd be feeling embarrassed for doing it... Insults are no way to have a discussion or an argument...
But then, that' my opinion...


I have no respect for men who deceive, use or play women.

Tha'ts ok... I don't need your respect, nor did I ask for it...
 twillorn1
Joined: 6/3/2010
Msg: 204
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 5:30:58 AM
Friends with benefits.... Because 1. you don't have time for a real relationship. 2. the other person isn't ready for a real relationship. 3. Why not...

It's never as uncomplicated as it seems...
 jsdominant
Joined: 8/2/2011
Msg: 205
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 6:35:58 AM
I am with you sister!
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 206
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 7:17:45 AM

try doing it with facts instead of your personal judgements.

Ummm isn't that almost impossible..?

actually it is quite easy.......you can offer your opinion without the judgements or name calling.
But an opinion isn't always a fact, so blanket demeaning statements about those that have different views on a topic just make the poster sound ignorant and judgemental.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 207
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 7:28:29 AM
Msg: 202: At this point in my life I am not ready for a committed relationship. I have some leftover financial baggage from my marriage I am trying to clean up plus I have three teenagers living at home. I don't think its fair to ask a man to take on this kind of situation, nor do I actually want a man to.
I spent most of my life in a committed relationship and now I just want to enjoy some me time. I am not bitter against men, quite the opposite. I enjoy a mans company and I enjoy the intimacy of sex. I like FWB because I can spend time with someone that I care about, someone that cares about me in some small way and know that neither of us is expecting more than that.

If I may, goodkindacrazy, I would point to your post as an example of an FWB (or candidate for one) that I would seek if I were considering a Friend with Benefits.

Someone who…

already has much experience in committed relationships and enjoys men

is not bitter and confused, or emotionally unavailable

has circumstances in her life that preclude a traditional relationship at this time

wants a limited but caring partnership – for good company and friendship, and intimate sex

…and (my addition) is content with monogamy.


My usual definition of FWB in the past (to be literal about it) meant having a friendship already in place to which the benefits of sex were added

or a romantic relationship already in place, from which certain expectations of each other have been reduced or removed, but the sex remained.

But I am revising my view… I don't see why the “Friend” component couldn't be in the “FWB” anytime a genuine friendship is established, from the time sexual intimacy begins or even after. Who's to say Fcuk Buddies couldn't become genuine friends?

But I notice in discussions about FWB (and there’ve been many), about 95% of the participants describe a relationship that doesn't include “Friendship” at all.

It seems that FWB is now a euphemism for Fcuk Buddy or Bootie Call or almost any casual sex, or even a convenient “come-on” for various predatory sexual practices.

So I think when FWB is being offered or discussed it’s wise to look past the label and consider the actual relationship under consideration.

In my view, for a FWB relationship to be genuine and successful, the people in it must be willing and able to be friends. They must want to be friends. They must be capable of being friends. And they must be able to conduct themselves responsibly in that friendship.

If those requirements were met, then 95% of the real problems would be addressed. And about 95% of the imaginary criticisms here would be dismissed.

They’re not about FWB or a friendly relationship. They’re about some other kind of sexual arrangement or exploitive agenda that's crept in under the umbrella.

Be wise. When considering arguments here, for or against, or when fielding offers from abroad – Look Past The Label!
 SC67
Joined: 6/21/2009
Msg: 208
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 7:57:41 AM
You are 100% correct, MutedEnthusiasm. Your observations & the comments by...I think it's m_church...are why many people have a negative view of FWB. It's why I can't let myself get into that situation. It's not because I am judging anyone & think it's morally wrong. It's because my past experiences have been so bad. I know myself. It is not for me.
 dudeinmt
Joined: 10/5/2010
Msg: 209
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 9:05:41 AM
lol fwb? that is for ppl that dont want relationships and usually in my experience the feelings are mutual, but let me say one thing... if u have ever had a 1 night stand with a friend, or a short 1 week relationship, and are still friends with that person, then u have a fwb. so all u ppl out there dissing on the fwb thing, take a hard look at the things u have done in your life and ill bet my left nut u have had them too, but u diss on them, why?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 210
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 10:26:22 AM

Your observations & the comments by...I think it's m_church...are why many people have a negative view of FWB. It's why I can't let myself get into that situation. It's not because I am judging anyone & think it's morally wrong. It's because my past experiences have been so bad. I know myself. It is not for me.

I respect this post. This is really what this thread comes down to. A combination of having a bad experience with FWB, or something someone told you was FWB, and knowing it's not your thing. Know yourself.

If it's not for you, it's perfectly healthy to be aware of it and choose not to participate. What's bad for you isn't bad for everyone. If others choose to - let them. It doesn't make them wrong, it just makes them capable of dealing with it. Don't worry about what others do. Live your own life.
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 211
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 10:42:04 AM

actually it is quite easy.......you can offer your opinion without the judgements or name calling.

I agree, but what I specifically meant, deciding something is either good or bad IS a judgement... What is Good or Bad is really not cut and dried. Even to something being Good to one person, while it may be Bad to another...
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 212
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 11:03:07 AM

In my view, for a FWB relationship to be genuine and successful, the people in it must be willing and able to be friends. They must want to be friends. They must be capable of being friends. And they must be able to conduct themselves responsibly in that friendship.

I think this is at the heart of the issue for it as well...

From the descriptions people post on here, I think MsMicki ( I hope she doesn't mind me singling her out) comes closest to having what I would call a true FWB. Long term real friendship that has evolved (and I say evolved as a compliment) into an 'intimate friendhsip' (for want of a better term)... It's probably why she finds a lot of the comments on here

It seems that FWB is now a euphemism for Fcuk Buddy or Bootie Call or almost any casual sex, or even a convenient “come-on” for various predatory sexual practices

All too often, FWB is seemingly more a case of "AWB" ("Acquaintance With Benefits")... Wherein the two parties are friends sure, but more casual friends or short term friends... Or the guys that date, break up and try to put the women into the role of a source for steady sex, while they move on looking for more...

I do know a lot of men who have FWB's and to be honest, they are all having multiple partners (as would I if I was in their shoes - If I had a so called friend that I valued so low that I would treat her that way. ) I'd bet none of the women these men are boinking regularly know about the others... Whether anyone agrees or disagrees with that is not important... The fact is, it does happen... and It's entirely possible that some of the women are screwing other men as well... Again, it does happen...

Which I don't, I value my real friendships too much to throw it away on sex. Let's face it, any fool can get sex. I don't think sex is worth the potential of throwing away a real friendship over... I'd be reluctant to even try a full relationship with a real friend...
And this is why I've said in the past, I don't do FWB's and that the only way I could do that, would be if I considered the 'friend' to be disposable... (as in acquaintance) As I've said before, I don't keep past lovers around to meet knew ones, and I don't want to meet my partner's Ex lovers either... Hence why I'd have to consider any "FWB/AWB" to be disposable... as the friendship would also have to end once the benefits did...


They’re about some other kind of sexual arrangement or exploitive agenda that's crept in under the umbrella.

I think that's what the bulk of the FWB's really are... The idea in itself is probably good, but there is a natural tendency of many people to exploit the other or to want more, that overshadows it....
 rottenbrat112
Joined: 5/23/2011
Msg: 213
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 2:33:01 PM
JCO

you are just a horn dog and yes I agree with the girl 100% that guys have no respect for women when they just jump into bed with them because if they jumo into bed with a guy they just meet the guy says to himself gee if its this easy to get this female in my bed how many other guys has she done this with and dont say thats not true casue u would be lying.. guys will tell a female anything to get a piece of booty... and you discust me ... your probably using this site as a FWB not for whats its really on here for.. your a DAWG!!! PERIOD !!!!
 Jypzee
Joined: 6/22/2011
Msg: 214
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 4:03:29 PM
it amazes me how some people can read other people's mind and say that any particular guy is going to lose respect for any particular woman that would jump in bed with him..there r guys out there who have begged a woman to have a relationship after she 'jumped' in bed with him...FWB doesnt mean u go jumping in bed with ur friend right off the bat, it is usually something that kind of builds up..i had one FWB and i was exclusive with him, and it turned out he was exclusive with me, i knew this cos i knew his business..it turned into a relationship that got complicated and i think we were better off as FWB..and if u think im a ho i dont care, i think different strokes for different folks..and i have agreed with jco and find him to be open-minded.
 whiteboyrick
Joined: 10/1/2006
Msg: 215
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 4:12:00 PM
I see nothing wrong with having a FWB. Sometimes some people just don't have time for a serious relationship, but still want the benefits. *Raises hand*
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 216
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 4:15:10 PM

Sometimes some people just don't have time for a serious relationship, but still want the benefits. *Raises hand*

Seems to me that anyone that doesn't have time for a serious relationship doesn't have time for a FWB either...
Like C'mon... I used to work 12 and 16 hour shifts, and still got out to meet and have serious relationships with women....
If you really want something, you'll make the effort...otherwise, I'm having a hard time believing it....
 whiteboyrick
Joined: 10/1/2006
Msg: 217
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 4:29:06 PM
You worked 16 hour shifts all week and still have time for a serious relationship?
 Jypzee
Joined: 6/22/2011
Msg: 218
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 4:45:40 PM
it amuses me how someone will say i dont think a fwb will work when other people r saying it worked for them..it is obvious people have varying opinions or definitions on what a fwb is.
 cgm745
Joined: 7/29/2011
Msg: 219
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 6:43:52 PM
I just had this conversation with a guy on here and told him fwb is an illusion - especially with online dating. If we have hang out a few times and have sex, are we friends yet? I don't think so. I think being fwb is an easy way to get sex without doing the work required in a relationship. I know we all have needs and when I was younger I bought into the fwb thing only to find out is like having fake beef when what you really what is big meaty ribeye steak. Its so unfulfilling.
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 220
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 7:06:41 PM

You worked 16 hour shifts all week and still have time for a serious relationship?

If it's important enough to you, you can make the time and find the energy for anything.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 221
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/1/2011 7:26:33 PM

you are just a horn dog

No need to call names and get personal... And You know this about me how? How many sexual partners have you had? Let's see...you've only been in a relationship for one year....so have you only been intimate with one person then? Hmmm? Or were you a horn dog yourself?


your probably using this site as a FWB not for whats its really on here for.. your a DAWG!!! PERIOD !!!!


Where is your proof of this?

What's this site REALLY here for? You know there IS an option for intimate encounters does that mean people who are here for that shouldn't be? Do they have no right to be here?

So you call me a dog because I will have mutually agreed on sex with someone with whom I don't want a relationship even though I've been straightforward with them?


Seems to me that anyone that doesn't have time for a serious relationship doesn't have time for a FWB either...


It seems to me you continually preach about something you yourself have admitted to have never had experience with. You also admit that you would have less than honorable intentions and would even use it to have multiple FWB's at the same time.
My last relationship expanded into a LTR from FWB's among other reasons for initially limiting the relationship to FWB's was because I was working three jobs and had little time for going out...she was going to school and didn't have much time either. We both wanted sex and someone to cuddle so, we would spend time together. After awhile we made a go of it...We should have kept it FWB's! Neither of us really had time to devote to a full LTR.

But then you wouldn't know about that would you?
Not with THIS attitude: (bold added)


I've never done the FWB but If I was going to it sure as hell wouldn't be a monogmaous thing...

I'd be looking at it as a way to get steady sex...[\b] And the steadier the better... I'd be wanting the sex a few times a week (... so either a FWB would be pretty steady sex (might as well be in a full on relationship with her) , or I'd need to be seeing several women as FWB at the same time AND I'd still be out looking for a person to have a relationship with on the weekends etc...
That's not even taking into account that I might want sex more than once in a day... at which point I could easily see having sex with two (or more - LOL) women in a day... See one FWB for part of the day then go see the other later on....

I can't imagine just having a single FWB working out unless you either have a low sex drive, or you're basically doing that person a few times a week...


Wow! You imagine yourself like this....I would never imagine that I could treat people this way....BTW is THIS why you're always going on about STD's?


If we have hang out a few times and have sex, are we friends yet?

No, then you're probably just FB's ....

I can call a Prius a sports car...that doesn't make it one!
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 222
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Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/2/2011 7:54:41 AM

Wow! You imagine yourself like this....I would never imagine that I could treat people this way...

Whatever 'way' do you mean?



.BTW is THIS why you're always going on about STD's?

No, at one time I didn't worry too much about STD's either... Since then however I've matured and gotten a little smarter. Over time my knowledge has increased. I've known a couple of people who have died from them. One from Aids, one from cervical cancer...I also know several others who have contracted other STDs...
Ignoring the risk or minimising it is the reason they get spread.
As for "going on about". You fail to realise that I am not always posting everything to you or to the regulars on here... Often I am posting to other people... so to them, it's not "going on about"....
 raiko23
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 223
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/2/2011 6:56:57 PM
Sometimes sex is just fun, and no amount of toys or porn will satisfy that urge. I had a benefits situation going with one of my best friends of almost 10 years a while back: we were both single and too busy with college to date, we trusted each other because we grew up together, neither of us were involved with anyone else, and there was no risk of emotional attachment on either end. And once he told me he was interested in one of his classmates, we ended it so he could pursue her honestly.

I think if it's a situation where no one's getting lied to or hurt and you feel comfortable and safe with the other person then go for it.
 canonshooter
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 224
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/3/2011 1:15:41 PM
I know alot of threads have been coasting down this track but i have yet to see a WHY thread. So my question is ... why friends with benefits?
---------------------------------
"alot" is not a word!
 justsaz
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 225
Friends with Benefits... WHY!?
Posted: 9/4/2011 1:12:37 AM
i dont like friends with benefits . it seems to hold you back from finding something real because even tho you think its an easy thing there is always emotions involved somehow ..
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